Food diary – Another update

Once again I’ve been a bit slack on a few things but I’ve been really struggling with disassociation and binge eating. I’ve been trying so hard to get on top of it all and I’ve been stressing out so much. Stressing out has been making everything worse and I’ve been eating so much until I feel so so sick and my thoughts and memories are so disorganised, disjointed and just strange and unreal.

The last few days I’ve been trying to get back on track with reading and meditating daily and I have felt a little more settled.

I was watching a TV show called This Morning and this lady was on and she was cooking Prawn and Chicken Jambalaya. I was sat thinking that it looked really nice, well apart from prawns as I don’t like them, so I decided that I was going to make it for dinner tonight.

I’ve been doing my food shopping as and when I need things, I was finding I was getting 2 weeks worth of shopping and not eating everything I bought and had a lot of wasted food. Even though shopping as and when takes up more time and energy, its a bit more cost effective as I’m not wasting food.

Today along with the chicken jambalaya, I also tried some green olives and I can safely say that I am not a fan! They were gross, even the dogs didn’t like them lol. But I am pleased I tried them.

So this evening I cooked the chicken jambalaya, it took me a little longer then the lady on TV said it should take lol but it turned out so well and I really really enjoyed it and I was mega surprised as well. Its not usually something I would eat, mainly because its a bit spicy but I am so pleased I just went for it and made it. I even have enough left for 2 more dinners, which is awesome.

This probably isn’t the most well written blogs I’ve ever done because I am struggling to organise my thoughts right now but I’ve tried my best. As usual I’m not going to say if I’ll try something new next week as I think that’s just a bit too much to ask from myself right now. My main goal is to keep on top of the binge eating because if I cannot do it alone I’m probably going to have to seek help because it cannot continue.

Peace out

Batman

Don’t listen to that little dark voice.

A lot has changed in 3 days, a good kind of change though. I’m feeling much better then I did when I last posted on Wednesday. I am much more articulate now and I am able to write a decent sentence…Well I hope so anyway.

On Thursday I wasn’t going to go to my LGBT mental health group, I just didn’t want to go. The little dark voice was whispering in my ear saying “don’t go” “you’ll have a better day at home” “you don’t need that group anyway” etc you get the picture, the depression whispering lies into my ear constantly, trying to keep me at home, keeping me away from people, keeping me from helping myself to push through and feel better. Because the dark voice disappears if I ignore him, so he shouts as loud as he can for as long as he can, until the little ray of light starts talking sense, telling me that there is hope and I will feel better again.

That little ray of light gets louder and stronger the more I pushed on with my day. He got a little louder after I had my breakfast, a little louder still after having a shower and getting dressed. The dark voice was shouting too both in equal measure, my head was so loud but I knew what path I had to follow. I carried on and took the dogs out for a walk, I kept having to sit down as the dark voice was making my body feel so heavy and weak but I pushed through. By this point both voices were raging at each other, I was just listening to them both, both made good points. But ultimately listening to the dark voice would mean just perpetuating the liar that is depression, he would win, the only way I was going to feel better is if I listened to the light voice and went to group.

So I managed to get my stuff together, it took every fibre of my being to do this. As I walked out the front door, locking it behind me, the dark voice realised he’s lost. So he went back to whispering softly in my ear, whispering things like “you won’t have a good day” “you’re stupid” etc… :/

By the time I got on the bus, my head was fairly quite again and my whole being felt so exhausted. I kept falling asleep on the bus trip and very nearly missed my stop but I suddenly realised where I was and pressed the button to get off.

Group itself was good, I don’t remember what we did but I think that’s because it was such a huge battle to just get there, I struggled to be present. But I was there, I stayed, I participated as much as I could and I felt better as a result.

I still didn’t feel 100% better but I felt more myself for going out. I had a good evening, I made myself dinner, played with the pups while waiting for my food shopping, snacked on a peanut butter and syrup sandwich and went to bed.

Friday I went to the Weymouth LGBT mental health group and again it was a bit of a battle to get up and ready, but the struggle wasn’t nearly as bad as the day before. So it just goes to show that my mood was on the way back to normality again.

As always the journey there and back was good and the session itself was good. I think I’ve been going to that group for about a year now, which is cool and makes me proud 🙂

Got home from group about 6pm, I was so tired but I took the pups out for a quick wee and run. When we got back in I stripped off, my binder was hurting so off that came, jeans came off and were replaced by joggy bottoms, although if it was warmer I would just be walking about in boxers and top…but its still too cold for that unfortunately.

I had no energy or motivation to do anything, so I flopped onto the sofa, narrowly missing Harley and Foxy who were both on the sofa, waiting for attention. I reclined both sides of the sofa and I was soon surrounded by all four of my fur babies, I didn’t however appreciate scrappy standing on my back because he’s so freaking heavy! It was nice though, I spent about an hour just laying in silence, with my babies all round me.

Managed to muster up the energy to make myself some dinner which was nice. I just spent the evening watching tv and chatting to friends online.

Today the sun was out and it was like a cool spring day, its been so nice. Before I could go and enjoy the sunshine, I did the housework as its been a bit neglected this week due to my low mood . I felt better for doing it and the place no longer smelt of stinky cat litter, which isn’t a good smell.

I got myself together and I took the dogs for a walk and we went on the longer route. I thought it a bit ambitious of me to walk the long way and it worked out that yeah it was a bit ambitious. I kept having to sit down and resting along the way, but that was ok as I got to just sit in be in the moment.

Once again when I got in, I stripped off the chest binder and my jeans and adopted the much more comfortable joggy bottoms and I rested for a bit with my babies.

I started my dinner early as its quite a time consuming dish and didn’t want to eat too late in the night. I made myself a chicken and leek pie and it was very nice if I do say so myself. I did the washing up as I went along so it wasn’t overwhelming.

I have spent my evening playing with the animals and listening to music. Which makes a change from having the TV on all night and its been a nice change.

Recently I’ve been conscious about the amount of time I spend on my phone, laptop, ps3 and watching tv and I know that it doesn’t always have a good effect on me. So I’ve been switching off my mobile phone, not going on the laptop every night, now watching tv every day. I’ve been mixing up my routine a bit more, cuz before I would watch certain things in the day, then spend all evening with the TV on and my laptop on.

I like people not texting and talking to me all day long, sometimes I just turn my phone off and sit and play with the dogs, or do some colouring or whatever. Not having to be plugged in 24/7 is very freeing, just to sit and be in the moment and to be in whatever is going on around me is nice. It means I’m not missing out on spending quality time with friends or the animals, I’m not missing out on moments because I am not being sucked into my phone. I am learning more and more how to just be and it is difficult but I have found that if one of my senses is being occupied then I can be in the moment, being still and quiet.

I know people worry when I don’t text straight back or whatever but they don’t need to worry because I am ok, I’m just going back to basics.

So after sitting here for about 3 hours writing, well not solidly I may add, how do I feel? I feel calm, happy and connected with myself. I feel hopeful and excited to see L tomorrow for her birthday 🙂

My life is by far simple but I somehow get myself through it, I will drag myself through this life kicking and screaming until the very end! I will not give up, that dark voice will NEVER win the war.

That is all for now, as my heads starting to hurt from looking at the screen. Glad I took the time to update this though, as its been a while and I always feel better for getting it all out and hopefully I will sleep peacefully tonight.

Peace out

Batman

Another allergic reaction to yet another antibiotic

I’m ALIVE! YAY! although I still look a bit like a zombie because I’m exhausted. But I am more human today thankfully.

I am so glad I didn’t start my antibiotics on Friday, I took them Tues night before going to bed and I woke up early hours Wednesday morning with severe stomach pains and shortly after came sickness and diarrhea. This carried on until just after midday, thankfully it didn’t last any longer because I couldn’t take my pain killers until I could keep water down.

I was in agony from head to toe, I couldn’t stop sleeping, I was freezing, I was virtually blue because I was so cold. I couldn’t get warm, my feet were the worst they were like ice blocks.

Managed to get up long enough to ask my next door neighbour to take the pups out for a wee for me, as I just couldn’t stand up long enough to do it myself and I needed to try and keep warm. He was so great and happily took them out for me and I was so so grateful for that.

My food shopping delivery came and I managed to throw it all into the right places in the kitchen, before collapsing back onto the sofa.

I did manage to stomach some Pepsi and just plain bread before taking my meds and going to bed…yeah cuz I needed more sleep…lol!

I slept like a log last night, the best nights sleep in ages actually. I didn’t wake up till 9 am and I went to sleep at about 11 pm. But I so needed it after being so ill yesterday.

I stayed in bed until just gone half 10am but I’d let scrappy out on the balcony to pee and left my bedroom door open so the cats could come in and the pups could go get a drink or food. It was nice relaxing in bed watching tv with all the animals in bed with me 🙂

I managed to do the housework and do like 3 loads of laundry, the housework took a bit longer then usual because I kept having to stop and sit down. But I did it and felt loads better for it, the flat was an absolute bomb site lol.

Went over the road with the pups and they were off like little rockets bless them, racing around chasing each other. Luckily there are benches over there because again I kept having to sit down because I felt so weak.

After getting back with the pups I thought I better try and eat something filling but plain, so I made myself some rice and I ate it all and felt better for it.

Just relaxed and watched tv, played with the laser pen and made all the animals go crazy lol!

Spent some time playing Lego Dimensions with the new Ghostbusters level pack and the Joker and Harley Quinn team pack. Love this game so much, it always makes me feel happy.

I felt well enough to try to eat a bit of dinner and luckily I had a portion of beef stroganoff that was in the fridge, which is what I was planning on having for dinner yesterday but it was still ok to eat today. I didn’t make anything to go with it though and I’m glad I didn’t because it filled me up just on its own. I feel less weak now and back to my normal self.

After I’d eaten I noticed that my note pad had a list of medications on there that I had written down on Monday after I did my pill box up. This list of medication were ones I needed to re-order but I hadn’t done that yet. I took the pups out for a quick wee first, dropped them back and then went back out to re-order my medications. Glad it’s all sorted and I will be able to pick them up Mon evening.

Just been catching up on internet stuff this evening, I feel loads better then I did this morning, I just feel exhausted…well more then usual anyway lol.

So by my count I am now allergic to 6 antibiotics, which is very frustrating when I need them because of my stupid immune system!

How am I feeling right now? Other then extremely tired, I feel ok. Just relieved that the sickness is over. But yeah feeling ok is better then feeling low.

That’s all from this boy right now, I need to go get some sleep.

Peace out

Batman

I can’t think of a title…

This is yesterday’s post.. the site crashed as I was trying to post it lol.

BOO!!! Just practising my scare skills for Halloween! woooooooo…lol. Ha I am so excited for my Halloween party, I love it so much.

My body is feeling really tired today but my brain is definitely back up and running and my mood has picked up again. I think now my op has been done I don’t really have much to worry about now, well just my form for benefits to fill in. But I’ve filled out loads of them, I’m sure I can fill it out ok myself.

I’ve been quite busy today, I did the housework this morning before going out. I went and paid my rent and got electric…boring adult stuff! While I was out I came over really hungry but I still can’t eat properly because of the stitches in my mouth, so I couldn’t get a burger or anything. So I got the next best thing and WOW it was SO nice, I could have eaten it again lol. I got myself a shakeaway milkshake with nutella and marshmallows… WOW… It was the best ever and it filled a hole in my stomach without hurting my mouth, BONUS!

I had my counselling this afternoon, it was a good session as usual. It’s so nice talking to a counsellor that totally understands my physical health stuff because he also has a long term condition like mine that will only get worse over time. So yeah he totally gets me because he know the struggles etc. I always looks forward to having my 1:1 session, just to chat about STUFF! like just day to day stuff I deal with, that can be a struggle. So yeah, I left feeling really good 🙂

As I was in town after my app, I went into a couple of shops and did a bit more xmas shopping and I treated myself to a lil something as well 😀 hehe. I think I deserve it so that’s all that matters. On the bus home I had to make a stop at the pet shop to get cat and dog food and got them some xmas presents too.

Eventually I got home this evening lol. The pups and the cats were happy to see me 🙂 jumping all over me, I love it! Sorted out all my shopping and I did myself some poached eggs for dinner, I did do chips with them but they were a bit hard to eat.

Felt a bit restless but not a agitated restless though. I knew I needed to do a bit of food shopping, as I was running out of stuff I am able to eat. So I ignored my body which was screaming at me to stop and went food shopping. I am going to make myself some risotto tomorrow as that will be so easy to eat and it’s really filling as well. I’ve got myself some porridge, bananas, yoghurts and yeah easy stuff to eat. I’m glad ALL my jobs are done now, I have nothing else to do. Yes I probably should have done it over a few days and BOY will I pay for this tomorrow lol. But I don’t have much planned for tomorrow, other then making dinner and maybe taking the pups out for a walk somewhere. I can catch up on sleep tomorrow, which after today and the look at the time right now lol, I will need it.

This evening I taught scrappy to do high 5! haha so proud of him 🙂 he’s so clever.

I did a video tonight as well, I was just going to do a video of scrappy doing his tricks. But I ended up just chatting away for nearly 30 mins lol, it was good though, I suppose it’s like a video diary and once I start chatting about a subject it takes me all over the place. I may do another video tomorrow 🙂

Right I’ve got to get off this laptop very soon, it is now 1 am and my head is hurting. I need my pain killers and my man sleep lol.

Peace out

Batman

Video blogging boy :D

Ah so it’s been a crazy evening! I’ve pretty much been on the laptop since getting home this evening. It’s been really productive though 🙂 I’ve not just been wasting my time on here and I’m feeling really good today too, considering I started today not really knowing how I felt.

I slept ok last night but I was up at 7 am for no reason, so I did my usual had something to eat and fell back to sleep on the sofa till 10 am when my alarm went off, which was a far more reasonable time then bloody 7 am! Plus I’m still recovering from the London trip, I am so tired and achy today. The bottom of my feet are sore, the muscles hurt and the skin on my hand is really peeling today.

I did my normal morning getting ready to go out stuff and took the pups for a quick walk and wee. Settled them in the hallway with treats and toys and headed out to get the bus to group.

Group was really good today 🙂 since certain people have left its been such a breath of fresh air, the group dynamics definitely needed shaking up and it’s worked, it’s so refreshing. The mood is much lighter which is what you need when you are having a rough time. Had a good giggle today and we talked about opposite to emotion action, which I did a little bit of explaining about 🙂 and yeah it was just a really fun group.

On my way to get the bus, I did have a lil look at a few shops. I didn’t buy anything I was just browsing. Mainly getting ideas for xmas..eep! lol.

When I got into Poole I popped into the sweet shop and got myself some sweets and said hello to S and W, was nice to catch up with them.

I finally got home to my very happy puppies and kitty’s 🙂 and I had a light bulb moment and made a YouTube video of how to make a inexpensive dog treat toy 🙂 which so far has been a hit with my friends. I spent some time sorting out my YouTube and arranging my videos into playlists.

I made a start of my very first video blog! I was pretty nervous about it but I just went for it! and as it stands at 11:27 pm I have 9 views! Which I am really chuffed with as its only been uploaded for 2 hours. This blog was just an introduction to well me and a brief overview of all my illness’s and I briefly touched upon being trans as well. I will do more in depth videos on being trans, living with bipolar and living with a chronic illness, I need to put a bit more thought into what I am going to do, what I am going to say etc. I may do a video at some point tomorrow… I’ve got lots of ideas and I really want my channel to take off 🙂 and I hope I am able to help people.

I ordered my food shopping this evening, thought I better sort it out lol!

Anyway here are some pictures 🙂

I saw this Tuesday morning before I left for London, it was put in my view for a reason 🙂

Me on the bus to group, looking and feeling fly. I love taking pictures of myself now I’ve lost weight.

Monday when I took the pups to L’s 🙂 they were just all relaxing together like best buddies ❤

My gorgeous sleeping babies ❤

My scrappy boy loves swimming in the sea 🙂

Foxy girl checking out the beach ❤ this is where we scattered my dear dad ❤

My gorgeous Harley and Marley. Lil Harley was pleased I bought a new box home for her to play with 🙂 ❤

My beautiful Scrappy and Foxy girl ❤ my four babies are my absolute world ❤

Well that’s it for tonight,

Peace out

Batman

Past traumas

Tonight I’ve been thinking and writing and I think I have found some causes/reasons as to why I think and feel the way I do sometimes. But it’s not a bad thing, it’s good to know why I am why I am, I don’t really think there’s much I can do about it though. Time will tell I suppose.

I’ll catch up quick before I go into the “deep thoughts” lol.

Thursday – L had a rare day and evening without the boys, so I decided to give group a miss and spend the day with her and have some adult time 🙂

We took the pups for a walk, which was so so nice because it was so sunny and beautiful.

We had lunch at mine and chilled out for a bit and had a laugh. Settled the pups in the hallway with treats and toys, so they would be ok while we were out.

I took L to her hospital appointment, as I knew where she had to go. It was a good appointment and she did get a few answers, although I am sort of hoping that the bloods will revel something else as it would be a bit more of an answer then just fibro… but we will see.

After the appointment we went to the cinema 🙂 we saw Sinister 2. L had never been to that cinema before so that was cool to show her where I love seeing films. We were the only 2 people in the entire showing lol, it was a good job because L screamed out LOUD like twice lol!

We came back to mine, ordered pizza hut for dinner 🙂 which was so lush! Took the pups out for a wee and we sat in bed and both did some colouring, while the first Sinister film was on in the background, we didn’t watch it all though. Both our meds kicked in so we needed to sleep.

It was an interesting nights sleep lol, with 3 dogs in the bed. L’s dog Arnie kept sleeping on my head and they were all a bit restless. So I didn’t sleep that well but I slept enough to get through the day.

Friday – I woke up at 10 am, L had woken up before me. We chilled out for a bit. L got ready and left mine, so I had to get off my butt and get myself ready…urgh which I had to push myself because I just wanted to sleep. I managed it though..just lol.

M picked me up for the Weymouth group, it was nice to catch up on the way there. The group was good and it was nice to see everyone. When I got there though and I felt so tired, cold and poorly but I got through the group ok.

I got in at half 6, I cuddled my happy pups and kitties 🙂 just seeing them makes me feel better. Sadly I couldn’t sit down for long, but I did make some money and sold a Superdry coat that I’ve hardly worn, I nipped into the shop to get a few bits.

I felt so awful when I got in and just wanted to snuggle up in bed but before I could do so I had to take the pups out for a quick wee and run. I then snuggled up in bed with my tab, my colouring, food, Pepsi, tablets, tv and my pups.

It was very much needed, I relaxed, had some food, finished my picture in my Animorphia book and started another in my new book. I played on my tab, snuggled with the pups and went to sleep 🙂

Today I woke up early, had a drink, breakfast and pain meds and then went back to sleep until 11 am.

I cleaned up my shit pit of a flat but I felt better for it. Got myself cleaned up too and I took the pups out for a wee and a quick run.

I spent the afternoon, watching a film and I finished colouring in the lil Hedgehog I started last night, who is really cute and I love it 🙂

Had a nice chunky soup for dinner, then took the pups out for a walk, we were out for 2 hours. It was nice and sunny but the weather was chilly.

This evening I’ve just been relaxing and writing.

So this all brings me back to the now, I’m feeling a little chesty, snotty and tired but that’s nothing unusual. I think I am having a lil flare right now because the skin on my index fingers are peeling too which is another sign.

Mentally I am doing ok-ish, I’m struggling a little, with a bit of everything I suppose. Struggling with the gender dysphoria, my mood, eating/food/appetite/food shopping and unpicking my past and why I feel the way I do.

I think it’s weird how things come out as I am writing and talking about things. I suppose it’s a good thing though because then I can deal with these things that pop up and unpick things.

I was having a conversation with someone about why I feel like a boy and this was my reply –

I suppose I do feel like a boy because I’m pre hormones and pre any operations so at the moment I am only a boy in mind and how I express myself (how I dress etc) I always refer to myself as a boy.

But I also feel young as well, even though I am 30, I live on my own, look after myself and my flat and my pets. I still feel about 15 but I think that is down to trauma… maybe. The trauma being my parents divorced 2 years before I was 15 but it was extremely messy for a long time after. At 15 years old I finally got a diagnosis of a life long illness which is a auto immune disorder.  So I think I’ve processed all these events as trauma, so I still feel at that young age.

I also feel quite young because of my interests, I love Batman and playing with Lego’s, colouring in and I just want to play, mess about and have fun. But again I know that comes down to being forced to grow up quickly and had to let go of my childhood and toys when I wasn’t ready at all. So again I think I just regress.

But yeah so I’m a boy but I’m ok with that. But after my transition I have this image of being a suave, handsome gentleman lol but I’ll still be this lil skater boy that might look a little bit older lol and that’s all.

Yeah so I discovered that what I went through at 13 and 15 is/was a trauma/traumatic event. Which is why I feel young and portray myself or others see me as young because I am stuck at that age, I don’t know if there’s anything I can do about it.

I feel as though I have made my peace with my parents divorce, it is what it is and dad isn’t here now anyway. I do feel though that the situation has impacted on the relationship with my mum and it is the way it is in part to that whole horrible, ugly situation. But her actions since then haven’t helped out relationship at all either.. and I do have a lot of resentment towards her and I would go as far as saying that I actually hate her and I have no real desire for her to be in my life any more. That sounds awful because she brought me into this world but she’s not been the best mother ever. But it doesn’t mean that my feelings aren’t valid just because she’s my mother. I am pretty much done with the relationship but a tiny part holds on because we she is my mum… But it’s toxic and there’s nothing I can do to improve it because I’ve tried over and over. I feel like I am going around in circles a bit with this relationship…

The trauma at 15 of being diagnosed with a life long illness, now I act like I am fine with it and I deal with it. But I do struggle with it, I struggle with it a lot more then I probably let on to people. But I really have no choice but to just get on with it, look after myself etc because no one else is going to do it for me, maybe it makes me a bit closed to other people but I have to protect myself because any small thing could tip me over and it’s very hard to get myself back on a even keel. It was hard growing up with an illness and invisible illness, it was hard missing out on lots of my schooling. I’ve never had any help in dealing with the emotional toll that dealing with a physical illness leaves you with. That help has never been there, even though I’ve asked more then 100 times over the past 15 yrs. Just left to deal with it.. and it’s not like mum was really there to help either.

Urgh so yeah…. lots of things even coming out from writing more now. I think I’m going to take all this to counselling on Tues and maybe pick through it there.

It’s late now, so I need to start wrapping this up and getting some sleep.

Wow this was a heavy one but it all comes from the heart.

Peace out

Batman

Gender Dysphoria….joys..NOT!

I definitely feel that a positive attitude has helped me get through yesterday and has helped me feel much better then I did on Monday.

I slept really well Mon night despite sleeping most of the day but I knew I would because I was just so so exhausted.

Tuesday was really productive though, I was up and out by 9 am, took the pups for a wee, went into town to pay bills, did laundry, did my food shopping online, ordered myself some new jeans. I just sorted stuff out..can’t remember the rest lol.

In the afternoon I had a lady pick up some clothes and dog stuff that was going to help the homeless 🙂

I then had to take the pups up to the vets to get their worming and flea treatment sorted and they were well behaved as usual.

My best mate was in town while I was out, so she went to my place to wait for me and we hung out for a few hours which was really cool.

After she went I had myself some dinner, a proper dinner again. It was only a small dinner but I’m trying hard to at least eat decent food, even if it’s a small portion. When I got my food shopping I ordered proper food, things I can make decent meals from. I got stuff to make a nice beef casserole with 🙂 I’ll do that at then end of the month.

After dinner I took the pups out for an hour just and we got back just as it was getting dark. Scrappy flopped on the sofa when we got home because I took his ball out with us and wow he loves fetch so much, he didn’t stop.

I felt really peaceful after out walk, it’s something about being out by the sea that does it for me 🙂 so I wanted to make that last so I spent the evening doing some colouring. I went to bed feeling really contented.

Slept really well last night but I was awake about 7 am, so I did my usual and had breakfast and then fell back to sleep on the sofa. But I got rudely woken up by the police wanting to get into the building without alerting the person they wanted to speak too, so they buzzed me and I nearly fell off the sofa trying to get up and answer the door in a confused state lol. But I went back to sleep until nearly 12 pm lol! I did intend to clean up this morning but the flat doesn’t actually look too bad so I didn’t bother.

H turned up and I was still hanging out in my pjs lol! We chilled out, I was waiting for my food shopping to come but as H was there I was able to quickly hop in the shower and get dressed.

My food shopping came and there was a few subs, like I got diet pepsi instead of Pepsi but I live so close to the shop and I said the guy the main reason I have been ordering food because I can’t lift anything because I’m recovering from a fractured arm, so he was kind enough to go back to the shop and come back with regular Pepsi, which I was so chuffed about because that would have been wayyy to heavy for my to carry with my sore arm.

So after all that jazz, H and I caught a train into Bournmouth and spent the day shopping. Which was so cool as we’ve not done anything like that in ages because she’s not been well. But it was just so cool to just chill and hang out. I bought myself a new Vans top in the sale and a new colouring book called Enchanted Forest – An Inky Quest.

A funny situation did happen in a sports shop… We went in to have a look and I was looking at the sports bra’s to see if they would help flatten my man boobs down, so H an I both tried some on, she actually wants her for the gym. But anyway the first one I tried was difficult to get on but I managed it but it didn’t flatten much which sucked but the second one I tried on was too tight and I got stuck with my man boobs out and my arms in the air lol, so H had to rescue me and pull me out of it! Good job she was with me lol. It was funny but the trying them on triggered the gender dysphoria but I that’s gonna happen I suppose, I’m glad I did try but it’s just a case of trying different ones to get the effect I want. But yeah it was difficult to not let the gender dysphoria not effect my mood as it did put my head into a bit of a spin. Being with my best mate and having a good day with her helped me deal with it.

This evening we chilled out and watched Maze Runner as H had never seen it and the new film is coming out soon, I cannot wait and she loved it and I knew she would 🙂

H and I left mine at the same time as I wanted to take the pups out for a walk by the sea before it got too dark. I pretty much legged it to Baiter where I like to walk, just so we still had some light and Scrappy could see enough to play fetch. I was sooo tired but the pups needed to walk but it was really nice 🙂 and the pups got what they needed.

Just spent this evening chatting to friends while trying to write lol but it’s been nice.

I have group tomorrow and I’ve decided just to let go of what happened last week, clean slate and move on. No point holding onto anything.

I better get myself to bed in a mo.

Peace out

Batman

A lil irritable

Ahhh I keep getting distracted by the pups, cat and the tiny kitten that keeps meowing at me lol! It’s now gone midnight so I better crack on as I’ve got to get up early tomorrow to take foxy girl to get her haircut.

I’m just trying to think what the heck happened today lol, I woke up early but was still tired so I had breakfast and went back to bed until a more reasonable hour then 6 am.

Chilled out for a bit but time was getting on so had to get my butt up and clean the flat up, oh and get showered and dressed before my O.T came over lol. But I always feel good when the place is looking tidy. Harley didn’t like the hoover lol, she ran and hid under the sofa till I finished, bless her.

My O.T (occupational therapist) arrived about 12:30 pm and she didn’t leave till 2:15 pm lol. She was so nice and we ended up just chatting about everything which was cool. I actually know her son, he was the year below me at school, such a small world. Anyway she is going to order me the perching stool for the kitchen and I will get that Mon at the latest which is cool, but the corner stool that she thinks will be best for the shower is something the don’t stock so she has to take that to the team meeting on Tues to put the case forward, but she said it shouldn’t be a problem. It will just take a bit longer which sucks a bit as I’m so desperate for it but least the ball is rolling now 🙂

After she left I went into town, got some electric and paid my rent. I used my love to shop voucher to go towards a ring that I’ve had my eye on, so I treated myself to that 🙂 I went to Primark and bought a cool Batman wallet, a Jaws vest top and just a plain vest top. I had my shopping list with me and ended up getting all the non food bits I needed in poundland, they had everything I needed and worked out cheaper then getting it in Asda.

So I dropped my shopping home and went to do my food shopping and had to order some meds as well. Got everything I needed and I may have a little bit accidentally bought Leo a Batman pj set lol 😀 and I got myself Maze runner on dvd, it’s such a good film.

I got ambushed by my happy puppies when I got home lol, which I love coming home too 🙂 unpacked the shopping and shoved it all away. Then chilled and watched friends for a bit before having some dinner again, I’m happy that I’ve been eating a bit more then I have been, I feel less dizzy all the time.

After dinner I felt so tired, so I laid out on the sofa with the pups just watching friends still. I was thinking that maybe I would have a lil snooze but I felt restless at the same time so ended up getting back up. My nan and grandad popped over for 10 mins with some beetroot and potatoes that they’ve grown in their allotment, so that’s pretty cool and can’t wait to try them.

The pups were restless and I was tired but restless…so I took them out for a walk. It was ok but it started to rain and it was freaking cold! I come over feeling really irritable and grumpy so didn’t really enjoy the walk at all just wanted to go home.

My mood has picked up a bit this evening and I feel less easily irritated and grumpy. But I suppose I can’t be happy 24/7 lol, as soon as my mood changes I jump straight on it and analyze the shit out of it and my brain just goes into over drive when it really doesn’t need to but I can’t help it. Anyway when I got in I got straight onto the laptop and I’ve been distracted away from the fuzz that was going around in my head. I do feel like I just need one whole day of doing nothing, not even getting dressed, so I am hoping I can do that at some point this week *fingers*crossed* I need it so I don’t burn out or piss someone off by accident.

My chest is still a bit tight and chesty so I’m going to try and do another sputum sample this week and I’m hoping I don’t need another round of antibiotics….but I may well do. I also need to go back to the hand therapist as my fingers are still quite sore and my little finger is bent as fuck and I cannot straighten it! So I need to book another appointment with them.

Tomorrow morning foxy is off to the groomers so she will be able to see again lol, need to pick up food for the pups and the cats while I’m near the pet shop that holds the more natural food I get them. The cats food is good because I can give it to both Marley and Harley without having to give Harley separate kitten food, she can eat what Moo eats which is a money saver lol. I’ve also caught Harley eating the dogs kibble lol! she will eat whatever! She keeps jumping onto my plate while I’m trying to eat my dinner, she kept stealing my bacon bits lol. I digress lol so after that my bro wants to meet up so don’t know what we’ll be doing but should be a good afternoon 🙂

Ooops it’s gone 1 am, I am SOOOO not going to want to get up tomorrow.. :/ well better get this posted and my lil butt off to bed 🙂

Peace out

Batman

*insert*title*for*a*happy*boy

I can’t believe its Wednesday again already, so crazy this week’s just flown past. It has been a good week so far 🙂

Monday I was on it like sonic! Cleaned the flat, sorted out all my paper work and made phone calls. I rang social services so I can get some equipment for the flat that I need to help me. They are going to ring back and go through a form to see if I qualify for help. I also rang my housing association to sort out getting permission for the dogs, again they will ring me back. I need to chase up both. I rang the hospital to see if I can get my appointment brought forward but they have no spaces, so she said if I need to be seen sooner then ask my GP to write them a letter to ask if I can be slotted in sooner. So I need to check that he’s done that if he thinks that’s what is needed…hopefully he does lol. Um I think that was all the phones calls I made, I’m really glad it’s all been started. I’m nervous about the social services involvement as I don’t want them to say I need more help then I think I need… that’s my only worry.

Mon eve I went to flirt to meet some peeps 🙂 which was nice. On the bus back I felt a bit hot and sicky though… so chilled on the sofa with the babies for a bit before taking them out.

Tuesday was good, I spent the day with L, boo and all the pups. My bro and Leo popped to see us too. We spent sometime in the park just chatting and watching the dogs playing. Then we went to flirt for lunch as it was getting a bit cold and it’s the only place in town that allow dogs inside. I had a nice jacket potato with cheese and beans 🙂 YUM! Lil boo fell asleep on the sofa in there bless him lil man, mind you it was nice and warm and after lunch me and L felt like dozing off in there lol.

When I got home, I was so tired I snuggled up on the sofa with the pups and fell asleep for a few hours. I went out and did my food shopping, just so it was done. Put it all away and had something to eat, took pups for a wee and went back to bed. I was utterly shattered, I didn’t sleep well Mon night I was really restless. But I did sleep really well Tues night.

Today has been really good, I had a friend from school over this morning for a bit with her lil boy, that was really nice and good to catch up 🙂 I waited about for my delivery and while I waited I watched tv, played on my tab etc just messed about.

I finally got my package 😀 it was moo’s new cat post! eeek it’s massive but it was pretty easy to put together 🙂 only took half an hour. Once that was sorted I took the old cat post down to the bins and took that apart. Went to Asda to pick up my new Lego Batman sets 😀 I need to find space before I can put them together though.

Made myself a nice spaghetti bolognese from scratch and that was so yummy and I’ve got some left over for 2 more dinner, so that’s cool.

Just been catching up on here this evening, pups are sleeping.

Feeling pretty good right now 🙂 feeling happy.

I’ve decided I’m going to do a video diary of my transition, I need to look up how I edit movies and stuff and how to do it on my laptop, so when the time comes to it I can do voice comparison videos etc. I think I need to look up more videos and what other guys talk about and maybe script a few too so I don’t forget anything and get everything out. So yeah pretty excited about it.

Peace out

Batman

Batman

Feeling so great :)

Mid week already and half way through April ALREADY! What the hell?? It’s going crazy fast. I think the first 20 years of my life went sooooo slow lol. Now it’s just going so fast in the blink of an eye.

Yesterday was a chilled day, relaxed and slept most of the morning. I took foxy to the groomers in the afternoon for her summer haircut. While me and scrappy were waiting we played on the field and went to the pet shop and got some treats 🙂 It was so freaking hot out, apparently we are in for a heatwave for the next few months. We picked up miss foxy and she looked gorgeous, all happy and she looks even tinier now, I booked scrappy in as well, he needs his tail trimmed, the hair on the backs of his legs and she’s going the thin out the rest of his hair on his back because its so thick. My gorgeous boy.

We got in and I was so tired from being out in the sun, I think I played on my tab and watched some tv. Then went and laid on the bed for an hour and a half. I didn’t sleep the entire time, mainly just rested. But it was nice and I had the bedroom door open so Marley moo came in and joined me and the pups for a snooze.

I spent the evening over at my friends C&C they gave me my birthday presents as I’ve not seen them since just before my birthday, so that was really nice and yeah just had a nice evening chilling out, chatting, catching up and stuff. I didn’t leave as late as I usually do because I was starting to feel really achy and snotty.

The pups were happy to see me when I got in, I took them straight out and we got into bed, watched a film and I played on my tab.

Today I have been crazy busy! So busy that I had to write a list to remember everything I had to do and everything was completed.

It started with waking up, eating breakfast and falling back to sleep again for a bit.

After I woke I up did my list of things I needed to do and I did my shopping list that I needed to order.

I cleaned the entire flat and throughout the day I did 4 loads of laundry and it is SO hot that I can hang it all outside so it dries quicker. I made some plain ice cubes for the dogs and some ice treats with chicken stock and their dog treats.

My bro dropped by to pick up some money I was lending him.

Ordered my food shopping which is being delivered tomorrow evening. In the food shopping, I ordered the pups some bits to make them some ice treats. I’m going to make them with banana’s, peanut butter and natural yogurt, blend it all up and freeze, hopefully they will love it. While I was online I did my letter that I need to send to ESA about my change of title, so printed that out, put a copy of my deed poll and sorted out the envelope. I also went back through my journal and wrote down all my good things I’ve done, as I’ve not been keeping up with that at all. So I have done all of January now, so my jar looks a bit less sad lol.

I got myself showered and I sadly had to say goodbye to the leg and armpit hair…. Because it is SO freaking hot, I need to wear my shorts and vest top and because I am not binding yet I can’t go out with hairy armpits and hairy legs because I still look like a female. I’ve had an email about my binders so I can track where they are and they should be here next week. So yeah that totally sucked, it’s been great not shaving anything. But yeah that took ages to do lol, I am SO hairy pre-T I’m going to look like a freaking bear on T lol. Ooh and had a nice minted lamb burger for lunch.

After getting rid of the fuzz, I went out in shorts and a vest top. I went back to the pet shop to exchange to clockwork rat I bought scrappy as the one I picked up didn’t work. So got him a new one, had a lil chat with the ladies in there. Went up to the doctors and picked up my prescription for antibiotics and I got them at the chemist. I took the first two on the bus home so I didn’t forget.

At about 6 pm I took the pups across the road for a run as it was a bit cooler. I took their water over with us as scrappy get thirsty quickly. We spent over an hour over there just chilling, playing about. Met Loki the big Husky, he came out to play with scrappy and foxy for a bit. He’s got a new 100m lead so he could actually run about and play with them. I took some really lovely pictures as well 🙂 I love being outside with the pups so so much, I never used to like it. But I think maybe that’s been down to anxiety and now I don’t really have social anxiety I just want to be out all the time and the pups are a great motivation to be out more too.

Chilled out played on my tab for a bit. Sorted out some more laundry. I nipped into Asda to pick up my pain killers and order more injections. I got myself some bits as well that I didn’t order online, as I order from Tesco’s and they don’t have the pups favourite treats in and just some over bits I needed.

Had another minted lamb burger for dinner, watched some tv and caught up on fb.

I CANNOT wait until Fri when my main man J comes down. YEAH BOY! He gets in town just before midday so when we get back to mine we are going to have lunch and chill, then take the pups across the road and pack some cans of fizz and some sweets and just chill and play about over there with the dogs 🙂 Just cannot wait!

Going to give group tomorrow some feedback about what I took from the Weymouth group. But need to say it in a way that its not a judgement to the our group, I think I am just going to totally own it saw I saw this, I think this etc and see what they think. As I do think the group needs to change a little. I am going to tell the group that as from next Thursday I will be no longer on my bipolar meds and that I would really appreciate if they asked me how it was going, how I am coping and if they see any changes in my mood when they see me at group then I would love some feedback and I think that is totally what group is about. We should be supporting each other, we need to be closer, move on from what’s happened in the past if we can. We need to be more of a community as at the moment it feels disjointed and everyone just comes for themselves. Hopefully I’ll be able to do all this fairly well.

Peace out

Batman