Saturday Afternoon Walk

The sunshine has finally arrived! and Saturday afternoon it was beautiful. The sun was shining and it was a bit chilly but it was a perfect day for a dog walk.

I was feeling pretty indecisive and a bit agitated, I wanted to do something but wasn’t sure what.

I finally managed to make a decision and force myself to go out. I grabbed my bag and Scrappy and we went for a walk.

We were out for a few hours and I got some great pictures, Scrappy had himself a great time. He swam in the sea, ran through the mud, played with other dogs and kids, found a ball… like he always does lol! He looked like a swamp dog when we got home and had a shower.

I felt good for getting out, I always do. It’s just getting out that sometimes I really struggle with, but always love being out.

I love photography and only use my iPhone, here are some shots I took. I hope you like them.

Peace out

Zak

A day in the life of a trans guy – 5 weeks post op Top surgery

Yesterday, my friend and I went up to my last post op appointment in Plymouth.

It went really well, the blood clot that he initially said would need to be drained at this appointment had gone, he said my body had absorbed it which is good. That meant not having to have a big needle stuck in my side! haha. That side is still a bit puffy but he said it will go down in time, it will take a few months for my body to properly heal itself.

The nurse cleaned around my scars and got rid of all the sticky patches from the tape and dressings and my surgeon picked off the scabs on my nipples and I got to see my new shiny, pink nipples properly for the first time! and they look pretty damn good.

As parts of my chest is still numb and hypersensitive, I’ve got to keep touching the area so wake it and stop it being so sensitive.

I DON’T HAVE TO BIND ANYMORE! WOO! The first thing I did when I got back into town, was go get my haircut! and man that felt great. Went to a new barbers and wow had the best haircut and service ever. I got home and jumped straight in the shower and that was the best shower in the world! It felt great! I finally feel clean again! and then I threw the binder away!

My chest, ribs and back are sore and stiff from binding and a bit from surgery too, so I’ve been doing gentle stretches to loosen my muscles up a bit. I’ve also been trying to consciously walk with a better posture, as the binder and pre surgery I walked hunched up, which isn’t helped with the sore muscles. A surprising side effect of a better posture is a better mood, I feel great when I’m standing properly, I don’t feel like I have to hide away anymore. I can walk tall and proud.

I feel like I’m finally getting back into the swing of life again, I’ll probably go back to volunteering in a week or two, although I’ll need to do a sort of trial shift, just to see how I get on, as I don’t want to push my body too much before its ready.

It’s been a long hard road to get here today but I did it and I’m so glad I held on, even when it felt impossible and so far out of reach.

Life can finally start!

Peace out

Zak

The light at the end of the darkness

I feel happy again and I can say that now and actually mean it.

Just a few months ago I was in the darkness, struggling to get through a day. At times I felt so tired, I just didn’t want to keep going.

I recognised that it’s not that I wanted to die, I just needed the pain to end.

At that time if you had told me to just hold on because you’ll soon be surrounded by some amazing people and you’ll soon be having top surgery, I probably wouldn’t have believed you.

My world was so dark, I just couldn’t see that there would ever be light and happiness again in my life.

But sat here now late at night, I feel happy, I feel content, I feel understood, I feel connected, I feel loved, I feel like I’m wanted. And it’s the most amazing feeling ever because I don’t feel I’ve ever really experienced it, I’ve never been around a group of friends who encourage each other, genuinely care about each other, have different passions and talents, who build each other up, help each other without question.

Most of my past friendships have come with conditions and they were about what I could offer, non of those friendships have endured and non of them really helped me grow, but they opened my eyes to the fact my kind nature attracts damaged souls and can easily be taken advantage of.

But now it feels different and for that I am eternally grateful, I let myself be vulnerable and open, which was scary but it’s paid off.

I know these people won’t all be in my life permanently and I’m ok with that, I know we were brought together to help each to continue to grow through our each individual journeys, by coming together as a collective, who’s knows where this will take us in 6 months/ a years time.

Its already helped me and started to heal some of the hurt I was carrying inside, I feel happy, I want to live, I’m actually excited about life now, I want to start looking to the future and what that will bring.

The only changes I made was I let myself be open and vulnerable and fuck that was scary but it’s something I’m going to continue to do, so I can keep experiencing life and hopefully new friendships and opportunities will arise.

You know who you are and I’m so grateful 💜

And to everyone in my life, know I love you, I appreciate you and I support you 💜

Peace out

Zak

A day in the life of a trans guy – Lower surgery appointment

Yesterday I went to see the Doc that will be doing my lower surgery.

It went really well, he’s happy for it to be done from my arm.

But because of previous bone fractures and my physical health stuff I need to have a scan of my wrists to check the blood flow. As where they take a vein out ( to use for the pee tube) the remainder of them needs to be strong enough to carry enough blood through to keep my hand alive and also I may have problems with my body rejecting the skin grafts cuz of physical health stuff but other than that everything should go well and I’ll be referred back for a proper appointment as this was just an information appointment but useful to have especially with my complications.

I also now know exactly what I want done, as there are various different ways to do this surgery, which is good. I’m so excited for this part of my journey. One thing I will share about the details of the surgery is, at the time of the first lower surgery op I’m going to have a full hysterectomy, removing everything. The other details are a bit more intimate and sensitive, but I will share it at some point.

I’ll now have to be officially referred for lower surgery, I have to be seen within 12 months of the referral, although if they’re busy they can extend it. But I’m focusing on getting through top surgery first and try to not get too excited about the next step.

So exciting!!! 🥳🥳🥳

^ one of the many trains I took with my friend yesterday

Peace out

Zak

Self care – Being brave and asking for help

Dinner date and movie with myself tonight.

Something I’ve not done in a while, been too caught up with the negative stuff in my head, I forgot to love and take care of myself. Trying my best to get back on track.

I also did something that was huge for me this week… I asked for help and close friends will know this, it’s something I do very rarely and avoid where possible.

But in August I’m finally getting top surgery done 🙂 and I’m going to need help during recovery from more then one person. As it’s a lot to ask from one person, so I was brave and created a group chat. I was so scared that I would be rejected and everyone would be too busy to help but to my surprise everyone was just amazing and everyone was so happy for me and more then happy to help.

It’s such a huge relief to know I have people around me that love and care for me. I always knew I had friends but I’d convinced myself I wasn’t good enough to have real friends and eventually if you tell yourself something long enough you believe it.

I need to work on my self esteem and self worth, this is definitely going to help 🙂 I’m not as lonely as I thought I was.

I’m going to try and trust more and open my heart more. I’m always standing in the way of myself, I need to move out of my way.

💜💜💜

Peace out

Zak

2018 – What a year!!!

Yet another year is nearly over and 2019 is just on the horizon.

Its been another year full of ups and downs and for the most part its been an absolutely incredible time.

March was probably the most eventful months of this year, I got snowed in on my birthday due to storm beast from the east, two weeks after my birthday my 3rd nephew came into the world, I changed my name to Zak and the end of March was when I started a relationship with someone I’d been getting to know for a few months.

That was the start of an incredible 7 months and despite how things have ended I wouldn’t change a single thing.

The summer weather definitely made up for the freezing cold, snowy March. Summer was crazy hot! For months! And England qualified for the semifinals for the first time in forever!

I applied for and got my first passport in this millennium! My last passport ran out 14 years ago! I now have valid ID… which I’ve not needed yet 😂

I took my partner and my dogs on my first holiday in 10 years. We went to Dawlish in Devon, it’s such a beautiful part of the country. It was so nice to get away and that’s probably where I knew I was in love with this lovely human being.

Then came the Eminem concert at Twickenham stadium with my best friend. It was such an incredible experience, once in a lifetime opportunity! Just amazing.

End of July I had my first consultation for top surgery! Which is great!! I’ve picked a surgeon, I just need to chase up about a second appointment.

Towards the end of the summer, my partner and I went to Rize Festival in Chelmsford, which was an amazing experience as I’d never been to a festival before. It was insane! But so much fun, we saw some amazing artists like Rita Ora, Manic street preachers, Rag n bone man, James bay, Bastille many others. But my favourite by far was seeing Plan B! He was on fire! I definitely want to go to another festival again!!

In September I did something that made me hugely anxious but I braved it and I’m glad I did. I went to London, to a spiritual channeling to meet my beautiful, wonderful friend Pamela in real life. We’ve known each other for 10 years + but we’d never actually met. But when we met all my anxiety left, it felt like we’d known each other forever, I so didn’t want to let her go. I’m so pleased I went, it was amazing and just what I needed.

Towards the end of September, things sort of unravelled but that’s life. Things ended with my partner, mainly because I know exactly what I want and they were unsure. No point either of us wasting each other’s time, but we’re still friends, we still talk, even though sometimes I find it hard, I’m grateful we still talk.

We had an incredible 6 months together, made amazing memories together and despite what happened those things will never change. We will always have those memories together.

Sometime in the summer I quit my volunteer work, I was no longer getting anything from it and felt like I wasn’t being treated fairly and felt like my mental health was used against me and I was just surrounded by toxic people which is never good for anyone.

But I now volunteer at pause cat cafe as a cat care person, which basically means I make sure all 12 cats are happy and healthy, fed on time, clean up behind them and obviously have lots of snuggles and play time. It’s good fun 🙂

As in previous posts I’ll be starting the new year without certain people who I’ve removed from my life, which is good but scary, as I feel like I don’t really have anyone.

Anyway here’s to another year, I don’t know what’s in store but we’ll see.

^ what a difference a year makes

Peace out

Zak

Where does my inspiration come from?!

I’ve been thinking today that I haven’t had any inspiration to write for a while and it’s weird that some weeks I can write a lot but other times not at all.

I mean yeah there’s something I could have written about but it would have mainly been out of anger. I am still considering writing about it but I need to think about how best to frame it so it’s productive and helpful. I have a few ideas, but they need a bit more consideration first.

I have a half written blog that got interrupted with life and it’s something I want to finish but I can’t get back into the flow of it, so may start it again. As I don’t want the rest of it to feel forced so it may be better starting off fresh.

I don’t know where my inspiration comes from, it just kinda happens. Maybe I need to pay attention more to those moments.

I’ve felt a bit detached yesterday and today, so that’s maybe why I’ve had little inspiration to write.

I just feel really tired, I’ve eaten far too much, which is a bad habit. I either over eat or I don’t eat at all, I find it hard to get balance. I think I feel sluggish because I’ve eaten too much.

This post had no real direction, but it’s good to write to work stuff through.

I’m doing pretty well though, life is good, I’m continuing to work on myself and I’m reading a bit every day, which is all good.

I’m proud of how far I’ve come over the years and I’m far from prefect, whatever that is. But I’ll always be a work in progress and I’ll always strive to work through whatever life throws at me.

Peace out

Zak

Positive actions and Positive thoughts, helped me get out of feeling so miserable.

This morning I woke up in a funky mood, I was still tired after a shit nights sleep and my hips were still sore.

I spent until nearly 5pm sitting about feeling shit and just making myself feel a hundred times worse.

So I got off my ass, put the spongebob movie on in the background and played bubbles and fetch with my dogs and had cuddles with them and the cats.

I started feeling less grumpy and miserable.

My sister in law and two of my nephews popped in briefly, so that was nice 🙂

Then I decided to sort through all the shit I want to sell, as I’m doing a carboot soon.

I bagged up all the Lego sets I’m selling and then I cleaned the shelves and cleaned all my big Lego sets that I’m keeping.

I moved my crystals and stones into the bedroom where they have a whole shelf and arranged them all. Which felt really good, as the other shelf they were on was really cluttered and disorganised.

I took down the 2 canvases I’m selling, which then led me on to taking down all my posters but my signed tank girl poster.

My place looks pretty naked now and I still need to rearrange a few bits so they place looks right. But it feels good to have less clutter and the place looks less like a little boy lives there.

At the moment I’m just sat outside with the dogs, we’ve played with more bubbles, now they’re both just running about chasing each other.

I feel a hundred percent better then I did this morning, I feel more myself. I feel more awake.

Sitting around feeling miserable is fine for a bit, but the length of the suffering is dependent on whether or not you want the suffering to end or to just continue.

Cuz yeah sitting around feeling miserable and feeling sorry for myself is easy, it requires nothing.

But I chose to stop feeling miserable, because I felt like I was being a silly kid having a tantrum over literally nothing.

So I decided to change the course of my day by changing the negative thoughts into positive actions and guess what!? Negative thoughts have gone away and I feel much better.

I’m not saying this will work for me every time because sometimes yeah I’m entitled to feel miserable and it’s good to sit with those emotions and to process them and work through them.

But this is not how I wanted my week to start off.

Positive actions have positive reactions and a simple action can change your whole day.

“Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional” today I totally understand what that quote means!

Life is only good if you want it to be good. But a good life doesn’t just land in your lap, you have to start with positive actions to get the life that you want.

After all, all most of us want is to be happy. That’s definitely at the top of my list. I just want happiness and I’m working at it 🙂

Peace out

Zak

A day in a life of a trans guy – Gender Identity Clinic

Woohoo 🙌🏻 I’m on the coach home! And it’s not raining hard, so glad I missed the downpour.

Appointment at the gender clinic went really well, the doctor was super friendly, really nice and proactive.

First of all she’s going to write to my GP and say I should be having a ECG and bone density scan once a year not just because of testosterone but because of my other medications and she wants to make sure everything is properly kept an eye on which is great.

She’s also going to say that I can do my testosterone injections myself, as my gp decided that it wasn’t protocol for me to do so…. even though that’s exactly why I chose sustanon in the first place. Just makes life easier.

But the big news is that she said that top surgery is undoubtedly what I need 😁 so that’s my first yes!!!

The downside is that my next appointment could be between 6-12 months 😭 but she’s going to speak to the doc who gave me my second yes for testosterone, to discuss what he thought when I saw him and what she thought of our appointment today then he could potentially give me my second yes for top surgery, which means I won’t need a second appointment. So I’m hoping he’ll agree with her and it will be straight forward.

All I have to do is pick a surgeon 😁

Im feeling optimistic about not having to have a second official appointment! So fingers crossed peeps ☺️

I really hope I don’t have to wait for a second appointment as I need this surgery so bad! Literally my life depends on it. I know it won’t cure the dysphoria but it will help me start to accept my body as it is, which will help me feel happier and more comfortable in my own skin.

Some people will think its elective surgery which in a sense it is. But to me it’s essential to my whole being.

I’ve wanted this for so so long, since before I came out as trans, I’ve never liked having female attributes, ever since puberty. I just never understood it.

My body has never felt like it belonged to me, it felt and still feels somewhat alien to me. But with chest surgery then hopefully I’ll actually feel like I belong in this skin of mine.

I know I’m already the real me, I just can’t wait to feel like the real me.

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 42 on T

Where to start, everything is going well at the moment. I’m feeling good and things are moving forward.

Tomorrow I have my fasting blood test for my T levels first thing and by the end of the week I should know if my levels are ok or not. I’m still not sure if they are completely right or not but we shall see.

A big thing happened this week, after the group I volunteer at I had an appointment to have my wild hair cut. I needed to change my top as I wear a certain top to get my haircut. I was in the local library and I decided to go into the men’s toilets to change, as I knew it would be pretty quite. Its the first ever time I’ve been in the men’s toilet! I felt pretty proud of myself. It was a bit scary but I’m so pleased I did it! Another big step in my transition, I’m so happy to be moving forward.

I won’t be writing a blog next week as I’ll be away for 5 days, I’m super excited!

Week 42 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak