A day in the life of a trans guy – Top Surgery

I’ve not posted anything in a while, I always think I have to be ‘in the right mood’ in order to be able to write a good post, but I realised that was just me being lazy and procrastinating. I decided I just need to get over myself and WRITE! I enjoy writing, it always makes me feel better, so I’m not sure why I stop myself.

A lot has happened in the last 2 months, since my last post. The main big news is that I’ve finally had top surgery! I had it 5 weeks ago 20th August! Everything went really well, my scars and new nipples look amazing! I am beyond happy! I’m still having to wear a compression binder..Urgh! But hopefully another week longer and I’ll be free!

I have a check up on Thursday, as I have a clot of blood sat on my right side of the chest, that they just need to drain and hopefully after that I won’t need to go back again. Wearing the compression binder has been pretty brutal, as I’ve been wearing it for nearly 5 weeks straight. I’ve had a few days where I’ve taken it off and given my chest a break. My skin is a bit sore where the binder has been rubbing on my skin and my ribs on the left are a bit swollen and this is exactly why I didn’t wear a binder in the first place, because its just too painful, uncomfortable and hot.

I have had a handful of good friends who’ve been so great during this time, I was so grateful to have people take me to the hospital before my op, bring me home, friends looking after my fur babies and friends taking me back and forth for check up apps and a couple of people coming over. It was one of the things I was worried about but I got there and back and my fur babies were look after, those were the most important things. So that made things easier.

Recovery has been a bit more difficult, its been pretty lonely and boring. I think week 3 of recovery was when I went out on my own, as I was so bored and I just needed to get out and then I also took the dogs out for the day which was great but man did that put me on my ass for the next few days. I’ve been trying to walk and get out as much as I can to start building myself up again, but still gotta take it easy and there’s still things I’ve got to be careful doing. I can’t reach my arms over my head yet and I can’t lift anything heavy still either.

Just been trying to occupy my time with different things, reading, meditation, gaming, playing inside with the dogs, napping, Netflix, colouring in. I keep I suppose its disassociating and just sitting staring and hours pass by and I haven’t moved or done anything. I also keep getting bouts of really bad anxiety, like anxiety I’ve not experienced before, it’s been so bad that I can’t move, I can’t tolerate noise, I’m just frozen and I felt so exhausted. Some days I was able to push through and make myself get out of the house, even just to walk to dogs, but even that was a massive effort. So things haven’t all been great just because I’ve had surgery, like it doesn’t solve all the issues, that I previously was struggling with. I think loneliness and isolation has really made it worse, as usual. It sucks not being able to volunteer and not having the energy to be out as much as I would like to be. It has had a huge emotional toll and I still haven’t really processed it and I think that’s another reason I’ve put off writing, because it means I don’t have to empty my guts out onto a page and examine what the fucks going on in that crazy brain of mine. I suppose this could be the start of the process but who knows.

So yeah its not been all flowers and rainbows, its been hard. I think the first 2 weeks after surgery, I kept having moments of feeling so blissed out, which was incredible. But then like I said the issues I had already before surgery reared their ugly heads again. But I mean I’m ok, I’m just frustrated, I miss not being in a routine and just doing things, I miss volunteering and seeing people. Kinda feels like a bit of a step back with the isolation… but I mean yeah.. I’m sure that will get better once I can do stuff again.

Above are pictures of my hospital room, me before and after surgery. I’m pretty impressed with how incredibly well my body has healed so far. The body is an amazing thing! I’m so blessed not to have had any major complications and everything has gone relatively well.

Just before surgery I had to have a ultrasound scan of my womb, as I was coming up to two years on testosterone, so its something they do. Results came back to say the lining of my womb is still thick and it shouldn’t be, so gotta go to gynaecologist in Dec, not overly looking forward to that, but its good they are looking into what might be happening.

2 days after surgery was my 2 years on testosterone anniversary 22nd August! I can’t believe it! It’s gone so quickly! I look so different too! In spite of all the mental health stuff I have going on, I do feel better on a more spiritual level, I feel more me, I just feel right now, well getting there, but I do feel more comfortable being me. I’m sure as more time passes the better that will get. I’m so proud of how far I’ve come and I still have a way to go, but I’m finally on the road I want to be.

Well that’s all for now, I hope whoever read this, enjoys it.

Peace out,

Zak

Chronic pain and fatigue

Days like today just reinforces my limitations of daily life. Yesterday was great fun but today I could barely drag my body around. All my anger towards this illness surfaces on days like today and I’ve got to try and “deal/process” it which is incredibly hard, especially as I’ve had zero emotional support surrounding my physical health issues.

Before I carry on I’ll have a quick update about the last few days.

Sunday – Didn’t really do anything just slept a lot, I was hurting from head to toe. I did go to my brothers for a few hours for dinner, which was nice. When I got home I spent a little time on the laptop but then spent the rest of the evening playing Lego Jurassic world.

Monday – I struggled to get going in the morning, I managed to drag myself around to do the housework and have a shower. Just in time for my friend to drop her boy over, for some boy time. We took the pups out for a quick wee, went and got some biscuits and then spent the rest of the time watching cartoons 🙂 which is a morning well spent in my mind.

In the afternoon I met L and the boys, went for a short walk. It was too cold to go far. They spent the rest of the day at mine, we played with the pups, watched Frozen and did some colouring. It was so much fun, I love playing with the pups an Albert. Harvey is much harder to engage with, as all he wants to do is either play on my ps3 or play fight, which he’s starting to get far to big for now. He’s nearly 9 and getting taller and stronger, he has no interest in colouring in, or anything where you have to sit and use your imagination. I really want to find something I can get him to engage with, as otherwise I feel like he’s a bit left out. He just ends up playing by himself in his own world, but it’s such repetitive play, just the same thing over and over every single time he comes round and even when he’s at home. Its just finding something that’s not play fighting or gaming related to get him to do something else. Its really difficult because when I ask him what he wants to do, he doesn’t really know. He does have potential to do whatever he wants its just unlocking it and finding him a hobby or a different form of play. Autism is complicated, but I will not be beaten and I will get inside his lil brain to unlock him. It fascinates me so much and I really want to help get him involved when we are all playing, I want to get him included but its hard when he won’t join in.

Anyway they left about nearly an hour before I was leaving to go to my trans group social. Which was good as usual 🙂

So back to today, I woke up at 8 am had a pee and went back to sleep until half 10. I still felt really tired and so achy, as I’d ran out of Tramadol and needed to pick my prescription up from the chemist.

I barely managed to get a shower and get dressed. I dragged myself across the road to let the pups run around, I just sat on the bench watching them. I just couldn’t walk around, my whole body felt heavy and slow.

Dropped the pups home and dragged my ass down to the shop to pick up my Tramadol and got a few other bits I needed. While I was in there, I suddenly felt this weird feeling in one of my fingers, if felt like it was about to explode…it was just a burst blood vessel. So I now have a very swollen and bruised finger..urgh.

I just spent all afternoon relaxing, I did try and sleep but I just couldn’t! Which was fucking annoying, I was tired enough for a sleep but I was just in too much pain. I couldn’t get comfortable, I couldn’t relax enough 😦 stupid painsomina.

Just been binge watching things I’ve recorded on sky, whilst playing fetch with Scrappy and the laser pen with both of them, also been playing with the cats. I just sit on the floor and they all surround me 🙂 I love it. They make days like today a bit easier to deal with…well along with some cookies!

I don’t have much planned for tomorrow either, I have to wait in for someone to come and lower my shower pole for me. Its too high for me to reach when I’m sat on the stool and I can’t raise my arms above my head for too long.

I still feel extremely exhausted so another day of rest is probably a good plan. I don’t get too bored staying in these days, mainly because of the dogs but I’ve really got into gaming and all my Lego I have now. I have more hobbies and things I like to to, whereas in the past I hated being bored because I never knew what to do, I didn’t have much to do. I’m able to focus myself more now into a specific task. I hate being bored, it really effects my mood and makes it really low.

 Both my babies have bandanna’s now 😀 they look so cute!

Anyway that’s all for now, I need to rest my eyes from this screen.

Peace out

Batman

Agitated as FUCK!

Urgh I’ve been sat here for fucking ages just looking at stuff online, not even taking it in because I feel fucking shit! and so fucking frustrated and agitated. I don’t really know why…Possibly triggered by counselling… but I’m not sure.

My mood dropped after I opened my post this afternoon, it was from the Department of Work and Pensions. It says that I have to start the process of applying for the Personal Independent Payment, which will replace the Disability Living Allowance… This fucking process is BULLSHIT! and so stressful. Because I have to prove yet again that I am sick and list all the things that I cannot fucking do due to being fucking sick! I fucking hate the whole fucking thing. Plus I’ve got to do all the leg work in getting them proof as well! Fucking CUNTS!

Ha yeah I’m not mad at all tonight…. But yeah it makes me so furious! Urgh it’s just all to much to deal with right now. I have emailed my occupational therapist about my benefits and a few other bits. So I am hoping she can help me sort this shit out.

I had an okay day up until then, I slept ok-ish last night. Did the housework this morning, didn’t walk the dogs because the weathers been fucking shit all day long. Finished colouring my frog and spent most of the day with Friends on tv.

I can’t human any more today. The only thing I know that for sure will make me feel better is cutting, fuck I miss it soooo fucking much! It hurts inside, physically hurts because I haven’t cut in tow years. Yeah it’s great cuz it’s bad blah blah blah! But I fucking LOVE IT! for some weird fucking reason. I NEED it so fucking bad and nothing even comes close to it, not holding ice, not drawing on myself NOTHING! because it’s not the fucking same! But if I did cut I would kick myself for it because I’ve come so far..but I can start that 2 years again….I feel so weird when I talk about it, my whole body just aches because it wants it as bad as my head does. Literally don’t know how tonight will end… I will either just go to bed. Or cut and go to bed.. 2 options. Fucking hate this. Why is this not socially acceptable?? I love cutting so bad. I can’t even talk about it any more because I feel so physically uncomfortable because I crave it so bad.

Group tomorrow.. meh. I may go.

I’m out, I can’t be fucked tonight!

Peace,

Batman

The fatigue monster will not beat me!

Hmm so my brain keeps stopping today because I’m so tired and I’ve been tired since I woke up… the joys of chronic fatigue. But I shall try to string some sentences together in hope they make some sort of sense lol.

I slept ok last night up until 5 am, when I woke up feeling really hot. I got up to pee and cool down a bit, got back into bed and put my white noise app on because I felt really unsettled for some reason and my alarm wasn’t going off until 10 am.

I did get back to sleep until 10 am but I still felt unsettled but I have vague memories of weird dreams… all I remember is being stuck in a room with dismembered bodies..but I don’t know what the context was lol.

Did my usual morning things to get ready to leave the flat. Everything felt like it took forever and it was such a fucking massive effort, putting on 1 sock felt impossible… but I managed to get showered, dressed, took the pups out for a quick wee and got myself off to my 1:1.

My 1:1 was a good session, although I felt like my brain was jumping about a bit because I was just so exhausted and I had little concentration. But it was a good session 🙂

On my way home I got myself a jam donut and croissant, I needed a little snack before dinner and I’d not eaten lunch, only breakfast. I snuggled up on the sofa with my pups and just chilled right out. I did intend to have a lil nap but I sat doing some colouring in for ages, until my hand was sore. It was really relaxing and I enjoy it so much and probably much better then having a nap as I really want to sleep well tonight, I hope last night was just an off night.

I had some dinner, I didn’t eat it all but I did manage to eat most of it. I am putting real effort into not stressing about how much I eat, as long as I eat something then that is totally better then nothing. But whatever I ate something 🙂

Even though my lil fatigue monster was wanting me to just stay sat on the sofa, I fought against him and took the pups out for a walk, we were out for just over an hour. The pups needed it and I needed it, despite the fatigue. A gentle walk always helps me centre myself and just feel a bit better, despite being in pain and being exhausted. I suppose that’s the happy hormones that makes me feel that way 🙂 but whatever it is I’m glad I went.

This evening I’ve just been relaxing, I did do a bit more colouring in of Mr Froggy 🙂

I have a plan of what I want to accomplish tomorrow but I feel it maybe a little over ambitious. Although that maybe because I am feeling exhausted right now. My plan is to do the housework in the morning, have lunch and take the pups up to the heath for a walk and cook myself a nice dinner in the evening, oh and hopefully do some colouring too lol. I really hope I am able to do this because I’ve not taken the pups to the heath for ages and I love being up there 🙂

Fingers crossed I feel up to doing it all ❤

I’m feeling ok this evening mood wise, just wish someone else could carry my load for a little while, so I can have a break.

After that bit of self indulgent crap lol, I shall end this ramble.

Peace out

Batman

Wrapping up another week..

Sat on the sofa with the balcony door open just listening to the rain, there’s something relaxing about listening to the rain when I’m sat inside nice and dry.

I’m still feeling the effects of getting my head around everything I wrote in yesterdays post about past traumas because well it’s pretty heavy stuff. But it needs to come out and it needs to be worked through, unpicked and sorted into a bit of a neater pile then its in right now. Because right now it’s in a massive great big mess in my head but the more I write about it, the more I talk about it, the more I can make sense of it all.

I haven’t done much today, I’ve just slept lots, coloured in a few pictures as well, took the pups across the road a few times for a run, cooked myself a sausage and bean casserole in the slow cooker as well. It’s been a good day, just been trying not to reflect on things too much because that can bring my mood down.

I forgot to mention something on yesterdays post, I made some cakes yesterday evening and I’ve not made any for a long while, in fact it’s the first time this YEAR I made cakes, which is unusual for me. But in between breaking bones I’ve just not had the energy to stand and bake cakes. Anyway last night I made some yummy lil cakes as its something I enjoy, plus I enjoy eating them too 🙂 I used my perching stool and wow it does make such a difference to me, I could bake and not been exhausted and in agony afterwards. But with the stool, I wasn’t in too much pain or extra pain and I wasn’t too tired either 🙂 So chuffed with it but I suppose it’s bitter sweet because it sucks that I’m 30 and need this to help me. But yeah whatever..

Tomorrow I am meeting someone from the Recovery Education Centre to talk about doing some courses with them. All their courses are around dealing with mental health, all the courses look amazing and I want to do them all lol. Usually people do 3 courses at a time but I think with the groups I do I’m only going to do one course at a time, as I think that will be enough for me to take on right now. I am really looking forward to getting my teeth into something new 🙂 It should be fun and if it aids my continuing recovery then it can only be a good thing.

I have my gender identity counselling again Tuesday, so looking forward to that. Thursday I have my LGBT mental health group Mind out and that’s all I really have planned this week. In between all of this I need to rest, as I have London a week on Tuesday, so I need to be fairly well in every way to cope with such a long day.

I still don’t really know what this workshop is but I am excited to go up and see where to gender clinic is and just get a feel of things 🙂 Plus I get to see my best friend too! I am mega excited to see him again!

The weather has been loads cooler again today and I was able to go out in jeans, hoodie and baseball cap and not feel hot! FINALLY! I feel and look much more like a boy too 🙂 which makes me very very happy!

Just looked over at my pets 🙂 I have 3 of them next to me, Harley is right next to me, stretched right out fast asleep and foxy and scrappy are on the other side of the sofa snuggled up together 🙂 so so sweet, I love how close they are. Miss Marley moo is sat up on her post having a bit of peace and quiet away from them us all lol. I love them so so much, I just look at them and beam with pride and they make me feel so emotional because I love them unconditionally, with every ounce of my heart and soul and I would do anything to make sure they are happy, healthy and have their needs met. I’m fiercely protective of them too ❤ Scrappy did paw today, finally after trying to teach him all summer, he’s finally got it 🙂 lol! Practice make perfect I suppose, bless him my lil dude.

I’m just trying to figure out where my head is right now and I’m not really sure where it’s at… I think I’m just numb right now, to be honest I think that’s the best, as it probably has to potential to bring my mood down.

I better get myself and my beautiful pups into bed very soon, so I’m going to finish off now. I’m really tired tonight so I know I’ll sleep well.

Peace out

Batman

Past traumas

Tonight I’ve been thinking and writing and I think I have found some causes/reasons as to why I think and feel the way I do sometimes. But it’s not a bad thing, it’s good to know why I am why I am, I don’t really think there’s much I can do about it though. Time will tell I suppose.

I’ll catch up quick before I go into the “deep thoughts” lol.

Thursday – L had a rare day and evening without the boys, so I decided to give group a miss and spend the day with her and have some adult time 🙂

We took the pups for a walk, which was so so nice because it was so sunny and beautiful.

We had lunch at mine and chilled out for a bit and had a laugh. Settled the pups in the hallway with treats and toys, so they would be ok while we were out.

I took L to her hospital appointment, as I knew where she had to go. It was a good appointment and she did get a few answers, although I am sort of hoping that the bloods will revel something else as it would be a bit more of an answer then just fibro… but we will see.

After the appointment we went to the cinema 🙂 we saw Sinister 2. L had never been to that cinema before so that was cool to show her where I love seeing films. We were the only 2 people in the entire showing lol, it was a good job because L screamed out LOUD like twice lol!

We came back to mine, ordered pizza hut for dinner 🙂 which was so lush! Took the pups out for a wee and we sat in bed and both did some colouring, while the first Sinister film was on in the background, we didn’t watch it all though. Both our meds kicked in so we needed to sleep.

It was an interesting nights sleep lol, with 3 dogs in the bed. L’s dog Arnie kept sleeping on my head and they were all a bit restless. So I didn’t sleep that well but I slept enough to get through the day.

Friday – I woke up at 10 am, L had woken up before me. We chilled out for a bit. L got ready and left mine, so I had to get off my butt and get myself ready…urgh which I had to push myself because I just wanted to sleep. I managed it though..just lol.

M picked me up for the Weymouth group, it was nice to catch up on the way there. The group was good and it was nice to see everyone. When I got there though and I felt so tired, cold and poorly but I got through the group ok.

I got in at half 6, I cuddled my happy pups and kitties 🙂 just seeing them makes me feel better. Sadly I couldn’t sit down for long, but I did make some money and sold a Superdry coat that I’ve hardly worn, I nipped into the shop to get a few bits.

I felt so awful when I got in and just wanted to snuggle up in bed but before I could do so I had to take the pups out for a quick wee and run. I then snuggled up in bed with my tab, my colouring, food, Pepsi, tablets, tv and my pups.

It was very much needed, I relaxed, had some food, finished my picture in my Animorphia book and started another in my new book. I played on my tab, snuggled with the pups and went to sleep 🙂

Today I woke up early, had a drink, breakfast and pain meds and then went back to sleep until 11 am.

I cleaned up my shit pit of a flat but I felt better for it. Got myself cleaned up too and I took the pups out for a wee and a quick run.

I spent the afternoon, watching a film and I finished colouring in the lil Hedgehog I started last night, who is really cute and I love it 🙂

Had a nice chunky soup for dinner, then took the pups out for a walk, we were out for 2 hours. It was nice and sunny but the weather was chilly.

This evening I’ve just been relaxing and writing.

So this all brings me back to the now, I’m feeling a little chesty, snotty and tired but that’s nothing unusual. I think I am having a lil flare right now because the skin on my index fingers are peeling too which is another sign.

Mentally I am doing ok-ish, I’m struggling a little, with a bit of everything I suppose. Struggling with the gender dysphoria, my mood, eating/food/appetite/food shopping and unpicking my past and why I feel the way I do.

I think it’s weird how things come out as I am writing and talking about things. I suppose it’s a good thing though because then I can deal with these things that pop up and unpick things.

I was having a conversation with someone about why I feel like a boy and this was my reply –

I suppose I do feel like a boy because I’m pre hormones and pre any operations so at the moment I am only a boy in mind and how I express myself (how I dress etc) I always refer to myself as a boy.

But I also feel young as well, even though I am 30, I live on my own, look after myself and my flat and my pets. I still feel about 15 but I think that is down to trauma… maybe. The trauma being my parents divorced 2 years before I was 15 but it was extremely messy for a long time after. At 15 years old I finally got a diagnosis of a life long illness which is a auto immune disorder.  So I think I’ve processed all these events as trauma, so I still feel at that young age.

I also feel quite young because of my interests, I love Batman and playing with Lego’s, colouring in and I just want to play, mess about and have fun. But again I know that comes down to being forced to grow up quickly and had to let go of my childhood and toys when I wasn’t ready at all. So again I think I just regress.

But yeah so I’m a boy but I’m ok with that. But after my transition I have this image of being a suave, handsome gentleman lol but I’ll still be this lil skater boy that might look a little bit older lol and that’s all.

Yeah so I discovered that what I went through at 13 and 15 is/was a trauma/traumatic event. Which is why I feel young and portray myself or others see me as young because I am stuck at that age, I don’t know if there’s anything I can do about it.

I feel as though I have made my peace with my parents divorce, it is what it is and dad isn’t here now anyway. I do feel though that the situation has impacted on the relationship with my mum and it is the way it is in part to that whole horrible, ugly situation. But her actions since then haven’t helped out relationship at all either.. and I do have a lot of resentment towards her and I would go as far as saying that I actually hate her and I have no real desire for her to be in my life any more. That sounds awful because she brought me into this world but she’s not been the best mother ever. But it doesn’t mean that my feelings aren’t valid just because she’s my mother. I am pretty much done with the relationship but a tiny part holds on because we she is my mum… But it’s toxic and there’s nothing I can do to improve it because I’ve tried over and over. I feel like I am going around in circles a bit with this relationship…

The trauma at 15 of being diagnosed with a life long illness, now I act like I am fine with it and I deal with it. But I do struggle with it, I struggle with it a lot more then I probably let on to people. But I really have no choice but to just get on with it, look after myself etc because no one else is going to do it for me, maybe it makes me a bit closed to other people but I have to protect myself because any small thing could tip me over and it’s very hard to get myself back on a even keel. It was hard growing up with an illness and invisible illness, it was hard missing out on lots of my schooling. I’ve never had any help in dealing with the emotional toll that dealing with a physical illness leaves you with. That help has never been there, even though I’ve asked more then 100 times over the past 15 yrs. Just left to deal with it.. and it’s not like mum was really there to help either.

Urgh so yeah…. lots of things even coming out from writing more now. I think I’m going to take all this to counselling on Tues and maybe pick through it there.

It’s late now, so I need to start wrapping this up and getting some sleep.

Wow this was a heavy one but it all comes from the heart.

Peace out

Batman

Gender Dysphoria….joys..NOT!

I definitely feel that a positive attitude has helped me get through yesterday and has helped me feel much better then I did on Monday.

I slept really well Mon night despite sleeping most of the day but I knew I would because I was just so so exhausted.

Tuesday was really productive though, I was up and out by 9 am, took the pups for a wee, went into town to pay bills, did laundry, did my food shopping online, ordered myself some new jeans. I just sorted stuff out..can’t remember the rest lol.

In the afternoon I had a lady pick up some clothes and dog stuff that was going to help the homeless 🙂

I then had to take the pups up to the vets to get their worming and flea treatment sorted and they were well behaved as usual.

My best mate was in town while I was out, so she went to my place to wait for me and we hung out for a few hours which was really cool.

After she went I had myself some dinner, a proper dinner again. It was only a small dinner but I’m trying hard to at least eat decent food, even if it’s a small portion. When I got my food shopping I ordered proper food, things I can make decent meals from. I got stuff to make a nice beef casserole with 🙂 I’ll do that at then end of the month.

After dinner I took the pups out for an hour just and we got back just as it was getting dark. Scrappy flopped on the sofa when we got home because I took his ball out with us and wow he loves fetch so much, he didn’t stop.

I felt really peaceful after out walk, it’s something about being out by the sea that does it for me 🙂 so I wanted to make that last so I spent the evening doing some colouring. I went to bed feeling really contented.

Slept really well last night but I was awake about 7 am, so I did my usual and had breakfast and then fell back to sleep on the sofa. But I got rudely woken up by the police wanting to get into the building without alerting the person they wanted to speak too, so they buzzed me and I nearly fell off the sofa trying to get up and answer the door in a confused state lol. But I went back to sleep until nearly 12 pm lol! I did intend to clean up this morning but the flat doesn’t actually look too bad so I didn’t bother.

H turned up and I was still hanging out in my pjs lol! We chilled out, I was waiting for my food shopping to come but as H was there I was able to quickly hop in the shower and get dressed.

My food shopping came and there was a few subs, like I got diet pepsi instead of Pepsi but I live so close to the shop and I said the guy the main reason I have been ordering food because I can’t lift anything because I’m recovering from a fractured arm, so he was kind enough to go back to the shop and come back with regular Pepsi, which I was so chuffed about because that would have been wayyy to heavy for my to carry with my sore arm.

So after all that jazz, H and I caught a train into Bournmouth and spent the day shopping. Which was so cool as we’ve not done anything like that in ages because she’s not been well. But it was just so cool to just chill and hang out. I bought myself a new Vans top in the sale and a new colouring book called Enchanted Forest – An Inky Quest.

A funny situation did happen in a sports shop… We went in to have a look and I was looking at the sports bra’s to see if they would help flatten my man boobs down, so H an I both tried some on, she actually wants her for the gym. But anyway the first one I tried was difficult to get on but I managed it but it didn’t flatten much which sucked but the second one I tried on was too tight and I got stuck with my man boobs out and my arms in the air lol, so H had to rescue me and pull me out of it! Good job she was with me lol. It was funny but the trying them on triggered the gender dysphoria but I that’s gonna happen I suppose, I’m glad I did try but it’s just a case of trying different ones to get the effect I want. But yeah it was difficult to not let the gender dysphoria not effect my mood as it did put my head into a bit of a spin. Being with my best mate and having a good day with her helped me deal with it.

This evening we chilled out and watched Maze Runner as H had never seen it and the new film is coming out soon, I cannot wait and she loved it and I knew she would 🙂

H and I left mine at the same time as I wanted to take the pups out for a walk by the sea before it got too dark. I pretty much legged it to Baiter where I like to walk, just so we still had some light and Scrappy could see enough to play fetch. I was sooo tired but the pups needed to walk but it was really nice 🙂 and the pups got what they needed.

Just spent this evening chatting to friends while trying to write lol but it’s been nice.

I have group tomorrow and I’ve decided just to let go of what happened last week, clean slate and move on. No point holding onto anything.

I better get myself to bed in a mo.

Peace out

Batman

Rested and Centred boy

Well this Sunday has been pretty perfect and I really enjoyed some quality me time and quality time with my fur babies 🙂 it was much needed. I’m slowly recovering from the summer activities, which don’t get me wrong was amazing and so much fun. But my poor lil body and mind over did it and now I need to spend time repairing that.

So despite sleeping most of yesterday, I slept really well last night and didn’t wake up until 10 am. I’m so pleased all my work has paid off and my sleep is back into a much better routine now, makes life a bit easier when I can at least sleep well.

I had my breakfast and chilled out for a bit, but bitch jobs had to be done… (this is why I need a wife 😉 lol) But I felt better for having a clean flat.

Got myself all nice and clean too, took the rubbish out and went to the shop to get myself something for dinner and OH some Lego a little bit accidentally fell in with the shopping..:D

I took the pups across the road for half an hour for a run, came home and had some lunch, put my new Lego together and did some colouring in, my lil bird is coming together nicely 🙂

I watched a good 80’s classic film Ghostbusters 🙂 and I cooked myself some dinner, I had a nice chicken breast, baby sweetcorn on the cob, roast potatoes and onion gravy, it was so so nice and treated all the fur babies to a bit of chicken each, which they definitely enjoyed as it was gone in seconds lol.

Decided to take the pups for a longer walk as it was a nice evening, kinda didn’t want to waste it 🙂 I ended up bumping into a friend who walked with us, which was really nice to catch up.

We got home and snuggled up on the sofa and non of us have moved since and lil miss Harley has joined us, although she’s been trying to get on my lap but right now she can’t as I’m on the laptop, so she’s finally settled beside me 🙂 ah they are all just so freaking cute!

Ahh I feel, tired because of the walk but my mind feels rested and in a good place. I like the me when I feel in a good place and when I just have time to be me, without thinking about anything or anyone other then myself and my fur babies, yes that sounds selfish but in life it’s ok to be a little bit selfish every now and again. I feel totally centred and just ah I feel good 🙂

I’ll be doing pretty much the same tomorrow too, apart from I have a my trans group social in the evening 🙂

Peace out

Batman

Recharging myself

Ahh I am so so tired, even though I’ve slept most of the day. I think I am coming down with a cold or something.

It’s been a few days since I posted, mainly because I’ve been taking some time out to myself. So I’ll do a quick catch up.

Thursday – Group… It was ok but I just felt shut down. Pissed me right off which triggered the time out to myself bit. So this day was pretty much a write off.

But I had myself a pizza hut for dinner and started a new picture in my Animorphia book and just chilled out and ignored my phone. I totally needed it.

I had a nice shower with my baby bedtime wash, which totally helps adults too 🙂 made me feel more relaxed and sat in bed with my babies, did some more colouring in and had a batman cartoon film on in the background, then went to sleep after the film had finished.

Friday – I slept really well the night before but still didn’t want to wake up lol.

Fracture clinic update – The Dr is happy with the movement of my elbow and in the x-ray the fracture is hardly visible now, but still got another 4 weeks healing. It doesn’t look like my thumb is broken thank god! My pain in it is loads better, but if I still get pain within the next 2 weeks I can go back and they will scan it. But I don’t think it is cuz I’ve been able to start slowly using my hand, it just has no power in it, can’t lift anything yet.

I got the bus back into town and then another bus to Asda, I don’t usually do that but my legs were so sore and I was really tired.

I took the pups out for a quick wee, came back and snuggled up on the sofa with some lunch and had an hours nap.

Did some more colouring in 🙂 and I so in love with the Animorphia book.

I went into town for an hour and posted some tops I bought for my friends bump 🙂 and I went into see my friend in the sweet shop.

Had myself some dinner and took the pups out for a nice long walk. It was so nice out and I got some really lovely pictures 🙂 I so love living here, it’s such a beautiful place.

I love being out with the dogs, I love being by the sea, makes me feel at peace and just happy. I always feel better after a nice walk with them.

When I got home I had to give Mr scrappy a nice wash because he stank of the sea and fox poop lol, I definitely didn’t want him in my bed stinking it up! He hates having a shower, yet he will roll and run through anything lol. I had a nice relaxing shower after him and got into my pjs 🙂

Just spent the evening relaxing in front of the tv, had a lil visitor which was cool 🙂

I didn’t end up going to bed until about 2 am lol.

So that leads to today 🙂

I slept well again last night, think my sleep is back on track again which is good, that’s probably because I am eating better and I’m not going to bed still feeling hungry.

I didn’t wake up till about 10 am, I had some breakfast and watched some TV. By midday I was tired and I slept until 5 pm lol! I think I needed it.

Got a shower, got dressed and had some dinner. Then spent an hour across the road with the pups while the they were running about and again I felt so at peace out there with them.

I’ve just been relaxing this evening. Watched Dante’s Peak, love that film so so much.

Still feeling really tired but I think I’ve got a bit of a sinus infection again, been feeling really snotty and snuffly lately. Hope it just goes away, can’t deal with having a cold right now.

I plan to be a bit more productive tomorrow, the plan is the clean up the flat, take the pups out for a walk, have a nice dinner and do some colouring 🙂 I’m definitely going to bed much earlier then 2 am.

The weather has cooled right down and I can not stop shaving! WOOHOO! I am now in jeans, t-shirts and hoodies 😀 So I can get away with being a guy a bit better. I really need to look into getting a sports bra to flatten my chest down a bit, without the discomfort of a binder. Just need to pick up the courage to shop for one.

Here’s some pictures from my walk yesterday

 YUP 🙂

 Scrappy by the sea where we scattered my dad ❤

 My beautiful foxy girl 🙂

 Scrappy loves swimming

 ❤

 ❤

 ❤

 Looks so peaceful

 Just stunning ❤

 My gorgeous babies ❤

Some pictures from today

 Foxy girl

 Scrappy doodles

 Happy pups 🙂

 ❤

Peace out

Batman

Some pictures of the past 2 weeks

IMAG7371 IMAG7376 IMAG7379  Cool Lego

IMAG7380

IMAG7386 IMAG7388 Me and my gorgeous babies

IMAG7399Chilling in bed with my furkids

IMAG7400 My new shower stool, so helpful, love it.

IMAG7402 Snuggles with Harley

IMAG7417 IMAG7420 More cool Lego 🙂

IMAG7430 Foxy and Scrappy having snuggles

IMAG7435 Happy foxy girl in bed 🙂

IMAG7442New Adventure time t-shirt, totally rocking it!

IMAG7450 L and the boys at the beach in Hamworthy

IMAG7452 IMAG7454 My pups love the beach

IMAG7456 My sand castles (before scrappy knocked them all down lol)

IMAG7460 Albert chowing down on his dinner

IMAG7463 Arnie keeping warm after a bath in foxy’s hoodie, he’s so cute

IMAG7469 My very tired baby girl

IMAG7473 Ablert in my shoes lol

IMAG7482 Messy boys had fun painting

IMAG7491 IMAG7495 Boys enjoying their roast that I cooked us all

IMAG7537 Rocking my new hoodie 🙂 feeling pretty fly

IMAG7543 Someone got tired so hitched a ride in my backpack lol

IMAG7552 IMAG7554 IMAG7555  Some mandala’s I’ve doneIMAG7556 My babies being too cute

IMAG7560 Cool Lego Robot! Also made into a car and space shuttle

IMAG7575 Me with my new walking stick

IMAG7580

IMAG7607 Penguins 🙂

IMAG7613 Loved this dude!

IMAG7616 Harvey looking at the turtles

IMAG7621 So beautiful

IMAG7624 The best picture I could get of them both lol 🙂

IMAG7634 Boo telling me all about the sharks above us 🙂

IMAG7681 Happy Leo enjoying his time with his uncle Dyll

IMAG7692 My new adult colouring book

IMAG7703 Cool new crystals

IMAG7704 IMAG7705 IMAG7707 Doing some colouring in, in bed surrounded by my babies 🙂

IMAG7709 A little bit of a doodle

IMAG7710 IMAG7711  Some more mandala’s I’ve done

IMAG7716 Someone looks like she’s up to mischief lol

IMAG7717 The start of my first full A4 piece

IMAG7731 Harvey at the park on our boys day

IMAG7739 Another little picture I did, as I got stuck on my bigger picture

IMAG7741 Lego space shuttle

IMAG7752 Bedtime for my gorgeous babies

IMAG7762 Mine and L’s tattoos lol 😀 love it so so much

IMAG7772 Harley loves her little house

IMAG7782 Foxy girl says Hi 🙂

IMAG7785 Finished picture 🙂 love this one.

IMAG7792  Finished 🙂 my first full A4 picture, took 5 days to complete, loved this one too.

IMAG7793 Good morning scrappy doodles

IMAG7794 Morning snuggles with Harley

IMAG7797 But DADDDD its not too early to start playing fetch! PLEASE throw my turtle, look how cute I am!

IMAG7798 Harley looking rather evil lol

IMAG7801 Copying daddy stretching out on the sofa

IMAG7805 Pups heading to the park together 🙂

IMAG7809 Haha boo boo trying so hard to break his stick! had sound effects and everything lol

IMAG7814 Boo boo giving Foxy girl gentle kisses

IMAG7817 Harvey playing with the pups

IMAG7823 Foxy girl watching tv 🙂

IMAG7827 Sunday Selfie of this handsome boy lol

IMAG7828 She’s sooo tired she fell asleep with her butt in the air lol

IMAG7832 Arnie and Foxy having snuggles

IMAG7833 Feeding time at the zoo lol

IMAG7837 IMAG7838 Snuggles with my babies

IMAG7842 Marley always sits in front of me and just stares lol

IMAG7846 My gorgeous Harley Quinn looking at herself in my phones camera lol

Well that’s just a peek of my life in pictures over the last few weeks 🙂 it’s been busy but fun. All my passion and love are in these pictures ❤

Peace out

Batman