A quick catch up

Just looking at when I last wrote and it was nearly 3 weeks ago, which feels like forever. I’ve struggled to sit down and concentrate mainly because I’ve been so exhausted but I’ve also been really struggling with disassociation, sometimes when I sit down I just feel frozen in place and I just cannot move, its so weird. It’s like part of my brain has just switched off but a tiny voice is still aware and awake, screaming at me but its too quiet to wake the rest of my brain up. It’s really frustrating as I have no control, so I try not to sit down to much so I’m not loosing chunks of time. But its not realistic, as much as its frustrating and makes me feel a big agitated I’m just letting it happen because it makes it worse if I fight against it. My brain is clearly just trying to protect me from something, I’m sure I’ll figure it out what.

That’s kinda where I’m at right now, still a bit depressed I think, which I have a real time accepting. Which makes the depression worse, I bully myself so much and I think as it was my birthday last week that exacerbated how I was already feeling as birthdays bring up so much stuff, which I’ll go more into in another post. Just writing this first to get the brain working and fired up lol!

It’s been really hard work to get myself organised and get stuff done as my brain is so foggy and so forgetful. Thoughts and stuff aren’t quite clear and sometimes don’t really make sense and aren’t in any order, which is making organising myself and my life pretty tricky. That plus my fatigue has been crappy as well, most days I’m not getting up and out till way past 12 pm but I’m trying not to be so hard on myself about it and just go with it. Although I do feel there’s a fine line between being lazy and resting and I’m not sure where that line even is at the moment.

I’m sure things will be less hazy soon, I kinda feel like I’m traipsing through thick, sticky mud and every task, every thought, just everything feels so heavy and so difficult. But I keep pushing through this mud, keep trying to find the beauty in every day, keep trying to smile and laugh every day. Its super hard, but I’ve been through this before, I know it passes, I know I will feel better eventually.

I’m still doing the weird breath holding thing, some days are worse then others. It’s starting to get frustrating as I can’t fix it. I think maybe its because I have things inside that have been left unsaid and I need to get them out. I need to write out some stuff out, not to post but to either pass on to the people I need to get stuff out too or just to get stuff out as a way of releasing it. I know its probably anxiety as well but deep routed as I don’t feel anxious. It probably doesn’t make sense but doesn’t make much sense to me lol.

I think I lost myself a little bit, I am changing and growing faster then can keep up with. But its been cool exploring new stuff, what sparks joy and passion and what doesn’t and who sparks joy and who doesn’t too. I do know I want to explore more, have more adventures, my confidence has grown so much and I am way more capable then I gave my self credit for. But I think that has a lot to do with leaving behind friendships where it was probably a bit codependent and just ended up being no good for anyone, not just me. I feel more free now, I don’t feel like life is on hold.

That’s all for this post but I have WAY more stuff to ramble on about lol! But I shall break it all down into different blogs.

Peace out


Transition update – Week 30 on T

Another week on T, I think I’ve been on testosterone for about 7 and half months now which is cool.

I had my peak testosterone blood test this morning, hate the fasting ones! especially at the moment as I’m on a higher dose of steroids for my chest, so I’m so hungry all the time. I can’t wait to come off them again, I should be finished them by next Friday I think.

Feeling good, nothing much to report really with the physical transition. I sent my deed poll back yesterday! So really excited about that, can’t wait until its all sorted.

I got a new nephew on Sunday which is super exciting! He’s right lil chunk, 9lbs 3! I’m going to see him a bit later, can’t wait.

I’ve got such brain fog at the moment because of the steroids, I can’t really think straight. My heads all foggy, its so frustrating.

I’ve not really been up to much, I’ve just been trying to get better, as I’ve had a really bad chest infection. It finally seems to be shifting now, which is good.

I did a Tai Chi class yesterday, which was really cool. I really enjoyed it, definitely want to find one locally, if I have the confidence to join.

All transition stuff is going well, I can’t wait for my first consultation of top surgery in July, it can’t come soon enough. Its the only thing that’s really distressing and I want sorted like right now. I may look into how much it would cost privately and see if I’m eligible for a credit card… because the wait is just so long. Its something I’m going to look into and do some research.

That’s it for now.

Week 30 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out


Feeling more myself and ready to fight!

It’s been another week since I last updated but I am feeling more myself now, so that’s a good improvement from my last post. I can’t even describe how I felt then, I just felt weird and not myself at all. I feel more grounded and settled now as well which has helped me feel more myself again.

I did some guided meditation to help ground me again and I listened to beach noises at night to help me get a more restful nights sleep. Its crazy how it helps so much, just sitting and being in the moment has helped me more then any medication has.

I’m really tired, so I’m struggling to be think of what to write. I hate brain fog so much, it’s so frustrating.

So I’ve had a really good busy week, spent most of it with L and the boys which is always good fun but absolutely exhausting.

Got my sinus infection back again after my two week course of doxycycline. Just over a week until my appointment with my ENT it still feels so far away though. My nose and my head really hurts all time 😦

My man boobs are still swollen and sore which is making the gender dysphoria much worse to deal with because I really don’t feel manly at all. I’ve not been able to bind at all because my chest is just too sore, which is frustrating.

I’m feeling the effects more and more of not being on methotrexate, I’m much more exhausted then usual, after a afternoon out yesterday all I’ve done today is sleep. Also yesterday my knee was swollen, it was so sore and felt really uncomfortable. Its been hurting for a while but I’ve just ignored it, I think it might be time to get it looked at now.

Had some more shit fucking news regarding my disability benefits, they’ve refused my appeal! So this means I now have to take them to a tribunal ffs! I just don’t have the energy for this shit, I really don’t. But I’ve got to keep fighting this because I deserve these benefits because I am ill and unable to work. Its an absolute joke it really is, having to jump through all these hoops just to receive money to survive. This is governing my entire life right now, its all I think about, worry about, talk about. But its important because its effecting me so much, I am a strong boy I can deal with this, like I deal with everything else.

Mr Scrappy has been poorly today, he’s been throwing up this afternoon but he’s been stopped now for an hour or so. Hopefully its just a bug he’s picked up and he’ll feel better in the morning. He’s been like this a few times before, so I’m not overly worried about him, he’s probably just picked up a bug.

Ok lets lighten this shit up a bit lol, um so had a text the other day to say I can upgrade my phone 3 months early, OH HELL YEAH! I was bang straight on it and got myself a iPhone 6, I am loving it, I can’t stop playing around with it and the case feels really nice, I can’t stop touching it lol.

I’ve got a good week ahead of me, so I wont be at a loss of what to do. I am having my eldest nephew tomorrow for a bit which I’m really looking forward too, as I don’t get to spend a lot of time just me and him.

So yeah that’s me, life is mega frustrating right now but when isn’t my life complicated huh…. never lol.

I think if I hadn’t got the early upgrade on my phone then the denial of my appeal for disability benefits would have pushed me over the edge, I somehow feel refreshed and energised because I’ve been bursting for an upgrade and it made me feel so happy. Its hard to put into words that make any sense but I feel ready to fight again, I know I can win this and I am totally up for the fight. I’m definitely feeling more myself πŸ™‚

^^ Scrappy and Foxy enjoying the beach

^^ Found this cool sand art πŸ™‚

^^ My beautiful Marley moo

^^ Scrappy enjoying the sun by the river

^^ Foxy girl enjoying the sun πŸ™‚

Well that’s all for now, I’ll try update sometime this week.

Peace out


Over did it – catch up

I’ve not posted for a week and that’s because I’ve been so busy, I haven’t really stopped until today. Its been great and I’ve been having a good time but I’ve totally over done it and I feel so awful today, so exhausted.

I’ll do a quick catch up of what I’ve been up too this week.

Wednesday – I don’t really remember much from this day as its so long as. But I remember I had to stay in for someone to come and lower my shower pole, so I can now reach it when sat on my shower stool. I rang up the RSPCA to get a voucher to get Harley Spayed and microchipped. I think I just relaxed and pottered about the flat, doing the housework and laundry.

Thursday – This day was SO long! I saw my bone doc in the morning and WOW that was a real shit appointment and I really despise her!

This was my FB status about it..

I really dislike my bone doc. She doesn’t listen and she doesn’t care! I asked for my whole condition/symptoms to be reviewed and she kept asking me what I meant… If I want my hyper mobility looked into I have to ask my gp to refer me to some genetic place in Southampton… She wasn’t really clear about this.

She’s still banging on about coming off steroids… So in a few weeks after my blood results today I get to start azathioprine and it that goes well then she wants to start lowering steroids again…

My bloods are all negative and have been for ages but it doesn’t explain my constant sinus infection, the chronic pain and fatigue…
And she just put the burst blood vessel in my finger down to steroids and again she didn’t even take a close look, she just glanced at it.
I really dislike her.

But I didn’t write that she wanted to examine me, which is fine and I am totally used to that. So I took off my jumper and jeans but she asked me to take my off so she could listen to my chest…I refused too as she can listen to my chest without me being completely undressed. She did listen to my chest with my top still on but that’s not the point, she was totally out of order. She’s knows I’m trans and she obviously has no understanding and no desire to understand. Needless to say my gender dysphoria was horrific afterwards.

After that I headed straight to group, which was cool as usual πŸ™‚


I went and had fuzzy hair cut an styled, so I look much better now πŸ™‚ I always feel so good after a haircut.

Met L and Boo Boo in town for a bit and then took Boo Boo home with me. Got home, sorted out Boo’s stuff, played with him for a bit, cooked us dinner, took pups for a wee, played a bit more and then put Boo to bed. I just spent the evening relaxing and watching tv.

Friday – Albert had me up early, so we went into the lounge and I put frozen on for him and I napped on the sofa for a bit, I wasn’t ready to be up at 7 am! But after that I was totally ready and we both had breakfast, Frozen was put on for a 2nd time and then we both had a shower an got dressed.

Took the pups for a quick wee and run around, which Boo Boo had fun playing with the pups. Dropped the pups home and Boo’s pushchair and walked over to the park, where we played for about an hour. I had to then bribe him into walking to a shop I needed to go to, I said I’d buy him chocolate if he left the park.

We just chilled out in the afternoon, doing lots of colouring and watching Disney films, he really got into Tangled which is one of my favourite films. I love Disney so I didn’t mind spending all afternoon watching them with Boo.

Boo and I had dinner and it was actually nice to have dinner with someone, rather then cooking for just myself. I did have to encourage him to eat it though, as he’s two and a half now and definitely asserting his right to say no, I don’t like it! Plus his taste buds are changing too, he’s gone from eating anything to very little, although he will eat chocolate all day every day lol.

We chilled out after dinner, playing with his dinosaurs and cars. He then asked me to read his book so he could go to bed, it was so sweet. Again in the evening I just spent clearing up and then relaxing.

Saturday – Boo had me up at 7:30 am..wanting to watch Frozen again! While he was doing that I had a little sleep on the sofa, as I do not do early mornings.

Again he wanted a shower with me and when we got dressed we both had Batman t-shirts on πŸ™‚ Took the pups for a wee and a run across the road, so Boo had fun playing with them. He’s so good with the dogs, its so cute.

Boo and I had some lunch, I got his stuff together and cleaned up a bit. Then got the bus and dropped him off with his dad’s family, as L was still really ill and needed a little more time to recover.

I went over to see L and Harvey and as soon as I walked in Harvey was showing me his minecraft and what he’s been building, which is pretty cool actually. I took Arnie around the block for a quick walk and wee.

Headed home and while I was sat on the bus I had a migraine start…and I didn’t have any sumatriptan left!! While I was walking home, through town I nipped into the chemist and bought some sumatriptan, got in and stripped off, got into my pjs, took my Tramadol and got into bed. I hate migraines so much, all I can do is sleep when I get one.

I slept for an hour, I then had dinner, got a shower, got dressed into my new fancy shirt and jeans, took the pups for a quick wee and then E picked me up for J’s birthday party.

It was such a good night, I talked to loads of new people. I even got into a club without being asked for I.D which is great as I don’t have I.D lol!

Sunday – I got up quite early considering I got to sleep quite late. Did my usual morning stuff, got me and the pups ready and got the bus over to L’s.

We spent all day there which was cool, I went out and got some food shopping, I took the pups around the block for a wee. Then chilled out for a bit as I was so achy, probably because I was really tired. Then Harvey and I took the pups down to the park for an hour, he rode his bike as he wanted to show me how well he can do it now. So that was cool just spending some time with me and him, gave L a chance to have a lil snooze. When dinner was ready I sorted it all out. Afterwards I fixed the nob on her slow cooker as she’d managed to melt it…yeah don’t ask lol!

I think I left about half 8 pm, got home and jumped in the shower, got into bed and was sound asleep by 10:40pm.

Monday – I woke up quite early, ate a packet of jaffa cakes and got back into bed until lunch time…I totally needed it. Did the housework and laundry, took the pups for a wee. Sorted out my meds for the week, sorted out my list of what’s going on for the week. Then in the evening I went to the Breakfree trans group social. Which as always was a good laugh, even if it was just the 3 of us lol.

Today – I woke up this morning and I didn’t feel good, I hurt all over, I felt weak and tired, my nose was all blocked. So I just had some breakfast and went back to bed until lunchtime.

Dragged myself into the shower, then got dressed and took the pups for a wee but it started raining, so we came back and I got into my joggy bottoms, as I was still so achy and feeling delicate. Spent the afternoon catching up with X-files and Gotham, while I went through the box of Lego Harvey gave me. Most of it was just random bits and fake Lego, so chucked that out and I was left with a handful of real Lego bits. I then decided to sort through my Lego into bags of their colours.

I did go out for a bit to get electric and to pay my rent, I needed to stretch my legs a bit. Also went to Asda chemist to re-order more meds.

Just been relaxing this evening, had dinner, ordered my food shopping and caught up with emails and stuff.

How do I feel right now? I’m exhausted, I’m achy and I do feel frustrated with all my health crap because it gets my down so much. I feel ok-ish just a bit low but nothing I can’t handle.

Tomorrow I am meeting my Nan and Grandad for the first time since I wrote “that” letter. I’m a bit nervous about it especially as I’m physically not feeling great and not on top form. I’m sure it will be ok…

The mothership text me the other day and asked if she was seeing my for my birthday (which is next week) and I just said I don’t know and she said ok. To be honest no I don’t want to see her but she’s not getting the hint. Whatever though.. she’s a stress I don’t need in my life right now. She’s a negative influence in my life, that sounds awful as she gave birth to me, but regarding me emotionally she hasn’t put an ounce of anything into me. Yes I was always, fed, clothed and had a roof over my head but my emotional needs were never met. Anyway its just a complicated situation and I don’t want her in my life.

Little Harley is booked in this Friday to get spayed and chipped 😦 got to starve her from 8 pm Thursday night. Going to miss her, she’s not been away from me since I’ve had her.

Overall I have been doing ok considering everything I deal with on a daily basis, it is a struggle and it is hard. But I keep pushing through cuz daddy didn’t raise no quitter!

As usual I do have loads of pictures but I shall do that in a separate post.

Peace out


Gappy boy!

Ah I am so tired again…and my mouth is a bit sore. I am really struggling to concentrate tonight.

I don’t really have much to say but I thought I would write a quick post.

I haven’t really done much this weekend apart from sleep, I’ve just been so exhausted and I have felt a bit ill too. Even though it wasn’t major surgery, it still takes a big toll on a body that isn’t already performing at 100% so it’s no wonder I feel so crap.

Yesterday evening I did go to a&e to get my hand checked out from where the cannula was. It was so sore and really swollen, I could barely move my hand. I thought it best to get checked out because nothing with me is ever straight forward. The doctor said it’s probably where they got fluid under my skin and if I can get it moving, it will get the fluid moving but it will take a few more days to heal up properly. She also said that I’ve got to keep an eye on it, for redness and the swelling getting worse because that could be a sign of infection. Luckily non of that so far, just still pain and a little less swelling now. I can move my hand a bit better today, which is good.

Today I managed to do the housework, which made me feel better. I hate it when it looks messy in here, there wasn’t loads to do but it still made me feel better.

One of the gaps that a tooth was taken from is really sore and there is stitches all around where the tooth was and around the tooth next to it. That tooth was only a root left, so looks like they had trouble getting it out! All under my tongue is really bruised, I thought it was blood clots under my tongue…but it’s actually my tongue that’s been battered! No wonder it’s all really sore in that area!

Tomorrow I have my flu shot in the afternoon, I hope I don’t feel to ill as a result. I am going to try not to nap until I got to have my shot at 1 pm and then come home and sleep the afternoon away and hopefully I’ll feel ok to go to my group social in the evening πŸ™‚ *fingers*crossed*

I’m doing ok I suppose, I need to spend some time tomorrow sorting out when and where and what I am doing for the next few weeks and I need to sort out my P.I.P form too…I’m anxious to get it all done. Plus I know I have a few appointments in the next few weeks but I’m not sure when etc. I think I am just rambling now lol..

My brain has switched off…I was going to write something about something but I can’t remember what it was lol!

Right I’ll be off to bed then!

Peace out


Sometimes all you can do is just BE :)

I don’t know where to start today, I am just looking at the screen hoping to be inspired to write. I think it’s a bit of brain block/brain fog.

I decided to go to my trans group social last night, which was nice πŸ™‚ and the pups always love seeing everyone. I think I needed to socialise and get out of my head for a bit and come home feeling a bit better then when I went.

WOW did I sleep well last night, I slept for a good 9 hours but I must have needed it. I was up for a bit and then slept again for a few hours until 12:30 pm. I so needed it though, I’ve felt much better for it.

All I’ve managed to do today is just be, I’ve felt too overwhelmed to do anything. But I am coming to realise that just being is totally ok. Yes I have my DBT skills and stuff but sometimes that just doesn’t work, nothing does. So I’ve just had to sit and be, which for me isn’t always easy because every time I feel down I feel like I should be doing something to turn it around. But by actually just sitting and being I have turned it around and I’ve not felt so exhausted today, as I’ve slept and I’ve just been without trying to do anything or be anything, which in itself can be exhausting.

I made some cakes this afternoon, I love baking but even more so now I have my stool to sit on so its a lot less tiring.

I went and had my haircut late afternoon, I just suddenly decided to go and get it cut. So I got my mohawk shaved back in, I love having the sides so short but I like having a bit to play with.

Had two showers today πŸ™‚ but again with my stool it isn’t so energy draining now. I love having a shower again now, it’s enjoyable again.

All I’ve done this evening is take the pups for a wee and pick up my meds. I didn’t end up eating anything tonight because I didn’t want anything, I did have 1 meatball at lunch time, so I have eaten a bit today.

Just relaxing now, got the tv on. Waiting for a show called girls to men to start, which is about trans guys πŸ™‚ last week was about trans kids and that was good, so really looking forward to this. All though I know this will kick off the dysphoria for me because these guys are like done with their transition and I am just wanting so bad to start my physical transition.

I now have two people that will be able to help me Thursday, so if one person can’t then the other can. So I am feeling so so grateful for that. All mother has to do is pick me up from hospital and drop me home. So I am not stressing about it as much now, I just can’t wait for it all to be over with.

Tomorrow I have my bitch jobs to do and laundry. I’m also going to try and take the pups for a walk if I feel up to it. I need to get my self sorted for Thursday, what I need to take and set my alarm and stuff. I need to be at the hospital for 7:15 am so I need to be up pretty early because I need to have a shower, take out my piercings and take the pups out for a quick wee. I probably won’t walk up there though, I’ll get a taxi. I am starting to feel a bit anxious about it now, even though I’ve had this type of procedure before. I suppose it’s natural to feel a bit anxious before being put to sleep.

Β feeling fresh with my new haircut

Peace out


The fatigue monster will not beat me!

Hmm so my brain keeps stopping today because I’m so tired and I’ve been tired since I woke up… the joys of chronic fatigue. But I shall try to string some sentences together in hope they make some sort of sense lol.

I slept ok last night up until 5 am, when I woke up feeling really hot. I got up to pee and cool down a bit, got back into bed and put my white noise app on because I felt really unsettled for some reason and my alarm wasn’t going off until 10 am.

I did get back to sleep until 10 am but I still felt unsettled but I have vague memories of weird dreams… all I remember is being stuck in a room with dismembered bodies..but I don’t know what the context was lol.

Did my usual morning things to get ready to leave the flat. Everything felt like it took forever and it was such a fucking massive effort, putting on 1 sock felt impossible… but I managed to get showered, dressed, took the pups out for a quick wee and got myself off to my 1:1.

My 1:1 was a good session, although I felt like my brain was jumping about a bit because I was just so exhausted and I had little concentration. But it was a good session πŸ™‚

On my way home I got myself a jam donut and croissant, I needed a little snack before dinner and I’d not eaten lunch, only breakfast. I snuggled up on the sofa with my pups and just chilled right out. I did intend to have a lil nap but I sat doing some colouring in for ages, until my hand was sore. It was really relaxing and I enjoy it so much and probably much better then having a nap as I really want to sleep well tonight, I hope last night was just an off night.

I had some dinner, I didn’t eat it all but I did manage to eat most of it. I am putting real effort into not stressing about how much I eat, as long as I eat something then that is totally better then nothing. But whatever I ate something πŸ™‚

Even though my lil fatigue monster was wanting me to just stay sat on the sofa, I fought against him and took the pups out for a walk, we were out for just over an hour. The pups needed it and I needed it, despite the fatigue. A gentle walk always helps me centre myself and just feel a bit better, despite being in pain and being exhausted. I suppose that’s the happy hormones that makes me feel that way πŸ™‚ but whatever it is I’m glad I went.

This evening I’ve just been relaxing, I did do a bit more colouring in of Mr Froggy πŸ™‚

I have a plan of what I want to accomplish tomorrow but I feel it maybe a little over ambitious. Although that maybe because I am feeling exhausted right now. My plan is to do the housework in the morning, have lunch and take the pups up to the heath for a walk and cook myself a nice dinner in the evening, oh and hopefully do some colouring too lol. I really hope I am able to do this because I’ve not taken the pups to the heath for ages and I love being up there πŸ™‚

Fingers crossed I feel up to doing it all ❀

I’m feeling ok this evening mood wise, just wish someone else could carry my load for a little while, so I can have a break.

After that bit of self indulgent crap lol, I shall end this ramble.

Peace out


Brain fog

Ah so it’s midweek again. I wasn’t around yesterday, I just had to get to bed. I was just over with that day.

So Monday trans group, that went well. I really enjoyed it, I met another trans guys who’s further in his transition and we clicked right away and have been chatting since. He’s actually coming over Fri so really looking forward to that.

Tues was pay day and I was all go go go. I had the docs early and he was running really late. He checked me over and my ears are still a lil sore, but otherwise he’s happy that I’m feeling better. He said I can take my steroid inhaler up to 8 puffs a day if I feel like I need it and he said he’d rather it then upping my steroids in tablets. Also talked about the contraceptive pill, we’ve changed it so hopefully this new one won’t give me migraines. Yeah just had a general chat and that was good.

After I went into town and paid rent, bills…blah! treated myself too. Got home to very happy puppies πŸ™‚ I decided to take them to go get scrappy a new harness. His one is one I got when he was a small puppy that went round his neck and chest, but where he’s pulling he’s starting to make himself cough with the harness. And I love to treat them. They love going to the pet shop, being fussed and spoilt. I got him a nice new blue harness and of course had to get him a matching lead πŸ™‚ he now has one that is the same as foxy’s that goes just around his chest. He wasn’t too sure about it lol, probably because it felt different. Took them to the field next to the shop for a little run, which they enjoyed.

Got home…I can’t really remember what I did. I think I ordered food shopping online, had a sleep and did myself dinner.

I was exhausted, in pain and just fed up and done with the day and I was in bed by 9 pm. Although I didn’t sleep until about 1 am. But it was nice just to snuggle up away from everything and just relax. Felt overwhelmed I suppose. I don’t know I was just DONE!

Late last night I found out that a friend of mine had died. I don’t know what happened, how he died or whatever but yeah. Pretty shocking. He was 21 yrs old and messed up kid. He got mixed up in drink, drugs, he was homeless and had hep c. A few years back myself and a friend tried to help him to get clean and all that. So yeah so very sad that he couldn’t be helped. Have a range of feelings about it. More sadness then anything, he was just a kid 😦 R.I.P K taken way too soon lil dude. I really hope you and your demons are at peace now.

So today, I’ve just rested and taken care of myself. I can’t remember what time I was up by, but I’ve spent most of the day on the sofa, watching tv and sleeping, oh and I put my new Batman Lego set together.

I got my lil butt up and got showered and dressed by about 3pm. I took the pups our for a wee and run. Umm can’t remember what happened then lol. Oh yeah filled out forms for the pain clinic and the recovery education centre.

I was on the phone for an hour sorting out my sky tv as the box has been playing up and not recording things properly, also needed a new cable for something. But that all got sorted.

Skyped a friend for an hour or so as well πŸ™‚ that was awesome.

Caught up on stuff online, then my food shopping got delivered, put that away. Chatted to friends online. Had dinner.

Man real bad brain fog tonight, I can’t think. I think this is my cue to go..fuck it lol.

Peace out


And its over….

Well its finally over! phew. I can breathe and let the mask slip a little.

So just a regular Saturday. I think I woke up fairly early again. Around 8 am. But I came into the lounge and went back to sleep on the sofa for a few hours. I was still really tired, I don’t know why I wake up so early and then fall back to sleep on the sofa…its so annoying that I have to have disrupted sleep nearly every day.

I had a sandwich for lunch and sat watching a bit of tv. Eventually I got up off my ass and cleaned the flat and took the Christmas decorations down. Fox has still got a bit of a bad stomach and yeah all over the sofa…gah! So gross to clean up! Least when scrappy goes in the house, he goes in the bathroom where I can clean it up. But I couldn’t be mad, when you gotta go you gotta go I suppose. So took their food up again for a few hours to starve them. The flat feels naked now the decorations are gone. Thought I would do it today as I was in the cleaning mood….that might not happen again πŸ˜‰ lol. Felt good though, always does when the flat is nice and tidy.

Had a shower and got dressed. Wore my new t-shirt today. Took the pups across the road for a wee and a little run. Bloody hell it was FREEZING! The temperature has really dropped the last few days. Poor foxy was trying to poop, but nothing was really coming out. I dropped the little rascals home and with the tree’s away I didn’t have to worry about putting them away from Mr scrappy doo.

Went out to see what the game shop was like. It was busy…but the game I wanted was Β£10 cheaper today! SO glad I waited! I bought the new Lego Batman 3 game πŸ˜€ They had ran out of the exclusive Robin figures though….bit gutted, but I don’t really like Robin. After that shop I went to Asda as I needed some bits and bobs. Then came home. By the time I had cleaned, took pups out, went to the shops the day was nearly over lol. I felt like I’ve taken forever to do anything today, because I keep forgetting what I’m doing….my mind just goes blank and I end up just standing or sitting staring into space…Completely forgetting my train of thought. It’s just so frustrating, I just don’t feel like I am in control of my thoughts. By the time I got home it was about 4:30 pm.

Just spent this evening in front of the idiot box…there was not much on really. Been watching things I’ve recorded. Been sat here thinking about what I want to do tomorrow. Want to do it all now, but I know I need to relax this evening, because once I start I know it will turn into a big job.

Had my dinner, sausage and mash πŸ™‚ yum.

Oh man its taking so long to write, because I keep zoning out and struggling to remember what the hell happened.

I put the fish tank up for free, as I’d been putting up for sale for how much it cost me to set up, as my ex D bought it for me, but it cost me a bit to set up. But anyway within about an hour and a half someone had emailed me and he came over to pick it up! So glad its gone. One less thing to worry about. That corner is empty now, but I’m going to get a little table to go next to the sofa on that side.

It’s 1:20 am here. I need to hang up the washing and take the pups for a wee before I can go to bed. Feeling so tired and run down. My mood has crashed a little, but I think that’s because I’ve been so busy and not really had much time to be me, just time to do nothing. And with all the hype of Christmas as well. It’s kind of an anticlimax when its all over and done with. I’m glad I made such an effort though, but yeah, back to normal now. Just the new year shit to get through.

The plan tomorrow is to sleep and sort through all my clothes..again! That will probably lead to sorting through the rest of shit in the flat.

Fingers crossed I get my new Lego set delivered on Mon! I am SO excited to get it. I may save it till the weekend to put it together. I want to be totally present when putting it together and enjoy it. My last big set I put together I put on my favourite film, had my favourite drink and some nice snacks. So it made it a totally awesome time. That took me 6 and a half hours. It was taxing but worth it. So yeah I want a day where I can do that and totally enjoy the moment. This will probably take longer as it has more pieces and its pretty much ALL black lol. It probably seems a bit sad to some people, but its my hobby πŸ™‚

Now its nearly 2 am…I need to get myself off the laptop after this. I’m tired. Ooooh may do myself hot chocolate when I get in from taking the pups out.

Anyway I am off.

Peace out