Where do I belong – communities

Where do I belong? Is something I’ve been thinking about for a while and whilst I belong to a few different communities, I don’t really engage with them as much as I would like too, if I did maybe I wouldn’t feel so lonely. But its complicated, I’ve actively stayed away from these communities because I didn’t want to be defined by these certain things. I’m realising that these things will always be apart of me and its ok to engage with these communities and they could be a source of friendships and support. I’ve kinda cut off my nose to spite my face, but I’ve been surrounded by such toxic people who’ve said over and over that you can’t let these things define you because you are more then that.

Now years down the line, those people who said those things are no longer around, but I still have that fear and anxiety around engaging in certain communities because I don’t want them to be all that defines me and my life. Right now I due to lockdown, I don’t really have anything outside of myself right now because I’m high risk, so I’m not really allowed to do much and I’m struggling to do anything at home on my own, as its so boring.

So what are these communities I belong too, well first one is people with chronic illness. I was first diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder when I was about 15 and I spent a few years fighting against, as I wasn’t given any support. I’ve always tried to fight against it and act like it doesn’t exist, but that never ends well. I think I have a better acceptance of it now but it still kicks my ass, especially when I’m not feeling well. I know from experience there’s a huge online community, full of amazing people but I just don’t engage with it, mainly as I’ve said before I don’t want my illness to define me. I don’t want my life to be boiled down to just a person with a illness.

I also have mental health issues, mainly depression and anxiety but also struggle with disassociation and now this community I’ve ran from because I didn’t want my mental health made worse by others, I didn’t want to become a professional patient, which is such a toxic term and insinuates that someone is attention seeking and not really mentally unwell. I’ve also felt that because I’m not in and out of hospital and I don’t outwardly express how I feel that I’m not unwell enough to be in the community. I mean its a whole mess of not nice feelings surrounding the mental health community, so right now I’m not sure its one I can really engage with because I think it would make me feel worse.

And the last community is the LGBT community, I am the T in LGBT and it is really a huge community with amazing people, but when I came out as trans I didn’t want to solely engage with the T community, I’m not really sure where that came from, maybe because its how I feel about most communities. I don’t want to feel pigeon holed, I didn’t want my transition to be the only exciting thing about me. But again I think I’ve missed out on making friends and doing things.

I see ‘proud to be trans’ a lot and I think for me that’s now lost all sort of meaning, I’m not really proud to be alive let alone be trans. I just feel too old for all these communities, I feel like I’m not sick enough, not unstable enough, not trans enough, just not enough to be apart of these communities. I just feel like I don’t really belong anywhere, I don’t really know myself but that maybe because I’ve walked away these communities, but these parts of me make up who I am.

I’ve disengaged with life in general at the moment, everyday feels the same. I feel like I’m living in a simulation or something, nothing feels quite real and it seems to be never ending and its so god damn lonely!

I know I need to make an effort and engage more but it feels so hard, I just feel like I’m being annoying all the time and that holds me back from doing anything. I’m so stuck inside myself, I want to reach out but it feels impossible, feels like I’m physically being held in place, frozen. Totally engulfed by the darkness, overwhelmed by the anxiety. I feel like I’m drowning, trying my best to float but I’m getting tired.

I know there’s a wonderful world of different communities that I belong to and can engage with but I’ve been so disconnected from humans, I don’t even know how to interact anymore. I wouldn’t know where to start and feels a bit scary putting myself back out there and trying once again to make friends.

I don’t want to just find people who are only temporary, who forget me if I don’t always message first. That’s apart of why I’m anxious about making new friends. Because I don’t want to make an effort just to be forgotten again, cuz that shit is emotionally exhausting and makes me feel so worthless.

I want so much to have a better life for myself, I don’t want to feel this way forever. But I don’t know how to move on, I don’t know if things will ever get better, right now I can’t see that it will.

Peace out

Zak

Random brain stuffs

Thought I’d share some stuff I’ve previously written but not posted. Here’s some random stuff from my weird brain

Written 28th March 1am (I remember crying towards the end which is why I didn’t finish it or post it.

Feeling a bit lost and overwhelmed right now and struggling to know how to keep moving forward.

I need to stop blocking people out and let the right people in.

I’m trying my best to put myself out there but it’s so hard.

I don’t feel like I belong to a community and I so need a community around me to help me grow, to help guide and mentor me. But I feel I’m too difficult to be around and I feel people are to busy with their own lives that I’d just be in the way.

I’ve never truly felt wanted by anyone and that’s so hard to deal with. It’s why I keep people away.

I think I’ve been disguising my depression and low self worth by keeping busy and keeping distracted but this evening I just let myself be and just sit. My brain is going a million miles just streaming all this stuff I want and need to get on with and just continue that purge. I’ve not really been sticking to one task at a time, it’s all been a bit disjointed and all over the place.

I don’t know if I’ll ever feel worthy of anything, I don’t know if I’ll ever have good friends, I don’t know if I’ll ever feel wanted.

I feel directionless and like I need help but I don’t know who I’d ask. I don’t feel worthy enough of someone’s time and help anyone.

I feel like a lot of my life I’ve just been let to just survive and figure stuff out by myself and in that respects nothings changed.

I’m heading towards some life changing events that I just feel so unprepared for and I feel like I’m going to have to figure it out myself and get through it on my own.

I miss my dad so much, there’s so he’s not here to teach me. He’s not here to just be there for me, I always felt unconditional love from him and he’s the only person I’ve ever felt safe to be truly vulnerable and honest about my mental health because he never judged me. I feel like I don’t have that anymore, I feel shut off from being like that because I’ve just had to survive and get through. But also I feel nobody really listens anymore, he may not of understood me completely but he tried his best and he always listened without judgement and without advice, he just sat, he listened and let me talk through it and then we’d have a laugh. I miss that so much and I need that again. But I don’t know where to find that.

I just feel so lost in my identity, there’s so much I wanna change with how I look, how I dress, my place. I want it all to reflect who I know I am inside, I need to shine. I just don’t know how too.

………………………………………………………..

Written 5 April just before midnight (again I was crying writing it)

Still a lost, scared, lonely little kid. Nothing feels like it’s changing.

I’ve always been lonely, there was a time I had lots of friends but only when I made an effort.

………………………………………………………..

Another one written on the 5th April

Pushed away everyone because I didn’t want to fit into a box.

I don’t want to be around the mental health community, I don’t feel I have it bad enough.

I don’t feel I fit into the trans community because I’m not trans enough.

I don’t feel I fit into the disabled community cuz I’m not sick enough.

I don’t fit anywhere, I’m not anyone.

Maybe it is me, I’m not perfect but I’m not a bad person.. but it must be me

………………………………………………………..

Another 5th April, it’s more of an unfinished poem

Sitting in a rickety old boat, out in the middle of the sea.

I’m screaming and screaming but no one can hear me.

I hate the silence, it’s so loud.

Do I keep rowing in the darkness hoping I’ll eventually find the land? Or do I just stop and see

………………………………………………………..

That’s all I’ve written lately, well I’ve had more running around my head but I’ve just not taken the time to write it down.

Peace out

Zak

Feeling so great :)

Mid week already and half way through April ALREADY! What the hell?? It’s going crazy fast. I think the first 20 years of my life went sooooo slow lol. Now it’s just going so fast in the blink of an eye.

Yesterday was a chilled day, relaxed and slept most of the morning. I took foxy to the groomers in the afternoon for her summer haircut. While me and scrappy were waiting we played on the field and went to the pet shop and got some treats 🙂 It was so freaking hot out, apparently we are in for a heatwave for the next few months. We picked up miss foxy and she looked gorgeous, all happy and she looks even tinier now, I booked scrappy in as well, he needs his tail trimmed, the hair on the backs of his legs and she’s going the thin out the rest of his hair on his back because its so thick. My gorgeous boy.

We got in and I was so tired from being out in the sun, I think I played on my tab and watched some tv. Then went and laid on the bed for an hour and a half. I didn’t sleep the entire time, mainly just rested. But it was nice and I had the bedroom door open so Marley moo came in and joined me and the pups for a snooze.

I spent the evening over at my friends C&C they gave me my birthday presents as I’ve not seen them since just before my birthday, so that was really nice and yeah just had a nice evening chilling out, chatting, catching up and stuff. I didn’t leave as late as I usually do because I was starting to feel really achy and snotty.

The pups were happy to see me when I got in, I took them straight out and we got into bed, watched a film and I played on my tab.

Today I have been crazy busy! So busy that I had to write a list to remember everything I had to do and everything was completed.

It started with waking up, eating breakfast and falling back to sleep again for a bit.

After I woke I up did my list of things I needed to do and I did my shopping list that I needed to order.

I cleaned the entire flat and throughout the day I did 4 loads of laundry and it is SO hot that I can hang it all outside so it dries quicker. I made some plain ice cubes for the dogs and some ice treats with chicken stock and their dog treats.

My bro dropped by to pick up some money I was lending him.

Ordered my food shopping which is being delivered tomorrow evening. In the food shopping, I ordered the pups some bits to make them some ice treats. I’m going to make them with banana’s, peanut butter and natural yogurt, blend it all up and freeze, hopefully they will love it. While I was online I did my letter that I need to send to ESA about my change of title, so printed that out, put a copy of my deed poll and sorted out the envelope. I also went back through my journal and wrote down all my good things I’ve done, as I’ve not been keeping up with that at all. So I have done all of January now, so my jar looks a bit less sad lol.

I got myself showered and I sadly had to say goodbye to the leg and armpit hair…. Because it is SO freaking hot, I need to wear my shorts and vest top and because I am not binding yet I can’t go out with hairy armpits and hairy legs because I still look like a female. I’ve had an email about my binders so I can track where they are and they should be here next week. So yeah that totally sucked, it’s been great not shaving anything. But yeah that took ages to do lol, I am SO hairy pre-T I’m going to look like a freaking bear on T lol. Ooh and had a nice minted lamb burger for lunch.

After getting rid of the fuzz, I went out in shorts and a vest top. I went back to the pet shop to exchange to clockwork rat I bought scrappy as the one I picked up didn’t work. So got him a new one, had a lil chat with the ladies in there. Went up to the doctors and picked up my prescription for antibiotics and I got them at the chemist. I took the first two on the bus home so I didn’t forget.

At about 6 pm I took the pups across the road for a run as it was a bit cooler. I took their water over with us as scrappy get thirsty quickly. We spent over an hour over there just chilling, playing about. Met Loki the big Husky, he came out to play with scrappy and foxy for a bit. He’s got a new 100m lead so he could actually run about and play with them. I took some really lovely pictures as well 🙂 I love being outside with the pups so so much, I never used to like it. But I think maybe that’s been down to anxiety and now I don’t really have social anxiety I just want to be out all the time and the pups are a great motivation to be out more too.

Chilled out played on my tab for a bit. Sorted out some more laundry. I nipped into Asda to pick up my pain killers and order more injections. I got myself some bits as well that I didn’t order online, as I order from Tesco’s and they don’t have the pups favourite treats in and just some over bits I needed.

Had another minted lamb burger for dinner, watched some tv and caught up on fb.

I CANNOT wait until Fri when my main man J comes down. YEAH BOY! He gets in town just before midday so when we get back to mine we are going to have lunch and chill, then take the pups across the road and pack some cans of fizz and some sweets and just chill and play about over there with the dogs 🙂 Just cannot wait!

Going to give group tomorrow some feedback about what I took from the Weymouth group. But need to say it in a way that its not a judgement to the our group, I think I am just going to totally own it saw I saw this, I think this etc and see what they think. As I do think the group needs to change a little. I am going to tell the group that as from next Thursday I will be no longer on my bipolar meds and that I would really appreciate if they asked me how it was going, how I am coping and if they see any changes in my mood when they see me at group then I would love some feedback and I think that is totally what group is about. We should be supporting each other, we need to be closer, move on from what’s happened in the past if we can. We need to be more of a community as at the moment it feels disjointed and everyone just comes for themselves. Hopefully I’ll be able to do all this fairly well.

Peace out

Batman