Gratitude Journal

Trying to remain grateful and trying to remain positive has been hard, but I’m still trying and I’m doing my best to keep going.

I have been doing a mantra meditation course on an app called Oak – Meditation and breathing. Its a really good app and its actually been nice to have moments of peace and restfulness during these meditations. I’ve been trying my best to make time each day. I don’t know why I find it so boring, just the thought of meditation makes me feel like its pointless and a waste of time, but right now I’m not doing much else right now and meditation is just like sleeping or breathing, its necessary to find that inner calm, that inner peace to get through the day.

I feel like there’s a lot of pressure to be super productive during this lockdown, which is adding unnecessary pressure, stress and anxiety, to an already stressful situation. I’m trying not to feel guilty about not doing anything and just sitting around. Some days I am productive and get things done but it ebbs and flows and I’m trying my best just to chill and go with it, without judgement and guilt.

Its a strange situation we find ourselves in, we’re all trying to navigate our way through it. There is no right way to get through this epidemic, some people will be super productive, some wont, some will get into fitness, some wont, some will be chill and cherish this time, some will really struggle. But whatever you do, however you get through this, we’ve got a worldwide connection, we’re all going through the same thing. We’ll get through this as a collective, keep loving and supporting one and other.

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 32 on T

Today would have been T shot day but the docs didn’t have any appointments, so I’m having it done bright and early Thursday morning lol, 8:30am! Urgh, that’s still the middle of the night!! This is why I wanted to do it myself, so I didn’t have to mess around with apps and I can do it on the exact day its due. Even though I know it can be done 5 days before or 7 days after its due, it still gives me anxiety that its not being done on the exact day its due! But I’m weird like that, silly things give me big anxiety. I suppose its about control, its something I need to let go of a bit more and not let little things stress me out so much. A lot of it is because I often don’t feel like I have any power or control, so little things cause big anxiety. Man I sound like a lil weirdo but whatever.

My weeks been busy but its been really good. I’ve finally got rid of my chest infection, it only took just over 3 weeks and I’ve finished my steroids too, which is a relief! Although its been messing up my mood a bit, been feeling a bit emotional today but I think that was a mixture of things. I feel fine now, I had a nice shower and did some EFT (emotional freedom technique) on myself and it made me feel a lot better, much calmer and less emotional then I was, which is always a good thing. I know there’s a calmness inside, I just don’t always feel it. So I’m going to try and tap out all the intense negative emotions as and when they come, hopefully it will help me regain some control and things wont get so intense and overwhelming.

For some reason this week I am super spotty on my chest, neck and back, although I’m pretty spotty in those areas already but these last couple of days, loads of extra bloody spots have popped up lol! Its sooo hard not to squeeze all the ones I can reach, gross I know lol. Some of them are quite sore but I can’t reach them to put any cream or anything on them. Not sure what its all about lol, I’m hoping they calm down as like I said some are really sore, I’ve got a few on my scalp as well, they are a bit itchy and sore too.

My voice is slowly getting there, I’ve noticed today its a bit deeper which is cool, I said something earlier and I was like woah! who said that!! made me chuckle to myself. My T levels are nearly right I think, I speak to my GP Thursday about my levels as my results from the last bloods said they were borderline, not sure what that means, so I’m assuming it means that they aren’t quite high enough. So they may need to tweak the frequency of the T shot again.

My gender dysphoria and disassociation has been mostly ok this week, I’ve been feeling quite relaxed and calm where my body is concerned. But I’ve spent this week looking after myself and my needs, rather then everything else that isn’t really important. Which just proves how much self care is essential to my well-being, its something I struggle to do regularly. It is so noticeable when I stop basic self care, everything just goes off the wall and unmanageable. I’ve been taking a lot of really hot showers and it really helps with the disassociation and I can take 15-20 mins to just be totally in the moment, breathe and relax. It really works for me at the moment, it may not always work and may not work for others but at the moment its working, which is the main thing.

Well its gone midnight now and I better get to bed and I have my friends kids over again tonight and I’ll probably be up around 8:30 am, my mind is pretty awake so I need to wind down a bit before I can go to sleep

 

 

Week 32 on T.JPG

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 29 on T

This week I have some big news! But before I talk about that I’ll talk about other stuff that’s transition related.

This morning I had a blood test to check my testosterone levels, this is the trough which means that my testosterone levels will be at their lowest. I then had my testosterone injection done, which went well. Next Tuesday I have another blood test which will be the peak of my testosterone levels and from that they can work out if my levels are too low or high enough. I’m still not convinced that my levels will be high enough but I’ll find out next week.

Again no massive physical changes going on, other then my hair on my face, chest and stomach is getting darker which is really cool. I’ve still not had the confidence to start shaving yet but I’m in no rush. Voice is definitely starting to change, it sounds more noticeable to me now, so that’s pretty cool and others are starting to notice it too.

The gender dysphoria hasn’t been too bad over the last few days, that’s mainly because my mood has lifted a bit, which makes everything a lot easier to deal with. I feel like I’ve got a bit more positive energy going on. I felt a real energy shift on Saturday and I’ve been feeling really calm and peaceful, it feels so nice.

I’m ill yet again at the moment, I have a chest infection so I have more antibiotics and a higher dose of steroids. Hopefully it will kick it soon, I’ve had a high temperature, I ache so much and my chest has been really sore. I’m anticipating a bit of insomnia though being on 35mgs of steroids, hopefully it wont be too bad.

So the big news! which I have left till last on purpose. 9 years ago before I even realised I was trans, I changed my name to Dyllan. I wanted to change my name as I’d always hated my birth name, it never felt right, it never felt like it was me at all. I always felt disconnected from my birth name. I purposely picked Dyllan as its the unisex was of spelling it and I was so sure I wanted a unisex name, but I couldn’t tell you why I wanted a unisex name, I just did. Now it all makes sense as to the why I did what I did.

Recently I have been thinking a lot about my name and how I want to change it to a masculine name, rather then have a unisex name. Since starting testosterone and having physical changes to my body, I’ve been wanting to move away from everything associated with pre-transition. So I have decided to change my name to Zak, its a name that I’ve always loved and it was the name I really thought about a lot when I changed my name to Dyllan. My middle nephew Leo’s middle name is Zack, so it’s cool we’ll have that little connection.

I told my bro and sister in law the other day and they’re both happy about it. My bro said oh well least I can spell that! lol!!! and I’ve told all my friends and had a good response from everyone which is really awesome. I ordered my deed poll yesterday morning, I’m super excited and it shouldn’t take too long to sort out.

The only people I’ve not told yet is my mum and grandparents… But mother is never happy with anything I do in my life, so I know she won’t be happy. I’m not sure how my grandparents will react. But I’m already anticipating a negative response but in all honesty their opinion really means nothing to me. We have no emotional connection, yes we are family but they’re like strangers to me.

Anyway I’m super happy with my new name, it feels so good and feels really right. It feels like the natural progression of my transition, the next step. I feel really content and peaceful and I’ve not felt like that in a few weeks, so its a nice relief.

That’s all for now πŸ™‚

Week 29 on T

^ This weeks picture

Week 29 on T comparison pic

^ Can’t believe how different I look! so awesome

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 21 on T

I’m writing this a day late this week, as yesterday I was having a bit of a hissy fit. So I ended up just sleeping and binge watching stuff on Netflix all day. I totally needed it and felt much better for it, the two previous nights I’d not slept well at all and I think it all finally caught up with me.

The reason I was having a bit of a moment was because at the weekend I had fraud on my card…again! For the 3rd time in about 3 years, its such an inconvenience being without a card. Also for some reason I had it in my head that I was getting paid this week… But I didn’t because I wasn’t due to get paid until next week URGH! I don’t know what happened, or how it happened but I totally mismanaged my money and was left with Β£8 for a week. I was totally kicking myself and I was so fucking angry with myself, I could not believe I fucked up so baldy. Some of my lovely friends though offered me money which was so sweet of them, but after much agonising I rang my grandparents and asked them for some money, which felt horrible! I hate asking for help and money especially from family. But thankfully they gave me Β£80, unfortunately Β£60 of that went straight into the bank for bills… and I’ve already spent the rest on food. But luckily I’m still owed a bit of money from a friend and my mum, so I won’t be totally skint.

So to say I was stressed was an understatement, I just couldn’t get over how I fucked up so bad. I ended up just sleeping on and off all day long, but I totally needed and I feel loads better today.

Anyway back to the transition stuff, I have noticed that the hair on my thighs have finally started growing and looking darker which is cool, the rest of my legs look like a forest and my armpits too, I’m so chuffed.

Yesterday I had my peak blood test for my testosterone levels and I should get my results tomorrow, which will tell me how often I will need to do my injections.

For a few days after my injection last week my appetite increased but that’s settled down now thankfully and from Fri-Mon my mood and energy was way up which felt good! Feeling a bit more settled and chill today and a bit more grounded.

Week 21 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

That’s all for this week,

Peace out

Dyllan

Feeling the energies of the earth – My Spiritual journey

I am so lucky to live to close to the sea, I feel so at home there and so grounded when I’m by the sea.

Yesterday evening I took the dogs out for a walk, I wasn’t intending to be out for long but we ended up being out for 4 hours. We met a lovely couple and ended up sitting and talking with them for ages, we sat and watched the sun go down. Even though I didn’t know these ladies it was as though we’d all known each other forever.

Sitting by the sea watching the sun go down was so beautiful, I felt so peaceful and calm and just at one with the world. It’s not something I’ve felt for a while, it felt so good just to sit and be. Also the only time I picked up my phone was to take pictures of the sunset, because I was sat chatting with these ladies, I didn’t need to look at my phone and constantly check my social media. It was just what I needed to switch off for a while, I really need to do it more often. I will make it a habit and apart of my daily routine.

Last night was good because I almost felt like I’d been reset, refreshed. I feel like I can take on anything again, I feel like myself again. It feels good.

Today my best friend and I took the dogs down to the water again, which was really nice. Because it was hot I wanted to put fox in the sea to cool her down, she doesn’t like swimming whereas Scrappy just dives straight into the sea. I took my shoes and socks off and walked into the sea with fox in my arms, I went in up to my knees so fox got completely wet and she even had to swim back into shore bless her. I got her little head wet as well, she was not best impressed but it stopped her panting.

I paddled about in the water for a bit, playing fetch with Mr Scrappy. He was going in so far having a good swim, he absolutely loves the sea.

The sea wasn’t cold it felt just right and I could feel all the stones under my feet, usually they hurt my feet but today they didn’t. All I felt was peace and calmness, I felt the energies of the earth flowing the me from my feet upwards and it was bursting out of my head. It felt so good and when we walked around to find a bit of shade I decided to carry on walking around barefoot.

Walking along the path was a tad hot on the bottoms of my feet and I didn’t feel the energies as strong. Once we got onto the grass I could feel all the earths energies again and I felt the same, peaceful, calm and just in the moment. I’m definitely going to walk outside barefoot more often, to be more in touch with earth and myself.

I feel good, I’ve not felt like this for a long time. It’s partly down to starting testosterone (see previous blog post) but its also down to walking this spiritual path I’m on. Sometimes I wonder off the path a bit and that’s ok as sometimes life gets in the way a bit. I manage to come back onto the right path and walk towards the light and what feels right.

Here are some pictures from last night and today’s walk by the sea

 

I’m loving my spiritual journey, I’m learning more about myself, others and the world around me. I’m learning where I fit in and how I can Β be of service to the world.

I better get some sleep as its pushing midnight here in the UK.

Peace out

Batman

First appointment at the GIC

A week ago yesterday I went up to London Hammersmith and had my first appointment at the Gender Identity Clinic.

I’m only writing now because I’ve not really had the concentration to sit and write. For a few days after I was buzzing! Then I was struggling with being really restless. But today I’ve made myself stop and slow down and relax.

Right so back to the GIC appointment.

My friend picked up my dogs on the Wednesday night and I wasn’t too anxious about them going.

I slept really well Wednesday night, for the first time in days, which was so odd. I had a really relaxing, calm morning just getting myself ready and off to the coach station.

The coach trip up was good, it was a fairly full coach and I got a seat by myself and the plug worked so I could top up the charge on my phone. I couldn’t stop smiling for the whole trip! lol

When I got to London I had some time to kill, so I walked and found a cafe to sit in, so I had a drink and some lunch. I sat in there for about an hour but as I didn’t buy anything else and it was getting busy I decided to go for a walk.

On my walk I found a park, so I sat on the bench in the shade as it was so so hot up there. I was still feeling, calm and relaxed, not a hint of anxiety in me which felt weird but good.

The time came to walk down to the GIC, to the random brown door in the wall and to press the buzzer. I was super exited! I strolled up to the door, pressed the buzzer and said I have an appointment and I got buzzed it! WOOHOO! the first day of the rest of my life is about to happen!

The appointment itself went amazing, I was in there and just answered all sorts of questions, I wasn’t embarrassed or anything. I felt so confident and calm and yeah I felt more like myself then I’ve ever done before and it felt good. It just felt amazing to know that this is the first step to having a body that reflects how I feel inside.

After I booked my next app which is April but maybe sooner as I’m on the cancellation list! πŸ˜€ eeep! and this appointment is for a second opinion for Testosterone and I cannot express how excited I am for that! πŸ˜€

Then I had to go get my bloods done and I got lost on the way in and on the way out lol! They took loads too! Good job I’m used to getting my bloods done lol.

Had more time to kill for the coach back but I was so happy I didn’t care!

Coach was late but again I was so happy I wasn’t bothered.

Coach back was absolutely fine, I text everyone about how it went and everyone was really happy too. I just smiled all the way home.

Got picked up at the coach station by my friend and my pups πŸ˜€

I couldn’t sleep straight away I was too hyped up!

It was an awesome appointment and a massive mood boost!

Peace out

Batman

Don’t listen to that little dark voice.

A lot has changed in 3 days, a good kind of change though. I’m feeling much better then I did when I last posted on Wednesday. I am much more articulate now and I am able to write a decent sentence…Well I hope so anyway.

On Thursday I wasn’t going to go to my LGBT mental health group, I just didn’t want to go. The little dark voice was whispering in my ear saying “don’t go” “you’ll have a better day at home” “you don’t need that group anyway” etc you get the picture, the depression whispering lies into my ear constantly, trying to keep me at home, keeping me away from people, keeping me from helping myself to push through and feel better. Because the dark voice disappears if I ignore him, so he shouts as loud as he can for as long as he can, until the little ray of light starts talking sense, telling me that there is hope and I will feel better again.

That little ray of light gets louder and stronger the more I pushed on with my day. He got a little louder after I had my breakfast, a little louder still after having a shower and getting dressed. The dark voice was shouting too both in equal measure, my head was so loud but I knew what path I had to follow. I carried on and took the dogs out for a walk, I kept having to sit down as the dark voice was making my body feel so heavy and weak but I pushed through. By this point both voices were raging at each other, I was just listening to them both, both made good points. But ultimately listening to the dark voice would mean just perpetuating the liar that is depression, he would win, the only way I was going to feel better is if I listened to the light voice and went to group.

So I managed to get my stuff together, it took every fibre of my being to do this. As I walked out the front door, locking it behind me, the dark voice realised he’s lost. So he went back to whispering softly in my ear, whispering things like “you won’t have a good day” “you’re stupid” etc… :/

By the time I got on the bus, my head was fairly quite again and my whole being felt so exhausted. I kept falling asleep on the bus trip and very nearly missed my stop but I suddenly realised where I was and pressed the button to get off.

Group itself was good, I don’t remember what we did but I think that’s because it was such a huge battle to just get there, I struggled to be present. But I was there, I stayed, I participated as much as I could and I felt better as a result.

I still didn’t feel 100% better but I felt more myself for going out. I had a good evening, I made myself dinner, played with the pups while waiting for my food shopping, snacked on a peanut butter and syrup sandwich and went to bed.

Friday I went to the Weymouth LGBT mental health group and again it was a bit of a battle to get up and ready, but the struggle wasn’t nearly as bad as the day before. So it just goes to show that my mood was on the way back to normality again.

As always the journey there and back was good and the session itself was good. I think I’ve been going to that group for about a year now, which is cool and makes me proud πŸ™‚

Got home from group about 6pm, I was so tired but I took the pups out for a quick wee and run. When we got back in I stripped off, my binder was hurting so off that came, jeans came off and were replaced by joggy bottoms, although if it was warmer I would just be walking about in boxers and top…but its still too cold for that unfortunately.

I had no energy or motivation to do anything, so I flopped onto the sofa, narrowly missing Harley and Foxy who were both on the sofa, waiting for attention. I reclined both sides of the sofa and I was soon surrounded by all four of my fur babies, I didn’t however appreciate scrappy standing on my back because he’s so freaking heavy! It was nice though, I spent about an hour just laying in silence, with my babies all round me.

Managed to muster up the energy to make myself some dinner which was nice. I just spent the evening watching tv and chatting to friends online.

Today the sun was out and it was like a cool spring day, its been so nice. Before I could go and enjoy the sunshine, I did the housework as its been a bit neglected this week due to my low mood . I felt better for doing it and the place no longer smelt of stinky cat litter, which isn’t a good smell.

I got myself together and I took the dogs for a walk and we went on the longer route. I thought it a bit ambitious of me to walk the long way and it worked out that yeah it was a bit ambitious. I kept having to sit down and resting along the way, but that was ok as I got to just sit in be in the moment.

Once again when I got in, I stripped off the chest binder and my jeans and adopted the much more comfortable joggy bottoms and I rested for a bit with my babies.

I started my dinner early as its quite a time consuming dish and didn’t want to eat too late in the night. I made myself a chicken and leek pie and it was very nice if I do say so myself. I did the washing up as I went along so it wasn’t overwhelming.

I have spent my evening playing with the animals and listening to music. Which makes a change from having the TV on all night and its been a nice change.

Recently I’ve been conscious about the amount of time I spend on my phone, laptop, ps3 and watching tv and I know that it doesn’t always have a good effect on me. So I’ve been switching off my mobile phone, not going on the laptop every night, now watching tv every day. I’ve been mixing up my routine a bit more, cuz before I would watch certain things in the day, then spend all evening with the TV on and my laptop on.

I like people not texting and talking to me all day long, sometimes I just turn my phone off and sit and play with the dogs, or do some colouring or whatever. Not having to be plugged in 24/7 is very freeing, just to sit and be in the moment and to be in whatever is going on around me is nice. It means I’m not missing out on spending quality time with friends or the animals, I’m not missing out on moments because I am not being sucked into my phone. I am learning more and more how to just be and it is difficult but I have found that if one of my senses is being occupied then I can be in the moment, being still and quiet.

I know people worry when I don’t text straight back or whatever but they don’t need to worry because I am ok, I’m just going back to basics.

So after sitting here for about 3 hours writing, well not solidly I may add, how do I feel? I feel calm, happy and connected with myself. I feel hopeful and excited to see L tomorrow for her birthday πŸ™‚

My life is by far simple but I somehow get myself through it, I will drag myself through this life kicking and screaming until the very end! I will not give up, that dark voice will NEVER win the war.

That is all for now, as my heads starting to hurt from looking at the screen. Glad I took the time to update this though, as its been a while and I always feel better for getting it all out and hopefully I will sleep peacefully tonight.

Peace out

Batman

Chill day

I am feeling nice and relaxed and for once not in absolute agony!

I’ve had a really nice day to myself, which I so needed. Can’t remember when the last time I had the whole day to myself was.

Took some time to catch up on sleep, which was so needed and I actually feel like I’ve slept as well.

Chilled out playing with the pups, watching tv. Went to the shop and got a few bits. Took the pups for a wee.

I bought myself some deep heat to help loosen up the muscles in my arm, because the muscles are really tight and I really need to get my arm moving more. I used it on my hips, lower back and legs because my muscles are really tight due to my metoject injection. OMG I am in LOVE with the deep heat, like totally and utterly! My arm feels a bit better and my legs feel sooooo much better too! Much less tight and painful for the first time in months and I really love the feeling of the cream too, I can see myself becoming obsessed with it lol.

Just been relaxing all afternoon watching Friends, putting Lego together and just chilling. Made myself spaghetti bolognese for dinner, which was a bit tricky to cook with my bad arm but I managed ok.

After dinner I had a shower and covered myself in deep heat, which felt so so good and I took the pups out for a walk, as they needed to get out for a bit, as did I.

Just been relaxing this evening, I am feeling so much better then I have been. Much less irritable and agitated and more calm.

No plans for from tomorrow, so may just relax again.

That’s it for now really,

Peace out

Batman

Peace :)

I’m feeling really good, really calm and settled and well just good. It’s a weird feeling and I don’t think I’ve ever had this feeling for any amount of time, so it’s new territory but something I am going to hold on to and just be comfortable with. Also want to share my happiness too by doing good deeds to other which I have been. Like the other day I gave up my seat to an old guy while we were waiting for a bus, I’ve just been doing small things, even just smiling at someone in the street can make someone’s day. I’m all about peace, love and happiness at the moment, being kind doesn’t cost a thing! Anyway just wanted to start with that and to say share the love even if its a small gesture it can really make someone else happy and that will in turn make you feel good too.

I slept well last night, took a while too get off to sleep. Even though I lost an hour because of the clocks going forward I woke up at 8:30 am.

Woke up feeling so achy and the weather outside was MISERABLE! Welcome to the first day of spring…typical lol! I had some hot cross buns and pancakes with maple syrup for breakfast πŸ™‚ it was so yum.

I snuggled up in the sofa with my blanket and my babies and watched tv, had a cheeky nap for an hour too πŸ™‚

I had my lil Leo for a few hours which was nice. He was hard work though really grizzly because he’s teething. But was nice to have him.

Afterwards I got myself showered and dressed, actually put proper clothes on today, jeans and a t-shirt. Waited for the mothership to pick me up. We went into town as she wanted to get a few bits because she’s moving in with her new bf tomorrow. I said to her that I’ve changed my title to Mr….I didn’t get a response…. And the whole time she kept calling me my birth name…I kept correcting her! but fell of deaf ears. But ya know what I know who I am and I’m so happy now and if she can’t see that then whatever this is on her. Not my issue.

She dropped me home and I got in and my puppies where all happy to see me πŸ™‚ I took the across the road for a run and play about for a bit.

Put on a film, Girl Interrupted! Top film! Put my dinner on, did the washing up. I had sausage and mash, only ate the mash though. Didn’t really feel hungry :/ but I needed to eat. I just have no appetite at the moment, not for a meal anyway. I’ve just been picking through out the day.

Just been watching films this evening and chatting to friends on fb. Over all its been a good day πŸ™‚ and I’m feeling good.

I have my psych tomorrow morning, so I am going to make the effort to get an early night. Going to ask that once I am off the quetiapine completely which will be in 25 days that he see me once a month for a few months to make sure I am doing ok, also going to talk about transitioning too, he should have got the letter from my gp about me asking for the referral to the gender clinic. Hopefully that will go well, my appointments always makes me a bit anxious.

That’s it for now.

Peace out

Batman

Feeling calmer

I was in bed by 1 am last night. Despite the lowered dose of quetiapine I got to sleep quite quickly, but I was doing some mindfulness to relax myself.

Was up early, even though I felt really tired my body wasn’t. I did try and nap before getting ready but I couldn’t. Hate when I feel like that. So I got showered and dressed, took the pups for a run and wee.

Went up to the hospital to my hand appointment…Why why why do receptionists give you directions really quickly!? I find it hard to follow instructions let alone when they are just blurted out at me, then I end up looking stupid cuz I’ve asked her twice to repeat what she said and still get confused and end up just standing looking lost! Lol stupid people! But the app was ok though, got a splint to stop that finger hyper extending again and I’ve got some exercises to do to get it moving again. Got an app in 2 and a half weeks. After that I went and had my bloods done and that was all fine, it was a nurse that’s seen me before so we had a good lil chat πŸ™‚

On my way home I paid my rent and got electric and treated myself to some chocolate πŸ™‚

Got home to very happy puppies πŸ™‚ I snuggled on the sofa with them, had something to eat and fell asleep for a bit as I was so shattered.

Got up, nipped out to the shop as I needed to get my friend bday present and a few other bits. When I got in I put the shopping away and sorted myself out to take the pups to their vets app.

Pups have been to the vets for a check up and flea treatmentΒ both are happy and healthy. Scrappy has put on more weight and I’d 5.6kg, foxy has lost a little weight, but hers is always up and down. So pleased they are doing so well πŸ™‚

Just relaxing right now, off out very soon to see my best friend and her bf for his birthday. Not seen them in AGES! So can’t wait.

Mentally I am feeling a little better today, bit calmer and that. Mindfulness is SO great. Physically yeah ok, same really.

Some pictures πŸ™‚

 ❀

Peace out

Batman