Disassociation and other stuff

I’m not sure this post will make much sense, or even have a point lol. But I just need to write things out and hopefully help sort through the mass of thoughts that race through my brain every second of every day.

I’m going to try and make sense of everything, by sorting through things bit by bit.

I’ll start with an update about my weird breath holding thing… basically I’m still doing it and its still frustrating. Nothing works so I’m just trying to ignore it as trying to fix it makes it worse.

I do it the most when I’m feeling tense, which at the moment seems like a lot. I find myself sat on the sofa scrunched up, my whole body is tense and I’m just unable to move, unable to get out of my head. I can sit like that for hours, which I know is disassociation but in a different form then what I’ve experienced before.

This disassociation feels more like an internal struggle, I’d much rather feel all floaty and out of my body, as I feel weightless. But this is so intense and physically hurts my whole body and I feel like I have no control.

When I become aware of how I’m so tense and scrunched up, I try my best to relax my body but I feel so achy after, its hard to get away from this internal struggle.

I also keep getting stuck endlessly and mindlessly scrolling through social media, again feeling really tense and again with chunks of time passing by.

It feels like apart of my brain has just switched off and gone to sleep, which is a simple way to describe what disassociation is. It’s your brains way of protecting you, which in itself in super interesting. But I feel that there is still a small part of my brain that’s awake and shouting to wake the rest of my brain up, which is causing this internal struggle. Because even though I’ve disassociated, my brain hasn’t entirely shut off, so I have an awareness but I’m unable to do anything. I feel like I’m trapped inside my body, its really weird.

I can be sat down, all scrunched up know I need to get up and move because I have stuff to do and but I just cannot move, I’m glued in place. The small voice just isn’t loud enough to wake my brain up, but I can still hear it shouting at me. Which makes me feel even more tense and frustrated because I’m not in control, I cannot make myself move until my brain wakes up again.

I don’t really know if this will change, maybe it means I’m slowing healing the parts of me that needed to disassociate, maybe it doesn’t, I’m not sure.

Hopefully in time, this will improve or at least I’ll go back to fully disassociating.

I’m feeling more tense this week for a few reasons, I’ve come off trazadone, as I felt I no longer needed it, I’m sleeping better and despite everything I’ve just described I’m feeling better too. But the withdrawals of trazadone can make you feel more agitated and I think that’s really hit me this week. Also two weeks ago I had a pretty big hit of testosterone, due to switching over from Sustanon to Nebido and the loading process means having both shots at once! So I think again such a big dose of hormones has really hit this week. I’m sure in time these will both wear off and I’ll start feeling a bit more relaxed.

I’m still struggling to feel connected to myself, which goes back to the disassociation, but also apart of the gender dysphoria as well.

I think when I took a step back from people in my life and took stock of everything, I took a step back from myself and forgot to step back in again.

I feel a bit out of place, a bit out of sorts and just a bit weird. I’m slowly working towards getting back to myself. But I think I’ve always had this disconnect with myself, the gap feels bigger then before.

Talking about this subject in counselling is helping me understand it a bit more, which has been helpful. This week I learnt that my high tolerance to medications could be linked to the disassociation which is really interesting. Even CBD oil, does nothing for me, natural remedies don’t work for me and I’m really resistant to most medications. When I started taking tramadol, I don’t ever remember it making me feel high, like how it makes most people feel. This is definitely something I want to look more into, as its fascinating and I want to be able to react to meds like everyone else does. I also know a high tolerance to medications is also linked to hypermobility as well, which I have. I just want to try and understand my brain better and why it does what it does and if I can help myself in anyway.

I always knew my brain was wired differently to most, but never knew why. I’m still really non the wiser about why I disassociate, as its usually a result of trauma. I’ve not experienced your usual traumatic events like sexual abuse, violence etc. But then my life hasn’t been simple easy, I became ill when I was 6/7 years old, family life wasn’t always easy, my parents divorce was pretty messy but these are the only things I really remember.

My memories aren’t in order and there are huge chunks missing, which again a sign of traumatic event. Maybe it was just a culmination of events throughout my early childhood/teenage years rather then 1 significant event. Sometimes not being able to remember things is frustrating but I know its my brains way of protecting me from bad things.

This week my memory has been awful, its much worse when I’m feeling stressed/tense. It effects my short term memory, I can forget when happened a few hours ago, which is super annoying. If I’m feeling more calm and relaxed my short term memory is better, I have much better recall.

I struggle with routine, I have non negotiable things I do every day, like take my meds, housework, eating, taking the dogs out. Things I need to do to get by. But beyond that I have no interest in the 9-5pm life. Partly because my body doesn’t work that way, my brain certainly doesn’t either. I cannot stand early mornings, I need quiet time to wake up and adjust to the day. My brain certainly takes its time to wake up, its much more active in the evening, early hours of the morning. I like my freedom to do what I need/want to do in order to feel good and take care of my mental and physical health.

I know I have a lot to give this world yet, but I’m not sure what that looks like. Maybe as the year goes on, that will become clearer to me.

I need to keep writing, I keep saying this but I always hold myself back.. Don’t know why I do it.

I can feel myself switching off, running out of focus. So I shall sign off for now.

Hopefully this sheds some light on well me and how I function, which could be useful for those in my life and help them understand me more and maybe it rings a bell with whoever else is reading this.

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 32 on T

Today would have been T shot day but the docs didn’t have any appointments, so I’m having it done bright and early Thursday morning lol, 8:30am! Urgh, that’s still the middle of the night!! This is why I wanted to do it myself, so I didn’t have to mess around with apps and I can do it on the exact day its due. Even though I know it can be done 5 days before or 7 days after its due, it still gives me anxiety that its not being done on the exact day its due! But I’m weird like that, silly things give me big anxiety. I suppose its about control, its something I need to let go of a bit more and not let little things stress me out so much. A lot of it is because I often don’t feel like I have any power or control, so little things cause big anxiety. Man I sound like a lil weirdo but whatever.

My weeks been busy but its been really good. I’ve finally got rid of my chest infection, it only took just over 3 weeks and I’ve finished my steroids too, which is a relief! Although its been messing up my mood a bit, been feeling a bit emotional today but I think that was a mixture of things. I feel fine now, I had a nice shower and did some EFT (emotional freedom technique) on myself and it made me feel a lot better, much calmer and less emotional then I was, which is always a good thing. I know there’s a calmness inside, I just don’t always feel it. So I’m going to try and tap out all the intense negative emotions as and when they come, hopefully it will help me regain some control and things wont get so intense and overwhelming.

For some reason this week I am super spotty on my chest, neck and back, although I’m pretty spotty in those areas already but these last couple of days, loads of extra bloody spots have popped up lol! Its sooo hard not to squeeze all the ones I can reach, gross I know lol. Some of them are quite sore but I can’t reach them to put any cream or anything on them. Not sure what its all about lol, I’m hoping they calm down as like I said some are really sore, I’ve got a few on my scalp as well, they are a bit itchy and sore too.

My voice is slowly getting there, I’ve noticed today its a bit deeper which is cool, I said something earlier and I was like woah! who said that!! made me chuckle to myself. My T levels are nearly right I think, I speak to my GP Thursday about my levels as my results from the last bloods said they were borderline, not sure what that means, so I’m assuming it means that they aren’t quite high enough. So they may need to tweak the frequency of the T shot again.

My gender dysphoria and disassociation has been mostly ok this week, I’ve been feeling quite relaxed and calm where my body is concerned. But I’ve spent this week looking after myself and my needs, rather then everything else that isn’t really important. Which just proves how much self care is essential to my well-being, its something I struggle to do regularly. It is so noticeable when I stop basic self care, everything just goes off the wall and unmanageable. I’ve been taking a lot of really hot showers and it really helps with the disassociation and I can take 15-20 mins to just be totally in the moment, breathe and relax. It really works for me at the moment, it may not always work and may not work for others but at the moment its working, which is the main thing.

Well its gone midnight now and I better get to bed and I have my friends kids over again tonight and I’ll probably be up around 8:30 am, my mind is pretty awake so I need to wind down a bit before I can go to sleep

 

 

Week 32 on T.JPG

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

I hate this broken body of mine

Where to start? I don’t even know right now, I’m tired as usual and not feeling too well again. I’m so fed up of this, I just want to feel better for a little bit.

Woke up today feeling even worse then I did yesterday, everything hurt from head to toe and still does now. My chest felt/feels tight but inhalers haven’t helped.

I took nearly an hour just to get showered and dressed because I kept having to sit and rest in between doing anything.

Despite feeling ill and exhausted, I managed to get myself out and on a bus to group (Mindout LGBT mental health group)Β http://www.dorsetmind.org.uk/

I’m glad I went, it was a good group and I found it helpful to vent all the stresses that are in my life right now, which is quite a few. I also sorted out taking subs and helped someone with some forms we were filling out. Which made me feel capable, useful and helpful and like I have a purpose, well at least for a bit.

Group took it out of me though, by the time I got home my head was pounding, my ears were hurting and just every inch of me hurt. I took some sumatriptan to help with my head, I couldn’t take anything else for my joint pain.

I took the pups across the road for 10 mins and took a ball over to play with scrappy πŸ™‚ He loves playing fetch so much and it makes me happy watching him play and my little princess foxy just tags along trying to catch up with her brother. I love these two so so much and I am hoping to feel well enough to take them for a proper walk tomorrow, as I’ve not been able to take them out for a proper walk for about a week now, so they need one.

So glad I had dinner already made, so just had to microwave it. A day like today is why I have dinners ready made, because I just don’t have the energy to cook, even with my stool in the kitchen.

Haven’t done much this evening, just been relaxing and resting. I did paint two more boxes, one purple and one with a green base that’s going to have blue sides, so it looks like outdoors. I have a new mini figure of a janitor guy with a mop, so I am going to place him on my kitchen floor, with a spot of green paint to look like sick, gross I know lol! But it’s funny πŸ™‚ need to do it tomorrow as the lighting in here is rubbish at night.

How do I feel right now? Tired, poorly and stressing about several things. Most things are out of my control right now so I’m trying to put them to the back of my mind and sort out the things that are in my control.

One of my stressors is the gender dysphoria, my main issue being not being able to bind my chest. Next week when I get paid I’m going to look one some sites and order myself a high intensity sports bra, in hope that will flatten my chest enough for me to feel passable.

In the summer I overheat really quickly, so I need to wear vest tops and shorts. So my chest needs to look less female in order for me to be myself and for me to feel comfortable in myself as well.

I wish I could unzip this body suit I have on because it’s the wrong body suit! with the wrong parts. I hate this so much! It’s frustrating because I can’t change anything right now.

Do you ever feel like a child? I do all the time, I feel like I am stuck at the age of 15 and I can’t seem to move on. It was the age I was diagnosed with Granulomatosis with Polyangiitis, the age my life stopped. Well that’s how it makes me feel anyway, I was really ill before my diagnosis but without a name it was easier to ignore.

I feel stuck, like emotionally stuck at this age and although I have progressed and I have moved on in many aspects of my life. But when it comes to being ill or whatever I go into child mode and it causes a lot of pain and anger. The anger almost becomes uncontrollable, I can feel it inside but there’s nothing I can do about it.

From head to toe, inside and out I despise my body. It has the wrong parts and nothing fucking works properly. I hurt every day, I’m tired every day, I’m ill all the time. Even my mind doesn’t work properly, I can’t and don’t trust any part of me to do its job properly.

I’ve never had any help with dealing with coming to terms in living with a long term illness with no cure. There’s still nothing out there, no help nothing.

Anyway..whatever I’m exhausted, well even more so. I better get this broken body to bed.

Peace out

Batman

Grumpy c**t *sorry*

It’s my trans group again tonight, which is why I am updating early. I may write again later, will see how I feel.

So yeah yesterday….my mood was incredibly low and I wasn’t particularly articulate, because of the low mood. And yeah my attitude to people who were being nice was horrible, but I don’t need people trying to fix it or be nice or whatever, I just need to be left to it.

I was in bed and asleep be 9:30 pm because I couldn’t cry any more and I just couldn’t deal any more.

Been up since 8:30 am, but haven’t napped. I had a good 11 hours sleep last night, but I think I definitely needed it.

Haven’t done anything today, apart from sit on my ass, get a shower, get dressed and take the rubbish out. I’ll take the pups out soon. Spent a while clearing stuff off my phone, as the memory was totally full.

I have an appointment in the morning to see the hand specialist and get my metal splint fitted. I’m going to ask questions about all my other issues I have with that hand and wrist and maybe they can help. Because I have a trapped nerve and I am prone to tendonitis as well.

I have also spoken to my GPA specialist, well his secretary and we had a lil chat. I told her about everything I’ve been going through recently. And she said she’ll pass the message on and see what he thinks. She shortly rang me back to say that I have an appointment at the end of March, but she said if she can get one that’s a bit sooner.

Oh man typing with a fractured finger is so painful! But I NEED to get everything out.

So the mood thing…birthday thing. GAH! My mood is a little better today, feeling less depressed but still a bit grumpy. I’m going down on my quetiapine today, from 150mgs to 100mgs. So this maybe have a small effect on my mood but its not the cause.

The birthday thing…I am pushing people away on purpose and I am big enough to admit that. It’s not something I am proud of but its my way of protecting myself. In the past my birthday’s haven’t been great. My last adult birthday when my dad threw me a party only a few people bothered coming, this devastated me. Since then I’ve not really been a fan on birthdays and since then its been down to me to sort it out. With everything I go through just for once I really want someone to take control and I don’t know make a fuss. I see other people going out and having a great time for their birthdays, yes past birthdays have been good, but I feel that if I hadn’t sorted something out, no one else would have. I just feel incredibly let down by everyone around me and YES I more then understand that people are busy have their own shit going on, but it doesn’t take 2 seconds to text and check I’m ok, seriously one single text would make all the difference to my mood. I know people care, but because I don’t feel like people haven’t shown it to me, through lack of contact or whatever. I feel alone, totally alone and isolated. I feel like not one single soul in the entire world gives a shit. When I am ok physically and mentally I bend over backwards to help all my friends, make sure they are ok, even if its just a text. There are certain people I think of every day and text on a regular basis just to check in and hoping they are ok. My expectations of my friends maybe are too high…..maybe I just need to try and be happy with what I have..

I am tired, emotionally, physically, spiritually. Every ounce of my being is fed up, I feel broken. I want a break, from fighting my mind and body, I want a break from just dealing with day to day adult life. Just even for a day. I need a break. But I can’t get one.

So whoever of my friends is reading this I do apologise for being a grumpy cunt. But I also hope you’ve taken in what I’ve actually said. It comes straight from the soul as does all my blogs..

Another birthday celebrated without my best friend…my daddy. Man I miss him so freaking much. I miss being able to call him up and bitch and moan about everything. I know he’d make the effort to come see me even though he lived far away. I knew my dad truly loved me. I miss him making me laugh to cheer me up. He’d do anything for me and he knew I was there just the same for him. I hope he is proud of me πŸ˜₯ I miss him every second of every day. Sometimes I wish I was with him. But I know I have to live life for the both of us. He may have been my dad but he was my soul mate, we were so alike. He just understood and got me. No one else in the family I have that same bond with. I miss him so much.

Writing through tears again. But I gotta sort out pups, my pill box and dinner before I go out tonight. As I said I’m sorry for being a pain, but my soul is in pain.

Peace out

Batman

Dark passenger surfaces!

I have spent a considerable amount of time just staring blankly into the screen in hope I will be inspired..In hope my brain will make some sort of sense of today. Also been busy listening to Sia, totally obsessed with Chandelier and Breathe me. Finding it hard to concentrate tonight, keep flitting about the flat but not actually doing anything in particular..It’s just one of those days…

Yesterday my dark passenger decided it had been a while, so it came to say not to forget it was still about. Grrr, just as I think I am over the worst of my addiction. It pops its head up just to make sure I never fucking forget! BASTARD can just do one now. It was not too intense and pretty short lived. But I did however find myself trying to justify reasons to cut…and I ended up arguing with myself about it. On one had one side was saying, well one small cut just along your thumb won’t notice, it won’t matter…That argument got me really thinking…well would it matter if it was just one small cut?? No one had to know…Ok its triggering just writing this, but I need too. So yeah one small cut along my thumb, could pass it off as a cooking accident or whatever..I knew deep down it would still be real and yes it would bloody matter! and I’d be back to square one. I couldn’t do it then carry on saying I was so many months free because I would have totally cheated myself. I tried very hard to ignore the part of me that was trying to rationalise it and making it ok. But deep in my soul I knew I didn’t want to cheat myself, I do not want to go back to square one. I do not want to fail myself. I’ve come WAY too far. Dark passenger I know you are there. I will never become to that thinking again. I know you will forever be my addiction. I know I will never truly be free from you. I fucking hate that you will never be gone. But you know what you will never fucking beat me and you will never have control of my life like you did 8 years ago! You were nasty and you were strong. But the tables have turned my old friend. I am strong now! Never forget your place. I am the master of you. I am on control. Yes you will always be with me. But you will never be me. Not again. Know your place dark passenger! Maybe in the future we can part ways forever. But for now it is what it is……

So yeah that was last night and then I decided to go to bed. I think I was in bed just gone 11 pm…Now the only trouble of going to bed that early is that I have been falling asleep pretty quickly and sleeping on average about 8 hours, which apparently is what happens for normal people….wow. Yeah…I woke up at 7:30 am! I didn’t need to be up, nor really did I want to be up that early. Because it means more hours of the day that I have to deal with. GAH! However I’d woken up with a really bad headache, not sure if it would turn into a migraine or not. So I dosed up on my sumatriptan and did the very sensible thing of eating two bowls….small bowls may I add though. Of Chocolate lucky charms, I just cannot get enough of them! They are just so yummy. I then snuggled up on the sofa with the pups and Marley moo cat came and sat on my back lol and we had a lil nap till just before 10 am.

I would like to say I bounced up feeling better and ready to face the day ahead…yeah truth being, my head was still hurting a bit. So I took more pain killers, I had another bowl of chocolate lucky charms…well helps me get through lol πŸ˜€ It does honestly. Sat about a bit more…looked at the time and thought I’d better throw myself into the shower and get myself looking half decent, it takes a while. I was taking my time in the shower….I think last night was still playing on my mind. Have to be on alert again. That takes a lot of energy I don’t have….But still must press on and try and get through each day.

I had scrappy following me about most of the morning with his favourite ball in his mouth lol. Sorry boy no time for games today :/ But I took them across the road for a wee and a run. Scrappy kept picking up stones and throwing them about. Foxy wasn’t happy about being dragged out, so I had to keep encouraging her to keep going and chase scrappy etc. We got in and I had a little time to kill, so I sorted my bag out and played fetch with scrappy for a bit.

Headphones in, music on, bag on back, cap on, hood up, keys, wallet! Boom ready. Off I go to group. I love sitting on the bus just getting lost in my music.

Group was good. Hard going in some parts but I stuck with it. Some weeks do feel frustrated as I don’t feel I get as much out of it as I want too, sometimes I want to walk out because I get bored when I have to listen for a long time. But people listen to be blab on lol so that would be rude to leave. Just have to learn to sit with things. I try and be present too and not zone out but that’s also hard. Sitting still and being quiet is hard…I just feel itchy like I need to move. I’m getting better because I had to be still at lot at group for DBT. But its still an uncomfortable feeling for me. When I write my blog it takes me a long time and its not always written in one go. Most of the time I am up and down, fiddling about with various things…yeah being still isn’t one of my strengths, either is being quiet for long periods. I can almost feel is all bubbling up inside like I’m going to explode lol! Some weeks I can deal with it better then others. I think this week has been such a mixed bag and I’ve not really expressed myself well in my blogs lately. It’s just been day to day what I’m doing. I need to get more involved in writing the emotional side of my life. But sometimes that’s hard when I’ve had a bad pain day because I am just exhausted in so many ways..anyway I digress. Right yes group was good. Got a lot out of it. πŸ™‚

Home and scrappy hasn’t destroyed anything! Yay nor has he peed or pooped anywhere. Woohoo! Slowly getting there.

I got them ready and took them straight out for a run. Scrappy needed to burn off energy and they both needed to pee and poop. It was bloody freezing! But I tried to say out for about 15 mins. But coming home to a warm flat makes it better.

Got my dinner sorted as time was getting on and I was hungry. Dinner was good, ate it all and pups and the cat had Β some chicken too πŸ™‚

So this evening how has it been spent…well it started off with being wrapped up as it was cold tonight. I currently sit here in my pj top, socks and boxers lol! I got hot…what can I say, I am starting to get cold now.

Wow its 1:20 am! How the hell did that happen…I started writing nearly 2 hours ago. Well they say that good work takes time πŸ˜‰

Ooooh I nearly bloody forgot something important that has had my lil cogs ticking and I’ve spent time looking things up. So I was talking to M who runs group, I think I was talking about finding reading things overwhelming like official things, paper work etc. And the topic of dyslexia came up…may I just say that’s a stupid fucking word for people who can’t spell etc. She noticed that when I fill in forms I can’t write in a straight line. I’ve NEVER been able too. I always put that down to being left handed. I got LOTS of negative things from teachers at school about my hand writing and its because I’m left handed etc. But M said she does the same, can’t write in a straight line because she’s dyslexic too. So all evening I’ve been thinking about how I read and write, I’ve looked up about it as well and I did a free test online YES I KNOW ITS NOT OFFICIAL! But a lot of the symptoms and what people who are dyslexic do and yeah its makes sense as to why writing my blog takes so long, why my concentration is so poor. I re-word a sentence a few times until I am sure it will make sense to others and not just myself lol and some words even small words takes me a few goes to get the letters in the right order..it all kind of makes sense now. So I am not just getting stupid. I think I’ve got away with it because I’m not stupid…I was able to keep up. Plus I missed lots of school because of my health, so I probably slipped through the cracks. But yeah it makes a lot of sense. Another one to add to my ever growing list of issues! I’m not going to pursue getting an official diagnosis…well I don’t think there would be a real point in it. I don’t really want an official label. It’s just good to make sense of me.

Wow long blog today! I need to get this body to bed soon. Everything is starting to hurt, I need to rest my mind and body πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman

Busy Monday, thought I was going to chill..Do’h!

Thought I would update now as I am going to the trans group tonight, so I don’t know what time I’ll be in and how tired I’ll be.

I woke up this morning about 8:30 am. I snuggled up on the sofa with a blanket and my hot water bottle. I sat for about 15 mins just relaxing and thinking about having a little nap. Then I had the sudden realisation that I had an appointment today, so I checked my calender and yup! I had a appointment for my p-doc at 11:20 am..DAMN IT! Thought I was going to spend most of the day chilling out lol.

I had some breakfast, got a shower and got dressed, then took the pups across the road for a wee. Came back and watched a bit of TV before I had to leave. I rang the doctors to leave a message with Dr Richardson to say about how the antibiotics he gave me hurt my stomach and that I’ve now got the doxycycline to take instead. She said he may ring me, but he hasn’t yet.

Got the bus up to my appointment. It’s not as cold out today as it has been thankfully. My p-doc was running 10 mins late, I hate sitting in there, no matter how you feel it always makes me feel like I am loosing the will to live lol, such a depressing place. Some poor guy had come a week early for his appointment poor love.

My appointment with my p-doc actually went well, because I already had an idea of what I wanted to talk about and where I wanted to go regards to my medication and the gender identity stuff. We had a good chat about medication, I said since doing DBT I feel more in control of things. I’ve not self harmed in 17 months, the longest I’ve ever gone. I no longer display BPD traits and this isn’t just coming from me. I feel that maybe if I come off medication completely then the skills I learnt in DBT can help me deal with my bipolar and ADHD. He has agreed to this which is really. I said because of all my other medication I am on it would be great if I could stop one. So he wants me to come slowly off the last 200mgs which is a bit frustrating, but I understand why. So this month I will be taking 150mgs, next month down too 100 mgs, month after 50mgs, then completely off quetiapine altogether. YAY. Told him about the weight loss and that I didn’t change my diet etc, so he was really happy about that. Told him about the trans group I go to and Mindout (mental health group for LGBTQ peeps) I told him about looking at doing some courses at the recovery education centre and that I might do some befriending in the future. He’s really happy that I am keeping busy and doing things to keep up my recovery. Talked about the fact I have come to the conclusion that for me physically getting pregnant and having a child is just out of the question as I don’t think I’d ever be physically well enough to do it. I’d have to be off my meds for a year before even getting pregnant and I’m ill a lot ON medication, I’d be so poorly off it. So that was my main reason for not saying that I am transgender, I am sure that I want to be a boy etc. But I think now that has totally changed and I don’t know what the process is now. He said that I’d have to live as a male for a year before being referred to anywhere, which I knew that bit already. I said is there anyone locally that does trans counselling. The guy that runs the trans group does 1:1 work, but I can’t afford it, so my p-doc said he will look into it and see what is about, so that’s really cool. So yeah really pleased with my appointment. I got everything out that I wanted too and I think because I am taking charge of my recovery and I had a plan of what I want to happen, he was willing to engage me. So he’s going to see me in two months time, sooner if I need him. While I am completely off meds he will see me once a month…hopefully because that’s what I asked for, its a reasonable request and a sensible one. So he can check to see if I am doing well without medication.

Pretty much skipped to the bus stop as I was feeling good about it all. I got off at the hospital because I needed to get my bloods done. Waited in there for half hour….urgh more waiting about lol. But chatted to a few nice people in there. Blood test went on, although she was fishing about for a bit, which it hurt a bit but felt more uncomfortable then anything.

Walked back into town and went to the bank, as I had a text this morning, saying I needed to put Β£2.52 or I’ll be charged Β£8 bank charges because I had 2 direct debits that bounced. But the woman said I’ll still be charged, didn’t really understand why but whatever lol. I cancelled one of my direct debits for my phone insurance, but I have insurance with the bank, I just need to update the details so they have the right IME number for my current phone, but I couldn’t do that today as my phone died while I was in there lol. But I’ll sort that out another time. Was waiting about in there for ages as well lol. SO bored of waiting, but that’s all I’ve done today.

Then I went into Asda to get my prescription of my new doses. Waited about in there for 15 mins lol…They had everything but the 50mgs, but that’s ok as I don’t need that right away. Also ordered a load of my other medications.

Finally got home to my beautiful babies, who were so excited to see me πŸ™‚ hehe love it. I sorted out my pill box for the week, so that’s one less thing to worry about later this evening. I had a nice nutella sandwich for lunch πŸ˜€ nice and healthy haha. Took my pain killers and my doxycycline, had my sandwich and chilled out watching Judge Rinder and I’ve now got Jeremy Kyle on πŸ™‚ ah, chilled afternoon. I do feel tired enough for a nap, but I don’t have the time.

It’s 4 pm now, so after writing I am going to take the pups across the road for a run, then I can chill for a bit more. Have myself some dinner before group and I will be leaving about 6 pm to get the bus to group. My first trans group of the year, yay! Looking forward to it πŸ™‚

So yeah feeling pretty damn good, feeling confident with myself and that I am taking control of my life and what I want and don’t want to put into my body.

Peace out

Batman