Living in the darkness

I haven’t written anything on here for just over 2 months now, the main reason is I just got swallowed up whole by my depression and I just haven’t had the energy or desire to do the basic life things let alone sit down to write.

The main cause of my depression has been lockdown unsurprisingly, as it has I’m sure effected every single person in one way or another. It’s been an incredibly hard time and I haven’t experienced this depth of the darkness and isolation in such a long time and its not a place I like to be in. But I’ve had zero control in getting myself out of it and making myself feel better and you know right now that’s ok. My brain is doing everything it can to protect me from further tramua.

I’ve had silly comments from people who’ve said well I survived through it, I live in a beautiful area etc, which is extremely dismissive of how I’ve been feeling and its a reason why no one really knows just how bad and how dark the places I’ve been in recently because I get sick of this toxic positivity bullshit! Yes I’ve survived lockdown so far, but only fucking just and I mean I was on the verge at a few points of ending it all because the loneliness and depression was just so loud and it was so intense that I just didn’t and couldn’t deal with it anymore. But I did keep pushing through and its still not something I can feel proud about because I’m not out of the woods yet. I’m still pretty depressed, I’m just a fucking master at hiding it.

A few weeks ago it was my 3 years on testosterone and 1 year post op top surgery and in July I had arranged to meet up with some friends to celebrate as the previous years I haven’t and its something that’s extremely important to me and I wanted to celebrate, but it was pretty much a fail because most people bailed! which hurt like fuck and still fucking does and I’m still so angry and upset that I’m not overly interested in talking with the people that bailed. I tried to be happy and grateful for the few that did turn up but I just couldn’t, I was already extremely depressed and this just topped it off. Next year I’m not going to fucking bother! I am so fucking done with people!

People are so fucking fake! Always promoting mental health, self care etc but fuck me right! I don’t actually matter! I’m so fucking angry with people, I’ve been let down by everyone over the years and I have not one single person who I can rely on. I hate everyone, I don’t deserve to be treated this way, I bend over backwards to help anyone but no one seems to be able to celebrate something that’s extremely important to me. I am fucking done with everyone! I’m just not interested anymore. They can talk the big talk but I don’t trust that shit anymore, when it comes down to it, no one actually shows up for me.

All is does is make me feel like a really fucking shitty person! I feel like the worse person in the world cuz I’m 35 and still have no friends and I still don’t understand where I’m going wrong like wtf!? am I this fucking dumb?! I know I am far from fucking perfect, I know I’m an annoying dick head but I’m not a bad person. Yet shit like this makes me feel like the worst person in the world.

I see everyone else with their friends, having fun, doing stuff etc and there’s just me here on my own, like when’s it my turn?! When is it my turn to have friends and be happy? I fear my life will always be like this. I can’t seem the change the patterns no matter what I try, I try be like everyone else, I try and be myself, nothing works. So must be me right?

I’ve always felt like such an outsider, I feel like I’m from a different planet cuz I just don’t fit in socially, its too hard. But I don’t understand why I’m so different, I hate feeling like this. I don’t understand why people don’t like me or why people just can’t be bothered to put the effort in with me. I can’t change what I don’t understand.

I’m so fed up of writing about the same shit and crying about the same shit. I don’t think people understand the depths of my isolation really is. I have no emotional connections with anyone, certainly not my family and no friends. I’ve become so shut down emotionally so I can deal with this depression and loneliness, I can barely feel anything other then sadness and anger. I spend 99% of my time alone, there’s only 2 people who regularly message me and to be honest the last few months they’ve really helped get me through. But its still not the same as social interactions, I get so much from social interactions and I just haven’t had any for so long, its beyond difficult.

I’m back at counselling now, I begrudgingly went back. I enjoy going and I enjoy talking about stuff and its at least some social interaction for the week. But I’ve been in counselling for the last 20 years on and off, I’m starting to feel I’m too broken to ever be fixed and this is just my life forever now. My life has been hard and its still hard, with a few moments of happiness but they seem to be few and far between. The darkness is just so strong, its hard to climb out of it. Most days, I just let the darkness take over and I just sit and completely disassociate so I can just get through the day. I’m barely functioning most days, I have my non negotiable things I do each day, like take my meds, do my sinus rinse and take the dogs out, but the energy it takes just to do those small things is immense. I’m barely getting through each day and its exhausting. I want so much to be happy, to be loved, to have friends, to have adventures with my friends, but seems like that’s a lot to ask for. It’s all I’ve ever wanted from life. But damaged people don’t get a happy ending right? I just feel like I’ll be living in this darkness forever, its the only constant in my life over the years. I can’t remember when the darkness and I first met but I think I was quite young.

I do think my diagnosis of Bipolar is wrong, I reckon I have complex PTSD, autism spectrum disorder and ADHD as all 3 of these have symptoms that are the same or similar to bipolar and all 3 have overlapping symptoms with each other. I don’t have the energy to speak to my GP about any of this as I know I’ll get sent to my psychiatrist who doesn’t believe in adult ADHD, which is ridiculous and I just hate talking to him, I find it hard to get everything out as I feel like he’s sat there judging me, I always feel like he thinks that I’m just an attention seeker. So yeah I hate talking to him and I can’t ask for someone else as he’ll block that because he’s a prick! But hopefully through counselling I can figure some stuff out and maybe gather some evidence for a potential re diagnosis.

So yeah that’s me, writing out my heart and soul of darkness!

Peace out

Zak

Maybe

Drowning in my emotions, don’t know what to do now.

Does it ever really get better or just always stay the same.

Patterns just seem to repeat over and over. I don’t understand how when I’m working so hard to change.

Maybe nothing really changes, maybe broken always stays broken.

I can’t keep feeling the same forever. I always just pretend to be ok, it’s the only way to get through each day.

Some say fake it till you make it. I feel like I’ll never make it, just be stuck in this circle forever, never being able to break away.

Why can’t I move forward, why do I keep feeling like a lost little kid, same old story over and over. Why isn’t it changing.

Tired of trying, tired of trying to be a better me. Seems to still end up in the same place.

Trying to break these patterns but I’m just not strong enough.

Maybe I’m not meant to be happy, maybe what I want will always be unobtainable for me.

Maybe broken stays broken.

Zak

Emotional Robot

I don’t know if I’ll post this but I needed to write to get it all out of my head before I go insane.

I feel so disconnected from everything, I feel like a robot, nothing feels real. I’m just doing things because I have to, just emotionless, going through the motions.

Yet inside, my heart is just burning up with pain. It feels so overwhelming and I don’t know what it is.

And I just can’t let myself be vulnerable with anyone because I’m scared, I’m scared of people knowing I’ve not got it all together like I show people, I’m scared of being rejected for it, I’m scared I won’t be able to get myself back together again.

I feel so fucking broken, so lost.

I feel so anxious all the time, I only go out the absolute bare minimum. I just can’t face the world. I can’t keep putting on the mask.

I feel like I could scream and shout, punch and kick and still I wouldn’t be heard. Why would anyone care anyway?

This pain is crippling, squeezing ever last ounce of my soul out, into just a puddle of nothing on the floor.

I just want it to stop.

Peace out

Batman

Grumpy c**t *sorry*

It’s my trans group again tonight, which is why I am updating early. I may write again later, will see how I feel.

So yeah yesterday….my mood was incredibly low and I wasn’t particularly articulate, because of the low mood. And yeah my attitude to people who were being nice was horrible, but I don’t need people trying to fix it or be nice or whatever, I just need to be left to it.

I was in bed and asleep be 9:30 pm because I couldn’t cry any more and I just couldn’t deal any more.

Been up since 8:30 am, but haven’t napped. I had a good 11 hours sleep last night, but I think I definitely needed it.

Haven’t done anything today, apart from sit on my ass, get a shower, get dressed and take the rubbish out. I’ll take the pups out soon. Spent a while clearing stuff off my phone, as the memory was totally full.

I have an appointment in the morning to see the hand specialist and get my metal splint fitted. I’m going to ask questions about all my other issues I have with that hand and wrist and maybe they can help. Because I have a trapped nerve and I am prone to tendonitis as well.

I have also spoken to my GPA specialist, well his secretary and we had a lil chat. I told her about everything I’ve been going through recently. And she said she’ll pass the message on and see what he thinks. She shortly rang me back to say that I have an appointment at the end of March, but she said if she can get one that’s a bit sooner.

Oh man typing with a fractured finger is so painful! But I NEED to get everything out.

So the mood thing…birthday thing. GAH! My mood is a little better today, feeling less depressed but still a bit grumpy. I’m going down on my quetiapine today, from 150mgs to 100mgs. So this maybe have a small effect on my mood but its not the cause.

The birthday thing…I am pushing people away on purpose and I am big enough to admit that. It’s not something I am proud of but its my way of protecting myself. In the past my birthday’s haven’t been great. My last adult birthday when my dad threw me a party only a few people bothered coming, this devastated me. Since then I’ve not really been a fan on birthdays and since then its been down to me to sort it out. With everything I go through just for once I really want someone to take control and I don’t know make a fuss. I see other people going out and having a great time for their birthdays, yes past birthdays have been good, but I feel that if I hadn’t sorted something out, no one else would have. I just feel incredibly let down by everyone around me and YES I more then understand that people are busy have their own shit going on, but it doesn’t take 2 seconds to text and check I’m ok, seriously one single text would make all the difference to my mood. I know people care, but because I don’t feel like people haven’t shown it to me, through lack of contact or whatever. I feel alone, totally alone and isolated. I feel like not one single soul in the entire world gives a shit. When I am ok physically and mentally I bend over backwards to help all my friends, make sure they are ok, even if its just a text. There are certain people I think of every day and text on a regular basis just to check in and hoping they are ok. My expectations of my friends maybe are too high…..maybe I just need to try and be happy with what I have..

I am tired, emotionally, physically, spiritually. Every ounce of my being is fed up, I feel broken. I want a break, from fighting my mind and body, I want a break from just dealing with day to day adult life. Just even for a day. I need a break. But I can’t get one.

So whoever of my friends is reading this I do apologise for being a grumpy cunt. But I also hope you’ve taken in what I’ve actually said. It comes straight from the soul as does all my blogs..

Another birthday celebrated without my best friend…my daddy. Man I miss him so freaking much. I miss being able to call him up and bitch and moan about everything. I know he’d make the effort to come see me even though he lived far away. I knew my dad truly loved me. I miss him making me laugh to cheer me up. He’d do anything for me and he knew I was there just the same for him. I hope he is proud of me 😥 I miss him every second of every day. Sometimes I wish I was with him. But I know I have to live life for the both of us. He may have been my dad but he was my soul mate, we were so alike. He just understood and got me. No one else in the family I have that same bond with. I miss him so much.

Writing through tears again. But I gotta sort out pups, my pill box and dinner before I go out tonight. As I said I’m sorry for being a pain, but my soul is in pain.

Peace out

Batman

Stupid stairs!

I slept pretty well last night. I was up just after 9 am and didn’t feel drowsy. I think that was because I got an early night last night and didn’t need to sleep off my meds.

I had breakfast and watched a bit of tv. Got showered, got dressed and took the pups for a wee. And lil scrappy was a good boy and didn’t leg it lol. I dropped them back and I headed up to the hospital to get my bloods done. Didn’t have to wait about too long.

I got back and took the dogs out for another lil run about. The weathers been raining on and off all day, so didn’t want to go far with them. On the way back home did not go well 😦

Oh man, so I feel crap 😦 stupid lift broke AGAIN! The bloody thing keeps working on and off. So I walked up the stairs, scrappy tripped me up and fox was behind me. Not sure what happened, but I landed on my knees, luckily not squishing either pup, but I must of got fox in the face, as she started licking like crazy. Looked at her mouth and her two front teeth are wobbling and are a little bloody 😦 omg I cried. My poor girl was shaking away. I felt so so bad.

I got in and man I was sweating! What is with the warm weather. So I stripped off. Put a pj top on and made myself some lunch. Fox had some ham and cheese, so that made me feel a little better.

The poor thing hasn’t really stopped shaking 😦 so I rang the vet and they didn’t have any free appointments, but he said the teeth should firm back up and she’s probably in shock. So I’m just going to keep an eye on her the next few days. My poor baby girl.

I got a shower, I felt so gross. Had snuggles with my foxy girl, while I watched tv. She just sat on my lap for ages. Loved the snuggles, but hated that she’s still sad.

I watched Gotham, episode 1-4! OMG it was amazing! 😀 totally in love with it.

Lil miss fox hasn’t moved out of her bed all night. I gave her a bit more ham to cheer her up. She’s not drunk since earlier 😦 her teeth are still a bit wobbly. Just leaving her be.

Going to get us too bed soon. Gotta be up early to go get my flu shot! Joys! Hoping I won’t feel too poorly afterwards.

Hoping my money goes in tomorrow as well…The benefits have changed from incapacity benefit to esa, now on my letter it says from the 22nd Oct…but usually get paid a Sat and Tues..so I am hoping I won’t have to wait till Wednesday.. :/ Meh…I got like £15 to last me.

So yeah not a bad day, but still feeling bad for my poorly foxy baby ❤

Peace out

Batman