trauma – Parts work

I posted last week I think about childhood trauma, but I missed a big chunk out. I didn’t come to mind at the time, but as I’ve mentioned before my memory has huge chunks missing and things that aren’t in order and that’s got much worse over the years and I think that’s mainly cuz I’ve been getting closer to the source of the trauma, maybe its ready to start healing. Finally.

So when I was about 7 years old I started getting ill (I’m not sure if that age is accurate, but I know I was in first school) I think it started with asthma like symptoms and in fact I ended up having a asthma attack as all my x-rays would come back clear and I have the same issue now, I can have a chest infection and doc’s can never really hear anything until I cough. So In was treated for asthma, I then started having nosebleeds that would last for what felt like hours at a time and because I was young and the shape of my nose wasn’t right they would never cauterise my nose to stop the bleed. It then progressed to joint pain and fatigue but as was young most doctors didn’t really know what was wrong with me.

By the time it came to the year 2000, which was the year after my parents divorce (I think) I was diagnosed with an auto immune disorder, for which I was given heavy medications and their side effects were just as brutal as my illness itself. I was given no support for my mental health, I was given no extra support at school even though I had to take a lot of time off. I was given this huge life changing condition and I just had to manage it myself and that wasn’t easy.

At school I was always different, always the outsider and dealing with a auto immune disorder, did me no favours. I was already struggling with my mental health and this only impacted on it. I thought my life was over, what I wanted to do with my life was taken away from me, well I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life, but now everything seemed pointless. I’d already given up on my life at that point and to be honest I feel the same way, just a ghost going through the motions until I die. (PSA No I am not suicidal, just tired of existing, wanting this pain to end, not to be dead)

Childhood/teenage years are pivotal for the person you grown into as an adult and some who suffer trauma in those years can because stuck there, or parts of your inner system can become stuck in a certain mode as a way to protect that child.

I have been reading about ‘parts work’ or internal family systems model and holy shit did my protective child go crazy when I read about the protective child, why they are formed and how they can be changed to be more in balance. I felt physically weird reading that part, I definitely disassociated, felt itchy and uncomfortable and had to stop reading, so I could get up and move around. I ended up having to do something else as my protective child wasn’t ready to be reading that stuff, especially as its only been in the last week that I’ve verbalised to another human that yo this trauma is the source of this pain that isn’t shifting no matter what I do, I need to heal this pain first.

But I know that this protective child is protecting not just me but other deeply hidden pains and I know that this is going to take a while to work through and its not going to be easy or comfortable but I want to heal properly now, I think I’m finally ready to be vulnerable enough to dig through this pain and trauma that’s trapped within. I want to feel more balanced, I want to feel happy, I want to let this stuff go. I want to be able to fully accept myself and I want to self to take its place, I want to stop coming from a place of hurt and self preservation because that’s not helping me.

I want to stop hurting, because its getting to hard to keep carrying on my own. The load is too heavy now, I only end up bleeding on everyone, that’s why I can’t break into any friend circles, I don’t want to be alone anymore.

But for now at least I know that 95% of the time protective child fronts to protect me from the world because that’s what he’s had to do for so long. I wish I could hold that little kid and tell him its going to ok, those nights I would cry in bed at night, all alone. I’d never let myself be emotional or cry in front of anyone, I’d hold it in until I was alone. I do the same now, I could do with a hug now, someone to tell me I’m going to be ok.

I may not be where I want to be, or where I think I should be, but I’m finally starting to understand myself a little better. It’s never too late right?!

Peace out

Zak

Self care – Honouring your emotions

Honouring my emotions is not something that comes easily to me, mainly because its so uncomfortable. I really hate sitting with how I feel, I’m always trying to make myself feel better, but I’ve realised in doing so I’ve been making the situation worse.

Lately I’ve been doing so much to distract myself, that I’ve ended up running away from how I actually feel inside and I’ve been ignoring how my body feels and its been shouting at me.

I hate feeling depressed and anxious, so I’ve been distracting myself. All this has done is magnify the depression and anxiety and made it worse.

This weekend I decided that I need to just sit and be and feel my emotions. Which has been difficult and uncomfortable and I can feel the sadness and darkness slowly creeping in, I feel vulnerable and emotional, I feel on the verge of tears but haven’t been able to let myself cry. I also somehow feel a bit more relaxed, less tight and intense. I feel a bit calmer then I have done.

Just sitting with how I feel seems to be helping, I’m going to try my best to continue to sit with how I feel and observe and notice when I am trying to hard to run from how I feel.

Sometimes self care isn’t about doing, sometimes its about doing nothing and just sitting and feeling the emotions, no matter how difficult it is.

I hate sitting with the darkness because I know it can be stronger then I feel. It makes me feel so weak and worthless, I know the depths of the darkness, I’ve been there before.

Obviously going to counselling is stirring lots of things up for me, helping me deal with stuff that happened last year with friendships, relationship and older stuff. It feels different to counselling I’ve had before, I feel more open, laid bare. I feel like this will really help with meaningful healing.

I surrender, I cannot control my emotions, I cannot control the darkness, I trust that in my surrendering the universe will provide me with healing and continue to guide me to my inner light.

Peace out

Zak

Today sucked

Today sucked!

I hate how sometimes a little change can cause such an extreme emotional reaction in me, it’s like I have no control over it and it just ruins the whole day.

Rather then just accept the situation as it is, my brain just over reacts and ruins the whole day and makes me feel like shit.

Then the negative thought cycle appears and it’s really hard to make it go away or to change it. It’s exhausting constantly fighting against yourself.

I’ve tried to get myself out of how I feel but hasn’t worked just yet. Although right now I feel more sad and lonely then anything else.

Earlier I was really fucking angry. That’s mostly gone now and just left with a low mood.

It hasn’t been helped by the fact I’ve been pretty isolated this week. I saw a couple of friends last night for a few hours which was lovely. But they’re the only people I’ve seen since Sunday.

I like my alone time but not 4 days in a row. Two, three days tops is enough alone time for me, then I start to need a bit of real life human interaction.

But like today plans get fucked up. To be fair though I’ve fucked up a lot this week cuz I keep messing up dates, forgetting shit… so been causing lots of issues.

It’s really frustrating and right now I feel like I can’t do anything right so why bother at all, cuz I’m just getting everything wrong and messing everything up.

My mood is all over the place this week, I either feel ok or I feel really low. It’s probably because my testosterone shot is due next week. I hate feeling these extreme emotions.

Most of the time I handle them pretty well I think but just sometimes everything just bubbles over and goes crazy and I get over the top reactions to stuff. I hate it so much, makes me feel like such a dick that some days I just can’t handle stupid little things. Makes me so angry at myself.

Right now all I want to do is hide away forever, have a cuddle, a good cry and a good nights sleep. But that’s not gonna happen, so just sitting outside with the dogs, in hopes I can stop myself from feeling like such a loser! Hasn’t helped yet, but I have tried to feel better. Some days are just easier then others.

Today Negative thoughts 1 – Zak 0

Peace out

Zak

Benefits SUCK…continued..

WOW my previous post was rather positive at the end lol, I always seem to be able to be positive, I have NO idea where/why or how I continue. Like seriously how how do I do this?! I really don’t get it, I suppose it’s because I don’t have a choice. Well I do but then I would die a female and I don’t want that. So I am sort of stuck..stuck with this body that is wrong for so many fucking reasons, stuck with this bullshit government for the next 4 years. Being in this limbo is horrible, it’s the worst place ever. Definitely feel like I am stuck in some kind of purgatory right now. It’s like I am screaming as loud as I can but no one can hear me, it’s horrible.

I have had even more fucking shit news and have been screwed over YET again my that cock at number 10 Mr Cameron! My money has been cut AGAIN! So yeah I’m screwed… and I have to appeal this as well. Although I am not going to attempt to ring anyone or whatever until Monday because I just cannot deal with it right now and I want to enjoy the rest of the week and weekend. Plus I need the anger to subside otherwise nothing will productive will come out of my brain or my mouth lol.

I just cannot believe that as someone with all the health issues that I have, that I have to appeal to get money to live on because I am unable to work. It is beyond disgusting and I didn’t think I would have any issues with this at all and I did keep thinking maybe I was just being cocky…and yes it proves that I was! But seriously it’s disgusting and people who are even sicker then me are being denied benefits! It’s outrageous! It’s sick that in this world right now, unless you are elite you simply don’t matter. We are just their little pawns in all of this.

I could write pages and pages about how I HATE this world right now, there are parts of the world I love, I love the progress the LGBT community has made even in the last year and many other communities. But I hate what this world has become, maybe because I now am seeing the worlds through an adults eyes and because I believe I am awakened and I see what is going on, I see through what is put out by the media, I see through all the propaganda. I have learnt not to trust everything I read or even see in the news. I have learnt to question everything because of how the world is right now. I want to see this world as a child again, it was less scary, less depressing, less hopeless.

So how am I feeling…I am stressed, really fucking stressed. But right this second I am trying really hard to be mindful and to stay in the moment because right this second I cannot do anything about my situation about my benefits and I’m not going to until Monday because I want to enjoy the rest of the week and weekend and reboot for the fight that I have on my hands.

I’m still fighting a sinus infection too, that I’ve had since well forever it feels like. Yesterday all I could do was sleep, I was just so exhausted and so achy and I felt so weak, feeble and helpless, that sleep was pretty much the only option. I ached that much I had to go back to bed and not on the sofa like I usually do for a nap, as I needed something to support my joints a bit more. I see my GP tomorrow and I am going to ask him to refer me back to ears nose and throat. Something is obviously going on, that is beyond the help of antibiotics alone. I’ve had 3 weeks worth so far and they’ve not touched it.. I think I needed my sinuses cleared out again, it’s been a few years since that was last done.

Actually I have a hospital appointment on Monday for thoracic medicine, this hospital currently has an our break of the norovirus. This is raging through the wards and they have actually shut wards down because of it. I always get paranoid going to hospitals when they have an outbreak of anything, even though I won’t be going to the wards I will still be in the building. Anyway I will also be able to talk to this doc about my sinus issues and see if he can help or suggest anything.

I have one bit of awesome news today though and that’s M from Mindout asked me if I wanted to be a volunteer at the Bournemouth group as well as the Weymouth group 🙂 I obviously accepted because I love being part of that group and I love being able to share my experience and the things I have learned that have helped me. Although this means I have to be really nice to everyone even if I feel like I want to punch them in the face….I don’t feel like that really.. 😉 lol! No it’s cool and will be good fun and I think my first session I will be taking will be about mindfulness. M does have a knack for making me cry…I don’t know what it is, out of all the counsellors, therapists and even friends and partners, I do not cry in front of ANYONE. But I have now cried twice, proper bawling my eyes out, with snot and everything! Just rudeness lol, but I never feel embarrassed or stupid. It’s weird… maybe its cuz I know she won’t hug me, or try and make it better and she just lets me be. I don’t know how to explain it or why it’s happened twice now. But crying for me is an massive issue, like it’s just not something I do and if I do, then I cry alone and don’t tell anyone about it. Stiff upper lip and all that British-ness..lol and manliness lol.

My head is hurting now as are my joints, so I need to wrap this up and get myself into bed so I can rest enough to deal with another day. Actually tomorrow isn’t that awful, the pups have the groomers in the morning and then I have to doctors in late afternoon.

My beautiful Foxy girl is 4 years old today 🙂 She got a new laser pen, which all 4 of them love and on Saturday she is having a party with her doggy friends…I know some would think its a bit sad but I do not care!

 Foxy with her new bandanda 🙂

Peace out

Batman

DBT rules in times of stress

Not even sure where my head is at right now, I don’t know where to start or what even was right about today! Ok maybe it wasn’t THAT bad but my buttons were pushed today and I did get mega angry and stressed. I am a lot calmer this evening I am worried that tomorrow will be a repeat of today but I shall explain that in a bit.

I was thinking today about Tuesday when I suddenly came over feeling rather ill and it dawned on me that it wasn’t a bug because it was so short lived and a bug would have at least lasted 24 hours. I only had a bad stomach for a few hours and it was the classic symptoms of a reaction to my methotrexate! I haven’t been ill with it for a while so it didn’t click straight away. I’m glad it wasn’t a bug though.

I couldn’t sleep last night, which again is frustrating. I must have woke up at least 4 times and I was finally up by 7 am. I had something to eat, drink, showered and dressed and just straightened up the flat a bit. Took the pups out for a run for half an hour before I headed up to the doctors..

Now the trip to the doctors was a complete waste of time, the chemist had picked up my prescription for my new sharps box. I knew that once I got to the chemist that they would not have the right box as the box I need they do not stock. So the anger and frustration rises. I dropped my full sharps box and the doctors and headed back into town to the chemist.

Got to the chemist and not to my surprise at all they had the wrong size sharps box! Right colour but it was small and it only fits a few of my pens in it and that is at a push. Anger rises while talking to the chemist! I said in future that they are NOT to pick up and prescription for my sharps boxes because they do not stock the right ones and if the receptionists do not write the right prescription I can sort it out there and then at the doctors.

I then had to ring the doctors up and try and explain the situation without totally losing my shit! Which I did but I was so fucking angry and frustrated with them that I just couldn’t hold back the tears, I was that angry I cried! and I’ve not been that angry in a long time. She said she’d sort something out and to ring her back later, at that point in time there was NO FUCKING WAY! I was speaking to any of them again today!

I just sat on the sofa shaking, trying to choke back the tears as it wasn’t long till I was leaving for group and I did not want red eyes. I ended up just sucking my thumb to calm myself down, I totally zoned out just to briefly escape those intense feelings and to let it die down a bit before dealing with it again. I used my DBT skills in a very skilful way to get my feet back on the ground after being on the ceiling and it was really effective.

I composed myself and got myself ready to go to group. On the bus trip there the events of the morning kept going over in my head but I just tried to concentrate on listening to my music and looking out of the window.

Group was good, well the teaching part we were talking about grief. We looked at Worden’s 4 tasks of grief and it was really interesting, sadly we didn’t get through it all but I still have the handout that I might finish reading at some point. Some of the group dynamic stresses me out though and I did text M right after group saying that if she was talking to a certain person because another person had complained then I wanted the chance to have my say on the situation but if I was way off then to ignore me. She didn’t or hasn’t replied just yet but I feel some tensions in the group and it’s hard to find it enjoyable when there are such tensions present and as usual it it involves the same circle of people…so I left group just as stressed as when I went. Which sucks but it’s not going to be perfect when you have a group of people with mental health issues and or learning disabilities.

I was quite glad to get home to my happy pups and my kitty cats 🙂 they are always happy and stress free. I took the pups across the road for half an hour to run about and play.

I had calmed down enough to ring the doctors back up and sort out another prescription to pick up tomorrow. I then had to go down to the chemist to stress to them NOT TO PICK UP THE PRESCRIPTION FOR MY SHARPS BOX! or I may just fucking explode! So fingers crossed for tomorrow and everyone does what they are meant to do and I should be coming home stress free with the RIGHT! sharps box.

Had myself some dinner, just did some little potatoes, beans and cheese 🙂 filled a lil hole.

Spent the rest of this evening chilling, watching some films and taking hours to write this whole story out lol!

I am feeling very tired and my legs are really achy again today but I’m not as angry as I was this morning, just apprehensive about getting my sharps box sorted tomorrow but now use me stressing now because I now cannot control what happens tomorrow.

Going to take the pups out in a min and then get to bed. No solid plans for tomorrow but I could really just use a day to chill. But we shall see.

Peace out

Batman

lonely

😥 Mood is very very low. But I’ll try write…

I got to bed at midnight, watched tv and played on my tab, I don’t remember how long for. Was feeling very low and lonely….cried myself to sleep.

Woke up at 10 am with a pounding headache and puffy eyes :/ Had breakfast, got showered and got dressed. Took painkillers. Took pups out for a wee and dropped them home.

Left the flat, had a look in a few shops. Got myself some clever putty to play with in group.

Got the bus to group. Group itself was ok…was hard to be there. But felt I needed to go. Chatted to M about stuff afterwards and ended crying lots…found it hard to stop. Even after we stopped talking and I left, I struggled to hold it back together.

We talked about everything and the main thing I’ve been struggling with is loneliness. I’ve seen one friend in 3 weeks, no one has bothered to contact me unless I’ve initiated it…as always. Yeah I saw my family a bit. But in 3 weeks that isn’t good enough. It’s ok when I’m well enough to go out and do things, help friends or whatever, but when I’m ill and struggling…no one bothers with me, even if I reach out. I’m just so alone. It makes me feel like no one loves me, no one actually cares, no one wants to be around me..I’m just a horrible person clearly 😥 No one wants me. I give up. If I didn’t go to my groups I’d go weeks without seeing one single person. No one understands how lonely I am, how depressed I get being ill and in pain all the time. Yes I cope and get on with things but only because I have too. I have no choice but to carry on and be happy and make the best of things. But when it comes to the crunch..I have no one…I feel like well just so alone, isolated.

M is going to talk to me after group next week, so that will be nice.

I had a little look in town before I got the bus home. Bought myself new Batman top I saw. Made me feel a little better.

Got home to my happy puppies. We had cuddles and I took them out for a wee and run. Dropped them back and went to Asda, I wanted to get some smoked haddock to go with my chips.

Chilled out a bit had dinner. Been watching tv. Chatting to my new friend J I met at group Mon. He’s still coming over tomorrow, can’t wait.

Nearly 10 pm now. Going to get to bed after I’ve posted. My head hurts so bad. My eyes are so sore and puffy 😦 keep crying on and off…feels like it won’t stop.

So looking forward to tomorrow.

Batman

The fire is going out…

I didn’t get to sleep till about 2 am and I was up at 7 am! But I did fall back to sleep on the sofa for a bit.

My bro rang me this morning and we spoke for about half a hour. I had asked him if he would take me to my app for my ct scan next week as its so early and he said yes. He is being nice to be recently ever since having another baby.

Got myself showered and decided to shave my very hairy legs…the experiment to see if I liked it come with a 50/50 result. I liked it because I didn’t have to shave….but it didn’t feel right..because my body is female. But I can say I gave it a go. So took a while to shave, I’m naturally hairy! Got dressed and sorted out my bag. Took the pups out for a wee, brought them back, got myself together and left to get the bus to group.

Group was a bit heavy…as I and someone else talked about the lack of help in the mental health system. It was getting me upset, so I did ask if we could stop and move on to something else as I didn’t want to end up sitting there crying.

After group I had the bright idea to do something nice for everyone. And my idea was to get everyone a little box each and the idea is that everyone in the group gets a little box and some bits of card. Each person has to write a word or a sentence on the bit of card for each person in the group and then you keep the little bits of card in the little box and look at it each time you need a little pick me up 🙂 So I went and bought some little boxes and card. I really hope people in the group appreciate it. I also got myself a new napping pillow for the sofa 🙂

I went into the sweet shop to see S, M and W. We all went to go and see the Christmas tree lights being turned on, so that was nice.

Came home, to my very excited babies 🙂 I sat and cut the bits of card down so it would fit into the small boxes, sent a few emails. Just been catching up on fb. I am aiming to get to bed by 11pm at the latest. So after this I need to hang up the washing, eat and take the pups for a wee.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning, I am hoping to get something better for my stomach. Also I need take a sputum sample…gross.

I just feel like utter fucking crap! Totally ready to give up…give in. What’s the point! The fire in my belly to keep going, it on a very low burn

Batman