Happy New Year – 2021

Hey, how is everyone doing? I hope the first few days of the new year have been treating you well so far.

So far the first few days for me have been fairly good, I haven’t set any new years resolutions for this year, mainly because I feel very soon we will be back into a national lockdown so it seems kind of pointless. Although I do have things I want to aim for and things I want to achieve but I don’t like to share them, or even have them written down, as then I am less likely to do it. It just feels too much pressure to have specific things written down, but I know what I want to do/achieve but also if I don’t that’s totally cool as well because we’re all still stuck in such a weird time and feels like nothings really moving forward very far. I am quite happy with how my life is moving forward anyway right now and even though I initially found lockdown really hard, I am actually really loving my own company, like I am really enjoying it.

New Years day was extremely quite, even though I didn’t actually get to bed that late, I was so exhausted! That all I could manage for most of the day was sleeping and resting, not a terrible way to spend the first day of the new year though. But I did cook up the rest of the veg I had left over from Christmas so it didn’t go to waste, the last of which I will have tonight for dinner, can’t beat a good roast dinner!

Yesterday I did the housework and took the dogs for a walk around the Quay, which I forced myself to do, as it was cold and I was exhausted. But with fatigue its such a catch 22 situation, the less I do the more I’m exhausted but on the flip side if I do too much, I’m also exhausted! So I am making a conscious effort to try and walk a little more every day and try and build my energy levels back up a bit. It’s going to be hard but I’ve done it before, however I am fighting against a under active thyroid as well at the moment, so it may not go quite to plan.

After our walk, I got in and had a rest for a bit before cracking on with some paperwork for my disability benefits. The form filling service needed some information before the phone call, which will help with filling it in, so I spent 2 hours sorting through everything and writing down all the information they needed. I hate sorting through this crap, its so emotionally exhausting and draining!

I treated myself to a Pizza hut for dinner, as I was just too tired to cook or even think about cooking. I had a nice surprise and my friend B video called me, which was lovely as we’d not done that in years! We spent about an hour and a half catching up which was really lovely.

After my video call, it was back to finishing off sorting through the paperwork and I emailed the form filling service with all the information they wanted and holy shit! I felt so much better for having that all done and sorted! The benefits process is so long and draining, but I am so glad I am not doing it alone, because I would just put it off till the last second! Because I hate it so much!

I was so tired after all that I decided to get ready for bed and watched the Simpsons curled up in bed with my 4 fur babies, a perfect way to end a productive day.

Today has been a pretty good day and I am really proud of myself! It was so hard to get going, as its been so cold and grey today, I mean when isn’t it in the UK LOL! But it does make it much harder to get motivated to want to do anything.

I did eventually get myself up, showered, dressed and fed I had peanut butter and honey porridge which I am obsessed with! So tasty and filling. I then got the dogs ready and took them across the road for a run around, Foxy wasn’t overly impressed because she was getting cold. She did what she needed to do and she was done lol. We went back home and the whole time I was trying to decided whether or not to take Scrappy out for a longer walk on his own, but that meant walking further from home… which is something I have been really struggling to do.

We got in and I was going back and forth in my head and decided fuck it! I’m not doing this for me, I’m doing it because Scrappy loves going for long walks and being by the sea. So we went… I did nearly have a panic attack as we got further away from home but I managed to control it and carry on. Once we got down to the sea I felt so much better, I was still feeling a bit tense but I tried to focus on taking pictures and playing fetch with Scrappy. I was just trying to enjoy the moment and watching Scrappy run, play and swim always helps. He’s always so happy whatever he’s doing and that always makes me smile.

I had a great walk with my boy, all be it a chilly walk lol and I am SO proud of myself for pushing myself to get out and not turning back when the panic attack kicked it, but it did not win! We got back in and I made myself a nice cuppa to warm up and curled up on the sofa with a film.

I didn’t come on the laptop to blog initially… but here we are! I still have a few bits to sort out for my disability benefits, which is actually what I came on here to do. I need copies of all the information I need to send, but I still have this evening and tomorrow that I can sort that stuff out. It’s not too much of a rush to get done.

I’m actually feeling pretty good, that walk did me the world of good and also getting so much sorted regarding my disability benefits, I feel like I have some sort of control over the situation.

Life under lockdown has been far from easy but I am so proud that I’ve been able to mange and handle all the change and deal with everything its thrown at me and taken away from and I’ve still come out fighting and smiling. Although some days it does and has gotten the better of me but I mean that’s the nature of living with chronic depression that would happen in any situation. I don’t think my younger self would have been able to deal with this at all, I definitely think that a younger me would have given up, because younger me needed to be around other people to feel like a valid human. Me now at age 35 (very nearly 36) has finally realised that the only person that I need to be happy with is myself, I am the only one I will have a life long relationship with, so it better be a good one! I am valid, worthy and loved all by myself! I don’t need outside validation for that anymore, I know exactly who I am now and I am freaking awesome! I am happy on my own and I know whatever else is thrown at me, I am capable of dealing with on my own.

Here’s a few pictures from the first few days of this year

That’s all for now,

Peace out

Zak

Christmas and New Year 2020 Round up

Wow what can I say about this year… It certainly has been a wild ride, I’ve had to learn how to adapt quickly to new situations and be ok with the things that are completely out of my control and I’ve had to learn how to be ok completely on my own, which has been incredibly hard but interesting.

I’ll jump back to Christmas before continuing with the round up of the year. I thankfully was able to spend Christmas and Boxing Day with my friend, which was good fun. I got some great presents, I cooked a delicious roast dinner, we went for a walk, watched movies, ate and played games. I really had a good time, it was very much needed after such a crazy year.

Yesterday it was announced that we are now in Tier 4 which means sadly my friend can’t come over for New Years.. but thank god for technology! We’ll still be able to chat which won’t be the same but it’s the safest way.

Oh on the 19th Dec disability benefits decided to send me assessment forms! Absolute assholes! They’ve got to be back for 13th Jan, which just isn’t long enough. So I rang up for a time extension.. although its not much better and I booked myself in for a form filling service because I’m not doing it myself, its just too stressful. So all I really need to do now it gather evidence to send off with my assessments. I really don’t understand why they’re assessing me every 2 years, its not like I’m suddenly going to be healed! But whatever… they’ve extended my money until Oct 2021 so hopefully non of my payments will stop which will take a lot of stress out of the situation… But yeah URGH! they suck!

Speaking of my health, this year it has definitely got worse. I not only have Granulomatosis with Polyangiitis, but I have high blood pressure and borderline under active thyroid… and my fatigue has been so bad that my whole body sometimes feels like jelly and I feel so shaky and sick. My fatigue hasn’t been this bad in years and its just so awful, whatever I do I have to have a sit down and rest afterwards, which is really frustrating. I can’t even really explain how bad my fatigue is some days, but I really hate it so much.

Other then all of that I’m actually mentally feeling alright, I’m getting used to being on my own for very long periods of time, not being able to just go out and do anything. It doesn’t really bother me now, earlier on in the year the lockdown and all the change that came with it was extremely stressful because I wasn’t really sure what was happening, what I was/wasn’t allowed to do. But now I feel like I’m more settled, I’m used to not doing the things I would usually do and being home more. I mean in the winter I’m home more then I would be in the summer anyway, so its not so bad. Although there doesn’t really seem to be an end of this in sight just yet, but I’m sure at some point in the new year life can slowly start getting back to normal.

It’s not easy everyday though, some days I’m still finding thigs really difficult. Even simple things like making breakfast feels like a mammoth task, but I do what I always do and just push through. However I am trying to sit more and try and really concentrate on connecting with how I’m feeling because pushing through regardless is easy but doesn’t always acknowledge what you really need/want and can make how I’m feeling worse. So I do try and connect with myself to see how I’m feeling and what I need in that moment. Most of the time what I need is a nap lol! which is easy enough and its actually a good way to have a little break from everything.

I think overall this year has been a good one, despite the strange circumstances that we’ve all found ourselves in this year.

I like a lot of people have experienced loss this year, I lost a friend to Covid-19 and my stepdad also passed away this year, which I don’t think the grief for either has entirely hit me yet, but I think that’s been my brains way of protecting me in order to get through these times safely. I think the sadness and grief has come out when I’ve watched a movie that’s made me cry, which happens quite often as I’m a sensitive soul but that’s ok.

I’ve made huge progress through counselling which I am so proud of! I feel like I can tackle any friendship/relationship and relationship with myself in a much more healthy way and finally healing those deep routed trauma’s, which feels good.

I feel like I’ve changed so much in just 12 months, I am unapologetically myself and I am confident in who I am now and that feels good. For the first time ever I know myself, I listen to myself, I know what I want and need and I know what I won’t put up with and I don’t feel guilty for asking to be treated better. I don’t feel embarrassed to be seen or even to exist, I feel solid.

So 2021, I have no idea what this year will bring and I’m not going into the new year with any resolutions. But I am going to continue to heal and continue on this journey with myself.

That’s it really, see ya all in the New Year.

Stay safe

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 41 on T

Its so strange how things can change for the better in a second. I’m feeling so much better then I have done over the past few months. My financial situation is finally sorted and I got a back payment. Its such a weight off my shoulders, I feel like I can breathe again.

I’ve not spent all the money yet and what I have bought so far has been an investment of sorts. I’ve booked a short holiday in Devon with a friend, I’m super excited as I’ve not been on holiday for about 10 years. I booked to see Eminem in July! with my best friend, we are super excited for this. I got myself a Nintendo switch, a tattoo session and a new hoover. I intend on doing an online course and get my passport sorted. So I feel its not been a waste, I’ve actually got stuff to show for it this time around. So I’m quite proud of myself, as I’m not the best with money lol! I’ve also paid off the people I owed money too, so that felt good.

So I feel right now that my mental health is much better then it was, I’ve had a few anxiety attacks but there’s been a real reason behind them and not just anxiety for no reason. I feel back to myself again, I can enjoy life again rather then just trying to survive. I’m looking forward to the future rather then dreading it. I’m 100% committed to moving forward and bettering myself, I don’t want to be stuck in this place forever. I feel like apart from the transition and coming out as trans, nothing else has really moved forward in the last 5 years or so and I feel now is the time to do something more worthwhile. I’m not going to dive into anything, just small steps, small changes and things will start moving.

Transition stuff is going ok, I had my fasting blood test this morning to check my T levels and then I had my injection. I’ve got to have another fasting blood test next week and then hopefully I’ll get the results before I go away. I’m still not 100% that my levels are right as the last 3 weeks my emotions have been all over the place and I’ve found it really hard to hold myself together. Part of it has been high stress levels but I also think some of it is hormonal as well. Its a waiting game and I realise it takes time to get theses things right and I know it will be an ongoing thing.

Gender dysphoria has been ok-ish and its been manageable. Some days its easier to deal with but other days its so much harder. It makes me feel anxious, agitated which makes me detach and disassociate. I intend on trying to ground myself daily in order to help me deal with the gender dysphoria and disassociation. I’ve been writing in my journal again and that’s helped me express how I feel daily and its been helpful to look back on it and reflect on how I’ve dealt with things and how I’ve been feeling. I also intend on looking after myself and my needs again properly as I’ve let the self care side slip a bit, so I have made a promise to myself to put myself first.

That’s all for now 🙂

Week 41 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 38 on T

I don’t really have much to write today… I don’t really know what to write or even say.

Not feeling great today, am so stressed out with my whole benefits saga.. I hate having no money, I’m having to sell stuff just to get by and this week is no different.

This is all impacting on everything else, I’ve put on a stone in weight which makes me feel like shit! Which in turn is making the dysphoria worse because all the weights gone to my stomach and chest. I feel so fed up…. I have to keep pushing through but I’m so tired of forcing myself to get up every day and just fake it, its exhausting.

I’m over this is all… hopefully the money thing will be sorted soon-ish… but its not soon enough.

Oh I get my next testosterone shot tomorrow so that’s one thing to look forward too..

Week 38 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 36 on T

Today I finally got around to doing a voice comparison video! woohoo! I’ve been meaning to do it for a while, but my throat has been really sore today, I keep having to clear my throat and my voice sounds a lot different, to me anyway it does. I can’t believe how different my voice sounds! Its so crazy but really cool.

Apart from my voice I’ve not really had any other changes, just getting more hairy and horny lol!

I’ve been quite busy and I haven’t really had much of a chance to sit and just be, which is cool but I haven’t really been able to check in with myself as much, as at the moment I’m always planning on how I’m going to get by money wise fortnight to fortnight. I’ve not really been able to be in the moment as much.

I’m still in the middle of sorting all my benefits stuff out… I gotta email some stuff off tonight and hopefully it won’t take too long for the charity I’m using to put together my MR for PIP. I want it over with now, its so stressful.

I’ve been getting a bit of dysphoria, but its not been too bad. Its been manageable, although I’ve figured that sometimes when I feel dizzy its because I’m disassociating. It makes me feel really weird, like I’m not real, everything else isn’t real… and then I feel dizzy and wobbly. When it happens I just try and focus on something, which isn’t always easy but it does help a bit.

Self care helps with the dysphoria, things I like to do are –

Napping, eating, binge watching tv, playing with my dogs, walking, housework, being with close friends, meditation, singing, listening to music…the list goes on.

Other self care includes making sure I’ve eaten decent meals, paid bills, that I’ve got enough money, taking my meds, housework, laundry..etc boring self care stuff but essential.

 

Week 36 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

^ Finally got around to doing a voice comparison video.

Peace out

Zak

This f*cking suck!

I don’t even know where to start right now, once again my heads in a fucking spin! I feel so full of anger and frustration. I really fucking hate my life! Now I’m not one to say that very often, I try and feel grateful for my life. But some days its just fucking impossible to remain hopeful and grateful when there’s fuck all the be grateful for.

The catalyst to all this anger is Personal Independence Payment (Disability Benefits) They gave me 4 points in each component which isn’t enough to qualify for it. You have to get a minimum of 8 points.

I’m sick to death of being ill and I’m sick to fucking death of having to prove it to the cunts that just don’t give a fuck about anyone’s life! Its so fucking soul destroying and it points out every single failing of my life, which is every fucking aspect of it.

I left school with a few GCSE grades, non of them really mean anything now anyway. My highest grade was English…I can’t get anywhere without maths. I have no qualifications in anything, I have no skills, nothing. I feel like such a fucking failure. I have nothing to be proud of other then I’m still fucking alive! Which how I don’t fucking know cuz right now I’m struggling to see the fucking point at all. I’ve done nothing! and no employer is going to employ someone who’s been on the sick as long as I have and no one will want someone who they can’t rely on 100%. I can’t even fucking drive..

I feel like I have no fucking future, no life nothing. Nothing is moving forward, everything is standing still, life is just moving around me. Everyone else is moving forward, I’m still stuck in the same fucking place, all by myself.

Just the same old little fucking loser kid that I always fucking was. Absolutely pointless waste of fucking space.

I can’t keep doing this bullshit over and over. I’m so exhausted, my heart hurts so much. I’m just wading through mud, not moving forward, just sinking further in.

Its not just job wise, I’ve literally done nothing, been no where. Just been here, doing nothing, just barely existing.

I just want to disappear and stop existing so the pain would just stop.

Just a waste of space..

Peace

Zak

*Insert*Title*Here*

I don’t often write in between my weekly transition blogs, but I feel like I needed to write today, I got things I just need to get out and maybe it will help me make sense of everything.

It’s probably gonna come out a bit all over the place and scattered, but that’s how my brain is feeling at the moment. It probably won’t be strictly transition related but a bit of everything that happening in my life at the moment, so transition, physical health, mental health, family etc…

I can’t even remember the last time I just wrote a regular blog entry, must have been a while ago now.

I literally don’t know where to even start… Ok I’ll start with the good stuff going on, so I can get into the flow of things and unpick my brain as I go along.

My name change is all official now, which is really awesome and feels so good. I am now legally Mr Zak Dyllan Mills! Woohoo! I’ve already changed it at the bank and the doctors and I’ve written some letters too, they just need posting. It just feels really right and just the next part of my transition, I feel much more like me now. Which probably sounds weird as its just a name but for me a name is quite an important part of my identity and how the world views me and how I view myself. So yeah feeling pretty awesome about that.

Last Sunday my new little nephew Alex came into the world, weighing in at 9lbs 3! the lil fatty lol but he’s so damn cute. I already had cuddles on Tuesday with him, he was just so content just laying on my lap fast asleep, he’s so chill. Proud uncle to 3 nephews, which is insane! the eldest will be 9 this year, its just flown by so fast. I absolutely adore all of them.

Physical health hasn’t really been too great this year, I’ve had infection after infection. Over the new years I kept getting nose bleeds, I then had a sinus infection, then last month I had a ear infection and at the moment I’ve had a chest infection for about 3 weeks and I’ve had lots of really bad nose bleeds as well. So I’m not sure what’s really going on, but I went to Southampton hospital this week and he took some blood to see what was happening. As he didn’t want to up the cellcept and make me more immuo-suppressed just in case its just been back luck that I’ve been getting ill and not due to my Churg Strauss Syndrome playing up, but he can’t tell until he gets the results. I’m hoping I’ll hear about the results soon and I’mm also kind of hoping its just been a bad run of luck getting ill and nothing more serious then that. But when nose bleeds are involved I know its more likely to be my condition as nose bleeds were one of my first ever symptoms. I’ll just have to see what happens with all this… I am hoping its nothing serious, I’d rather not up any medication if I don’t have too.

My mental health has been a bit of a mixture recently, its been quite difficult to deal with and I know its made me a bit harder to be around as well. Its not really been the bipolar that I’ve been struggling to control, although fighting with the depression and bad thoughts some days seems like the easy part of it all. I’ve been really struggling with the gender dysphoria, it hits so hard and its overwhelming and intense beyond words. The slightest thing can kick it off and I feel like I have zero control over it, which in itself is kinda frustrating and a bit scary.

Its my chest that is causing all the distress, anxiety and stress. I want top surgery so bad. I’ve never liked my chest, its always made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. When the dysphoria hits, I feel so detached, I feel like a ghost, I just want to be as far away from myself and my body as I can get, so I just disassociate but then I find it hard to get back in my body again. It really effects my mood, it makes me feel so depressed and really agitated because I’m not comfortable in my skin, because it doesn’t feel like it belongs to me, its never really belonged to me. I know I have to do some work around acceptance of self etc, as I know surgery will not fix all the emotional stuff but it will ease it. But right now that seems like a big thing to work on by myself.

I’m already starting to stress about summer and the warmer weather, as I get hot easily so it wont be as easy to cover up while remaining comfortable. I’m already aware that its gonna cause me a huge deal of stress and anxiety and it may make me less likely to go out far, I’m already anticipating how I’m going to feel, be etc… So I don’t know how I’m going to handle that and get through it.

Not being able to bind my chest makes it all the worse, I think maybe if I could bind that would take a bit of anxiety and stress out of it, I’ve been still trying on the high impact sports bras as they were the most comfortable out of everything I tried but its still not comfortable enough, especially with my chest problems I experience anyway. Its just so fucking frustrating! and doesn’t seem to be getting any easier to deal with, but the longer I’m on T the worse its getting to deal with and most days I feel pretty agitated and anxious. Its not so bad if I’m just at home and not really going anywhere, but as soon as I’ve got to go out for any period of time, especially on my own then I feel so self conscious, agitated and anxious.

I feel like I’m stuck in a limbo, like life can’t move forward right now and I know I’ve stopped moving forward, I wouldn’t know where to go now anyway. I just feel stuck, waiting for life to start again but I can’t find the button. I know I shouldn’t be waiting for top surgery but that’s what it feels like, I feel like after that then my life can start going again, where too I don’t know. I know my life can be better then it is right now, but I don’t know where I’m going, what I want, what direction, what I should or shouldn’t be doing… I’m in a rut and I hate it. Desperately trying to find things that make me really happy and not much is making me as happy as before. I mean I’m not totally unhappy, but I know things can and should be better, I just lost the drive to find it, I feel lost.

Ok… so maybe I needed to write this a more then I really realised but feels good to get it all out, I can breathe now. Been feeling mostly ok today, as I’ve stayed close to home, I’ve only been out to take the dogs for a run. Have felt so so tired today, I’ve just been chilling and looking after myself. I also finished writing out my ESA forms, I just need to get my paperwork together and then Monday I can post it all off recorded delivery, so they can’t say they didn’t get it. But I’ll sort that out on Monday I think, gonna spend the rest of the weekend just relaxing and looking after myself.

That’s it for now, am getting hungry…bloody steroids lol! Gonna go cook myself some food, although I’d really love a take away but money is low.. so cooking it is lol!

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 23 on T

Woohoo! Today was injection day, that always makes me feel really good. Not that I wasn’t feeling good before but its just something I always really look forward too.

I update twice last week as my GP rang to say my T levels were low and I could inject every 3 weeks, rather then every 4 weeks.

He also wants me to get my injections done at the doctors surgery rather then me doing it and to be honest I’m happy with that. My surgery is literally across the road so its not far to get too and I’ve been struggling to open the testosterone bottles because I have hyper mobility, I just don’t have the power in my hands to crack them open safely. So I don’t mind someone else jabbing my in the butt.

Hopefully now I will see some significant changes, as its all been super slow and very minimal. Although some of my friends don’t agree with that, I don’t see the changes they do and I don’t feel it either. So I’ve been feeling really frustrated with the whole thing, hopefully this will sort it out but I’m still sceptical that its still going to be too low.

I’ve gotta have some more bloods in 9 weeks before my 3rd injection and then another blood test 7 days later. Then we’ll be able to see if my testosterone levels have improved or not.

Other then feeling frustrated with low T levels, everything else have been going alright. My PIP forms are currently being assessed, I so hope I don’t need to go for a face to face assessment, they’re so horrible and so degrading.

My mood has been a lot better then it was in December, I feel much calmer and more settled. Anxiety is still an issue but its not as intense as it was, its far more manageable now.

Week 23 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Well that’s it for now

Peace out

Dyllan

Transition update – Week 20 on T

5 months on testosterone today! WOOHOO! I did my 6th injection this morning, after the fasting blood tests and everything went well. I got my second bloods next Tuesday, to see how where my testosterone levels are.

Not really sure what else to say… um my facial hair is starting to get long and wild lol! which is pretty cool and I can still hear slight changes in my voice which again is really cool.

I got an appointment with my ears, nose and throat doc soon, I’ve had sinus issues for the past few weeks so I’m hoping he can sort something out. I’ve been getting nosebleeds and just so much snot its ridiculous.

Mood wise, I’ve been ok I suppose. Just been disconnected really, neither up or down. But I suppose that’s a good thing, because I’m not really depressed or anxious, I’m just nothing. I think its a coping mechanism to deal with all the overwhelming feelings and intrusive thoughts.

I’ve been trying really hard to look after myself, so everyday I’ve been meditating and doing something to look after myself. Like today I booked in with a charity to help me with filling in forms for PIP (personal independence payment) and I rang up to claim the forms. I’ve been dreading this for so long but I took the plunge and I’ve got the ball rolling. It actually feels good to have got everything started and I’m just hoping its not as traumatic as last time.

Self care is super hard, its so much easier to look after others. But its so essential , if you don’t take care of yourself, then you can’t take care of others.

 

IMG_6807

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

That’s all for this week

Peace out

Dyllan

Trying to keep it together

I decided to write today, mainly so I can get all this crap out my head and stop it from just going around in circles.

I finally managed to get onto my doctors notes… I can’t use any of it though! Its so inaccurate and just not detailed enough. I’m so angry because I was hoping I would be able to use it for my PIP evidence. But no yet another fucking obstacle has been put in my way. I’m so seriously over this bullshit already! I’m done.

In my notes it says I was diagnosed with granulomatosis with polyangiitis when in 2003, which is wrong, I was diagnosed in 2000 I only remember this really clearly because I was still in secondary school and I was ill a lot of the time and I struggled to keep up with the work. It also keeps saying I’m an ex smoker! which I’m not, I’ve never smoked. There’s just so much that is either wrong or just totally missing altogether. Its s fucked up!

And to top off yesterday I waited in all day for an Amazon delivery but I got an email to say delivery attempted! which was fucking bullshit because I was in waiting! I was so furious because I could have taken the dogs for a walk or whatever.

I was so angry and so stressed out and I just couldn’t see how I was going to get this shit sorted out. I was so close to cutting because I just felt so angry and like nothing was within my control and I felt out of control as well. I just felt so intense and just didn’t know what to do and cutting is my crutch, my go to thing to do for release. It has been for most of my life. I managed to control myself and I didn’t cut because I knew if I did I would have momentary release and then I’d beat myself up about giving in. I wish that cutting still wasn’t my instant reaction when I’m stressed out or feeling intense feelings. I have a much better control over it now but it still bugs me that its my brains default setting when things become unbearable.

I don’t know what more I can do other then control the urges, I can’t seem to change this default setting because its been like it since I was like 9-10 years old, so well over 20 years now. There’s a part of me that loves cutting so much because its a buzz and makes me feel great, hence why I’m covered in scars, but it also comes with a lot of shame a guilt and that doesn’t feel so good. Because you’re told its wrong, its not the right way to deal with your emotions etc.. but that guilt and shame isn’t always mine, its given to me from others.

Anger seems to be default mode right now, I seem to tap into it really quickly. Sometimes I can calm myself down quickly, sometimes its takes longer. It depends what’s pissed me off. Again its something I wish didn’t happen so easily, I can go from feeling ok, feeling calm, to just feeling enraged and such intense anger and frustration. Although its not like it every day, I think often it depends on how much I’ve already just dealt with, how I feel physically and what the trigger is that’s made me so angry.

Benefits make me instantly angry because claiming PIP last year was just so traumatic and so stressful and I was just pushed to the edge of sanity. So now my instant reaction is anger because I’m still not over how badly I was treated.

People shaming me for being ill and not being able to do what they want me to do on that specific day also makes me instantly angry. I will not be shamed for something I have no control over.

I’m sure there are other triggers, I don’t want to list them all. I don’t want to get rid of my anger because it often motivates me to do something to change the situation, like today I got up and I was straight onto the laptop writing and letter to the practice manager and my GP surgery to get them to sort out getting me a copy of my actual notes. I just wish it wasn’t my instant response to certain situations. I wish I was more level headed and calmer.

I feel a bit calmer and less crazy today, although as its now midday and Amazon still haven’t delivered my package I’m starting to feel more agitated because I do actually want to take the dogs for a walk today. I don’t want to sit in all day again.

Last night I remembered I was given a health journal ages ago now and I’ve never used it. So this morning I dug it out and started to fill it out for this morning, I think it will be really useful for myself and my doctors that are all involved in my care to be able to see how my day to day life really is. Often when I go to appointments and they ask me how I feel, I answer how I feel that day. I can’t remember how I’ve felt over the last 6 months and that’s another thing I’ve not really discussed is my poor memory. I swear its got worse over the years, I struggle to remember anything and nothing is in order either. Anyway I am going to make it a part of my routine to fill this in on a daily basis and build up a better idea of my over all health. It may also be helpful for PIP, I can copy the pages and print them off.

It’s going to be difficult writing down everyday what hurts and where, what doesn’t feel good etc. But I think its going to be a really important tool for myself and my doctors.

^ This is the health journal

That’s all for today, I think I’ve spilled my guts enough lol.

Peace out

Batman