Happy New Year – 2021

Hey, how is everyone doing? I hope the first few days of the new year have been treating you well so far.

So far the first few days for me have been fairly good, I haven’t set any new years resolutions for this year, mainly because I feel very soon we will be back into a national lockdown so it seems kind of pointless. Although I do have things I want to aim for and things I want to achieve but I don’t like to share them, or even have them written down, as then I am less likely to do it. It just feels too much pressure to have specific things written down, but I know what I want to do/achieve but also if I don’t that’s totally cool as well because we’re all still stuck in such a weird time and feels like nothings really moving forward very far. I am quite happy with how my life is moving forward anyway right now and even though I initially found lockdown really hard, I am actually really loving my own company, like I am really enjoying it.

New Years day was extremely quite, even though I didn’t actually get to bed that late, I was so exhausted! That all I could manage for most of the day was sleeping and resting, not a terrible way to spend the first day of the new year though. But I did cook up the rest of the veg I had left over from Christmas so it didn’t go to waste, the last of which I will have tonight for dinner, can’t beat a good roast dinner!

Yesterday I did the housework and took the dogs for a walk around the Quay, which I forced myself to do, as it was cold and I was exhausted. But with fatigue its such a catch 22 situation, the less I do the more I’m exhausted but on the flip side if I do too much, I’m also exhausted! So I am making a conscious effort to try and walk a little more every day and try and build my energy levels back up a bit. It’s going to be hard but I’ve done it before, however I am fighting against a under active thyroid as well at the moment, so it may not go quite to plan.

After our walk, I got in and had a rest for a bit before cracking on with some paperwork for my disability benefits. The form filling service needed some information before the phone call, which will help with filling it in, so I spent 2 hours sorting through everything and writing down all the information they needed. I hate sorting through this crap, its so emotionally exhausting and draining!

I treated myself to a Pizza hut for dinner, as I was just too tired to cook or even think about cooking. I had a nice surprise and my friend B video called me, which was lovely as we’d not done that in years! We spent about an hour and a half catching up which was really lovely.

After my video call, it was back to finishing off sorting through the paperwork and I emailed the form filling service with all the information they wanted and holy shit! I felt so much better for having that all done and sorted! The benefits process is so long and draining, but I am so glad I am not doing it alone, because I would just put it off till the last second! Because I hate it so much!

I was so tired after all that I decided to get ready for bed and watched the Simpsons curled up in bed with my 4 fur babies, a perfect way to end a productive day.

Today has been a pretty good day and I am really proud of myself! It was so hard to get going, as its been so cold and grey today, I mean when isn’t it in the UK LOL! But it does make it much harder to get motivated to want to do anything.

I did eventually get myself up, showered, dressed and fed I had peanut butter and honey porridge which I am obsessed with! So tasty and filling. I then got the dogs ready and took them across the road for a run around, Foxy wasn’t overly impressed because she was getting cold. She did what she needed to do and she was done lol. We went back home and the whole time I was trying to decided whether or not to take Scrappy out for a longer walk on his own, but that meant walking further from home… which is something I have been really struggling to do.

We got in and I was going back and forth in my head and decided fuck it! I’m not doing this for me, I’m doing it because Scrappy loves going for long walks and being by the sea. So we went… I did nearly have a panic attack as we got further away from home but I managed to control it and carry on. Once we got down to the sea I felt so much better, I was still feeling a bit tense but I tried to focus on taking pictures and playing fetch with Scrappy. I was just trying to enjoy the moment and watching Scrappy run, play and swim always helps. He’s always so happy whatever he’s doing and that always makes me smile.

I had a great walk with my boy, all be it a chilly walk lol and I am SO proud of myself for pushing myself to get out and not turning back when the panic attack kicked it, but it did not win! We got back in and I made myself a nice cuppa to warm up and curled up on the sofa with a film.

I didn’t come on the laptop to blog initially… but here we are! I still have a few bits to sort out for my disability benefits, which is actually what I came on here to do. I need copies of all the information I need to send, but I still have this evening and tomorrow that I can sort that stuff out. It’s not too much of a rush to get done.

I’m actually feeling pretty good, that walk did me the world of good and also getting so much sorted regarding my disability benefits, I feel like I have some sort of control over the situation.

Life under lockdown has been far from easy but I am so proud that I’ve been able to mange and handle all the change and deal with everything its thrown at me and taken away from and I’ve still come out fighting and smiling. Although some days it does and has gotten the better of me but I mean that’s the nature of living with chronic depression that would happen in any situation. I don’t think my younger self would have been able to deal with this at all, I definitely think that a younger me would have given up, because younger me needed to be around other people to feel like a valid human. Me now at age 35 (very nearly 36) has finally realised that the only person that I need to be happy with is myself, I am the only one I will have a life long relationship with, so it better be a good one! I am valid, worthy and loved all by myself! I don’t need outside validation for that anymore, I know exactly who I am now and I am freaking awesome! I am happy on my own and I know whatever else is thrown at me, I am capable of dealing with on my own.

Here’s a few pictures from the first few days of this year

That’s all for now,

Peace out

Zak

A day in the life of a Trans guy – 7 weeks post op Top Surgery

These past 7 weeks have gone so quickly, my head and emotions still haven’t quite caught up with everything yet, I’m just trying to take it easy and be kind to myself.

The one thing no one tells you about post top surgery is that you no longer have two bags of fat on your chest keeping you warm! I’ve been going out in what I would normally wear for certain temperatures and I’ve been really cold, that’s going to take a while getting used too.

Also when getting dressed, I feel like I’m missing something because I no longer have to wear a binder/bra under my tops, so that feels pretty weird, feel kinda naked lol!

But I am loving the fact that my clothes all fit better and I don’t feel so stressed out while getting dressed because nothing looks or feels right. Now clothes sit properly and feel good, I look forward to getting dressed now, rather then it being a stressful event.

I went and had a massage on Monday, as after wearing that compression binder for nearly 6 weeks my back was so tense and stiff, I knew I needed a massage to help loosen my body up again. Plus a little self care goes a long way. It was so good! my shoulders were so knotty and I was so tense in so many places, I felt great afterwards, it was very much needed. I decided to have one once a month, as I think it will do me good in many ways.

I’ve spent a lot of time not being connected to my body and I still don’t feel quite connected with myself, so I think having a regular massage will help me feel more connected to my body and myself in general.

Now I’ve had surgery, I feel like I want to look after myself and my body better, although it all feels a bit overwhelming right now, so I’m just starting slowly. I’m still getting pretty exhausted most days, so its going to take a while to build myself back up. I think starting with having a monthly massage, will help set me on the right road.

7 Weeks Post op Top Surgery

I bought some Bio oil today to put on my scars and help heal these scars up. My body sometimes over heals and my scars turn out bumpy.

That’s all for now,

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 10 on T

10 week on T today! woohoo! two weeks until my 4th T shot, so exciting. Had my haircut today so feeling pretty fresh, I just feel absolutely wiped out and a tad snotty today. I so hope I don’t have a cold or anything but I totally feel like I might…urgh lol.

Its Halloween today! and on Saturday I had a party with my bro, my sister in law and my two lil nephews, my best friend and her boys and my other best friend. It was good fun, especially the apple bobbing, which was so funny.

The clocks went back this weekend so that always messes me up but on the flip side the weather has suddenly got loads cooler, FINALLY! so that’s good. I like the cooler weather.

My facial hair is coming along nicely getting all fuzzy now. I think it helps having dark hair. I am considering having my first shave but I’m apprehensive about it, not the shaving it self but I don’t wanna draw attention to myself, I don’t like being seen when I’m out and about on my own. I don’t potentially want people thinking I’m a freak or whatever cuz I’m the “girl” that shaves… that’s my only concern. I just need to get over that fear. It will happen at some point, its just a case of when.

I’ve not noticed any different changes then I’ve already had over the last few weeks, well I’m way more horny then usual.. which is weird cuz when I came out as trans my sex drive was like dead and now its revving up again! so yeah that’s urm interesting lol!

I will leave it on that note…..

This weeks pics are below

 

Week 10 on T

Face hair week 10 on T

^ my facial fuzz is coming along nicely

 

Peace out

Batman

Being penalised for having a chronic illness

Been sat here trying to think about what to write, as right now my head is a reflection of my life, its just totally all over the place and I don’t know where to start.

I was going to write about binding and pain management but I can’t get my thoughts organised at all because I have so much going on in my lil brain! I am desperately trying to figure out what bills can I cut IF I can and what I can sell…just so I can eat for the next fortnight and have electric so I can heat the flat!

I’m kinda glad I lived at the youth hostel, that taught me how to live in a shoe string! How to fight to survive. If that means selling some of my stuff then so be it! If it means getting my sky temporarily cut off or at least to get the basic/cheapest bundle…if that’s possible.

My priorities have shifted somewhat, I now need to only focus on bills, food, rent and electric…Yes they were my priorities before but at least I wasn’t scraping the barrel just to have the basics, least I was able a to treat myself. Now that has gone, I cannot treat myself and that’s an important part of my self care..so I have to now change that.

These rich, elite fucking wankers making all these cuts have NO IDEA at all how they effect the actual people they are doing it too.

The internet is my lifeline, my mobile is my lifeline, I need netflix to watch on the days I am housebound, I need more then 5 tv channels to watch on the days that I am housebound cuz lets face BBC1 BBC2, ITV, CH4 and CH5 have fuck all on the majority of the time! These things I need when I am housebound. I need my phone to make appointments with my doctors etc, I NEED THIS!

I need to be able to put the heating on because its still cold in the evenings and when I am ill I feel the cold much more. Yes I can sit around with jumpers etc on but it still doesn’t take the chill off the place, besides its not the fucking point! I am a person who has complex physical and mental health issues who needs to be able to have a decent quality of life!

I don’t know why I am writing all of this, I suppose because my story needs to get out of there. Although I am not that naive in thinking I am the only one with the story like this, because sadly its not, its happening all up and down the country to millions of people.

Its not right, what they are doing is morally wrong and I honestly don’t know how these people can sleep peacefully at night knowing that people like me have killed themselves because they were deemed fit to work, knowing that millions of families are living below the poverty line despite working hard to support their families. YES the benefits needed to be reformed because people were abusing it BUT those who are actually ill are being told they are fit for work and having their money cut all over the place are the ones that are being penalised the most, those who aren’t actually ill can just go get a job. But those who are chronically ill cannot just got get a job, cutting money is not a fucking incentive to work, if anything it has the total opposite effect. If you are even more ill because you cannot heat your place, that’s IF you can even still afford rent, if you cannot afford to eat, if you cannot sleep properly because of the stress about worrying about where your next meal is coming from, if you are depressed because you’ve spent every evening sat in the dark, cold and the quiet, these things DO NOT equate to a functional human! let alone a happy human. Its a joke!

I can write any more because well honestly it is making me so angry and I need to reserve this energy to fight my way through this next fortnight. It is what it is and I can’t change that right now. But what I can do is make phone calls and just get through this! I’ve been through far worse and I can get through this bullshit!

I did have something else to write about, an incident that happened yesterday that caused me to have a flashback, which unsettled me for half the day, which I had to work hard to settle myself again. But I don’t have the energy to write any more, I need to get myself to bed.

Peace out

Batman

I will never stop fighting – Benefits suck!

Ah Sunday evening…which means I have another week ahead of me to deal with! Urghย Undecidedย and I have a few battles to deal with this week.

I had some shit news through the post and WOW it’s utterly disgusting and I got so mad! So my disability living allowance benefit was ending so I had to re-apply but for something called personal independent payment, which is the same benefit just different name. I had to fill out a form and go for a face to face assessment with a physiotherapist who doesn’t know me or anything about my illnesses. Anyway whatever she wrote was obviously a load of SHIT! Because a few things weren’t mentioned like the fact I walked in with my walking stick and my recent manic episode. It goes by a points system and you have to get between 8-12 points to qualify for this benefit. I got 4 fucking points! and that was because I have a stool in my shower and a stool in the kitchen, it didn’t take into consideration anything else. My assessment was 2 hours long, I may as well have sat there and said fuck all! because it wouldn’t have made a difference. It’s disgusting it really is, I am ill, I am unable to work. Yet all of a sudden I am not ill enough to be awarded (which sounds like I’ve won a lottery or something, which it pretty much is) this money. If anything my condition has got worse over the years! I mean WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!

Now I have to appeal this bullshit, another battle I have to find the strength for. But there is a charity called Diverse Abilities who I can use to help me with this process. I’ll sort that out tomorrow at some point, but the sooner I sort it out the better. So I will push myself to get on it.

Despite all this bullshit going on, I still managed to have a good weekend and I tried just to put it all to the back of my mind. Which I managed for the most part.

I did the housework Saturday morning, sorted out a place for Harvey to sleep in my bedroom.

I left to go pick him up and as soon as I walked in Albert wanted to fight me and Harvey was showing my minecraft stuff.

Harvey and I got the bus to Poole, which takes so LONG! We were just chatting about all sorts ๐Ÿ™‚ He’s so grown up now, love being able to have proper conversations now.

Grabbed him some lunch, stopped at the post office to post something to a friend’s kids. We had a look in a few shops while on our way down to the comic book shop. WOW I could stay in that shop all day long and buy like everything Batman. I got myself a comic and Harvey picked a deadpool comic.

We went and picked up the dogs and went for a walk down baiter. It was freaking cold down there by the sea and at one point I picked up foxy and put her in my jacket because she was shaking so much lol. Harvey had fun climbing across the rocks and the pups had fun running about and my crazy scrappy even went in the sea for a swim. I enjoyed the walk, it was definitely refreshing.

I took ages to warm up when we got in and I hurt so much, because I’d got so cold and I was standing around waiting for Harvey to climb over the rocks.

We chilled out watching both of the Ghostbusters films which was cool, I love these films as I grew up watching them and it’s great to share that with Harvey too.

H came over for the evening which was nice, Harvey asked my several times if she was coming over. He adores her so much, I love watching them together, it’s just so lovely.

Treated Harvey to pizza hut and I definitely deserved a treat. He’s a growing boy and ate 3 slices of pizza, which was about how much I ate.

We just chilled out chatting, watching tv. Harvey said he was hungry…and I don’t really have snack foods in, so I went to pick up some munch for my boy and my meds too.

Whilst I was out H and Harvey were having an argument about speed running, as Harvey didn’t believe that H can do it and that she’s 11th in the world. So H set up my ps2 and speed ran through Jak and Daxer at any percent. Harvey loved it, he sat and watched and asked lots of questions about what she was doing. H timed it and everything to prove to him, it was so funny.

Put him to bed after the speed running fun, it was 10:30 pm! H left too as she was intending to stay that long lol! Was good of her to stay and show Harvey.

I was just chilling, watching tv and playing on my tab. But I kept feeling anxious, like I felt sick to my stomach. I hate anxiety so much, I’ve not had bad anxiety like that for a while. It feels like I am about to die or my hearts about to beat out of my chest.

The anxiety settled a bit eventually, after lots of deep breathing and mindfulness. I didn’t get the bed until 2 am though, as I knew I wouldn’t sleep if I went to bed as anxious as I was.

I didn’t wake up until 9:30 am and Harvey was already awake but just being quiet playing on his phone.

We just relaxed, watched Cartoon Network and I had a nap for a bit on the sofa. I could have done with a bit more sleep but I had to get us over to L’s.

It didn’t take long to get me, Harvey and the pups ready to go. We headed out in the freezing cold to get the bus, I so hope it doesn’t snow..boo.

Harvey and I nodded off on the bus lol! I woke up just as we got to the stop before the one we had to get off at! PHEW!

The pups were all happy to see each other and Arnie was so happy to see me that he pissed all over me…. What if humans did that lol!

Just relaxed playing with Albert and the pups and talking to L too ๐Ÿ™‚ while she was sorting out dinner.

Dinner was SO nice and I even managed to get Albert to say and eat carrot! WOOHOO! He’s hit terrible twos and is really fussy with his food at the moment. He’s such a funny boy though.

I did my manly duties and did the washing up for L ๐Ÿ™‚ I dropped a plate in the washing up bowl and I managed to get bubbles on scrappy’s head! which he didn’t notice right away.

I didn’t want to stay too late, as I am tired and wanted to just go home and relax. But before I left I had to sort out Harvey’s ps3 as he’d accidentally put another disc in when there was already a disc in there, luckily I managed to get both of them out!

Me and the pups got back just before 6 pm, the flat was so cold. I stuck the heating on high and put my joggy bottoms on, my hips were aching and needed some comfy, soft trousers.

So ages ago when scrappy was small, he ate a wire that connected the sky box and internet. But I’ve finally got around to getting another wire…which I got before xmas lol! and I’ve been meaning to sort it out since then. But I was feeling hella manly so I decided to do a bit of DIY! and used tower cable clips to attach the wire to the wall, up and above the curtain rail. Surprisingly it didn’t take too long to do and I didn’t injure myself! WOOHOO!

Still feeling manly and like I needed to DO something, I sat and painted some boxes black. I am waiting for them to dry before I can cover them in PVA glue, so the paint won’t flake off. I made lots of mess and the cats ran across the sheet I was using and now I have foot prints on the kitchen floor! Cannot wait to cover them in glue tomorrow ๐Ÿ˜€ eeep.

Just been chilling this evening and the pups have been asleep since we got in. They are always shattered after seeing Arnie ๐Ÿ™‚ least they’ve had good fun and I did too. I am really tired too but I needed to get this all out before I can sleep tonight.

My plan for tomorrow is to contact Diverse abilities to start this appeal. I am going to cover my boxes with glue, I’ve got to do the housework at some point and I might put one of my new Lego sets together. I then have my trans group social in the evening, which I am looking forward too. We are starting up our formal therapy sessions again on the 2nd of Feb at over the rainbow, so looking forward to that as well ๐Ÿ™‚

I’m feeling MUCH better then I did yesterday, I’m not angry, depressed or anxious now. I’ve just accepted what has happened and what I have to do to fix it and I will make sure that I take extra care of myself while going through all of this.

“Accept the things you cannot change & change the things you can” Something I try and live by and it really helps in situations like I am right now with my benefits.

I love taking pictures.

Harvey having fun climbing across the rocks.

ย My beautiful boy ๐Ÿ™‚

ย Bournemouth balloon looks so pretty at night.

I got nice and messy, it is the best! I love getting messy.

ย Really tired pups โค

Even with all the bullshit I have to deal with, from my health, dealing with doctors, medications and side effects, benefits, gender stuff… I still come out fighting and I have now idea how, or even why sometimes. But I do, there’s a fire within me that burns because I want to live and I want to keep my independence, I want to keep my animals, I want to keep my life how it is right now. My life is no where NEAR perfect and I am always a work in progress and I will always keep fighting and when I think I can’t I have a handful of friends that I know will help carry me until I can fight again. I am very blessed to have them in my life โค

I am proud of how far I have come, I was a different person now then I was say 4-5 years ago. I am a much better person then I was but like I said I am a work in progress, I am not aiming for perfection, I just want to be the best me I can be ๐Ÿ™‚

I needed to end this post on a positive note, to remind myself that I am a good person and I have worked hard with my therapy to change bad behaviours etc. And to remind everyone, it’s never to late for change and you can change.;:

ย  ๐Ÿ™‚

Peace out

Batman

Teeth extractions.

WOOHOO! I had my teeth extracted yesterday. I ended up having 3 out instead of two but that was ok because they all needed doing.

It all went well, apart from the first cannula they put in. I’ve got a huge bruise on the back of my hand and it’s really sore. When I woke up straight away I said take it out because it really hurt, so they did. Then I got so so cold and they had to warm me up, but I remember that happening last time. My blood pressure was really high for a bit, so had to stay in recovery for a bit, until it came down. Eventually went onto the ward, had a drink and ate my jelly and I was home by 2:30 pm ๐Ÿ™‚ The mother picked me up but I wasn’t happy with her, kept calling me my birth name…ugh, so disrespectful. Luckily mother didn’t stay long and H came over not long after I got home, which was good.

I had a raging migraine after, my jaw was really sore and my hips as well but I think that’s where I got really cold when I woke up. H and I hung out for a bit but by 7 pm I just needed to sleep for a bit because my head was killing and my hips were so sore. I only slept for just over an hour but I felt better for it.

H helped me take the pups out for a wee and after I had a shower to warm up and to get the smell of hospital off me lol.

I managed to get all my piercings back in, except one. My middle lip bar, but I knew I wouldn’t as that starts healing up just after an hour of it being out. So I’m going to leave it out for now and get it re done later down the line.

I slept really well last night, which is not surprising. Head was still a lil sore and my hips were too. H and I just chilled out for most of the day. I had a lil afternoon nap because I was tired and achy. H left mine at about 4 pm, so I got myself showered and dressed, took my pain killers and took the pups out for a walk. We ended up being out for 2 hours, I wasn’t meant to be out that long lol, I’m still really meant to be resting but I’d had enough of resting already. But it was a nice walk and ended up chatting to some guy who was really nice ๐Ÿ™‚

Just been chilling this evening, I’ve been managing to eat ok. But only yoghurt and stuff, it’s enough though. I’ve lost 3lbs in the last two weeks, I’m 9st 1lbs now! WOOHOO! pretty much what I was before quetiapine, so pleased with that.

I’m so tired now, so I think it maybe time for bed very soon ๐Ÿ™‚

Peace out

Batman

G.I.C workshop @ Charing Cross hospital

I am so so so tired, I probably should get to bed right now. But I need to get stuff out my head before I can sleep and rest properly.

Monday night it took me nearly an hour to get to sleep because I was so anxious about Tues morning and it was so weird not having the pups in bed with me. But I eventually got to sleep…not for long though as I was up at 5:45 am Tuesday morning.

I got up, had breakfast, showered, dressed and sorted my backpack out. Man it was so weird, the flat was so quiet without the pups lol. Mind I didn’t miss scrappy following me about with his toys waiting for me to play fetch every 2 seconds! I had some time to watch a bit of tv and check my backpack like a hundred times to make sure I’ve got absolutely everything I needed. Anxious much! eeeep!

Whilst walking to the coach stop, my heart started racing, I was hot/cold and sweaty, I was shaking internally. I was a mess lol and at one point I felt like walking back home. But I carried on and I got on the coach, put my seatbelt on and off the coach went.

As the time went on my anxiety lessened because well, I was on the motorway on the way to Hammersmith London, there was no turning back lol. So I just had to get on with it! I had a nice lady sat next to me and we chatted a bit, she also gave me some directions as well which was great and totally spot on ๐Ÿ™‚

The fucking weather was crap, it was raining heavily on and off all day. When I got off the coach I managed to walk and find my way to the gender identity clinic. I was an hour early but I was there, safe and sound. Oh on the way though some absolute fucking cock drove straight through a puddle and soaked me! I was not fucking impressed, so I flipped him off and shouted cunt at him lol!

Oh I was the first person waiting…haha. There was another guy that turned up not long after me, so we sat and chatted while we were waiting and he took my number. Loads of people soon started piling in! Which as a bit overwhelming but cool to see so many trans peeps in the same place ๐Ÿ™‚ Some were out like me, some weren’t and some were non binary etc, so yeah it was cool.

The workshop itself was good, talked about what to expect, went through the process and what sort of things are available to us, what is covered by the NHS and what things aren’t (all is covered apart from a boob job) Talked us through the surgeries, female to male and male to female, saw some graphic surgery pictures lol! That was a bit gross, especially the male to female surgery! EEEEP! But overall it was really good and I enjoyed it. Oh and I was chatting to a lady in there and I gave her to details of the trans group I go to as she doesn’t live too far from me which is cool.

I headed back to the coach stop, picking up a sandwich on the way through because I was so freaking hungry. But I could have actually stopped to eat something properly because the coach was an hour late! My phone had died and the plug on the coach where I was sat was broken… and the battery life on my tab is awful. I couldn’t really relax because I was just so anxious to get to L’s to get my babies!

The coach was 40 mins late getting to Bournemouth but the traffic and road works was fucking awful on the way back. I hopped into a taxi and went to L’s ๐Ÿ™‚ OMG it was soooo good to see my happy babies! Scrappy was crying bless him and foxy was happy barking at me lol!

I stayed at L’s for a little bit, just to catch up ๐Ÿ™‚ didn’t stay too long because I just needed to get into my bed so bad.

Got the bus home with the pups, chatting to a few friends.

Got in, grabbed some food, meds, chargers for phone and tab, chucked phone and tab in my bedroom, got a nice cold can of Pepsi and collapsed onto my bed with a big sigh of relief. Ah meds, food and a nice cold can of Pepsi was so lush!

I caught up with a few peeps online who were asking me about my day but I couldn’t stay up much longer. So I was sound asleep by about half 11 pm I think.

Wow it was a really long day but I am so so chuffed that I went and I did it all by myself ๐Ÿ™‚ and I made some friends too!

Today I woke up at 9 am, went for a pee, had something to eat and drink and went back to bed until 12 pm, I soooo needed it but I’m still not really fully functional lol. I’ve been in my own world most of the day.

I did do the housework this afternoon, did a load of laundry…that leaked grey and black onto lighter coloured clothes…oops lol! But whatever..

Went into town, got electric, paid my rent and treated myself to some new stuff. I got new trainers, boxers and two t-shirts. I think I bloody well deserved it ๐Ÿ˜€ that’s my story and I am sticking to it! haha.

Got back and relaxed for a bit, took some pain meds as my legs were aching. Then took the pups out for a nice walk ๐Ÿ™‚

This evening I’ve just been relaxing, wasn’t really hungry so just had a sandwich for dinner. Been catching up with my groups online which has been cool ๐Ÿ™‚

I suppose I am feeling ok tonight, just tired. I don’t really feel really happy or really depressed. I just feel ok…maybe I feel a little down but I think that’s because well it has been a hell of a week. I think the London trip was a massive distraction from what’s actually going on in my head if that makes sense. I was so anxious and wrapped up with worrying about the workshop that everything else I was worrying about has been pushed away. But I can feel it all slowly creeping back into my head, which sucks but there are things I need to deal with, like the shitty benefits wankers! URGH! So yeah I am fully expecting my mood to drop again.

Physically I’m ok, just really achy and tired. My skin on my right hand is really peeling all over my fingers. I’m not complaining because I like picking it but it does get a lil sore. I think I’m having a lil flare up because every day I feel a bit run down, which is a really crappy feeling.

Right I need to get to bed,

Peace out

Batman

Past traumas

Tonight I’ve been thinking and writing and I think I have found some causes/reasons as to why I think and feel the way I do sometimes. But it’s not a bad thing, it’s good to know why I am why I am, I don’t really think there’s much I can do about it though. Time will tell I suppose.

I’ll catch up quick before I go into the “deep thoughts” lol.

Thursday – L had a rare day and evening without the boys, so I decided to give group a miss and spend the day with her and have some adult time ๐Ÿ™‚

We took the pups for a walk, which was so so nice because it was so sunny and beautiful.

We had lunch at mine and chilled out for a bit and had a laugh. Settled the pups in the hallway with treats and toys, so they would be ok while we were out.

I took L to her hospital appointment, as I knew where she had to go. It was a good appointment and she did get a few answers, although I am sort of hoping that the bloods will revel something else as it would be a bit more of an answer then just fibro… but we will see.

After the appointment we went to the cinema ๐Ÿ™‚ we saw Sinister 2. L had never been to that cinema before so that was cool to show her where I love seeing films. We were the only 2 people in the entire showing lol, it was a good job because L screamed out LOUD like twice lol!

We came back to mine, ordered pizza hut for dinner ๐Ÿ™‚ which was so lush! Took the pups out for a wee and we sat in bed and both did some colouring, while the first Sinister film was on in the background, we didn’t watch it all though. Both our meds kicked in so we needed to sleep.

It was an interesting nights sleep lol, with 3 dogs in the bed. L’s dog Arnie kept sleeping on my head and they were all a bit restless. So I didn’t sleep that well but I slept enough to get through the day.

Friday – I woke up at 10 am, L had woken up before me. We chilled out for a bit. L got ready and left mine, so I had to get off my butt and get myself ready…urgh which I had to push myself because I just wanted to sleep. I managed it though..just lol.

M picked me up for the Weymouth group, it was nice to catch up on the way there. The group was good and it was nice to see everyone. When I got there though and I felt so tired, cold and poorly but I got through the group ok.

I got in at half 6, I cuddled my happy pups and kitties ๐Ÿ™‚ just seeing them makes me feel better. Sadly I couldn’t sit down for long, but I did make some money and sold a Superdry coat that I’ve hardly worn, I nipped into the shop to get a few bits.

I felt so awful when I got in and just wanted to snuggle up in bed but before I could do so I had to take the pups out for a quick wee and run. I then snuggled up in bed with my tab, my colouring, food, Pepsi, tablets, tv and my pups.

It was very much needed, I relaxed, had some food, finished my picture in my Animorphia book and started another in my new book. I played on my tab, snuggled with the pups and went to sleep ๐Ÿ™‚

Today I woke up early, had a drink, breakfast and pain meds and then went back to sleep until 11 am.

I cleaned up my shit pit of a flat but I felt better for it. Got myself cleaned up too and I took the pups out for a wee and a quick run.

I spent the afternoon, watching a film and I finished colouring in the lil Hedgehog I started last night, who is really cute and I love it ๐Ÿ™‚

Had a nice chunky soup for dinner, then took the pups out for a walk, we were out for 2 hours. It was nice and sunny but the weather was chilly.

This evening I’ve just been relaxing and writing.

So this all brings me back to the now, I’m feeling a little chesty, snotty and tired but that’s nothing unusual. I think I am having a lil flare right now because the skin on my index fingers are peeling too which is another sign.

Mentally I am doing ok-ish, I’m struggling a little, with a bit of everything I suppose. Struggling with the gender dysphoria, my mood, eating/food/appetite/food shopping and unpicking my past and why I feel the way I do.

I think it’s weird how things come out as I am writing and talking about things. I suppose it’s a good thing though because then I can deal with these things that pop up and unpick things.

I was having a conversation with someone about why I feel like a boy and this was my reply –

I suppose I do feel like a boy because I’m pre hormones and pre any operations so at the moment I am only a boy in mind and how I express myself (how I dress etc) I always refer to myself as a boy.

But I also feel young as well, even though I am 30, I live on my own, look after myself and my flat and my pets. I still feel about 15 but I think that is down to trauma… maybe. The trauma being my parents divorced 2 years before I was 15 but it was extremely messy for a long time after. At 15 years old I finally got a diagnosis of a life long illness which is a auto immune disorder. ย So I think I’ve processed all these events as trauma, so I still feel at that young age.

I also feel quite young because of my interests, I love Batman and playing with Lego’s, colouring in and I just want to play, mess about and have fun. But again I know that comes down to being forced to grow up quickly and had to let go of my childhood and toys when I wasn’t ready at all. So again I think I just regress.

But yeah so I’m a boy but I’m ok with that. But after my transition I have this image of being a suave, handsome gentleman lol but I’ll still be this lil skater boy that might look a little bit older lol and that’s all.

Yeah so I discovered that what I went through at 13 and 15 is/was a trauma/traumatic event. Which is why I feel young and portray myself or others see me as young because I am stuck at that age, I don’t know if there’s anything I can do about it.

I feel as though I have made my peace with my parents divorce, it is what it is and dad isn’t here now anyway. I do feel though that the situation has impacted on the relationship with my mum and it is the way it is in part to that whole horrible, ugly situation. But her actions since then haven’t helped out relationship at all either.. and I do have a lot of resentment towards her and I would go as far as saying that I actually hate her and I have no real desire for her to be in my life any more. That sounds awful because she brought me into this world but she’s not been the best mother ever. But it doesn’t mean that my feelings aren’t valid just because she’s my mother. I am pretty much done with the relationship but a tiny part holds on because we she is my mum… But it’s toxic and there’s nothing I can do to improve it because I’ve tried over and over. I feel like I am going around in circles a bit with this relationship…

The trauma at 15 of being diagnosed with a life long illness, now I act like I am fine with it and I deal with it. But I do struggle with it, I struggle with it a lot more then I probably let on to people. But I really have no choice but to just get on with it, look after myself etc because no one else is going to do it for me, maybe it makes me a bit closed to other people but I have to protect myself because any small thing could tip me over and it’s very hard to get myself back on a even keel. It was hard growing up with an illness and invisible illness, it was hard missing out on lots of my schooling. I’ve never had any help in dealing with the emotional toll that dealing with a physical illness leaves you with. That help has never been there, even though I’ve asked more then 100 times over the past 15 yrs. Just left to deal with it.. and it’s not like mum was really there to help either.

Urgh so yeah…. lots of things even coming out from writing more now. I think I’m going to take all this to counselling on Tues and maybe pick through it there.

It’s late now, so I need to start wrapping this up and getting some sleep.

Wow this was a heavy one but it all comes from the heart.

Peace out

Batman

Recharging myself

Ahh I am so so tired, even though I’ve slept most of the day. I think I am coming down with a cold or something.

It’s been a few days since I posted, mainly because I’ve been taking some time out to myself. So I’ll do a quick catch up.

Thursday – Group… It was ok but I just felt shut down. Pissed me right off which triggered the time out to myself bit. So this day was pretty much a write off.

But I had myself a pizza hut for dinner and started a new picture in my Animorphia book and just chilled out and ignored my phone. I totally needed it.

I had a nice shower with my baby bedtime wash, which totally helps adults too ๐Ÿ™‚ made me feel more relaxed and sat in bed with my babies, did some more colouring in and had a batman cartoon film on in the background, then went to sleep after the film had finished.

Friday – I slept really well the night before but still didn’t want to wake up lol.

Fracture clinic update – The Dr is happy with the movement of my elbow and in the x-ray the fracture is hardly visible now, but still got another 4 weeks healing. It doesn’t look like my thumb is broken thank god! My pain in it is loads better, but if I still get pain within the next 2 weeks I can go back and they will scan it. But I don’t think it is cuz I’ve been able to start slowly using my hand, it just has no power in it, can’t lift anything yet.

I got the bus back into town and then another bus to Asda, I don’t usually do that but my legs were so sore and I was really tired.

I took the pups out for a quick wee, came back and snuggled up on the sofa with some lunch and had an hours nap.

Did some more colouring in ๐Ÿ™‚ and I so in love with the Animorphia book.

I went into town for an hour and posted some tops I bought for my friends bump ๐Ÿ™‚ and I went into see my friend in the sweet shop.

Had myself some dinner and took the pups out for a nice long walk. It was so nice out and I got some really lovely pictures ๐Ÿ™‚ I so love living here, it’s such a beautiful place.

I love being out with the dogs, I love being by the sea, makes me feel at peace and just happy. I always feel better after a nice walk with them.

When I got home I had to give Mr scrappy a nice wash because he stank of the sea and fox poop lol, I definitely didn’t want him in my bed stinking it up! He hates having a shower, yet he will roll and run through anything lol. I had a nice relaxing shower after him and got into my pjs ๐Ÿ™‚

Just spent the evening relaxing in front of the tv, had a lil visitor which was cool ๐Ÿ™‚

I didn’t end up going to bed until about 2 am lol.

So that leads to today ๐Ÿ™‚

I slept well again last night, think my sleep is back on track again which is good, that’s probably because I am eating better and I’m not going to bed still feeling hungry.

I didn’t wake up till about 10 am, I had some breakfast and watched some TV. By midday I was tired and I slept until 5 pm lol! I think I needed it.

Got a shower, got dressed and had some dinner. Then spent an hour across the road with the pups while the they were running about and again I felt so at peace out there with them.

I’ve just been relaxing this evening. Watched Dante’s Peak, love that film so so much.

Still feeling really tired but I think I’ve got a bit of a sinus infection again, been feeling really snotty and snuffly lately. Hope it just goes away, can’t deal with having a cold right now.

I plan to be a bit more productive tomorrow, the plan is the clean up the flat, take the pups out for a walk, have a nice dinner and do some colouring ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m definitely going to bed much earlier then 2 am.

The weather has cooled right down and I can not stop shaving! WOOHOO! I am now in jeans, t-shirts and hoodies ๐Ÿ˜€ So I can get away with being a guy a bit better. I really need to look into getting a sports bra to flatten my chest down a bit, without the discomfort of a binder. Just need to pick up the courage to shop for one.

Here’s some pictures from my walk yesterday

ย YUP ๐Ÿ™‚

ย Scrappy by the sea where we scattered my dad โค

ย My beautiful foxy girl ๐Ÿ™‚

ย Scrappy loves swimming

ย โค

ย โค

ย โค

ย Looks so peaceful

ย Just stunning โค

ย My gorgeous babies โค

Some pictures from today

ย Foxy girl

ย Scrappy doodles

ย Happy pups ๐Ÿ™‚

ย โค

Peace out

Batman

A lil irritable

Ahhh I keep getting distracted by the pups, cat and the tiny kitten that keeps meowing at me lol! It’s now gone midnight so I better crack on as I’ve got to get up early tomorrow to take foxy girl to get her haircut.

I’m just trying to think what the heck happened today lol, I woke up early but was still tired so I had breakfast and went back to bed until a more reasonable hour then 6 am.

Chilled out for a bit but time was getting on so had to get my butt up and clean the flat up, oh and get showered and dressed before my O.T came over lol. But I always feel good when the place is looking tidy. Harley didn’t like the hoover lol, she ran and hid under the sofa till I finished, bless her.

My O.T (occupational therapist) arrived about 12:30 pm and she didn’t leave till 2:15 pm lol. She was so nice and we ended up just chatting about everything which was cool. I actually know her son, he was the year below me at school, such a small world. Anyway she is going to order me the perching stool for the kitchen and I will get that Mon at the latest which is cool, but the corner stool that she thinks will be best for the shower is something the don’t stock so she has to take that to the team meeting on Tues to put the case forward, but she said it shouldn’t be a problem. It will just take a bit longer which sucks a bit as I’m so desperate for it but least the ball is rolling now ๐Ÿ™‚

After she left I went into town, got some electric and paid my rent. I used my love to shop voucher to go towards a ring that I’ve had my eye on, so I treated myself to that ๐Ÿ™‚ I went to Primark and bought a cool Batman wallet, a Jaws vest top and just a plain vest top. I had my shopping list with me and ended up getting all the non food bits I needed in poundland, they had everything I needed and worked out cheaper then getting it in Asda.

So I dropped my shopping home and went to do my food shopping and had to order some meds as well. Got everything I needed and I may have a little bit accidentally bought Leo a Batman pj set lol ๐Ÿ˜€ and I got myself Maze runner on dvd, it’s such a good film.

I got ambushed by my happy puppies when I got home lol, which I love coming home too ๐Ÿ™‚ unpacked the shopping and shoved it all away. Then chilled and watched friends for a bit before having some dinner again, I’m happy that I’ve been eating a bit more then I have been, I feel less dizzy all the time.

After dinner I felt so tired, so I laid out on the sofa with the pups just watching friends still. I was thinking that maybe I would have a lil snooze but I felt restless at the same time so ended up getting back up. My nan and grandad popped over for 10 mins with some beetroot and potatoes that they’ve grown in their allotment, so that’s pretty cool and can’t wait to try them.

The pups were restless and I was tired but restless…so I took them out for a walk. It was ok but it started to rain and it was freaking cold! I come over feeling really irritable and grumpy so didn’t really enjoy the walk at all just wanted to go home.

My mood has picked up a bit this evening and I feel less easily irritated and grumpy. But I suppose I can’t be happy 24/7 lol, as soon as my mood changes I jump straight on it and analyze the shit out of it and my brain just goes into over drive when it really doesn’t need to but I can’t help it. Anyway when I got in I got straight onto the laptop and I’ve been distracted away from the fuzz that was going around in my head. I do feel like I just need one whole day of doing nothing, not even getting dressed, so I am hoping I can do that at some point this week *fingers*crossed* I need it so I don’t burn out or piss someone off by accident.

My chest is still a bit tight and chesty so I’m going to try and do another sputum sample this week and I’m hoping I don’t need another round of antibiotics….but I may well do. I also need to go back to the hand therapist as my fingers are still quite sore and my little finger is bent as fuck and I cannot straighten it! So I need to book another appointment with them.

Tomorrow morning foxy is off to the groomers so she will be able to see again lol, need to pick up food for the pups and the cats while I’m near the pet shop that holds the more natural food I get them. The cats food is good because I can give it to both Marley and Harley without having to give Harley separate kitten food, she can eat what Moo eats which is a money saver lol. I’ve also caught Harley eating the dogs kibble lol! she will eat whatever! She keeps jumping onto my plate while I’m trying to eat my dinner, she kept stealing my bacon bits lol. I digress lol so after that my bro wants to meet up so don’t know what we’ll be doing but should be a good afternoon ๐Ÿ™‚

Ooops it’s gone 1 am, I am SOOOO not going to want to get up tomorrow.. :/ well better get this posted and my lil butt off to bed ๐Ÿ™‚

Peace out

Batman