Inner monologue

I wrote this early hours of this morning and thought I’d share the sort of stuff that runs through my brain.

Inner monologue

Body needs to rest but my brain needs that’s physical stimulation which is maybe where/when/why I get so agitated and frustrated as I’m not physically working moving enough and my brain needs that stimulation/sensation in order to be able to focus and function better

But obviously having a chronic illness rest time is hugely important and essential to keep my body well.

My brain is also easily overstimulated which can either leave me feeling drained and overwhelmed or hyper and unable to sleep or settle down.

It’s been such a great journey learning more about myself and how my brain is working and connecting those dots.

Pretty much everything I write isn’t based in science, just my own personal experience, discovery and exploration of myself and how I work and function, which is fascinating.

I’m heading towards 35 and I’m finally figuring myself out, in a way I’ve never really looked at before.

When I have counselling before it’s was always based around dealing with the situations I was currently dealing with like self harm and depression. I never really delved into my past and never really spoke about the why, why I am the I am, what’s making me tick.

This round of counselling, I mean yeah I was struggling big time with anxiety and depression. But I feel like I’ve been way more open with my current counsellor, I’ve delved deeper than just surface stuff and I’ve been given the space and opportunity to look at things completely differently and it’s been super fascinating and now when I’ll just get random thoughts much like how this post started from a light bulb moment I suppose and I’ve just been writing and writing and a lot of my scribbles don’t make it into a blog but I’ve got so many notes all over the place I will type them up and turn them into some kind of order as I think it’s such an important part of the process and journey of rediscovering who I am outside of friendships and relationships and outside of my transition.

I don’t think I’ve ever really known who I am and where I fit. But I’m slowly learning and discovering more about myself and it’s exciting.

I’m starting to like me and who I am, what I represent and what I can contribute to this life.

I’ve always felt like a lost soul, just kinda floating around, not really fitting in or not even really needed.

I’m started to feel more grounded in my body, in my mind and in my soul, the essence of who I am and why I’m here. Feels super weird but also pretty cool.

My sessions end this month and I’m feeling pretty confident that I can continue this journey myself. Just gotta keep writing out all these thoughts in my head and continue to listen to myself and the different aspects that make up me and make sure all needs are met where possible so I can continue to be the best version of me.

I did write another note of stuff I was thinking about last night but I will post that separately as its pretty long.

Also reading this back I have little recollection of writing this, I knew I wrote it but I was so in the moment and everything was just flowing, which I think the real me is able to come into power and be at my most raw and vulnerable.

Peace out

Zak

Disassociation and other stuff

I’m not sure this post will make much sense, or even have a point lol. But I just need to write things out and hopefully help sort through the mass of thoughts that race through my brain every second of every day.

I’m going to try and make sense of everything, by sorting through things bit by bit.

I’ll start with an update about my weird breath holding thing… basically I’m still doing it and its still frustrating. Nothing works so I’m just trying to ignore it as trying to fix it makes it worse.

I do it the most when I’m feeling tense, which at the moment seems like a lot. I find myself sat on the sofa scrunched up, my whole body is tense and I’m just unable to move, unable to get out of my head. I can sit like that for hours, which I know is disassociation but in a different form then what I’ve experienced before.

This disassociation feels more like an internal struggle, I’d much rather feel all floaty and out of my body, as I feel weightless. But this is so intense and physically hurts my whole body and I feel like I have no control.

When I become aware of how I’m so tense and scrunched up, I try my best to relax my body but I feel so achy after, its hard to get away from this internal struggle.

I also keep getting stuck endlessly and mindlessly scrolling through social media, again feeling really tense and again with chunks of time passing by.

It feels like apart of my brain has just switched off and gone to sleep, which is a simple way to describe what disassociation is. It’s your brains way of protecting you, which in itself in super interesting. But I feel that there is still a small part of my brain that’s awake and shouting to wake the rest of my brain up, which is causing this internal struggle. Because even though I’ve disassociated, my brain hasn’t entirely shut off, so I have an awareness but I’m unable to do anything. I feel like I’m trapped inside my body, its really weird.

I can be sat down, all scrunched up know I need to get up and move because I have stuff to do and but I just cannot move, I’m glued in place. The small voice just isn’t loud enough to wake my brain up, but I can still hear it shouting at me. Which makes me feel even more tense and frustrated because I’m not in control, I cannot make myself move until my brain wakes up again.

I don’t really know if this will change, maybe it means I’m slowing healing the parts of me that needed to disassociate, maybe it doesn’t, I’m not sure.

Hopefully in time, this will improve or at least I’ll go back to fully disassociating.

I’m feeling more tense this week for a few reasons, I’ve come off trazadone, as I felt I no longer needed it, I’m sleeping better and despite everything I’ve just described I’m feeling better too. But the withdrawals of trazadone can make you feel more agitated and I think that’s really hit me this week. Also two weeks ago I had a pretty big hit of testosterone, due to switching over from Sustanon to Nebido and the loading process means having both shots at once! So I think again such a big dose of hormones has really hit this week. I’m sure in time these will both wear off and I’ll start feeling a bit more relaxed.

I’m still struggling to feel connected to myself, which goes back to the disassociation, but also apart of the gender dysphoria as well.

I think when I took a step back from people in my life and took stock of everything, I took a step back from myself and forgot to step back in again.

I feel a bit out of place, a bit out of sorts and just a bit weird. I’m slowly working towards getting back to myself. But I think I’ve always had this disconnect with myself, the gap feels bigger then before.

Talking about this subject in counselling is helping me understand it a bit more, which has been helpful. This week I learnt that my high tolerance to medications could be linked to the disassociation which is really interesting. Even CBD oil, does nothing for me, natural remedies don’t work for me and I’m really resistant to most medications. When I started taking tramadol, I don’t ever remember it making me feel high, like how it makes most people feel. This is definitely something I want to look more into, as its fascinating and I want to be able to react to meds like everyone else does. I also know a high tolerance to medications is also linked to hypermobility as well, which I have. I just want to try and understand my brain better and why it does what it does and if I can help myself in anyway.

I always knew my brain was wired differently to most, but never knew why. I’m still really non the wiser about why I disassociate, as its usually a result of trauma. I’ve not experienced your usual traumatic events like sexual abuse, violence etc. But then my life hasn’t been simple easy, I became ill when I was 6/7 years old, family life wasn’t always easy, my parents divorce was pretty messy but these are the only things I really remember.

My memories aren’t in order and there are huge chunks missing, which again a sign of traumatic event. Maybe it was just a culmination of events throughout my early childhood/teenage years rather then 1 significant event. Sometimes not being able to remember things is frustrating but I know its my brains way of protecting me from bad things.

This week my memory has been awful, its much worse when I’m feeling stressed/tense. It effects my short term memory, I can forget when happened a few hours ago, which is super annoying. If I’m feeling more calm and relaxed my short term memory is better, I have much better recall.

I struggle with routine, I have non negotiable things I do every day, like take my meds, housework, eating, taking the dogs out. Things I need to do to get by. But beyond that I have no interest in the 9-5pm life. Partly because my body doesn’t work that way, my brain certainly doesn’t either. I cannot stand early mornings, I need quiet time to wake up and adjust to the day. My brain certainly takes its time to wake up, its much more active in the evening, early hours of the morning. I like my freedom to do what I need/want to do in order to feel good and take care of my mental and physical health.

I know I have a lot to give this world yet, but I’m not sure what that looks like. Maybe as the year goes on, that will become clearer to me.

I need to keep writing, I keep saying this but I always hold myself back.. Don’t know why I do it.

I can feel myself switching off, running out of focus. So I shall sign off for now.

Hopefully this sheds some light on well me and how I function, which could be useful for those in my life and help them understand me more and maybe it rings a bell with whoever else is reading this.

Peace out

Zak

Writing helps me make sense of my brain

I was going to post some pictures of the last few weeks but my laptop is being so slow! and it’s really irritating so I shall try again tomorrow.

Feeling much better today, I think writing yesterday really helped me to work through everything that was going through my head. It got it all out an I have things that I can work on to help.

I actually slept well last night 🙂 probably for the first time in a while.

Woke up with really achy legs, my leg muscles are always so so sore the day after I do my injection 😦 but they didn’t feel better until I had a little nap.

Got myself showered and dressed and on days like this I am so grateful of my shower stool because there was no way I could of had a shower without sitting this morning, my legs hurt too much.

Didn’t feel confident enough to take my stick out with me today even though I should have. I managed without it ok though.

I met L and the boys in town, L treated me to a tattoo 🙂 I love it so much and I so needed a bit of pain therapy! Was good fun

After we slowly made our way back to L’s picked up the pup and went to the park for a few hours, which was good.

Headed back to mine, all my furkids were happy to see me 🙂

Did the house work, so I don’t have to do it tomorrow. Went and got stuff to make dinner with next week and picked up my prescription.

Just been relaxing this evening watching CSI Vegas and playing with my furkids 🙂

Having a nice roast dinner tomorrow at L’s so looking forward to that, can’t beat a good roast.

Think I am going to do a little bit of colouring in my book before getting myself to bed.

11873967_10155854556405456_1074638198_n our tattoo’s 🙂

Peace out

Batman

A lil irritable

Ahhh I keep getting distracted by the pups, cat and the tiny kitten that keeps meowing at me lol! It’s now gone midnight so I better crack on as I’ve got to get up early tomorrow to take foxy girl to get her haircut.

I’m just trying to think what the heck happened today lol, I woke up early but was still tired so I had breakfast and went back to bed until a more reasonable hour then 6 am.

Chilled out for a bit but time was getting on so had to get my butt up and clean the flat up, oh and get showered and dressed before my O.T came over lol. But I always feel good when the place is looking tidy. Harley didn’t like the hoover lol, she ran and hid under the sofa till I finished, bless her.

My O.T (occupational therapist) arrived about 12:30 pm and she didn’t leave till 2:15 pm lol. She was so nice and we ended up just chatting about everything which was cool. I actually know her son, he was the year below me at school, such a small world. Anyway she is going to order me the perching stool for the kitchen and I will get that Mon at the latest which is cool, but the corner stool that she thinks will be best for the shower is something the don’t stock so she has to take that to the team meeting on Tues to put the case forward, but she said it shouldn’t be a problem. It will just take a bit longer which sucks a bit as I’m so desperate for it but least the ball is rolling now 🙂

After she left I went into town, got some electric and paid my rent. I used my love to shop voucher to go towards a ring that I’ve had my eye on, so I treated myself to that 🙂 I went to Primark and bought a cool Batman wallet, a Jaws vest top and just a plain vest top. I had my shopping list with me and ended up getting all the non food bits I needed in poundland, they had everything I needed and worked out cheaper then getting it in Asda.

So I dropped my shopping home and went to do my food shopping and had to order some meds as well. Got everything I needed and I may have a little bit accidentally bought Leo a Batman pj set lol 😀 and I got myself Maze runner on dvd, it’s such a good film.

I got ambushed by my happy puppies when I got home lol, which I love coming home too 🙂 unpacked the shopping and shoved it all away. Then chilled and watched friends for a bit before having some dinner again, I’m happy that I’ve been eating a bit more then I have been, I feel less dizzy all the time.

After dinner I felt so tired, so I laid out on the sofa with the pups just watching friends still. I was thinking that maybe I would have a lil snooze but I felt restless at the same time so ended up getting back up. My nan and grandad popped over for 10 mins with some beetroot and potatoes that they’ve grown in their allotment, so that’s pretty cool and can’t wait to try them.

The pups were restless and I was tired but restless…so I took them out for a walk. It was ok but it started to rain and it was freaking cold! I come over feeling really irritable and grumpy so didn’t really enjoy the walk at all just wanted to go home.

My mood has picked up a bit this evening and I feel less easily irritated and grumpy. But I suppose I can’t be happy 24/7 lol, as soon as my mood changes I jump straight on it and analyze the shit out of it and my brain just goes into over drive when it really doesn’t need to but I can’t help it. Anyway when I got in I got straight onto the laptop and I’ve been distracted away from the fuzz that was going around in my head. I do feel like I just need one whole day of doing nothing, not even getting dressed, so I am hoping I can do that at some point this week *fingers*crossed* I need it so I don’t burn out or piss someone off by accident.

My chest is still a bit tight and chesty so I’m going to try and do another sputum sample this week and I’m hoping I don’t need another round of antibiotics….but I may well do. I also need to go back to the hand therapist as my fingers are still quite sore and my little finger is bent as fuck and I cannot straighten it! So I need to book another appointment with them.

Tomorrow morning foxy is off to the groomers so she will be able to see again lol, need to pick up food for the pups and the cats while I’m near the pet shop that holds the more natural food I get them. The cats food is good because I can give it to both Marley and Harley without having to give Harley separate kitten food, she can eat what Moo eats which is a money saver lol. I’ve also caught Harley eating the dogs kibble lol! she will eat whatever! She keeps jumping onto my plate while I’m trying to eat my dinner, she kept stealing my bacon bits lol. I digress lol so after that my bro wants to meet up so don’t know what we’ll be doing but should be a good afternoon 🙂

Ooops it’s gone 1 am, I am SOOOO not going to want to get up tomorrow.. :/ well better get this posted and my lil butt off to bed 🙂

Peace out

Batman

I went out YAY!

After sorting my bed stuff out, taking the pups out and dosing myself up to the eyeballs with medications, pain killers and my injection. I was in bed by midnight, put on a dvd and played on my tab for a bit.

I slept really well last night and I woke up just before 9 am. Had some breakfast and a drink, watched some tv.

Mothership text me saying she wanted to go into town later and if I was up for going into town with her. She had to take the car in for a service and some other bits. I said yes because well it would be nice to see her and actually get out of the flat.

I had time to relax and watch some tv, so was nice to relax and take it easy. Oh I did a load of laundry.

My rash is gone now and so has the wheeze. I’m just left still feeling a bit run down and tired. My skin on my face and ears is so so dry, its all flaky. It looks a bit like eczema now.

Eventually got myself showered and dressed and I took the pups out for a wee and run.

Came back and had some microwave chips for lunch. Hung up my washing to dry and then mothership text me to say she was on her way, pretty good timing. I got myself ready and met her outside mine, we were lazy and parked in town lol, rather then walking from mine.

We had a good walk about town, chatting and stuff. It was actually a pretty nice afternoon. While we were out I asked her if I could have £10 as I want to go to my group on Mon and I already owe last sessions fee of £2.50. But didn’t tell her it was the trans group and she didn’t ask any questions and she gave me the money I asked for which was awesome! Really pleased as I missed this week’s Thursday LGBTQ mental health group because I was too ill. So I can’t wait to go to both of my groups this week. As we were walking and talking about things, we were talking about my brother and his children and I said that I want all my baby making stuff taken out because I’m not going to have children because I’m too ill and she seemed pretty chill about that as I know in the past she’s sort of pressured me, I know she wants grandchildren from me. But I think as I’ve got older and my condition has become less stable I think she has come to realize that having children for me just isn’t a sensible idea. And that takes a lot of pressure off me and its sort of a step closer for me to tell her about being transgender.

After town, we came back to mine for a few hours and just sat about. My brother, his gf and Jack and Leo came over for a little bit. It was nice to see them all and have cuddles with little Leo, he’s getting so big and Jack loves playing with the dogs emoticon smile

Even though I enjoyed seeing everyone and having gone out etc. It was nice when they had all gone and the flat was nice and quiet again. But I really do appreciate that they came to see me, took me out, treated me etc.

Mum had got me some baby oil to help with my dry skin. I’ve applied some of that all over where I’ve been itching the most, I’ll use it for a couple of days and hopefully it will help. Oh and I booked myself into see my GP on Tues, just like the hospital suggested.

When I was talking to my mothership about the rash and I showed her the pictures of how bad it was, she said I have had it before and that it was because of the GPA (was wegeners granulomatosis) I don’t remember, but then I’ve had so many different symptoms in the last 29 nearly 30 years…I don’t remember them all. I’ve believed from the start it was GPA as it slowly got worse over 5 days and was knocked on the head by a big dose of steroids straight into my vein. If it was an allergic reaction to something then all the symptoms would have happened within a few hours from the rash to the wheeze…or quicker. I think it was a viral thing. The wheeze has gone, so has the rash, but my ears are still hurting on and off. I got my ear spray still left and I’ll keep using that until I see my GP and see what he thinks.

Gah, this blog has been all over the place this evening, but that’s a reflection of how my brain is right now.

This evening I’ve just been chilling out. Felt so tired after today, its the first day in about 5 days that I’ve gone anywhere for a period of time. My brain wanted to clean the flat as it’s a tip, but had to listen to my body and just sit and relax. So I have, even though the state of the flat as been driving me insane. Scrappy hasn’t helped with the state of the place….he’s been having a lot of fun pulling the fluff out of his toys lol! It looks like a dog toy massacre in here! At least he’s not eating MY stuff!

Tomorrow I am going over to see my step dad emoticon smile he’s been poorly too, he’s been in hospital again. I’m going over with the pups and some dvd’s so we can just hang out. Am really looking forward to that. I’ve not seen him since xmas. But yeah I love my step dad and we are pretty similar, both really easy going, both got pretty severe illness’s, we like the same sort of thing. Plus he’s my dad’s brother and it makes me feel like I’m close to my dad when I’m with him.

I am feeling good mentally and physically emoticon smile My physical health always has a knock on effect on my mental health, but its rare that both things are going well. It’s days like these that I hold on too, because I know my health is bad, but I get good days.

Off to bed after this emoticon smile very much looking forward to a good sleep.

Peace out

Batman

Finally a chilled day

I feel a lot calmer today. Mood has settled, which is good. My brain is finally quiet! After a week of total madness and such a noisy head. My mood hasn’t crashed either, so that’s a bonus. I’m always worried about a mood crash after mania. But I’ve been looking after myself and my needs today, so that may of helped.

Poor boo (Albie) was in hospital last night, as Harvey gave him a peanut and he had an allergic reaction to it. He went all puffy bless him. But he’s ok now, he just can’t have nuts again. L has got an epi pen just in case. Bless them both.

I’ve spent the day relaxing. I woke up about 8:30 am, let scrappy on the balcony to pee. I had breakfast and went back to bed till 11 am. Woke up again and put the gammon in coke on for dinner.

Just relaxed all afternoon in and out of sleep. It was bliss and just what I needed.

I eventually got up, dressed and took the pups over the road for a run. It’s finally cooled down out there YAY! lol It was lovely out there. As much as I like the sun and the warm weather. I HATE being hot and feel exposed walking about in a vest top and jeans. Bring on hoodies, jeans and baseball caps! wooho!

I watched the Simpsons movie this evening. It finished just as dinner was ready. Perfect timing. Dinner was gorgeous. My new addiction lol. I just can’t get over how it can be so so simple and utterly amazing. YUM!

Just been catching up on fb and on here this evening. Watched beetlejuice. Such a good film. I think we have thunder and lightening! woohoo 🙂

Feeling so good and relaxed. Not much planned this coming week, so I got lots of time to myself, so that’s good. Not sure when I get paid though. My money usually goes in on a Sat, but it didn’t…I’m hoping Mon or Tues. It’s because I have been changed over from incapacity, to ESA. So fingers crossed it goes in soon.

Going to see D.v in hospital tomorrow. He’s in for a week having tests and stuff cuz of his cystic fibrosis. Getting my keys back off him to give to H.

Well that’s it for now.

Peace out

From a very chilled Batman