Transition update – Week 22 on T

I am 5 and a half months on testosterone but my voice hasn’t broken yet, it starts breaking the week of and after my testosterone shot but come the second week, my voice stops breaking and just sounds normal again. It’s super frustrating as my voice causes me some distress, I hate sounding so female. I think its because my T levels are too low, but I’ll find out the results of my bloods on Thursday and hopefully I can get my T levels more frequently then every 4 weeks.

Also with low T levels comes slow physical changes, which again is frustrating. The T should have started making my chest a big flatter by now, which is another area which causes me huge distress. I just try and ignore that area of my body the best I can, its not always easy but it makes it easier to deal with the distress.

Other then the low T levels and feeling frustrated, I’m feeling better then I was last month. I’m still getting bad anxiety but my mood is better then it was, which is cool. I’m feeling a bit more settled and clear headed then I was.

Week 22 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out


Decoupage – My new hobby

Ah yet another Sunday has rolled around and it is the first day of spring πŸ™‚ it didn’t start getting dark until 6:45 pm and the pups and I managed to catch the last bit of sunshine before it disappeared for the day.

So I am able to write a today that isn’t about my shit life but about the positive and good day I have had. YES a short relief from the utter crap that is my life, it was due.

Got up at a reasonable hour this morning and didn’t go back to sleep…shocking! I did the housework as well, again something I’ve not done properly for a few weeks. Had a shower and got dressed and took the pups across the road for a run.

I saw a thing in tv the other morning about doing different arts and crafty bits to do over Easter and one thing jumped out at me and it is called decoupage, its where you get scraps of well anything like tissue paper, paper etc and you glue it onto whatever surface you choose. So I got a box and cut a square and some holes and started to cover it with tissue paper. Not only did I really enjoy this but it looks so effective as well, this box is for the cats to play in. I have other boxes that the cats play in that I can do the decoupage too πŸ™‚ This has really helped lift my mood today as I feel like I’ve done something really productive and fun.

Its amazing how something so simple can change my mood so dramatically, but its definitely a new hobby that I will be doing more of.

How do I feel right now? I feel good and settled, which is a nice feeling and a relief from how I have been feeling recently.

Short post tonight but I don’t have much to say.

Here’s some pics of my day.

^^ My decoupage cat box πŸ™‚

^^ My beautiful girls ❀

^^ Its SPRING!

^^ Scrappy doodles being cute

^^ My beautiful Foxy girl

Peace out


Don’t listen to that little dark voice.

A lot has changed in 3 days, a good kind of change though. I’m feeling much better then I did when I last posted on Wednesday. I am much more articulate now and I am able to write a decent sentence…Well I hope so anyway.

On Thursday I wasn’t going to go to my LGBT mental health group, I just didn’t want to go. The little dark voice was whispering in my ear saying “don’t go” “you’ll have a better day at home” “you don’t need that group anyway” etc you get the picture, the depression whispering lies into my ear constantly, trying to keep me at home, keeping me away from people, keeping me from helping myself to push through and feel better. Because the dark voice disappears if I ignore him, so he shouts as loud as he can for as long as he can, until the little ray of light starts talking sense, telling me that there is hope and I will feel better again.

That little ray of light gets louder and stronger the more I pushed on with my day. He got a little louder after I had my breakfast, a little louder still after having a shower and getting dressed. The dark voice was shouting too both in equal measure, my head was so loud but I knew what path I had to follow. I carried on and took the dogs out for a walk, I kept having to sit down as the dark voice was making my body feel so heavy and weak but I pushed through. By this point both voices were raging at each other, I was just listening to them both, both made good points. But ultimately listening to the dark voice would mean just perpetuating the liar that is depression, he would win, the only way I was going to feel better is if I listened to the light voice and went to group.

So I managed to get my stuff together, it took every fibre of my being to do this. As I walked out the front door, locking it behind me, the dark voice realised he’s lost. So he went back to whispering softly in my ear, whispering things like “you won’t have a good day” “you’re stupid” etc… :/

By the time I got on the bus, my head was fairly quite again and my whole being felt so exhausted. I kept falling asleep on the bus trip and very nearly missed my stop but I suddenly realised where I was and pressed the button to get off.

Group itself was good, I don’t remember what we did but I think that’s because it was such a huge battle to just get there, I struggled to be present. But I was there, I stayed, I participated as much as I could and I felt better as a result.

I still didn’t feel 100% better but I felt more myself for going out. I had a good evening, I made myself dinner, played with the pups while waiting for my food shopping, snacked on a peanut butter and syrup sandwich and went to bed.

Friday I went to the Weymouth LGBT mental health group and again it was a bit of a battle to get up and ready, but the struggle wasn’t nearly as bad as the day before. So it just goes to show that my mood was on the way back to normality again.

As always the journey there and back was good and the session itself was good. I think I’ve been going to that group for about a year now, which is cool and makes me proud πŸ™‚

Got home from group about 6pm, I was so tired but I took the pups out for a quick wee and run. When we got back in I stripped off, my binder was hurting so off that came, jeans came off and were replaced by joggy bottoms, although if it was warmer I would just be walking about in boxers and top…but its still too cold for that unfortunately.

I had no energy or motivation to do anything, so I flopped onto the sofa, narrowly missing Harley and Foxy who were both on the sofa, waiting for attention. I reclined both sides of the sofa and I was soon surrounded by all four of my fur babies, I didn’t however appreciate scrappy standing on my back because he’s so freaking heavy! It was nice though, I spent about an hour just laying in silence, with my babies all round me.

Managed to muster up the energy to make myself some dinner which was nice. I just spent the evening watching tv and chatting to friends online.

Today the sun was out and it was like a cool spring day, its been so nice. Before I could go and enjoy the sunshine, I did the housework as its been a bit neglected this week due to my low mood . I felt better for doing it and the place no longer smelt of stinky cat litter, which isn’t a good smell.

I got myself together and I took the dogs for a walk and we went on the longer route. I thought it a bit ambitious of me to walk the long way and it worked out that yeah it was a bit ambitious. I kept having to sit down and resting along the way, but that was ok as I got to just sit in be in the moment.

Once again when I got in, I stripped off the chest binder and my jeans and adopted the much more comfortable joggy bottoms and I rested for a bit with my babies.

I started my dinner early as its quite a time consuming dish and didn’t want to eat too late in the night. I made myself a chicken and leek pie and it was very nice if I do say so myself. I did the washing up as I went along so it wasn’t overwhelming.

I have spent my evening playing with the animals and listening to music. Which makes a change from having the TV on all night and its been a nice change.

Recently I’ve been conscious about the amount of time I spend on my phone, laptop, ps3 and watching tv and I know that it doesn’t always have a good effect on me. So I’ve been switching off my mobile phone, not going on the laptop every night, now watching tv every day. I’ve been mixing up my routine a bit more, cuz before I would watch certain things in the day, then spend all evening with the TV on and my laptop on.

I like people not texting and talking to me all day long, sometimes I just turn my phone off and sit and play with the dogs, or do some colouring or whatever. Not having to be plugged in 24/7 is very freeing, just to sit and be in the moment and to be in whatever is going on around me is nice. It means I’m not missing out on spending quality time with friends or the animals, I’m not missing out on moments because I am not being sucked into my phone. I am learning more and more how to just be and it is difficult but I have found that if one of my senses is being occupied then I can be in the moment, being still and quiet.

I know people worry when I don’t text straight back or whatever but they don’t need to worry because I am ok, I’m just going back to basics.

So after sitting here for about 3 hours writing, well not solidly I may add, how do I feel? I feel calm, happy and connected with myself. I feel hopeful and excited to see L tomorrow for her birthday πŸ™‚

My life is by far simple but I somehow get myself through it, I will drag myself through this life kicking and screaming until the very end! I will not give up, that dark voice will NEVER win the war.

That is all for now, as my heads starting to hurt from looking at the screen. Glad I took the time to update this though, as its been a while and I always feel better for getting it all out and hopefully I will sleep peacefully tonight.

Peace out


I love my friends <3

I am back, I’m feeling a bit more lively and a bit less mopey. It’s been a very long few weeks but hopefully this is the start of me feeling better.

My stomach has been loads better this week and I’ve been catching up on eating lol πŸ™‚ but that’s good though, I needed to build myself back up again.

My friends have been really amazing this week and I am so so grateful for every single one.

On Thursday I spent the whole day with L and the pups. Harvey was at school and Albert was at nursery πŸ™‚ so it was nice just to chill and have some adult time. We watched some films and just chilled really but, even just simple things like that makes all the difference.

L picked up Albert from nursery and I went to pick up Harvey from school πŸ™‚ which was cool.

L cooked us all dinner too, which I needed, as I’d not eaten properly for a while.

I left just after the boys went to bed, when I got home, I got my meds, a drink, a snack, my hot water bottle and let the cats in the bedroom too and snuggled in bed with all my fur babies and I was fast asleep by 10:30 pm.

Friday I woke up at 5:30 am…but I had slept well for 7 hours. I just chilled out for a bit, hoping I would go back to sleep for a bit, but I didn’t. So I cleaned up a bit, got myself showered and dressed and by 8 am I was out with the pups, we went for a walk down Baiter. It was really nice, I saw a rainbow and got some great pictures.

On my way home I went to my friends shop and picked up her dog Lolly for a play date for the day. I did try and have a nap after my walk, I couldn’t sleep though but I did just rest for an hour.

I felt a bit restless all day long, I couldn’t settle on any one thing. But I felt ok other wise. Just spent the day pottering around the flat and playing with all the dogs and cats πŸ™‚

I dropped lolly home in the evening and S and her family invited me up for dinner which was nice πŸ™‚ I had nice snuggles with baby JJ and Lolly was wanting me to play too. It was nice just to chill out with friends and be looked after a lil bit ❀

I got home to my happy puppies and kitties, took the pups out for a wee and then snuggled up in bed like I did Thursday night. It was really nice not to have to inject myself and put that crap into my body! Felt nervous about it but good too.

Saturday was the first time in 15 years that I didn’t wake up with a methotrexate hangover! I didn’t feel tired and groggy, I just felt like I normally do in the morning.

I just sat watching cartoons for most of the morning, then decided to get my butt up and do the housework. Despite the rain I got my waterproofs and welly boots on and took the pups out for a walk, it was great fun πŸ™‚

I got home and did myself some actual dinner, only scrambled eggs on toast but at least I cooked something.

Two of my lady friends took me out, we went to Flirt for the evening but it was really nice to get out with some lovely friends.

After getting home, I took the pups for a wee, took my meds and fell asleep pretty much straight away.

So we are all caught up to today, which is Sunday.

I’ve felt pretty tired all day and all I’ve done is eat, sleep and watch cartoons. I just couldn’t get going but I think where I’ve not slept well all week, it’s all caught up with me. I don’t mind spending the day the way I have done because some days I just need to sleep, rest and eat.

I am feeling so so grateful to all my friends who’ve been there for me this week πŸ™‚ either physically or just through messages. I am feeling so much better for having my needs met from everyone, it was definitely needed. I cannot express enough have important and how much everyone has helped me, even the smallest of things has been brilliant, argh I can’t even explain what I mean lol. I am so so so grateful and I love all my friends ❀

So yeah I am back on track to feeling a bit better. I have emailed someone who knows all about my condition, who works for a charity, who will hopefully be able to help me be seen in a different hospital by an actual proper specialist. I am so excited about this, I just hope things work out!

Um so yeah, just staring at the laptop now, my brain has switched off. Not much planned tomorrow, I do need to get some bloods done, so I may go do that. We shall see how tomorrow pans out. I just can’t wait until Tues when I get paid so I can go and do something and get on with xmas shopping.

Peace out


Writing helps me make sense of my brain

I was going to post some pictures of the last few weeks but my laptop is being so slow! and it’s really irritating so I shall try again tomorrow.

Feeling much better today, I think writing yesterday really helped me to work through everything that was going through my head. It got it all out an I have things that I can work on to help.

I actually slept well last night πŸ™‚ probably for the first time in a while.

Woke up with really achy legs, my leg muscles are always so so sore the day after I do my injection 😦 but they didn’t feel better until I had a little nap.

Got myself showered and dressed and on days like this I am so grateful of my shower stool because there was no way I could of had a shower without sitting this morning, my legs hurt too much.

Didn’t feel confident enough to take my stick out with me today even though I should have. I managed without it ok though.

I met L and the boys in town, L treated me to a tattoo πŸ™‚ I love it so much and I so needed a bit of pain therapy! Was good fun

After we slowly made our way back to L’s picked up the pup and went to the park for a few hours, which was good.

Headed back to mine, all my furkids were happy to see me πŸ™‚

Did the house work, so I don’t have to do it tomorrow. Went and got stuff to make dinner with next week and picked up my prescription.

Just been relaxing this evening watching CSI Vegas and playing with my furkids πŸ™‚

Having a nice roast dinner tomorrow at L’s so looking forward to that, can’t beat a good roast.

Think I am going to do a little bit of colouring in my book before getting myself to bed.

11873967_10155854556405456_1074638198_nΒ our tattoo’s πŸ™‚

Peace out


Back on track :)

Sat here on a Saturday night feeling better then I did when I last posted on Thursday. My shoulder is really achy though and it’s uncomfortable.

Friday was just a miserable day all around, the weather was horrible! It rained and was grey all day long it looked like a winters day, not a hint of summer at all. All the non sleeping at night caught up with me and I ended up sleeping away most of the day and I did feel better for it πŸ™‚

I did manage to get the dogs out for a bit when the rain had finally stopped for a moment. It was nice to get out, I found Β£2 but I also had an argument with a complete prick of a dog owner! Basically he made me panic when my dogs ran up to him and his dog, thinking his dog didn’t like small dogs, anyway I ended up just losing my shit with him and just shouting at him because he really annoyed me and just got my back right up.

Anyway in the evening by about 9 pm I realised that I needed to centre myself, calm myself right down and just be back in the moment. So I sat down and did some mindfulness to help me get back on track, I coloured in a mandala πŸ™‚ And wow did it make all the difference! I felt so much better. I even sat down and wrote out my plan for the next week and even set myself some goals, things that I’ve been meaning to do, like read stuff on my kindle, do some research on making youtube videos about transitioning etc. This boy is motivated and back on track πŸ™‚ and you know what it is totally ok to have a melt down now and again, as long as I always get back on track I’ll be fine.

I didn’t get to bed until late but that was fine because, I would have woken up for the 1st time about that time lol.

Slept well-ish and only woke up once, which is an improvement on previous nights this week.

Just relaxed this morning, I was going to go out with L and the boys but L was ill again.

Eventually got myself showered and dressed and met a guy to sell some lego mini figures too and made myself Β£8. Went to the shop an got lunch and a drink to take out, I may have a little bit bought a Lego set! LOL! It was a 3in1 set so worth the money πŸ™‚

Got myself and the pups ready and we went to Hamworthy park for the afternoon. We were out for about 3 hours, it was really nice just sitting by the sea with foxy, while scrappy was playing about in the water πŸ™‚ did a bit of mindfulness while we were out, it’s such the perfect setting to be totally in the moment and at one with nature and the pups totally needed the exercise and we all needed the fresh air.

I was so shattered when I got in, but I still had the energy to sit and play with my new Lego, I sat and put all 3 of the creatures together that can be made from this one set, there was a dragon, scorpion and a snake. The dragon was definitely my favourite and I’ll be making him again πŸ™‚

Put my dinner on and just tidied up a bit while it was cooking, I do the house work properly tomorrow. I ate most of my dinner and the pups finished it off for me.

Just been catching up online and relaxing, I made a group on fb called pets are the best therapy πŸ™‚ and it’s going well so far, as it my group called mixed breed dogs.

I have no solid plans or any real idea of what to do tomorrow but I’ll just go with the flow and it will probably be pretty much the same as today which is fine with me.

That’s it for now but here’s a few pictures

Β Scrappy wanting to play ball even though its bedtime

Β Foxy girl happy for bedtime

Β Harley saying hello this morning πŸ™‚

Β Barrel jellyfish washed up!

Β Scrappy having a swim

Β Scrappy waiting for my to skim more stones for him to chase

Β Miss Foxy girl happy to be out in the sun πŸ™‚


Peace out


Poorly boy…again! Tummy bug hits batman ;)

Urgh this week hasn’t been so great so far and it’s only Wednesday lol.

Well Monday was ok, Lou and the boys came over for the afternoon, we were going to go out for a walk but the weather was a bit weird. It was really muggy and it kept raining on and off, it was giving me such a bad headache.

They all came up to Flirt with me before peeps from group got there and we had something to eat. I managed to get a picture of all 3 pups sat together πŸ™‚ it was sooo cute!

Group was good, had fun chatting to everyone and met a few new peeps πŸ™‚ so that was cool.

Tues morning was ok, my brother came over in the morning with Leo. It was my brothers birthday so I blew up a couple of balloons for him lol just messing about πŸ™‚ but Harley popped both of them and scared herself both times! He liked his present (considering he picked it lol) We just chatted for a bit and he left to meet our step dad.

I started sorting myself out to get ready to go to my 1:1 but I started to get sulphur/eggy burps. I had a shower and came over feeling not well, my stomach was killing me and I felt a bit sicky. So I knew at some point I was either going to be sick or have diarrhoea and I really didn’t want to sit on a hit sticky bus for 45 mins there and 45 mins back again feeling really unwell! So sadly I had to cancel my 1:1 gender counselling and re-book for two weeks time. I went to bed and went to sleep for a few hours and I did end up having diarrhoea for most of the day. I spent the rest of the day either sat on the toilet or fast asleep. My lovely brother went to the shop and got a few bits for me, which was cool. Although he bought me a massive family pack of cornflakes instead of just a small box lol! but hey he did me a favour so can’t complain. I managed to take the pups out too so they could pee.

I was in bed by 10:30 pm, I’d taken my meds and pain meds, I put on a film just in case I couldn’t get to sleep as I’d been asleep most of the day and I was surrounded by all my furkids. It didn’t take me long at ALL to get to sleep and for the first night in AGES I slept right through without waking up once and I didn’t get up till gone 8 am! WOOHOO! πŸ™‚

Today I felt much better then yesterday but I just felt totallywashed out. I did have some breakfast this morning but ended up sleeping for most of the morning lol. But I totally forgot I arranged to meet a friend, when I woke up I apologise profusely and I felt so so awful. But we have rearranged to meet up next week instead πŸ™‚

I did eventually manage to do a bit of house work, have a shower and I took the pups just across the road for 30 mins so they could have a run about. While we were over there foxy was saying hello to another dog and scrappy came along and pissed on this other dogs head lol! He’s so embarrassing, luckily the owner was ok about it.

Just chilled out this afternoon, played a bit of Lego Batman 3, going through the free play. Tried to have a bit of dinner but couldn’t eat it all so pups ate the left overs. I took the across the road again for a lil run as they did spend most of the day yesterday at home with me.

Just chilled out this evening, feeling really tired and washed out still. Hoping I feel much better so I can go to group tomorrow, going to get my brother to take me to the doctors and back in the morning so I can drop off my sharps box and get my new one.

That’s it for now ❀

IMAG7263Β Scrappy, Foxy and their friend Arnie πŸ™‚

Peace out


Family BBQ

Last night I didn’t get to sleep till gone 2 am πŸ™‚ and I slept pretty well.

Slept until gone 9 am, got up had breakfast and fell back to sleep on the sofa until like 12/1 pm lol…I totally needed it though.

Just chilled out listening to music and stuff, eventually got showered and dressed and that was only because I was going out, otherwise I would probably have stayed in my boxers and vest top for a few more hours lol. Totally obsessed with Lazy by Bruno Mars πŸ˜€

Spent the afternoon at my aunts house for my lil cousins 6th birthday party, we had a BBQ with the fam and that was really nice πŸ™‚ hard having people refer to me as she and using my birth name… just means I need to start telling the rest of the fam as clearly the mothership isn’t going to fucking bother or whatever. But anyway it was really nice πŸ™‚

I got in about 8:30 pm to my happy pups, so I had a piss and took the pups for a walk, as they’d been in all day. We went on our usual walk and didn’t get back until 10 and the pups have pretty much been asleep since.

Just been chilling watching tv and taken ages to write this short post lol.

My lil miss foxy girl has gunky eyes at the mo, so going to try a wet teabag on them as a home remedy before I have to take her to the vets, so I am hoping this will work.

I got NO plans for tomorrow πŸ˜€ gonna chill in my boxers ALL DAY! Nah I’ll prob take the pups out at some point, but I totally need to just relax πŸ™‚

Peace out


I’ve been a poorly boy. Also #LoveWins

So the last few days have not been cool! But I am on the mend and on the up once again..mostly.

Wednesday was rough I couldn’t get going, I managed to get to my hospital appointment at the hospital 4 mins late…but I got there. And ended up being there for 2 freaking hours! Had another x-ray on my teeth, did all the pre-op stuff and hopefully I will get a date soon to get two teeth out under general anesthetic.

My bro picked me up, went to see his new place for a bit. Went with him to pick up his gf from work and we sat by the sea in the car for a bit, which was nice.

All afternoon though I was NOT feeling good, I kept feeling sick but I thought that was because I didn’t eat much. As the day went on my stomach pains got so bad, I couldn’t eat any dinner. I was in agony! spent all night up and down with a bad stomach from both ends πŸ˜₯ and eventually settled to sleep.

So yeah that’s Erythromycin making me feel so ill…so after a few phone calls with my GP (Thursday) he said I can try Azithromycin to get rid of this infection. Need to pick it up from the chemist and give it a bash.

Thursday I spent most of the day sleeping and just resting. I was SO gutted I had to miss group though 😦 but I felt so so rough. I managed to get to the shops to get myself a few bits, lucozade, crackers and some other stuff I needed. Also managed to shave my hair off number 1 all over cuz it was pissing me off and had a nice refreshing shower πŸ™‚ and I managed to take the pups across the road for an hour in the evening. I did keep some food and drink in me as well so that was good. A pretty boring rough day but I got through it.

Today has been ok, my stomach still feels a lil sore but I think I pulled my stomach muscles when I was sick and I’m probably still a bit hungry, I’ve only managed to eat a little today but I’ll get back on track.

I slept ok-ish, I was up early but I fell asleep on the sofa for a bit. Cleaned up the entire flat and did 4 loads of washing. Had a nice shower and took pups across the road for a run before I went out with my Bro and step dad to the pub for a quick drink for my step dads birthday which was really nice.

Chilled out watching Friends for a bit, played 3 hours of Lego Batman 3, had some dinner..literally like a few bites lol watched OITNB (Orange is the new black)

The pups were bugging me, jumping on me and just generally trying to get my attention lol! So I ended up taking them for a for and we were out for an hour and a half, it was really nice to get out and the pups loved it and they’ve been sleeping for ages now πŸ™‚

Just be catching up online, watching OITNB and writing this πŸ™‚

It’s nearly 1 am now and I am feeling so much better then I have done the last 2 days πŸ™‚ nothing can beat this boy!

Tomorrow I am going to my lil cousins 6th Birthday party BBQ late afternoon so should be fun.

I am so proud of the USA! Equal marriage for all in all 50 states! History has been made #lovewins

Peace out


Climbing up the ladder down the hole

Today is the UK’s general and local elections. I did my bit and voted πŸ™‚ especially for all those woman who fought for the right for woman to vote! Not voting would be a slap in the face for those woman. It is SO important even though the prediction right now is a hung parliament which is not good. I just don’t want another 5 years under Mr Cameron and I hope that UKIP do not get in because they will be the down fall of this country. Well that is my view anyway, I’m not following it now because it’s stressing me out lol and I need to relax now, I’ve done my bit. Lets just hope that the people of the UK have enough brains to VOTE and vote for the party that will work for them…apart from UKIP…they are SCUM and only people without a brain vote for them!

I struggled getting going this morning, I was SO fatigued and in so much pain and I really didn’t want to go anywhere! But I did manage to peel myself up from the sofa, take the pups out and drop them home before heading out to group. I’m pleased I managed to get out, I really needed it.

Group was good, heavy at the start. But it was really good and I felt like we all started to gel a bit more and come together a bit more, which was really nice πŸ™‚ and SO what the group is about and what I want from the group. I felt like I was more honest and open today with myself and everyone in group, this is a big step for me and hopefully I can continue.

I went home to pee and see the pups before I headed back out to vote.

I’ve just spent this evening relaxing, my brother skyped me, a friend rang and text me asking advice and stuff πŸ™‚ it’s been a nice evening. And nice that me and my bro can be friends and that I am starting to build new friendships with others πŸ™‚ Just what I need

Got the Weymouth group tomorrow afternoon and I’m really looking forward to helping out with that. I just really hope the morning is less stressful then this morning, as it just makes things SO much harder.

Nearly midnight now and I have yet to take the pups out to pee, take my meds and get myself ready for bed. I think I will be off shortly after posting.

Peace out