A day in the life of a trans guy

Well I haven’t been writing for a long while, although the notes on my phone are crazy long lol. I just haven’t had the motivation or concentration to sit down and write, so I have lots to catch up on. That’s if I can make sense of some of the things I’ve noted down.

Yesterday marked 10 months since having had top surgery, it has gone crazy fast. I can barely keep up with myself. My scars are looking great and I’m just so happy with the results, areas of my chest still feel a bit numb but its slowly regaining sensation. I still have the occasional nipple twinge where I’m assuming the nerve endings are still growing, that is a super weird feeling.

I still feel quite self conscious when I’m out and about, I still feel like I need a hoody so I can hide my chest. I still feel like people are staring at me, that I don’t ‘pass’ well enough etc and I know that’s just my insecurities and gender dysphoria. I also think its down to the ridiculously high standard that is set for trans men to look a certain way and I certainly do not meet the criteria. The expectation is that all trans men are super buff, work out, have muscles and are super handsome. I am non of those things, I’m short with a chubby body and I don’t work out or have muscles. I am currently in the process of loosing a bit of weight to help with my self esteem, body image and my general physical wellbeing, but I will never be a gym bunny.

I will never look like a lot of trans activists out there, who all work hard and look amazing. But there’s not a lot of representation out there for different body types within the trans masc community and I am no where near brave enough to show my chubby body in all its chubby glory on social media, as I am not strong enough to handle any negative criticism, even though I know it may help others feel seen, right now its not something I can do. But hey maybe one day.

I also think the expectation that once you have surgery that the dysphoria will disappear, I think I was under the illusion that it wouldn’t be an issue anymore. I’ve spent so long not feeling comfortable in my skin, that its going to take a whole lot of self love to even being to love this body of mine. I am so grateful for my body, it keeps me alive but I still don’t love my body enough and I don’t even really know what that looks like, as I’ve spent so long neglecting my mind and body that true self love and acceptance is not something I’ve experienced before and not sure how it looks or how it feels. I feel like I’m only just starting to scratch the surface of this self love stuff, I’ve got so much I need to heal first but I’m still trying.

The 12 weekly testosterone shots are going well, I’m 2 years and 10 months on T now which again has gone crazy fast. Only feels like yesterday that I would have done anything to be on testosterone and now here I am nearly 3 years down the line. There where times where I thought I can’t wait, its taking too long, once I knew who I was finally, waiting for everything was absolute agony it was almost like a physical pain, it was unbearable. I am so glad I held on, things get better eventually.

I much prefer the 12 weekly shot to the 3 weekly as my hormones are more settled and I feel less chaotic, then on the 3 weekly shots. My next one is due on a couple of weeks and I’ve got to get my levels checked to see how my body is reacting to the longer lasting testosterone. My sex drive has only just settled down since my last injection lol, it sucks being single and stuck in lockdown by myself. The first few weeks after my shot I’m super hungry and just want to eat everything and I’m horny as hell too, which is so weird. Before testosterone I had very little sex drive, mainly due to being on the medications I’m on, but now its a different story lol! But unlike the crazy appetite which settles down, the high sex drive seems to last a good 9-10 weeks! But self pleasure is a good pain relief, which I can say is true as I’ve barely had to take any of my usual pain meds recently so its not just an old wives tale.

I recently joined a dating website, which feels so embarrassing to even say… that I just want the ground to swallow me up right now lol! Its called OkCupid, which is a LGBT friendly dating site and that was the main reason for joining that specific one. I decided to join as I’ve on dated one person in the last 7 years and that relationship was exactly long, it lasted all of 6 months and it was my first relationship out as a trans guy.

There’s a few downsides to the website, one being that I am shit and describing myself and bigging myself up or even making myself sound in the slightest bit interesting…so I’ve not had any likes yet lol and I’m too scared to message anyone first as I feel awkward as fuck and I’m so shit and inserting myself into other people’s orbit, as I feel like I’m being instantly annoying.. Shit if I could be invisible but still be seen that would be the best lol. So yeah I don’t think my profile is really anything special, it doesn’t really stand out from anyone else’s.

The second downside is that I keep being matched with lesbians… like WTF! Lesbians want to be with lesbians, they do not want to be with trans men, I mean that would make them bi/straight. So that’s pretty annoying, trying to sift through all these hot lesbians and I feel bad for swiping no, although I don’t think it tells you who rejects you which is good.

So yeah I’m trying to get myself out there but its so fucking hard when all I want to do is disappear because I don’t feel worthy enough to be taking up space on this earth. I’m desperate to be seen and heard but I also want to disappear which is such a confusing paradox. But a lot of it is I have no self worth, self love etc and like I said I wouldn’t even know what that feels like, looks like. I’m so used to feeling like this for most of my life, its hard to imagine ever feeling any different. Maybe one day. I’ve got a lot of trauma to work through.

I know I am a bit late but HAPPY PRIDE MONTH! Always live your truth, no matter how hard your light will eventually shine and you can be a beacon of hope for others out there.

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 19 on T

This is my first post of 2018, I survived another year. 2017 wasn’t all bad I mean after all I started testosterone but it has definitely been another challenging year and I know there is more to come. That’s life I suppose but when you have challenges coming at you from all angles 24/7 it gets difficult to deal with. I have totally got this and I am going to put things in place to look after myself.

Nearly 5 months on testosterone! woohoo. Next week I go my 6th injection and my fasting bloods are finally all sorted for this month. So I’ll know how often I need to inject, whether that be every 3 weeks or every 6 weeks, it depends on how high or low my testosterone levels are.

My chest is starting to cause me huge dysphoria, its got worse now I’m on testosterone because I’m starting to look a bit more male then before. I can’t bind my chest either which is stressful and I’m not confident enough to not wear a bra.. something I cannot WAIT to stop wearing. Its super frustrating and I’m already dreading the summer because I’m going to look even more male and wearing vest tops because its hot…my bra will be visible and yeah urgh! can’t it just be spring all summer, cool enough for a t-shirt and shorts but nice and sunny. I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with it… But I suppose I’ll deal with it as it comes…

I feel a huge disconnect but that’s not a bad thing I suppose, it means I’m not really anxious or depressed. I’m not connected with my inner self, it kind of makes things easier to deal with but I don’t really feel anything, just empty, flat, nothing. I suppose its a mechanism to protect myself from myself.

Starting my 2018 back at the community mental health team…urgh! I have an appointment tomorrow morning, flipping 10 am! why so early! My alarm is set for 7 am, I hate rushing around in the morning, plus I have to take the dogs out before I can go anywhere. I’m gonna write some notes to take with me, so I don’t forget anything and I still have print outs of some blogs so I may take them too.

Last week I bought a book called The Self Care Project written by the lady who founded Blurt Foundation and I read it within 5 hours and I had an amazing conversation with Jayne Hardy. Blurt Foundation shared the PDF files for the worksheets that are in the book and yesterday I printed them out and today I bought a new folder and put all the print outs in it. I also ordered some school workbooks to use a my journal, I’m going to try and write every day just to get everything out of my head.

My main goal this year is to find out who I am, since starting testosterone I haven’t really checked in with who I am as a person, if my likes or dislikes have changed or stayed the same. I’m going to work through the self care project book, I aim to make a scrapbook, I aim to write in my journal daily.

So that’s me in 2018.. Hope you all have a great one.

Week 19 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This is my self care project and journal

 

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Dyllan