A day in the life of a Trans guy

I had a weird experience on Saturday, I took the train into the next seaside town with my dogs and we spent the afternoon there. I was really nice, beautiful blue skies, the sun was shining and the dogs had fun playing on the beach with the other dogs.

We had a walk through the town as I wanted to go into my favourite Fossil shop. But as I was standing outside just putting my mask on a girl came up to me and asked me if I had gone to Ashdown (my secondary school) to which I replied yes. I could tell she was nervous as she was talking to me, she didn’t say who she was. It caught me totally off guard and I didn’t recognise her at all, no idea who she was.

I find this type of situation difficult because its embarrassing, awkward and kind of makes me feel vulnerable because I hated school and I didn’t really have many friends and also back then I was presenting in my birth gender. Which isn’t me, its never been who I am and yeah it makes me feel like oh well if I’m still recognisable by someone who’s not seen my in nearly 20 years I must still look like a fucking girl!

It just makes my head spin and makes me feel all kinds of shit! Because I don’t want to be seen as female, I don’t want to be reminded that I’m biologically female, I don’t want to be remembered as female! Because I am not and never was that person I was perceived as.

It’s something that’s been bugging me all week, mainly because I have no idea who this girl was, she wasn’t in my year, she was the year below me. But I don’t remember a lot from school, I don’t really remember people’s names, faces etc because it was such a shit time for me.

Most of the time now I’m stealth, I’ll still get called miss on the phone sometimes and very rarely when I’m out. I am a guy, always have been, so I’m happy I can be out in the world as male. But yeah situations like this don’t make me feel great about myself.

I mean I will never deny my past and my transition etc because its apart of my journey but I don’t want it to be my whole identity. I want to be seen as me, not just for the fact I happen to be trans.

Who I was back then wasn’t really me, I was trying to fit into a world that I just didn’t fit into and I didn’t understand why. I was trying to be someone I wasn’t, I was just trying to do what everyone else was doing. But that wasn’t a true reflection of who I was.

I am more me now then I’ve ever been before, because I am more comfortable in my skin, I’m far more confident then I ever was. I mean yeah I am still on my journey of healing past trauma’s but I know who I am now, I used to feel lost like within myself if that makes sense, but I don’t feel like that anymore.

I know its inevitable I will come across situations like this but its something I hate dealing with, hopefully as time goes by it will stop happening and I can just pass as me and not as who I was before.

Peace out

Zak

LIFE IN LOCKDOWN..CONT

This feels like a never ending saga… Although things are starting to slowly get back to normal-ish. More places are starting to open and you’re allowed to travel a bit more and the level has been lowered to 3.. which I’m unsure of the exact do’s and don’ts but for me I am meant to be isolating now till the end of this month, although that could change. It’s just a case of waiting to see what happens next, I do think a second wave is inevitable as that’s just how a virus works.

For me I don’t feel quite comfortable going to any shops in town just yet, although I will have to go to primark at some point at I have one pair of shorts and the ones I’ve seen in Asda either don’t feel right or just aren’t my style. I’m also feeling quite anxious about using public transport, luckily at the moment I don’t have to go anywhere, despite bursting to take the dogs out for the day somewhere, I think for me right now the risks still outweighs the wants. Plus I need a mask which I don’t have and don’t feel comfortable wearing due to not being able to breathe properly. I think I’d feel to claustrophobic wearing a mask, especially on the bus. So for now, I’m staying local..which is boring AF but I got to keep safe.

I wish I could say I was coping better with this lockdown life, but sadly I can’t. I’m still really struggling, my depression is pretty bad, anxiety is bad and the disassociation is really crippling.

I decided that today I was going to try my best to actually participate and engage in life, rather then the disassociation take over and its been extremely exhausting trying to stay present and in the moment. But I’ve been able to get things done that have just been impossible to do in the last few weeks.

Most days I am so disconnected, disassociated and switched off that all I can do is sleep, eat snacks as cooking has just been too difficult and walk the dogs. I haven’t even been able to really watch anything either, I’ve just been watching things I don’t have to concentrate on, things I’ve seen a million times as its kind of comforting and eases my anxiety. There’s a few new seasons of shows I love on netflix that I’m bursting to watch, but for some reason I can’t start them. I feel too anxious, I know it makes no sense. I’m not really enjoying doing anything either, I just feel so numb, I can’t remember the last time I actually felt something other then feeling so numb and just nothing. I feel like most days I’m just going through the motions, just to get through another day of monotony.

I struggle to even start a task, it takes forever to do the basics, as I’m so trapped my anxiety and fighting to stay in the moment that I spend a lot of time sitting down trying to motivate myself enough to unfreeze and move. Its such a battle every day just to do the simplest of things and its so exhausting. I’m meant to be taking my blood pressure every day, but I’ve been unable to do that, as I just don’t remember and for some reason it feels like an overwhelming task, even though its so simple.

I’m just trapped inside my head all by myself all the time and my head is such a dark place to be but I’m stuck there. I need outside stimulation and interaction, I need outside help. But it’s just not there right now.

I’m so withdrawn from life, that I just don’t reach out anymore, I just can’t bring myself to it. I’ve kinda resided to the fact that this is life now, just on my own, loneliness forever. I’m not ok with that but I’m too tired to keep trying to insert myself into people’s lives.

Even when I’m out with the dogs and people talk to me, I keep stumbling over my words, I feel super awkward and incredibly anxious. I love being out with the dogs but I hate being seen, I just want to walk and chill on my own, which just isn’t me at all. I usually love talking to random strangers but now it just makes me feel so vulnerable and awkward I really don’t enjoy it and I wish I didn’t feel this way as I am quite a social person usually. But my anxiety is so strong and the constant negative thoughts is making everything impossible.

I’m kind of dreading everything getting back to normal, I can see myself keeping myself very withdrawn and isolated, it feels a bit scary getting back to normal. I don’t know how I’m going to get myself back out there into society, just thinking about it freaks me out. I’m not agoraphobic but the thought have having to go a bit further a field, like say to a hospital app is terrifying. Not just getting public transport but also interacting with others and also being able to organise myself enough to get myself somewhere on time. This lockdown has had a huge negative impact on my mental health and its not something that I’ll be able to easily fix.

I’ve had very little sleep today, under 4 hours I think. I got up early and did the house work and made some breakfast and I was out just before 10 am, I took the dogs for a walk and sat down where we scattered dad’s ashes which was nice and peaceful. Spoke to him and wished him a Happy Fathers Day, something I do every year. After our walk I had some lunch and watched and film, then jumped onto the laptop while my brain was still engaged in real life and I’ve been sat here for about 4 hours now. I feel a bit better for blogging and getting stuff out, I’m bloody exhausted now. I’m going to try and get an earlier night.

A couple of weeks ago I decided for my own mental health and sanity to cut ties with my ex completely, which meant deleting messages, blocking on FB and burning the break up letter they gave, which wasn’t as satisfying as I thought it would be. I couldn’t keep tormenting myself and I felt like I was still holding on, waiting, hoping that maybe I’d be wanted again. I didn’t really want to remain friends in the first place, it’s what they wanted and rather then be strong and stand up for myself I just went along with it. But I can’t heal from the situation whilst stuck in it and still wishing and hoping we’d get back together. I kept thinking I was over it but its still just as painful as when we broke up. I hate feeling so deeply, cuz sure as hell they don’t miss me or were even hurt by the break up, even if they did they didn’t show it. But why would they be hurt, I mean its only me right. Not speaking to them is so painful but being friends was painful, I can’t win.

Man, writing all this shit out makes me feel so broken.. no wonder I’m alone! lol who the fuck wants to take me and all my baggage on?! I don’t even want me.. Maybe this will always be the way, maybe one day I’ll find the light in all this darkness.

Peace out

Zak

Mobile phones have killed the conversation

Am I the only one who when I am with people will put my phone in my pocket and leave it there, checking it very occasionally.

I had two friends down to stay with me and I felt so fucking awkward, lonely and left out.

They both spent 99% of the time on their phones, they were chatting with other people, playing stupid fucking games and just sitting there in silence… like wtf?! One of my friends even sent me a couple of stupid memes… like wtf I’m in the same fucking room as me! Show me! Don’t fucking text it!

I felt so fucking awkward, I’m not feeling my best as it is and I just didn’t have the energy to keep starting conversations… cuz they just died off anyway, I felt like I was interrupting and I was just in the way in my own fucking house!

We went out yesterday and on the way back not one of them said a word to me! They were just sat there on their phones talking to each other!

So today I didn’t even try, I just wanted them to go, I was so fucking done!

Yes they had bought me dinner but I don’t want or need things bought for me, I got my own fucking money. All I wanted was some quality time with friends… not too much to ask for? Right? But clearly it was.

I’m so fucking angry and upset! I deleted every single person off my FB! I’m fucking done with people! They wanna be friends fucking prove it!

I’m sick to death of trying to keep friendships going, I’m done! I don’t fucking care anymore! People are so selfish and self involved.

Yes we all got issues but fuck! Sitting on your phone whilst in the company of others is so fucking rude!

I’m so lonely, but I’d rather be on my own then be with people who make me feel alone.

One of them clearly didn’t like what I had to say about how they made me feel so I got blocked on social media’s! Fucking pathetic! Truth hurts!

I’m so tired of crying all the time, I’m just tired… I’m trying so hard to keep going and keeping my shit together but it’s exhausting. I’m tired of pretending to be ok, I have to be ok… no one else is here to help.

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 45 on T

Its been a funny old week this week, I’ve mainly been feeling really overwhelmed with different emotions and I’ve started to unpick them and try and make sense of it all, in order to hopefully ease how I feel.

I’ve mainly been feeling super anxious, awkward, uncomfortable and generally out of place. I think part of that is the dysphoria but some of it isn’t.

Things are going well and its uncomfortable so a part of me wants to hit self destruct and fuck it all up because its easier but the other part of me wants so much to push through these uneasy feelings and get past all the negative patterns. Self destruction would be the easiest option but I will never move forward if I do… so I’m gonna work hard to push through this uncomfortable stage because I do deserve to be happy (even if I don’t always believe it)

I’ll get through I always do, I just gotta keep working on myself to move forward.

It’s hard to know what’s the gender dysphoria and what’s not as it’s all a bit jumbled up but I’m working on slowly unpicking things and mainly trying to name my emotions so I can see what’s what.

I have my first consultation for top surgery in 3 weeks which I’m super excited for! I literally can’t wait!

Week 45 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

That’s all for now,

Peace out

Zak

Yeah whatever right now…I am done.

OMG I just don’t even know what to say.

I don’t know what time I got to bed last night, but it was late

Slept ok, I only woke up because I got hot, so that was annoying because it was early.

Usual sat on the sofa, watched tv, ate and fell asleep till 10:30 am. I still felt utterly exhausted! and could have done with staying home and just sleeping. But I got myself showered and whatever and got ready for group. Put gammon in coke in the slow cooker before I left. Took dogs out and that. Urgh fucking raining! Looks miserable, like how I feel.

Group was good, although I wasn’t feeling it that much. Just felt depressed. After the check in we did a bit on PTSD…which when you are depressed was pretty heavy going..but it was ok and I like the fact we are actually doing some work or whatever. Had a chat with M after, helped a little…. Next week is a social at flirt cafe, so I’m taking the pups with me 🙂 so everyone gets to meet them and I don’t have to leave them for the afternoon.

Went to the hospital to see my step dad, he’s been moved onto a proper ward now and he’s still on oxygen. He’s got an infection in his lungs, so they got to clear that up before they can treat the fibrosis. He has to have a biopsy too on his lungs, but not until the lung infection has gone. Mothership turned up…that was a bit awkward, we haven’t spoken since my email. She didn’t say anything at all about it…but it’s still early days and not the time or place really. Plus she’s got a lot going on with work, my step dad, finding a new place with her new bf and whatever else so yeah. Lent my step dad my tablet so he can watch netflix and stuff, so he’s not bored. He was pleased with that 🙂

Got home and scrappy had eaten the ADSL cable, so I have NO broadband so yeah freaked out and utterly furious. So atm only on the laptop because I am tethering from my phone or whatever that is. But its working. So tomorrow I gotta go get a new cable. He’s not come near me since because I shouted at him. He knows I’m pissed off.

Plan for tomorrow is to go get my bloods done in the afternoon and visit my step dad and get a new cable and that’s it.

I don’t even know how I am feeling right now, angry, tired, happy, sad. This last month has been fucking crazy! I’ve been physically really ill, I’ve been more certain of my gender, I’ve come out, I’ve had a friend die, Step dad is really sick…I’ve been really isolated.. Things have just been all over the fucking place. This should be a happy time shouldn’t it….Struggling to fucking keep pressing forward. So much to carry on all by myself as well.

Put on FB earlier for my friends to surprise me on my bday. Its on a Mon…so I’ve organised to see my family the day before and I’m having friends over on the Fri…but for my actual bday I am doing nothing..and tbh I organise everything else in my life, would be nice if someone did something, but if not whatever. I don’t even fucking care right now.

Meh

Peace out

Batman