LIFE IN LOCKDOWN..CONT

This feels like a never ending saga… Although things are starting to slowly get back to normal-ish. More places are starting to open and you’re allowed to travel a bit more and the level has been lowered to 3.. which I’m unsure of the exact do’s and don’ts but for me I am meant to be isolating now till the end of this month, although that could change. It’s just a case of waiting to see what happens next, I do think a second wave is inevitable as that’s just how a virus works.

For me I don’t feel quite comfortable going to any shops in town just yet, although I will have to go to primark at some point at I have one pair of shorts and the ones I’ve seen in Asda either don’t feel right or just aren’t my style. I’m also feeling quite anxious about using public transport, luckily at the moment I don’t have to go anywhere, despite bursting to take the dogs out for the day somewhere, I think for me right now the risks still outweighs the wants. Plus I need a mask which I don’t have and don’t feel comfortable wearing due to not being able to breathe properly. I think I’d feel to claustrophobic wearing a mask, especially on the bus. So for now, I’m staying local..which is boring AF but I got to keep safe.

I wish I could say I was coping better with this lockdown life, but sadly I can’t. I’m still really struggling, my depression is pretty bad, anxiety is bad and the disassociation is really crippling.

I decided that today I was going to try my best to actually participate and engage in life, rather then the disassociation take over and its been extremely exhausting trying to stay present and in the moment. But I’ve been able to get things done that have just been impossible to do in the last few weeks.

Most days I am so disconnected, disassociated and switched off that all I can do is sleep, eat snacks as cooking has just been too difficult and walk the dogs. I haven’t even been able to really watch anything either, I’ve just been watching things I don’t have to concentrate on, things I’ve seen a million times as its kind of comforting and eases my anxiety. There’s a few new seasons of shows I love on netflix that I’m bursting to watch, but for some reason I can’t start them. I feel too anxious, I know it makes no sense. I’m not really enjoying doing anything either, I just feel so numb, I can’t remember the last time I actually felt something other then feeling so numb and just nothing. I feel like most days I’m just going through the motions, just to get through another day of monotony.

I struggle to even start a task, it takes forever to do the basics, as I’m so trapped my anxiety and fighting to stay in the moment that I spend a lot of time sitting down trying to motivate myself enough to unfreeze and move. Its such a battle every day just to do the simplest of things and its so exhausting. I’m meant to be taking my blood pressure every day, but I’ve been unable to do that, as I just don’t remember and for some reason it feels like an overwhelming task, even though its so simple.

I’m just trapped inside my head all by myself all the time and my head is such a dark place to be but I’m stuck there. I need outside stimulation and interaction, I need outside help. But it’s just not there right now.

I’m so withdrawn from life, that I just don’t reach out anymore, I just can’t bring myself to it. I’ve kinda resided to the fact that this is life now, just on my own, loneliness forever. I’m not ok with that but I’m too tired to keep trying to insert myself into people’s lives.

Even when I’m out with the dogs and people talk to me, I keep stumbling over my words, I feel super awkward and incredibly anxious. I love being out with the dogs but I hate being seen, I just want to walk and chill on my own, which just isn’t me at all. I usually love talking to random strangers but now it just makes me feel so vulnerable and awkward I really don’t enjoy it and I wish I didn’t feel this way as I am quite a social person usually. But my anxiety is so strong and the constant negative thoughts is making everything impossible.

I’m kind of dreading everything getting back to normal, I can see myself keeping myself very withdrawn and isolated, it feels a bit scary getting back to normal. I don’t know how I’m going to get myself back out there into society, just thinking about it freaks me out. I’m not agoraphobic but the thought have having to go a bit further a field, like say to a hospital app is terrifying. Not just getting public transport but also interacting with others and also being able to organise myself enough to get myself somewhere on time. This lockdown has had a huge negative impact on my mental health and its not something that I’ll be able to easily fix.

I’ve had very little sleep today, under 4 hours I think. I got up early and did the house work and made some breakfast and I was out just before 10 am, I took the dogs for a walk and sat down where we scattered dad’s ashes which was nice and peaceful. Spoke to him and wished him a Happy Fathers Day, something I do every year. After our walk I had some lunch and watched and film, then jumped onto the laptop while my brain was still engaged in real life and I’ve been sat here for about 4 hours now. I feel a bit better for blogging and getting stuff out, I’m bloody exhausted now. I’m going to try and get an earlier night.

A couple of weeks ago I decided for my own mental health and sanity to cut ties with my ex completely, which meant deleting messages, blocking on FB and burning the break up letter they gave, which wasn’t as satisfying as I thought it would be. I couldn’t keep tormenting myself and I felt like I was still holding on, waiting, hoping that maybe I’d be wanted again. I didn’t really want to remain friends in the first place, it’s what they wanted and rather then be strong and stand up for myself I just went along with it. But I can’t heal from the situation whilst stuck in it and still wishing and hoping we’d get back together. I kept thinking I was over it but its still just as painful as when we broke up. I hate feeling so deeply, cuz sure as hell they don’t miss me or were even hurt by the break up, even if they did they didn’t show it. But why would they be hurt, I mean its only me right. Not speaking to them is so painful but being friends was painful, I can’t win.

Man, writing all this shit out makes me feel so broken.. no wonder I’m alone! lol who the fuck wants to take me and all my baggage on?! I don’t even want me.. Maybe this will always be the way, maybe one day I’ll find the light in all this darkness.

Peace out

Zak

Sunday Afternoon walk

Yesterday I spent most of the morning relaxing and resting which was very much needed.

I finally got myself up and together, did the house and some laundry and as the sun was shining I decided to take the dogs on a walk to Upon Country Park and back.

It was so nice to be out in the sun even though it was a bit chilly, I love walking really helps me get out of my head and be in the moment. There wasn’t many people around, so I could still practice my social distancing.

The dogs definitely needed a good long walk and run around, they were both shattered when we got back. I had to give Scrappy a shower when we got back, as he’d been in the stinky water and stinky mud! He smelt gross lol!

I got some great pictures while we were out, which always makes me feel good.

Hopefully I can continue to safely take the dogs out on a walk, in these uncertain times we all need a sense of routine.

Peace out

Zak

Braving the weather

This weekend most of the UK was hit by storm Dennis… we had a storm last Saturday as well. I’m getting fed up with such shitty weather. I’m so looking forward to the spring/summer. I much prefer being outside then stuck in all day.

I live close to the sea and yesterday it was so grim, the wind was just howling and the rain was non stop. I did manage to get out for 20 mins in the morning to take the dogs for a quick walk/wee but the rest of the day was an absolute wash out.

I made use of my time, makes some cakes, marmite and cheese swirls. I had to entertain the fur babies, with playing indoor stuff like bubbles, laser pen and fetch. Played on the PS4, watched some stuff on Netflix. So not too bad.

But today the wind and the rain had calmed down a bit so I decided to take the dogs out for a walk.

I’m so glad I did as it made me feel a whole lot better. It was cold, really windy and it did rain, so we all got soaked. But it was much needed exercise, especially for me and scrappy lol!

I thought I would share some pictures of our adventures by the sea

I always struggle to get out in the first place, but once I’m out I feel so much better. Especially with such gloomy, cold weather. It’s just been relentless this winter.

Anyway I hope everyone stayed safe this weekend.

Peace out

Zak

Pushing through the dark

I woke up today just not wanting to participate in life at all, just wanted to hide. But I couldn’t relax, I couldn’t settle on doing any one thing and Scrappy kept looking at me with his big puppy dog eyes.

With much effort and a lot of complaining and swearing lol, I got myself up and ready. Every step to get ready felt so difficult and almost impossible to do, but I stuck with it and finally was showered and dressed.

I got ready to take the dogs out, I was undecided as to where I was going to take them. But as soon as we stepped outside it started raining, only a little shower at first, so I kept walking and then it rained heavily for about 5 minutes. We’d just gone to the green across the road, as they needed to go pee anyway. The rain stopped and the sun came out, it was pretty windy, so it was moving the clouds out the way.

As we were already soaked, I decided to go to Baiter for a walk, Foxy wasn’t overly happy with being soaked but we all soon dried off in the sunshine.

There weren’t many people down there, which was perfect. It was good to be outside, despite the struggle it took to force myself out, I’m always happy to be out.

I took some nice pictures, the dogs had a blast which makes me so happy, watching them playing and having so much fun.

I feel like I can breathe when I’m outside in nature, I feel free. I’m glad we got out in between the rain and storms, we’ve got more headed our way this weekend.

Here are all the pictures I took this afternoon

I’m feeling a bit more relaxed now, then I was this morning. It’s amazing what a bit of fresh air can do to help lift your mood a bit.

That’s all for now, I hope you enjoy this blog and my pictures.

Peace out

Zak

Earth is waking up

We are heading towards spring and I couldn’t be happier, I’ve really struggled this winter with the darkness and near constant rain that we’ve had this winter.

The nights are slowly starting to get lighter again a bit later each day, the weather seems to be settling down too, although we have a storm heading our way this weekend.

I feel like I’m very slowly emerging out of my cocoon, just like the flowers which are slowly starting to bloom.

Still having days where things feel so intense and I just can’t face the outside world but I’m still pushing myself to get out at least a few times a week. I can’t hibernate forever lol!

Tuesday was a beautiful day and after a few days of feeling groggy and struggling with my chronic pain and fatigue, I woke up on Tuesday feeling a bit more human and the sun was shining, so I decided to take the dogs out for a walk and I’m glad I did.

It was so beautiful, lots of snowdrops and other gorgeous flowers blooming away and it was fairly quiet as well, we didn’t see many people out, until we got closer to the beach.

It was so peaceful and relaxing, it was definitely needed. The dogs had fun running around and I got some great pictures of everything. I love looking at life through the lens, finding beauty in everything I see.

I hope you enjoy my pictures,

I love being outside with my dogs, I feel so at peace. It seems to be the only place where my mind is fairly quiet. I feel like I can breathe when I’m out in nature, I feel at home.

Peace out

Zak

Saturday Afternoon Walk

The sunshine has finally arrived! and Saturday afternoon it was beautiful. The sun was shining and it was a bit chilly but it was a perfect day for a dog walk.

I was feeling pretty indecisive and a bit agitated, I wanted to do something but wasn’t sure what.

I finally managed to make a decision and force myself to go out. I grabbed my bag and Scrappy and we went for a walk.

We were out for a few hours and I got some great pictures, Scrappy had himself a great time. He swam in the sea, ran through the mud, played with other dogs and kids, found a ball… like he always does lol! He looked like a swamp dog when we got home and had a shower.

I felt good for getting out, I always do. It’s just getting out that sometimes I really struggle with, but always love being out.

I love photography and only use my iPhone, here are some shots I took. I hope you like them.

Peace out

Zak

Winter sunshine

Friday afternoon I took the dogs out for a walk, as the sun was shining and I was feeling ok, despite having a cold. We all needed to get some fresh air, I was just going to go for a short walk but we ended up being out for about 2 hours.

I love being outside, it was so nice just walking with the sun on my face and the dogs had a blast playing with other dogs, a little girl was playing football with Scrappy which he loved, fox said hello to every human possible lol.

Walking is so great for my mental health and overall well-being, it’s always such a great pick me up and it’s free! Which is even better. I’ve started taking Scrappy for an evening walk, just me and him as we could both stand to loose a little bit of weight and it’s just good to get out a beat the January blues.

I love photography, I love taking pictures of my dogs and the sunshine, I’m by no means a professional but it makes me happy 🙂

Here are some of my pictures from our walk on Friday, I hope you enjoy them

Peace out

Zak

Christmas 2019

Hey all! I’ve been a bit quiet on here lately. I’ve just been relaxing, sitting back and taking stock of my life, which has been really great. I don’t quite think I’m fully ready to come out of my little cocoon just yet, but I love writing and it really helps me, so I’ve decided to stop procrastinating, get over myself and write! Lol!

I thought I’d start with a short post about how my Christmas was and share some pictures.

I spent Christmas with a friend, which was cool. Just had a relaxing day, went for a walk as the weather was lovely, opened presents, had dinner, played a board game, the usual Christmas Day stuff.

The walk was lovely, the sun was shining, loads of people out for an afternoon walk, the dogs had lots of fun too. It’s rained so much lately that it was so nice to have a break from the grey, dreary weather.

Here are some pictures of my fur babies and our walk

Peace out

Zak

Sunday Funday

Had a good trip out today with a friend and my dog Scrappy, was nice to get out and explore. I got some good shots too 🙂

We went to Corfe Castle and Swanage

Here are some of the pictures I took, hope you enjoy them 🙂

Peace out

Zak

Pink sunset

Photography is one of the things that make me really happy.

Last night I took my dogs for a little walk and we sat by the water watching the gorgeous pink sunset.

Here are the pictures I took, I’m by no means a professional photographer, it’s just a passion of mine.

I love sitting by the water with my dogs, it’s so peaceful and somehow everything just makes sense.

Peace out

Zak