Where do I belong – communities

Where do I belong? Is something I’ve been thinking about for a while and whilst I belong to a few different communities, I don’t really engage with them as much as I would like too, if I did maybe I wouldn’t feel so lonely. But its complicated, I’ve actively stayed away from these communities because I didn’t want to be defined by these certain things. I’m realising that these things will always be apart of me and its ok to engage with these communities and they could be a source of friendships and support. I’ve kinda cut off my nose to spite my face, but I’ve been surrounded by such toxic people who’ve said over and over that you can’t let these things define you because you are more then that.

Now years down the line, those people who said those things are no longer around, but I still have that fear and anxiety around engaging in certain communities because I don’t want them to be all that defines me and my life. Right now I due to lockdown, I don’t really have anything outside of myself right now because I’m high risk, so I’m not really allowed to do much and I’m struggling to do anything at home on my own, as its so boring.

So what are these communities I belong too, well first one is people with chronic illness. I was first diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder when I was about 15 and I spent a few years fighting against, as I wasn’t given any support. I’ve always tried to fight against it and act like it doesn’t exist, but that never ends well. I think I have a better acceptance of it now but it still kicks my ass, especially when I’m not feeling well. I know from experience there’s a huge online community, full of amazing people but I just don’t engage with it, mainly as I’ve said before I don’t want my illness to define me. I don’t want my life to be boiled down to just a person with a illness.

I also have mental health issues, mainly depression and anxiety but also struggle with disassociation and now this community I’ve ran from because I didn’t want my mental health made worse by others, I didn’t want to become a professional patient, which is such a toxic term and insinuates that someone is attention seeking and not really mentally unwell. I’ve also felt that because I’m not in and out of hospital and I don’t outwardly express how I feel that I’m not unwell enough to be in the community. I mean its a whole mess of not nice feelings surrounding the mental health community, so right now I’m not sure its one I can really engage with because I think it would make me feel worse.

And the last community is the LGBT community, I am the T in LGBT and it is really a huge community with amazing people, but when I came out as trans I didn’t want to solely engage with the T community, I’m not really sure where that came from, maybe because its how I feel about most communities. I don’t want to feel pigeon holed, I didn’t want my transition to be the only exciting thing about me. But again I think I’ve missed out on making friends and doing things.

I see ‘proud to be trans’ a lot and I think for me that’s now lost all sort of meaning, I’m not really proud to be alive let alone be trans. I just feel too old for all these communities, I feel like I’m not sick enough, not unstable enough, not trans enough, just not enough to be apart of these communities. I just feel like I don’t really belong anywhere, I don’t really know myself but that maybe because I’ve walked away these communities, but these parts of me make up who I am.

I’ve disengaged with life in general at the moment, everyday feels the same. I feel like I’m living in a simulation or something, nothing feels quite real and it seems to be never ending and its so god damn lonely!

I know I need to make an effort and engage more but it feels so hard, I just feel like I’m being annoying all the time and that holds me back from doing anything. I’m so stuck inside myself, I want to reach out but it feels impossible, feels like I’m physically being held in place, frozen. Totally engulfed by the darkness, overwhelmed by the anxiety. I feel like I’m drowning, trying my best to float but I’m getting tired.

I know there’s a wonderful world of different communities that I belong to and can engage with but I’ve been so disconnected from humans, I don’t even know how to interact anymore. I wouldn’t know where to start and feels a bit scary putting myself back out there and trying once again to make friends.

I don’t want to just find people who are only temporary, who forget me if I don’t always message first. That’s apart of why I’m anxious about making new friends. Because I don’t want to make an effort just to be forgotten again, cuz that shit is emotionally exhausting and makes me feel so worthless.

I want so much to have a better life for myself, I don’t want to feel this way forever. But I don’t know how to move on, I don’t know if things will ever get better, right now I can’t see that it will.

Peace out

Zak

Pushing through the dark

I woke up today just not wanting to participate in life at all, just wanted to hide. But I couldn’t relax, I couldn’t settle on doing any one thing and Scrappy kept looking at me with his big puppy dog eyes.

With much effort and a lot of complaining and swearing lol, I got myself up and ready. Every step to get ready felt so difficult and almost impossible to do, but I stuck with it and finally was showered and dressed.

I got ready to take the dogs out, I was undecided as to where I was going to take them. But as soon as we stepped outside it started raining, only a little shower at first, so I kept walking and then it rained heavily for about 5 minutes. We’d just gone to the green across the road, as they needed to go pee anyway. The rain stopped and the sun came out, it was pretty windy, so it was moving the clouds out the way.

As we were already soaked, I decided to go to Baiter for a walk, Foxy wasn’t overly happy with being soaked but we all soon dried off in the sunshine.

There weren’t many people down there, which was perfect. It was good to be outside, despite the struggle it took to force myself out, I’m always happy to be out.

I took some nice pictures, the dogs had a blast which makes me so happy, watching them playing and having so much fun.

I feel like I can breathe when I’m outside in nature, I feel free. I’m glad we got out in between the rain and storms, we’ve got more headed our way this weekend.

Here are all the pictures I took this afternoon

I’m feeling a bit more relaxed now, then I was this morning. It’s amazing what a bit of fresh air can do to help lift your mood a bit.

That’s all for now, I hope you enjoy this blog and my pictures.

Peace out

Zak

The fatigue monster will not beat me!

Hmm so my brain keeps stopping today because I’m so tired and I’ve been tired since I woke up… the joys of chronic fatigue. But I shall try to string some sentences together in hope they make some sort of sense lol.

I slept ok last night up until 5 am, when I woke up feeling really hot. I got up to pee and cool down a bit, got back into bed and put my white noise app on because I felt really unsettled for some reason and my alarm wasn’t going off until 10 am.

I did get back to sleep until 10 am but I still felt unsettled but I have vague memories of weird dreams… all I remember is being stuck in a room with dismembered bodies..but I don’t know what the context was lol.

Did my usual morning things to get ready to leave the flat. Everything felt like it took forever and it was such a fucking massive effort, putting on 1 sock felt impossible… but I managed to get showered, dressed, took the pups out for a quick wee and got myself off to my 1:1.

My 1:1 was a good session, although I felt like my brain was jumping about a bit because I was just so exhausted and I had little concentration. But it was a good session 🙂

On my way home I got myself a jam donut and croissant, I needed a little snack before dinner and I’d not eaten lunch, only breakfast. I snuggled up on the sofa with my pups and just chilled right out. I did intend to have a lil nap but I sat doing some colouring in for ages, until my hand was sore. It was really relaxing and I enjoy it so much and probably much better then having a nap as I really want to sleep well tonight, I hope last night was just an off night.

I had some dinner, I didn’t eat it all but I did manage to eat most of it. I am putting real effort into not stressing about how much I eat, as long as I eat something then that is totally better then nothing. But whatever I ate something 🙂

Even though my lil fatigue monster was wanting me to just stay sat on the sofa, I fought against him and took the pups out for a walk, we were out for just over an hour. The pups needed it and I needed it, despite the fatigue. A gentle walk always helps me centre myself and just feel a bit better, despite being in pain and being exhausted. I suppose that’s the happy hormones that makes me feel that way 🙂 but whatever it is I’m glad I went.

This evening I’ve just been relaxing, I did do a bit more colouring in of Mr Froggy 🙂

I have a plan of what I want to accomplish tomorrow but I feel it maybe a little over ambitious. Although that maybe because I am feeling exhausted right now. My plan is to do the housework in the morning, have lunch and take the pups up to the heath for a walk and cook myself a nice dinner in the evening, oh and hopefully do some colouring too lol. I really hope I am able to do this because I’ve not taken the pups to the heath for ages and I love being up there 🙂

Fingers crossed I feel up to doing it all ❤

I’m feeling ok this evening mood wise, just wish someone else could carry my load for a little while, so I can have a break.

After that bit of self indulgent crap lol, I shall end this ramble.

Peace out

Batman

Honeymoon period is over, I need to get on it

Ok so I haven’t really been present on here for a while for a number of reasons and the main reason is that I haven’t really been present in real life. I’ve just been going on, not really doing much of anything at all and I’ve spent a lot of time in my head.

I think the honeymoon period after coming out is over and the magnitude of the situation facing me has hit me.

I will have to prove myself to the people that have my transition in their hands, without their approval and if they do not think I am ready or whatever then my transition will not go ahead. I have to play the system a little bit in order to get what I want, like have to say the right things etc. It’s going to be a long hard road and I am under no illusion that it’s going to be easy. While I understand why it takes so long and why they do the things they do but it’s very long and I know that for some people its too long and they don’t make it sadly. I won’t become a statistic in that respect, I will get to the end of my transition and be the person I am inside, I’m up for this fight. I just know it’s gonna be hard.

I’ve spent most of my life proving myself for one thing or another to mainly doctors and psychiatrists. And I have to now prove myself to another lot of people, asking questions like explain why you think you are male….etc :/ how do I explain my gender without just using the gender stereotypes. Gah! I’ll cross that when I come to it and try not to freak out about it now.

I’ve been eating a bit better this week, so I haven’t been feeling so weak and dizzy all the time.

I’ve only really been attending my groups and group socials. I’ve been being lazy as fuck! basically, I can make loads of excuses for myself as to why I’ve been doing nothing, just sleeping, watching tv,doing nothing. The weekends are difficult because I feel so crap after my injections but that’s been made worse by not eating properly. So now I am, I hope the side effects won’t be so bad this weekend.

I need to really sort out getting back into some sort of routine, I need to just get out more, just do stuff! I need to get on top of bills, appointments, I need to see more friends, I need to stop hiding away because it really isn’t helping things. It’s compacting how I feel and making me feel how I did all those years ago pre DBT which is a feeling I don’t want any more. I totally know I am not doing enough to ensure my mental health is stable. I need to get my head out my ass and stop being a dick lol! basically is what I’m saying.

Also having a few issues with some people and I know that in order to maintain friendships and stuff I feel like I am the one carrying these friendships. I feel like the friendships I have aren’t 50/50 and I am the one to put in all the effort in, organising to meet, up texting to see how they are etc. So there are a few friendships where this is happening and I am going to be strong and stop with this behaviour and stop carrying these friendships because if they are as strong as I think they are they will last and the people concerned will hopefully pull their weight. It hurts as I’ve been trying to do this for a few days now and it is hard because I do feel like I am the bad person, but I know I’m not. I need to let it ride and see what happens. That’s my own issues with feeling alone, no friends etc..that goes back to being a kid when I was unpopular and had few friends. But I am not alone, I do have some healthy friendships that I am going to concentrate on for now. And being alone isn’t bad either, me time is good, just not every day. I’ve also been making great friends at my groups and I need to utilise that fact and begin to build friendships with my new friends 🙂 and widen my friendship circle.

So all in all I need to just get back on in it, get out of my head and carry on 🙂

I’m hopefully going to see my friend a bit later *fingers*crossed* I need to get out the flat.

Feeling a bit better for writing and working all this through.

Peace out

Batman

Busy October

Not really had much chance to just sit and be this weekend. But its been ok. I woke up Saturday expecting to feel really poorly from the Methotrexate as after taking it Friday night it made me feel poorly within like 20mins of taking it, I felt really hot and really sick and it took ages to get off to sleep. But I did eventually and woke up symptom free, well mostly I felt a bit drowsy but that feelings nothing new lol! 

I was well enough to take Harvey out for the day. I took him to the park. We spent all day there, we had a play on the swings and slides and around the lake they have all free gym stuff, we did that twice and I let him go on the go karts twice and we went round on the little steam train 🙂 It was really good fun! I even had a go on the swings a slides and all the gym stuff. Dropped him home and sat and chatted with L for a few hours and had snuggles with a poorly Albert, lil dude’s got a bit of a tummy bug, luckily I managed not to get puked on this time lol.

I got home around 9:30 pm to a super excited puppy dog 🙂 so amazing to come home too. She didn’t know what to do with herself lol, gave her a treat so I could just get in and sort myself out. Just chilled out and then before going to bed the whole RAT! incident happened. I swear I could of killed the lil shit bag! Just what I needed as I was trying to wind down for the evening, so didn’t end up trying to sleep till about 2 am.

I slept well last night though and didn’t wake up till midday! and OMFG did/do I ache from head to toe after yesterdays fun and games at the park. Jeez, I can feel muscles I didn’t even know I had LOL! I am so unfit. Woke up all snotty and my head was hurting. My nose has been feeling sore all day and my snot was a bit bloody, which is never a good sign. So I took some pain killers, got my nice big comfy pillow and snuggled myself up on the sofa with my blankie and animals and fell asleep till about 2 pm (I think, I’ve been struggling to tell the time recently…which is really weird, I keep trying. But the time just doesn’t register in my brain its weird) Had a shower, which was lovely as I’d woken up all sweaty and gross lol! Got dressed and took my foxy girl for a wee, took her home then headed into town to pay rent and get electric. Nipped into see S and her mom W and we all went out for dinner tonight which was cool and after I spent a few hours at theirs.

I looked at my calender when I got in to check for any appointments I have this week and OMG this month is PACKED full. I’ve got my 1st CPN app 9th Oct, which I am looking forward too. 10th Oct is my DBT 1:1 and I am hoping this is the penultimate one as I want to be finished by xmas. 15th Oct is to (fingers crossed) See my ENT specialist! So hoping for some better answers. 18th Oct p-doc app. 19th Oct I have my flu jab. But after all those appointments I have two really good things going on. On the 23rd my friend J from London is coming down to stay and we are going to see Russell Brand on the 25th! I am SO stupidly excited to see J and Russell Brand, its going to be EPIC! And on the 30th Oct its my friend T’s bday and we are going to Thorpe park and its fright night! So cannot freaking WAIT! I love roller coasters, plus it will be pretty perfect as that day is the 2nd anniversary of dad’s death and when I went to visit him we always went to Alton towers as dad loved roller coasters too, so yea kind of fitting. On the 28th Oct it will be a year since foxy girl joined my lil family 🙂 and it’s been the best year of my life! I would be SO lost without her. So yea jam packed month.

There are a few things I NEED to do. So will try and get some lose ends tied up. I need to start sorting out court proceedings against D as well. But needs to be done. Got a list of what I’ve GOT to get done, so hopefully they will all be ticked off by the end of the month. Got my to-do list tucked under my phone cover so I don’t lose it and I can easily look at it. Need to put all my apps into my phone, but will do that tomorrow. 

Fed up of how a few people have been treating me…its fine when they need me, but they aren’t there when I need them. I have a few people I speak to on a regular basis just to check in and see how they are. But I’ve stopped doing that this week and what a fucking surprise it was me carrying on these friendships. So I am going to continue to not contact certain people and see what happens. I’m fed up of caring and carrying a friendship when I am the only one putting in the effort….kind of needs to be 50/50 but it isn’t I refuse to be there only when needed, that’s not how it works and I’m just not doing it any more.

Mentally ok I suppose, just been feeling a bit flat and grumpy. I have had a few scary moments lately where I’ve heard something. But its hard to tell if its just the “normal” hearing things, like often I hear my name being called when out in the street…. or its my head… Its hard to explain, like tonight all the animals were asleep on the sofa and I swear to GOD! I heard something growl, clear as day! I looked around but no all animals were asleep and it deffo wasn’t foxy! it was a bit odd and I’ve had similar experiences earlier in the week. I’ve just been ignoring it and will continue too and just hope it stops. It’s not like all the time, but a few times in a week is disturbing enough. Hopefully its just nothing and not my head lol. 

Physically just been the same bumbling along, not feeling amazing, but not really feeling any worse. So I suppose that’s a good thing. I’m not looking forward to my appointments where I have to be there at like 11 am! lol cuz I’ve been going to bed late and getting up late, so means I need to start sleeping and a reasonable hour. I’m going to make corn beef hash for dinner tomorrow I think, will give me a good 4-5 portions for the rest of the week. Do need to do a little food shop tomorrow. Not going to get too much at a time because it will get wasted otherwise as my appetite has been all over the place. 

It’s nearly 1 am….better get myself sorted and into bed.

Peace out

Tank girl