Transition update – Week 38 on T

I don’t really have much to write today… I don’t really know what to write or even say.

Not feeling great today, am so stressed out with my whole benefits saga.. I hate having no money, I’m having to sell stuff just to get by and this week is no different.

This is all impacting on everything else, I’ve put on a stone in weight which makes me feel like shit! Which in turn is making the dysphoria worse because all the weights gone to my stomach and chest. I feel so fed up…. I have to keep pushing through but I’m so tired of forcing myself to get up every day and just fake it, its exhausting.

I’m over this is all… hopefully the money thing will be sorted soon-ish… but its not soon enough.

Oh I get my next testosterone shot tomorrow so that’s one thing to look forward too..

Week 38 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 35 on T

This week has been full of ups and downs but I’ve made some huge steps forward, which feels so awesome! I’m so proud of myself.

I’ll get the non transition stuff out of the way first. Its been a pretty hard week, I’ve had so much stuff to sort out and its been really difficult and overwhelming. Yesterday I wrote out a list of everything I needed to do and just went through it bit by bit sorting through everything. I felt so much better for it, I’ve still got a few things to do but I’ve made a good start. Things are slowly coming together, I’m still in the middle of sorting out my benefits and money is still really tight but hey I’m still here, still fighting.

Transition stuff has been pretty exciting this week and I’m really proud of myself. Last week it was quite hot for a couple of days, usually it makes me really anxious and makes me gender dysphoria really bad. But on this particular day I was feeling pretty good and confident so I wore my shorts out, which is the first time since starting testosterone. I had my hairy legs on show and I did feel a bit anxious while I was out but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. The next day I went out for the day with friends and we went to the beach, again I wore my shorts but I was feeling a bit self conscious about my chest so I decided to try on my chest binder I bought a year or so ago. Its a high impact sports bra, but since I bought it I’ve lost weight, so it fits much better. After yesterday I was feeling really good and I decided to go out and wear my binder all day. It felt really comfortable and I felt less self conscious. I just felt good, I felt more like myself. I felt really confident, which is really weird for me. So yes big steps and I’m so proud of myself. Pics below are of my hairy legs in shorts and me in my binder.

I got my T shot tomorrow, I’m looking forward to that. Over all just feeling good, despite all the stuff I’ve got going on.

Week 35 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

That’s all for this week!

Peace out

Zak

This f*cking suck!

I don’t even know where to start right now, once again my heads in a fucking spin! I feel so full of anger and frustration. I really fucking hate my life! Now I’m not one to say that very often, I try and feel grateful for my life. But some days its just fucking impossible to remain hopeful and grateful when there’s fuck all the be grateful for.

The catalyst to all this anger is Personal Independence Payment (Disability Benefits) They gave me 4 points in each component which isn’t enough to qualify for it. You have to get a minimum of 8 points.

I’m sick to death of being ill and I’m sick to fucking death of having to prove it to the cunts that just don’t give a fuck about anyone’s life! Its so fucking soul destroying and it points out every single failing of my life, which is every fucking aspect of it.

I left school with a few GCSE grades, non of them really mean anything now anyway. My highest grade was English…I can’t get anywhere without maths. I have no qualifications in anything, I have no skills, nothing. I feel like such a fucking failure. I have nothing to be proud of other then I’m still fucking alive! Which how I don’t fucking know cuz right now I’m struggling to see the fucking point at all. I’ve done nothing! and no employer is going to employ someone who’s been on the sick as long as I have and no one will want someone who they can’t rely on 100%. I can’t even fucking drive..

I feel like I have no fucking future, no life nothing. Nothing is moving forward, everything is standing still, life is just moving around me. Everyone else is moving forward, I’m still stuck in the same fucking place, all by myself.

Just the same old little fucking loser kid that I always fucking was. Absolutely pointless waste of fucking space.

I can’t keep doing this bullshit over and over. I’m so exhausted, my heart hurts so much. I’m just wading through mud, not moving forward, just sinking further in.

Its not just job wise, I’ve literally done nothing, been no where. Just been here, doing nothing, just barely existing.

I just want to disappear and stop existing so the pain would just stop.

Just a waste of space..

Peace

Zak

Transition update – Week 23 on T

Woohoo! Today was injection day, that always makes me feel really good. Not that I wasn’t feeling good before but its just something I always really look forward too.

I update twice last week as my GP rang to say my T levels were low and I could inject every 3 weeks, rather then every 4 weeks.

He also wants me to get my injections done at the doctors surgery rather then me doing it and to be honest I’m happy with that. My surgery is literally across the road so its not far to get too and I’ve been struggling to open the testosterone bottles because I have hyper mobility, I just don’t have the power in my hands to crack them open safely. So I don’t mind someone else jabbing my in the butt.

Hopefully now I will see some significant changes, as its all been super slow and very minimal. Although some of my friends don’t agree with that, I don’t see the changes they do and I don’t feel it either. So I’ve been feeling really frustrated with the whole thing, hopefully this will sort it out but I’m still sceptical that its still going to be too low.

I’ve gotta have some more bloods in 9 weeks before my 3rd injection and then another blood test 7 days later. Then we’ll be able to see if my testosterone levels have improved or not.

Other then feeling frustrated with low T levels, everything else have been going alright. My PIP forms are currently being assessed, I so hope I don’t need to go for a face to face assessment, they’re so horrible and so degrading.

My mood has been a lot better then it was in December, I feel much calmer and more settled. Anxiety is still an issue but its not as intense as it was, its far more manageable now.

Week 23 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Well that’s it for now

Peace out

Dyllan

Quick catch up – Big News

I haven’t posted for a while as my head hasn’t been in the best place for the last few months or so because I’ve been dealing with so much bullshit. But a few things have changed since the last time I posted, so things are moving forward slowly.

My biggest piece of news is that I finally won my PIP case and its all sorted, which is a massive relief. On the flipside of that I have to reapply for ESA next April/May and my PIP in September. I’m trying not to worry about it too much but its hard not to as I’ve been through 14 months of hell with PIP. I am just trying to concentrate on the now and getting through this coming “Joyful” season.

So that’s my main news, its a bit bittersweet but hey such is life. My other good news is that I finally have an appointment at Southampton General Hospital to see a Vasculitis specialist in January and it couldn’t come sooner, I’ve been waiting for a long long time for this to be sorted out. I know exactly what I want and need out of this appointment, so I am almost bursting to get there and start getting the ball rolling.

I’ve also had an appointment through for the endocrinologist and that’s in March. They’ve already started me on Vitamin D tablets as my levels are really low and they need them to be at a certain level before I can start hormones. So super excited for this appointment but I know that until I come off my steroids I cannot start hormones, which is why the Southampton appointment is so important.

I think that’s all the big stuff that’s been going on over the last few months. My head has been all over the place recently, so its hard to remember things. My mood has been up and down as well but I am starting to feel a bit more settled now.

This is just the tip of the iceberg really, there’s tons of other stuff that I haven’t even mentioned but I will try and post again soon.

Peace out

Batman

Benefits saga – Continues

I’ve decided to split up my posts about my life into sections, so my posts are shorter and a bit easier to read and digest.

So as the title states this one is about PIP and ESA…Oh the joys!

Well after having to go to a tribunal, the DWP decided they might appeal the court’s decision. I am currently still waiting to hear from them.

I did get the statement that the tribunal sent to DWP but that’s all. I am really hoping I hear this week, as the wait is killing me! I just want it over with and I just want it sorted. It physically hurts, the wait is just agonising and just unreal.

The sad thing is I know I’m not the only one going through this and its heart breaking to think about all the pain and suffering that has been caused by this benefit change-up.

I feel like as a person with disabilities, I am being picked on and treated like a criminal. Even though my issues are legitimate and real, whether you can see them or not. My disabilities are there and they affect me every day.

The system certainly doesn’t cater for people with physical and mental health issues. For example, I would love to be able to work on the days I felt well enough and then on the days I need to rest then I could take off. But I just doesn’t work like that, jobs aren’t that flexible. Most jobs these days are zero contract hours, so I wouldn’t be entitled to statutory sick pay and benefits takes months or in my case over a year to sort out. Or similarly people with mental health issues, could be well for say 3 months at a time. So they could work that 3 months and then take time off to rest or if they become unwell then to get better again. But as I said it just doesn’t work like that and to me it doesn’t make much sense and I feel that it should be working this way, so then at least people who are unable to work all the time are at least paying taxes, even if it’s for a short while, not to mention the fact that it will give people with long-term health issues purpose, self-esteem and pride in themselves. I despise not being a productive member of society but we have a system in place that’s all or nothing. You are either able to work or you’re not, which is silly to me.

Well that’s my personal opinion and views on where the system is going wrong.

I am also still without my bus pass, which is making me feel trapped because I’m unable to pay for the bus with the little money I do get. I’ve emailed my OT again to get her to chase it up, as it was meant to have been processed last Monday and I should have got it last week, so I don’t know what’s going on with that. It’s so frustrating having to always chase things up. I just wish things would start running a bit more smoothly so it’s not so bloody stressful.

Anyway that’s all for now, I will post more when I know more.

Peace out

Batman

Catching up again – Staying afloat

Once again its been about a month since I’ve written anything, it feels much longer though. I am going to try and write more regularly this month and hopefully I’ll get back into the swing of it again. I really enjoy writing and I’ve missed it but I haven’t had much to blog about really as nothing much has changed, I’m kinda just stuck right now, nothing has really changed, nothing has moved forward, I’m just still waiting and its all out of my hands, there’s nothing I can do. Its frustrating but it is what it is I suppose.

I’ll get the B word out of the way… Benefits, PIP. I am still waiting for a court date and it should be around September when I get an appointment through. So that’s that… this has been going on since, September 2015! I am absolutely disgusted by this entire process and to know I am not the only one going through this makes it worse, because I know I am strong enough to deal with whatever life throws at me, but there are those that aren’t as strong and have killed themselves as a result of being deemed fit to work. My heart hurts for those people… I’ll end it there or I will just keep writing.

So gender clinic and gender stuff – I wrote Charing Cross a letter with my new NHS number and I asked if I was going to be seen soon. I’ve not heard anything back yet..that doesn’t overly surprise me. My referral was done last July and the then waiting list was 13months so I will hopefully get an appointment next month! Fingers, toes and tits crossed everyone!

I have totally given up on binding, I simply can’t do it. I’ve tried 2 different brands of binders and a high intensity sports bra, they all worked great but I can’t deal with how they feel, the tightness, the material, the fact they make me hot and they hurt. It’s all just too much and I can’t deal with it, it makes me feel weird just writing about it. It fucking sucks! It makes me feel like shit, just a daily reminder that I’m not even close to being who I feel on the inside. While I am out and on the phone, I get misgendered and it feels like being stabbed in the heart, it makes me not want to go out and do things, it makes so fucking self conscious. I already have anxiety about talking on the phone but this makes it even fucking worse. I feel safe at home and I’ve noticed this year I haven’t done half of the things I did by this time last year. Most of this is down to my physical health being awful but even on the days I feel well, I just don’t want to go out and face the world because the world doesn’t see me the way I feel inside and its hard. So I have been hiding away more then I usually do and if I do go out, its with people I feel safe with and to places I feel safe to go. I get more excited at the prospect of staying in and doing my own thing then going out and doing stuff… But it is a fine balance of staying at home feeling safe and completely isolating myself, which is difficult. I think staying in and feeling safe is the most important thing for my mental health at the moment, I need to keep myself safe.

Physical health stuff – I saw my Thoracic medicine doc last month and he’s happy with my breathing test results, as they have remained unchanged for a long time, so he’s discharged me. But I can be referred back if I need to be. I am happy with this, its one less appointment to go too. He looked at my CT scan of my sinuses and my left side is so inflamed and the inflammation is just less then a inch from behind my eye, which explains why I get a lot of headaches and why that side of my head always hurts so much. I see my ENT doc this month, so I will be able to discuss more with him about my awful sinus pain etc and hopefully we’ll be able to come up with something that will be able to help it. I don’t even know what the options would be to make this better, right now I’d say yes to whatever he suggests.

The Gabapentin is going well, I have put on 10lbs which really bothered me at first but I don’t care anymore. I have gone past the stage of feeling the need to eat all the time, so my appetite has returned to being somewhat normal again. I am sure the weight will fall back off again. Coming off the Tramadol is going well, I am now down to 5 tablets a day down from 8 a day. It’s been really hard, as it caused insomnia the start with and it made me clench my jaw so hard it gave me migraines. That’s all starting to get better now, the insomnia is a lot better. I’m not waking up several times a night and I am actually sleeping right through, I am loving being able to sleep all night again. The jaw thing is ok now most days but if I don’t take my Tramadol right on time, then I really start clenching my jaw and it hurts so bad but its out of my control, I try and stop doing it when I notice it happening but it doesn’t work. Overall I am pretty happy with how this med change has gone so far and I am hoping that the Gabapentin continues to work well on its own.

The practice manager at my doctors surgery is still on the case to get hold of my notes, from the mythical place they go to when you change your gender lol. I hope this is sorted soon.

My knee has been alright since the steroid injection and I think the Gabapentin has helped as well. My over all pain levels have been far more manageable on the Gabapentin, well as long as I’m not doing a lot.. As soon as I do “normal” daily life stuff and social stuff, I ache a lot and the fatigue kicks in.

So that’s me really, still feel like an anxious, emotional wreck. I don’t know how I keep going but I do, somehow. I just keep trying to find the little bits of positivity in every day and every situation I come across.

I’ll wrap this up now,

I’ll try post again soon.

Peace out

Batman

Forever waiting – Massive catch up

Again it’s been just over a month since I last wrote anything about my exciting life lol, I’ve been struggling to write at the moment because my life is in a bit of a limbo and the benefits saga seems to be over shadowing everything else and the other stuff seems to be a lot of inconvenient bullshit, that occurs on a regular basis it seems at the moment. But like I said the benefits saga is the main concern and looks like it will be that way for another 3 months.

Whilst I am on the subject of benefits I may as well do a proper update of this ridiculous situation. So in my last post I said that the courts had gotten the appeal with all the information I sent and they were waiting to hear from the Department of Work and Pensions. It’s now 5 weeks later and I rang the courts up last week to see what was going on and they said it can take up to 12-17 weeks for a court date and I am on week 5, so I’ve possibly got to wait another 12 weeks or 3 months which makes it sound longer, just for a court date. September should be when I get a date but fuck knows when the date will be for, probably for 3 months after that, by September it will be 7 months since my money stopped but it all started back last September, when I got the form to fill out, December I had my face to face assessment, January they said no, February I did the mandatory reconsideration, last month I appealed that… and here I am yet again waiting. If I get a court date by September then it will be a year since this whole thing started and to be honest I’m surprised I’ve got through without self harming because it has been incredibly stressful, soul destroying and just utterly horrific. Having to do the appeals and write down all the things I cannot do or that I struggle to do, it has totally destroyed any confidence or self esteem I had about myself and has knocked me to the floor and I’ve been struggling to pick myself back up again. When I read the statistics about the people who have killed themselves because they’ve been deemed fit to work and are no longer entitled to disability benefits, I totally fucking understand why! I totally get it! I have felt so close to the edge and I’ve wanted to end it all several fucking times because I felt like I could just not do this any more. It does make you question the fact of well am I fit to work? Am I really this ill? Is it all just in my head? Even though the rational part of you knows you are ill and you are entitled to the benefits. It’s horrible questioning you’re entire life, whilst having to prove it to others who simply have no fucking clue. Right now this isn’t living it’s existing and everyone is entitled to a decent quality of life. I’m lucky that I have a few good friends who’ve helped me out with money, emotional support, love and just everything a great friendship is made of and I’m lucky to live in such a beautiful place, where I can sit by the water with my dogs just a stones throw from my house.

That nicely brings me onto the rest of my life and what I’ve been up too. I don’t feel like I’ve done a lot really and that’s mainly because everything I do something I have to then spend time recovering from it, which is frustrating to say the least because someone of my age shouldn’t have to rest and recover from activities that most people do without thinking. I’ve spent a lot of time with L and the boys either being here at mine or being at their place and as always its a good laugh but so exhausting, I honestly don’t know how she does it with all her problems too, big respect to her. L dyed my Mohawk blue 😀 and yeah it looks so awesome! I’ve also been regularly going to my groups and counselling, which at times has been hard because I have been so unmotivated and just so low but I’ve pushed myself through it all. Like I previously said I live a stones throw away from the sea and its such a beautiful place, when the weather is nice I could just stay out there forever. I’ve just been trying to maintain some sort of normality, which includes the odd treat for myself and the animals, its been the very rare occasion but I think we all to often forget the power of treating/pampering yourself has, whether it be ice cream, a facial, a holiday or a Lego set. Treating yourself isn’t something you should be ashamed of or guilty about, because lets face it no matter what walk of life you are from, life gets fucking hard and whoever you are, you should have enough self respect to say YES I deserve this. Yes I am on benefits but does it mean I am less worthy to treat myself then someone who works hard for their money? No! that’s what the media wants you to think with all there shit fucking shows about a small minority of people on benefits and they do not at all represent people like me, who have a well documented and real health condition that effects my daily life because they don’t want you to know about genuine people like myself, they have their own agenda and they just demonise everyone on benefits, which if you haven’t already guessed really grinds my fucking gears. Anyway that was off on a bit of a rant lol so back to what I was talking about, so yes I have continued to treat myself, obviously not as much as I did before as I’ve just not had the money but it has been an important part of keeping me going and keeping me sane. I’ve also taken a lot of time over the past month to just be by myself and not talking to anyone and that’s also been a vital part of getting through all this. Overall the last month has been good but the really low darkness is always there in the background, I’m just working really hard not to let it overpower me on a daily basis and I don’t think people appreciate just how hard it is, to battle with your own mind every second of every day, its exhausting. I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve been really low and struggling and I still feel low and I am still struggling and in all honestly without my lovely friends, my groups and counselling I probably wouldn’t be here right now. Besides I do not want to die as the person that isn’t my true self, I need to go through my journey to be the real me.

Moving on to my physical health, which as usual has been a bundle of fun…NOT! Where to start… I suppose I’ll start with my transition stuff as that is fairly straight forward because I am still waiting for my first appointment. But I am going to send them a letter with my new NHS number and ask if they know roughly when I should be hearing about my first appointment. To be honest right now I’m happy to be waiting for this for a few reasons, even though I’m desperate to get on my journey, I have other things in my life that need to be sorted before hand, ie money and meds, so its not really high on my list even though I want it so bad. Sometimes wants and needs differ and needs are more important. Last time I wrote about my knee and trying anti-inflammatory’s, I tried two and neither helped so two weeks ago today I had a steroid injection right into the joint and it has helped to a degree but it still keeps swelling up and hurting, it’s not as bad but still its not great. Also two weeks ago I started Gabapentin which is a anti-epileptic which is also used as pain relief. It seems to be working well along side my Tramadol but I am slowly lowering the Tramadol as my body is addicted to it and I want to see how well the Gabapentin works by itself. The other reason I want to come off the Tramadol is because I will need strong opiate based drugs after the surgeries I have throughout my transition. So I need to detox off it and hopefully when I need it in the future it will be more effective then it is right now. Oh my appetite is great since starting the Gabapentin, it has the same weight gaining effect as Quetiapine and I’ve put on 5lbs in two weeks. It does seem to be slowing down now and I’m not nearly as hungry as last week, I just couldn’t stop eating lol! I am being mindful of what and how much I am eating but it is hard. But to be honest I’m just glad I’m eating and its not a stressful thing. I’ve spoken to my GP about what’s happening with my referral to Southampton hospital and it’s basically down to my gender change…DO’H! So because I’ve changed my gender and title I effectively have become a whole new person, which is true but what happens is that all your medical history is deleted from the doctors system and your are put back on as a new patient, so what they are currently trying to do is get hold of the hard copy of my medical records in order to send to Southampton as they need to know everything before they see me. I certainly don’t remember everything that’s happened to me medically in the last 31 years because well its been loads lol. But yeah I’ve been assured that the practice manager is on it, I feel better now I know what’s happening but it is another thing that I am in limbo with. I swear I spend most of my time waiting for shit to get sorted out lol! Other then that not much has changed, still struggling with fatigue and not sleeping well but it is what it is, I wake up a few times a night sometimes and I just get up have a drink or a wee and sometimes I go straight back to sleep but sometimes I have to get up for a hour or so. I’m not stressing about this because my insomnia or painsomnia issues have been going on for so long now and I’ve tried everything to help me sleep through the night but its clearly not meant to be. I’m on long term Doxycycline at the moment so I’ve not caught any colds, although I have a bit of a chesty cough at the moment but that’s probably down to my sinus gunk dripping down to my chest, which ironically the Doxycycline is meant to help with…I feel its not working lol, my ENT app isn’t until next month so not much I can do or my GP can do right now.

Wow that’s a lot of stuff about me aha! I shall end on a update of my 4 four babies, who are all just in perfect health and are all amazing and are all helping me get through the darkest times and I am totally in love with them ❤

Ooh also here’s a few pics of us all

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^^ yeah boi I am 😀 haha

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^^ Me and Harvey on his 9th Birthday last week ❤

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^^ Me and my boo boo ❤

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^^ Harley doing a bit of yoga lol

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^^Marley moo

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^^ Mr Scrappy doodle

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^^ My beautiful Foxy girl

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^^ I love this place

Right that’s all from this boi, its taken me hours to write this, its very therapeutic though and I do feel calm and grounded.

Peace out Batman

 

 

I AM DONE!

I’m tired and stressed, tired and stressed…oh wait I’m tired and stressed 😥

I’m just struggling with everything, struggling with money, struggling to manage myself and my emotions, struggling with everything.

I am stressed out to the eye balls with everything that my stomach isn’t taking it well.. I feel sick all the time, its so hard to eat anything because I just don’t feel like it because I am too stressed to eat. But if I don’t eat much I feel sick and ill..its a catch 22 situation once again!

So sick of fucking dealing with the same fucking situation around food and eating! No no scrap that I am sick of my fucking life as it stand right now. I fucking hate it! I hate myself, I hate my fucking life, I fucking HATE being ill. I just hate everything! I am sick of this bullshit. Just done!

DONE

What a week and it’s only Wednesday!

Its only Wednesday and it has already been one hell of a week! I’m absolutely exhausted, in so much pain and so stressed out, literally don’t know how I am continuing to move forward and deal with all of this shit.

So Monday Scrappy went down hill, he was still being sick and he started pooping blood, he then went very lethargic. So I had to scramble around and got two of my friends to help me out but we managed to get him to the vets in the end. I was thinking the worse, as I’ve never seen him so poorly before. But the vet said he’s probably eaten something he shouldn’t have…which knowing scrappy is probably what happened lol. The vet gave him 3 injections, antibiotics, anti-sickness and anti-diarrhea and then some anti-diarrhea paste to give him for the next few days.

Yesterday Scrappy was still really subdue and not eating but today he’s really perked up. He’s eaten and played fetch, he’s still not 100% himself but he didn’t eat for 48 hours and didn’t sleep well for 48 hours so he’s probably exhausted and feeling really weak. I’m sure he’ll be back to his usual old self in a few more days. I’m just glad my baby boy is on the mend, I wouldn’t know what I would do without him or any of my babies.

Monday morning I spent ringing around my doctors and diverse abilities to sort out getting my case together for this tribunal for the disability benefits. I need to chase up one doc to see what’s going on, as I said I am at that hospital next week and can pick it all up.

My psych has been great, I saw him today to catch him up to speed with everything going on, so he’s going to write me an up to date letter for me to use at the tribunal, I just need to show him what I will be writing to them. So I am going to get diverse abilities to send me a copy of the appeal, so I can send to him because my case for the tribunal will still be along the same lines.

This fortnight after I pay out for everything I have £38… Yes I did treat myself to a £6 top and a haircut that cost £9 but I think I deserve a small treat after everything I’ve been through. But I can’t afford to get a taxi to my hospital app next week, so I’ve asked my brother to take me but I can’t afford to pay car parking because its expensive and I can’t expect my brother to either, so he’s just dropping me off. I have no money to socialise, which I know its not what it is for BUT because of my illnesses I get isolated very easily, so with no money to do anything, I will become isolated, bored and depressed.. This is no life at all, its just not fair! I just hate this so much, having to prove over and over that I am sick and “worthy” to be “awarded” these benefits. Its soul destroying to go over all my limitations and all the things that I struggle with or can’t do. I cannot WAIT for it all to be over, I will fight until I get my money, I need this money to live instead of just about surviving like I am right now.

Over the last few years I’ve watched helplessly as my health has gone down hill and I’ve not been able to do a thing about it. At the moment I am still having issues with my re-occurring sinus infections but next Fri I meet my new ENT doc. I am anxious about it but at the same time I can’t wait because it does need to be sorted out. Also this last week or so my right knee has been swollen after well doing anything and its has been really painful…But I can’t see my GP until next week. I had a letter to say he wants to see me, but the receptionists can’t possibly tell me why and they still cannot see me until Tues.. lol. I am over dealing with the gate keepers of the doctors, I just hope he doesn’t urgently need to see me for anything because well Tues will have to do.

So how do I feel right now? I really don’t know to be honest, overwhelmed is probably the right word to use right now. It’s all a bit too much and I have SO much to do and I am organising it all myself. I’m just grateful for the friends that I have around me right now and my brother, they are helping to keep me afloat.

I’m surprised that my dark passenger hasn’t made himself known, I think finally after 20 years I am totally in control of this dark addiction that I held so closely for most of my life. Finally there is a distance between us and he’s no longer walking anywhere near me. Throughout all of this stress I could have easily given my dark passenger permission to just take hold of me again but it hasn’t even crossed my mind, which is a huge step for me. I have cut once in about two and a half years and I am extremely proud of myself for that because before I stopped, cutting (my dark passenger) totally controlled my life, say if my current situation with benefits, health etc was to happen 4 years ago then I would probably be cut to shreds, I would probably be cutting every day because of the stress. Like I said I’ve not thought about and even now talking about it, isn’t a trigger at all, which again is a huge improvement for me. I’ve said before that I enjoyed cutting but now I understand myself a lot more and understand that I have sensory processing issues and that is why I enjoyed it. Now I am aware of that I have different things that I use when I need that sensory feeling or whatever, its difficult to explain.

I’m glad I’ve written about all this because it has shown me that despite all of the shit I am going through, I do have things that I can still be proud of 🙂 and that is a good mood booster, least I am still moving forward and making progress.

That’s all for now,

Peace out

Batman