Toxic positivity

What is toxic positivity? Well its this

Its something I experience a lot from others but also I do it myself. I invalidate my own feelings, mainly because I get sick to death of feeling so shit all the time, I just try and fake it till I make it, but that’s such a bad thing. As it doesn’t acknowledge or validate your situation and feelings and without that validation then how you feel will often last longer as your not being true to yourself.

It’s also something that I have really noticed recently in the spiritual/new age community and its not cool. Over the last few months I’ve felt increasingly like I don’t belong in the spiritual community because I’m not as knowledgeable, I’m not spiritual enough, I’m too depressed etc the list goes on. No matter what religion/community you belong too, it shouldn’t make you feel like an outsider. It should be a place of love and unity but its not and I’ve found that it’s just full of fakes, who say one thing but who’s actions are the complete opposite of what they speak and I’m not ok with that. That’s not the type of people I want to be associated with, so I decided to leave every facebook page and group I belonged to and remove most people from that community off my facebook.

I was sick of seeing the streams and streams and positive shit, I mean I love my quotes and stuff but it got to the point where seeing all this stuff was making me feel more worthless then I already do because everyone in these groups makes living life and being happy seem so fucking simple, its like they all know this secret to a happy life but aren’t allowed to tell me, I’ve just got to put up with seeing the fake stuff, oh just meditate and you’ll be happy, connect to your higher self and you’ll have all these special gifts… and yeah it all feels so unobtainable to someone like me, who’s on my own and I don’t have anyone to guide me or teach me.

It was just all getting to be really overwhelming and then its like all of a sudden I saw just how self centred and fake everyone is because life isn’t fucking perfect no matter how spiritual you are because your still here living the human experience. I often feel that there’s a sense of superiority within the community, because they have all these gifts and whatever that they are better then everyone.

This is all just how I feel and it could well be a reflection of how I’m feeling in general right now, but no one’s noticed I’ve left or removed them of my facebook, so kinda makes my point really. Community is meant to care for everyone not some.

I’ve also had a lot of toxic positivity from friends who will over generalise whatever I say by saying oh well everyone is struggling right now, everyone is in the same situation. Which while yes its true, that doesn’t make me feel good and I struggle to open up to people and be vulnerable and tell people the truth about how I feel. I very rarely express how I really feel because I don’t easily trust people’s words, I often don’t feel safe enough to be honest and the times I have been honest I either get one of 2 reactions. I either get invalidated and they’ll talk in general or the person will over react and in doing that then makes it about them. So either way I often left feeling invalidated, so my automatic response is usually I’m good thanks as it doesn’t invite any more questions. Also I find people want to fix it for you, they listen to reply, they listen to help and that’s not always helpful either. Being heard by someone can make you feel 10 times better then any advice as often all I want it be heard, acknowledged and validated and sometimes that’s all anyone needs.

I know I am a rescuer type personality and its something I have become very aware of over the last few years and its really hard walking away from people but constantly rescuing something is draining. But its so hard not to rescue people, not go above and beyond to help people just to make myself feel better, to make myself feel useful and worthy. But I can’t rescue the world when I can barely rescue myself.

I’m not completely sworn off spirituality despite the situation I find myself in, I still have my spiritual beliefs and I will still be open to learning more. I just don’t want to be stuck in a box or community, I want to explore what’s out there. I will always try to be one with earth and the universe.

Maybe this post has helped you recognise toxic positivity, whether that’s because you’ve experienced it or are guilty of it. Which I think we all are to a degree, non of us are perfect.

Keep being authentic

Peace out

Zak

Toxicity purge – Update

I thought I’d do an update with how things have been going since I decided to change things, cut people out of my life etc.

First thing I want to say is that is has been incredibly difficult part of my journey but its been really freeing and I’ve learnt so much about myself. I feel this part of my journey has been really important.

It’s been a pretty dark time, where at times I’ve really struggled to keep going and I’ve just wanted to give up but somehow I’m still going, still trying my best.

About 4 weeks ago I removed everyone off Facebook and only been using FB for the group I run. I originally planned to post stuff to my timeline so I can use it as a diary but I’ve not done that as much as I thought I would. I can honestly say its the best decision I’ve made. I can’t really explain why, I suppose I don’t have that pressure of being watched and judged by people. I feel more free, I can just be me.

I wrote a public post saying what I was doing and people know how to get hold of me and unsurprisingly no one contacted me and this is precisely the reason I did it. I was fed up with all the fakeness of it all and the fact that every friendship I have I was the one keeping it afloat, I was the one to always message first and arrange stuff. I refuse to do it anymore, it has to be equal or I’m not interested anymore. I don’t think I’m setting standards to high I am just beginning to value and respect myself enough to say I deserve better from friendships and relationships in my life.

Some people don’t want you to change and realise your value because it makes them look at their own poor behaviour. I think that’s what happened with the people that blocked me. I still haven’t heard anything, but that’s ok. I’ve forgiven them not for them but for me, being angry won’t hurt the other person, it only poisons yourself. I don’t hold any hate towards anyone who’s hurt me or hasn’t put in equal effort into friendships, because everyone is dealing with their own journey and everyone is at different places in their journey. I think I’ve out grown a lot of people in my life, last year has shown me exactly what I want and now that’s what I’m aiming for. I just wont settle for less anymore.

It’s been a pretty lonely time, cutting out people isn’t easy but I’ve learned to love my own company, I thought I was already comfortable in my own company but clearly not as much as I thought.

I’ve spent a lot of time walking the dogs, when the weather has been nice, listening to podcasts, reading, teaching scrappy new tricks, volunteering at the cat cafe and going to the cinema.

There has been a few people I’ve met up with over the last 4 weeks which has been nice, so I’m not totally isolated and friendless, I do still have a handful of friends that I appreciate and aren’t one sided friendships.

Overall I’m doing pretty well right now, I’m feeling pretty good. Its not easy but I’m just trying to trust the process and enjoy the ride and looking forward to what this road brings in the next few months.

Peace out

Zak

Christmas chaos

Well it’s 2 weeks until Christmas eve and I am no where near organised for anything lol, like I just feel like I am just wandering around in a haze with no real direction at all… I need to get myself sorted but right now I feel too tired and ill to do anything.

Last year I was super organised, cards were sorted, shopping was done, tree was up. I was ready. I haven’t even got a tree at the moment, I don’t know who I still need to get presents for, I haven’t done any food shopping, like literally I have nothing. I have done NO cards because well I can’t be fucking bothered.

I am still finding my feet after this manic episode and I just have so much going on. I have so many appointments, group meals an stuff before Christmas and just not enough time to do it all. Plus I am currently suffering from a sinus infection so I feel so ill.

Going to try and get myself a bit more organised at the weekend, I need to look at the presents that I already have got and what I need to get. I need to get myself a new tree if I have the money. Going to write myself a shopping list, will get that delivered though as no way am I carrying it all. I also need to make sure the animals have everything they need as well. A lot of work goes into celebrating a few days. But until the new year everything is all over the place so I like to have everything I need to get by.

I’ve had a long difficult week with one thing or another, which hasn’t helped with the disorganisation and time has just slipped away as well, it’s gone incredibly fast. I do need to get my butt into gear and sort it out. I want to make sure I have another good Christmas and that takes a lot of work.

Oh I have the name of a specialist in Southampton hospital and I have left a message with my GP to ask him to refer me to him. So I am hoping this will be straight forward but it might not be but I can always hope that something in my life is straight forward lol.

I have written a letter to my family to cut ties with them, apart from my brother as our relationship is different because we are brothers. I am going to post it to my grandparents house for them to pass around. I can no longer carry around the anger and the emotional baggage they bring into my life. It needs to be done and this year I have built up my friendship circle and they are now my family. Family isn’t always blood. I feel better for having written it, I can’t wait for this part of my life to be over with, so I can let go of the anger and move on. I am fed up with all the fakeness the holidays bring, I can’t fake my way through another Christmas. It’s a big scary step but I know that this ultimately is for the best.

Still not sleeping amazing, still waking up at least once. But I’m not waking up for that long and I am dealing with it. It is slowly getting better and I am definitely on the right track 🙂

I have altered my routine a little bit, I go on the laptop earlier in the evening so I have more time to watch a film or play on my ps3 and I am not spending as much time online as I did and I am finding I mentally feel less drained..not the right words but can’t find the words to explain it. Or I go on my laptop in the day, so I can chill in the evening.

My appetite is better but that’s because I’m still on 50mgs of Quetiapine. Even though I am hungry I struggle to eat, sometimes I try not to gag when I’m eating sometimes. But I carry on because I’m hungry and I need to eat. I just try and ignore it and enjoy eating, it’s hard but I need to gain a better relationship with food. I’m not forcing myself to eat though as I know that will make it worse, I just take my time to eat.

Transition stuff is ok I guess, still get misgenered like all the time which is really getting me down now but not much I can do about it :/ it’s just really frustrating.

Think that’s all that’s happening in my lil crazy life

Peace out

Batman