Self Care

I’ve not written much about self care recently, as after surgery self care was kinda a given. I had to listen to my body and look after myself.

Recently I haven’t been feeling great, I’ve been feeling absolutely exhausted and generally just been feeling unwell, but not enough to definitely say I have an infection or something. It maybe a delayed reaction to surgery. But I see my specialist tomorrow morning so I’m hoping to get more answers.

So because of feeling so exhausted all , I’ve been listening to my body and resting and sleeping when I’ve needed too. Which sometimes is a little frustrating as I feel like I’ve wasted a day. But self care isn’t a waste of time.

Today I’ve been resting and sleeping, as I’ve felt so exhausted. I eventually got up and did the housework which always makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something.

Took the dogs out for a quick wee, it’s been so grey and miserable today. Despite that I decided to go into town. I got myself some frankincense essential oils, as it’s meant to help relax the chest and help with colds and infections. I went to lush to take in my old pots in exchange for a free pot of face mask stuff, I also got myself a shower bomb too. I then went to Asda to get a few things.

I could have easily just gone to Asda, but I knew I needed to get out for a bit. Even if it was just to a couple of places.

I’m pleased I treated myself to some self care things 🙂 It’s important to me to look after myself and my needs. It’s keeps me relatively well, physically and mentally.

It’s important to slow down and listen to what your body needs. You only have one body, there is only one you.

Certain self care aspects of my days are non negotiable, like taking my meds in the morning and evening, making sure I sleep when I need too, eating as and when I feel hungry, putting my incense sticks on in the morning and evening, doing housework every other day, attending appointments. There are more I could list but it would take a while.

I’m feeling pretty exhausted now, so I’m going to wrap it up. I’m not sure this blog will make much sense lol.

Peace out


Anger Issues and Great Friends

Sunday seems to come around quicker every week and wow what a week it’s been.

How would I describe this week? Well this week has been filled with high emotion, mainly anger and frustration, with a bit of crying and some happy days. But the anger was really fucking intense, like I felt like the hulk and just wanted to smash everything. I hate feeling like that though because I feel so out of control and I kinda scare myself is that normal? I don’t know, maybe it is.

My anger issues became worse after my dad died, which is a normal part of the grieving process and it did subside for a while. But since coming out as transgender my anger is a bit of a issue again, some days even smalls things makes my blood absolutely boil and I become angry in an instant.

It’s probably due to a number of things, like having issues with changing my details at my doctors and the fact he took so long to refer me to the gender clinic, which is another battle I have to fight. Then on top of that I am dealing with gender dysphoria, so disassociation from myself, mind and body. The frustration of constantly being misgendered and the fact I can’t bind my chest..yeah the list of frustrations about the transition as it is right now just goes on and on. I know I will be happier in the long run and it will be worth it, but it’s been a massive trigger for me not being able to control my anger. Through all of this crap though I’ve only resorted to cutting once 🙂 which I am proud of because before I did DBT, if faced with a situation like this then I would have just succumbed to my self harm addiction and it would have totally taken over me and I would have had NO control. But because I have done DBT and I have grown as a person, the addiction, my dark passenger is no longer in control of me. I am totally in control of my dark passenger now and he’s never far behind me and he will probably always be with me, but right now my dark passenger has now power, I’ve taken the power back. In two and a half years I’ve only cut once and that’s just a huge thing for me, as at one point in my life I cut every single day. So yeah I have come a hell of a long way and I am extremely proud of myself for that.

I did a course on anger management, not for myself though. I did that course when I was working with young people, so it was about how to work with people with anger issues..anyway I mention this because I think I may still have the paper work some where and it could be useful for me to look at and do some of the worksheets…Might be worth a bash!

I am still doing my mindfulness, although the last few weeks it has been difficult to sit and do because I’ve either been too tired and it’s made me fall asleep or I’ve just not been calm enough or been able to get myself into a place where I have been able to sit and meditate. Next week is a fresh week and I will try again 🙂 I do need some grounding and relaxation, I need to get back into my body and relax my body.

Since my last post I have had 3 good days and I do feel more relaxed and happier then I have done this past few weeks. I love that I have amazing network of friends around me now, a few years ago I didn’t and I would have just sunk. But now with my friends and my groups I can keep myself afloat.

Friday was really busy, the dogs had their haircut in the morning and I had the doctors in the afternoon and I spent 4 hours in the evening baking things for the weekend.

The doctors went ok, I have more antibiotics and if after them I still feel rough then I’ve gotta do a sputum sample and he will refer me back to ears, nose and throat. Also got to mention it to the chest doc tomorrow and see if he has any ideas about what we can do. My gp is going to back me up to the benefits people, as he’s been asked to do a report for ESA. So yeah I am really pleased about that. The last few times I’ve been to see him I’ve been really emotional lol and close to crying, out of sheer frustration. But he’s great and he’s such a lovely GP.

Saturday I did the housework in the morning and in the afternoon I had friends over for Foxy’s birthday party. Which was so much fun, all 4 dogs had a great time playing with each other and eating their little cakes. We also went for a short walk and got home just before it started raining.

H came over for a few hours, which was so great to see her as I know she is really struggling right now. So I really appreciated the fact she came over 🙂

L and Harvey ended up staying the night, so that was cool. We had burger king for dinner and watched Batman films. I let Harvey have a go on my Lego Jurassic world game and he LOVED it lol and asked me to buy it for him, cheeky boy. So I said I might get it for his birthday if he’s a good boy.

After Harvey went to bed, L dyed her hair pink and we put a bit on foxy too lol. Then we watched Sinister 2 🙂 and I had to watch something funny after or I wouldn’t have slept lol!

L and Harvey left early this morning, so I could go nap for a bit. I then got on it like sonic, did the housework, put dinner on in the slow cooker, had a shower and took the pups out for a quick wee.

Then I was all calm and ready for my two friends who came over for dinner. They spent all afternoon until the evening with me, they enjoyed the dinner I made and I really enjoyed cooking it. E had brought over a crumble that she had made and that was so yum. We played the card game that E taught me how to play and I really love it 🙂

So yes a great 3 day which I totally needed, I am extremely blessed to have these people in my life. I hope I lift them up as much as they lift me up.

This week isn’t too busy, I have the hospital tomorrow and group social in the evening, that’s if I feel ok enough. I have my 1:1 gender counselling Tues and Mindout LGBT mental health group social on Thursday and I am hoping to feel well enough to go to my friends boy’s birthday party  on Sunday.

Apart from tomorrows appointment, I am looking forward to this week. I do have lots to sort out, I need to look through my bills and see what I can cut or get down a bit. Need to ring Diverse abilities again to get an appointment with someone to help sort out my ESA. I just need to get super organised and stock up on essentials for me and the pups, in hope to take the pressure off when my money goes down in two weeks from this Tues.

Urgh when I did I get so grown up and have to deal with all this lol! I hate this adult stuff, I want a refund! It is NOT as it was advertised.

How am I feeling right now in this moment after writing this blog? Well I am extremely tired and I wasn’t going to write but I kinda needed too and I feel so much better for it, I always do. I feel happy and I suppose you could say I feel content in this moment, I feel relaxed too. I also feel strong, strong enough to sort my benefits out, strong enough to win this fight. I know there will be times when I won’t feel strong. But in this moment I feel very strong and capable, this is down to cooking for friends this evening, I feel proud of myself for that.

Here are some pics from the last few days

 Me looking and feeling hella fly!

 My beautiful foxy girl after her haircut.


 Foxy, Scrappy and Arnie 🙂

 Benny and Arnie 🙂

Peace out


Christmas and New years madness.

Just sat staring at the laptop not quite sure what to write as it’s been a long but awesome week.

My feet have barely touched the floor because I’ve been so busy but it’s been a good busy and I’ve had great fun with my awesome friends.

So I’ll share with you all what happened for me this Christmas and prove that even with lots of things going on with my health, mental health and gender stuff that life is what you make it and I put things in place to make sure Christmas was a good one.

Christmas eve morning, I spent cleaning up the flat. I was so tired though lol, I kept sitting down and nearly falling back to sleep. The sinus infection is definitely taking it out of me.

Me and the pups got picked up and went to a friends house, we had such a good laugh, good food an good company. We played card games too which was so fun 🙂 We did secret Santa which was fun too. It over all was an amazing Christmas eve and I am so blessed to have such amazing ladies in my life ❤ They were both very naughty and got me a present each which I wasn’t allowed to open until Christmas day.

When I got home my bro text me to say mother had dropped presents over his for me and I was so buzzing, feeling so good. So I decided to walk over to his to pick the presents up.

N was at my door when I got back from my brothers so that was cool 🙂 I opened up my presents from mother and for the first time since I changed my name to Dyllan which is nearly 7 years ago now, this was even before gender stuff, mother put Dyllan in my Christmas card and on my presents… wtf! So telling her I don’t want to speak to her and she’s finally being respectful! and she got me something I actually like. I did text to thank her and we had a nice conversation, but yeah I am still going to be cautious with her I think…I don’t really know what to do with the whole situation, its all so messed up. So yeah..urgh whatever!

Christmas day morning, for some reason the dogs woke up at 7 am, I asked N what the fuck the time was and just rolled over and went back to sleep until nearly 9 am which is a much more reasonable hour then fucking 7 am lol!

We got up and had breakfast, watched tv and just chilled out for a bit. Then we did PRESENTS! eeeek! I was super excited. I bought N some presents 🙂 and I open the presents from J and E and WOW omg! I was pretty much jumping off the walls with excitement, J had got me a Lego display case for my Lego mini figures 😀 and E got me Lego Jurassic world! OMG! like wow, I have the best friends ever and they know me so well 😀 I was so so chuffed, I couldn’t get over it. I’m sat smiling ear to ear now thinking about it.

I then opened up all the presents I got for the cats and the dogs 🙂 and needless to say they didn’t waste any time in playing with their new presents, they got so much. I love spoiling my beautiful fur babies ❤

After cleaning up all the wrapping paper, which Harley was having fun jumping in, I sorted out dinner. I did a beef casserole in the slow cooker 🙂 Then had myself a shower and put on my new T-shirt and socks from N. I love the feeling of new clothes.

The weather was so awful all day long, so we couldn’t take the pups for a walk like I normally do, so I was a bit gutted about that. It was just too cold, windy and wet and it would have be so so muddy out. We did still take the pups across the road for a wee and a little run, we managed to catch a dry patch in between the rain.

N and I spent the rest of the day relaxing, watching tv, nearly falling asleep lol and playing Uno. Christmas day well spent if you ask me.

N went home earlier then planned which was fine, I know when I don’t feel well all I want to do is sleep and relax at my own home. She’s got so much going on with her health, so it’s all totally understandable, I just wish I could do something to help.

I spent all evening getting stuck into my new game 😀 I love it so much, such a great game. I can’t stop playing it.

I can’t remember what time I went to bed but I know it was way past midnight lol!

So boxing day I woke up about 9 am and got on with the housework and prepared our nice turkey dinner. I did a large turkey breast in the slow cooker, I put veg at the bottom and some stock, on high for 4 hours.

H came over at lunch time, it was nice to hang out for a bit before L and the boys came over and all the madness began.

L and the boys came over about 1pm I think. I made everyone wait for just over an hour before we did presents. Harvey sat playing games on his phone with H and me and boo were playing with his dinosaurs that he got for Christmas and of course he wanted to play fight with his myllan lol.

We did presents. Albert and Harvey were both so good waiting nicely for their next presents. Harvey loved the game I got him, I knew he would. L spoilt me and the pups and the cats 🙂 eep ❤ she got me loads! L and H loved their presents I got them, so pleased. I love giving people presents ❤

Albert got into his new Thomas onsie and I got aged 4-5 years and it only JUST fits his big butt lol! He’s 2 years old! he’s so huge. He will probably only fit in that this winter and then it will be far too small.

The boys and I were play fighting, piggy backing and just generally messing about lol.

I sorted out dinner, Albert was watching me peel the veg which was cute, he was chatting away to me. It took me a bit longer then anticipated to get it all ready and cooked but man it was so nice if I do say so myself 🙂 and everyone ate as much as they could, well apart from boo cuz he just couldn’t stay awake lol.

Considering it was my first ever turkey roast I had cooked, it went well. It was so flipping exhausting but it was definitely made easier by having my stool to sit on, I think it would have killed me if I didn’t have my stool.

After a short sleep, I woke boo up so that he would eat before he went to bed. He ate a bit of his dinner which was good but as its Christmas I let him have some pringles and sweets 🙂 which made him a happy boy. No point force feeding him something that he doesn’t want, cuz it will cause issues with food later on in life. So yeah he pretty much ate a whole tub of pringles lol and some sweets.

Put boo to bed about 8 pm, although he was not happy about it lol. But after some cuddles with me he eventually settled down to sleep.

H left at some point…I can’t remember what time lol. But it was great to have spent a awesome boxing day with her. We’ve been best friends for like 10 years maybe longer, couldn’t imagine my life without her now. She’s been so amazing to me over the years ❤ and I am looking forward to another 10 years plus being best buds.

Harvey went to bed with no problem, I always give him a count down to the time he’s got to go to bed. Makes it easier but to be fair he’s always good for me.

Ah peace…well sort of lol. Just me and L, 2 cats and 3 crazy ass dogs. We watched some films and chatted, ate sweets and just chilled out. It was a great way to end a lovely day 🙂

L went to bed just gone 1 am after we watched the film Kinky boots but I didn’t get to sleep until 2 am, as I can’t sleep straight away, I need to relax and unwind before I sleep.

Boo boo got L and I up at 6 am…WOW 4 hours sleep! I just put his new Thomas dvd on for him and tired to get him to cuddle up on the sofa with us but he wasn’t having it. But L and I was nodding on and off on the sofa together lol. I think Harvey got up at 8 am and by that point that’s it I was up lol.

We spent all morning watching films 🙂 L helped me clean up, so that was nice as the place was a flipping tip lol.

I was about to get in the shower and Albert asked where I was going and I said I’m getting a shower and he said “me shower too?” So I said yeah if you want too. So boo boo sat on my stool in the shower and I washed him, then washed myself. He kept playing with my belly button lol, which he’s always done since he was small.

L had a shower and Harvey got dressed, lil smell bag doesn’t really like having a shower he’s a bit scared of it.

I took down the Christmas tree and decorations! AH! much better lol. I don’t mind having my tree up 2 weeks before Christmas but as soon as it’s all over I just want them down.

Helped L get her and the boys sorted to go home. I walked them to the bus stop, as boo hasn’t got a push chair at the moment so he’s hard work to cross the road, mind Harvey is as well because he has no road sense at all.

When I got back I took the pups out for a wee and run. Then spent all afternoon playing Lego Jurassic world.

I had an early night, because I hurt all over and I was just so exhausted.

28th – I slept really well and didn’t wake up till about 10 am, which is late for me. I must have needed it though.

My bro, sister in law and nephew popped over for a bit. Leo was in his brand new car he got for Christmas 🙂 so cute. Was nice to see them all.

I took the pups for a walk in the afternoon because they hadn’t been out for a proper walk in a few days. It was cold and windy but was nice to get out in the fresh air.

Bumped into some friends on the way home and K needed to charge his phone, so I said he could pop back to mine for a bit. So we hung out for most of the afternoon, went to town to try find some new trainers but couldn’t, but I did spend my game voucher H got me and got the Back to the Future level pack for my Lego dimensions game.

Spent the evening playing Lego Jurassic world and I completed the main story line already. It’s just so awesome and I can’t stop playing it!

29th – I slept until 9 am 🙂 yay my sleep is getting better.

My friend text me to say she was on her way…yeah I wasn’t even a little bit ready lol! So I jumped up and got my butt into gear and did the housework. I managed to do most of it before she came which was good, I only had to clean the balcony and get a shower. It was good though because it made me get up and get going because other wise I probably could have fallen back to sleep lol.

After I got showered and dressed, we went into town. I paid my rent and we looked in a shop and I got myself a new Batman t-shirt with my Christmas money. I treated us both to Burger King for lunch, which we ate at mine.

H-A drove me and the pups over to Hamworthy park were we had a nice walk and Scrappy the crazy pup went for a swim in the sea lol! We both got some great pictures 🙂

We popped into see H-A’s auntie and her dogs which was awesome 🙂 had a good giggle.

I was absolutely shattered when I got in! So I snuggled up on the sofa with the pups just relaxing, watching tv.

Had some beef casserole for dinner, as there was 3 portions left over after Christmas day. So nice easy dinner, only had to heat it up.

E came over in the evening for a few hours, Foxy was beside herself as usual. She loves E so so much. I showed E my game she got me and the Lego dimensions games and I made her a nice Spanish hot chocolate 🙂 It was nice to hang out with her, she’s so lovely.

Did my usual nightly routine, of taking my meds and taking the pups for a wee.

And now we are on today 🙂 30th Dec, I cannot believe that tomorrow is the last day of 2015! It’s gone so fast its totally insane.

So today I have rested and looked after my needs. I slept until gone 11 am, had a shower and got dressed. Took the pups out for a wee and went to the shop to get something for dinner and a few other odd bits I needed like cereal and stuff.

Luckily I went out when I did because when I got back it started raining so hard and it hasn’t really stopped since! So after I had lunch I spent all from half 2 and finally stopped for dinner at 5 pm. I could have played for longer but I was hungry, I had a nice chicken breast, roast veg and roast potatoes with cheese sauce! YUM! Haven’t cooked that for a while, definitely doing that again soon.

I have spent all evening writing this blog lol! I kept having to look at my FB to see what happened and when! The week between Christmas and New years always completely throws me and I have no idea who I am, what day it is, where I am, what I am doing! Just totally lost lol. Can’t wait for it all to get back to normal, so I know where I am.

Tomorrow I am spending New years with H and Harvey and the pups will have their best buddy Arnie to play with. Going to have pizza hut for dinner as a treat for us all 🙂 will probably end up playing games and maybe watching films. Said to Harvey he can stay up as late as he can, so we shall see if he can make it until midnight 🙂 so it should be a good night. I’d much prefer to stay in with friends then go out.

2015 has been such a crazy ass year! It’s had lots of up and lots of down and 5 broken bones! I leave 2015 as a guy and a strong guy, I start a new year being more me then I’ve ever been before and I am looking forward to starting my new journey towards becoming the man I know I can be.

I don’t really have any goals for 2016 other then to continue on the path to becoming my true self and to continue to learn about myself and ways to self care and improve myself and be the best me I can be. That’s all I can ask of myself, especially as my health is so unpredictable and I don’t really know where next year will take me health wise. So we shall see.

I started 2015 weighing 11 stone 11 pounds and I am leaving 2015 weighing 8 stone 11 pounds! and that is all down to coming down off the Quetiapine from 400 mgs to 50 mgs. I have managed my bipolar with all the skills I learnt at DBT and guided meditation has been a life saver. I start the day with meditation and end the day with meditation and I feel so much calmer for it. I feel brilliant for being on such a low dose, I don’t feel as drugged up and I feel so great for losing so much weight.

Well that’s all for me, I may do a short post tomorrow. But if not I shall see you all in 2016 🙂 I hope you have a great New years, stay safe and have fun.

Peace out


8 day old post

A 8 day old post that I just didn’t share for some reason…

Two weeks of no methotrexate and I am doing ok 🙂 I feel a bit more energetic which is odd but I am not sure if it is the bipolar or from not being on the methotrexate, its hard to tell the difference sometimes. It could be the bipolar as I have been feeling quite agitated recently.

Stomach is feeling much better, apart from a small sore patch but I think that is from an injection. But apart from that I can eat and it stays in! woohoo lol.

I am still waiting for an email from someone who will be able to help me get seen by a proper specialist in Southampton hospital.

But yeah generally doing much better then I was 🙂 just trying to make sure that I look after myself.

I have stopped making myself eat and sleep when “normal” people eat and sleep because my body is just not in a “normal” routine at all and trying to sleep from say 11 pm until 8 am and eat 3 meals a day is just not working for me at all and is actually quite stressful and I think maybe that is why I’ve been feeling agitated.

I’ve still been struggling to sleep so I’ve decided to sleep as and when I am sleepy, rather then forcing myself to sleep throughout the night because I am wide awake most mornings by 5 am, some days I just rest in the afternoon or I may nap it just depends.

Same with food I’ve been really struggling with eating again and I’ve not been eating proper meals purely because that’s not what my body is really wanting. So at the moment I’ve just been eating sandwiches.. not the best thing ever but I’ve tried to eat soup an other stuff but I’ve just not eaten it because just the thought of eating anything other then what I am makes me feel’s all very weird an complicated. But yeah just going with what my body wants rather then fighting against it and making myself feel stressed.

Peace out


Gender clinic letter! woohoo!

Only 10 pm and I am totally ready for bed already lol, I am just SO rock and roll on a Saturday night :p after I’ve written this I may do some colouring, depending on how I feel, because right now I am tired and really achy…..but that’s nothing new lol.

So I’ll catch up a bit,

Fri – Well I didn’t get to sleep until nearly 3 am but I woke up at 9:30 am, just had a wee, had breakfast and watched a bit of TV before going back to bed from 11 am -1 pm lol, I totally needed it though.

I cleaned the flat, I managed to do it by myself. Although I totally overdid it and my arm killed so so much. But I felt better for the flat being clean.

Got a letter from the gender clinic Charing Cross 😀 EEEEEK! They got my referral and they have offered me a place to do a workshop there which is cool and not far off either. The waiting list is 13 months, I am so freaking excited! WOOHOO!

H came over for a bit before her app, I didn’t get showered and dressed until she left and after I took the pups across the road for a run and met H there after her app. Dropped the pups home and went to the shop, I treated myself to a Batman birthday cake! 🙂 I’ve been feeling so crappy and in pain that I fucking well deserve CAKE!

We both chilled out, had takeaway for dinner again 🙂 but we both totally deserve it after all we’ve been through this year. We watched a film too which was cool.

H left after the film and I walked a bit of the way with her to take the pups for a wee.

Chilled out for a bit and tried to write but I couldn’t concentrate so I just took my meds, did my injection and went to sleep and I had a good sleep just under 12 hours lol!

So back to this rocking Saturday, I woke up at 11 am! I almost never sleep that long any more without waking up a billion times in between. Think this is my first really decent nights sleep since starting the lowered dose of quetiapine. I did feel better for it energy wise but pain wise it didn’t make any difference.

Chilled out watching friends for a bit, then got my butt into gear and had a shower, got dressed and took the pups to meet L and the boys.

We all went to Baiter park and played about in the tree’s lol 🙂 we weren’t there long but it was really fun.

Came back to mine for a bit, I took Harvey out for an hour and I took him to the comic shop but it was shut, so I treated him to some toys instead and I got boo some cars, I got L some Vindaloo and yoghurt chocolate. Love treating them all 🙂

I treated us all to a pizza hut for dinner 😀 it was so yum and we all enjoyed it. Had some cake after too. YUM so glad my appetite is good at the moment.

After L and the boys left I just watched tv for a bit and filled out some forms for the gender clinic and written stuff on my calender for September 🙂 So I know what bills are coming out when and what I’m meant to be doing when so I don’t forget.

Just been relaxing this evening, well trying too. I can’t seem to get comfortable at all, my legs and back are really sore, along with the rest of my body. I can’t wait to jump into bed and sleep, also can’t wait to spend tomorrow just by myself. I so need a day to myself just to chill and do nothing.

Physically I feel like shit everything really hurts and I don’t seem to be getting any relief at all from my tramadol, which is really fucking shitty! If this carries on into next week then I will book in to see my GP cuz I can’t cope with this much longer.

Mentally I’m ok just drained by everything, but my letter from the gender clinic did lift my mood quite a bit. Still struggling with everything but I think that’s normal with everything I am dealing with right now.

Some pictures from the last few days

 Meeee, look at those bruised legs lol

 me and my Mr Scrappy doodles

 Bruised elbow near the fracture

 Swollen painful hand

 Mr Doodles 🙂

 My gorgeous Foxy girl

 Happy Foxy girl

 Cats playing with their new toy 🙂

 Found a Harvey in the tree lol

 Boys playing

 Foxy girl didn’t want to play lol bless her. It was cold and raining.

Peace out


Re-charged and a happy chilled out boy

Ahhhhhhh I am feeling rested and recharged 🙂 I have had the entire weekend to myself and I have chilled right out.

Saturday I was meant to spend with L and the boys but sadly poor Harvey was being sick all day bless him. So I spent most of the day sleeping, I didn’t have a shower, I played lots of Lego Batman 3 and generally just chilled out. It was so nice and definitely needed.

Today has been pretty much the same, although I did clean up a bit, did some laundry too and made myself a baked potato in the slow cooker for my dinner, which was really nice. I completed the main story of Lego Batman 3! Whoop! just got to go back through it all to get all the trophies and stuff. This evening I took the pups for a walk along our usual route, which was so nice.

I totally needed to rest and recharge and just have some me time. I’ve had a great week and I love being with my friends and family but I do need the balance and have some Dyllan time too.

I start my 1:1 gender identity counselling on Tues and I’ll be having a 1:1 once a fortnight, so really looking forward to that 🙂

Ooh I took a great video on Saturday of Scrappy and Harley playing together, it’s so so cute! He’s so gentle with her, he’s such a good boy. And I got a picture of Marley and Harley together on the cat post just relaxing 🙂 I’m so glad they all get along so well, I love my lil fur babies ❤

Don’t think I have much planned tomorrow other then group social in the evening. Gives me time to play with my Lego 🙂 lol.

I am just feeling really good, nice and relaxed. I’m feeling quite tired tonight so I am really hoping I won’t wake up a few times. But I am just thinking that it’s a summer thing, I often have trouble sleeping all night in the summer. Trying not to stress to much about it, as long as I am able to catch up on the sleep then it’s not too bad.

That is all from me, the Lego Movie is now over. I may put on a short Lego Batman movie 🙂

Peace out


Bro day :)

*YAWN* I am one tired boy once again but I’ve had a busy day 🙂 definitely not going to write much tonight because I need my beauty sleep lol.

I had a good start to the week, well apart from the small interruption of the mothership coming over for a short while. I slept for most of the morning, not getting out of bed until nearly midday. That is just how every Monday morning should start for all people! lol. I then spent a few hours sweating my butt off cleaning up the flat and I kept going off track and ended up sorting through my clothes…again and some drawers. I keep things I that I no longer need/use/wear etc but I hate getting rid of stuff but every now and again I feel ruthless and I get rid of stuff.

Ooh I had my perching stool delivered, which is for the kitchen. So that will help make cooking and doing the washing up much easier for me, so I am really pleased that it came.

The mothership came over for a bit, I just tolerated her presence. I was glad when she left though. My brother said to me today that he text our mum asking when she was going to take her son’s out for a drink and my bro said she didn’t even reply. Which doesn’t surprise me lol, I know she isn’t happy about me being trans* but I don’t care in the slightest what she thinks.

I went to Flirt for the trans* group social 🙂 I didn’t take the pups as I wanted to eat dinner in peace. I had mac n cheese and man it was soooo nice! I’ll definitely be eating that again. It was a good group, had a good giggle. Not to mention the graphic content of M-F lower surgery details lol but it’s all very interesting how they do these operations.

Got home to my happy puppies and kitties 🙂 we had snuggles on the sofa for a bit. I took the pups out for a pee before hoping into bed.

I slept ok-ish last night, took a while to get off to sleep because it was so sticky and hot last night and I was really achy too. Woke up a few times for about 20 mins but woke up properly about 10 am I think.

I met up with my brother and Leo in town, I paid my rent and got electric. I got my brother his birthday present, I got him to pick out what he wanted as he was with me. My bro did a bit of shopping too, we decided to go halves on getting Jack Jack a big Lego set for his birthday next month 🙂 can’t wait, something we can all sit and do together.

We came back to mine to chill for a bit and I feed Leo his lunch, he had a whole jar and fruit lol, lil piggy! He had a lil snooze too. Took him to a lil park near mine for a little bit, which was nice. I went on the swing too which made Leo laugh lol 🙂

After the park I got me and my bro burger king for lunch, cuz we were hungry boys!

Went to another shop cuz my bro needed milk and bread, I got my Leo two new tops 🙂 and I bought myself some cool ninja turtles boxers! lol. We picked up the pups and my bro picked up his shopping and we walked to his place. I changed Leo’s butt and put him in his new top for mummy to see 🙂

My bro dropped me and the pups at the vets on his way to pick up K. Pups had a good vets app, the nurse is pleased that scrappy tolerated the worming stuff and I booked foxy in for her booster jab in two weeks time. But yeah she’s happy with both of them 🙂 ooh and there were so many little puppies coming in for their 1st jabs eeek, made me soooo broody for another puppy lol! But I am totally happy with my two pups.

After the vets I went back over to my brothers, played with Leo and fed him his dinner and pudding. Me and my bro were playing Lego Jurassic world, I kept hogging it though 😀 it was SO good. I really want it. K made me a sandwich for my dinner, I wasn’t hungry but I did need to eat something, so a sandwich filled a hole. Just had a cool chilled out evening with them, we were going to go down the Quay for bike night but my bro felt a bit funny cuz his sugars went low then no one could be bothered after that lol.

I dropped the pups home and quickly went to the shops to get a few bits of food shopping that will last me for a few days. My appetite is non existent again, I’ve been drinking more then I’ve been eating. I can’t figure out why my appetite is so all over the place but I’ve been thinking back to when I was younger and how I used to eat then and it’s not really changed much, I’ve always preferred to eat little then often then to sit down to eat a meal. I’ve set myself a goal and that is to eat at least one proper cooked meal once a week, so at least then I am getting what I need a little bit. It’s really hard to do a big food shop as I don’t know what I want from one day to the next, so just doing it bit by bit, so there’s less waste of food too.

Ooops I’ve rambled on a bit lol! No solid plans for tomorrow, I maybe having Leo for a bit so my brother can have some peace or we may take Leo out together, depends on how we are both feeling. But I’ll be looking forward to whatever happens tomorrow 🙂

I love that we are getting so close now and I am loving spending time with Leo and getting to spend a bit more time with Jack Jack.

Peace out


A lil irritable

Ahhh I keep getting distracted by the pups, cat and the tiny kitten that keeps meowing at me lol! It’s now gone midnight so I better crack on as I’ve got to get up early tomorrow to take foxy girl to get her haircut.

I’m just trying to think what the heck happened today lol, I woke up early but was still tired so I had breakfast and went back to bed until a more reasonable hour then 6 am.

Chilled out for a bit but time was getting on so had to get my butt up and clean the flat up, oh and get showered and dressed before my O.T came over lol. But I always feel good when the place is looking tidy. Harley didn’t like the hoover lol, she ran and hid under the sofa till I finished, bless her.

My O.T (occupational therapist) arrived about 12:30 pm and she didn’t leave till 2:15 pm lol. She was so nice and we ended up just chatting about everything which was cool. I actually know her son, he was the year below me at school, such a small world. Anyway she is going to order me the perching stool for the kitchen and I will get that Mon at the latest which is cool, but the corner stool that she thinks will be best for the shower is something the don’t stock so she has to take that to the team meeting on Tues to put the case forward, but she said it shouldn’t be a problem. It will just take a bit longer which sucks a bit as I’m so desperate for it but least the ball is rolling now 🙂

After she left I went into town, got some electric and paid my rent. I used my love to shop voucher to go towards a ring that I’ve had my eye on, so I treated myself to that 🙂 I went to Primark and bought a cool Batman wallet, a Jaws vest top and just a plain vest top. I had my shopping list with me and ended up getting all the non food bits I needed in poundland, they had everything I needed and worked out cheaper then getting it in Asda.

So I dropped my shopping home and went to do my food shopping and had to order some meds as well. Got everything I needed and I may have a little bit accidentally bought Leo a Batman pj set lol 😀 and I got myself Maze runner on dvd, it’s such a good film.

I got ambushed by my happy puppies when I got home lol, which I love coming home too 🙂 unpacked the shopping and shoved it all away. Then chilled and watched friends for a bit before having some dinner again, I’m happy that I’ve been eating a bit more then I have been, I feel less dizzy all the time.

After dinner I felt so tired, so I laid out on the sofa with the pups just watching friends still. I was thinking that maybe I would have a lil snooze but I felt restless at the same time so ended up getting back up. My nan and grandad popped over for 10 mins with some beetroot and potatoes that they’ve grown in their allotment, so that’s pretty cool and can’t wait to try them.

The pups were restless and I was tired but restless…so I took them out for a walk. It was ok but it started to rain and it was freaking cold! I come over feeling really irritable and grumpy so didn’t really enjoy the walk at all just wanted to go home.

My mood has picked up a bit this evening and I feel less easily irritated and grumpy. But I suppose I can’t be happy 24/7 lol, as soon as my mood changes I jump straight on it and analyze the shit out of it and my brain just goes into over drive when it really doesn’t need to but I can’t help it. Anyway when I got in I got straight onto the laptop and I’ve been distracted away from the fuzz that was going around in my head. I do feel like I just need one whole day of doing nothing, not even getting dressed, so I am hoping I can do that at some point this week *fingers*crossed* I need it so I don’t burn out or piss someone off by accident.

My chest is still a bit tight and chesty so I’m going to try and do another sputum sample this week and I’m hoping I don’t need another round of antibiotics….but I may well do. I also need to go back to the hand therapist as my fingers are still quite sore and my little finger is bent as fuck and I cannot straighten it! So I need to book another appointment with them.

Tomorrow morning foxy is off to the groomers so she will be able to see again lol, need to pick up food for the pups and the cats while I’m near the pet shop that holds the more natural food I get them. The cats food is good because I can give it to both Marley and Harley without having to give Harley separate kitten food, she can eat what Moo eats which is a money saver lol. I’ve also caught Harley eating the dogs kibble lol! she will eat whatever! She keeps jumping onto my plate while I’m trying to eat my dinner, she kept stealing my bacon bits lol. I digress lol so after that my bro wants to meet up so don’t know what we’ll be doing but should be a good afternoon 🙂

Ooops it’s gone 1 am, I am SOOOO not going to want to get up tomorrow.. :/ well better get this posted and my lil butt off to bed 🙂

Peace out


Happy boy :) catching up

Monday again! Last week was really busy and I was hoping to just chill all day today but I am currently on uncle duties watching lil Leo while my bro takes his gf to be sedated to have a tooth out. Leo is happily sat on the floor playing, so thought I’d get on my bro’s laptop and write as that’s what I was just about to do before he text me. But I love spending time with my lil chub (Leo) he’s so happy and easy to look after.

Thursday – I had a nice chilled out morning and headed out to group in the afternoon.

Group was good we went over the coming out model which is so interesting, can’t wait to go through the rest.

After group I met L and the boys at Flirt, I sorted through her post for her as she gets anxious opening her post so I said that once a week I would help her out. We had a quick look in a couple of shops and then we walked down to the sea front and we took turns in taking Harvey on a small roller coaster called crazy mouse. He was so scared to start with but once he did it one time he kept asking to go again and again lol.

After I got home I had some dinner and then took the pups out for a walk, I had to get up and go out before I fell asleep lol. But it was a really nice walk and they enjoyed it. I went to bed not long after we got in because I was just so tired.

Friday – Had a nice lazy morning, I slept for most of it. I really needed it after a long hot busy week.

I had something to eat, got dressed and headed out to the tattoo shop to get some more work on my back piece done. Ah it was so cool and needed, I love being tattooed. Can’t wait for my chest surgery so I can show it off when its all finished by walking around topless 🙂 I stayed there for a bit chatting about my transition and how they perform the operations and how hormones will change me etc and they all said that I seem much happier now, it’s cool they notice what I feel.

I got home, cleaned up the flat and sorted the beds out for boo and Harvey. I had my dinner again which I am proud of myself about, it’s only a little bit of dinner but it is definitely a step up from just eating yoghurts all day.

L came with the boys and Arnie, she dropped off her bits and we sat across the road watching the pups playing and the boys had a run about. Got back and gave boo a quick bath before putting him down to sleep. I took Harvey down to the shop because I needed to get a bit of shopping and I bought him a magazine and some sweets. He went to bed not long after we got in as it was nearly 9 pm.

Finally L and I could just chill out, she wanted the side of her head shaved and I said I’d done it before….but didn’t tell her not from scratch lol! But it was good fun and I actually did a pretty good job if I do say so myself! It looks freaking awesome! L had a shower and then I tried to section off her hair as its pink, purple and blue and it all needed doing again. Felt like a barber lol, kept having to wash my hands because they were all sweaty.

We had a huge thunder storm! It started off further away and then it came and it was right over us, the thunder was so loud and the lightening was amazing! loads of fork lightening. It poured down with rain as well, it went on for about an hour or so. It was totally epic! just so huge. Non of the pups or Miss Marley were even bothered by it all lol, scrappy and arnie kept coming out on the balcony with us. I remembered that the bedroom window was open, so I kept checking to see if the boys were asleep and they were both sound asleep, didn’t make a peep lol. I love watching storms so much, so beautiful and scary at the same time.

I think we went to bed at nearer to 1 am, but it was a fun night 🙂

Saturday – Boys got us up early lol, only about 8 am so not too bad. Just chilled out for half the morning. My friend W and her lil girl popped over to drop off my new kitty Harley, ah I fell in love straight away, she so teeny tiny and so vocal and just an utter lil stunner. Everyone had cuddles with her and I put her on the cat post up out of the way from the pups.

L got her and the boys ready as she wanted to look in a few shops in town, so she went out and did her bits first. I stayed to tidy up the flat a bit, got showered and dressed and then met her in town with the pups after she’d finished shopping.

We walked over to Baiter green and we sat there for a few hours, while the pups and the boys played about. We also went down to the sea for a paddle, scrappy went for a swim and Arnie and Foxy just watched lol. But it was a really lush afternoon 🙂 so relaxing.

Got in and watched Assault on Arkham, a batman film with the suicide squad. L took Harvey to get fish and chips for their dinner, I gave Albert a bath and let him run about nakey to get a bit of air to his bits. They had their chips and I had my dinner of potato salad, coleslaw, croutons, bacon bits, ham and cheese. It’s so yummy and light enough for my stomach to take. Boy’s had a play and then it was bed time for boo, who was tired and pretty much just went straight to sleep. We all watched another Batman film called under the red hood and after that it was bed time for Harvey 🙂

L and I chilled out, watched more Batman films. We put pink dye on foxy girl and blue on Scrappy’s chest. They look so freaking cool! L did my hair half blue and half purple lol just for a bit of fun. Had such a good laugh that evening 🙂 hehe. And again we didn’t get to bed till gone midnight and both of us were absolutely covered in dye lol! I slept in just vest and boxers with no blanket on all night because it was so muggy and sticky.

Sunday – Boy’s were on the go early again, me and L were so shattered lol. Just had a chilled out morning, L got their bits together and I was tidying up too. L took Harvey swimming while I looked after boo as he was feeling under the weather a bit. I carried on tidying up, hoovered up, put Harvey’s bed away, had a shower and got dressed. I went down to Asda with boo and got him some cars and I got myself some bits of shopping that I needed. We just chilled out he was playing with the pups and I was watching tv.

L and Harvey got back, she fed her and the boys, I had my lunch. Boo was tired so he went down for a nap and L went in for a nap after he was asleep for a bit. I was watching Batman animated films with Harvey, I did try to nap but he kept talking to me and the animals were all going crazy lol. I keep taking Harley to the litter tray and to her food and water, just to show her where it all is. The pups are a bit scared of her and she’s scared of them too and Marley won’t go near her lol but they will all get used to her soon. L came back in the lounge, so I nipped across the road with all the pups for 20 mins just so they could have a little run and pee and poop. It was still quite hot out there which is one reason I didn’t stay out there for too long.

I helped L get the boys stuff together, I but the travel cot down, put washing on and generally just tidied up after them all lol. They left just after half 4 pm to get their bus home, it’s so so quiet after they’ve all gone and I do miss them. I wish they lived much closer so I could just pop over whenever. But L really wants to move down this way so fingers crossed it will be a reality at some point 🙂

I had my dinner and then crashed out for 2 hours lol, I was just so tired. Usually on a Saturday morning I sleep until lunch before of how tired the metoject makes me but I didn’t this Saturday so by the time it was quiet, the animals had settled and I had sat down I could no longer keep my eyes open lol and just zonked out, I totally needed it though.

Chilled out in the evening, watching tv and I did go on the laptop and updated my charts on PLM (patientslikeme) and chatting to friends on fb, replied to some threads on PLM. But as it got later I just didn’t have the concentration to do any more and I just went to bed.

And now we are and Monday! Phew..taken me ages to write, had to stop to change Leo’s stinky butt, feed him lunch and put him down for a nap. He’s awake again now 🙂 just sat playing with his toys on the floor.

I was just relaxing this morning, playing with the pups and the kitty 🙂 Then my bro text asking if I can come over to have lil man, so I got myself showered and dressed and sorted out the animals and walked over.

Had a phone call a moment ago from adult social services and they are coming over tomorrow afternoon to assess me and the flat and my needs 🙂 so hopefully I will get the equipment I need to make it easier for me to have a shower and a perching stool for the kitchen.

Anyway I shall post some pictures when I am back on my laptop

Peace out


I’ve been a poorly boy. Also #LoveWins

So the last few days have not been cool! But I am on the mend and on the up once again..mostly.

Wednesday was rough I couldn’t get going, I managed to get to my hospital appointment at the hospital 4 mins late…but I got there. And ended up being there for 2 freaking hours! Had another x-ray on my teeth, did all the pre-op stuff and hopefully I will get a date soon to get two teeth out under general anesthetic.

My bro picked me up, went to see his new place for a bit. Went with him to pick up his gf from work and we sat by the sea in the car for a bit, which was nice.

All afternoon though I was NOT feeling good, I kept feeling sick but I thought that was because I didn’t eat much. As the day went on my stomach pains got so bad, I couldn’t eat any dinner. I was in agony! spent all night up and down with a bad stomach from both ends 😥 and eventually settled to sleep.

So yeah that’s Erythromycin making me feel so ill…so after a few phone calls with my GP (Thursday) he said I can try Azithromycin to get rid of this infection. Need to pick it up from the chemist and give it a bash.

Thursday I spent most of the day sleeping and just resting. I was SO gutted I had to miss group though 😦 but I felt so so rough. I managed to get to the shops to get myself a few bits, lucozade, crackers and some other stuff I needed. Also managed to shave my hair off number 1 all over cuz it was pissing me off and had a nice refreshing shower 🙂 and I managed to take the pups across the road for an hour in the evening. I did keep some food and drink in me as well so that was good. A pretty boring rough day but I got through it.

Today has been ok, my stomach still feels a lil sore but I think I pulled my stomach muscles when I was sick and I’m probably still a bit hungry, I’ve only managed to eat a little today but I’ll get back on track.

I slept ok-ish, I was up early but I fell asleep on the sofa for a bit. Cleaned up the entire flat and did 4 loads of washing. Had a nice shower and took pups across the road for a run before I went out with my Bro and step dad to the pub for a quick drink for my step dads birthday which was really nice.

Chilled out watching Friends for a bit, played 3 hours of Lego Batman 3, had some dinner..literally like a few bites lol watched OITNB (Orange is the new black)

The pups were bugging me, jumping on me and just generally trying to get my attention lol! So I ended up taking them for a for and we were out for an hour and a half, it was really nice to get out and the pups loved it and they’ve been sleeping for ages now 🙂

Just be catching up online, watching OITNB and writing this 🙂

It’s nearly 1 am now and I am feeling so much better then I have done the last 2 days 🙂 nothing can beat this boy!

Tomorrow I am going to my lil cousins 6th Birthday party BBQ late afternoon so should be fun.

I am so proud of the USA! Equal marriage for all in all 50 states! History has been made #lovewins

Peace out