lockdown life

I am writing this from my new desk and chair! no more sitting uncomfortably on the sofa while writing. Hopefully this will give me the incentive to sit and write more often, although my crippling anxiety and disassociation likes to keep me frozen in one spot but hey, well see how it goes.

I’ve wanted a desk and chair for a long time but to me its never really been a priority, always something I put off and figured at some point I would get them. But here we are, finally able to get my shit together and get stuff I want and need and that will benefit me in the long run.

Lockdown has been good for the fact I’ve been able to save up for certain stuff I’ve wanted/needed, as usually I’m not the best at managing money, I’m not great at forward planning with money either. But without the distractions of life and getting caught up in everything, I’ve been able to focus a bit better on my needs/wants all be it in a material way but its that’s not always a bad thing.

There’s a lot in the flat that I would like to update, like the whole place needs redecorating, I would like a bigger fridge/freezer as mine is quite small, especially the freezer. I need a new mattress as well, so that is the more pressing one as mine is over 10 years old now and isn’t as comfortable as it once was.

Whilst I have and am struggling with certain aspects of lockdown and what feels like total isolation from the rest of the world, I have been able to focus more on certain things, that I was always putting off or too distracted or just thought I couldn’t do on my own. Like build a desk! I am way more capable then I give myself credit for, but my default thought is always, I can’t, I don’t want to get it wrong. Mainly because I was always told as I child I can’t, I’m not good enough, I’m stupid. So I tend not to bother, but right now with no one around to help there’s just me, myself and I and turns out I can do shit on my own and I am good at it. Who knew?! lol

So after I sort out getting a new mattress, I may start saving for some decent tools, a step ladder and get this place looking fresh with a new lick of paint. I wander if they make pet proof paint… cuz my place looks so grubby from those guys and the fact me and scrappy play indoor fetch so there are ball marks on the walls too! lol..

Man it feels good to be sat comfortably, bose headphones on as music always helps me focus, I do my best thinking with music on. Wtf I didn’t do this all sooner I don’t know, I don’t know why I put up with things, like sitting uncomfortably on the sofa to blog for all these years rather then getting a desk and chair. I suppose its a lot to do with how I value myself or maybe I just like to punish myself. Probably a bit of both..

Don’t put shit off, if something will make your life easier, do it! Save that money, make it a priority and do it! You will be kicking yourself for not doing it sooner!

Peace out

Zak

This journey sucks right now!

I don’t really have a lot to say, other then my mood is pretty low at the moment, mainly due to gender dysphoria and because I threw up last night…not sure what the cause was :/

I’m just tired, emotionally drained. Like I need a rest but how do you rest your emotions. I mean I try and take care of my emotional needs but it’s difficult because emotions are not really something that you can get rid of, it’s not like being tired and needing to sleep. Even using my DBT skills can be emotionally draining, disassociating from my body every day is emotionally draining. But if I don’t do either I will be worse…it’s such a catch 22 situation, whatever I do I’ll be worse off. So where do I go from here? I just don’t know but I know I have to carry on because I have no choice. Death will never be an option until I am old because if I die now I die a female and that’s not what I want, I want to die as a man.

Got lots to distract me this weekend, so at least I’ll be safe… for now. That’s not to say I won’t be safe after but I don’t know where my emotions will take me right now.

I keep thinking I have made my life harder with this transition. But I have to remind myself that my mental health has been much better since coming out as transgender but again it’s swings and roundabouts. Short term I have to deal with the gender dysphoria and all the shit that brings but I know in the long term I will be a happier person.

It’s just frustrating when I am stuck in this limbo waiting to be seen at the gender clinic. Meh… :/

This is probably the most depressing post I’ve written in a while. People think that I have it altogether and I cope, I am very good at acting, I’ve learnt that over the years. I have to cope and have myself together because I have nothing to fall back on. If I fall I have to pick myself back up and that’s difficult. I know I have some lovely friends around me to help. But it isn’t their job to look after me and I will only become a burden, so I have to do it myself. I know my counsellor would disagree with this, but I do and will accept help from friends but I am very protective of my heart and don’t let people close easily, because I’ve been hurt millions of times before and I don’t want to be hurt again. My heart is still in pain from losing my dad and I don’t think that will ever go away. I have to look after myself, sometimes its a good thing, sometimes not but I don’t want to risk it.

Peace out

Batman

I give up. Chronic illness sucks..

Don’t even know where to start tonight. Been sat crying tonight, it was either that or punch walls but I don’t want another broken finger.

I didn’t post yesterday because well I don’t think I had time. Only remember bits of what happened because right now I am tired and emotional and just beyond fed up.

Just looking through facebook for hints of what happened.. I know I didn’t get a late night on Sun. I did however spend most of Monday clucking because I had run out of tramadol again. Couldn’t get them till much later in the day.

I had little Leo Mon morning until lunch time. He was quite easy, we had cuddles, he had a little sleep. We took pups across the road and he was watching them. Sat on the sofa playing with his toys, fed him and he fell asleep again, until mummy picked him up. It was lovely to have him. Although I felt a bit crappy, it was a good distraction.

Think I had a nap…maybe I didn’t but most likely did. Just relaxed, played with pups and whatever. Had a early dinner, took pups out for a wee and got them settled in the hallway with their treats, toys and blankets. Got myself together and headed out to get my tramadol.

After picking up my tramadol I headed back into town to get the bus to breakfree my trans group. Group was really good, although my mania had kicked right in so I was on form. But it was good, shared my news and got some of my questions answered so that was really cool.

Did night time stuff…do up med box, took pups out etc. Was in bed by just before midnight but didn’t sleep until gone 1:30 am. I was too busy chatting to friends online but I did finally crash out.

So back to today…meh. I was up early about 8:30 am I think I had a sleep, but I can’t remember. I remember sorting out a shit load of things all at once. I ordered some dog food, I ordered my food shopping, I downloaded some music for my phone and I took a big step and I sorted out my new deed poll to change my title from Miss to Mr, so I am very excited about that and I cannot wait for it all to be sorted.

Fuck started to run out of time, so dashed to have a shower, took pups out for a quick wee and walk. Settled them in the hallway with all their bits. Got my stuff together and headed out.

Took just over an hour to get to my appointment. When I left my appointment I just wanted to cry. It was fucking shit. This is why….

1st the bloods that show how active the gpa is. Is negative. My inflammation levels are still high, but lower then they were.
Explained how ill I’ve been so far this winter. He just said well you are just prone to sinus and chest problems. So he may as well have said tough shit get on with it
Talked about my pain and my tramadol use. Didn’t say I’m physically addicted, I’m not stupid. He in December told me to take them moreregularly to keep on top of the pain. Today he said I need to limit my use of them. I’m yeah ok…. I’m still in pain even though I take then regularly
He’s slowly upping the metoject to max dose. After already telling him that the injection can wipe me out for days. So upping it will make the fatigue much more worse!
So no action answers and just the attitude of just get on with it oh and limit the pain meds, so I’ll be in agony and really ill. So tough shit! He just isn’t doing enough and seems not to even care about the pain I am in or my quality of life, which right now is very poor.

Took me two hours to get home. I got in just before 7 pm, I had left at 2:15 pm! I fucking hate that trip let at the best of times let alone to be fucking let so angry.

At least the pups were happy to see me. I sorted myself out and took the pups across the road for 20 mins. I feel bad when I have to leave them for so long.

Pretty much been sat on the laptop since just before 8 pm. It is now 10 pm and I shall be going to bed very soon.

I feel beaten down, not listened too, not cared about, just everything negative. I just totally give in.

Tomorrow the plan is to clean up in the morning and then spend the day with my friend who is off due to a really bad back bless her, so the pups and I are off over to hang out 🙂

Meh I can’t write anymore. Feeling so low.

Peace out

Batman