Shining light

It’s been a few weeks since I last wrote anything and I’m feeling less angry and frustrated then I was in my last blog.

I took the decision to up my trazadone again to help me sleep better and hopefully help me feel less depressed and so far I’m sleeping a better most nights and I’m starting to feel a little better too. I don’t feel so hopeless and so lost in the darkness, I still don’t feel great but I can see the shimmer of light at the end of the darkness, I’ve just got to keep reaching out for it.

I’ve been trying to make little changes to my daily life, that will help continue to make me feel a bit better and to prepare myself for the winter months. Each year I struggle with my mood during the winter and every year it really hits me, so I’ve been trying to prepare myself so its not going to be so much of a shock when it rolls around.

I have written up a rough plan of things to do day to day, some of these things are non negotiable, like take my meds in the morning and evening, getting to bed at a reasonable time things like that. But also to get outside for at least 30 mins each day, especially when the clocks change. As some days I like to just chill and I don’t get dressed until 4pm, which during the summer months is fine as I have loads of time still to enjoy the sunshine. But in the winter it gets dark by 4pm, so I’m going to make sure that no mater how I’m feeling I make sure I spend time outside, soak in that vitamin D from the sun. I love being outside in nature so it shouldn’t be too much of a drag. Even something as small as that I know will make a huge difference to how I feel from day to day.

I love my lists and I’ve been spending nearly every day just writing and writing. One list is of self care stuff, things like washing my face masks regularly as that’s a new thing I need to do better, or using my SAD light every day, listening to what my body wants and needs. Just simple things.

This winter is going to be a tough one as we’re heading into another lockdown and firs time around I found it so hard and winter on top of that is going to bring added stress. But I feel much more prepared this time, that’s why I’ve been writing lists down, mainly as a reminder of things I can be doing to make myself feel better and help me get through this next part a bit easier and I know what to expect now so its not going to be so much of a shock to the system.

I think I mainly operate from my inner child, he’s in charge most of the time. Which is fine but at the moment he’s feeling scared, anxious and unsafe and that’s the main reason I’ve been trying to prepare myself for the winter months to ease the anxieties of my inner child and to make him feel safe. Which he is a bit more settled then he was but he’s still highly anxious and just wants everything in place to feel as safe as possible. Which I am currently working on and I’m not far off having everything ready but I’m not quite finished.

Trying to calm my inner child down has been difficult, but I’ve been trying to listen and trying to identify his needs and what he wants, but it’s tricky as he has complex needs from traumatic events in our life. Slowly I will heal us both, through counselling and lots of patience and self care. I’ve been trying to heal myself for the last 20 years but I’ve never even really scratched the surface until now, I think I’m finally ready to heal. I can’t keep bleeding, I can’t keep letting this little boy hurt, he deserves to feel better now. I want my life to be better now, I want things to be different, I want to break the patterns that I’ve been repeating for the last 35 years. I’m ready to be happy.

One of my self care/regular activities is to try and blog on a bit more of a regular basis. I love writing/blogging and my anxiety/procrastination stops me just getting on with it. I think sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed I can’t physically do anything so I don’t and then I feel annoyed because I haven’t done anything. So I am going to try and make more of a conscious effort to push through the anxiety and sit down and write. I always feel so much better for it, I just need to get over myself and do it! With any luck I’ll be here writing again soon and not with weeks or even months in between posts.

Now I’m sleeping much better at night, I’m getting between 7-9 hours a night, which is much better then the 4-6 hours I was getting, my appetite is a bit better as well. I’m not binge eating sugar because I’m tired. Hopefully I’ll loose a bit of weight now, as I’m not eating half as much as I was, I’m actually eating a proper breakfast every morning as well and I’m trying to eat dinner too, whether that be something I cook or a takeaway at least I’m eating meals rather then just shovelling chocolate into my face all day long.

Getting a good nights sleep for me is so important, it improves my mood, my appetite, I can manage my chronic fatigue better. It’s so easy to slip into bad habits when depressed but at the moment I’m really aware of what makes things worse for me and having all these lists of things will definitely help. Getting into a routine of going to bed at a reasonable time and having a slightly more structured day is slow going, it won’t ever be perfect but I’ve got a good start on it.

Well that’s all for now

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 10 on T

10 week on T today! woohoo! two weeks until my 4th T shot, so exciting. Had my haircut today so feeling pretty fresh, I just feel absolutely wiped out and a tad snotty today. I so hope I don’t have a cold or anything but I totally feel like I might…urgh lol.

Its Halloween today! and on Saturday I had a party with my bro, my sister in law and my two lil nephews, my best friend and her boys and my other best friend. It was good fun, especially the apple bobbing, which was so funny.

The clocks went back this weekend so that always messes me up but on the flip side the weather has suddenly got loads cooler, FINALLY! so that’s good. I like the cooler weather.

My facial hair is coming along nicely getting all fuzzy now. I think it helps having dark hair. I am considering having my first shave but I’m apprehensive about it, not the shaving it self but I don’t wanna draw attention to myself, I don’t like being seen when I’m out and about on my own. I don’t potentially want people thinking I’m a freak or whatever cuz I’m the “girl” that shaves… that’s my only concern. I just need to get over that fear. It will happen at some point, its just a case of when.

I’ve not noticed any different changes then I’ve already had over the last few weeks, well I’m way more horny then usual.. which is weird cuz when I came out as trans my sex drive was like dead and now its revving up again! so yeah that’s urm interesting lol!

I will leave it on that note…..

This weeks pics are below

 

Week 10 on T

Face hair week 10 on T

^ my facial fuzz is coming along nicely

 

Peace out

Batman

Clocks change confusion…and a catch up

Ahh the clocks have gone back an hour and thrown me completely. When I woke up this morning my phone had 8 am and my alarm clock has 9 am… I didn’t know which one was right lol. It’s nearly 10 pm and it feels so late, even though it’s not.

Just a quick update really, as I want to go to bed soon. I start a new course tomorrow called mindful living 🙂 so really looking forward to that.

Wednesday – Didn’t do much really, I went out and had a scaffold piercing done, got myself a new comic and went to see my friend in the sweet shop, chatted with her for a bit which was nice. Just relaxed all evening.

Thursday – I saw my specialist in the morning, I had to get a chest x-ray done while I was there. She wants me to stay on the steroids every other day at the moment, which I’m not 100% happy about.. but she’s only seen me twice now. But she is sorting out a bone density scan to check me for the early start of osteoarthritis and also I need to see my GP to check my calcium and vit D to see if I need to take tablets for it.

I made group only 20mins late, so that wasn’t bad. I didn’t miss anything really so that was good. Group was really good 🙂 had a guy talking about Vita Nova group and I am really interested in doing the art and creative writing group. So I am going to look into that 🙂

Friday – I did the housework, made some cakes, took the pups across the road for a wee and a run a few times. Did the paper work for my P.I.P form, watched tv, slept quite a bit and did some colouring.

Saturday – I did fuck all all day and I totally needed it. I slept all morning until 1 pm lol but I so needed it. I didn’t get dressed all day apart from like 20 mins when I took the pups for a wee and to get milk. H came over for the afternoon and we watched American Horror Story – Asylum as she’d not seen it before. After H left I spent the rest of the evening watching the rest of AHS and I did some more colouring. I felt so much better for not doing anything, I needed a few days to just rest.

Today started with the confusion with time lol but it’s ended well.

I did the housework this morning, got myself showered and dressed.

I spent the afternoon with L the boys and the pups 🙂 which was cool, had fun messing about with the boys. Can’t believe how big they’ve both got! It’s crazy!

So that’s it for now, I’m feeling a bit happier then I have done 🙂 I’m feeling really tired though, especially in the morning I find it really hard to get going because all I want to do is sleep in the morning until about midday.

I’m a bit chesty today, coughing up crap. So whatever I had before I had my teeth out has finally gone to my chest. I’ll see how it goes before I see my GP too soon.

I am really looking forward to starting this course tomorrow called mindful living, it’s 1 pm – 4 pm which means I have to leave here at 11:45 am. I am going to see how tomorrow morning goes and if I am feeling too tired then I am just going to sleep. I really need to pace myself and look after myself, these courses will come around again in the spring term.

My thoughts are saying that I am being lazy and that I just need to go and do this course. But my rational brain is saying see how you feel in the morning and decide then, no pressure, remember to pace yourself. I am going to listen to the rational side of my brain although the other side makes me feel guilty about not going. But this course is free and will have many others attending, so I won’t be letting anyone down…urgh I hate my brain sometimes. I do need to listen to my body too better then I already do.

ARGH! it’s all so complicated! I just want to be able to do what I want to do without thinking about it in depth!

 New piercing

 How me and my boy chill 🙂

 Chilling with my baby girl

 Marley Moo loves chilling too 🙂

 My beautiful babies love playing in the leaves 🙂

 Yummy

 A picture I coloured in from my new book the lost ocean

 Harley suckling on my top lol

 Aw me and Boo Boo 🙂

Peace out

Batman ❤