Happy, content and refreshed

The mid week slump was much needed, I was totally wiped out by Wednesday afternoon and I had to stop everything I was doing and just sleep. I think that this in part has helped with my mood, I feel good, happy and refreshed. It feels nice but a bit weird, just trying to hold onto it and not look to destroy it.

We had a really nice sunny day on Thursday, wow I felt great! So energised and happy. Even my neighbour said I look really refreshed.

It was the first day of wearing my sports bra all day and that also contributed to my good mood. It hurt like hell at the end of the day, my ribs an back ached so so much! But it was worth it, I felt great! I’m not going to wear it all day every day, will have to build up to it. Plus as its cold I can get away with wearing hoodies so my chest looks less noticeable.

Group was good on Thursday, M and I agreed that I could use the group as I did before, whilst also being a volunteer. Which is great because I get to help but also continue getting support, its a good balance.

M dropped me home, which cut loads of time of my usual journey. I got home, threw my bag on the floor, peed and grabbed the dogs and went for a walk down Baiter. It was so nice and the pups loved it, we caught the sunset which was so beautiful ❤

I was glad to have dinner already made, I just had to heat it up. I was achy and tired after walking the pups but I felt happy, I love being out with them and it was definitely worth the pain! I then played Lego Jurassic world for the rest of the evening. I’m cutting down the amount of time I spend online, just because I see so much crap on social media and it does have a negative effect on me. Plus playing my games or doing Lego feels much more productive and it makes me feel loads better then surfing the web all night.

Friday M and I went to the Weymouth group, the group met for lunch before hand and it was really nice. I couldn’t eat my lunch any quicker lol, it was so yum! The session itself went well, I really enjoy this group. M and I had quite a deep chat on the way home, which is unusual for us, it’s usually quite light and funny. But it was good though and very much appreciated.

I got in and took the dogs straight across the road for a run, I met my sister in law to pick up Leo for a few hours. They both needed a few hours without a screaming child lol…so I got him! He was tired and teething, after he played with scrappy for a bit I managed to get him off to sleep in his pushchair for an hour, so I could eat and relax.

I ate loads today, I had 3 crumpets and 2 pancakes for breakfast, I had a jacket potato for lunch, then biscuits and I had more crumpets and pancakes for dinner. Its the first day in so long that I’ve felt really hungry and have snacked between meals and I ate without even thinking about it and without it being such a huge stress.

After they picked up my lil chubs and robbed all my sweets lol! As they always do when they come over, but I hide the good stuff!! I played Lego Jurassic world for a few hours, I got sucked into and away from my head. I love it so much 🙂 makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something. I’ve never completed a game 100% before, so I’m already half way through now 53% 🙂

I got to bed and sleep just after 1 am I think. I woke up at 9 am, had breakfast and went back to sleep until midday 🙂 I felt nice and refreshed, ready for another day.

Did the housework, had a shower and got dressed. Not wearing my sports bra today though, my chest bones are still recovering from wearing it all day Thursday.

Took the pups across the road for a run and wee, before walking through to high street to the bus stop. Its a Saturday so it will be busy and the last thing I need is for them to stop and poop in the street lol! Because they are small people don’t see them, I don’t like walking through the high street on a Saturday let alone with the dogs.

I took the pups to their vets appointment, just for flea treatment but I prefer to have an appointment so I remember when they are due what treatment. Mr Scrappy has put on 200gs, he’s now 6.7kgs! She said he should maximum weight now as he’s nearly 2 years old and should be finished growing. She’s happy that they are both happy and healthy and that now for a while Foxy has been maintaining her weight, rather it then dropping up and down all the time. I think a better quality of food has helped so much with her in so many aspects 🙂

I got home and chilled out for a bit, I then sat and played Lego Jurassic world for a bit, going round collecting more Amber and gold bricks. Had myself some dinner, I had gammon that I’d made on a previous night, which was nice.

I spent some time making some cakes and cheese biscuits, which I always enjoy. I’m going to my brothers for dinner tomorrow, so will take some of each with me.

Spent the rest of the evening catching up on online, social media stuff and writing my blog of course.

How do I feel right now? I feel happy, content and refreshed. I can’t put my finger on why, its probably to do with a few things. But I’m not going to analyse it, I’m just going to enjoy it and hope it lasts.

Here are some pictures from the last few days.

 Pups loved their walk on Thursday and didn’t want to go home.

 Foxy taking in her surroundings ❤ she looks so peaceful and happy

 Typical pose for my boy, willing that ball to move lol.

 Foxy in her pjs, chowing down on treats 🙂

 My gorgeous boy didn’t want me to leave him.

 The view from the room for out Weymouth LGBT mental health group.

 Eating the last cookie, whilst waiting for M to pee before we left. I was feeling pretty goofy 🙂

 Pups all ready for bed, they are such lil posers.

 Marley moo loves sleeping in bed with me

 Harley checking out what everyone was doing.

 Home made cakes are the best!

 Home made cheese biscuits are the best!

 The pups waiting for anything to drop on the floor lol

 Harley checking out what’s going on as usual.

That’s it for now, will be around again soon.

Peace out

Batman

Tired and achy but feeling happy

Right now I’m too tired to write but I am too tired to move and do anything else… I’m just glad I got through another stressful week with minimal damage.

I’m still not feeling any better then I felt on Thursday, still exhausted, achy, snotty and chesty. I can’t wait to see the nurse tomorrow and get some antibiotics for a bit of relief.

Today my arm and hand that I fractured last year has been so achy today, my thumb is the worst it proper hurts. May need to wear the splint for a bit as a bit of support. But I’ll talk to the nurse about it tomorrow.

Friday I spent relaxing and looking after my needs, which I totally needed. I took the pups out for a walk, it was windy and raining but it was actually quite nice. Not one single person was down where we walked, felt like the only person in the world. Loved feeling the wind and rain on my face, made me feel alive. The pups needed a good run around as they’d not been out since last weekend. After I just spent some time watching TV and then played on the PS3 until dinner. I had gammon for dinner with dumplings and veg, it was so nice and even though my appetite is better I’ve not put on any weight, so I’m well happy with that, I’m still 8st 13lbs.

Saturday L and boo came over and spent the day and mine. It was a good day, me and boo played with trains and cars. We did try and go for a walk but it was so so windy down there and boo was tired so we didn’t go far. Boo fell asleep before we got home, so L and I watched Legend and I made more cheese biscuits mmmmmmm 🙂

After they left I had a little sleep because I was tired and in pain. I made myself dinner and played on the PS3 for about 4 hours, which I love so much.

Today I struggled to get going, I was so tired and felt rough. Still wanted to go out and do something though, hate sitting about even when I do feel ill.

My friend F picked up me and the pups and we went to the beach for a walk. Again it was really windy but at least it was dry and the pups had great fun running around going all crazy.

F and Benny came back to mine for a bit, which was nice. I changed into my joggy bottoms and sat and the floor and Benny kept rubbing himself all over me lol, he’s so sweet and didn’t leave my side bless him.

After they left I chilled out for a bit and eventually I just couldn’t stay awake any longer and fell asleep for about a hour. Cooked myself another nice dinner again tonight, so chuffed that I got my eating back on track quite quickly.

How do I feel right now? Like previous posts, I feel tired, achy and not too well. But my mood has improved and I feel happier then I have done this week. That’s down to seeing my friends, taking the pups out, eating properly, resting and sleeping, oh and playing my games on the PS3 🙂

It’s been a hell of a few weeks and it’s totally mashed my head up, loads of things have been churned up by this benefits process and my continuing counselling etc. But as usual with the help of my friends I’ve managed to pick myself and carry on. Sometimes I wonder how/why I carry on but I do, life is precious and some people don’t have the choice of living their life. But I do and I choose to carry on and live it as best as I can.

 This is how I feel

 Scrappy at Baiter on Friday

 A wind swept Foxy

 Pups chasing each other

 Boo didn’t like the wind

 Playing with trains 🙂

 Muscle boys!

 Selfie 🙂

 Aw selfie ❤

 Pups down the beach

 Another wind swept Foxy running on the beach

 Scrappy loving the beach

 I love the beach in the winter.

Peace out

Batman

This is what a good week feels like :)

I have had a long, busy but good week. I don’t really know where to start.

I’m feeling good though, despite the joint pain and the lingering sinus infection, I’ve been able to maintain a stable mood.

I was going to do a video blog this weekend but didn’t get around to it. Going to definitely try and do one at some point this week.

Mon 4th – I don’t remember much from Monday, as it’s so long ago now lol. I probably did the housework in the morning but I do remember I had a friend and her pup over in the afternoon for a few hours which was cool, I got us burger king for lunch and then we chilled out. I made myself a nice steak dinner.

Tues – 5th Just relaxed for most of the day until I had to go over to pick up Arnie from L’s as she was in hospital with an asthma attack. Didn’t really do much the rest of the day other then play with the pups and game.

Wednesday 6th – In the morning I did the housework, took the pups for a run and then picked up my nephew.

I looked in a few shops on the way back to mine with Leo, when we got back to mine I set Leo on the floor with his toys but he was happy playing with the pups lol.

I put dinner on in the slow cooker, sausage and bean casserole. Not made it for a while and it was really nice.

Lunch time, I fed Leo and I had something to eat too. He was getting sleepy so he went down for a nap for and hour. Whilst he was sleeping I filled out my forms for ESA. Not sure if they will be able to read it though, my writing is awful.

Played with Leo and the pups after his nap, then took him home.

I had dinner and chilled out for an hour or so, I was so so tired!

Then got the bus to take Arnie home, only stopped there for 10 mins and then walked over to my friends house, T&C. We exchanged our Christmas presents which was cool, they got me some nice things. I didn’t stay too late because I needed to get home to sleep.

Thursday 7th – I had a chilled out morning, then went to my Mindout LGBTQ mental health group. It was a good session 🙂 I took part of the session where we talked about trans stuff, like the difference between trans and transvestite etc. They all loved the word search too 🙂

After group I went to the hospital to get my bone density scan done, didn’t have to wait around too long and was pretty much in and out.

I don’t remember what happened in the evening, I’m tired so my brain fog is really bad right now.

Friday 8th – I slept well again, my sleep has been loads better since being on the 50 mgs of Quetiapine and my appetite has been better too. I’ve put on a 3lbs but as long as I don’t put on any more I will stay on this dose.

Had the Weymouth Mindout group and again I took part of the session on trans stuff and again it went well and I really enjoyed it 🙂 I also got called gentleman by a police officer while I was tidying up.

Just chilled out in the evening, playing with the pups and the cats. I did the housework before going to bed so I didn’t have to worry about it over the weekend.

Saturday 9th – Had a relaxing morning, I took the pups across the road for a quick run an wee.

I watched a few animated Batman films and put my new Batman Lego set together which didn’t take long at all.

Spent time playing with the pups trying to tire them out. Didn’t really work though.

I spent a few hours gaming, playing blur. Ah love it! I got so into it, I kept shouting when I failed lol!

In the evening I had a friend over, we had Pizza hut, we talked and we watched a film called Sucker Punch, which is a top favourite of mine. After we went for a short walk with the dogs down the the Quay and back. It was nice spending time with E and she said today that it helped her too 🙂

Sunday 10th – I slept until 11 am which was much needed. I got showered and dressed, went into town and got myself chilli cheese bites for lunch, I went to Asda to get a few bits in that I needed.

Had some lunch and messaged and friend to see if her and her dog wanted to go for a walk, so she came and picked me and the pups up. We went to Hamworthy park and we as got there is rained so so hard! It didn’t last long though thankfully, we were able to get out and walk the pups. They all got nice and wet and muddy! and me and F got some nice fresh air, which is always a good thing.

Came back to mine after the walk, towel dried off all the pups. Watched The Lego Movie 🙂 and just chatted more. Which was really nice.

After I made some cheese biscuits, which were so simple to make and didn’t take long at all. I did it all by hand as I don’t have a blender, only a hand blender and that made a bit of a mess lol! But they are so nice but next time I will definitely use a bit more cheese.

Just been relaxing this evening 🙂 and writing this has taken up most of my evening, but I don’t mind.

I have a bit of a quieter week a head, got my 1:1 gender counselling, will be meeting with a few different friends at some point or another, pups are both having their hair cut on Friday and obviously Mindout group on Thursday. So yeah should be a good week.

I am going to try and make myself a beef stroganoff at some point this week as I really enjoyed it when I had it Christmas eve. So I am going to see if I can cook it as well, I don’t see why not. A resolution of mine, which I just thought of today is to try and learn how to cook different meals, rather then just cook the same old thing all the time. I need to learn to cook different meals to mix it up a bit and maybe this will help with my food issues.

I do find cooking difficult for a few different reasons, one is the fact it takes energy and causes me joint pain. But with the stool that’s eased it a lot, so I can enjoy it more. I struggle with concentration and will wander away from what I am doing, so I can re-focus myself.. Although it has been known I stop to do something else getting completely engaged and nearly burning down the flat! and I struggle with timing as well, my maths is ok-ish. But I get the concept of time but I struggle with what 5 minutes feels like because sometimes 5 minutes to me feels like an hour..so I find it hard to judge time… haha I just got side tracked to see if I could find out why I can’t really judge how long a period of time is but couldn’t find anything. It’s probably the adhd and dyslexia. But anyway yeah it takes a LOT of energy, organisation and brain power for me to cook a meal, I can’t just do it on auto pilot, even meals I’ve cooked before I still have to look at the recipe to make sure it’s right.

Anyway that’s enough from me. I will let you all know if the cooking a new dish goes well for me or not…fingers crossed it will 🙂

Oh I did have some awesome things happen this week, I got called Sir and Gentleman both on a separate occasion. So I was well happy with that 🙂 it sadly doesn’t happen often at the moment. I’m sure it will in time and further along my transition.

 Picture of Benny and the pups playing 🙂

 Cheese biscuits.

 New Lego set

 Harley and Marley 🙂

Scrappy, Arnie and Foxy all watching me eat dinner lol!

Peace out

Batman

*Insert*Festive*Title*Here*

So it’s 4 days until Christmas day! EEEEK! and I am sort of ready for it lol. I have food to last for like a month lol! so at least that is done and sorted out but I have a few presents still to get and then I need to spend time wrapping it all, which I hate cuz my butt and lower back really hurts when I sit on the floor.

My tree went up on the 12th and it looks great, got loads of decorations on there that were made by my friends and their kids, gives it such a personal loving feel and I can’t stop looking at the decorations and thinking about all my friends who love me and who have been so amazing this year 🙂

On the 11th I went to the Weymouth Mindout group and we had our Christmas lunch, which was lovely. I always really enjoy being with the people in that group, they are all so lovely. On our first group back to both the Bournemouth and Weymouth group I am doing a session about being transgender…eeep no pressure lol, I am looking forward to it though, just not sure where to start. Might look up some history and statistics and stuff.

The 14th was the trans group Christmas meal and again it was another great meet up. I had my main man sat next to me for the whole thing and he didn’t stop talking to me for the whole thing, but it was so lovely to catch up with him, he’s such a dude!

17th was the last Mindout Bournemouth group until the 7th of Jan, it was a really good group, quite a few people turned up which was nice. Afterwards I went to the YMCA with N so she could pick some stuff up so she could come stay with me for a few days. She treated us to pizza hut which was lush and we just hung out watching films. It was really nice to have some company.

18th N spent most of the day at hers doing some bits she needed to do and I spent most of the day sleeping and resting because I was so tired and I am still feeling poorly, so I needed it. N came back in the evening and we chilled out watching tv and playing Lego lol. I had my food shopping delivered, so N and I put that away and sorted out all the stuff that’s gone off in the fridge and freezer. N is staying with me all over Christmas, so we went to Asda and got some more food shopping and yeah we have loads now lol!

19th Again I spent most of my day sleeping and resting. L came over early evening without the boys, so it was really nice to have some adult time together before all the madness of Christmas commences lol. We had pizza hut for dinner….well is is the holidays 😉 and we watched some films which was cool.

Today L and I took the pups for a lovely walk down baiter park this morning. It was so nice, a bit windy though lol but the pups had great fun running around and being all crazy. Scrappy and Arnie even dipped their paws in the sea, crazy boys must have been so cold.

After the walk L caught the bus back to hers and I walked back home. When I got in I did myself some crumpets for lunch, got a Pepsi, pain killers, a few chocolates and a Christmas film and snuggled up in bed, with the pups and the cats. I don’t think I saw most of the film lol because I fell asleep but I so needed it.

Just been chilling out this evening, I watched tv, had some dinner, played with the dogs and the cats, played with Lego. Yeah it’s been a pretty great day and even though I am still full of snot I feel really good 🙂

Even though I am not entirely sorted and I do still have a few bits to do, I feel more settled then I have done. I feel much more grounded and settled. I think that being around all my friends over Christmas is giving me something to really look forward too so it’s lifted my mood, I really want to make sure everyone around me has a great time, as well as myself and my fur babies of course.

It’s been a very long few weeks with lots of ups and downs, illnesses, emotional pain, tiredness and generally just not knowing where I am at at all. But I am definitely getting back on track and I am hopefully going to end this very long year on a good note. I’m not sure if I am looking forward to next year or not but I know it will be hard with difficult appointments and stuff but I am just going to make sure I fill up the rest of the time with fun with friends.

 My gorgeous Foxy and Scrappy looking rather festive ❤

Harley and Marley my beautiful girls ❤

I scrub up ok don’t I? 😉

 Tree decorations made my J and his boy

 Tree decoration made my my friend K

  Tree decorations made my Scarlett, India and Ravenoak

 Tree decorations made by L and the boys

I am in love with my decorations ❤

Peace out

Batman

Christmas chaos

Well it’s 2 weeks until Christmas eve and I am no where near organised for anything lol, like I just feel like I am just wandering around in a haze with no real direction at all… I need to get myself sorted but right now I feel too tired and ill to do anything.

Last year I was super organised, cards were sorted, shopping was done, tree was up. I was ready. I haven’t even got a tree at the moment, I don’t know who I still need to get presents for, I haven’t done any food shopping, like literally I have nothing. I have done NO cards because well I can’t be fucking bothered.

I am still finding my feet after this manic episode and I just have so much going on. I have so many appointments, group meals an stuff before Christmas and just not enough time to do it all. Plus I am currently suffering from a sinus infection so I feel so ill.

Going to try and get myself a bit more organised at the weekend, I need to look at the presents that I already have got and what I need to get. I need to get myself a new tree if I have the money. Going to write myself a shopping list, will get that delivered though as no way am I carrying it all. I also need to make sure the animals have everything they need as well. A lot of work goes into celebrating a few days. But until the new year everything is all over the place so I like to have everything I need to get by.

I’ve had a long difficult week with one thing or another, which hasn’t helped with the disorganisation and time has just slipped away as well, it’s gone incredibly fast. I do need to get my butt into gear and sort it out. I want to make sure I have another good Christmas and that takes a lot of work.

Oh I have the name of a specialist in Southampton hospital and I have left a message with my GP to ask him to refer me to him. So I am hoping this will be straight forward but it might not be but I can always hope that something in my life is straight forward lol.

I have written a letter to my family to cut ties with them, apart from my brother as our relationship is different because we are brothers. I am going to post it to my grandparents house for them to pass around. I can no longer carry around the anger and the emotional baggage they bring into my life. It needs to be done and this year I have built up my friendship circle and they are now my family. Family isn’t always blood. I feel better for having written it, I can’t wait for this part of my life to be over with, so I can let go of the anger and move on. I am fed up with all the fakeness the holidays bring, I can’t fake my way through another Christmas. It’s a big scary step but I know that this ultimately is for the best.

Still not sleeping amazing, still waking up at least once. But I’m not waking up for that long and I am dealing with it. It is slowly getting better and I am definitely on the right track 🙂

I have altered my routine a little bit, I go on the laptop earlier in the evening so I have more time to watch a film or play on my ps3 and I am not spending as much time online as I did and I am finding I mentally feel less drained..not the right words but can’t find the words to explain it. Or I go on my laptop in the day, so I can chill in the evening.

My appetite is better but that’s because I’m still on 50mgs of Quetiapine. Even though I am hungry I struggle to eat, sometimes I try not to gag when I’m eating sometimes. But I carry on because I’m hungry and I need to eat. I just try and ignore it and enjoy eating, it’s hard but I need to gain a better relationship with food. I’m not forcing myself to eat though as I know that will make it worse, I just take my time to eat.

Transition stuff is ok I guess, still get misgenered like all the time which is really getting me down now but not much I can do about it :/ it’s just really frustrating.

Think that’s all that’s happening in my lil crazy life

Peace out

Batman

8 day old post

A 8 day old post that I just didn’t share for some reason…

Two weeks of no methotrexate and I am doing ok 🙂 I feel a bit more energetic which is odd but I am not sure if it is the bipolar or from not being on the methotrexate, its hard to tell the difference sometimes. It could be the bipolar as I have been feeling quite agitated recently.

Stomach is feeling much better, apart from a small sore patch but I think that is from an injection. But apart from that I can eat and it stays in! woohoo lol.

I am still waiting for an email from someone who will be able to help me get seen by a proper specialist in Southampton hospital.

But yeah generally doing much better then I was 🙂 just trying to make sure that I look after myself.

I have stopped making myself eat and sleep when “normal” people eat and sleep because my body is just not in a “normal” routine at all and trying to sleep from say 11 pm until 8 am and eat 3 meals a day is just not working for me at all and is actually quite stressful and I think maybe that is why I’ve been feeling agitated.

I’ve still been struggling to sleep so I’ve decided to sleep as and when I am sleepy, rather then forcing myself to sleep throughout the night because I am wide awake most mornings by 5 am, some days I just rest in the afternoon or I may nap it just depends.

Same with food I’ve been really struggling with eating again and I’ve not been eating proper meals purely because that’s not what my body is really wanting. So at the moment I’ve just been eating sandwiches.. not the best thing ever but I’ve tried to eat soup an other stuff but I’ve just not eaten it because just the thought of eating anything other then what I am makes me feel ill..it’s all very weird an complicated. But yeah just going with what my body wants rather then fighting against it and making myself feel stressed.

Peace out

Batman

I love my friends <3

I am back, I’m feeling a bit more lively and a bit less mopey. It’s been a very long few weeks but hopefully this is the start of me feeling better.

My stomach has been loads better this week and I’ve been catching up on eating lol 🙂 but that’s good though, I needed to build myself back up again.

My friends have been really amazing this week and I am so so grateful for every single one.

On Thursday I spent the whole day with L and the pups. Harvey was at school and Albert was at nursery 🙂 so it was nice just to chill and have some adult time. We watched some films and just chilled really but, even just simple things like that makes all the difference.

L picked up Albert from nursery and I went to pick up Harvey from school 🙂 which was cool.

L cooked us all dinner too, which I needed, as I’d not eaten properly for a while.

I left just after the boys went to bed, when I got home, I got my meds, a drink, a snack, my hot water bottle and let the cats in the bedroom too and snuggled in bed with all my fur babies and I was fast asleep by 10:30 pm.

Friday I woke up at 5:30 am…but I had slept well for 7 hours. I just chilled out for a bit, hoping I would go back to sleep for a bit, but I didn’t. So I cleaned up a bit, got myself showered and dressed and by 8 am I was out with the pups, we went for a walk down Baiter. It was really nice, I saw a rainbow and got some great pictures.

On my way home I went to my friends shop and picked up her dog Lolly for a play date for the day. I did try and have a nap after my walk, I couldn’t sleep though but I did just rest for an hour.

I felt a bit restless all day long, I couldn’t settle on any one thing. But I felt ok other wise. Just spent the day pottering around the flat and playing with all the dogs and cats 🙂

I dropped lolly home in the evening and S and her family invited me up for dinner which was nice 🙂 I had nice snuggles with baby JJ and Lolly was wanting me to play too. It was nice just to chill out with friends and be looked after a lil bit ❤

I got home to my happy puppies and kitties, took the pups out for a wee and then snuggled up in bed like I did Thursday night. It was really nice not to have to inject myself and put that crap into my body! Felt nervous about it but good too.

Saturday was the first time in 15 years that I didn’t wake up with a methotrexate hangover! I didn’t feel tired and groggy, I just felt like I normally do in the morning.

I just sat watching cartoons for most of the morning, then decided to get my butt up and do the housework. Despite the rain I got my waterproofs and welly boots on and took the pups out for a walk, it was great fun 🙂

I got home and did myself some actual dinner, only scrambled eggs on toast but at least I cooked something.

Two of my lady friends took me out, we went to Flirt for the evening but it was really nice to get out with some lovely friends.

After getting home, I took the pups for a wee, took my meds and fell asleep pretty much straight away.

So we are all caught up to today, which is Sunday.

I’ve felt pretty tired all day and all I’ve done is eat, sleep and watch cartoons. I just couldn’t get going but I think where I’ve not slept well all week, it’s all caught up with me. I don’t mind spending the day the way I have done because some days I just need to sleep, rest and eat.

I am feeling so so grateful to all my friends who’ve been there for me this week 🙂 either physically or just through messages. I am feeling so much better for having my needs met from everyone, it was definitely needed. I cannot express enough have important and how much everyone has helped me, even the smallest of things has been brilliant, argh I can’t even explain what I mean lol. I am so so so grateful and I love all my friends ❤

So yeah I am back on track to feeling a bit better. I have emailed someone who knows all about my condition, who works for a charity, who will hopefully be able to help me be seen in a different hospital by an actual proper specialist. I am so excited about this, I just hope things work out!

Um so yeah, just staring at the laptop now, my brain has switched off. Not much planned tomorrow, I do need to get some bloods done, so I may go do that. We shall see how tomorrow pans out. I just can’t wait until Tues when I get paid so I can go and do something and get on with xmas shopping.

Peace out

Batman

I love guided meditation

Ah yes! Sunday this bullshit week is practically over! And I am feeling a bit better then I have done. But that’s mainly down to doing some guided meditation, which really helped to ground me.

A quick catch up –

Saturday –  I actually woke up feeling ok, because I did my metoject injection the night before I was half expecting to feel really poorly but thankfully I felt ok.

I’m sat here trying to remember what I did but I can’t remember. I didn’t feel too great though, I felt really restless. I was trying to relax but I just couldn’t.

By about 1:30 pm I was so restless that I just had to get out. So I took the pups down to Bournemouth beach. It was a really nice walk once I was able to actually get on the beach. There was a marathon thing on, which is great cuz it’s for charity and whatever…BUT it was really fucking difficult to get on and off the beach! I just wanted to fucking walk my dogs! WOW even that was fucking hard work. Whoever organised it, did not do it well! But whilst actually on the beach me and the pups had fun, so least that was good.

Oh I got some bad news in the post…They’ve cancelled my appointment to take my teeth out while I’m asleep…just said due to unforseen circumstances. I have been waiting 10 fucking months for this appointment! I am not impressed. But I have to wait till tomorrow to sort it out.

I didn’t have any dinner, just munched on bits and bobs, I was too tense to eat anything. The stress and the anger of the week had all built up and I was feeling really agitated.

I was in bed by half 10 pm and I knew I needed to do some meditation but I wasn’t able to do it on my own. So I found an app called Stop, Breathe and Think, for guided meditation and it was so good and really relaxed me and I felt all the heaviness go and the anger melt away. I fell asleep pretty much straight away.

Well today I woke up about half 8 am but I felt like I’d actually slept for the first time this week. Had my breakfast and watched tv. I did have a lil nap for a bit which was nice.

My friend text to see if I was up…I was up but only just lol! So I hopped in the shower, got dressed and nipped to the shop to get a few bits and waited for my friend to come over.

We spent the afternoon just chatting and watching films and the x-files. It was nice just to relax and catch up, also it was a really nice day and there’s only been one other day this week that’s actually been good, so 2 out of 7 is ok I suppose lol.

I had my dinner, sorted out all my lists for the week. My list of what I am doing and when, what bills are coming out and when. Then what dinners I am going to cook and this week on the menu is cottage pie, veg and ham risotto and corn beef hash! I cannot wait to eat it all 🙂 I’ve done my shopping list so I know what I need to get too. I am thinking of trying going to Lidl instead of Asda as I know it will be loads cheaper. Will have to see how that goes and whatever I can’t get in there I can go get in Asda.

I am feeling a lot better today, my head is in a much better place. Meditation is so powerful and this app I found is great, definitely going to do it before I go to sleep tonight.

Have a busy-ish day tomorrow, got the housework and laundry to do in the morning, I need to go up to the hospital and get my bloods done and possibly see if I can sort out re-booking my hospital app while I’m there, that will probably be much easier then trying to ring them. I’ll just go to where I went to book it the first time round and take the letter and see what happens.

In the evening I have my trans group social at a cafe called Flirt, that’s always fun, I always look forward to going up there with the pups.

That’s it for tomorrow…I say that’s it but that’s more then enough lol.

Anyway I’m going to wrap this up, as I need to take the pups out before I get to bed and do some guided meditation.

Peace out

Batman

What a nightmare.. :/

Well this week has been utter bullshit. Literally it couldn’t have gone any worse, well it probably could have but hey. I’m glad the week is over and the weekend is here, so I can try again next week. Mind on Wednesday I have to go in hospital to have 2 teeth taken out while I’m asleep.

Thursday – Urgh I felt rough when I woke up but I managed to get myself to group although when I got there I wished I hadn’t gone because I felt so flipping ill, it’s down to the fact I’m only taking my steroids every other night and my body is not liking it. So the day I don’t take my steroids is the day I feel really ill.

I got home, had a nice shower because I was so sweaty and horrible, I put my pjs on and went to sleep for a bit because I was just so flipping tired and felt so ill. But I only slept for about an hour.

Just had a sandwich for dinner as I just wasn’t up for eating anything else.

Took the pups across the road for a wee and a bit of a run as they’d not been out much. But wow that didn’t go well either.. Both the dogs were off their leads and at first we were the only ones there but then we came across some woman with two huge dogs and for some reason scrappy got spooked and ran off and I couldn’t find him anywhere! I was calling him for ages but couldn’t find him, so I headed home as I thought he may have headed that way too. I dropped foxy home and picked up my phone to see if anyone had rang as he’s got my phone number on his tag on his harness. I had a look around by Asda as that’s another place we walk, so he may have gone there. Thankfully I found him tied up just inside the door of Asda! WOW I was so pleased to see him, I cried. Luckily someone we know saw him and picked him and and took him to the shop with him. He found him running about in the road and thank god there was not a scratch on him! I’ve never been so happy to see my boy!

Had lots of snuggles with my boy when I got in and a good cry too. Chatted to some friends and went to bed because I was so achy I needed to rest.

Today hasn’t been so horrible though, although it did take me a while to get to sleep last night and it was a really restless sleep as well, I woke up really sweaty and really hot.

I slept most of the morning as I was still feeling a bit achy and poorly.

Did the housework and laundry as it needed doing. Had a nice shower and got dressed. Had something to eat, while waiting for my parcel to come.

After my parcel had arrived I took the pups up to the heath again, just up out of the way of the majority of the population. We only saw a few people and the pups had a nice time 🙂

Got home, chilled out, had dinner. I went to my brothers for a bit to give Leo his birthday present. I can’t believe he’s one already! it has gone so so fast. I didn’t stay too long though.

I got in and took the pups out for a wee straight away, got back in again and got straight into my pj’s lol and I’ve just been relaxing ever since.

Got my metoject injection tonight and no steroids tonight either..so tomorrow I am going to feel like fucking shit! So I am not looking forward to how crap I am going to wake up feeling in the morning. But I have no plans tomorrow so I can just hibernate for the day.

Well I better go jab myself in the stomach! and get my butt into bed.

Peace out

Batman

Recovering from depression, anxiety and disassociation

So I’ve haven’t written in a few days because I’ve just not been in the mood to write, well I’ve not really been in the mood to do anything at all.

I’ve been in a real funk, I’ve been feeling mega anxious, totally disassociated from everything, depressed, overwhelmed and just feeling totally fucking shit. I’ve struggled to even talk let alone get up and do stuff. But I’ve spent today just relaxing and I did clean the flat so I am feeling a bit better.

I suppose I’ll write a quick catch up.

Fri – I slept well Thurs night, but it took every ounce of energy I had to get up, eat and get showered and dressed. But I did it eventually, I was just in survival mode, totally shut down.

My best friend came over and she treated me to the cinema, we went and saw The Maze Runner – Scorch Trials in 3D. It was so good 🙂 really enjoyed it and for that time the film was on I felt better.

When we got back from the film, we chilled out for a bit and then decided what to do for dinner.

We took the pups down Baiter for a walk, H borrowed a pair of my trainers so her nice white trainers didn’t get wrecked lol. It’s really boggy down there atm, so don’t blame her. It was so nice to go for a walk together and the cinema as we’ve not done that for so so long and I did really enjoy it 🙂 Scrappy had great fun running through the massive puddles and Foxy had fun chasing the birds lol.

H got KFC on the way home and she got me something from there too. We got back, ate and put on a film, but we ended up chatting about stuff which was nice. I’ve really missed hanging out with her just chatting and stuff.

I couldn’t even tell my friend who I’ve been best friends for, for about 15 years now that I self harmed. I just couldn’t, I couldn’t verbalize it at all. I felt really frustrated that I couldn’t tell her either…. But I suppose if I say it out loud it makes it real.

Saturday – I woke up about 9:30am, had something to eat and drink and fell back to sleep until 11 am. We didn’t get to bed till late, so I needed that sleep.

H and I just chilled out for a bit, I eventually got showered and dressed.

H left and I still wasn’t feeling good and I just couldn’t get my head together, so I went to bed for a sleep for nearly 2 hours. I totally needed it though.

I’d said to my brother I’d go over, so I took the pups out, took them home and sorted them out and headed to my brothers.

Had fun playing with the boys and chasing my bro with the nerf guns 🙂

Got home, took the pups for a wee and just sat for a bit. Eventually got to bed.

That brings us back to now… Sunday, rest day.

I’ve spent most of the day either sat down, laying down, sleeping and watching tv. However I did manage to sort myself out and do some housework and laundry. That made me my head feel a bit more sorted then it has been.

So I had decided that I just couldn’t go to London on Tues, not on my own… I was meant to be meeting a friend before the workshop. But things have changed now due to crap circumstances but that’s life. So now I’m not meeting my friend cuz bless him he’s not able to now. I was totally freaking out about it and I had a lot of anxiety about it because it’s not somewhere I’ve been before and London is so busy. But I’ve decided to be a big boy and just do it! Even if that means going by myself. I know I will kick myself if I don’t. I’m 30 years old, I can’t have people holding my hand throughout life. So I’m going to do it, I feel nervous but excited about it again.

I’m feeling tired, drained, just totally exhausted. I do feel happy that I’ve decided to go to London for my workshop at the gender clinic. I think I need a bit more rest to recover from everything. I know I can get back up again. I’ll be ok, I always am because I have to be. I have no idea what it is that keeps me going but whatever it is I hope I never lose it 🙂

That’s all for now,

Peace out

Batman