A day in the life of a trans guy

Well I haven’t been writing for a long while, although the notes on my phone are crazy long lol. I just haven’t had the motivation or concentration to sit down and write, so I have lots to catch up on. That’s if I can make sense of some of the things I’ve noted down.

Yesterday marked 10 months since having had top surgery, it has gone crazy fast. I can barely keep up with myself. My scars are looking great and I’m just so happy with the results, areas of my chest still feel a bit numb but its slowly regaining sensation. I still have the occasional nipple twinge where I’m assuming the nerve endings are still growing, that is a super weird feeling.

I still feel quite self conscious when I’m out and about, I still feel like I need a hoody so I can hide my chest. I still feel like people are staring at me, that I don’t ‘pass’ well enough etc and I know that’s just my insecurities and gender dysphoria. I also think its down to the ridiculously high standard that is set for trans men to look a certain way and I certainly do not meet the criteria. The expectation is that all trans men are super buff, work out, have muscles and are super handsome. I am non of those things, I’m short with a chubby body and I don’t work out or have muscles. I am currently in the process of loosing a bit of weight to help with my self esteem, body image and my general physical wellbeing, but I will never be a gym bunny.

I will never look like a lot of trans activists out there, who all work hard and look amazing. But there’s not a lot of representation out there for different body types within the trans masc community and I am no where near brave enough to show my chubby body in all its chubby glory on social media, as I am not strong enough to handle any negative criticism, even though I know it may help others feel seen, right now its not something I can do. But hey maybe one day.

I also think the expectation that once you have surgery that the dysphoria will disappear, I think I was under the illusion that it wouldn’t be an issue anymore. I’ve spent so long not feeling comfortable in my skin, that its going to take a whole lot of self love to even being to love this body of mine. I am so grateful for my body, it keeps me alive but I still don’t love my body enough and I don’t even really know what that looks like, as I’ve spent so long neglecting my mind and body that true self love and acceptance is not something I’ve experienced before and not sure how it looks or how it feels. I feel like I’m only just starting to scratch the surface of this self love stuff, I’ve got so much I need to heal first but I’m still trying.

The 12 weekly testosterone shots are going well, I’m 2 years and 10 months on T now which again has gone crazy fast. Only feels like yesterday that I would have done anything to be on testosterone and now here I am nearly 3 years down the line. There where times where I thought I can’t wait, its taking too long, once I knew who I was finally, waiting for everything was absolute agony it was almost like a physical pain, it was unbearable. I am so glad I held on, things get better eventually.

I much prefer the 12 weekly shot to the 3 weekly as my hormones are more settled and I feel less chaotic, then on the 3 weekly shots. My next one is due on a couple of weeks and I’ve got to get my levels checked to see how my body is reacting to the longer lasting testosterone. My sex drive has only just settled down since my last injection lol, it sucks being single and stuck in lockdown by myself. The first few weeks after my shot I’m super hungry and just want to eat everything and I’m horny as hell too, which is so weird. Before testosterone I had very little sex drive, mainly due to being on the medications I’m on, but now its a different story lol! But unlike the crazy appetite which settles down, the high sex drive seems to last a good 9-10 weeks! But self pleasure is a good pain relief, which I can say is true as I’ve barely had to take any of my usual pain meds recently so its not just an old wives tale.

I recently joined a dating website, which feels so embarrassing to even say… that I just want the ground to swallow me up right now lol! Its called OkCupid, which is a LGBT friendly dating site and that was the main reason for joining that specific one. I decided to join as I’ve on dated one person in the last 7 years and that relationship was exactly long, it lasted all of 6 months and it was my first relationship out as a trans guy.

There’s a few downsides to the website, one being that I am shit and describing myself and bigging myself up or even making myself sound in the slightest bit interesting…so I’ve not had any likes yet lol and I’m too scared to message anyone first as I feel awkward as fuck and I’m so shit and inserting myself into other people’s orbit, as I feel like I’m being instantly annoying.. Shit if I could be invisible but still be seen that would be the best lol. So yeah I don’t think my profile is really anything special, it doesn’t really stand out from anyone else’s.

The second downside is that I keep being matched with lesbians… like WTF! Lesbians want to be with lesbians, they do not want to be with trans men, I mean that would make them bi/straight. So that’s pretty annoying, trying to sift through all these hot lesbians and I feel bad for swiping no, although I don’t think it tells you who rejects you which is good.

So yeah I’m trying to get myself out there but its so fucking hard when all I want to do is disappear because I don’t feel worthy enough to be taking up space on this earth. I’m desperate to be seen and heard but I also want to disappear which is such a confusing paradox. But a lot of it is I have no self worth, self love etc and like I said I wouldn’t even know what that feels like, looks like. I’m so used to feeling like this for most of my life, its hard to imagine ever feeling any different. Maybe one day. I’ve got a lot of trauma to work through.

I know I am a bit late but HAPPY PRIDE MONTH! Always live your truth, no matter how hard your light will eventually shine and you can be a beacon of hope for others out there.

Peace out

Zak

Darkness is falling

I don’t really have many words to say about how I feel right now. Other then I have fallen down that dark hole again, I am just standing on a ledge, I can either pull myself back up or fall even deeper down. 

My dark passenger is strong again, walking right in my footsteps. Never far from my mind, but I can’t undo all the good work I have done. I am nearly 9 months free from it.. I can’t fail at another thing. 

Still no word from my boss about me having time off… some other members of staff have had/due to have supervisions and have said how unhappy I have been with what has been going on within work etc. So fingers crossed things will change. Right now I am just happy volunteering without the pressure of doing courses etc. I want to be qualified but not right now. My head just isn’t ready. I am still having my time off, the people that run the two groups I volunteer at know I am having time out so that’s all that matters. 

My foxy pup had her annual check up on Wednesday, she’s finally put on weight 🙂 she’s now 3kgs. Which is really good, she was never really under weight, but they are much happier now she has put on a little bit. I’ve just got to try and maintain it. She said that fox is just a naturally slim dog. I mean I can still feel all her ribs, despite her putting on weight. She was really poorly after her jab, she was hot and lethargic, pretty much just dragged her about lol and she even turned down cheese! Which is not like her, but she was back to her normal self the next day. I hate seeing her poorly, but she needs her jabs.

Work Thursday was hard, I didn’t really want to be there. I just wanted to be home.

Today I was up really early! No idea why. Just chilled on the sofa, watching t.v and went back to sleep for a bit. I eventually got showered and dressed, went to town and exchanged some dvds for a bit of money and withdrew some money from my bank account. Came back and was in agony with my joints, so took some pain killers and had a little lay down, but didn’t sleep. I watched Paranormal Activity – The Marked Ones, it wasn’t very good, but I’ve watched the other films. I wrote a poem for Bruce who passed away a yr ago now, its to go on the mural at the advice centre. I think its alright.. 

Bruce, you were there for me at my darkest hour, You helped me when I had no where else to turn, You helped me learn, grow and become the person I am today. You helped me when I got too sick to work, you helped me when I had no home, you helped me when I didn’t want to live. Without you I wouldn’t be here, without you I wouldn’t have a home, without you I wouldn’t be me Bruce you played a massive part in my life and for that I thank you from the bottom of you heart, you are missed dearly ❤ 

I’ve just been doing nothing this evening. Just had cheese and crackers for dinner. Not really hungry.

I’ve got an early start tomorrow, I am being picked up at 7:30 am! Myself and some friends are going to London Comic con! I cannot WAIT! I am hoping it will help lift my mood. 

I have been talking to a lovely lady I met on a dating site called Plenty of Fish. She’s really sweet. Hopefully meeting up with her in a week or so. Only as friends but you never know what it might turn into. We chat every day which is really cool, just learning about each other 🙂

 Fox and Gizmo having snuggles, love the way he’s got his leg across her ❤

 Me just chilling today.

Peace out

Tank girl