A day in the life of a trans guy – 6 Weeks post op Top surgery

Today marks 6 weeks since I had top surgery and its still feels a bit surreal and kinda dream like, but its the dream I’ve been dreaming for so long and it feels amazing.

I am really fussy with clothes and one of my concerns was that I non of my top would feel right after surgery, but so far I’ve not had any problems, in fact today I tried on a t-shirt that I’ve not worn in a while because it was tight across my chest area and it now fits perfectly! which I’m so happy about, its an Adventure Time t-shirt and its one of my faves.

I can finally sleep on my side properly now! which feels great. I don’t sleep well on my back but I’ve had too. So I’m hoping I can get my sleeping pattern a bit better and hopefully I’ll be able to sleep a bit better now as well.

Now my scars are healed and I have no scabs left I can go swimming! which I am beyond happy about, I love swimming and I love being in the water, near the water. I’m such a water baby! So now I need to get myself some swim shorts and find somewhere to swim. My local pool is always chilly which hurts my bones, but I know another pool close to me is always warmer. But I know the thought and actually doing it will be 2 different things, it will be scary but so freeing!

Apart from like once or twice, I’ve mainly been seen as male when I’m out and about which is amazing! Especially when out with my dogs and people are calling me their DAD! instead of mum, which used to really kill me each time, it was like a dagger through me. I’ve also noticed I get spoken to differently, it’s often quite nuanced but some occasions its more clear.

I’m starting to feel like I’m finding my place, like where I’m meant to be, who I’m meant to be. I don’t think in the 34 years I’ve ever felt like my real self or like I belonged anywhere, I’m slowly starting to feel who I am on the inside. I always felt trapped inside my head, inside this body but now I feel like its all starting to come out and I can live life as the real me and it feels good.

Peace out

Zak

Don’t listen to that little dark voice.

A lot has changed in 3 days, a good kind of change though. I’m feeling much better then I did when I last posted on Wednesday. I am much more articulate now and I am able to write a decent sentence…Well I hope so anyway.

On Thursday I wasn’t going to go to my LGBT mental health group, I just didn’t want to go. The little dark voice was whispering in my ear saying “don’t go” “you’ll have a better day at home” “you don’t need that group anyway” etc you get the picture, the depression whispering lies into my ear constantly, trying to keep me at home, keeping me away from people, keeping me from helping myself to push through and feel better. Because the dark voice disappears if I ignore him, so he shouts as loud as he can for as long as he can, until the little ray of light starts talking sense, telling me that there is hope and I will feel better again.

That little ray of light gets louder and stronger the more I pushed on with my day. He got a little louder after I had my breakfast, a little louder still after having a shower and getting dressed. The dark voice was shouting too both in equal measure, my head was so loud but I knew what path I had to follow. I carried on and took the dogs out for a walk, I kept having to sit down as the dark voice was making my body feel so heavy and weak but I pushed through. By this point both voices were raging at each other, I was just listening to them both, both made good points. But ultimately listening to the dark voice would mean just perpetuating the liar that is depression, he would win, the only way I was going to feel better is if I listened to the light voice and went to group.

So I managed to get my stuff together, it took every fibre of my being to do this. As I walked out the front door, locking it behind me, the dark voice realised he’s lost. So he went back to whispering softly in my ear, whispering things like “you won’t have a good day” “you’re stupid” etc… :/

By the time I got on the bus, my head was fairly quite again and my whole being felt so exhausted. I kept falling asleep on the bus trip and very nearly missed my stop but I suddenly realised where I was and pressed the button to get off.

Group itself was good, I don’t remember what we did but I think that’s because it was such a huge battle to just get there, I struggled to be present. But I was there, I stayed, I participated as much as I could and I felt better as a result.

I still didn’t feel 100% better but I felt more myself for going out. I had a good evening, I made myself dinner, played with the pups while waiting for my food shopping, snacked on a peanut butter and syrup sandwich and went to bed.

Friday I went to the Weymouth LGBT mental health group and again it was a bit of a battle to get up and ready, but the struggle wasn’t nearly as bad as the day before. So it just goes to show that my mood was on the way back to normality again.

As always the journey there and back was good and the session itself was good. I think I’ve been going to that group for about a year now, which is cool and makes me proud πŸ™‚

Got home from group about 6pm, I was so tired but I took the pups out for a quick wee and run. When we got back in I stripped off, my binder was hurting so off that came, jeans came off and were replaced by joggy bottoms, although if it was warmer I would just be walking about in boxers and top…but its still too cold for that unfortunately.

I had no energy or motivation to do anything, so I flopped onto the sofa, narrowly missing Harley and Foxy who were both on the sofa, waiting for attention. I reclined both sides of the sofa and I was soon surrounded by all four of my fur babies, I didn’t however appreciate scrappy standing on my back because he’s so freaking heavy! It was nice though, I spent about an hour just laying in silence, with my babies all round me.

Managed to muster up the energy to make myself some dinner which was nice. I just spent the evening watching tv and chatting to friends online.

Today the sun was out and it was like a cool spring day, its been so nice. Before I could go and enjoy the sunshine, I did the housework as its been a bit neglected this week due to my low mood . I felt better for doing it and the place no longer smelt of stinky cat litter, which isn’t a good smell.

I got myself together and I took the dogs for a walk and we went on the longer route. I thought it a bit ambitious of me to walk the long way and it worked out that yeah it was a bit ambitious. I kept having to sit down and resting along the way, but that was ok as I got to just sit in be in the moment.

Once again when I got in, I stripped off the chest binder and my jeans and adopted the much more comfortable joggy bottoms and I rested for a bit with my babies.

I started my dinner early as its quite a time consuming dish and didn’t want to eat too late in the night. I made myself a chicken and leek pie and it was very nice if I do say so myself. I did the washing up as I went along so it wasn’t overwhelming.

I have spent my evening playing with the animals and listening to music. Which makes a change from having the TV on all night and its been a nice change.

Recently I’ve been conscious about the amount of time I spend on my phone, laptop, ps3 and watching tv and I know that it doesn’t always have a good effect on me. So I’ve been switching off my mobile phone, not going on the laptop every night, now watching tv every day. I’ve been mixing up my routine a bit more, cuz before I would watch certain things in the day, then spend all evening with the TV on and my laptop on.

I like people not texting and talking to me all day long, sometimes I just turn my phone off and sit and play with the dogs, or do some colouring or whatever. Not having to be plugged in 24/7 is very freeing, just to sit and be in the moment and to be in whatever is going on around me is nice. It means I’m not missing out on spending quality time with friends or the animals, I’m not missing out on moments because I am not being sucked into my phone. I am learning more and more how to just be and it is difficult but I have found that if one of my senses is being occupied then I can be in the moment, being still and quiet.

I know people worry when I don’t text straight back or whatever but they don’t need to worry because I am ok, I’m just going back to basics.

So after sitting here for about 3 hours writing, well not solidly I may add, how do I feel? I feel calm, happy and connected with myself. I feel hopeful and excited to see L tomorrow for her birthday πŸ™‚

My life is by far simple but I somehow get myself through it, I will drag myself through this life kicking and screaming until the very end! I will not give up, that dark voice will NEVER win the war.

That is all for now, as my heads starting to hurt from looking at the screen. Glad I took the time to update this though, as its been a while and I always feel better for getting it all out and hopefully I will sleep peacefully tonight.

Peace out

Batman

Catch up from a very ill me :(

I’ve not been around properly for a while because I’ve just been so ill, so exhausted and really low.

I have felt so ill all week due to the methotrexate, it’s given me a bad stomach all week, nothing I’ve eaten has stayed in and I’ve had stomach pains on an off all week. I’ve had to take Loperamide to settle my stomach. I know it’s the methotrexate and not a bug because I have come to learn the difference. I HATE this drug so fucking much! My body is no longer tolerating it and it hasn’t done for a long time, but no one is listening to me.

I am sick of not being listened to by my doctors so I am going to make a complaint. They are keeping me ill by keeping me on methotrexate. I am NO longer tolerating it at all and I am sick of it. I am also going to make a complaint about my GP for many reasons, I am just not happy with my over all treatment of any of my ailments. So Monday I am going up to the Patient Advice and Liaison Services to start the ball rolling on my complaint.

I’ve decided to start my steroids every day rather then every other day and I am going to double my dose for a week to 10 mgs as I need a boost. I know this isn’t under the advice of my doctors but you know what they are not listening to me and I want to feel better. It’s nothing they wouldn’t do if I was having a flare anyway. I’ve been on steroids since I was 7 years old, I know what I am doing. I just wish I could stop the methotrexate without doctors but I know that would be stupid.

This week I have done nothing, due to feeling just so poorly and it’s rained all week long pretty much all day every day. I have been out a few times into town but that’s about it.

I did treat myself to some new jogging bottoms, I was trying to find some cuff bottom jeans but there wasn’t anywhere. So I did want jogging bottoms too but the ones I bought were boy’s age 13 lol! So pleased that I can fit into kids clothes again, they are actually a bit baggy πŸ™‚ but that’s cool.

On Thursday I had a phone call from my bank about unusual activity on my account and it turns out that someone has got hold of my card details and took all my money out. The bank was really great though, I stressed to them that I am on benefits due to being ill and that I have no over draft, no family members who can help etc, so they processed a claim to put that money straight back in and that went in on Friday. I am however left without a bank card at the moment…But hopefully I will have that Monday. I’m just lucky the bank were bang on it! It’s just the inconvenience of it all more then anything.

I am hoping that tomorrow I will be feeling much better, so I can actually take the pups for a walk or do something. As I am getting stir crazy! I need to get out properly!

So yeah this has made me feel so low 😦 But just for deciding to take charge I feel a bit better.

Peace out

Batman

Wrapping up another week..

Sat on the sofa with the balcony door open just listening to the rain, there’s something relaxing about listening to the rain when I’m sat inside nice and dry.

I’m still feeling the effects of getting my head around everything I wrote in yesterdays post about past traumas because well it’s pretty heavy stuff. But it needs to come out and it needs to be worked through, unpicked and sorted into a bit of a neater pile then its in right now. Because right now it’s in a massive great big mess in my head but the more I write about it, the more I talk about it, the more I can make sense of it all.

I haven’t done much today, I’ve just slept lots, coloured in a few pictures as well, took the pups across the road a few times for a run, cooked myself a sausage and bean casserole in the slow cooker as well. It’s been a good day, just been trying not to reflect on things too much because that can bring my mood down.

I forgot to mention something on yesterdays post, I made some cakes yesterday evening and I’ve not made any for a long while, in fact it’s the first time this YEAR I made cakes, which is unusual for me. But in between breaking bones I’ve just not had the energy to stand and bake cakes. Anyway last night I made some yummy lil cakes as its something I enjoy, plus I enjoy eating them too πŸ™‚ I used my perching stool and wow it does make such a difference to me, I could bake and not been exhausted and in agony afterwards. But with the stool, I wasn’t in too much pain or extra pain and I wasn’t too tired either πŸ™‚ So chuffed with it but I suppose it’s bitter sweet because it sucks that I’m 30 and need this to help me. But yeah whatever..

Tomorrow I am meeting someone from the Recovery Education Centre to talk about doing some courses with them. All their courses are around dealing with mental health, all the courses look amazing and I want to do them all lol. Usually people do 3 courses at a time but I think with the groups I do I’m only going to do one course at a time, as I think that will be enough for me to take on right now. I am really looking forward to getting my teeth into something new πŸ™‚ It should be fun and if it aids my continuing recovery then it can only be a good thing.

I have my gender identity counselling again Tuesday, so looking forward to that. Thursday I have my LGBT mental health group Mind out and that’s all I really have planned this week. In between all of this I need to rest, as I have London a week on Tuesday, so I need to be fairly well in every way to cope with such a long day.

I still don’t really know what this workshop is but I am excited to go up and see where to gender clinic is and just get a feel of things πŸ™‚ Plus I get to see my best friend too! I am mega excited to see him again!

The weather has been loads cooler again today and I was able to go out in jeans, hoodie and baseball cap and not feel hot! FINALLY! I feel and look much more like a boy too πŸ™‚ which makes me very very happy!

Just looked over at my pets πŸ™‚ I have 3 of them next to me, Harley is right next to me, stretched right out fast asleep and foxy and scrappy are on the other side of the sofa snuggled up together πŸ™‚ so so sweet, I love how close they are. Miss Marley moo is sat up on her post having a bit of peace and quiet away from them us all lol. I love them so so much, I just look at them and beam with pride and they make me feel so emotional because I love them unconditionally, with every ounce of my heart and soul and I would do anything to make sure they are happy, healthy and have their needs met. I’m fiercely protective of them too ❀ Scrappy did paw today, finally after trying to teach him all summer, he’s finally got it πŸ™‚ lol! Practice make perfect I suppose, bless him my lil dude.

I’m just trying to figure out where my head is right now and I’m not really sure where it’s at… I think I’m just numb right now, to be honest I think that’s the best, as it probably has to potential to bring my mood down.

I better get myself and my beautiful pups into bed very soon, so I’m going to finish off now. I’m really tired tonight so I know I’ll sleep well.

Peace out

Batman

Tired of being so tired.

Urgh not so much of a great day… I am feeling so run down and a bit snotty and chesty but only a little. Just not feeling it all today, not even now lol.

I slept really well last night and woke up at 9 am, had breakfast and watched tv and fell back to sleep until midday.

Still didn’t feel good, so had some lunch and just sat on the sofa because I didn’t really know what to do with myself and time passed really quickly.

Eventually got up and had a shower, got dressed and sat across the road in the sun with the pups for a bit, in hopes that the sun would give me a bit of an energy boost…but no such luck. I felt utterly exhausted! So I slept again for an hour and a half, just because I had too, I was far too tired to do anything else. I really hate days like this 😦 it’s so frustrating.

Decided not to go to group because I’m still tired and I just didn’t feel like being around anyone yet.

Urgh even writing this is just taking it out of me :/ meh. My brain has just stopped working and I don’t even know what I’m writing.

I had a bit of money left so I had pizza hut for dinner lol, screw it I’m ill and I just couldn’t be bothered.

I sorted out my money for the my groups and counselling this week, so that’s all put aside. Sorted out what I am doing and when for the next fortnight and what bills etc are coming out and when, feels good to be organised and at least look like I know what I’m doing lol.

I ended up taking the pups out for an hour, I took a short cut down to the sea. It was really nice to get out with the pups for a bit, I love so much being by the sea. Feel so at peace by the sea.

Just been relaxing this evening and I still feel like fucking shit! I just want to hide away from everyone and everything forever.. :/ I think I’m just feeling like this because I’m tired and a bit poorly….Well hopefully.

Tomorrow is busy-ish. Gotta go out to pay rent and electric, gotta take the pups to the vets in the afternoon, might order food shopping and going to see if I can get dog and cat food delivered again from the pet shop. Also got someone coming to pick up some clothes that are going to help the homeless, which is good least they are going somewhere useful. I’m not sure I will do all of that tomorrow, it depends how I feel.

Seen a new pair of jeans I like on Amazon, so going to treat myself to them πŸ™‚ non of my jeans fit me since losing all that weight. I definitely deserve a nice new pair of jeans πŸ™‚ and they are so cool. I can’t seem to find any loose fit jeans in the shops, which totally sucks!

Anyway’s whatever, this boy needs to get some sleep… again!

Peace out

Batman

A better day, feeling grateful

Ah I am so tired right now but my pain levels are much much easier to deal with but I think that is because I am just getting used to it now. The swelling has gone down a bit and the bruising has come out, I just can’t wait till the fracture clinic Thursday.

Despite everything, today has been really productive. I sorted out getting a new bus pass sent to me. The pet shop I get the animals food from were able to drop my order of their food to me this evening which was amazing and just so so helpful!

This morning I managed to clean up the flat as much as I could. L and the boys came over in the afternoon, we chilled out for a bit and had some lunch then L and Harvey helped me do the bits I couldn’t which was great and I am so grateful of the help.

We went into town so I could pay my rent and get electric, I also got myself 2 pairs of jogging bottoms because they are easier to get on then jeans lol! because I can’t do my belts up.

I treated myself and the animals to some bits on amazon last night because I felt so shit I think I deserved a treat.

I didn’t end up going to the group social as the location was changed to a pub, it’s quite a small pub and I didn’t want to go just in case anyone bumped into me. It will be much better if/when they cast my arm. I really hope they do! Any wrong movement or small bump really fucking hurts! So yeah missing group all this week 😦 gutted!

Overall I’ve had a good day πŸ™‚ despite my broken bones lol! I’m grateful to have such amazing friends.

Tomorrow I am just going to rest all day! I think I need it. My energy levels have just been zapped, all used up by being in so much pain. Slept ok last night, I’ve found the perfect sleeping solution, all propped up with pillows and blankets lol but it works so can’t knock it.

So I’m off to bed after this to relax and sleep.

This has taken so so long to write one handed lol.

Peace out

Batman

Gender dysphoria

I’ve been quite irritable and angry recently without real cause to be feeling that way. That is a warning sign for me but I’ve been thinking that this could be put down to gender dysphoria.

Like I am DONE with it being warm and having to wear vest tops and shorts. I cannot wait to be back in jeans so I don’t have to shave my legs and back to wearing hoodies so my man boobs are less obvious. I get like this about this time of year every year, I am now thinking that this isn’t because I like the winter because I like the cold, I much prefer the sun. Its because I can cover up and feel more confident in myself and look more like a guy.

So the recent anger and irritability can be put down to gender dysphoria and not being happy with my body, so wanting to cover it up…

Does this make sense to anyone?

Peace out

Batman

Re-charged and a happy chilled out boy

Ahhhhhhh I am feeling rested and recharged πŸ™‚ I have had the entire weekend to myself and I have chilled right out.

Saturday I was meant to spend with L and the boys but sadly poor Harvey was being sick all day bless him. So I spent most of the day sleeping, I didn’t have a shower, I played lots of Lego Batman 3 and generally just chilled out. It was so nice and definitely needed.

Today has been pretty much the same, although I did clean up a bit, did some laundry too and made myself a baked potato in the slow cooker for my dinner, which was really nice. I completed the main story of Lego Batman 3! Whoop! just got to go back through it all to get all the trophies and stuff. This evening I took the pups for a walk along our usual route, which was so nice.

I totally needed to rest and recharge and just have some me time. I’ve had a great week and I love being with my friends and family but I do need the balance and have some Dyllan time too.

I start my 1:1 gender identity counselling on Tues and I’ll be having a 1:1 once a fortnight, so really looking forward to that πŸ™‚

Ooh I took a great video on Saturday of Scrappy and Harley playing together, it’s so so cute! He’s so gentle with her, he’s such a good boy. And I got a picture of Marley and Harley together on the cat post just relaxing πŸ™‚ I’m so glad they all get along so well, I love my lil fur babies ❀

Don’t think I have much planned tomorrow other then group social in the evening. Gives me time to play with my Lego πŸ™‚ lol.

I am just feeling really good, nice and relaxed. I’m feeling quite tired tonight so I am really hoping I won’t wake up a few times. But I am just thinking that it’s a summer thing, I often have trouble sleeping all night in the summer. Trying not to stress to much about it, as long as I am able to catch up on the sleep then it’s not too bad.

That is all from me, the Lego Movie is now over. I may put on a short Lego Batman movie πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman

So fatigued, thanks to GPA

I’m so so tired today, feel like I could sleep for a week. It took me a while to get going this morning, so didn’t want to go anywhere at all but miss foxy had to go get her haircut, it desperately needed doing.

Had an hour to get showered and dressed, which felt like it took forever. Got the pups ready and we headed out to the dog groomers, it was grey and raining out but not that cold.

While foxy was having her haircut, me and scrappy went to the pet shop to pick up food for them and the cats. Then we played on the field for a bit until we had to get miss foxy girl πŸ™‚

I came over so so tired on my way back home, so when I got home I had some lunch and pain killers, put on Finding Nemo and snuggled up with the pups just chilling out.

Had a bloke turn up to fix the drawers in the kitchen, which was fine cuz they are now fixed but they should have rang to book an appointment rather then just turn up! So going to ring tomorrow to make a complaint as I was just falling asleep and he woke me up, I wasn’t impressed.

I did manage to get some sleep after the guy had gone, I felt a little better for it but probably could of slept a lot longer.

My brother, his gf and Leo popped over for a bit. I gave them the clothes I’d bought for Leo, I got him some Batman pjs and a t-shirt and some vests πŸ™‚ me and my bro are going to hang out tomorrow, not sure what we’re going to do, depends on the weather I suppose. But should be fun whatever we do πŸ™‚

After they left I had myself some dinner, I didn’t eat it all though. Watched a bit of tv and then took the pups out for a walk along our usual route, which was a nice walk πŸ™‚ well until the end and scrappy nearly gave me a heart attack! I was sat in the park by the water watching this duck with her little babies, foxy was watching from behind me and scrappy was pacing up and down. When all of a sudden scrappy jumped head first into the lake that is covered in algae and the sides are high so he couldn’t get back out again. So I had to rescue the lil sod! I wasn’t impressed as he has just dried off after being in the sea and now he would still be wet when we got in and that water stinks too! I was just chilling, sat all peacefully until my peace was shattered by my lil rat bag dog lol.

I was pleased to get home and sit down, my hips are so sore. Just been chilling while the pups sleep πŸ™‚ going to go to bed after I’ve posted this, I’m trying to keep my eyes open sat here lol.

Β Miss foxy girl before and after her haircut πŸ™‚

Β Harely Quinn having snuggles on my lap πŸ™‚

Well that’s it for now, this boy is feeling better then yesterday πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman

Happy re-birth day to me! :)

I am going to start by saying its a happy re-birth day to me (sounds like something from Alice in Wonderland lol) But I got my deed poll through today so I am now Mr πŸ™‚ this is a big step towards my journey.

Didn’t update yesterday because I felt unwell an just couldn’t be bothered.

Went to bed Thursday night, did my usual routine. I took the pups out for a wee, gave the cat some treats and took my meds.

I didn’t sleep a wink all fucking night!

Still managed to make it out with my friend and the pups. We took the pups down to the beach and had a nice walk. We then walked up the Flirt a cafe and had lunch and just chilled out. It was really nice and the pups enjoyed it. It tired out Scrappy, he fell asleep on my lap the whole bus trip home bless him.

We got home about 4:30 pm. I had some Pepsi and some cereal, then got into bed for 2 hours, just to rest. I don’t think I slept…maybe I was in and out of it.

Just spent the evening sat on the sofa feeling rather crap. But I was chatting to friends so that was nice and helping me to feel a bit better.

Eventually managed to take the pups out for a very quick wee. I went to take my meds…only to discover that Thursday nights meds were still in the med box….So that’s why I didn’t sleep! lol because I didn’t take my meds! I could have SWORN I did though…hmmm. Anyway’s took my meds, did my injection and got into bed with the pups. I watched tv for a little bit. Then fell asleep.

I slept right through last night until 8 am and my hip was killing where I’d woken up in the same position I’d fell asleep in lol, obviously didn’t move an inch all night, so that’s been sore all day today.

I felt better when I woke up, less sick and tired. Had some breakfast and watched some cartoons πŸ™‚ as you do. Snuggled up on the sofa with my babies and fell asleep till gone 1 pm. I definitely needed it πŸ™‚ and the weather is grotty today so didn’t fancy going anywhere.

Tided away bits and bobs and sorted out my paper work. Had a shower and got dressed…that took a while as I didn’t know what to wear lol. Ended up wearing my batman joggy bottoms, something nice and comfortable just to sit about in πŸ™‚

Took the pups across the road to play about for a bit. It was cold and miserable out BOO! I dropped then back and went to the shop and got myself a few nice bits of food πŸ™‚

Chilled out the rest of the day, had a little nap too. Had some dinner and yeah just been chilling out, playing on fb, chatting to friends and that.

Feeling pretty good today, nice and relaxed. I have my nephew tomorrow morning for a bit so that’s cool.

We lose an hour tonight as our clocks go forward. I’m just looking forward to it being lighter later, I love taking the pups out in the evening πŸ™‚

Physically doing ok, just tired still and really achy but that’s nothing new.

I am now a bit worried about completely coming off my meds… as they do help me sleep. As the quetiapine has a sedative effect. Yesterday I went down to 50 mgs so will see how my sleep is on that. But I do want to be off it completely as I shouldn’t really be relying on meds to help me sleep every night! That’s not good… I have my psych Mon so I’ll talk to him about my worries about that.

Β My babies chilling out in Flirt cafe πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman