Shining light

It’s been a few weeks since I last wrote anything and I’m feeling less angry and frustrated then I was in my last blog.

I took the decision to up my trazadone again to help me sleep better and hopefully help me feel less depressed and so far I’m sleeping a better most nights and I’m starting to feel a little better too. I don’t feel so hopeless and so lost in the darkness, I still don’t feel great but I can see the shimmer of light at the end of the darkness, I’ve just got to keep reaching out for it.

I’ve been trying to make little changes to my daily life, that will help continue to make me feel a bit better and to prepare myself for the winter months. Each year I struggle with my mood during the winter and every year it really hits me, so I’ve been trying to prepare myself so its not going to be so much of a shock when it rolls around.

I have written up a rough plan of things to do day to day, some of these things are non negotiable, like take my meds in the morning and evening, getting to bed at a reasonable time things like that. But also to get outside for at least 30 mins each day, especially when the clocks change. As some days I like to just chill and I don’t get dressed until 4pm, which during the summer months is fine as I have loads of time still to enjoy the sunshine. But in the winter it gets dark by 4pm, so I’m going to make sure that no mater how I’m feeling I make sure I spend time outside, soak in that vitamin D from the sun. I love being outside in nature so it shouldn’t be too much of a drag. Even something as small as that I know will make a huge difference to how I feel from day to day.

I love my lists and I’ve been spending nearly every day just writing and writing. One list is of self care stuff, things like washing my face masks regularly as that’s a new thing I need to do better, or using my SAD light every day, listening to what my body wants and needs. Just simple things.

This winter is going to be a tough one as we’re heading into another lockdown and firs time around I found it so hard and winter on top of that is going to bring added stress. But I feel much more prepared this time, that’s why I’ve been writing lists down, mainly as a reminder of things I can be doing to make myself feel better and help me get through this next part a bit easier and I know what to expect now so its not going to be so much of a shock to the system.

I think I mainly operate from my inner child, he’s in charge most of the time. Which is fine but at the moment he’s feeling scared, anxious and unsafe and that’s the main reason I’ve been trying to prepare myself for the winter months to ease the anxieties of my inner child and to make him feel safe. Which he is a bit more settled then he was but he’s still highly anxious and just wants everything in place to feel as safe as possible. Which I am currently working on and I’m not far off having everything ready but I’m not quite finished.

Trying to calm my inner child down has been difficult, but I’ve been trying to listen and trying to identify his needs and what he wants, but it’s tricky as he has complex needs from traumatic events in our life. Slowly I will heal us both, through counselling and lots of patience and self care. I’ve been trying to heal myself for the last 20 years but I’ve never even really scratched the surface until now, I think I’m finally ready to heal. I can’t keep bleeding, I can’t keep letting this little boy hurt, he deserves to feel better now. I want my life to be better now, I want things to be different, I want to break the patterns that I’ve been repeating for the last 35 years. I’m ready to be happy.

One of my self care/regular activities is to try and blog on a bit more of a regular basis. I love writing/blogging and my anxiety/procrastination stops me just getting on with it. I think sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed I can’t physically do anything so I don’t and then I feel annoyed because I haven’t done anything. So I am going to try and make more of a conscious effort to push through the anxiety and sit down and write. I always feel so much better for it, I just need to get over myself and do it! With any luck I’ll be here writing again soon and not with weeks or even months in between posts.

Now I’m sleeping much better at night, I’m getting between 7-9 hours a night, which is much better then the 4-6 hours I was getting, my appetite is a bit better as well. I’m not binge eating sugar because I’m tired. Hopefully I’ll loose a bit of weight now, as I’m not eating half as much as I was, I’m actually eating a proper breakfast every morning as well and I’m trying to eat dinner too, whether that be something I cook or a takeaway at least I’m eating meals rather then just shovelling chocolate into my face all day long.

Getting a good nights sleep for me is so important, it improves my mood, my appetite, I can manage my chronic fatigue better. It’s so easy to slip into bad habits when depressed but at the moment I’m really aware of what makes things worse for me and having all these lists of things will definitely help. Getting into a routine of going to bed at a reasonable time and having a slightly more structured day is slow going, it won’t ever be perfect but I’ve got a good start on it.

Well that’s all for now

Peace out

Zak

LIFE IN LOCKDOWN..CONT

This feels like a never ending saga… Although things are starting to slowly get back to normal-ish. More places are starting to open and you’re allowed to travel a bit more and the level has been lowered to 3.. which I’m unsure of the exact do’s and don’ts but for me I am meant to be isolating now till the end of this month, although that could change. It’s just a case of waiting to see what happens next, I do think a second wave is inevitable as that’s just how a virus works.

For me I don’t feel quite comfortable going to any shops in town just yet, although I will have to go to primark at some point at I have one pair of shorts and the ones I’ve seen in Asda either don’t feel right or just aren’t my style. I’m also feeling quite anxious about using public transport, luckily at the moment I don’t have to go anywhere, despite bursting to take the dogs out for the day somewhere, I think for me right now the risks still outweighs the wants. Plus I need a mask which I don’t have and don’t feel comfortable wearing due to not being able to breathe properly. I think I’d feel to claustrophobic wearing a mask, especially on the bus. So for now, I’m staying local..which is boring AF but I got to keep safe.

I wish I could say I was coping better with this lockdown life, but sadly I can’t. I’m still really struggling, my depression is pretty bad, anxiety is bad and the disassociation is really crippling.

I decided that today I was going to try my best to actually participate and engage in life, rather then the disassociation take over and its been extremely exhausting trying to stay present and in the moment. But I’ve been able to get things done that have just been impossible to do in the last few weeks.

Most days I am so disconnected, disassociated and switched off that all I can do is sleep, eat snacks as cooking has just been too difficult and walk the dogs. I haven’t even been able to really watch anything either, I’ve just been watching things I don’t have to concentrate on, things I’ve seen a million times as its kind of comforting and eases my anxiety. There’s a few new seasons of shows I love on netflix that I’m bursting to watch, but for some reason I can’t start them. I feel too anxious, I know it makes no sense. I’m not really enjoying doing anything either, I just feel so numb, I can’t remember the last time I actually felt something other then feeling so numb and just nothing. I feel like most days I’m just going through the motions, just to get through another day of monotony.

I struggle to even start a task, it takes forever to do the basics, as I’m so trapped my anxiety and fighting to stay in the moment that I spend a lot of time sitting down trying to motivate myself enough to unfreeze and move. Its such a battle every day just to do the simplest of things and its so exhausting. I’m meant to be taking my blood pressure every day, but I’ve been unable to do that, as I just don’t remember and for some reason it feels like an overwhelming task, even though its so simple.

I’m just trapped inside my head all by myself all the time and my head is such a dark place to be but I’m stuck there. I need outside stimulation and interaction, I need outside help. But it’s just not there right now.

I’m so withdrawn from life, that I just don’t reach out anymore, I just can’t bring myself to it. I’ve kinda resided to the fact that this is life now, just on my own, loneliness forever. I’m not ok with that but I’m too tired to keep trying to insert myself into people’s lives.

Even when I’m out with the dogs and people talk to me, I keep stumbling over my words, I feel super awkward and incredibly anxious. I love being out with the dogs but I hate being seen, I just want to walk and chill on my own, which just isn’t me at all. I usually love talking to random strangers but now it just makes me feel so vulnerable and awkward I really don’t enjoy it and I wish I didn’t feel this way as I am quite a social person usually. But my anxiety is so strong and the constant negative thoughts is making everything impossible.

I’m kind of dreading everything getting back to normal, I can see myself keeping myself very withdrawn and isolated, it feels a bit scary getting back to normal. I don’t know how I’m going to get myself back out there into society, just thinking about it freaks me out. I’m not agoraphobic but the thought have having to go a bit further a field, like say to a hospital app is terrifying. Not just getting public transport but also interacting with others and also being able to organise myself enough to get myself somewhere on time. This lockdown has had a huge negative impact on my mental health and its not something that I’ll be able to easily fix.

I’ve had very little sleep today, under 4 hours I think. I got up early and did the house work and made some breakfast and I was out just before 10 am, I took the dogs for a walk and sat down where we scattered dad’s ashes which was nice and peaceful. Spoke to him and wished him a Happy Fathers Day, something I do every year. After our walk I had some lunch and watched and film, then jumped onto the laptop while my brain was still engaged in real life and I’ve been sat here for about 4 hours now. I feel a bit better for blogging and getting stuff out, I’m bloody exhausted now. I’m going to try and get an earlier night.

A couple of weeks ago I decided for my own mental health and sanity to cut ties with my ex completely, which meant deleting messages, blocking on FB and burning the break up letter they gave, which wasn’t as satisfying as I thought it would be. I couldn’t keep tormenting myself and I felt like I was still holding on, waiting, hoping that maybe I’d be wanted again. I didn’t really want to remain friends in the first place, it’s what they wanted and rather then be strong and stand up for myself I just went along with it. But I can’t heal from the situation whilst stuck in it and still wishing and hoping we’d get back together. I kept thinking I was over it but its still just as painful as when we broke up. I hate feeling so deeply, cuz sure as hell they don’t miss me or were even hurt by the break up, even if they did they didn’t show it. But why would they be hurt, I mean its only me right. Not speaking to them is so painful but being friends was painful, I can’t win.

Man, writing all this shit out makes me feel so broken.. no wonder I’m alone! lol who the fuck wants to take me and all my baggage on?! I don’t even want me.. Maybe this will always be the way, maybe one day I’ll find the light in all this darkness.

Peace out

Zak

My food diary – Week 3

So there are two parts to this weeks blog, I haven’t tried new food per-say but I tired a new meal and a new restaurant.

I’ll start with the new restaurant, so on Sunday I felt so so ill with a sinus infection, which I get all the time at the moment as my immune disorder isn’t currently under control. My head was so sore, I hurt all over, the weathers been rubbish and I was really hungry. I really didn’t have the energy to cook, I didn’t really fancy pizza hut. So I ordered from a place called Chicken N Blues, now this may seem easy for most people but when you have a issue with food its really not easy or simple eating at new places. I have a real fear of eating at places I never have before, I get worried about if I’ll like the food, will the food make me sick…the list goes on. So a simple thing to most people was actually a big thing for me. I ordered a grilled chicken wrap and corn on the cob and waited for it to be delivered.

My food arrived, I got a can of Pepsi and my tray and got comfy on the sofa. I unwrapped my chicken wrap and took a huge bite and wow omg I can’t believe I’ve never eaten that before, it was amazing and I ate the whole thing. It was so good, I literally could eat that every day lol. It was so good I had it Monday night too lol. I’m so glad I stepped out of my comfort zone and got food from a new place. I’m definitely getting better at this food bizz lol.

Part 2 of my diary is that I cooked a meal tonight, I had sweet and sour pork stir fry, with egg noodles. I used a rainbow stir fry veg mix, sweet and sour sauce with pineapple, pork and egg noodles, all from Asda. Now I don’t think I cooked the noodles properly as I’ve never cooked fresh pasta before, so I didn’t end up eating them. But hey cooking is about trial and error I suppose. But I really enjoyed the rest of it, all of it I’ve eaten before but I don’t think I’ve eaten it altogether before. I certainly haven’t cooked it for myself before and its definitely something I will eat again.

I know this isn’t strictly trying a new food but I still feel its helping me tackle me issues with food by stepping out of my comfort zone a bit. Oh I got food shopping delivered today and I bought myself more raspberries as I really enjoyed them last week.

Again no plans for what I’m going to try next week, will probably see on the day.

Peace out

Batman

Don’t listen to that little dark voice.

A lot has changed in 3 days, a good kind of change though. I’m feeling much better then I did when I last posted on Wednesday. I am much more articulate now and I am able to write a decent sentence…Well I hope so anyway.

On Thursday I wasn’t going to go to my LGBT mental health group, I just didn’t want to go. The little dark voice was whispering in my ear saying “don’t go” “you’ll have a better day at home” “you don’t need that group anyway” etc you get the picture, the depression whispering lies into my ear constantly, trying to keep me at home, keeping me away from people, keeping me from helping myself to push through and feel better. Because the dark voice disappears if I ignore him, so he shouts as loud as he can for as long as he can, until the little ray of light starts talking sense, telling me that there is hope and I will feel better again.

That little ray of light gets louder and stronger the more I pushed on with my day. He got a little louder after I had my breakfast, a little louder still after having a shower and getting dressed. The dark voice was shouting too both in equal measure, my head was so loud but I knew what path I had to follow. I carried on and took the dogs out for a walk, I kept having to sit down as the dark voice was making my body feel so heavy and weak but I pushed through. By this point both voices were raging at each other, I was just listening to them both, both made good points. But ultimately listening to the dark voice would mean just perpetuating the liar that is depression, he would win, the only way I was going to feel better is if I listened to the light voice and went to group.

So I managed to get my stuff together, it took every fibre of my being to do this. As I walked out the front door, locking it behind me, the dark voice realised he’s lost. So he went back to whispering softly in my ear, whispering things like “you won’t have a good day” “you’re stupid” etc… :/

By the time I got on the bus, my head was fairly quite again and my whole being felt so exhausted. I kept falling asleep on the bus trip and very nearly missed my stop but I suddenly realised where I was and pressed the button to get off.

Group itself was good, I don’t remember what we did but I think that’s because it was such a huge battle to just get there, I struggled to be present. But I was there, I stayed, I participated as much as I could and I felt better as a result.

I still didn’t feel 100% better but I felt more myself for going out. I had a good evening, I made myself dinner, played with the pups while waiting for my food shopping, snacked on a peanut butter and syrup sandwich and went to bed.

Friday I went to the Weymouth LGBT mental health group and again it was a bit of a battle to get up and ready, but the struggle wasn’t nearly as bad as the day before. So it just goes to show that my mood was on the way back to normality again.

As always the journey there and back was good and the session itself was good. I think I’ve been going to that group for about a year now, which is cool and makes me proud 🙂

Got home from group about 6pm, I was so tired but I took the pups out for a quick wee and run. When we got back in I stripped off, my binder was hurting so off that came, jeans came off and were replaced by joggy bottoms, although if it was warmer I would just be walking about in boxers and top…but its still too cold for that unfortunately.

I had no energy or motivation to do anything, so I flopped onto the sofa, narrowly missing Harley and Foxy who were both on the sofa, waiting for attention. I reclined both sides of the sofa and I was soon surrounded by all four of my fur babies, I didn’t however appreciate scrappy standing on my back because he’s so freaking heavy! It was nice though, I spent about an hour just laying in silence, with my babies all round me.

Managed to muster up the energy to make myself some dinner which was nice. I just spent the evening watching tv and chatting to friends online.

Today the sun was out and it was like a cool spring day, its been so nice. Before I could go and enjoy the sunshine, I did the housework as its been a bit neglected this week due to my low mood . I felt better for doing it and the place no longer smelt of stinky cat litter, which isn’t a good smell.

I got myself together and I took the dogs for a walk and we went on the longer route. I thought it a bit ambitious of me to walk the long way and it worked out that yeah it was a bit ambitious. I kept having to sit down and resting along the way, but that was ok as I got to just sit in be in the moment.

Once again when I got in, I stripped off the chest binder and my jeans and adopted the much more comfortable joggy bottoms and I rested for a bit with my babies.

I started my dinner early as its quite a time consuming dish and didn’t want to eat too late in the night. I made myself a chicken and leek pie and it was very nice if I do say so myself. I did the washing up as I went along so it wasn’t overwhelming.

I have spent my evening playing with the animals and listening to music. Which makes a change from having the TV on all night and its been a nice change.

Recently I’ve been conscious about the amount of time I spend on my phone, laptop, ps3 and watching tv and I know that it doesn’t always have a good effect on me. So I’ve been switching off my mobile phone, not going on the laptop every night, now watching tv every day. I’ve been mixing up my routine a bit more, cuz before I would watch certain things in the day, then spend all evening with the TV on and my laptop on.

I like people not texting and talking to me all day long, sometimes I just turn my phone off and sit and play with the dogs, or do some colouring or whatever. Not having to be plugged in 24/7 is very freeing, just to sit and be in the moment and to be in whatever is going on around me is nice. It means I’m not missing out on spending quality time with friends or the animals, I’m not missing out on moments because I am not being sucked into my phone. I am learning more and more how to just be and it is difficult but I have found that if one of my senses is being occupied then I can be in the moment, being still and quiet.

I know people worry when I don’t text straight back or whatever but they don’t need to worry because I am ok, I’m just going back to basics.

So after sitting here for about 3 hours writing, well not solidly I may add, how do I feel? I feel calm, happy and connected with myself. I feel hopeful and excited to see L tomorrow for her birthday 🙂

My life is by far simple but I somehow get myself through it, I will drag myself through this life kicking and screaming until the very end! I will not give up, that dark voice will NEVER win the war.

That is all for now, as my heads starting to hurt from looking at the screen. Glad I took the time to update this though, as its been a while and I always feel better for getting it all out and hopefully I will sleep peacefully tonight.

Peace out

Batman

Over did it – catch up

I’ve not posted for a week and that’s because I’ve been so busy, I haven’t really stopped until today. Its been great and I’ve been having a good time but I’ve totally over done it and I feel so awful today, so exhausted.

I’ll do a quick catch up of what I’ve been up too this week.

Wednesday – I don’t really remember much from this day as its so long as. But I remember I had to stay in for someone to come and lower my shower pole, so I can now reach it when sat on my shower stool. I rang up the RSPCA to get a voucher to get Harley Spayed and microchipped. I think I just relaxed and pottered about the flat, doing the housework and laundry.

Thursday – This day was SO long! I saw my bone doc in the morning and WOW that was a real shit appointment and I really despise her!

This was my FB status about it..

I really dislike my bone doc. She doesn’t listen and she doesn’t care! I asked for my whole condition/symptoms to be reviewed and she kept asking me what I meant… If I want my hyper mobility looked into I have to ask my gp to refer me to some genetic place in Southampton… She wasn’t really clear about this.

She’s still banging on about coming off steroids… So in a few weeks after my blood results today I get to start azathioprine and it that goes well then she wants to start lowering steroids again…

My bloods are all negative and have been for ages but it doesn’t explain my constant sinus infection, the chronic pain and fatigue…
And she just put the burst blood vessel in my finger down to steroids and again she didn’t even take a close look, she just glanced at it.
I really dislike her.

But I didn’t write that she wanted to examine me, which is fine and I am totally used to that. So I took off my jumper and jeans but she asked me to take my off so she could listen to my chest…I refused too as she can listen to my chest without me being completely undressed. She did listen to my chest with my top still on but that’s not the point, she was totally out of order. She’s knows I’m trans and she obviously has no understanding and no desire to understand. Needless to say my gender dysphoria was horrific afterwards.

After that I headed straight to group, which was cool as usual 🙂

http://www.dorsetmind.org.uk/

I went and had fuzzy hair cut an styled, so I look much better now 🙂 I always feel so good after a haircut.

Met L and Boo Boo in town for a bit and then took Boo Boo home with me. Got home, sorted out Boo’s stuff, played with him for a bit, cooked us dinner, took pups for a wee, played a bit more and then put Boo to bed. I just spent the evening relaxing and watching tv.

Friday – Albert had me up early, so we went into the lounge and I put frozen on for him and I napped on the sofa for a bit, I wasn’t ready to be up at 7 am! But after that I was totally ready and we both had breakfast, Frozen was put on for a 2nd time and then we both had a shower an got dressed.

Took the pups for a quick wee and run around, which Boo Boo had fun playing with the pups. Dropped the pups home and Boo’s pushchair and walked over to the park, where we played for about an hour. I had to then bribe him into walking to a shop I needed to go to, I said I’d buy him chocolate if he left the park.

We just chilled out in the afternoon, doing lots of colouring and watching Disney films, he really got into Tangled which is one of my favourite films. I love Disney so I didn’t mind spending all afternoon watching them with Boo.

Boo and I had dinner and it was actually nice to have dinner with someone, rather then cooking for just myself. I did have to encourage him to eat it though, as he’s two and a half now and definitely asserting his right to say no, I don’t like it! Plus his taste buds are changing too, he’s gone from eating anything to very little, although he will eat chocolate all day every day lol.

We chilled out after dinner, playing with his dinosaurs and cars. He then asked me to read his book so he could go to bed, it was so sweet. Again in the evening I just spent clearing up and then relaxing.

Saturday – Boo had me up at 7:30 am..wanting to watch Frozen again! While he was doing that I had a little sleep on the sofa, as I do not do early mornings.

Again he wanted a shower with me and when we got dressed we both had Batman t-shirts on 🙂 Took the pups for a wee and a run across the road, so Boo had fun playing with them. He’s so good with the dogs, its so cute.

Boo and I had some lunch, I got his stuff together and cleaned up a bit. Then got the bus and dropped him off with his dad’s family, as L was still really ill and needed a little more time to recover.

I went over to see L and Harvey and as soon as I walked in Harvey was showing me his minecraft and what he’s been building, which is pretty cool actually. I took Arnie around the block for a quick walk and wee.

Headed home and while I was sat on the bus I had a migraine start…and I didn’t have any sumatriptan left!! While I was walking home, through town I nipped into the chemist and bought some sumatriptan, got in and stripped off, got into my pjs, took my Tramadol and got into bed. I hate migraines so much, all I can do is sleep when I get one.

I slept for an hour, I then had dinner, got a shower, got dressed into my new fancy shirt and jeans, took the pups for a quick wee and then E picked me up for J’s birthday party.

It was such a good night, I talked to loads of new people. I even got into a club without being asked for I.D which is great as I don’t have I.D lol!

Sunday – I got up quite early considering I got to sleep quite late. Did my usual morning stuff, got me and the pups ready and got the bus over to L’s.

We spent all day there which was cool, I went out and got some food shopping, I took the pups around the block for a wee. Then chilled out for a bit as I was so achy, probably because I was really tired. Then Harvey and I took the pups down to the park for an hour, he rode his bike as he wanted to show me how well he can do it now. So that was cool just spending some time with me and him, gave L a chance to have a lil snooze. When dinner was ready I sorted it all out. Afterwards I fixed the nob on her slow cooker as she’d managed to melt it…yeah don’t ask lol!

I think I left about half 8 pm, got home and jumped in the shower, got into bed and was sound asleep by 10:40pm.

Monday – I woke up quite early, ate a packet of jaffa cakes and got back into bed until lunch time…I totally needed it. Did the housework and laundry, took the pups for a wee. Sorted out my meds for the week, sorted out my list of what’s going on for the week. Then in the evening I went to the Breakfree trans group social. Which as always was a good laugh, even if it was just the 3 of us lol.

Today – I woke up this morning and I didn’t feel good, I hurt all over, I felt weak and tired, my nose was all blocked. So I just had some breakfast and went back to bed until lunchtime.

Dragged myself into the shower, then got dressed and took the pups for a wee but it started raining, so we came back and I got into my joggy bottoms, as I was still so achy and feeling delicate. Spent the afternoon catching up with X-files and Gotham, while I went through the box of Lego Harvey gave me. Most of it was just random bits and fake Lego, so chucked that out and I was left with a handful of real Lego bits. I then decided to sort through my Lego into bags of their colours.

I did go out for a bit to get electric and to pay my rent, I needed to stretch my legs a bit. Also went to Asda chemist to re-order more meds.

Just been relaxing this evening, had dinner, ordered my food shopping and caught up with emails and stuff.

How do I feel right now? I’m exhausted, I’m achy and I do feel frustrated with all my health crap because it gets my down so much. I feel ok-ish just a bit low but nothing I can’t handle.

Tomorrow I am meeting my Nan and Grandad for the first time since I wrote “that” letter. I’m a bit nervous about it especially as I’m physically not feeling great and not on top form. I’m sure it will be ok…

The mothership text me the other day and asked if she was seeing my for my birthday (which is next week) and I just said I don’t know and she said ok. To be honest no I don’t want to see her but she’s not getting the hint. Whatever though.. she’s a stress I don’t need in my life right now. She’s a negative influence in my life, that sounds awful as she gave birth to me, but regarding me emotionally she hasn’t put an ounce of anything into me. Yes I was always, fed, clothed and had a roof over my head but my emotional needs were never met. Anyway its just a complicated situation and I don’t want her in my life.

Little Harley is booked in this Friday to get spayed and chipped 😦 got to starve her from 8 pm Thursday night. Going to miss her, she’s not been away from me since I’ve had her.

Overall I have been doing ok considering everything I deal with on a daily basis, it is a struggle and it is hard. But I keep pushing through cuz daddy didn’t raise no quitter!

As usual I do have loads of pictures but I shall do that in a separate post.

Peace out

Batman

Tired and achy but feeling happy

Right now I’m too tired to write but I am too tired to move and do anything else… I’m just glad I got through another stressful week with minimal damage.

I’m still not feeling any better then I felt on Thursday, still exhausted, achy, snotty and chesty. I can’t wait to see the nurse tomorrow and get some antibiotics for a bit of relief.

Today my arm and hand that I fractured last year has been so achy today, my thumb is the worst it proper hurts. May need to wear the splint for a bit as a bit of support. But I’ll talk to the nurse about it tomorrow.

Friday I spent relaxing and looking after my needs, which I totally needed. I took the pups out for a walk, it was windy and raining but it was actually quite nice. Not one single person was down where we walked, felt like the only person in the world. Loved feeling the wind and rain on my face, made me feel alive. The pups needed a good run around as they’d not been out since last weekend. After I just spent some time watching TV and then played on the PS3 until dinner. I had gammon for dinner with dumplings and veg, it was so nice and even though my appetite is better I’ve not put on any weight, so I’m well happy with that, I’m still 8st 13lbs.

Saturday L and boo came over and spent the day and mine. It was a good day, me and boo played with trains and cars. We did try and go for a walk but it was so so windy down there and boo was tired so we didn’t go far. Boo fell asleep before we got home, so L and I watched Legend and I made more cheese biscuits mmmmmmm 🙂

After they left I had a little sleep because I was tired and in pain. I made myself dinner and played on the PS3 for about 4 hours, which I love so much.

Today I struggled to get going, I was so tired and felt rough. Still wanted to go out and do something though, hate sitting about even when I do feel ill.

My friend F picked up me and the pups and we went to the beach for a walk. Again it was really windy but at least it was dry and the pups had great fun running around going all crazy.

F and Benny came back to mine for a bit, which was nice. I changed into my joggy bottoms and sat and the floor and Benny kept rubbing himself all over me lol, he’s so sweet and didn’t leave my side bless him.

After they left I chilled out for a bit and eventually I just couldn’t stay awake any longer and fell asleep for about a hour. Cooked myself another nice dinner again tonight, so chuffed that I got my eating back on track quite quickly.

How do I feel right now? Like previous posts, I feel tired, achy and not too well. But my mood has improved and I feel happier then I have done this week. That’s down to seeing my friends, taking the pups out, eating properly, resting and sleeping, oh and playing my games on the PS3 🙂

It’s been a hell of a few weeks and it’s totally mashed my head up, loads of things have been churned up by this benefits process and my continuing counselling etc. But as usual with the help of my friends I’ve managed to pick myself and carry on. Sometimes I wonder how/why I carry on but I do, life is precious and some people don’t have the choice of living their life. But I do and I choose to carry on and live it as best as I can.

 This is how I feel

 Scrappy at Baiter on Friday

 A wind swept Foxy

 Pups chasing each other

 Boo didn’t like the wind

 Playing with trains 🙂

 Muscle boys!

 Selfie 🙂

 Aw selfie ❤

 Pups down the beach

 Another wind swept Foxy running on the beach

 Scrappy loving the beach

 I love the beach in the winter.

Peace out

Batman

I don’t even have the energy to be angry

In just two days things have changed, my mood has dropped and I feel like shit in more ways then one. I literally don’t have the energy for anything right now, I would just like things to go a bit more smoothly for a change.

Yesterday was a good day for the most part, I saw my brother and nephew Leo for a bit in the morning, I then spent the afternoon with my best friend and in the evening I had my transgender therapy group.

That was all cool and made me happy but I had woken up with a really bad sore throat and generally felt pretty rubbish. I carried on regardless though and it was utterly exhausting.

My appetite is back on track now thankfully, Mon I had beef stroganoff, yesterday I made a sausage and bean casserole and today I had gammon, roast veg, roast potatoes and dumplings, it was really nice, I’d never made dumplings before and I will definitely be making them again. It makes my life easier when I don’t have to stress about eating or not.

So today has been a wash out pretty much, I’m so stressed out I’m almost calm about it all because it’s all out of my control at the moment.

I didn’t get out of bed until 12 pm, I just felt and still feel so ill. Everything aches and hurts, my throat is still really sore and I just generally feel unwell. Just what I need another bug…The doctors are still doing something with my details because I can’t log into their system to book an appointment, which is a bit annoying. So I’m going to ring tomorrow and see if I can get an appointment soon. I need another antibiotic to tide me over until the 18th Feb when I see my bone doc and I will be asking for a new immunosuppressant that’s not freaking methotrexate!

Anyway I dragged myself around to do the housework and the laundry. Got showered, dressed and took the rubbish out. After that I felt so exhausted, I couldn’t do anything more because everything was hurting so much.

The pups had a vets appointment at 3 pm, so I was just relaxing and watching tv before I had to go out with them.

My rest didn’t feel long enough and I still felt so ill but I got myself and the pups ready to go out. Just before we left though, I checked my bank details to see if how much money was in my account, I knew there was enough in there but I always check just in case and I am glad I did! Otherwise I would have go there and wouldn’t have been able to pay as all my money was gone!

I had to ring up the vets and cancel the pups appointment and I have to sort out another appointment tomorrow. I took the pups out for a wee and quick run as they’d not been out yet and then dropped them back.

I went to the bank and I was in there for an hour and a half and for the majority of it I was on hold, being passed to 4 different people, listening to crappy music while I was waiting. The guy that was helping me was really nice and so helpful and he spoke to the peeps on the phone for me because I didn’t know what they were on about lol. I was feeling ill and in pain and it made it hard to concentrate on anything.

The reason my money was taken goes back to Nov 15 when I had that fraud issue on my account and had to get a new card etc. Anyway long story short they didn’t receive my letter confirming that this was fraud and not a transaction that was mine, but because I hadn’t heard anything I assumed it was all sorted…clearly not the fucking case. So they’ve had to start the claim all over again, so they will send forms out again for me to sign and send back. But I won’t be sending them back, I’m going to take them to the bank so they can fax it over so they definitely get it this time.

But whilst at the bank the man that was helping me noticed that I have two different titles on my account! Which is why the fraud team were calling me Miss and not Mr..making assumptions I suppose because they too would have seen both titles on my account. Anyway this means whoever originally changed my details they didn’t do it right, so I need to take my deed poll in again and they can sort it out properly.

Yeah…..One more thing on top of everything else I’m dealing with right now. Yes its been easily sorted but I could have done without sitting in the bank on hold for an hour and a half. I haven’t even got the energy to be angry about it. Its like yup ok of course this is happening to me, after all it is me and life likes to fuck me over at every opportune moment. I’m almost expecting for things to just fuck up now because that’s how it’s been the last few months.

Anyway whatever… So how do I feel right now? I feel achy with a really sore throat. I do feel quite angry right now about everything. Mood is low because of all this bullshit..

Going to sort myself out and get to bed soon and hopefully I’ll feel well enough for group tomorrow. I hope so as I missed last week because I was fucking ill!

Peace out

Batman

Beyond Exhausted

It’s only Monday and I’ve got a good feeling about this week and about the “stuff” going on in my life 🙂

I really struggled to get going this morning, I felt so so tired and felt like I hadn’t slept at all even though I’d had a really good nights sleep.

The flat was an absolute state and I really needed to get the housework done, not only because I wanted it done but someone was coming over to help me with my PIP appeal.

I literally had to drag myself around the flat to tidy up bit by bit and it took every ounce of the little energy I had to sort it out.

I then used my last bit of energy to have a shower and get dressed. I also took the pups out for a quick wee and a run, how I made it over the road and back I don’t know. I was running on empty by this point.

Hate feeling this exhausted, it makes me feel so weak and everything is so much more of an effort to do anything at all. Its almost like I’m carrying a person on my back and someone holding on to my ankles holding me back from walking. It makes me feel so dragged down, its really hard to explain to someone who’s never experienced it. All I want to do when I feel like that is sleep and all I can do when I feel like that is sleep.

Sadly I couldn’t sleep right away, as I had a lady come over to help me sort out my appeal for my PIP (personal independent payment) She was really nice and we spent nearly two hours talking about my conditions. She said they that I should have been given a point for having a pill box! Not that it would have made much of a difference BUT it’s utterly disgusting that they did not write that down. Most things I said they didn’t write down.

Anyway she seemed quite hopeful about my chances and she thinks that if my docs write me some good letters that it shouldn’t go further then a mandatory reconsideration, which should take about 6 weeks-ish. I am really hoping that it doesn’t have to go further then this but I will be ready just in case I have to fight it further.

She said I have a strong case for the care component part of the claim but the mobility component part of the claim maybe a bit trickier purely because I’m not in a wheelchair and it’s hard to judge me pain, how far I can walk etc. But she said there is something I can do to help that part, which is to measure my step and then count how many steps I can take before I am in pain and or have to stop and do that for say 3 different days in a week and then she can do the maths and work out an average of how far I can walk and hopefully that will be enough to help with that part of the claim.

At one point we were talking about who cares for me, e.g a social worker..etc and I said no one and that’s not because I don’t want/need that kind of support but because it’s simply not available. I had a social worker, she saw me once and that was only to get my stool for my kitchen stool and shower stool. All the services are over stretched and have no time for people like me who appear to be capable or whatever. But I have to deal with my life by myself because I have no other choice, it’s such a catch 22 situation. It just highlights to me that I do have a lot of needs that are being met because I put an extraordinary amount of energy into every aspect of my life. But I do wish I had a social worker or whoever to help me with appointments, or sorting medications or just to talk too. I know that this kind of support would be invaluable for me, it’s just simply not available and people like me are slipping through the net and aren’t getting what they need and it’s so so sad to thing there are others like me suffering because of the lack of services.

Appointments like this always bring up so much for me and makes me think about my illnesses and how much it effects my life and it doesn’t make me feel good. I hate this illness so much but I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone…I won’t go on too much as I don’t want it to effect my mood any more then it already has.

Anyway the lady left just before 2 pm and I had just about enough energy to let her out and then collapsed into bed, where I slept until 4 pm…yeah I wasn’t tired at all..and I’m totally fit for work! lol

My friend H popped over for a bit to kill some time before an appointment, so that was nice to catch up with her for a bit.

I managed to eat dinner tonight, I had rice and my beef stroganoff and I managed to eat the majority of it as well. So pleased I could eat properly and hopefully I will be able to continue to eat well again. Tomorrow I’m making sausage and bean casserole in the slow cooker 🙂 so looking forward to that.

Went to the chemist this evening to pick up some medications that I had ordered last week. But my meds weren’t ready, usually when this happens it really annoys me because it’s either a cock up caused by the chemist or the doctors. Today however was different because no one has messed anything up, so the lady explained that my doctors surgery had said that they had taken me off their system and are in the process of putting my details back onto the system. The lady was a bit confused as to why they were doing it and why I was pretty much bouncing up and down lol! This means they are FINALLY changing my title and my gender and I will get a new NHS number, it’s only taken them nearly a year to sort this out. But that’s irrelevant now as it’s being done.

I cannot express how happy this has made me, even though its a pretty minor detail in the grand scheme of things. But because I am in a sort of limbo while I’m waiting to be seen at the gender clinic and I’ve had to fight for this as well, so it feels like a small victory! So yeah I am a very happy boy right now 🙂

How do I feel right now? I feel tired, I feel happy and I feel relived as well. I just hope everything with my benefits goes in my favour and it doesn’t take too long.

 I woke up to this after my nap ❤ aw they are so cute ❤ Miss Marley moo and Foxy girl.

Right I gotta get myself ready for bed, I need my beauty sleep lol.

Peace out

Batman

Anger Issues and Great Friends

Sunday again..it seems to come around quicker every week and wow what a week it’s been.

How would I describe this week? Well this week has been filled with high emotion, mainly anger and frustration, with a bit of crying and some happy days. But the anger was really fucking intense, like I felt like the hulk and just wanted to smash everything. I hate feeling like that though because I feel so out of control and I kinda scare myself too..like is that normal? I don’t know, maybe it is.

My anger issues became worse after my dad died, which is a normal part of the grieving process and it did subside for a while. But since coming out as transgender my anger is a bit of a issue again, some days even smalls things makes my blood absolutely boil and I become angry in an instant.

It’s probably due to a number of things, like having issues with changing my details at my doctors and the fact he took so long to refer me to the gender clinic, which is another battle I have to fight. Then on top of that I am dealing with gender dysphoria, so disassociation from myself, mind and body. The frustration of constantly being misgendered and the fact I can’t bind my chest..yeah the list of frustrations about the transition as it is right now just goes on and on. I know I will be happier in the long run and it will be worth it, but it’s been a massive trigger for me not being able to control my anger. Through all of this crap though I’ve only resorted to cutting once 🙂 which I am proud of because before I did DBT, if faced with a situation like this then I would have just succumbed to my self harm addiction and it would have totally taken over me and I would have had NO control. But because I have done DBT and I have grown as a person, the addiction, my dark passenger is no longer in control of me. I am totally in control of my dark passenger now and he’s never far behind me and he will probably always be with me, but right now my dark passenger has now power, I’ve taken the power back. In two and a half years I’ve only cut once and that’s just a huge thing for me, as at one point in my life I cut every single day. So yeah I have come a hell of a long way and I am extremely proud of myself for that.

I did a course on anger management, not for myself though. I did that course when I was working with young people, so it was about how to work with people with anger issues..anyway I mention this because I think I may still have the paper work some where and it could be useful for me to look at and do some of the worksheets…Might be worth a bash!

I am still doing my mindfulness, although the last few weeks it has been difficult to sit and do because I’ve either been too tired and it’s made me fall asleep or I’ve just not been calm enough or been able to get myself into a place where I have been able to sit and meditate. Next week is a fresh week and I will try again 🙂 I do need some grounding and relaxation, I need to get back into my body and relax my body.

Since my last post I have had 3 good days and I do feel more relaxed and happier then I have done this past few weeks. I love that I have amazing network of friends around me now, a few years ago I didn’t and I would have just sunk. But now with my friends and my groups I can keep myself afloat.

Friday was really busy, the dogs had their haircut in the morning and I had the doctors in the afternoon and I spent 4 hours in the evening baking things for the weekend.

The doctors went ok, I have more antibiotics and if after them I still feel rough then I’ve gotta do a sputum sample and he will refer me back to ears, nose and throat. Also got to mention it to the chest doc tomorrow and see if he has any ideas about what we can do. My gp is going to back me up to the benefits people, as he’s been asked to do a report for ESA. So yeah I am really pleased about that. The last few times I’ve been to see him I’ve been really emotional lol and close to crying, out of sheer frustration. But he’s great and he’s such a lovely GP.

Saturday I did the housework in the morning and in the afternoon I had friends over for Foxy’s birthday party. Which was so much fun, all 4 dogs had a great time playing with each other and eating their little cakes. We also went for a short walk and got home just before it started raining.

H came over for a few hours, which was so great to see her as I know she is really struggling right now. So I really appreciated the fact she came over 🙂

L and Harvey ended up staying the night, so that was cool. We had burger king for dinner and watched Batman films. I let Harvey have a go on my Lego Jurassic world game and he LOVED it lol and asked me to buy it for him, cheeky boy. So I said I might get it for his birthday if he’s a good boy.

After Harvey went to bed, L dyed her hair pink and we put a bit on foxy too lol. Then we watched Sinister 2 🙂 and I had to watch something funny after or I wouldn’t have slept lol!

L and Harvey left early this morning, so I could go nap for a bit. I then got on it like sonic, did the housework, put dinner on in the slow cooker, had a shower and took the pups out for a quick wee.

Then I was all calm and ready for my two friends who came over for dinner. They spent all afternoon until the evening with me, they enjoyed the dinner I made and I really enjoyed cooking it. E had brought over a crumble that she had made and that was so yum. We played the card game that E taught me how to play and I really love it 🙂

So yes a great 3 day which I totally needed, I am extremely blessed to have these people in my life. I hope I lift them up as much as they lift me up.

This week isn’t too busy, I have the hospital tomorrow and group social in the evening, that’s if I feel ok enough. I have my 1:1 gender counselling Tues and Mindout LGBT mental health group social on Thursday and I am hoping to feel well enough to go to my friends boy’s birthday party  on Sunday.

Apart from tomorrows appointment, I am looking forward to this week. I do have lots to sort out, I need to look through my bills and see what I can cut or get down a bit. Need to ring Diverse abilities again to get an appointment with someone to help sort out my ESA. I just need to get super organised and stock up on essentials for me and the pups, in hope to take the pressure off when my money goes down in two weeks from this Tues.

Urgh when I did I get so grown up and have to deal with all this lol! I hate this adult stuff, I want a refund! It is NOT as it was advertised.

How am I feeling right now in this moment after writing this blog? Well I am extremely tired and I wasn’t going to write but I kinda needed too and I feel so much better for it, I always do. I feel happy and I suppose you could say I feel content in this moment, I feel relaxed too. I also feel strong, strong enough to sort my benefits out, strong enough to win this fight. I know there will be times when I won’t feel strong. But in this moment I feel very strong and capable, this is down to cooking for friends this evening, I feel proud of myself for that.

Here are some pics from the last few days

 Me looking and feeling hella fly!

 My beautiful foxy girl after her haircut.

 Harvey

 Foxy, Scrappy and Arnie 🙂

 Benny and Arnie 🙂

Peace out

Batman

I hate my body!

Quick post as it is 10 pm and I don’t think I have much to write…but we will see.

So I’ve had a pretty awesome day but that’s not the main reason for this post.

This morning I did my housework and then met a friend who I did DBT with a few years ago, so that was nice to catch up. We hadn’t met up since early September last year, so it was great to catch up for a few hours. I am going to try really hard to meet up with her more often because she’s really lovely. She was asking me lots of questions about my transition today and that was cool, I’m always happy to answer questions.

I felt a migraine coming on when I got in, so I took my sumatriptan and led on the sofa with the pups and rested for a bit.

H popped over for just over an hour which was nice to see her 🙂 even if it was a brief visit.

I made myself some more cheese biscuits because they are easy to make and they are so nice. This time I used more cheese though 🙂 and it was definitely made it better.

I then made beef stroganoff, which I have never ever made before and I’d never even eaten it until xmas eve. I think I made it pretty well 🙂 it was really nice. I made rice to go with it and I ate it all, put I have enough to freeze 3 portions.

I then did the washing up as I pretty much used every pan and utensil in the entire kitchen lol! So it’s all sorted now, so I don’t have to worry about it tomorrow before group.

Still felt full of energy for some reason, so I took the pups for a short walk down to the water and back through the high street. It was nice to get out even if we did get soaked lol.

Got in had a nice warm shower, put on a load of washing and here I am. Pups are chilling next to me drying off and warming up 🙂

My main reason for this post is my gender dysphoria because today and the last few days it’s been pretty shit.

My stupid body is trying to have a shark week (please google this if you are unsure) Which in itself is stressful but my man boobs are bigger and because I cannot bind, I think they are sticking out more even through my hoodie, I am usually able hide them under my hoodie. At the moment I am very conscious of them and I fucking hate them! like really fucking hate them!

I have also put on like 3lbs so I am 9st and my stomach is bloated. But I feel so fucking fat and horrible because of it! If the weight gain carries on I will be cutting my quetiapine down to 25mgs again!!

I just hate my body so fucking much right now and there is NOTHING I can do about it! URGH! It’s so frustrating.

I am going to try again to find a sports top to help flatten my chest down a bit because the binder is just too much. But I am not holding out much hope that it will make me feel any better.

My appointment for the gender clinic cannot come soon enough! I hope this shark week stops and everything deflates again!

I am so so frustrated with it all and there’s nothing I can do about it. Other then keep doing my DBT skills and self care to keep me stable and safe.

So yeah…that’s how I am feeling right now. I am happy that I’ve had a good day and managed to make myself a meal I’ve never made before. But I am extremely unhappy with my body and how it makes me feel right now.

That’s all for now.

Peace out

Batman