Inner monologue

I wrote this early hours of this morning and thought I’d share the sort of stuff that runs through my brain.

Inner monologue

Body needs to rest but my brain needs that’s physical stimulation which is maybe where/when/why I get so agitated and frustrated as I’m not physically working moving enough and my brain needs that stimulation/sensation in order to be able to focus and function better

But obviously having a chronic illness rest time is hugely important and essential to keep my body well.

My brain is also easily overstimulated which can either leave me feeling drained and overwhelmed or hyper and unable to sleep or settle down.

It’s been such a great journey learning more about myself and how my brain is working and connecting those dots.

Pretty much everything I write isn’t based in science, just my own personal experience, discovery and exploration of myself and how I work and function, which is fascinating.

I’m heading towards 35 and I’m finally figuring myself out, in a way I’ve never really looked at before.

When I have counselling before it’s was always based around dealing with the situations I was currently dealing with like self harm and depression. I never really delved into my past and never really spoke about the why, why I am the I am, what’s making me tick.

This round of counselling, I mean yeah I was struggling big time with anxiety and depression. But I feel like I’ve been way more open with my current counsellor, I’ve delved deeper than just surface stuff and I’ve been given the space and opportunity to look at things completely differently and it’s been super fascinating and now when I’ll just get random thoughts much like how this post started from a light bulb moment I suppose and I’ve just been writing and writing and a lot of my scribbles don’t make it into a blog but I’ve got so many notes all over the place I will type them up and turn them into some kind of order as I think it’s such an important part of the process and journey of rediscovering who I am outside of friendships and relationships and outside of my transition.

I don’t think I’ve ever really known who I am and where I fit. But I’m slowly learning and discovering more about myself and it’s exciting.

I’m starting to like me and who I am, what I represent and what I can contribute to this life.

I’ve always felt like a lost soul, just kinda floating around, not really fitting in or not even really needed.

I’m started to feel more grounded in my body, in my mind and in my soul, the essence of who I am and why I’m here. Feels super weird but also pretty cool.

My sessions end this month and I’m feeling pretty confident that I can continue this journey myself. Just gotta keep writing out all these thoughts in my head and continue to listen to myself and the different aspects that make up me and make sure all needs are met where possible so I can continue to be the best version of me.

I did write another note of stuff I was thinking about last night but I will post that separately as its pretty long.

Also reading this back I have little recollection of writing this, I knew I wrote it but I was so in the moment and everything was just flowing, which I think the real me is able to come into power and be at my most raw and vulnerable.

Peace out

Zak

Grumpy boy

The last couple of weeks have been a bit of a struggle, I’ve been feeling so agitated, grumpy, achy and exhausted. A lot of it has to do with having stopped taking trazadone, which is slowly working its way out of my system.

I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed by everything as well. I’ve taken a bit of a step back from life, by not answering messages straight away, as it feels too much and I just need that time and space and also taken a step back from people, some days the thought of having other people near me, especially a lot of people almost feels like a physical pain, which is really hard to explain Even just going to the shops to get food is difficult and I put it off until I really have to go. I also feel like I need a protective bubble around myself as I’m always nervous about people being near me, touching me etc, especially random people I don’t know.

Being just on my own is so much easier, as I don’t have to explain myself, or feel like I have to perform, or be happy or whatever. I can just be grumpy and irritable, without upsetting anyone by accident.

Its just much less pressure and feels freeing. 1:1 with someone isn’t as daunting, I think my social anxiety has really been kicking in due to coming off my meds. But I’m sure with a little time and patience I’ll be alright again. Just need to give myself some space to breathe.

I get so frustrated with myself for feeling grumpy and irritable and I know its usually because I’m trying to stop myself from feeling low, as if I let myself feel low, its a hard work to make myself feel better again. So I fight against just allowing myself to feel how I feel, which just makes the whole process longer, then if I just let myself feel sad in the first place!

I’ve also come to realise that I’m an introvert, I also used the think I was a bit of an extrovert. But I don’t think I am at all. I’m still really quite shy, which has something that has never really changed since I was small. I need my own space to be and recover from social interactions, I prefer my own company, being around lots of people is exhausting.

I think because I am quite good at coming across who is someone who is fairly confident but I’ve spent my life being my own advocate to get what I need from services, mainly hospitals/doctors etc.

But yeah I’m a pretty shy, anxiety filled human lol.

Hopefully in the next few weeks when the trazadone has come out of my system fully, I’ll start to feel a bit better again.

I got a SAD lamp, which I’ve been using most days. Haven’t noticed a difference just yet, but I’ll keep with it and maybe use it in the morning rather then the evening.

Peace out

Zak

A day in the life of a trans guy – Chest binding pain vs feeling happy/confident out in public

Chest binding pain vs feeling happy/confident out in public

It’s a difficult dilemma, especially in the summer and as here in the UK it’s been a lot hotter for a lot longer then it usually is in June/July or ever actually lol. In the winter I tend not to bother to bind as I can hide my chest with baggy tops and hoodies, so it makes life a bit easier.

It’s also difficult because I have an auto immune disorder which causes joint pain/inflammation etc and I’m more susceptible to broken bones (a few years ago I fractured 5 bones in like 6 months)… so I have to weigh up when is safe to bind and for how long. It means listening to my body and how my body feels. For example if I’m tired and achy then it’s probably not the best idea to bind for 8 hours straight or at all. But I don’t always listen to how I feel, because I’m often disconnected from emotions and my body, I know I need to work on it though. I try and connect with myself by writing, meditation and just sitting quietly. I’ve been trying to do it more often as it does make a difference and helps a bit with the disconnect between mind and body.

The last 3 days I’ve worn my chest binder and 2 days I’ve worn it for the majority of the day and my ribs at the end of the day ache so bad and all I want to do is get home and take it off. But those 3 days I’ve been out in public, so beach one day and the other two days I’ve been around people I don’t really know that well and wearing the binder has made me feel a bit more myself, a bit more confident, less anxious and a bit less self conscious.

Tomorrow I’ll need to give my body a rest a not bind all day. It’s not recommended that you bind all day every day and definitely not recommended to wear it for 8 hours straight, especially when it’s hot.

I’ve been careful to make sure I’m drinking more and eating regularly too. So I’m not dehydrated or hungry.

Chest binding is exhausting, I’ve had mine on for nearly 12 hours… and I can feel it. I’m exhausted, hot and in a lot of pain but it was totally worth it as I’ve felt really good all day… so it’s a real dilemma.

Because of my health issues, I’m used to dealing with joint pain, some days are easier then others. But I know this pain is fairly temporary, cuz as soon as I take the binder off and relax then pain will subside which is good.

I use a high impact sports bra to bind my chest, as I’ve found it the most comfortable (as chest binding can be) an the material isn’t too hot, itchy and scratchy. I’ve tried a range of different chest binders but have found this to be the better one. So it is really important to find a chest binder that feels as comfortable as possible and makes you feel good cuz ultimately that’s the main point. What suits one person may not suit another, so it’s a bit of trial and error. But it’s definitely worth it if you find a binder that you feel comfortable with.

Peace out

Zak

A day in life of a trans guy- Acceptance of self is hard

I thought I’d post something that’s kind of a transition update but it’s also something that effects every aspect of my life.

It’s something I’ve been thinking about for the last few weeks, as here in the UK it’s been hot for more then 3 days! And whilst I’ve had days where I’ve been able to cope well with anxiety, dysphoria and disassociation and I’ve been able to have a good time, there’s been other days where it’s been incredibly hard to deal with and this is where self acceptance comes in.

So here it is…. (written whilst sat on a bus lol)

In my transition I’m finding it’s really hard to accept where I am and what I’ve missed out on living in the gender I knew I was always meant too and the fact I’ll never get those times back

I suppose it’s a kind of loss, a loss for a life you never had or could of had and what life may have been like if only I were born male.

It’s hard to accept my body as it is because I’m so desperate to look how I think I should look. It’s hard to accept the parts of my body that I absolutely hate.

I look at other men, all ages, shapes and sizes and just wish my body looked the same.

It’s ironic though living my life as my authentic self yet still craving to be someone other then myself.

I always thought I was good with dealing with change and good at accepting things as they are especially if I’m powerless to change whatever is it. But this transition has showed me I have a lot more to learn about acceptance, especially self acceptance and a lot more to learn about myself.

I want to get to the point where I feel comfortable and feel confident with how my body looks, yes surgery will ease things but I still need to learn to love, accept and respect myself and my body no matter what stage of the transition I am in, after all the relationship with myself and my body is life long and if I’m feeling happy, comfortable and confident then that will shine through the other aspects of my life and make life a bit easier.

I’m not sure I’ll ever achieve complete acceptance of self but I’d be happy just to feel at peace with myself, instead of this constant war between self and body.

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 37 on T

I’ve had a pretty good week this week, despite money still being tight and the uncertainty of being able to get through financially, I’m feeling fairly calm and quite positive.

The only changes really this week have been my voice is continuing to change which is really cool and still getting hairy everywhere. Tops of my thighs the hair is getting longer and darker and same with my chest and stomach. I’m fairly happy with my transition so far, my next testosterone injection is next Wednesday, so I’m looking forward to that as always.

I had a really good bank holiday weekend, I went to the beach with a friend where I was really brave. I spent the whole time sat in the vest top, binder and my boxers, because it was so hot I had to pretty much strip off, but I felt really confident and comfortable. No one said anything, no one was staring at me. It felt good to just be able to be myself and be comfortable sat out in the sun and enjoying it, rather then feeling anxious and uncomfortable.

So I’m super proud of myself for just accepting my body as it is and being able to just sit in my vest and boxers and being totally comfortable. Its definitely not something I would have done last summer.

I’ve made these steps by just doing them and not thinking to much about it. But I haven’t pushed myself, I’ve done these things like shaving, wearing my binder, wearing a vest top because they felt right and I felt good about it. I’ve not pushed myself at all, which is why I’ve been able to do these things with less stress and anxiety. Its also important to acknowledge these big steps and reward yourself and congratulate yourself. Its important to recognise the positive steps forward, so you have something to look back on when you’re struggling and when the gender dysphoria is bad.

It is possible to feel good about yourself and have gender dysphoria, there is hope!

Week 37 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 3 on T

Today is week 3 of being on T and I’m due my next injection next Tuesday.

I am feeling pretty good right now, I feel a peacefulness inside that I haven’t felt before and it feels good. I feel more confident in myself too, like I feel just more myself then ever before and it feels good.

The only new physical changes I have noticed this week is that my chest feels and looks a bit flatter which is cool as I am unable to bind my chest. My chest looks a bit less noticeable, that makes the gender dysphoria a bit easier to deal with. I’ve got tons of spots coming up and I have a huge volcano of a spot on the back of my neck, its a bit sore and I’m trying hard not to pick them all.

Also been super hungry this week, like I just want to eat all the time. However today I haven’t felt as hungry, it does come and go. I have put on a pound or too, that’s partly my fault for eating all the naughty things I’ve been craving and not sticking to the slimming world plan. I need to get re-motivated and get back on eating properly

Anyway only a short one this week because I don’t feel like I have much to say as not much has been going on this week. Plus I really want to have a shower tonight, as I feel super greasy and achy.

 

Last note, always be your true self, be strong, be brave, you totally got this

Week 3 on T

Peace out

Batman

Gender dysphoria

I’ve been quite irritable and angry recently without real cause to be feeling that way. That is a warning sign for me but I’ve been thinking that this could be put down to gender dysphoria.

Like I am DONE with it being warm and having to wear vest tops and shorts. I cannot wait to be back in jeans so I don’t have to shave my legs and back to wearing hoodies so my man boobs are less obvious. I get like this about this time of year every year, I am now thinking that this isn’t because I like the winter because I like the cold, I much prefer the sun. Its because I can cover up and feel more confident in myself and look more like a guy.

So the recent anger and irritability can be put down to gender dysphoria and not being happy with my body, so wanting to cover it up…

Does this make sense to anyone?

Peace out

Batman

Tired, achy me

I’ve been looking at this blank screen for about an hour, I’ve got lots to say but I’m really tired but can’t be bothered to move and don’t know where to start with this…I’m just typing without really looking or thinking. Flipping N keeps falling off the keyboard! so annoying.

Think my body is trying to have a shark week (period) I’ve been craving crappy foods, something I haven’t craved for in a while. I hope this passes.

Just looked over at the pups and it’s so sweet both are just fast asleep and have been for ages. I think I tired them out today, I took them out at 2pm to go and do some bits and bobs, a pet shop for food and the vets for flea stuff and worming stuff and we didn’t get back till about just gone 5 pm. Then this evening we went for a walk for about an hour and a half, they are totally worn out lol, as am I. My lil heart beats for them, they make me so happy 🙂 ❤ I just hope I don’t lose them but I’m pretty confident I won’t.

Today’s been busy although I spend this morning sleeping. I went out paid bills, sent something in the post. Got pups their food and took them to the vets. Did the food shopping and took pups for a walk. It has been a good day 🙂

Worried for a few of my friends at the moment, I just hope they will all be ok and things will work out. I don’t want to say too much about them but yeah, happy thoughts, good energies go out to them and I’ll do my best to be as a good as a friend as I can be to them.

I am off to bed soon, I’m so tired tonight. It’s all that rushing about I’ve done today but I’m just trying to stay as mobile as possible for as long as possible and walking through the pain.

Peace out

Batman

Happy New Year 2015 <3

Wow its 31st of December 2014. This year has gone so so fast.

Just a quick catch up and a short summary of 2014.

So yesterday my poor baby boy scrappy, had a really bad reaction to his worming tablet. He was so so sick for about 2 hours, I was so upset. It was so horrible my poor thing. But he did stop being sick, I managed to give him little bits of water that he kept down and later in the evening he kept down a little food. He had a good nights sleep and is back to his cheeky self today thankfully.

This morning, I cleaned the flat as it was a complete tip! Felt loads better for doing it. Don’t have to worry about it now.

Just chilled out this afternoon. Went into town and posted something that I’d bought in the sales for my friend. I hope he likes it.

I met my auntie and little cousin Layla, we looked in a few shops, then went to Starbucks for a drink. I gave Layla her Christmas present and she gave me mine. I got socks, a picture of Layla and £10. Layla loved her present, I got her a big chocolate coin and a frozen bracelet. We had a look round some more shops. I bought Scrappy a new lead, its so cute, red with stars. I bought myself a new top with the money my auntie gave me. I also bought some BIG sparklers for tonight. So yeah pretty much my day. It’s been good so far and I’m feeling positive.

So 2014…It’s been a hell of a year. I’ve met some amazing people, I’ve done some pretty awesome things, like camping, I got Mr scrappy home, I went to see Dolly Parton, I’ve had some amazing times with my wonderful friends. This August marked a whole year since I last self harmed. It’s been a LONG hard journey, but I continue to be self harm free 16 months on. I am so proud of myself as I know at one point I thought I would never stop. So yeah self harm recovery is possible.

I think I’ve really grown as a person this year. I feel like I’ve changed for the better. I feel more stable, more settled sense of self, calmer, more able to maintain relationships, more confident in everything, in myself, my actions. I feel like a better person. I hope that others would agree.

Mental health wise I’ve had my highs and my lows, but I’ve always got through it.

My physical health hasn’t been the greatest this year. My methotrexate tablets made me very sick for about a year, but now I am on injections and doing so much better. I have my aches and pains, coughs and colds. But I am so blessed not to have been too ill this past year. I have great doctors that always take good care of me. I’m blessed to be under there care. I am also very grateful to have the NHS.

So yeah 2014 has left a big mark on my life. I’ve had good times, bad times. But overall its been great.

I am blessed to have Miss Marley moo cat, Foxy girl and Scrappy do. I couldn’t imagine my life without them. I can honestly say that they have enriched my life no end. They are the reason I get up every day, they are the reason for still being. They make me get out and meet other dogs and people, when we go for walks. They help keep me motivated. I love them will every fibre of my being.

I am also blessed to have such amazing friends too. They have been so kind, so generous, thoughtful, supportive. Just totally amazing. To think back over this year and all the things my friends have done for me, the things we did etc. Is just overwhelming. I am so lucky to have such lovely people in my life. I am truly blessed.

Another year gone by without my dad. He is always in my heart. I miss you dad and I love you so much more. I wish you were here to share this life with me. But I know you are watching over me. I hope I’ve made you proud this year. R.I.P The most amazing man I’ve ever met ❤ Love you dad ❤

I hope you all keep safe tonight and have a great time 🙂

Happy New Year, I hope you’ve all had a great year and I hope there are many more to come 🙂

2015 onwards and upwards baby!

 This is my jar FULL of every single good thing I did this year. From big things like seeing Dolly Parton, so just hanging out with friends. Tomorrow I am going to look all through them. Remember all the amazing times. Such a great thing to do 🙂

Peace out

Batman

See you in 2015! ❤ ❤ ❤