lockdown life

I am writing this from my new desk and chair! no more sitting uncomfortably on the sofa while writing. Hopefully this will give me the incentive to sit and write more often, although my crippling anxiety and disassociation likes to keep me frozen in one spot but hey, well see how it goes.

I’ve wanted a desk and chair for a long time but to me its never really been a priority, always something I put off and figured at some point I would get them. But here we are, finally able to get my shit together and get stuff I want and need and that will benefit me in the long run.

Lockdown has been good for the fact I’ve been able to save up for certain stuff I’ve wanted/needed, as usually I’m not the best at managing money, I’m not great at forward planning with money either. But without the distractions of life and getting caught up in everything, I’ve been able to focus a bit better on my needs/wants all be it in a material way but its that’s not always a bad thing.

There’s a lot in the flat that I would like to update, like the whole place needs redecorating, I would like a bigger fridge/freezer as mine is quite small, especially the freezer. I need a new mattress as well, so that is the more pressing one as mine is over 10 years old now and isn’t as comfortable as it once was.

Whilst I have and am struggling with certain aspects of lockdown and what feels like total isolation from the rest of the world, I have been able to focus more on certain things, that I was always putting off or too distracted or just thought I couldn’t do on my own. Like build a desk! I am way more capable then I give myself credit for, but my default thought is always, I can’t, I don’t want to get it wrong. Mainly because I was always told as I child I can’t, I’m not good enough, I’m stupid. So I tend not to bother, but right now with no one around to help there’s just me, myself and I and turns out I can do shit on my own and I am good at it. Who knew?! lol

So after I sort out getting a new mattress, I may start saving for some decent tools, a step ladder and get this place looking fresh with a new lick of paint. I wander if they make pet proof paint… cuz my place looks so grubby from those guys and the fact me and scrappy play indoor fetch so there are ball marks on the walls too! lol..

Man it feels good to be sat comfortably, bose headphones on as music always helps me focus, I do my best thinking with music on. Wtf I didn’t do this all sooner I don’t know, I don’t know why I put up with things, like sitting uncomfortably on the sofa to blog for all these years rather then getting a desk and chair. I suppose its a lot to do with how I value myself or maybe I just like to punish myself. Probably a bit of both..

Don’t put shit off, if something will make your life easier, do it! Save that money, make it a priority and do it! You will be kicking yourself for not doing it sooner!

Peace out

Zak

Inner monologue

I wrote this early hours of this morning and thought I’d share the sort of stuff that runs through my brain.

Inner monologue

Body needs to rest but my brain needs that’s physical stimulation which is maybe where/when/why I get so agitated and frustrated as I’m not physically working moving enough and my brain needs that stimulation/sensation in order to be able to focus and function better

But obviously having a chronic illness rest time is hugely important and essential to keep my body well.

My brain is also easily overstimulated which can either leave me feeling drained and overwhelmed or hyper and unable to sleep or settle down.

It’s been such a great journey learning more about myself and how my brain is working and connecting those dots.

Pretty much everything I write isn’t based in science, just my own personal experience, discovery and exploration of myself and how I work and function, which is fascinating.

I’m heading towards 35 and I’m finally figuring myself out, in a way I’ve never really looked at before.

When I have counselling before it’s was always based around dealing with the situations I was currently dealing with like self harm and depression. I never really delved into my past and never really spoke about the why, why I am the I am, what’s making me tick.

This round of counselling, I mean yeah I was struggling big time with anxiety and depression. But I feel like I’ve been way more open with my current counsellor, I’ve delved deeper than just surface stuff and I’ve been given the space and opportunity to look at things completely differently and it’s been super fascinating and now when I’ll just get random thoughts much like how this post started from a light bulb moment I suppose and I’ve just been writing and writing and a lot of my scribbles don’t make it into a blog but I’ve got so many notes all over the place I will type them up and turn them into some kind of order as I think it’s such an important part of the process and journey of rediscovering who I am outside of friendships and relationships and outside of my transition.

I don’t think I’ve ever really known who I am and where I fit. But I’m slowly learning and discovering more about myself and it’s exciting.

I’m starting to like me and who I am, what I represent and what I can contribute to this life.

I’ve always felt like a lost soul, just kinda floating around, not really fitting in or not even really needed.

I’m started to feel more grounded in my body, in my mind and in my soul, the essence of who I am and why I’m here. Feels super weird but also pretty cool.

My sessions end this month and I’m feeling pretty confident that I can continue this journey myself. Just gotta keep writing out all these thoughts in my head and continue to listen to myself and the different aspects that make up me and make sure all needs are met where possible so I can continue to be the best version of me.

I did write another note of stuff I was thinking about last night but I will post that separately as its pretty long.

Also reading this back I have little recollection of writing this, I knew I wrote it but I was so in the moment and everything was just flowing, which I think the real me is able to come into power and be at my most raw and vulnerable.

Peace out

Zak

Purposeful :)

I’ve been sat here for ages just looking at the screen zoning out because I’m actually quite tired. But the rain is hammering down outside, so I’m going to write this entry in hope that it dies down a bit before I take the pups for a wee.

I’m feeling really good today, well I’m feeling really tired and achy but mentally I’m feeling good. I was so worried about lowering the quetiapine, I thought it would be much harder then it actually has been, my moods have been pretty stable apart from the normal ups and downs of just life I’ve not really had any major struggles, no real depressive or manic episode. I feel a lot more centred, happy and settled, I think maybe that has a lot to do with transitioning but also it’s age and the fact I have and still do put a lot of effort in each day to continue to have good mental health.

Yesterday was good but it was hot! really hot. I had a pretty chilled morning, was able to take my time in getting ready for group. I was up early again about 7 am, so I did have breakfast and had a short nap until my alarm went off. My sleep is a bit restless at the moment and I keep waking up so early but still being so tired, I think maybe it’s just a blip.

Group was good, trying at times with the check in and my struggle to listen, focus and look interested. But overall it was good, we looked at a model of coming out as LGB, didn’t get far into it but it is really interesting, I look forward to looking through the rest and giving my input on how it is to come out as trans*

When I got home to my happy puppies, I chilled out for a bit and I chased up all the peeps I had rung on Monday, I now have permission for both dogs which is great, I went through my form the social services, so should hear from them by the end of next week and the receptionist at the doctors wasn’t sure if he’d seen my message so she flagged it up again and said to ring to check next week. So I felt really good for chasing it all up. After all that I had myself some dinner and as it was so nice and the pups had been in all afternoon we went on our usual walk along the water . It was really nice out and we were out for about 3 hours, just strolled along and kept sitting to rest and take everything in. Scrappy had fun swimming in the sea and foxy was saying hello to everyone. It was like a jellyfish graveyard along the water, so so many of the barrel jellyfish had all washed up. The walk didn’t end too well though, as we were heading back along the water and scrappy was running in and out of the sea I noticed that he wasn’t putting one of his feet on the floor, so I had a look at his paw and it wasn’t bleeding but it did look sore, he’d tore a bit of his pad off maybe on a sharp stone or something. He was shaking as he was cold but he was so wet and sandy I didn’t want to pick him up, so I wrapped him up in my hoodie and then picked him up and carried him all the way home, which isn’t really that far but it felt MILES carrying a 6kg pup lol. He was really good though and sat really still all snuggled up like a lil baby, so so sweet and miss foxy was so great she walked all the way home without a lead as I couldn’t carry him and walk her, even across the roads she did so well. She’s such a good girl off the lead 🙂

After we had got home I gave scrappy a shower to warm him and up wash all the sand off him and I put a lil bandage over his lil paw just to keep is dry and clean. I took my meds and we all went to bed, I was shattered after all that fresh air. I think I was probably asleep but just gone 11 pm.

Again I was up at 7 am, so I got up and let scrappy on the balcony to pee. I had a drink and some breakfast and snuggled back up on the sofa for a nap until about 10 am. I was still really tired so I don’t know why I can’t stay asleep at the moment, it’s so frustrating.

But once I got going I felt less fatigued, got myself showered and dressed and had something else to eat. Took the crazy pups across the road for a 20 mins run, scrappy’s bandage came off while he was out but he wasn’t holding it up so it must feel less sore now.

I got myself ready to go meet M who was taking me to the Weymouth group. The car trip as always was fun and we had a good chat about things 🙂

The group itself was really good, I was actually asked by a member if I was a counsellor as he said by the way I talk it sounds like I am, which is pretty cool 🙂 I have done basic counselling skills courses and other such related stuff. I was pretty chuffed with that comment though, I must be doing something right. I really hope that my being at the group and talking to them that I help at least one person with something.

The car trip back was hilarious too, we get on so so well 🙂

Got home at 6 pm to my very happy pups, I took them straight across the road for a run about as it looked like it was going to rain and it did lol! So we spent about half hour over there.

Just been trying to stay awake the rest of the evening, I’ve just wanted to fall asleep but that definitely wouldn’t help with the restless sleeping. So I’ve been on the laptop trying to keep distracted.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow, I’m going over with the pups to see L in the afternoon and in the evening we’re going to take Harvey to see Jurassic world in 3D 🙂 it should be good fun. So yeah that should be a really good day, I have nothing planned for Sunday but I feel that maybe a Lego day! Well after I’ve found space to display them.

The rain has settled a lot now so I’m going to post this, take my meds and do my metoject (methotrexate injection) take pups for a wee and get to bed.

Peace out

Batman

I need to be more mindful (written last night)

I have been going round in a rather mindless manner recently.  But after just sitting and listening to music,  it’s put things back into perspective. 

Maybe I don’t like sitting alone with my thoughts. But it’s good to do.

I need to be more mindful,  rather than just floating through day by day. 

I feel calmer, focused and relaxed. 

I need to sit with myself more often and feel comfortable with it. 

I need to read more and watch less tv. Colouring in mandalas are a great mindfulness. 

I need to stop getting caught up in the little things and keep looking at the bigger picture and the journey I am taking to reach my goals 🙂

Peace out

Tank girl