This shit it my life!

Wow what to write that isn’t about what I’ve been talking about for fucking weeks! I don’t even fucking care any more if all I am talking about is my current situation because this current situation is so fucked up and is having a fucking massive impact on my life and my health.

So I hadn’t heard from Diverse abilities since I saw the lady to go through my appeal which was on the 1st February. I left another message with the office and the lady rang me back in the afternoon, now she said she didn’t send my form back until the 10th February and in the pit of my stomach I instantly knew that she’d fucked it up! Now she said give it another week but I couldn’t let any more time elapse, so I rang up the Personal Independent Payment which is a premium number, which in itself is a JOKE! But the lady I spoke to was really nice and she said they didn’t get my appeal until 16th February which was too late! they needed it by fucking 12th February! This is a massive fucking cock up! She said she will see if they will open the appeal again if not then I will have to start the whole process all over again! So I have paid a charity to help me only to have it fucked right up! Well I could have done that all by myself! Suffice to say I was extremely angry and could barely keep my shit together, I cried on the phone to the PIP lady and I cried whilst talking to the Diverse Abilities lady. The anger had to come out somehow and that was the most healthiest way. Nothing I can do now until Mon, so I will be talking to my Diverse Abilities lady again to see what the plan of action is, she needs to sort this out.

I just cannot believe this was just completely fucked up so fucking bad, so now I have to wait another 8-9 fucking weeks for the appeal process! I literally want to throw myself on the floor and have a full on tantrum like a toddler because I am that fucking frustrated with this whole thing. This is my fucking LIFE they are cocking about with! I mean WTF! It is beyond and joke and borderlining on cruelty! Literally do not know how much more of this bullshit I can deal with, its getting just too too much for me to deal with.

So my money lands on the end and first of the month, which is when two big bills come out… so it isn’t going to leave me with much money, well no money for anything, not even food. I am going to have to look at the next few months and see when these big bills come out and see if I will be able to afford them or not, if not then I will have to re-evaluate my outgoings and that possibly will mean having to cut off my internet and tv, but I will sit and work it out. Another thing I don’t have the energy for, it makes me feel tired just thinking about it, I hate maths!

I had to ask a friend for money for this fortnight just so I can survive. Now I HATE asking anyone for help with anything but I was desperate. This person I have pretty much known all my life and we’ve faced life’s hardships together and we’ve always helped each other out when either one is in need. This made me feel much better about her helping me because it feels more on par and I know when she needs help I can return the favour. So she’s saved my ass big time, this fortnight I will be able to pay my bills and eat. Another friend did offer to help but I don’t want to feel or be in debt to that person as I cannot afford to pay it back.

I am glad that Ian Duncan Smith has resigned but its not because he feels the government has gone too far, its because he’s saving his own ass and leaving before shit blows up!

Something I saw today and totally believe!

Our country cannot go on with these bastards killing off the sick, the disabled and the already impoverished. We cannot let this go on but how the hell do you beat the elite, they are already corrupt to the very core. I can feel an unrest with in society and within the things I read from people like me and I do think there will be an uprising of some kind.

So to change to subject to one that’s a bit more calm.. Today I took the pups for a proper walk for the first time in a week, I’ve not been well enough to go far and my depression as once again kept me housebound too. It was cold and windy today but it felt good to be out from within my four walls. The pups enjoyed it as well which always makes me feel good. I felt like the legs were going to fall off when I got home lol.

Just been relaxing the rest of today, or at least trying too. I have so much crap constantly running through my little brain, its really hard to switch of from. I find that playing the candy crush games and doing word searches helps distract me and helps me switch off the constant running commentary that I hear 24/7.

I am always banging on about how self care is essential to my continuing recovery…I am finding it extremely difficult to do, even the little things are hard. Its hard not to be awake all night and sleep all day, its hard to get out everyday, hard to do the housework, I’m just finding it hard to keep my shit together day to day. But I am trying to do one thing each day that is self care, just to keep afloat.

So how in this moment right now do I feel? I feel empty, my body hurts and I am tired. I really don’t know how I am going to continue, I’ve literally had my fill of this BS, it has to turn around soon, something HAS to start going well…right?! Just living hour by hour is taxing, I feel so powerless to change or stop any of this.

^^ Seem to totally fit today. I hope this has a good ending.

^^ My beautiful Foxy girl

^^ Love this photo of my beautiful Scrappy Doodles

^^ I love living here ❤

^^ My beautiful Marley Moo

 My playful Harley ❤

I love my fur babies so much and they keep me going, they keep me company with them I am never alone ❤

Well that’s another depressive post written but hey this is shit is my life!

Peace out


Being penalised for having a chronic illness

Been sat here trying to think about what to write, as right now my head is a reflection of my life, its just totally all over the place and I don’t know where to start.

I was going to write about binding and pain management but I can’t get my thoughts organised at all because I have so much going on in my lil brain! I am desperately trying to figure out what bills can I cut IF I can and what I can sell…just so I can eat for the next fortnight and have electric so I can heat the flat!

I’m kinda glad I lived at the youth hostel, that taught me how to live in a shoe string! How to fight to survive. If that means selling some of my stuff then so be it! If it means getting my sky temporarily cut off or at least to get the basic/cheapest bundle…if that’s possible.

My priorities have shifted somewhat, I now need to only focus on bills, food, rent and electric…Yes they were my priorities before but at least I wasn’t scraping the barrel just to have the basics, least I was able a to treat myself. Now that has gone, I cannot treat myself and that’s an important part of my self I have to now change that.

These rich, elite fucking wankers making all these cuts have NO IDEA at all how they effect the actual people they are doing it too.

The internet is my lifeline, my mobile is my lifeline, I need netflix to watch on the days I am housebound, I need more then 5 tv channels to watch on the days that I am housebound cuz lets face BBC1 BBC2, ITV, CH4 and CH5 have fuck all on the majority of the time! These things I need when I am housebound. I need my phone to make appointments with my doctors etc, I NEED THIS!

I need to be able to put the heating on because its still cold in the evenings and when I am ill I feel the cold much more. Yes I can sit around with jumpers etc on but it still doesn’t take the chill off the place, besides its not the fucking point! I am a person who has complex physical and mental health issues who needs to be able to have a decent quality of life!

I don’t know why I am writing all of this, I suppose because my story needs to get out of there. Although I am not that naive in thinking I am the only one with the story like this, because sadly its not, its happening all up and down the country to millions of people.

Its not right, what they are doing is morally wrong and I honestly don’t know how these people can sleep peacefully at night knowing that people like me have killed themselves because they were deemed fit to work, knowing that millions of families are living below the poverty line despite working hard to support their families. YES the benefits needed to be reformed because people were abusing it BUT those who are actually ill are being told they are fit for work and having their money cut all over the place are the ones that are being penalised the most, those who aren’t actually ill can just go get a job. But those who are chronically ill cannot just got get a job, cutting money is not a fucking incentive to work, if anything it has the total opposite effect. If you are even more ill because you cannot heat your place, that’s IF you can even still afford rent, if you cannot afford to eat, if you cannot sleep properly because of the stress about worrying about where your next meal is coming from, if you are depressed because you’ve spent every evening sat in the dark, cold and the quiet, these things DO NOT equate to a functional human! let alone a happy human. Its a joke!

I can write any more because well honestly it is making me so angry and I need to reserve this energy to fight my way through this next fortnight. It is what it is and I can’t change that right now. But what I can do is make phone calls and just get through this! I’ve been through far worse and I can get through this bullshit!

I did have something else to write about, an incident that happened yesterday that caused me to have a flashback, which unsettled me for half the day, which I had to work hard to settle myself again. But I don’t have the energy to write any more, I need to get myself to bed.

Peace out


Thoracic medicine appointment

I had a great weekend but yeah totally paying for it today, I woke up exhausted and in so much pain.

I woke up about 6 am because I was in so much pain with my hips and knees. So I had breakfast and pain killers and I managed to get back to sleep on the sofa until 11 am.

When I woke up I had just enough time to get showered and dressed, take the pups out and sort myself out ready for my hospital appointment.

It takes an hour on the bus to get to the hospital and a hour back and an hour in there! Two buses there and two buses back.

Hospital appointment went well, sat in a box and did breathing tests and had a chest x-ray. He agrees with me that I need to be given a try of a different immune suppressant, he’s also going to write to my ENT doc to get him to see me regarding my reoccurring sinus infections and he is going to ask about another possible sinus rinse. I told him about my situation with atos and my benefits and he said its disgusting but he’ seeing it all the time. So yeah good appointment and my wind pipe is looking good as well and I see him in 6 months.

Got home, sorted out my med box for the week and sorted out my weekly planner with what bills and appointments I have, so I know where I need to be in the next fortnight.

I wanted to quickly hop on here to write about my appointment before I go and again and totally forget what he said lol!

It was a good appointment and I am so glad he’s totally on my side with everything I said to him, which is great and makes life so much easier when I don’t have to battle against them, because that makes it so stressful. He actually listens to what I say and he responds to what I say and sadly out of all the doctors I’ve seen in my lifetime that’s a very rare thing.

Anyway I’m feeling happy and content still, just tired and achy. I gotta get going to group now 🙂

Peace out


I can’t think of a title…

This is yesterday’s post.. the site crashed as I was trying to post it lol.

BOO!!! Just practising my scare skills for Halloween! woooooooo…lol. Ha I am so excited for my Halloween party, I love it so much.

My body is feeling really tired today but my brain is definitely back up and running and my mood has picked up again. I think now my op has been done I don’t really have much to worry about now, well just my form for benefits to fill in. But I’ve filled out loads of them, I’m sure I can fill it out ok myself.

I’ve been quite busy today, I did the housework this morning before going out. I went and paid my rent and got electric…boring adult stuff! While I was out I came over really hungry but I still can’t eat properly because of the stitches in my mouth, so I couldn’t get a burger or anything. So I got the next best thing and WOW it was SO nice, I could have eaten it again lol. I got myself a shakeaway milkshake with nutella and marshmallows… WOW… It was the best ever and it filled a hole in my stomach without hurting my mouth, BONUS!

I had my counselling this afternoon, it was a good session as usual. It’s so nice talking to a counsellor that totally understands my physical health stuff because he also has a long term condition like mine that will only get worse over time. So yeah he totally gets me because he know the struggles etc. I always looks forward to having my 1:1 session, just to chat about STUFF! like just day to day stuff I deal with, that can be a struggle. So yeah, I left feeling really good 🙂

As I was in town after my app, I went into a couple of shops and did a bit more xmas shopping and I treated myself to a lil something as well 😀 hehe. I think I deserve it so that’s all that matters. On the bus home I had to make a stop at the pet shop to get cat and dog food and got them some xmas presents too.

Eventually I got home this evening lol. The pups and the cats were happy to see me 🙂 jumping all over me, I love it! Sorted out all my shopping and I did myself some poached eggs for dinner, I did do chips with them but they were a bit hard to eat.

Felt a bit restless but not a agitated restless though. I knew I needed to do a bit of food shopping, as I was running out of stuff I am able to eat. So I ignored my body which was screaming at me to stop and went food shopping. I am going to make myself some risotto tomorrow as that will be so easy to eat and it’s really filling as well. I’ve got myself some porridge, bananas, yoghurts and yeah easy stuff to eat. I’m glad ALL my jobs are done now, I have nothing else to do. Yes I probably should have done it over a few days and BOY will I pay for this tomorrow lol. But I don’t have much planned for tomorrow, other then making dinner and maybe taking the pups out for a walk somewhere. I can catch up on sleep tomorrow, which after today and the look at the time right now lol, I will need it.

This evening I taught scrappy to do high 5! haha so proud of him 🙂 he’s so clever.

I did a video tonight as well, I was just going to do a video of scrappy doing his tricks. But I ended up just chatting away for nearly 30 mins lol, it was good though, I suppose it’s like a video diary and once I start chatting about a subject it takes me all over the place. I may do another video tomorrow 🙂

Right I’ve got to get off this laptop very soon, it is now 1 am and my head is hurting. I need my pain killers and my man sleep lol.

Peace out


I love guided meditation

Ah yes! Sunday this bullshit week is practically over! And I am feeling a bit better then I have done. But that’s mainly down to doing some guided meditation, which really helped to ground me.

A quick catch up –

Saturday –  I actually woke up feeling ok, because I did my metoject injection the night before I was half expecting to feel really poorly but thankfully I felt ok.

I’m sat here trying to remember what I did but I can’t remember. I didn’t feel too great though, I felt really restless. I was trying to relax but I just couldn’t.

By about 1:30 pm I was so restless that I just had to get out. So I took the pups down to Bournemouth beach. It was a really nice walk once I was able to actually get on the beach. There was a marathon thing on, which is great cuz it’s for charity and whatever…BUT it was really fucking difficult to get on and off the beach! I just wanted to fucking walk my dogs! WOW even that was fucking hard work. Whoever organised it, did not do it well! But whilst actually on the beach me and the pups had fun, so least that was good.

Oh I got some bad news in the post…They’ve cancelled my appointment to take my teeth out while I’m asleep…just said due to unforseen circumstances. I have been waiting 10 fucking months for this appointment! I am not impressed. But I have to wait till tomorrow to sort it out.

I didn’t have any dinner, just munched on bits and bobs, I was too tense to eat anything. The stress and the anger of the week had all built up and I was feeling really agitated.

I was in bed by half 10 pm and I knew I needed to do some meditation but I wasn’t able to do it on my own. So I found an app called Stop, Breathe and Think, for guided meditation and it was so good and really relaxed me and I felt all the heaviness go and the anger melt away. I fell asleep pretty much straight away.

Well today I woke up about half 8 am but I felt like I’d actually slept for the first time this week. Had my breakfast and watched tv. I did have a lil nap for a bit which was nice.

My friend text to see if I was up…I was up but only just lol! So I hopped in the shower, got dressed and nipped to the shop to get a few bits and waited for my friend to come over.

We spent the afternoon just chatting and watching films and the x-files. It was nice just to relax and catch up, also it was a really nice day and there’s only been one other day this week that’s actually been good, so 2 out of 7 is ok I suppose lol.

I had my dinner, sorted out all my lists for the week. My list of what I am doing and when, what bills are coming out and when. Then what dinners I am going to cook and this week on the menu is cottage pie, veg and ham risotto and corn beef hash! I cannot wait to eat it all 🙂 I’ve done my shopping list so I know what I need to get too. I am thinking of trying going to Lidl instead of Asda as I know it will be loads cheaper. Will have to see how that goes and whatever I can’t get in there I can go get in Asda.

I am feeling a lot better today, my head is in a much better place. Meditation is so powerful and this app I found is great, definitely going to do it before I go to sleep tonight.

Have a busy-ish day tomorrow, got the housework and laundry to do in the morning, I need to go up to the hospital and get my bloods done and possibly see if I can sort out re-booking my hospital app while I’m there, that will probably be much easier then trying to ring them. I’ll just go to where I went to book it the first time round and take the letter and see what happens.

In the evening I have my trans group social at a cafe called Flirt, that’s always fun, I always look forward to going up there with the pups.

That’s it for tomorrow…I say that’s it but that’s more then enough lol.

Anyway I’m going to wrap this up, as I need to take the pups out before I get to bed and do some guided meditation.

Peace out


G.I.C workshop @ Charing Cross hospital

I am so so so tired, I probably should get to bed right now. But I need to get stuff out my head before I can sleep and rest properly.

Monday night it took me nearly an hour to get to sleep because I was so anxious about Tues morning and it was so weird not having the pups in bed with me. But I eventually got to sleep…not for long though as I was up at 5:45 am Tuesday morning.

I got up, had breakfast, showered, dressed and sorted my backpack out. Man it was so weird, the flat was so quiet without the pups lol. Mind I didn’t miss scrappy following me about with his toys waiting for me to play fetch every 2 seconds! I had some time to watch a bit of tv and check my backpack like a hundred times to make sure I’ve got absolutely everything I needed. Anxious much! eeeep!

Whilst walking to the coach stop, my heart started racing, I was hot/cold and sweaty, I was shaking internally. I was a mess lol and at one point I felt like walking back home. But I carried on and I got on the coach, put my seatbelt on and off the coach went.

As the time went on my anxiety lessened because well, I was on the motorway on the way to Hammersmith London, there was no turning back lol. So I just had to get on with it! I had a nice lady sat next to me and we chatted a bit, she also gave me some directions as well which was great and totally spot on 🙂

The fucking weather was crap, it was raining heavily on and off all day. When I got off the coach I managed to walk and find my way to the gender identity clinic. I was an hour early but I was there, safe and sound. Oh on the way though some absolute fucking cock drove straight through a puddle and soaked me! I was not fucking impressed, so I flipped him off and shouted cunt at him lol!

Oh I was the first person waiting…haha. There was another guy that turned up not long after me, so we sat and chatted while we were waiting and he took my number. Loads of people soon started piling in! Which as a bit overwhelming but cool to see so many trans peeps in the same place 🙂 Some were out like me, some weren’t and some were non binary etc, so yeah it was cool.

The workshop itself was good, talked about what to expect, went through the process and what sort of things are available to us, what is covered by the NHS and what things aren’t (all is covered apart from a boob job) Talked us through the surgeries, female to male and male to female, saw some graphic surgery pictures lol! That was a bit gross, especially the male to female surgery! EEEEP! But overall it was really good and I enjoyed it. Oh and I was chatting to a lady in there and I gave her to details of the trans group I go to as she doesn’t live too far from me which is cool.

I headed back to the coach stop, picking up a sandwich on the way through because I was so freaking hungry. But I could have actually stopped to eat something properly because the coach was an hour late! My phone had died and the plug on the coach where I was sat was broken… and the battery life on my tab is awful. I couldn’t really relax because I was just so anxious to get to L’s to get my babies!

The coach was 40 mins late getting to Bournemouth but the traffic and road works was fucking awful on the way back. I hopped into a taxi and went to L’s 🙂 OMG it was soooo good to see my happy babies! Scrappy was crying bless him and foxy was happy barking at me lol!

I stayed at L’s for a little bit, just to catch up 🙂 didn’t stay too long because I just needed to get into my bed so bad.

Got the bus home with the pups, chatting to a few friends.

Got in, grabbed some food, meds, chargers for phone and tab, chucked phone and tab in my bedroom, got a nice cold can of Pepsi and collapsed onto my bed with a big sigh of relief. Ah meds, food and a nice cold can of Pepsi was so lush!

I caught up with a few peeps online who were asking me about my day but I couldn’t stay up much longer. So I was sound asleep by about half 11 pm I think.

Wow it was a really long day but I am so so chuffed that I went and I did it all by myself 🙂 and I made some friends too!

Today I woke up at 9 am, went for a pee, had something to eat and drink and went back to bed until 12 pm, I soooo needed it but I’m still not really fully functional lol. I’ve been in my own world most of the day.

I did do the housework this afternoon, did a load of laundry…that leaked grey and black onto lighter coloured clothes…oops lol! But whatever..

Went into town, got electric, paid my rent and treated myself to some new stuff. I got new trainers, boxers and two t-shirts. I think I bloody well deserved it 😀 that’s my story and I am sticking to it! haha.

Got back and relaxed for a bit, took some pain meds as my legs were aching. Then took the pups out for a nice walk 🙂

This evening I’ve just been relaxing, wasn’t really hungry so just had a sandwich for dinner. Been catching up with my groups online which has been cool 🙂

I suppose I am feeling ok tonight, just tired. I don’t really feel really happy or really depressed. I just feel ok…maybe I feel a little down but I think that’s because well it has been a hell of a week. I think the London trip was a massive distraction from what’s actually going on in my head if that makes sense. I was so anxious and wrapped up with worrying about the workshop that everything else I was worrying about has been pushed away. But I can feel it all slowly creeping back into my head, which sucks but there are things I need to deal with, like the shitty benefits wankers! URGH! So yeah I am fully expecting my mood to drop again.

Physically I’m ok, just really achy and tired. My skin on my right hand is really peeling all over my fingers. I’m not complaining because I like picking it but it does get a lil sore. I think I’m having a lil flare up because every day I feel a bit run down, which is a really crappy feeling.

Right I need to get to bed,

Peace out


Separation anxiety

Urgh I am really struggling to concentrate right now, but I’m going to keep going.

I didn’t sleep too well last night, kept tossing and turning. But I felt ok not too tired.

This morning I was pretty productive, I wrote my lists, sorted out what bills are coming out this week, did a load of laundry, wrote out my xmas list, cards, who I’m getting presents for, xmas food etc. I felt better having it all sorted.

Headed over to L’s this afternoon and I sat at hers with the pups while she went to pick up the boys. It was nice chilling with all 3 pups 🙂

I stayed there for a bit when she got back, helped Harvey do his homework.

I left because I needed to sort myself out before tomorrow. As soon as I left I felt hot, sick, shaky, my heart was racing and I could barely breathe! I was so so anxious about being away from my babies 😦 I’m not feeling much better now, but I’m not as bad as I was.

Went to the shop and got bits for my coach trip tomorrow. So that’s all sorted.

I’m just trying to relax now but finding it really difficult. I’m going to sort my backpack out soon and try and get an early night as I’ve got to be up mega early….URGH!

My stomach is doing back flips right now lol…eeeep.

I am super nervous about tomorrow but excited too. OMG I can’t believe I’m actually going and doing this! AHHHHHHHH! LOL!

Peace out


Tired of being so tired.

Urgh not so much of a great day… I am feeling so run down and a bit snotty and chesty but only a little. Just not feeling it all today, not even now lol.

I slept really well last night and woke up at 9 am, had breakfast and watched tv and fell back to sleep until midday.

Still didn’t feel good, so had some lunch and just sat on the sofa because I didn’t really know what to do with myself and time passed really quickly.

Eventually got up and had a shower, got dressed and sat across the road in the sun with the pups for a bit, in hopes that the sun would give me a bit of an energy boost…but no such luck. I felt utterly exhausted! So I slept again for an hour and a half, just because I had too, I was far too tired to do anything else. I really hate days like this 😦 it’s so frustrating.

Decided not to go to group because I’m still tired and I just didn’t feel like being around anyone yet.

Urgh even writing this is just taking it out of me :/ meh. My brain has just stopped working and I don’t even know what I’m writing.

I had a bit of money left so I had pizza hut for dinner lol, screw it I’m ill and I just couldn’t be bothered.

I sorted out my money for the my groups and counselling this week, so that’s all put aside. Sorted out what I am doing and when for the next fortnight and what bills etc are coming out and when, feels good to be organised and at least look like I know what I’m doing lol.

I ended up taking the pups out for an hour, I took a short cut down to the sea. It was really nice to get out with the pups for a bit, I love so much being by the sea. Feel so at peace by the sea.

Just been relaxing this evening and I still feel like fucking shit! I just want to hide away from everyone and everything forever.. :/ I think I’m just feeling like this because I’m tired and a bit poorly….Well hopefully.

Tomorrow is busy-ish. Gotta go out to pay rent and electric, gotta take the pups to the vets in the afternoon, might order food shopping and going to see if I can get dog and cat food delivered again from the pet shop. Also got someone coming to pick up some clothes that are going to help the homeless, which is good least they are going somewhere useful. I’m not sure I will do all of that tomorrow, it depends how I feel.

Seen a new pair of jeans I like on Amazon, so going to treat myself to them 🙂 non of my jeans fit me since losing all that weight. I definitely deserve a nice new pair of jeans 🙂 and they are so cool. I can’t seem to find any loose fit jeans in the shops, which totally sucks!

Anyway’s whatever, this boy needs to get some sleep… again!

Peace out


A better day, feeling grateful

Ah I am so tired right now but my pain levels are much much easier to deal with but I think that is because I am just getting used to it now. The swelling has gone down a bit and the bruising has come out, I just can’t wait till the fracture clinic Thursday.

Despite everything, today has been really productive. I sorted out getting a new bus pass sent to me. The pet shop I get the animals food from were able to drop my order of their food to me this evening which was amazing and just so so helpful!

This morning I managed to clean up the flat as much as I could. L and the boys came over in the afternoon, we chilled out for a bit and had some lunch then L and Harvey helped me do the bits I couldn’t which was great and I am so grateful of the help.

We went into town so I could pay my rent and get electric, I also got myself 2 pairs of jogging bottoms because they are easier to get on then jeans lol! because I can’t do my belts up.

I treated myself and the animals to some bits on amazon last night because I felt so shit I think I deserved a treat.

I didn’t end up going to the group social as the location was changed to a pub, it’s quite a small pub and I didn’t want to go just in case anyone bumped into me. It will be much better if/when they cast my arm. I really hope they do! Any wrong movement or small bump really fucking hurts! So yeah missing group all this week 😦 gutted!

Overall I’ve had a good day 🙂 despite my broken bones lol! I’m grateful to have such amazing friends.

Tomorrow I am just going to rest all day! I think I need it. My energy levels have just been zapped, all used up by being in so much pain. Slept ok last night, I’ve found the perfect sleeping solution, all propped up with pillows and blankets lol but it works so can’t knock it.

So I’m off to bed after this to relax and sleep.

This has taken so so long to write one handed lol.

Peace out


Detached from emotions

Urgh I am so tired but I need to catch up, the longer I leave it the more I’ll need to catch up.

Mon – Wow it seems to long ago now, I went back to bed in the morning because I was so tired. We had a pretty chilled day, just did some drawing and gluing stuff, took pups across the road and played over there too. They left at just gone 6 pm, I was going to go too for the trans group but urgh, I was just so so tired and achy I couldn’t move so I opted to stay in and get an early night.

Tues – Today was flipping manic and I’d not slept well yet again. I was up and out by 9 am, I paid my bills, posted something and did a few other bits and bobs in town. I then had to take Scrappy to the groomers to get his hair cut and boy did he need it, he looks like a different dog now lol, he looks like he did when he was a small pup.

After I headed out to go to my 1:1, I met L and dropped off the pups to her. My 1:1 was really good and we looked at my recent anger and frustrations as lately I’ve been much more angry and frustrated, so will be good to find the root cause of it all.

I went over to L’s to pick up the pups, only stayed for an hour and then headed down to the vets to get scrappy his booster jab and he was SO brave, he didn’t make a sound! So proud of my boy.

Finally got home and man I was just exhausted. I don’t remember having dinner…or even what I did lol. But I did take 50 mgs of quetiapine instead of my usual 25mgs just because I so needed a decent nights sleep.

Wed – I did fuck all! I slept really well and I pretty much slept all day, mainly because I needed to sleep off the extra quetiapine and I needed to catch up on my sleep. I did manage to clean up, have a shower and take the pups for a short walk. I made myself some dinner but I didn’t eat much of it, just wasn’t hungry.

I spent the evening sat colouring in a couple of mandala’s. I put my white noise on for 30 mins just to help me get off to sleep.

Thurs – And back to now. I slept ok-ish last night I did wake up early this morning but I just couldn’t get back to sleep so I just got up, had some breakfast and just had some chill time putting together a new 3in1 Lego set.

Got showered and dressed but just took my time. Took the pups out too. Just as I was getting myself ready to head out to group, the post man came with my walking stick 🙂 which was cool. I was so so sore and stiff this morning so I decided to take it with me, I felt really self conscious about it, felt like I was faking it or whatever, felt a bit paranoid using it. But it did take a lot of pressure off while standing and walking. I’m sure I’ll get used to it, I’ll only use it when I really really need it.

I’m not really sure how I feel about having to have these disability aids, it all feels a bit messy inside and I can’t really explain it. It needs to be untangled I think so I can process it and makes sense of it all in my head. At the moment I think I’ve just totally detached myself emotionally to the situation and just keep thinking rationally about it and not letting myself have an emotional response to it all and I know if I don’t it will all hit me at once, which won’t be good either. But I’m not really sure where to start with this one…was thinking maybe mindfulness…I don’t know.

Anyway group was actually good this week, the atmosphere felt a lot lighter and brighter and it ended up being a really good session. I signed myself up to do some courses at the Recovery Education Centre in September, so I’m really looking forward to that. Not sure what courses I’ll be doing yet but I’ll have a meeting with someone who will help me pick some courses that will be best suited to me.

Met L after group as I needed to give her some bits that she left Mon and that I’d forgotten to take to her on Tues lol. Chilled out at flirt for a bit which was nice.

Got home to my happy pups 🙂 and I was hungry so did myself some dinner. Nipped to Asda as I needed some bits.

Just chilled out for a bit and then took pups across the road for a bit, so they could let off some steam.

I was very tempted to go to bed when I got in because I’m so tired, but I know I will only be up at 4 am if I went to bed at half 9 pm. So I’ve just been catching up on online stuff trying to keep my eyes open lol.

Meeting L and the boys tomorrow, taking them to the Oceanarium, I sooo can’t wait because they have a new penguin house there! EEEEEEK! 🙂 so excited to see the new penguins. Should be a good day.

I’ll post some pictures when I eventually get my bloody laptop to recognise that the phone is plugged into it so I can transfer my pictures.

That’s all for now,

Peace out