Living with a chronic illness – Hospital appointments

I’ve not written about my physical health for a while, but in the last week I’ve had 3 hospital appointments which was crazy! They’re like buses all come at the same time!

The first hospital appointment was Wednesday 16th Jan was my first physiotherapy appointment and it went really well. He gave me some exercises to do, which I’ve been doing most days. I know I need to do them everyday, but I’m feeling overwhelmed at the moment, so most days is better then non. He basically said that physio and insoles in my shoes will be something I need for the rest of my life because I am on the higher end of the scale for hyper-mobility, of which he said I score 9/9 which wasn’t really news to be. But I came away feeling happier, it seems like I will have continual care regarding physio, which isn’t something I’ve had before and its something I feel I will need for a while in order for me to make sure I’m doing my exercises and that its continuing to help with the chronic pain. He said where my muscles and ligaments are fairly weak from the hyper-mobility, these regular exercises will help strengthen them in hopes that is will help the main areas of my chronic pain, which is lower back, hips, knees and ankles. Overall a good appointment, my next one is in March so I have sometime to do my best with these exercises.

This Wednesday 23rd I has 2 hospital appointments in the same day, which made for an incredibly long, exhausting day.

My first appointment was at Christchurch hospital at 11 am and that was for Rheumatology, as soon as I got there I saw the nurse and she came over and said hello to me, I asked her if she needed a pee sample as I was bursting to go! and she said yeah sure that would be helpful and got me a sample point so I could go. I waited for about 10 mins for my appointment, as I was a bit early. Man its so bloody hot in hospitals! I was all wrapped up in a million jumpers as it was cold outside and had to take them all off when I sat down, for fear of boiling to death! When she had finished up with her previous patient she called me in. She’s quite a young nurse, I think she’s around my age (I’m 33) or a bit younger, she’s so easy to talk to and we talked about everything from my physical health to my transition. Which is great to have a nurse ask questions and actually be interested in me as a whole person. She’s going to ask me physio to write me a letter for the gender clinic re top surgery, as its something I forgot to ask him when I saw him. I said that the physio had said my posture needs correcting and I explained to her, my posture is bad because I often roll my shoulders in and hunch my back to hide my chest as I don’t bind very often and I explained that having top surgery would correct my posture because I wouldn’t have to be always hiding my chest. I asked if he could write a letter in support of top surgery as it may help push things along, she was very understanding and said it makes total sense. The plan is to have a dexa scan (bone density scan) to check my bones, as my last dexa was in 2016, so I’m due a scan. She also agreed its time to see how well I do coming off steroids, as I’ve been on them half my life and its time to see if I can remain well off them. The plan is to go from 5mgs to 4mgs for 4 weeks, longer if I don’t feel great. She said to go which how I’m feeling and then after that go down to 3mgs for 4 weeks and by then I’ll be seen by her again to catch up with how everything is going. I start on the lowered dose tomorrow, I’m a bit nervous, as I know its not going to make me feel so great to start with but I’ll stick with it. Overall another great appointment.

I got the bus into town and I had some time to kill and I was hungry, I decided to treat myself and I went to a ice cream parlour, where I had a Oreo waffle, covered in chocolate sauce, crumbled Oreos and toffee ice cream. I couldn’t eat it all but it was sooo nice and very much needed, seeing as I’d been up since 6:45am!

I got the next bus to Poole hospital and this was an ENT – ears, nose and throat appointment. My appointment was at 2:30pm and I got there 10 mins early and again MAN it was so freaking hot in there! They ran 50 mins late, I was so exhausted and getting a bit agitated because I was hot and wanted to go home. But it was worth the wait and thank god for our NHS we are so lucky to have it. This was a new ENT doc to me, she was super nice and easy to talk too and had clearly read my notes which was great. There were a couple of students in there, observing appointments, I love having students in my appointments because these young people will be looking after me when I’m older and if they are interested in specialising in rare medical conditions then I am definitely all for it! I’ve had meetings with rooms full of doctors, I’m always participating in studies where the hospital shares my tests results ets, I’ve spoken to many student doctors and nurses over the years and I think its really important for them to be observing and learning different aspect of patients that in the future will be their patients. I digress, but its an important point. We had a brief chat about my medical history and asked how I’m currently doing, as to which I said I’m doing well although I’ve had quite a blocked nose recently but I think that’s to do with the cold weather and going from hot to cold environments. She saw me at her voice clinic, so she could have a look up my nose and down to my vocal chords. It was pretty cool to see it on the screen, as she recorded it so I could have a look. She was surprised that I don’t have a hole in my septum, as that is often a symptom of my condition, which as a reminder is called Granulomatosis with Polyangiitis/Churg Strauss syndrome, so that’s good news! She was also surprised that I have no irreparable damage up my nose, vocal chords or wind pipe, despite the fact I’ve had my wind pipe chemically widened a few times in my late teens early 20’s. She said everything looks great and it shows that my condition has been well controlled over the years. She agreed to see me again in 6 months to touch base but if I need anything in between then I can call and see her sooner if I need too. Again despite the long wait, it was worth it.

I”m really happy with how things are going for me health wise at the moment, I have a great team of doctors looking after me and I feel listened too which for me is so important and I also feel involved in my care, which is something I’ve not had before, mainly because I was 14/15 at the time I of my diagnosis.

The long day didn’t hit me until Friday afternoon. Friday morning my mum came round at 9:30 am, she helped me sort out the curtains in the bedroom as I had just thrown them up years ago, they’re too long and I’d not pulled the string through so they were really baggy at the top. She showed me how to do all that which was cool as they look better now. We went to a cafe, for a drink and a scone which was nice. She dropped me back and I went for my testosterone shot at 12pm. After I walked home, I got the dogs ready to go out (didn’t leave straight away) and as it was nice sunny and fairly warm, we got the bus to Hamworthy park. It was such a nice walk, at one point I was sat on the bench watching scrappy running in and out of the sea and foxy just wandering about with the warm sun hitting my face, just perfect. We got back about 3:40, scrappy had to have a shower as he was covered in sand. I fully reclined both sides of my sofa, covered it with blankets, did up the hot water bottles and ordered some lunch/dinner. After I’d eaten a wave of tiredness came over me, I snuggled up on the sofa with the dogs and the cats and I think I fell asleep for about 2 hours. It was so needed, I’d felt exhausted all day but it didn’t really hit me till I stopped and that exhaustion lasted till Saturday.

Its funny I don’t always feel the effects of a long day like that, till a couple of days later. But I’m feeling better today, although that may change this week when I start lowering the steroids!

That’s it for now,

Peace out


Health update – New Med Regime – So far So Good

I haven’t posted for a while in detail about my  health issues and transition, so as I am sitting at the laptop downloading pictures and stuff I thought I would write about what’s been going on in a bit more detail.

In January I finally had my first appointment with my new Rheumatologist in Southampton hospital and it went really well and he was super nice. I saw him again on 2nd March, which was also my birthday lol. He started me on a new med called Mycophenolate 500mgs twice a day. It’s going ok so far, it’s caused a bit of insomnia but I am hoping that will sort itself out. I got back in 4 months time, which is good. I also got to have monthly bloods again now I am back on an immunosuppressant drug, which I’m used too having been on Methotrexate.

This week I saw my new ENT doc at Southampton and he gave me Neil med Sinus rinse, Flixonase nose drops and a 8 week course of Doxycycline to try and get on top of this sinus infection, before we talk about any surgical intervention. Which I understand, he’s got protocols to follow. I really hope this all works out and we don’t have to go down the surgical route. I got a follow up in June.

Mental health stuff is going ok-ish, just still struggling with dissociation, depersonalisation and derealisation. But I am finding that taking pics and posting on social media is helping me stay in the moment. Also I am finding things to do to keep me busy to help keep me in the moment, like playing on the PS4, Lego, playing with the dogs, arts and crafts etc I am really trying my best so I don’t have to go back to the CMHT.

On Thursday I saw the Endocrinologist at the gender identity clinic in London and he said my health issues and medication will not interfere with my medical transition, especially starting Testosterone. Which is absolutely amazing news, so so happy about that. The only thing he did say is that I’m overweight..yup already knew that lol! but he did also say that my last blood results said that my cholesterol was a bit high, so before starting T I’ve got to get my weight down otherwise I will be more at risk of a heart attack. Which is fine, I know I need to lose weight, I’m not happy with my weight as is it right now. My next appointment isn’t until June but I’ve been put on the cancellation list, fingers crossed it will be sooner. My next appointment will be hopefully where I get the yes to start T, so its all super exciting.

So yeah everything is pretty much going ok, I’m happy with my new med regime and I really hope it improves my health.

Peace out



Catching up again – Staying afloat

Once again its been about a month since I’ve written anything, it feels much longer though. I am going to try and write more regularly this month and hopefully I’ll get back into the swing of it again. I really enjoy writing and I’ve missed it but I haven’t had much to blog about really as nothing much has changed, I’m kinda just stuck right now, nothing has really changed, nothing has moved forward, I’m just still waiting and its all out of my hands, there’s nothing I can do. Its frustrating but it is what it is I suppose.

I’ll get the B word out of the way… Benefits, PIP. I am still waiting for a court date and it should be around September when I get an appointment through. So that’s that… this has been going on since, September 2015! I am absolutely disgusted by this entire process and to know I am not the only one going through this makes it worse, because I know I am strong enough to deal with whatever life throws at me, but there are those that aren’t as strong and have killed themselves as a result of being deemed fit to work. My heart hurts for those people… I’ll end it there or I will just keep writing.

So gender clinic and gender stuff – I wrote Charing Cross a letter with my new NHS number and I asked if I was going to be seen soon. I’ve not heard anything back yet..that doesn’t overly surprise me. My referral was done last July and the then waiting list was 13months so I will hopefully get an appointment next month! Fingers, toes and tits crossed everyone!

I have totally given up on binding, I simply can’t do it. I’ve tried 2 different brands of binders and a high intensity sports bra, they all worked great but I can’t deal with how they feel, the tightness, the material, the fact they make me hot and they hurt. It’s all just too much and I can’t deal with it, it makes me feel weird just writing about it. It fucking sucks! It makes me feel like shit, just a daily reminder that I’m not even close to being who I feel on the inside. While I am out and on the phone, I get misgendered and it feels like being stabbed in the heart, it makes me not want to go out and do things, it makes so fucking self conscious. I already have anxiety about talking on the phone but this makes it even fucking worse. I feel safe at home and I’ve noticed this year I haven’t done half of the things I did by this time last year. Most of this is down to my physical health being awful but even on the days I feel well, I just don’t want to go out and face the world because the world doesn’t see me the way I feel inside and its hard. So I have been hiding away more then I usually do and if I do go out, its with people I feel safe with and to places I feel safe to go. I get more excited at the prospect of staying in and doing my own thing then going out and doing stuff… But it is a fine balance of staying at home feeling safe and completely isolating myself, which is difficult. I think staying in and feeling safe is the most important thing for my mental health at the moment, I need to keep myself safe.

Physical health stuff – I saw my Thoracic medicine doc last month and he’s happy with my breathing test results, as they have remained unchanged for a long time, so he’s discharged me. But I can be referred back if I need to be. I am happy with this, its one less appointment to go too. He looked at my CT scan of my sinuses and my left side is so inflamed and the inflammation is just less then a inch from behind my eye, which explains why I get a lot of headaches and why that side of my head always hurts so much. I see my ENT doc this month, so I will be able to discuss more with him about my awful sinus pain etc and hopefully we’ll be able to come up with something that will be able to help it. I don’t even know what the options would be to make this better, right now I’d say yes to whatever he suggests.

The Gabapentin is going well, I have put on 10lbs which really bothered me at first but I don’t care anymore. I have gone past the stage of feeling the need to eat all the time, so my appetite has returned to being somewhat normal again. I am sure the weight will fall back off again. Coming off the Tramadol is going well, I am now down to 5 tablets a day down from 8 a day. It’s been really hard, as it caused insomnia the start with and it made me clench my jaw so hard it gave me migraines. That’s all starting to get better now, the insomnia is a lot better. I’m not waking up several times a night and I am actually sleeping right through, I am loving being able to sleep all night again. The jaw thing is ok now most days but if I don’t take my Tramadol right on time, then I really start clenching my jaw and it hurts so bad but its out of my control, I try and stop doing it when I notice it happening but it doesn’t work. Overall I am pretty happy with how this med change has gone so far and I am hoping that the Gabapentin continues to work well on its own.

The practice manager at my doctors surgery is still on the case to get hold of my notes, from the mythical place they go to when you change your gender lol. I hope this is sorted soon.

My knee has been alright since the steroid injection and I think the Gabapentin has helped as well. My over all pain levels have been far more manageable on the Gabapentin, well as long as I’m not doing a lot.. As soon as I do “normal” daily life stuff and social stuff, I ache a lot and the fatigue kicks in.

So that’s me really, still feel like an anxious, emotional wreck. I don’t know how I keep going but I do, somehow. I just keep trying to find the little bits of positivity in every day and every situation I come across.

I’ll wrap this up now,

I’ll try post again soon.

Peace out


Waiting is the worst part

It’s only been 5 days since I last posted but it feels much longer as I’ve been quite busy, mainly getting my PIP stuff sorted but I’ve also been doing nice things too, to break up the monotony of the PIP stuff.

I’ll follow on from my last post,

Mr Scrappy doodles continues to be in good health and he turns 2 next week, which has gone so fast. Foxy, Marley and Harley are also doing great and Harley has a birthday next week as well and she will be 1 years old. Its gone insanely fast.

Medical stuff – My whole knee is swollen, so is my ankle and my hip feels like its swollen too, so yeah my whole leg. The naproxen didn’t help at all, it just caused me a huge bruise on the back of my thigh. So I booked another appointment to see my GP and its this Friday…really early in the morning :/ But whatever my leg is really hurting and nothing is helping.

I have my CT scan next week which is cool but my follow up app with my ENT isn’t until July.. So I may try and see if I can bring it forward.

Disability Benefits stuff – With the help of a good friend to get stuff all printed out and another person who checked over my appeal. It all finally came together, yesterday I checked it over like 3 times to make sure everything wasn’t missing and it was all in order. I posted it special delivery which cost £7.10 but it ensured its safety to get there and they cannot say they didn’t receive it in time.

I’m glad its all done but now I’ve got to wait, which is almost as stressful. I so hope they re-think the tribunal, I can’t go through that, I just don’t have the energy for it. This process alone has taken everything from me, I have nothing left.

I’m feeling a bit lost at the moment because the process of writing my appeal has brought up so many feelings, the main feeling being anger and the fact that I’ve not dealt with the PTSD caused by my physical health illness and I don’t know where to start. It’s all been very traumatic and something no one should have to go through.

How do I feel right now? I don’t know, I think I feel sad, I suppose you could say depressed. I just don’t feel connected with myself, I’m not grounded, I’m just exhausted in every sense of the word. Tonight I will meditate, I will try and relax a bit more.

I’ll end this now as my brain has switched itself off.

Peace out


What a week and it’s only Wednesday!

Its only Wednesday and it has already been one hell of a week! I’m absolutely exhausted, in so much pain and so stressed out, literally don’t know how I am continuing to move forward and deal with all of this shit.

So Monday Scrappy went down hill, he was still being sick and he started pooping blood, he then went very lethargic. So I had to scramble around and got two of my friends to help me out but we managed to get him to the vets in the end. I was thinking the worse, as I’ve never seen him so poorly before. But the vet said he’s probably eaten something he shouldn’t have…which knowing scrappy is probably what happened lol. The vet gave him 3 injections, antibiotics, anti-sickness and anti-diarrhea and then some anti-diarrhea paste to give him for the next few days.

Yesterday Scrappy was still really subdue and not eating but today he’s really perked up. He’s eaten and played fetch, he’s still not 100% himself but he didn’t eat for 48 hours and didn’t sleep well for 48 hours so he’s probably exhausted and feeling really weak. I’m sure he’ll be back to his usual old self in a few more days. I’m just glad my baby boy is on the mend, I wouldn’t know what I would do without him or any of my babies.

Monday morning I spent ringing around my doctors and diverse abilities to sort out getting my case together for this tribunal for the disability benefits. I need to chase up one doc to see what’s going on, as I said I am at that hospital next week and can pick it all up.

My psych has been great, I saw him today to catch him up to speed with everything going on, so he’s going to write me an up to date letter for me to use at the tribunal, I just need to show him what I will be writing to them. So I am going to get diverse abilities to send me a copy of the appeal, so I can send to him because my case for the tribunal will still be along the same lines.

This fortnight after I pay out for everything I have £38… Yes I did treat myself to a £6 top and a haircut that cost £9 but I think I deserve a small treat after everything I’ve been through. But I can’t afford to get a taxi to my hospital app next week, so I’ve asked my brother to take me but I can’t afford to pay car parking because its expensive and I can’t expect my brother to either, so he’s just dropping me off. I have no money to socialise, which I know its not what it is for BUT because of my illnesses I get isolated very easily, so with no money to do anything, I will become isolated, bored and depressed.. This is no life at all, its just not fair! I just hate this so much, having to prove over and over that I am sick and “worthy” to be “awarded” these benefits. Its soul destroying to go over all my limitations and all the things that I struggle with or can’t do. I cannot WAIT for it all to be over, I will fight until I get my money, I need this money to live instead of just about surviving like I am right now.

Over the last few years I’ve watched helplessly as my health has gone down hill and I’ve not been able to do a thing about it. At the moment I am still having issues with my re-occurring sinus infections but next Fri I meet my new ENT doc. I am anxious about it but at the same time I can’t wait because it does need to be sorted out. Also this last week or so my right knee has been swollen after well doing anything and its has been really painful…But I can’t see my GP until next week. I had a letter to say he wants to see me, but the receptionists can’t possibly tell me why and they still cannot see me until Tues.. lol. I am over dealing with the gate keepers of the doctors, I just hope he doesn’t urgently need to see me for anything because well Tues will have to do.

So how do I feel right now? I really don’t know to be honest, overwhelmed is probably the right word to use right now. It’s all a bit too much and I have SO much to do and I am organising it all myself. I’m just grateful for the friends that I have around me right now and my brother, they are helping to keep me afloat.

I’m surprised that my dark passenger hasn’t made himself known, I think finally after 20 years I am totally in control of this dark addiction that I held so closely for most of my life. Finally there is a distance between us and he’s no longer walking anywhere near me. Throughout all of this stress I could have easily given my dark passenger permission to just take hold of me again but it hasn’t even crossed my mind, which is a huge step for me. I have cut once in about two and a half years and I am extremely proud of myself for that because before I stopped, cutting (my dark passenger) totally controlled my life, say if my current situation with benefits, health etc was to happen 4 years ago then I would probably be cut to shreds, I would probably be cutting every day because of the stress. Like I said I’ve not thought about and even now talking about it, isn’t a trigger at all, which again is a huge improvement for me. I’ve said before that I enjoyed cutting but now I understand myself a lot more and understand that I have sensory processing issues and that is why I enjoyed it. Now I am aware of that I have different things that I use when I need that sensory feeling or whatever, its difficult to explain.

I’m glad I’ve written about all this because it has shown me that despite all of the shit I am going through, I do have things that I can still be proud of 🙂 and that is a good mood booster, least I am still moving forward and making progress.

That’s all for now,

Peace out


Finally a productive day

Today has been REALLY productive. I woke up at 9 am and actually got up. I stripped the bed, shoved it in the washing machine, had a shower and got dressed, had porridge for breakfast, took foxy for a wee, then headed to the CAB to get some more advice. It’s good news, so I am going to try and get D into mediation before I try court, as court will appreciate more that I have tried other avenues then just going to them 1st. So I’m going too ring the mediation people tomorrow, so feeling a little better about this situation. Court should deffo be last resort.

I had my ENT app this morning. I got some better answers this time. He doesn’t want to operate on my nose, as he doesn’t want to make anything worse, which is a fair point! he’s happy with my condition just being controlled by medication for now. I am going to have an MRI scan on my brain on the 25th Nov to see if its my brain that’s causing the migraines. FINALLY!!! they are looking at my brain lol.

Came home had some lunch, hung up my washing and put another load in. Then just chilled out 🙂

Went to meet my brother and just watched Jack Jack while my bro had his eyes tested. Was nice to see Jack, he looks so grown up in his school uniform. I told him foxy was going to have her hair cut soon and he thought it was SO funny that a dog goes to the hair dressers lol! He was giggling about it. So cute. 

Came home and chilled out, hung up more washing. Then made myself some yummy dinner 🙂

This evening I’ve just been chilling out. Feeling pretty good that I’ve managed to get so much done today. But I’ve also looked after myself as well.

I lit 5 candles for Harry and Cody, 2 beautiful butterfly boys who got their wings too early and for all my friends who have angel babies. May their stars shine so bright in the sky ❤ 


Peace out

Tank girl x

Stupidly tired :(

Today has not been so good 😦

I have felt so exhausted all day.. I woke up, ate and fell back to sleep on the sofa. Got up, showered, dressed and went to see if I could get and app at the CAB… But there wasn’t any appointments left today. Its so stupid that if you want an app that day you have to turn up at 9:30 am… I can’t always get up that early 😦 they don’t really cater for people that are ill….. But hopefully I will feel better Wed/Thurs and able to get up early. Anyway I am now thinking of taking her to mediation RATHER then the small claims court…. as neither of us need that stress. But will talk to them about it. I just want contact! 

Went to see S’s mum in the shop, S told me she had sent her a message on fb. I went to the sorting office and picked up my batman cars 🙂 and comics. Then made my way home, my body and my legs felt so heavy, I felt like I was about to pass out. 

I got home, had some lunch and really felt so exhausted 😦 So I tried to lay on the sofa and rest, but my hips were really sore. So I made the choice to get into bed, which I don’t usually do during the day, because I didn’t want to sleep too long. But I just felt so tired and so poorly, I had to get some sleep. Ended up sleeping for an hour and a half. So woke up at about 4:30 pm. I felt a little better for it.

Just sat and woke up for a bit, then nipped to the shop for some cat litter. I don’t usually get it in the shops, but I ran out of money before I could order any online… Its so much cheaper online! 

Came back and had some dinner and sat a bit more. Then I finally got the energy up to clean! I did 2 loads of laundry, de-scaled the kettle and shower head, washed up, cleaned out the cat trays and hoovered! Feel so much better now the flat looks a bit tidier, I feel a bit better.

Mentally not feeling so great. I hate having days where I can’t do anything due to tiredness 😦 its frustrating! and I still feeling so hurt over D and K. I miss them both so so much. Its been 6 months and no matter how much I think I am over it all and stopped hurting, it comes and hits me twice as hard! and I feel so upset and depressed to the point I am just sitting and crying about it. *sigh* I hate this all so much.

Physically I think I have a cold, which is the cause of the tiredness. Got my ENT appointment tomorrow morning, hoping to get more answers then I did at my last app.

Peace out

Tank girl

Busy October

Not really had much chance to just sit and be this weekend. But its been ok. I woke up Saturday expecting to feel really poorly from the Methotrexate as after taking it Friday night it made me feel poorly within like 20mins of taking it, I felt really hot and really sick and it took ages to get off to sleep. But I did eventually and woke up symptom free, well mostly I felt a bit drowsy but that feelings nothing new lol! 

I was well enough to take Harvey out for the day. I took him to the park. We spent all day there, we had a play on the swings and slides and around the lake they have all free gym stuff, we did that twice and I let him go on the go karts twice and we went round on the little steam train 🙂 It was really good fun! I even had a go on the swings a slides and all the gym stuff. Dropped him home and sat and chatted with L for a few hours and had snuggles with a poorly Albert, lil dude’s got a bit of a tummy bug, luckily I managed not to get puked on this time lol.

I got home around 9:30 pm to a super excited puppy dog 🙂 so amazing to come home too. She didn’t know what to do with herself lol, gave her a treat so I could just get in and sort myself out. Just chilled out and then before going to bed the whole RAT! incident happened. I swear I could of killed the lil shit bag! Just what I needed as I was trying to wind down for the evening, so didn’t end up trying to sleep till about 2 am.

I slept well last night though and didn’t wake up till midday! and OMFG did/do I ache from head to toe after yesterdays fun and games at the park. Jeez, I can feel muscles I didn’t even know I had LOL! I am so unfit. Woke up all snotty and my head was hurting. My nose has been feeling sore all day and my snot was a bit bloody, which is never a good sign. So I took some pain killers, got my nice big comfy pillow and snuggled myself up on the sofa with my blankie and animals and fell asleep till about 2 pm (I think, I’ve been struggling to tell the time recently…which is really weird, I keep trying. But the time just doesn’t register in my brain its weird) Had a shower, which was lovely as I’d woken up all sweaty and gross lol! Got dressed and took my foxy girl for a wee, took her home then headed into town to pay rent and get electric. Nipped into see S and her mom W and we all went out for dinner tonight which was cool and after I spent a few hours at theirs.

I looked at my calender when I got in to check for any appointments I have this week and OMG this month is PACKED full. I’ve got my 1st CPN app 9th Oct, which I am looking forward too. 10th Oct is my DBT 1:1 and I am hoping this is the penultimate one as I want to be finished by xmas. 15th Oct is to (fingers crossed) See my ENT specialist! So hoping for some better answers. 18th Oct p-doc app. 19th Oct I have my flu jab. But after all those appointments I have two really good things going on. On the 23rd my friend J from London is coming down to stay and we are going to see Russell Brand on the 25th! I am SO stupidly excited to see J and Russell Brand, its going to be EPIC! And on the 30th Oct its my friend T’s bday and we are going to Thorpe park and its fright night! So cannot freaking WAIT! I love roller coasters, plus it will be pretty perfect as that day is the 2nd anniversary of dad’s death and when I went to visit him we always went to Alton towers as dad loved roller coasters too, so yea kind of fitting. On the 28th Oct it will be a year since foxy girl joined my lil family 🙂 and it’s been the best year of my life! I would be SO lost without her. So yea jam packed month.

There are a few things I NEED to do. So will try and get some lose ends tied up. I need to start sorting out court proceedings against D as well. But needs to be done. Got a list of what I’ve GOT to get done, so hopefully they will all be ticked off by the end of the month. Got my to-do list tucked under my phone cover so I don’t lose it and I can easily look at it. Need to put all my apps into my phone, but will do that tomorrow. 

Fed up of how a few people have been treating me…its fine when they need me, but they aren’t there when I need them. I have a few people I speak to on a regular basis just to check in and see how they are. But I’ve stopped doing that this week and what a fucking surprise it was me carrying on these friendships. So I am going to continue to not contact certain people and see what happens. I’m fed up of caring and carrying a friendship when I am the only one putting in the effort….kind of needs to be 50/50 but it isn’t I refuse to be there only when needed, that’s not how it works and I’m just not doing it any more.

Mentally ok I suppose, just been feeling a bit flat and grumpy. I have had a few scary moments lately where I’ve heard something. But its hard to tell if its just the “normal” hearing things, like often I hear my name being called when out in the street…. or its my head… Its hard to explain, like tonight all the animals were asleep on the sofa and I swear to GOD! I heard something growl, clear as day! I looked around but no all animals were asleep and it deffo wasn’t foxy! it was a bit odd and I’ve had similar experiences earlier in the week. I’ve just been ignoring it and will continue too and just hope it stops. It’s not like all the time, but a few times in a week is disturbing enough. Hopefully its just nothing and not my head lol. 

Physically just been the same bumbling along, not feeling amazing, but not really feeling any worse. So I suppose that’s a good thing. I’m not looking forward to my appointments where I have to be there at like 11 am! lol cuz I’ve been going to bed late and getting up late, so means I need to start sleeping and a reasonable hour. I’m going to make corn beef hash for dinner tomorrow I think, will give me a good 4-5 portions for the rest of the week. Do need to do a little food shop tomorrow. Not going to get too much at a time because it will get wasted otherwise as my appetite has been all over the place. 

It’s nearly 1 am….better get myself sorted and into bed.

Peace out

Tank girl

:( Struggling….

Appointment was a complete waste of time!! There is thickening on the lining of the inside of my nose, but air is still getting through, so there is no need to do anything!! Utter bollox!! Its really bad on the left hand side. But i can breathe so its fine. He’s not sure what’s causing my headaches. I asked about reconstructive surgery and he said the nhs won’t do it for cosmetic surgery!! Utter twat!! It wouldn’t be for cosmetic reasons! So yea nothing happened as a result! If i want to be referred back to London I’ve got to ask my gp! And they are going to make me an app for my ent specialist as the doc i saw was just part of his team. So fuming as I’m back at square one with no one doing fuck all!!  

Feeling so fucking frustrated! Docs are shit, people lie! gonna have to drag D to court if she does not contact me in a WEEK! Still don’t know why J blocked me….. 😥 Just done trying with people, makes no fucking difference at the end of every day I go home alone…

Atm I give up…. I’m so tired of fighting to get the right treatment…

D yes looks like I’m going to have to take the stupid bitch to court! T the woman who D sold the car too who was giving D the money for it has now blocked me on fb and LIED to me saying she hasn’t got D on her fb anymore which is a LIE! 

 J is someone I have known since I was about 10years old. I’ve not the faintest idea at all why I’ve been blocked I’ve even asked her partner and he’s ignored me too! 

Just fucking hate everything right now its all a fucking load of bullshit!

Just take me to the vets and put me down because seriously! You would not let a dog suffer like this had a fucking gut full of it all! and whatever I do its always my fucking fault

Peace out

Tank girl 


Proud dog owner :)

Had a slow start to the day, just chilled out sleeping mainly lol! 

Then I took my foxy girl for a walk, which took about 2 hours as we had to stop at say hello to nearly every dog and person! We got to the big green field and I’ve been bursting to take her off her lead for ages! But been to scared too. But this field is big so I thought I would let her off the lead. OMG I was so freaking anxious about it lol, but had to remain calm as I didn’t want to freak her out. At first she was just walking beside me as she hadn’t caught on that she was free to run, then she started running and OMG my lil heart was racing, but I calmly bent down and called her back and she came straight away and I did that a few times and also told her to wait a few times and she did! and she did it all without the offer of treats 🙂 I am still smiling ear to ear now about! Can’t wait to do it again. 

After my walk I went to see S as she wanted me to take the library as she needed to do some photo copying but didn’t know where it was. So I sat in the shop for a bit while her mom had a cup of tea, then S and I went into town. She decided not to do her paperwork at the library as it would of cost too much, so we went back to the shop and S let me do my own pick and mix 😀 so cool! then I kept her company up stairs while she put her files together for court. She is trying to get her husband over here from Egypt and Egypt is not in the EU and he’s Muslin so yea they are fighting a really hard battle. He’s not going to be coming over to claim benefits, he’s going to be working and S will be supporting them both until he does find a job. Anyway its been really stressful for them both and she has a court hearing in 12 days to plead her case! Prayers for S and Mally! I pray they are able to be together soon ❤ We were naughty again tonight and all went out for dinner lol.

Just been relaxing this evening, heads hurting as usual! 😦 Been meaning to go to bed but, I needed to write on here. Got my ENT app tomorrow, my mom and friend C are coming with me, so that’s cool.

Right I need to take my meds and go to bed!

 Foxy girl off her lead 😀 proud moment!

 Baiter 🙂

Peace out

Tank girl x