Time for some self care

Recently I’ve been busy doing things and making sure everyone is doing ok, but I’ve neglected myself a bit. I haven’t really done things to make myself happy, I haven’t spent much time alone, doing my own things. Don’t get me wrong I love looking after my friends but if I’m not feeling 100% then how can I help anyone else.

On Friday when I got back from my volunteer work, I chilled out with my beautiful fur babies and I spent an hour or so across the road playing with the pups and some of their doggy friends which was nice. I spent some time gaming too, I’d not gamed properly for a while so it was cool to get lost in the worlds of Lego Dimensions. I can’t remember what else I did but I didn’t get to bed until nearly 2am.

Yesterday I pretty much just slept all day and man it was so good! I so needed it. I felt so calm and relaxed, just totally chilled out. I had my nephew for an hour or so, we took the pups for a run around and we had fun messing around. I spent all evening just relaxing too and like I said I just so needed it. I’ve not felt this relaxed in a while, bliss.

Today I woke up about 9 am and it took a few hours to get myself together lol, I did the housework, changed the bedsheets, I’ve still got a few loads of washing to do. It’s been too hot to walk the dogs, so we’ve just been relaxing, having cuddles and playing around. Today has been pretty productive but still really relaxing and I do feel so much better for taking a few days just to do nothing and look after myself.

I love being around people and doing things, making memories and helping anyone who needs my help but I do tend to forget to look after myself. I think its good to have some down time, whether it be a morning, a day or a few days. Time to look after yourself and your needs is so important because you cannot rely on another person to fulfil all your needs.

My favourite things to do to look after myself are, sleep or rest, spend time with my fur babies, spending time by the sea with my pups, watching films, putting lego sets together, eating my favourite food and drink, reading, mindfulness. That’s just a few of them

Self care is super important and its not at all selfish, sometimes its ok to say no and go off grid for a bit, sometimes its necessary to do that.

Anyway that’s enough of me rambling on about self care, I don’t have much planned for tomorrow. Its a bank holiday weekend here and in the UK so I’m sure they’ll be stuff happening somewhere. Its meant to be really hot again so I probably won’t walk the dogs until the evening when its cooled down.

Peace out

Batman

Forever waiting – Massive catch up

Again it’s been just over a month since I last wrote anything about my exciting life lol, I’ve been struggling to write at the moment because my life is in a bit of a limbo and the benefits saga seems to be over shadowing everything else and the other stuff seems to be a lot of inconvenient bullshit, that occurs on a regular basis it seems at the moment. But like I said the benefits saga is the main concern and looks like it will be that way for another 3 months.

Whilst I am on the subject of benefits I may as well do a proper update of this ridiculous situation. So in my last post I said that the courts had gotten the appeal with all the information I sent and they were waiting to hear from the Department of Work and Pensions. It’s now 5 weeks later and I rang the courts up last week to see what was going on and they said it can take up to 12-17 weeks for a court date and I am on week 5, so I’ve possibly got to wait another 12 weeks or 3 months which makes it sound longer, just for a court date. September should be when I get a date but fuck knows when the date will be for, probably for 3 months after that, by September it will be 7 months since my money stopped but it all started back last September, when I got the form to fill out, December I had my face to face assessment, January they said no, February I did the mandatory reconsideration, last month I appealed that… and here I am yet again waiting. If I get a court date by September then it will be a year since this whole thing started and to be honest I’m surprised I’ve got through without self harming because it has been incredibly stressful, soul destroying and just utterly horrific. Having to do the appeals and write down all the things I cannot do or that I struggle to do, it has totally destroyed any confidence or self esteem I had about myself and has knocked me to the floor and I’ve been struggling to pick myself back up again. When I read the statistics about the people who have killed themselves because they’ve been deemed fit to work and are no longer entitled to disability benefits, I totally fucking understand why! I totally get it! I have felt so close to the edge and I’ve wanted to end it all several fucking times because I felt like I could just not do this any more. It does make you question the fact of well am I fit to work? Am I really this ill? Is it all just in my head? Even though the rational part of you knows you are ill and you are entitled to the benefits. It’s horrible questioning you’re entire life, whilst having to prove it to others who simply have no fucking clue. Right now this isn’t living it’s existing and everyone is entitled to a decent quality of life. I’m lucky that I have a few good friends who’ve helped me out with money, emotional support, love and just everything a great friendship is made of and I’m lucky to live in such a beautiful place, where I can sit by the water with my dogs just a stones throw from my house.

That nicely brings me onto the rest of my life and what I’ve been up too. I don’t feel like I’ve done a lot really and that’s mainly because everything I do something I have to then spend time recovering from it, which is frustrating to say the least because someone of my age shouldn’t have to rest and recover from activities that most people do without thinking. I’ve spent a lot of time with L and the boys either being here at mine or being at their place and as always its a good laugh but so exhausting, I honestly don’t know how she does it with all her problems too, big respect to her. L dyed my Mohawk blue πŸ˜€ and yeah it looks so awesome! I’ve also been regularly going to my groups and counselling, which at times has been hard because I have been so unmotivated and just so low but I’ve pushed myself through it all. Like I previously said I live a stones throw away from the sea and its such a beautiful place, when the weather is nice I could just stay out there forever. I’ve just been trying to maintain some sort of normality, which includes the odd treat for myself and the animals, its been the very rare occasion but I think we all to often forget the power of treating/pampering yourself has, whether it be ice cream, a facial, a holiday or a Lego set. Treating yourself isn’t something you should be ashamed of or guilty about, because lets face it no matter what walk of life you are from, life gets fucking hard and whoever you are, you should have enough self respect to say YES I deserve this. Yes I am on benefits but does it mean I am less worthy to treat myself then someone who works hard for their money? No! that’s what the media wants you to think with all there shit fucking shows about a small minority of people on benefits and they do not at all represent people like me, who have a well documented and real health condition that effects my daily life because they don’t want you to know about genuine people like myself, they have their own agenda and they just demonise everyone on benefits, which if you haven’t already guessed really grinds my fucking gears. Anyway that was off on a bit of a rant lol so back to what I was talking about, so yes I have continued to treat myself, obviously not as much as I did before as I’ve just not had the money but it has been an important part of keeping me going and keeping me sane. I’ve also taken a lot of time over the past month to just be by myself and not talking to anyone and that’s also been a vital part of getting through all this. Overall the last month has been good but the really low darkness is always there in the background, I’m just working really hard not to let it overpower me on a daily basis and I don’t think people appreciate just how hard it is, to battle with your own mind every second of every day, its exhausting. I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve been really low and struggling and I still feel low and I am still struggling and in all honestly without my lovely friends, my groups and counselling I probably wouldn’t be here right now. Besides I do not want to die as the person that isn’t my true self, I need to go through my journey to be the real me.

Moving on to my physical health, which as usual has been a bundle of fun…NOT! Where to start… I suppose I’ll start with my transition stuff as that is fairly straight forward because I am still waiting for my first appointment. But I am going to send them a letter with my new NHS number and ask if they know roughly when I should be hearing about my first appointment. To be honest right now I’m happy to be waiting for this for a few reasons, even though I’m desperate to get on my journey, I have other things in my life that need to be sorted before hand, ie money and meds, so its not really high on my list even though I want it so bad. Sometimes wants and needs differ and needs are more important. Last time I wrote about my knee and trying anti-inflammatory’s, I tried two and neither helped so two weeks ago today I had a steroid injection right into the joint and it has helped to a degree but it still keeps swelling up and hurting, it’s not as bad but still its not great. Also two weeks ago I started Gabapentin which is a anti-epileptic which is also used as pain relief. It seems to be working well along side my Tramadol but I am slowly lowering the Tramadol as my body is addicted to it and I want to see how well the Gabapentin works by itself. The other reason I want to come off the Tramadol is because I will need strong opiate based drugs after the surgeries I have throughout my transition. So I need to detox off it and hopefully when I need it in the future it will be more effective then it is right now. Oh my appetite is great since starting the Gabapentin, it has the same weight gaining effect as Quetiapine and I’ve put on 5lbs in two weeks. It does seem to be slowing down now and I’m not nearly as hungry as last week, I just couldn’t stop eating lol! I am being mindful of what and how much I am eating but it is hard. But to be honest I’m just glad I’m eating and its not a stressful thing. I’ve spoken to my GP about what’s happening with my referral to Southampton hospital and it’s basically down to my gender change…DO’H! So because I’ve changed my gender and title I effectively have become a whole new person, which is true but what happens is that all your medical history is deleted from the doctors system and your are put back on as a new patient, so what they are currently trying to do is get hold of the hard copy of my medical records in order to send to Southampton as they need to know everything before they see me. I certainly don’t remember everything that’s happened to me medically in the last 31 years because well its been loads lol. But yeah I’ve been assured that the practice manager is on it, I feel better now I know what’s happening but it is another thing that I am in limbo with. I swear I spend most of my time waiting for shit to get sorted out lol! Other then that not much has changed, still struggling with fatigue and not sleeping well but it is what it is, I wake up a few times a night sometimes and I just get up have a drink or a wee and sometimes I go straight back to sleep but sometimes I have to get up for a hour or so. I’m not stressing about this because my insomnia or painsomnia issues have been going on for so long now and I’ve tried everything to help me sleep through the night but its clearly not meant to be. I’m on long term Doxycycline at the moment so I’ve not caught any colds, although I have a bit of a chesty cough at the moment but that’s probably down to my sinus gunk dripping down to my chest, which ironically the Doxycycline is meant to help with…I feel its not working lol, my ENT app isn’t until next month so not much I can do or my GP can do right now.

Wow that’s a lot of stuff about me aha! I shall end on a update of my 4 four babies, who are all just in perfect health and are all amazing and are all helping me get through the darkest times and I am totally in love with them ❀

Ooh also here’s a few pics of us all

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^^ yeah boi I am πŸ˜€ haha

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^^ Me and Harvey on his 9th Birthday last week ❀

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^^ Me and my boo boo ❀

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^^ Harley doing a bit of yoga lol

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^^Marley moo

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^^ Mr Scrappy doodle

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^^ My beautiful Foxy girl

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^^ I love this place

Right that’s all from this boi, its taken me hours to write this, its very therapeutic though and I do feel calm and grounded.

Peace out Batman

 

 

Am I losing it? – Update on my life

It has been another 7 days since I last posted on here, mainly because my mood has been really low and I’ve not had the motivation to do anything and a bit because my situation hasn’t really changed much and I’m so fed up.

So what has been happening in my life in the past 7 days.. Not much lol, mostly because like I said I’ve been depressed and I’ve isolated myself. I tried to go to the group social on Thursday afternoon but it was just way too much and I could only stay for an hour, it was just too overwhelming. I think the fact I had meditated before I went was a factor as while it is good, it can also have a negative effect.

I found this picture and it really spoke to me, I love it and look at it every day.

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It made me think about my current situation and yes while it is very stressful and I am struggling to pay my bills etc. I can still have a good day, I can still do things that will make me happy and I’ve been trying to do that by making sure the housework and laundry is all done, making sure me and my fur babies have what we need and by making sure I don’t isolate myself too much, which is hard when I don’t have much money but a day out doesn’t need to cost much. So yeah I am trying to make the most out of a bad situation but I am also allowing myself to feel depressed, stressed and overwhelmed, I’m just not letting my emotions rule my day.

I saw my GP last week and he said I have fluid on my knee, so he gave me more anti-inflammatory meds to try. So far they haven’t helped too much but I shall see how it goes and if it still hurts then he will give me a steroid injection into my knee joint :/ ouch! I also asked about changing to Gabapentin for my pain as the tramadol isn’t working so much any more.

A big thing happened this week and that was I left a site that I have used for 6 Β years, I won’t name it but its for people with physical and mental health issues and for carers of people with physical and mental health issues. It has been a huge part of my life and it has been helpful but I felt I no longer have anything left to give the members of that community as most of them just want to be validation and don’t want to recover and some members are down right toxic and I will no longer tolerate people who make me out to be the bad person and I will not tolerate people manipulating me to feel bad for them and that site has one or two people like that. I feel I am on a different path now and I no longer need that sort of thing in my life, I am trying to get away from toxic people. It does feel weird as it was a big part of my life for so long and I am feeling a bit anxious about it but I know it’s for the best.

Update on benefits stuff – I got a letter to say the courts have my information I sent and now they are waiting for the Department of Work and Pensions to get back to them and then I will be sent a court date. I just want it over so bad, I am SO close to it being over, I just gotta hold on a little longer. People keep telling me I’m doing great but I feel like I am losing control and just totally losing my shit, I’m desperately trying to keep it together but its so freaking hard!

My appetite has gone again, what a fucking surprise lol. So I’ve just been grazing on whatever I fancy and I’m trying not to put so much pressure on myself. The belief is that I have to eat 3 proper meals a day, but is that really fact? Do I really have too? No I don’t because I’m an adult and I cannot force my body to do something it doesn’t want too do and it doesn’t want to eat regular meals. I think because all my life I have been forced to eat 3 meals a day and always been told that is what I need to do etc and its a hard to break that thought pattern.

But yeah I have lots of stuff to work through as usual and its hard man, like so hard! I think I need to possibly seek help for the PTSD due to my physical health diagnosis at a young age, I think its really causing me a lot of issues right now, with my mood and just stuff. I can’t explain it.

Feeling a little relaxed for having wrote this, although I feel really disconnected so I’m not sure if that shows in who I write this but yeah.

My Mr Scrappy Doodles is 2 years old today πŸ™‚ We took the bus to the park, it was so nice out, the sun was out and it was lovely and warm. Scrappy had lots of fun swimming in the sea and playing fetch and Foxy just followed us around peeing on everything lol.

Here are some pics from today

Peace out

Batman

Waiting is the worst part

It’s only been 5 days since I last posted but it feels much longer as I’ve been quite busy, mainly getting my PIP stuff sorted but I’ve also been doing nice things too, to break up the monotony of the PIP stuff.

I’ll follow on from my last post,

Mr Scrappy doodles continues to be in good health and he turns 2 next week, which has gone so fast. Foxy, Marley and Harley are also doing great and Harley has a birthday next week as well and she will be 1 years old. Its gone insanely fast.

Medical stuff – My whole knee is swollen, so is my ankle and my hip feels like its swollen too, so yeah my whole leg. The naproxen didn’t help at all, it just caused me a huge bruise on the back of my thigh. So I booked another appointment to see my GP and its this Friday…really early in the morning :/ But whatever my leg is really hurting and nothing is helping.

I have my CT scan next week which is cool but my follow up app with my ENT isn’t until July.. So I may try and see if I can bring it forward.

Disability Benefits stuff – With the help of a good friend to get stuff all printed out and another person who checked over my appeal. It all finally came together, yesterday I checked it over like 3 times to make sure everything wasn’t missing and it was all in order. I posted it special delivery which cost Β£7.10 but it ensured its safety to get there and they cannot say they didn’t receive it in time.

I’m glad its all done but now I’ve got to wait, which is almost as stressful. I so hope they re-think the tribunal, I can’t go through that, I just don’t have the energy for it. This process alone has taken everything from me, I have nothing left.

I’m feeling a bit lost at the moment because the process of writing my appeal has brought up so many feelings, the main feeling being anger and the fact that I’ve not dealt with the PTSD caused by my physical health illness and I don’t know where to start. It’s all been very traumatic and something no one should have to go through.

How do I feel right now? I don’t know, I think I feel sad, I suppose you could say depressed. I just don’t feel connected with myself, I’m not grounded, I’m just exhausted in every sense of the word. Tonight I will meditate, I will try and relax a bit more.

I’ll end this now as my brain has switched itself off.

Peace out

Batman

I am still a work in process – update on life.

WOW so it has been a long old few weeks since I last posted and a lot has happened.

First of all I would like to say that I cannot believe I have kept my shit together, despite all the trials and tribulations I have been through recently. If this was to happen to me say 4-5 years ago then I would have lost my shit ages ago and I would have self harmed A LOT! But I have kept as calm as I could and I’ve not self harmed at all, which proves to me that I’ve grown and that I do not fit the BPD diagnosis any longer.

Um so where to start….

So Scrappy had another trip to the vets last week as he was still poorly but not as bad as his first trip to the vets, so he was given something to balance all the good bacteria in his stomach and it worked really well and he was back to his usual self in no time at all. The vet suggested he be muzzled when he’s out to prevent him from eating shit he’s not meant too. My friend took us to get him a muzzle and it will be ok for now but he can get it off but hopefully he’ll get used to it. All my other fur babies are absolutely fine πŸ™‚

Medical stuff – I saw my new ENT doc and he was ok, he has ordered me a CT scan of my sinuses to see where we go from there and antibiotics until we know what the next step is. He also did me a letter for my PIP.

I also saw my GP and he is doing my referral to Dr Edwards in Southampton hospital! woohoo! FINALLY! He also gave me some naproxen for me knees as they keep swelling up and are really painful.

Disability benefits stuff – So I have been working really hard on writing my appeal as the Personal Independent Payment people have refused my mandatory reconsideration, I feel I was penalised because it was in late, which was not in my control as I had a charity helping me and it was their responsibility, I have since had an apology from the charity but I am still planning on making a official complaint about it. But anyway the appeal has been written and amended by someone who knows what the requirements are etc and its absolutely spot on. It’s all slowly coming together and I will be able to post it on Monday.

Sorting this out has had a huge impact on my physical and mental health and my ability to do anything. I’ve missed a lot of my groups and counselling, I’ve been quite isolated and lonely. I’ve struggled just to do day to day tasks because I have been so tired, in so much pain and feeling far too overwhelmed, even taking a shower feels too much. It has certainly taken a massive toll on me and this whole process has been a huge trigger for the deep routed anger that is inside me.

This whole process has brought up a lot of stuff and has bought up a load of thoughts about all the times I’ve been let down by nearly everyone in my life, at every crucial moment in my life. My core memories aren’t all happy, great memories, they are mostly negative with a bit of trauma thrown in. I am feeling a lot of anger and I don’t know how to get rid of it in a normal healthy way, I know I am on the right path because I know I need to do something about this anger in a healthy way and my behaviour hasn’t been destructive at all, which is a vast improvement since I completed DBT. I just need to work out how to process it, where to start, what do I do?! I will meditate on it, look up ways to process deep routed anger and see where we go from here. I think though I need to stop fighting and rest, my fight, flight or freeze is stuck in fight mode just to get me through all this but, I need to stop for a bit, stop fighting and just be, that will be easier said then done, as I have spent a lot of time in fight mode recently just to get through each day!

How do I feel right now? I feel emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted. I need to rest and I will, I need to tend to all my needs and listen to my inner child and what he needs, this reminds me I want to learn more about this and re-parenting my inner child etc.

Just writing this has helped a bit but now I need to eat something and sleep πŸ™‚

But just before I go, here are a few pictures of me and my babies ❀

^^ Marley Moo

^^ Harley playing with her new toys that my lovely friend made πŸ™‚

^^ My beautiful Foxy girl

^^ My photography

^^ Scrappy doodles love swimming in the sea πŸ™‚

^^ Me, I actually quite like this picture of me.

Peace out

Batman

Feeling more myself and ready to fight!

It’s been another week since I last updated but I am feeling more myself now, so that’s a good improvement from my last post. I can’t even describe how I felt then, I just felt weird and not myself at all. I feel more grounded and settled now as well which has helped me feel more myself again.

I did some guided meditation to help ground me again and I listened to beach noises at night to help me get a more restful nights sleep. Its crazy how it helps so much, just sitting and being in the moment has helped me more then any medication has.

I’m really tired, so I’m struggling to be think of what to write. I hate brain fog so much, it’s so frustrating.

So I’ve had a really good busy week, spent most of it with L and the boys which is always good fun but absolutely exhausting.

Got my sinus infection back again after my two week course of doxycycline. Just over a week until my appointment with my ENT it still feels so far away though. My nose and my head really hurts all time 😦

My man boobs are still swollen and sore which is making the gender dysphoria much worse to deal with because I really don’t feel manly at all. I’ve not been able to bind at all because my chest is just too sore, which is frustrating.

I’m feeling the effects more and more of not being on methotrexate, I’m much more exhausted then usual, after a afternoon out yesterday all I’ve done today is sleep. Also yesterday my knee was swollen, it was so sore and felt really uncomfortable. Its been hurting for a while but I’ve just ignored it, I think it might be time to get it looked at now.

Had some more shit fucking news regarding my disability benefits, they’ve refused my appeal! So this means I now have to take them to a tribunal ffs! I just don’t have the energy for this shit, I really don’t. But I’ve got to keep fighting this because I deserve these benefits because I am ill and unable to work. Its an absolute joke it really is, having to jump through all these hoops just to receive money to survive. This is governing my entire life right now, its all I think about, worry about, talk about. But its important because its effecting me so much, I am a strong boy I can deal with this, like I deal with everything else.

Mr Scrappy has been poorly today, he’s been throwing up this afternoon but he’s been stopped now for an hour or so. Hopefully its just a bug he’s picked up and he’ll feel better in the morning. He’s been like this a few times before, so I’m not overly worried about him, he’s probably just picked up a bug.

Ok lets lighten this shit up a bit lol, um so had a text the other day to say I can upgrade my phone 3 months early, OH HELL YEAH! I was bang straight on it and got myself a iPhone 6, I am loving it, I can’t stop playing around with it and the case feels really nice, I can’t stop touching it lol.

I’ve got a good week ahead of me, so I wont be at a loss of what to do. I am having my eldest nephew tomorrow for a bit which I’m really looking forward too, as I don’t get to spend a lot of time just me and him.

So yeah that’s me, life is mega frustrating right now but when isn’t my life complicated huh…. never lol.

I think if I hadn’t got the early upgrade on my phone then the denial of my appeal for disability benefits would have pushed me over the edge, I somehow feel refreshed and energised because I’ve been bursting for an upgrade and it made me feel so happy. Its hard to put into words that make any sense but I feel ready to fight again, I know I can win this and I am totally up for the fight. I’m definitely feeling more myself πŸ™‚

^^ Scrappy and Foxy enjoying the beach

^^ Found this cool sand art πŸ™‚

^^ My beautiful Marley moo

^^ Scrappy enjoying the sun by the river

^^ Foxy girl enjoying the sun πŸ™‚

Well that’s all for now, I’ll try update sometime this week.

Peace out

Batman

Decoupage – My new hobby

Ah yet another Sunday has rolled around and it is the first day of spring πŸ™‚ it didn’t start getting dark until 6:45 pm and the pups and I managed to catch the last bit of sunshine before it disappeared for the day.

So I am able to write a today that isn’t about my shit life but about the positive and good day I have had. YES a short relief from the utter crap that is my life, it was due.

Got up at a reasonable hour this morning and didn’t go back to sleep…shocking! I did the housework as well, again something I’ve not done properly for a few weeks. Had a shower and got dressed and took the pups across the road for a run.

I saw a thing in tv the other morning about doing different arts and crafty bits to do over Easter and one thing jumped out at me and it is called decoupage, its where you get scraps of well anything like tissue paper, paper etc and you glue it onto whatever surface you choose. So I got a box and cut a square and some holes and started to cover it with tissue paper. Not only did I really enjoy this but it looks so effective as well, this box is for the cats to play in. I have other boxes that the cats play in that I can do the decoupage too πŸ™‚ This has really helped lift my mood today as I feel like I’ve done something really productive and fun.

Its amazing how something so simple can change my mood so dramatically, but its definitely a new hobby that I will be doing more of.

How do I feel right now? I feel good and settled, which is a nice feeling and a relief from how I have been feeling recently.

Short post tonight but I don’t have much to say.

Here’s some pics of my day.

^^ My decoupage cat box πŸ™‚

^^ My beautiful girls ❀

^^ Its SPRING!

^^ Scrappy doodles being cute

^^ My beautiful Foxy girl

Peace out

Batman

This shit it my life!

Wow what to write that isn’t about what I’ve been talking about for fucking weeks! I don’t even fucking care any more if all I am talking about is my current situation because this current situation is so fucked up and is having a fucking massive impact on my life and my health.

So I hadn’t heard from Diverse abilities since I saw the lady to go through my appeal which was on the 1st February. I left another message with the office and the lady rang me back in the afternoon, now she said she didn’t send my form back until the 10th February and in the pit of my stomach I instantly knew that she’d fucked it up! Now she said give it another week but I couldn’t let any more time elapse, so I rang up the Personal Independent Payment which is a premium number, which in itself is a JOKE! But the lady I spoke to was really nice and she said they didn’t get my appeal until 16th February which was too late! they needed it by fucking 12th February! This is a massive fucking cock up! She said she will see if they will open the appeal again if not then I will have to start the whole process all over again! So I have paid a charity to help me only to have it fucked right up! Well I could have done that all by myself! Suffice to say I was extremely angry and could barely keep my shit together, I cried on the phone to the PIP lady and I cried whilst talking to the Diverse Abilities lady. The anger had to come out somehow and that was the most healthiest way. Nothing I can do now until Mon, so I will be talking to my Diverse Abilities lady again to see what the plan of action is, she needs to sort this out.

I just cannot believe this was just completely fucked up so fucking bad, so now I have to wait another 8-9 fucking weeks for the appeal process! I literally want to throw myself on the floor and have a full on tantrum like a toddler because I am that fucking frustrated with this whole thing. This is my fucking LIFE they are cocking about with! I mean WTF! It is beyond and joke and borderlining on cruelty! Literally do not know how much more of this bullshit I can deal with, its getting just too too much for me to deal with.

So my money lands on the end and first of the month, which is when two big bills come out… so it isn’t going to leave me with much money, well no money for anything, not even food. I am going to have to look at the next few months and see when these big bills come out and see if I will be able to afford them or not, if not then I will have to re-evaluate my outgoings and that possibly will mean having to cut off my internet and tv, but I will sit and work it out. Another thing I don’t have the energy for, it makes me feel tired just thinking about it, I hate maths!

I had to ask a friend for money for this fortnight just so I can survive. Now I HATE asking anyone for help with anything but I was desperate. This person I have pretty much known all my life and we’ve faced life’s hardships together and we’ve always helped each other out when either one is in need. This made me feel much better about her helping me because it feels more on par and I know when she needs help I can return the favour. So she’s saved my ass big time, this fortnight I will be able to pay my bills and eat. Another friend did offer to help but I don’t want to feel or be in debt to that person as I cannot afford to pay it back.

I am glad that Ian Duncan Smith has resigned but its not because he feels the government has gone too far, its because he’s saving his own ass and leaving before shit blows up!

Something I saw today and totally believe!

Our country cannot go on with these bastards killing off the sick, the disabled and the already impoverished. We cannot let this go on but how the hell do you beat the elite, they are already corrupt to the very core. I can feel an unrest with in society and within the things I read from people like me and I do think there will be an uprising of some kind.

So to change to subject to one that’s a bit more calm.. Today I took the pups for a proper walk for the first time in a week, I’ve not been well enough to go far and my depression as once again kept me housebound too. It was cold and windy today but it felt good to be out from within my four walls. The pups enjoyed it as well which always makes me feel good. I felt like the legs were going to fall off when I got home lol.

Just been relaxing the rest of today, or at least trying too. I have so much crap constantly running through my little brain, its really hard to switch of from. I find that playing the candy crush games and doing word searches helps distract me and helps me switch off the constant running commentary that I hear 24/7.

I am always banging on about how self care is essential to my continuing recovery…I am finding it extremely difficult to do, even the little things are hard. Its hard not to be awake all night and sleep all day, its hard to get out everyday, hard to do the housework, I’m just finding it hard to keep my shit together day to day. But I am trying to do one thing each day that is self care, just to keep afloat.

So how in this moment right now do I feel? I feel empty, my body hurts and I am tired. I really don’t know how I am going to continue, I’ve literally had my fill of this BS, it has to turn around soon, something HAS to start going well…right?! Just living hour by hour is taxing, I feel so powerless to change or stop any of this.

^^ Seem to totally fit today. I hope this has a good ending.

^^ My beautiful Foxy girl

^^ Love this photo of my beautiful Scrappy Doodles

^^ I love living here ❀

^^ My beautiful Marley Moo

 My playful Harley ❀

I love my fur babies so much and they keep me going, they keep me company with them I am never alone ❀

Well that’s another depressive post written but hey this is shit is my life!

Peace out

Batman

Just one big vicious circle….

Ah what to write that is not along the same lines as what I have been writing so far this year and well last year… My life ladies and gentlemen is one HUGE vicious circle that I cannot stop and I fucking HATE! I don’t want to be in this circle any more! I want it to end NOW! 😦

Enough said right there ^^

I’m just SO over this all. Yet AGAIN I am on antibiotics for ANOTHER fucking sinus infection! Like I don’t suffer enough without this bs going on. Oh and I had a full on nose bleed last night..yeah it woke me up for like an hour :/ but felt much longer as all I wanted to do was sleep. Nose bleeds for me are a warning sign that something is wrong not that the Dr that saw me gave a fuck about anything I had to say, she just wanted to get me out the office and done with..

I am so sick of this fucking situation, I just want a break. Tomorrow I get to spend the day chasing people up and sorting shit out…Oh I cannot wait to do that! NOT! That in itself takes some much energy and emotional stress. I definitely need a secretary! I also need a sugar mummaΒ Tongue OutΒ that would make all this MUCH easier..but alas that is just a dream.

My life is right now is, antibiotics, other pills, chronic illness, chronic pain, low mood, benefits, phone calls, appointments, money worries…and it just goes around in a circle, the antibiotics finish and soon after the sinus infection comes right back again. I’m so sick of thinking about it, sick of this being my life! and as I am sat here writing this my nose is bleeding again..ffs! At least its not a heavy one but its still not a good sign, definitely think I am having a flare up right now.

I had to miss group again today, one because I had the doctors this morning and two because I just felt too ill to go anywhere. But I did get a call from My health My way, which is like a support place for people like me with chronic health issues. The lady was asking me for more details about me and my situation and said someone will contact me again, so that’s good. I hate missing group so much as its a lifeline of support and its not on next week due to annual staff leave..ah such bad timing but it is what it is I suppose.

Right now I am struggling to see any positivity or any hope that things will get better, or that I will get better. Its hard to keep my mood on a level as I’m standing on the edge of that black hole, my feet right over the edge, I have nothing to grab onto to stop me from falling in.

If my life were to be put on the scales then they would certainly look unbalanced and almost ready to topple over, I need something to help re-balance everything, but I don’t know what that would be or even look like. Everything just looks so bleak and black, like the colour has been drained out of my life. I certainly feel that if I were a colour I’d be black, mainly because that’s how I feel and because good days are extremely rare. Good days look like bright, colourful and happy, like purple, yellow, pink, orange, blue and other such wonderful colours, I miss good days, I hope I get one again soon.

I tried not to write about the same BS over and over but..well unfortunately my life is fucking BS right now and I have nothing else to talk about 😦

How do I feel right now? I feel tired, my body aches so much and I feel a bit low and empty.

I’m so glad I have the unconditional love of my 4 beautiful fur babies ❀

Β and a picture of me πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman

Don’t listen to that little dark voice.

A lot has changed in 3 days, a good kind of change though. I’m feeling much better then I did when I last posted on Wednesday. I am much more articulate now and I am able to write a decent sentence…Well I hope so anyway.

On Thursday I wasn’t going to go to my LGBT mental health group, I just didn’t want to go. The little dark voice was whispering in my ear saying “don’t go” “you’ll have a better day at home” “you don’t need that group anyway” etc you get the picture, the depression whispering lies into my ear constantly, trying to keep me at home, keeping me away from people, keeping me from helping myself to push through and feel better. Because the dark voice disappears if I ignore him, so he shouts as loud as he can for as long as he can, until the little ray of light starts talking sense, telling me that there is hope and I will feel better again.

That little ray of light gets louder and stronger the more I pushed on with my day. He got a little louder after I had my breakfast, a little louder still after having a shower and getting dressed. The dark voice was shouting too both in equal measure, my head was so loud but I knew what path I had to follow. I carried on and took the dogs out for a walk, I kept having to sit down as the dark voice was making my body feel so heavy and weak but I pushed through. By this point both voices were raging at each other, I was just listening to them both, both made good points. But ultimately listening to the dark voice would mean just perpetuating the liar that is depression, he would win, the only way I was going to feel better is if I listened to the light voice and went to group.

So I managed to get my stuff together, it took every fibre of my being to do this. As I walked out the front door, locking it behind me, the dark voice realised he’s lost. So he went back to whispering softly in my ear, whispering things like “you won’t have a good day” “you’re stupid” etc… :/

By the time I got on the bus, my head was fairly quite again and my whole being felt so exhausted. I kept falling asleep on the bus trip and very nearly missed my stop but I suddenly realised where I was and pressed the button to get off.

Group itself was good, I don’t remember what we did but I think that’s because it was such a huge battle to just get there, I struggled to be present. But I was there, I stayed, I participated as much as I could and I felt better as a result.

I still didn’t feel 100% better but I felt more myself for going out. I had a good evening, I made myself dinner, played with the pups while waiting for my food shopping, snacked on a peanut butter and syrup sandwich and went to bed.

Friday I went to the Weymouth LGBT mental health group and again it was a bit of a battle to get up and ready, but the struggle wasn’t nearly as bad as the day before. So it just goes to show that my mood was on the way back to normality again.

As always the journey there and back was good and the session itself was good. I think I’ve been going to that group for about a year now, which is cool and makes me proud πŸ™‚

Got home from group about 6pm, I was so tired but I took the pups out for a quick wee and run. When we got back in I stripped off, my binder was hurting so off that came, jeans came off and were replaced by joggy bottoms, although if it was warmer I would just be walking about in boxers and top…but its still too cold for that unfortunately.

I had no energy or motivation to do anything, so I flopped onto the sofa, narrowly missing Harley and Foxy who were both on the sofa, waiting for attention. I reclined both sides of the sofa and I was soon surrounded by all four of my fur babies, I didn’t however appreciate scrappy standing on my back because he’s so freaking heavy! It was nice though, I spent about an hour just laying in silence, with my babies all round me.

Managed to muster up the energy to make myself some dinner which was nice. I just spent the evening watching tv and chatting to friends online.

Today the sun was out and it was like a cool spring day, its been so nice. Before I could go and enjoy the sunshine, I did the housework as its been a bit neglected this week due to my low mood . I felt better for doing it and the place no longer smelt of stinky cat litter, which isn’t a good smell.

I got myself together and I took the dogs for a walk and we went on the longer route. I thought it a bit ambitious of me to walk the long way and it worked out that yeah it was a bit ambitious. I kept having to sit down and resting along the way, but that was ok as I got to just sit in be in the moment.

Once again when I got in, I stripped off the chest binder and my jeans and adopted the much more comfortable joggy bottoms and I rested for a bit with my babies.

I started my dinner early as its quite a time consuming dish and didn’t want to eat too late in the night. I made myself a chicken and leek pie and it was very nice if I do say so myself. I did the washing up as I went along so it wasn’t overwhelming.

I have spent my evening playing with the animals and listening to music. Which makes a change from having the TV on all night and its been a nice change.

Recently I’ve been conscious about the amount of time I spend on my phone, laptop, ps3 and watching tv and I know that it doesn’t always have a good effect on me. So I’ve been switching off my mobile phone, not going on the laptop every night, now watching tv every day. I’ve been mixing up my routine a bit more, cuz before I would watch certain things in the day, then spend all evening with the TV on and my laptop on.

I like people not texting and talking to me all day long, sometimes I just turn my phone off and sit and play with the dogs, or do some colouring or whatever. Not having to be plugged in 24/7 is very freeing, just to sit and be in the moment and to be in whatever is going on around me is nice. It means I’m not missing out on spending quality time with friends or the animals, I’m not missing out on moments because I am not being sucked into my phone. I am learning more and more how to just be and it is difficult but I have found that if one of my senses is being occupied then I can be in the moment, being still and quiet.

I know people worry when I don’t text straight back or whatever but they don’t need to worry because I am ok, I’m just going back to basics.

So after sitting here for about 3 hours writing, well not solidly I may add, how do I feel? I feel calm, happy and connected with myself. I feel hopeful and excited to see L tomorrow for her birthday πŸ™‚

My life is by far simple but I somehow get myself through it, I will drag myself through this life kicking and screaming until the very end! I will not give up, that dark voice will NEVER win the war.

That is all for now, as my heads starting to hurt from looking at the screen. Glad I took the time to update this though, as its been a while and I always feel better for getting it all out and hopefully I will sleep peacefully tonight.

Peace out

Batman