Toxic positivity

What is toxic positivity? Well its this

Its something I experience a lot from others but also I do it myself. I invalidate my own feelings, mainly because I get sick to death of feeling so shit all the time, I just try and fake it till I make it, but that’s such a bad thing. As it doesn’t acknowledge or validate your situation and feelings and without that validation then how you feel will often last longer as your not being true to yourself.

It’s also something that I have really noticed recently in the spiritual/new age community and its not cool. Over the last few months I’ve felt increasingly like I don’t belong in the spiritual community because I’m not as knowledgeable, I’m not spiritual enough, I’m too depressed etc the list goes on. No matter what religion/community you belong too, it shouldn’t make you feel like an outsider. It should be a place of love and unity but its not and I’ve found that it’s just full of fakes, who say one thing but who’s actions are the complete opposite of what they speak and I’m not ok with that. That’s not the type of people I want to be associated with, so I decided to leave every facebook page and group I belonged to and remove most people from that community off my facebook.

I was sick of seeing the streams and streams and positive shit, I mean I love my quotes and stuff but it got to the point where seeing all this stuff was making me feel more worthless then I already do because everyone in these groups makes living life and being happy seem so fucking simple, its like they all know this secret to a happy life but aren’t allowed to tell me, I’ve just got to put up with seeing the fake stuff, oh just meditate and you’ll be happy, connect to your higher self and you’ll have all these special gifts… and yeah it all feels so unobtainable to someone like me, who’s on my own and I don’t have anyone to guide me or teach me.

It was just all getting to be really overwhelming and then its like all of a sudden I saw just how self centred and fake everyone is because life isn’t fucking perfect no matter how spiritual you are because your still here living the human experience. I often feel that there’s a sense of superiority within the community, because they have all these gifts and whatever that they are better then everyone.

This is all just how I feel and it could well be a reflection of how I’m feeling in general right now, but no one’s noticed I’ve left or removed them of my facebook, so kinda makes my point really. Community is meant to care for everyone not some.

I’ve also had a lot of toxic positivity from friends who will over generalise whatever I say by saying oh well everyone is struggling right now, everyone is in the same situation. Which while yes its true, that doesn’t make me feel good and I struggle to open up to people and be vulnerable and tell people the truth about how I feel. I very rarely express how I really feel because I don’t easily trust people’s words, I often don’t feel safe enough to be honest and the times I have been honest I either get one of 2 reactions. I either get invalidated and they’ll talk in general or the person will over react and in doing that then makes it about them. So either way I often left feeling invalidated, so my automatic response is usually I’m good thanks as it doesn’t invite any more questions. Also I find people want to fix it for you, they listen to reply, they listen to help and that’s not always helpful either. Being heard by someone can make you feel 10 times better then any advice as often all I want it be heard, acknowledged and validated and sometimes that’s all anyone needs.

I know I am a rescuer type personality and its something I have become very aware of over the last few years and its really hard walking away from people but constantly rescuing something is draining. But its so hard not to rescue people, not go above and beyond to help people just to make myself feel better, to make myself feel useful and worthy. But I can’t rescue the world when I can barely rescue myself.

I’m not completely sworn off spirituality despite the situation I find myself in, I still have my spiritual beliefs and I will still be open to learning more. I just don’t want to be stuck in a box or community, I want to explore what’s out there. I will always try to be one with earth and the universe.

Maybe this post has helped you recognise toxic positivity, whether that’s because you’ve experienced it or are guilty of it. Which I think we all are to a degree, non of us are perfect.

Keep being authentic

Peace out

Zak

Grumpy boy

The last couple of weeks have been a bit of a struggle, I’ve been feeling so agitated, grumpy, achy and exhausted. A lot of it has to do with having stopped taking trazadone, which is slowly working its way out of my system.

I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed by everything as well. I’ve taken a bit of a step back from life, by not answering messages straight away, as it feels too much and I just need that time and space and also taken a step back from people, some days the thought of having other people near me, especially a lot of people almost feels like a physical pain, which is really hard to explain Even just going to the shops to get food is difficult and I put it off until I really have to go. I also feel like I need a protective bubble around myself as I’m always nervous about people being near me, touching me etc, especially random people I don’t know.

Being just on my own is so much easier, as I don’t have to explain myself, or feel like I have to perform, or be happy or whatever. I can just be grumpy and irritable, without upsetting anyone by accident.

Its just much less pressure and feels freeing. 1:1 with someone isn’t as daunting, I think my social anxiety has really been kicking in due to coming off my meds. But I’m sure with a little time and patience I’ll be alright again. Just need to give myself some space to breathe.

I get so frustrated with myself for feeling grumpy and irritable and I know its usually because I’m trying to stop myself from feeling low, as if I let myself feel low, its a hard work to make myself feel better again. So I fight against just allowing myself to feel how I feel, which just makes the whole process longer, then if I just let myself feel sad in the first place!

I’ve also come to realise that I’m an introvert, I also used the think I was a bit of an extrovert. But I don’t think I am at all. I’m still really quite shy, which has something that has never really changed since I was small. I need my own space to be and recover from social interactions, I prefer my own company, being around lots of people is exhausting.

I think because I am quite good at coming across who is someone who is fairly confident but I’ve spent my life being my own advocate to get what I need from services, mainly hospitals/doctors etc.

But yeah I’m a pretty shy, anxiety filled human lol.

Hopefully in the next few weeks when the trazadone has come out of my system fully, I’ll start to feel a bit better again.

I got a SAD lamp, which I’ve been using most days. Haven’t noticed a difference just yet, but I’ll keep with it and maybe use it in the morning rather then the evening.

Peace out

Zak

My Journey from the L to T in LGBT

I saw today on my memories thing that 11 years ago today, I told my mum I was a lesbian. Which now seems hilarious as I feel like such a late bloomer in everything. As a at the time I would have been 23 very nearly 24! and now I’m still figuring out who I am, although I feel like that journey never really ends.

My memory is so rubbish and I just don’t remember these things that should be memorable moments and things I should be able to remember easily but my brain just doesn’t work that way. So Facebook is super helpful, in helping me remember important moments and obviously the not so great ones lol!

So after I saw this particular memory, it got me thinking about my journey over the last 12 years and how far I’ve come. I think its so easy to forget what my life was back then and what it is now and the huge journey and work that’s happened in between and I think the journey I’ve been through hasn’t always been visible or noticeable to those around me.

I hide a lot of things I’m going through, I always have ever since I was small. I was a toxic trait that was learned behaviour from my family. Mainly my from my mum, but again that stuff is passed down through parents. So not necessarily her fault, it’s what she knew and grew up with and she’s still like it a bit now.

I am getting better at expressing myself to those around me, but I still keep a lot to myself. I’m trying my best to live my life authentically and that means being apologetically myself! Even if people think I’m weird, I no longer really care, I know I don’t really fit in and I’m cool with that. I was never meant to fit in anywhere, I was meant to stand out and standing out is hard, because I’ve always tried to fit in, blend in and tried to disappear. But I’m still learning how I am, learning how to stand in my truth, to stand in my power and to shine. It’s a bit scary but I’m kinda starting to like myself for the first time in my life.

From at a fairly young age, I think knew I liked girls but I just always thought of maybe I was looking for a mother figure, as my relationship with my mum was always never close and I always kinda felt not apart of the family I was born in. Always felt like I was the odd one out, so maybe when I was young I was hoping I’d be cute enough and someone would come and take me into their family.

Even as a young teen I was so naive that I only thought men could be gay, I mean sounds so stupid saying that now, but I didn’t grow up with access to the internet and it wasn’t something that was talked about in my family. I just thought being called a lesbian was an insult, didn’t really realise it was an option! LOL! how wrong I was.

I grew up thinking I had to get a boyfriend/husband and that was how it was meant to be, that’s all I grew up seeing. I had like a 2/3 boyfriends, I’ve only had 2 sexual experiences with males and I really didn’t understand why my girl friends were so hyped about sex with guys, cuz I fucking hated it! I thought there was something wrong with me.

As I got older and met different people and experienced life more, I realised there was this whole community of people and my mind was blown! I felt like maybe this is where I fitted in.

It still took a little while for me to actually say I am GAY! I like woman. That was 12 years ago, that I finally was like, nope I’m not going to keep trying to fit in with what I was taught is expected of me. That felt great, it felt like I was being me and not hiding anymore.

It was 8/2/2009 that I finally told my mum, that I had a girlfriend and I don’t think she was shocked and she accepted it. I vividly remember telling my dad and he was like yeah I knew! lol, I remember saying why didn’t you tell me! Would have made things a bit easier! But its the journey I had to go through I suppose.

It took until around Sept 2014 to start questioning my gender and I don’t remember what triggered that particular process. At that point I had 2/3 people that I was friends with, knew of who’d starting transitioning from female to male, which me being the naive person I am again never knew that was a possibility or something that was obtainable to like anyone.

This is why representation in the media whether it be tv, film, music, books etc is SO important! Not only does it help educate people, it helps people feel less like a freak and an outcast.

During this time I wrote a lot, I talked a lot within the LGBT mental health group I attended, I talked with close friends at the time. I went to a Trans group and it didn’t really take long for things to slot in place and for me to realise that I am not and never was a female and that’s why I’ve always hated my body with a passion, why I’ve never felt comfortable within myself and just explained so many other things.

At the time only close friends knew about this part of my life, as I wanted time to figure myself out. I didn’t want to rush such an important life changing decision.

But the day after my 30th birthday in 2015, I messaged everyone on my FB list to explain that I am transgender and I will now be going my male pronouns. I had such an out pouring of love and support, I was honestly taken aback. I was really shocked and I’ve always had that support from people around me, yes sure it took people some time getting used to pronouns and stuff and I had every weird questioned asked under the sun but ultimately everyone just wanted me to be happy.

I don’t remember when I told my mum but I do remember she didn’t really have a lot to say about it and even now, 5 years down the road its not something she openly talks about to me, doesn’t ask me questions. So I still really don’t know how she feels about it all, which is sad because I want to know how she feels, I mean I know she loves me in her own way because she’s my mum but I don’t know if she’s proud of me. It’s not like I haven’t tried but she’s really hard to communicate with because if she doesn’t want to talk about something she just doesn’t respond, so end of conversation. I can’t have a conversation with someone who just won’t reply, just shuts that shit down straight away.

I think that hurts more because my dad is no longer here and I can’t ask him about what he thinks, does he still love me, is proud of me etc. I think we all need that approval from our families, from our parents no matter how old we get. Even though I don’t really know what she thinks about my transition, its never stopped me. Because I am an adult (I think, in age only! lol) But deep inside I do just wish she would express her feelings to me about my transition, mainly so I can have that connection with her. But also so I know she approves too.

But as I mentioned feelings, thoughts and emotions were something that just wasn’t talked about in our house and to be honest nothing really was. Looking back now it’s probably a big part of why I felt so disconnected from my family as love and emotions weren’t expressed. It’s almost like it was a business arrangement that these 4 humans were living together, aliens from another planet who didn’t know what regular human emotions were. Maybe it’s why I’ve always struggled to connect with myself.

Now I just try and meet my mum where she is, I don’t mention my transition as its pointless. She’ll never be what I want her to be and that’s hard to accept as I maybe nearly 35 but I still need my mum and I still want her to be the mother I need her to be. But that’s not who she is and I’ll never get that out of her and she hasn’t unlearnt her learnt behaviours picked up from her parents, she doesn’t yet have that awareness and maybe she never will and that’s cool. We all have our journeys and everyone’s path is different and everyone does things at different times and in different ways and that’s completely fine. So instead of trying to hold them up to the standard you want them to be at, you have to meet them where they are.

Our relationship is less stressful now because I don’t have these expectations of her, I just accept her how she is and its been so much better. I even enjoy hanging out with her now. I maybe see her once every couple of months and that’s cool with me. She’s the only parent I have left, I wanted her in my life, so I had to change how I viewed our relationship in order to have a better one.

Coming out as trans and starting my physical transition has been one of the best things I have ever done, my only regret is that I didn’t realise sooner but its all part of the journey and it happened when it was meant too.

I have learned so much about myself in the last 5 years, that its hard to express. Even though I still feel shy and have low self esteem, I feel confident in that fact I finally know who I am as a person, I feel less disconnected and I feel confident in the fact I am finally standing in my truth.

I’m still learning about who I am and where I fit in this life, I don’t think that ever really stops, as life is always changing and if it isn’t then it means your stuck.

Recently I have been questioning my sexuality a bit, again I think this is a natural part of the process. I think its because testosterone makes you feel like a horny teenage boy! But also, I used to look at guys and wished I was them and now I’m nearer the journey of having lower surgery in the next maybe 2 years, I’m starting to think a lot more about sex and having a penis and what that would look like, feel like etc cuz I’ve been 35 years without one, only ever touched 2 in my life and so its something that’s been on my mind.

Like recently when I watch porn (shocking I know!) I’ve found myself more focused on the guy and what he’s doing with his dick, which got me thinking and questioning, does this mean I want to have sex with men, do I like men? what does this all mean! and I’ve come to the conclusion that no I do not like men in that way, I don’t want to have sex with men, I’m just fascinated and excited for when I get to have sex with woman when I get my penis, which btw is 35 years late! lol and I suppose when I’m watching these videos, that I want to be that guy that’s having sex.

I still look at other guys and think wow they look so manly and fit that’s what I want to look like. But my ass over here is 5ft 3″ a bit chubby from christmas, I hate the gym and working out cuz it’s boring and exhausting. I try and remind myself that no one else looks like me, no one else can be me, I am who I am meant to be no matter what that looks like, as I don’t want to look like everyone else I was born to stand out, born to be me.

I was a bit nervous about writing about watching porn, as you know still can be a bit of a taboo and not something I really discuss with anyone. But fuck it, I’m talking about my journey and my truth and this is me, laid bare.

I don’t know where I’m headed next in life, but I’m going to keep writing, keep being me and hopefully, I’ll be me with a penis before I’m 40!

All I can do it keep standing in my truth, keep talking about my journey and hopefully helping others to stand in their truth and hopefully educating those naive people who don’t know much about the LGBT community.

Peace out

Zak

Keep writing

There’s so much sadness inside that needs to come out. In fact I think if kept writing everyday for the rest of my life it still wouldn’t cover everything I hold deep inside.

I don’t even know enough words to express all the things I’m holding onto.

I can feel them inside just waiting to tumble out onto the tear stained pages of my notebook.

It’s impossible to write it all down, the more I write the more that comes out. Even my own words surprise me sometimes.

Some of the stuff I’m unlocking in my head, I wasn’t aware it was in there. That’s how much I repress and hide my feelings and myself.

I don’t even know myself, or what’s inside that darkness lurking inside.

There’s so much to unravel, so much to look at and try to understand. But hopefully I’ll start learning more about who I am and start loosing my grip on the darkness.

Maybe some hidden things are better off staying hidden, until the time is right for me to learn that particular lesson.

I need to keep writing, to get everything out and untangle the mess inside my head.

For some reason I write best late at night. My mind seems to be clearer, my thoughts seemed to be lined up in order ready to be written out.

Peace out

Zak

DBT rules in times of stress

Not even sure where my head is at right now, I don’t know where to start or what even was right about today! Ok maybe it wasn’t THAT bad but my buttons were pushed today and I did get mega angry and stressed. I am a lot calmer this evening I am worried that tomorrow will be a repeat of today but I shall explain that in a bit.

I was thinking today about Tuesday when I suddenly came over feeling rather ill and it dawned on me that it wasn’t a bug because it was so short lived and a bug would have at least lasted 24 hours. I only had a bad stomach for a few hours and it was the classic symptoms of a reaction to my methotrexate! I haven’t been ill with it for a while so it didn’t click straight away. I’m glad it wasn’t a bug though.

I couldn’t sleep last night, which again is frustrating. I must have woke up at least 4 times and I was finally up by 7 am. I had something to eat, drink, showered and dressed and just straightened up the flat a bit. Took the pups out for a run for half an hour before I headed up to the doctors..

Now the trip to the doctors was a complete waste of time, the chemist had picked up my prescription for my new sharps box. I knew that once I got to the chemist that they would not have the right box as the box I need they do not stock. So the anger and frustration rises. I dropped my full sharps box and the doctors and headed back into town to the chemist.

Got to the chemist and not to my surprise at all they had the wrong size sharps box! Right colour but it was small and it only fits a few of my pens in it and that is at a push. Anger rises while talking to the chemist! I said in future that they are NOT to pick up and prescription for my sharps boxes because they do not stock the right ones and if the receptionists do not write the right prescription I can sort it out there and then at the doctors.

I then had to ring the doctors up and try and explain the situation without totally losing my shit! Which I did but I was so fucking angry and frustrated with them that I just couldn’t hold back the tears, I was that angry I cried! and I’ve not been that angry in a long time. She said she’d sort something out and to ring her back later, at that point in time there was NO FUCKING WAY! I was speaking to any of them again today!

I just sat on the sofa shaking, trying to choke back the tears as it wasn’t long till I was leaving for group and I did not want red eyes. I ended up just sucking my thumb to calm myself down, I totally zoned out just to briefly escape those intense feelings and to let it die down a bit before dealing with it again. I used my DBT skills in a very skilful way to get my feet back on the ground after being on the ceiling and it was really effective.

I composed myself and got myself ready to go to group. On the bus trip there the events of the morning kept going over in my head but I just tried to concentrate on listening to my music and looking out of the window.

Group was good, well the teaching part we were talking about grief. We looked at Worden’s 4 tasks of grief and it was really interesting, sadly we didn’t get through it all but I still have the handout that I might finish reading at some point. Some of the group dynamic stresses me out though and I did text M right after group saying that if she was talking to a certain person because another person had complained then I wanted the chance to have my say on the situation but if I was way off then to ignore me. She didn’t or hasn’t replied just yet but I feel some tensions in the group and it’s hard to find it enjoyable when there are such tensions present and as usual it it involves the same circle of people…so I left group just as stressed as when I went. Which sucks but it’s not going to be perfect when you have a group of people with mental health issues and or learning disabilities.

I was quite glad to get home to my happy pups and my kitty cats 🙂 they are always happy and stress free. I took the pups across the road for half an hour to run about and play.

I had calmed down enough to ring the doctors back up and sort out another prescription to pick up tomorrow. I then had to go down to the chemist to stress to them NOT TO PICK UP THE PRESCRIPTION FOR MY SHARPS BOX! or I may just fucking explode! So fingers crossed for tomorrow and everyone does what they are meant to do and I should be coming home stress free with the RIGHT! sharps box.

Had myself some dinner, just did some little potatoes, beans and cheese 🙂 filled a lil hole.

Spent the rest of this evening chilling, watching some films and taking hours to write this whole story out lol!

I am feeling very tired and my legs are really achy again today but I’m not as angry as I was this morning, just apprehensive about getting my sharps box sorted tomorrow but now use me stressing now because I now cannot control what happens tomorrow.

Going to take the pups out in a min and then get to bed. No solid plans for tomorrow but I could really just use a day to chill. But we shall see.

Peace out

Batman

Happy Easter

Happy Easter or whatever day you make it.

I’ve had a nice day and I slept really well last night.

I spent most of the morning snoozing on the sofa with my babies 🙂 the weather was still grey and I was still sleepy and I had no real plans for today, so yeah I snoozed all morning.

However it wasn’t an entirely lazy day, I did eventually get off my butt and cleaned up the flat like a good boy lol. Had myself a shower and got dressed. The weather had picked up a little so I decided I was going to take the pups for a walk. I had some hot cross buns before we left as I’d only eaten at about 9 am and didn’t want to pass out while we were walking.

I took the pups through the high street down to the quay and around to Baiter. We sat for a bit down where we’d scattered dad 🙂 so that was nice, just sat and talked to him in my head and wished him a happy Easter. Mr Scrappy had lots of fun playing in the water lol chasing stones and just running about like a loon. I was chatting to other dog walkers while the pups played with other dogs, it was so sweet. It was just such a nice walk, we were out for about 2 hours.

When we got in I had to give scrappy another shower lol because he was cold and covered in sand. But he’s nice and fresh now 🙂

Just been chilling out this evening, I went and got myself fish and chips for dinner, I didn’t eat it all but I did my best. I just have no appetite at the moment and still really only eating 3 different foods. But whatever I’m still eating something.

Something odd but cool happened today, an ex and old friend got back in contact with me. But it was nice to hear from here and we’ve been chatting today. It’s nice that we can talk and be friends despite the past, its much easier then hating people. I don’t really hate anyone any more because it doesn’t actually hurt that person you hate it just eats you up inside. Anyway so yeah it was nice to reconnect, after all whatever happened is in the past and not relevant now. I for sure have changed SO so much since then and I’m sure she has as well, so maybe this time we will get on better as friends 🙂

I have a good day ahead of me tomorrow so can’t wait 🙂

Oh I text my mothership today as she owes me some birthday money. She was keeping it for me because I was saving it for a trip but that’s not going to happen any time soon and I really want it to get a chest binder with. So she asked me what I wanted it for and everything I thought of to say, like a tattoo, lego…etc I know she would have disapproved of so I just said it was for a chest binder and her response was “oh” But she’s still going to give it to me so that’s good. I’m going to go see her new flat this week. I’m not really that bothered by her response as I know she’s probably still adjusting to it or whatever, I do wish she was a little more positive and respectful about it. But whatever not much I can do about it. I just don’t have the energy for bullshit. Just going to let her deal with it in her own way and own time.

Feeling really good today, so tired and achy now. Totally paying for being out with the dogs for so long lol but we all really enjoyed it, so it was totally worth it 🙂

 Ps4 fun yesterday lol

 My gorgeous babies on their afternoon walk 🙂

 This is my daddy with my nephew Jack Jack. This was taken April 2011 the last Easter we all spent with my daddy. Happy Easter dad, hope you are still watching over me, Dave, Kimmy, Jack and Leo. I hope you are proud of us all. I hope you don’t mind that I am now your Son, I know you will love and accept me now matter my choices in life. I wish you were here to support me through this, but my little brother has been so great, you’ll be proud of him 🙂 I miss you loads and love you even more ❤

Peace out

Batman ❤

Down the deep dark hole of depression.

I would never want to hurt anyone who has hurt me, revenge is for fools. But I just wished the people that have hurt me could feel my hurt and pain they have caused me. Rather then being so oblivious to it, thinking I am in the wrong about everything. Just because I am finally starting to grow a back bone and standing up for myself. But sometimes I can’t do right for doing wrong. I give my mind, body heart and soul too easily to everyone. I wear my heart on my sleeve. But if I become closed off I get moaned at for being angry and pushing people away. I just can’t get it right whatever I do!

The depression is sometimes so unbearable all I do is sit and cry. I’ve even been waking up in the middle of the night crying my eyes out, waking up with eyes so puffy and red. Yes its probably reactive to things that have been going on lately, but also a crash from being on such a high for 2 months. 

S went home today. I felt so bad because all week I kept myself emotionally distant from him, he was always asking for hugs, which usually would of been fine, but I just couldn’t do it. We hugged a few times, but I was scared of getting close. I used to really like him and want to be with him. But since D, she is the only one in my heart and the only one I want. From the moment S got here I just felt so so depressed as I knew I couldn’t live up to such an exciting time that I had in mind, because I didn’t feel good and I didn’t want to get close. Keep apologizing to him for being so boring and stuff. Yea we did stuff, but not every day. A few days we just watched films. My life is by no means exciting. I don’t do much other then my groups…. Just extremely paranoid and so fucking insecure about myself as a person, questioning everything about me. I don’t know who I am any more. I can’t even say I miss him, I suppose I do, but from when he arrived till when he left I just wished he wasn’t there. That sounds so awful, but I just wanted to hide away from everyone and everything, but I couldn’t. I had to try and be happy and fun. I know I wasn’t the whole time. But its hard trying to fake it.

I feel like such an awful person. So depressed, cutting constantly on my mind. I don’t want to cut because it will just be such a massive step backwards, but I know it will make me feel better. I need to bleed out all the things that make me so nasty and make people hate me. Death seems like such a good option as well. I am so tired of fighting and getting no where. I know death is a permanent solution to what seems like a temporary issue, but this friends shit, just seems to happen over and over and over….which is why I am questioning myself, because I surely can’t be entirely blameless it I must be doing something wrong. I thought I had changed so much, I’m not as angry as I was, I’m more easy going, I’m trying my best to get close to people, but its hard when I keep getting hurt so bad. I do the opposite of what my brain says, because its usually the wrong thing to do. I use my DBT skills to the best of my ability, especially the skills that help you with relationships/friendships. But non of it makes people want to stick around me. I try and try and try and still end up so alone. I just don’t know where I go wrong. Maybe I am too opinionated… I don’t know :/ 

I need to protect myself and my heart. I’m not going to close myself off completely but I’m going to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve and stop being so helpful. If people want something from me then they are going to have to 1st prove they can be a true friend. I am doing nothing for free anymore. 

Feeling extremely down. But I suppose I’ve got to keep my head held high and carry on. 😥

Peace out

Tank girl x

Drowning x

Done all my jobs for the day. I had my hair cut, got my eyebrows waxed, dropped my rent change thing down to the housing office, got some cleaning stuff and cleaned up the flat at bit, got a few bits in town. Then come back and chilled out with the boys Oscar and Simba and watched some dvds.

Externally I put up a great front, getting on with life from day to day, doing the things that need to get done, just acting like everything is all normal. But that’s not how I am really feeling deep down inside. I think I have pushed all my feelings deep down inside, and sometimes it hits me in waves, then goes again away again. Just feel like I’m going through to motions of life, rather then living it. I’m just not even sure how I feel. I feel terrified to let out how I really feel, I’m scared of sinking into my illness and grief and not being able to find my way back out. I’ve lost all sense of self, sense or purpose. I’m scared to embrace how I really feel, it’s so much easier just to ignore how I really feel, and put up a front. Just lost and confused in a sea of feelings, and I feel like I’m drowning. Finding it extremely hard just to explain how I feel….. 

Urgh. 

Peace out

Tank girl x