LIFE IN LOCKDOWN..CONT

This feels like a never ending saga… Although things are starting to slowly get back to normal-ish. More places are starting to open and you’re allowed to travel a bit more and the level has been lowered to 3.. which I’m unsure of the exact do’s and don’ts but for me I am meant to be isolating now till the end of this month, although that could change. It’s just a case of waiting to see what happens next, I do think a second wave is inevitable as that’s just how a virus works.

For me I don’t feel quite comfortable going to any shops in town just yet, although I will have to go to primark at some point at I have one pair of shorts and the ones I’ve seen in Asda either don’t feel right or just aren’t my style. I’m also feeling quite anxious about using public transport, luckily at the moment I don’t have to go anywhere, despite bursting to take the dogs out for the day somewhere, I think for me right now the risks still outweighs the wants. Plus I need a mask which I don’t have and don’t feel comfortable wearing due to not being able to breathe properly. I think I’d feel to claustrophobic wearing a mask, especially on the bus. So for now, I’m staying local..which is boring AF but I got to keep safe.

I wish I could say I was coping better with this lockdown life, but sadly I can’t. I’m still really struggling, my depression is pretty bad, anxiety is bad and the disassociation is really crippling.

I decided that today I was going to try my best to actually participate and engage in life, rather then the disassociation take over and its been extremely exhausting trying to stay present and in the moment. But I’ve been able to get things done that have just been impossible to do in the last few weeks.

Most days I am so disconnected, disassociated and switched off that all I can do is sleep, eat snacks as cooking has just been too difficult and walk the dogs. I haven’t even been able to really watch anything either, I’ve just been watching things I don’t have to concentrate on, things I’ve seen a million times as its kind of comforting and eases my anxiety. There’s a few new seasons of shows I love on netflix that I’m bursting to watch, but for some reason I can’t start them. I feel too anxious, I know it makes no sense. I’m not really enjoying doing anything either, I just feel so numb, I can’t remember the last time I actually felt something other then feeling so numb and just nothing. I feel like most days I’m just going through the motions, just to get through another day of monotony.

I struggle to even start a task, it takes forever to do the basics, as I’m so trapped my anxiety and fighting to stay in the moment that I spend a lot of time sitting down trying to motivate myself enough to unfreeze and move. Its such a battle every day just to do the simplest of things and its so exhausting. I’m meant to be taking my blood pressure every day, but I’ve been unable to do that, as I just don’t remember and for some reason it feels like an overwhelming task, even though its so simple.

I’m just trapped inside my head all by myself all the time and my head is such a dark place to be but I’m stuck there. I need outside stimulation and interaction, I need outside help. But it’s just not there right now.

I’m so withdrawn from life, that I just don’t reach out anymore, I just can’t bring myself to it. I’ve kinda resided to the fact that this is life now, just on my own, loneliness forever. I’m not ok with that but I’m too tired to keep trying to insert myself into people’s lives.

Even when I’m out with the dogs and people talk to me, I keep stumbling over my words, I feel super awkward and incredibly anxious. I love being out with the dogs but I hate being seen, I just want to walk and chill on my own, which just isn’t me at all. I usually love talking to random strangers but now it just makes me feel so vulnerable and awkward I really don’t enjoy it and I wish I didn’t feel this way as I am quite a social person usually. But my anxiety is so strong and the constant negative thoughts is making everything impossible.

I’m kind of dreading everything getting back to normal, I can see myself keeping myself very withdrawn and isolated, it feels a bit scary getting back to normal. I don’t know how I’m going to get myself back out there into society, just thinking about it freaks me out. I’m not agoraphobic but the thought have having to go a bit further a field, like say to a hospital app is terrifying. Not just getting public transport but also interacting with others and also being able to organise myself enough to get myself somewhere on time. This lockdown has had a huge negative impact on my mental health and its not something that I’ll be able to easily fix.

I’ve had very little sleep today, under 4 hours I think. I got up early and did the house work and made some breakfast and I was out just before 10 am, I took the dogs for a walk and sat down where we scattered dad’s ashes which was nice and peaceful. Spoke to him and wished him a Happy Fathers Day, something I do every year. After our walk I had some lunch and watched and film, then jumped onto the laptop while my brain was still engaged in real life and I’ve been sat here for about 4 hours now. I feel a bit better for blogging and getting stuff out, I’m bloody exhausted now. I’m going to try and get an earlier night.

A couple of weeks ago I decided for my own mental health and sanity to cut ties with my ex completely, which meant deleting messages, blocking on FB and burning the break up letter they gave, which wasn’t as satisfying as I thought it would be. I couldn’t keep tormenting myself and I felt like I was still holding on, waiting, hoping that maybe I’d be wanted again. I didn’t really want to remain friends in the first place, it’s what they wanted and rather then be strong and stand up for myself I just went along with it. But I can’t heal from the situation whilst stuck in it and still wishing and hoping we’d get back together. I kept thinking I was over it but its still just as painful as when we broke up. I hate feeling so deeply, cuz sure as hell they don’t miss me or were even hurt by the break up, even if they did they didn’t show it. But why would they be hurt, I mean its only me right. Not speaking to them is so painful but being friends was painful, I can’t win.

Man, writing all this shit out makes me feel so broken.. no wonder I’m alone! lol who the fuck wants to take me and all my baggage on?! I don’t even want me.. Maybe this will always be the way, maybe one day I’ll find the light in all this darkness.

Peace out

Zak

Over did it – catch up

I’ve not posted for a week and that’s because I’ve been so busy, I haven’t really stopped until today. Its been great and I’ve been having a good time but I’ve totally over done it and I feel so awful today, so exhausted.

I’ll do a quick catch up of what I’ve been up too this week.

Wednesday – I don’t really remember much from this day as its so long as. But I remember I had to stay in for someone to come and lower my shower pole, so I can now reach it when sat on my shower stool. I rang up the RSPCA to get a voucher to get Harley Spayed and microchipped. I think I just relaxed and pottered about the flat, doing the housework and laundry.

Thursday – This day was SO long! I saw my bone doc in the morning and WOW that was a real shit appointment and I really despise her!

This was my FB status about it..

I really dislike my bone doc. She doesn’t listen and she doesn’t care! I asked for my whole condition/symptoms to be reviewed and she kept asking me what I meant… If I want my hyper mobility looked into I have to ask my gp to refer me to some genetic place in Southampton… She wasn’t really clear about this.

She’s still banging on about coming off steroids… So in a few weeks after my blood results today I get to start azathioprine and it that goes well then she wants to start lowering steroids again…

My bloods are all negative and have been for ages but it doesn’t explain my constant sinus infection, the chronic pain and fatigue…
And she just put the burst blood vessel in my finger down to steroids and again she didn’t even take a close look, she just glanced at it.
I really dislike her.

But I didn’t write that she wanted to examine me, which is fine and I am totally used to that. So I took off my jumper and jeans but she asked me to take my off so she could listen to my chest…I refused too as she can listen to my chest without me being completely undressed. She did listen to my chest with my top still on but that’s not the point, she was totally out of order. She’s knows I’m trans and she obviously has no understanding and no desire to understand. Needless to say my gender dysphoria was horrific afterwards.

After that I headed straight to group, which was cool as usual ๐Ÿ™‚

http://www.dorsetmind.org.uk/

I went and had fuzzy hair cut an styled, so I look much better now ๐Ÿ™‚ I always feel so good after a haircut.

Met L and Boo Boo in town for a bit and then took Boo Boo home with me. Got home, sorted out Boo’s stuff, played with him for a bit, cooked us dinner, took pups for a wee, played a bit more and then put Boo to bed. I just spent the evening relaxing and watching tv.

Friday – Albert had me up early, so we went into the lounge and I put frozen on for him and I napped on the sofa for a bit, I wasn’t ready to be up at 7 am! But after that I was totally ready and we both had breakfast, Frozen was put on for a 2nd time and then we both had a shower an got dressed.

Took the pups for a quick wee and run around, which Boo Boo had fun playing with the pups. Dropped the pups home and Boo’s pushchair and walked over to the park, where we played for about an hour. I had to then bribe him into walking to a shop I needed to go to, I said I’d buy him chocolate if he left the park.

We just chilled out in the afternoon, doing lots of colouring and watching Disney films, he really got into Tangled which is one of my favourite films. I love Disney so I didn’t mind spending all afternoon watching them with Boo.

Boo and I had dinner and it was actually nice to have dinner with someone, rather then cooking for just myself. I did have to encourage him to eat it though, as he’s two and a half now and definitely asserting his right to say no, I don’t like it! Plus his taste buds are changing too, he’s gone from eating anything to very little, although he will eat chocolate all day every day lol.

We chilled out after dinner, playing with his dinosaurs and cars. He then asked me to read his book so he could go to bed, it was so sweet. Again in the evening I just spent clearing up and then relaxing.

Saturday – Boo had me up at 7:30 am..wanting to watch Frozen again! While he was doing that I had a little sleep on the sofa, as I do not do early mornings.

Again he wanted a shower with me and when we got dressed we both had Batman t-shirts on ๐Ÿ™‚ Took the pups for a wee and a run across the road, so Boo had fun playing with them. He’s so good with the dogs, its so cute.

Boo and I had some lunch, I got his stuff together and cleaned up a bit. Then got the bus and dropped him off with his dad’s family, as L was still really ill and needed a little more time to recover.

I went over to see L and Harvey and as soon as I walked in Harvey was showing me his minecraft and what he’s been building, which is pretty cool actually. I took Arnie around the block for a quick walk and wee.

Headed home and while I was sat on the bus I had a migraine start…and I didn’t have any sumatriptan left!! While I was walking home, through town I nipped into the chemist and bought some sumatriptan, got in and stripped off, got into my pjs, took my Tramadol and got into bed. I hate migraines so much, all I can do is sleep when I get one.

I slept for an hour, I then had dinner, got a shower, got dressed into my new fancy shirt and jeans, took the pups for a quick wee and then E picked me up for J’s birthday party.

It was such a good night, I talked to loads of new people. I even got into a club without being asked for I.D which is great as I don’t have I.D lol!

Sunday – I got up quite early considering I got to sleep quite late. Did my usual morning stuff, got me and the pups ready and got the bus over to L’s.

We spent all day there which was cool, I went out and got some food shopping, I took the pups around the block for a wee. Then chilled out for a bit as I was so achy, probably because I was really tired. Then Harvey and I took the pups down to the park for an hour, he rode his bike as he wanted to show me how well he can do it now. So that was cool just spending some time with me and him, gave L a chance to have a lil snooze. When dinner was ready I sorted it all out. Afterwards I fixed the nob on her slow cooker as she’d managed to melt it…yeah don’t ask lol!

I think I left about half 8 pm, got home and jumped in the shower, got into bed and was sound asleep by 10:40pm.

Monday – I woke up quite early, ate a packet of jaffa cakes and got back into bed until lunch time…I totally needed it. Did the housework and laundry, took the pups for a wee. Sorted out my meds for the week, sorted out my list of what’s going on for the week. Then in the evening I went to the Breakfree trans group social. Which as always was a good laugh, even if it was just the 3 of us lol.

Today – I woke up this morning and I didn’t feel good, I hurt all over, I felt weak and tired, my nose was all blocked. So I just had some breakfast and went back to bed until lunchtime.

Dragged myself into the shower, then got dressed and took the pups for a wee but it started raining, so we came back and I got into my joggy bottoms, as I was still so achy and feeling delicate. Spent the afternoon catching up with X-files and Gotham, while I went through the box of Lego Harvey gave me. Most of it was just random bits and fake Lego, so chucked that out and I was left with a handful of real Lego bits. I then decided to sort through my Lego into bags of their colours.

I did go out for a bit to get electric and to pay my rent, I needed to stretch my legs a bit. Also went to Asda chemist to re-order more meds.

Just been relaxing this evening, had dinner, ordered my food shopping and caught up with emails and stuff.

How do I feel right now? I’m exhausted, I’m achy and I do feel frustrated with all my health crap because it gets my down so much. I feel ok-ish just a bit low but nothing I can’t handle.

Tomorrow I am meeting my Nan and Grandad for the first time since I wrote “that” letter. I’m a bit nervous about it especially as I’m physically not feeling great and not on top form. I’m sure it will be ok…

The mothership text me the other day and asked if she was seeing my for my birthday (which is next week) and I just said I don’t know and she said ok. To be honest no I don’t want to see her but she’s not getting the hint. Whatever though.. she’s a stress I don’t need in my life right now. She’s a negative influence in my life, that sounds awful as she gave birth to me, but regarding me emotionally she hasn’t put an ounce of anything into me. Yes I was always, fed, clothed and had a roof over my head but my emotional needs were never met. Anyway its just a complicated situation and I don’t want her in my life.

Little Harley is booked in this Friday to get spayed and chipped ๐Ÿ˜ฆ got to starve her from 8 pm Thursday night. Going to miss her, she’s not been away from me since I’ve had her.

Overall I have been doing ok considering everything I deal with on a daily basis, it is a struggle and it is hard. But I keep pushing through cuz daddy didn’t raise no quitter!

As usual I do have loads of pictures but I shall do that in a separate post.

Peace out

Batman

Hyped up :D

Today didn’t go to plan, but I am so glad because it ended out being so funny.

I woke up at 8 am, showered and dressed and went to Asda for a cooked breakfast, it was so yum! Got a few drinks and got myself Frozed on DVD and got Harvey the DVD he wanted. Came back to the flat and took fox for a wee and dropped her back. G and S were running late lol, we picked up D on the way. We got to the place we were meant to be doing a course and we waited for a good hour lol, I think it came down to a miss communication… So we went to a cafe for a bit.

We dropped D back home and S and G came to mine to pick up Sammie, we sat and chatted for a bit, then we decided to take the dogs for a walk and OMG it was SO funny, playing on all the park equipment etc. There weren’t many people out as it was miserable out. But we had a good laugh and Sammie went off the lead for the 1st time! She did well.

After our walk we came back to mine and watched Frozen ๐Ÿ™‚ LOVE this film so much.

Then we ended up running about in Tesco like nutters haha I got a few bits, so did they. Got dropped home, totally hyper lol! Just blowing up everyones fb with random shit! ๐Ÿ˜€ videos from today etc!ย 

Lost track of time and only had dinner when my stomach rumbled! Ate it all ๐Ÿ™‚

Only had 2 and a half 500ml bottles of Pepsi today ๐Ÿ™‚ So pleased with myself.

Oh ordered my food shopping online. Being delivered Monday.

It’s now 12:39am and I’m still up! I’m a bit hungry though so need to eat before I take my medication. A bit of cheese and crackers it is ๐Ÿ™‚

Peace out

Tank girl

Manic…Zzzzzzzz Mon…ooh look a penny..

I eventually got my clean on today! ๐Ÿ™‚ So feel better for having done that, tidy house, tidy mind and all that.ย 

My nose is red where I’ve been blowing it loads..I am feeling so run down again! still a bit chesty and very snotty. GAH! I just wish to be well for longer then a week!ย 

I watched Carrie this afternoon, it was ok… really not as good as I was hoping, just glad I didn’t buy the dvd, just watched it on sky box office.

S locked himself out his flat lol, so he came here for a bit till he had to go pick up his hubby, so he could get in lol.

Nipped to Asda for a few bits.ย 

Had myself some actual dinner! I know shock horror lol and watched Frozen. I am in love with this film and the song Let It Go. ๐Ÿ™‚ย 

Watched Our Gay Wedding: The Musical, so sweet ๐Ÿ™‚ย 

Just been relaxing this evening. Head is buzzing full of STUFF!ย 

Its just gone midnight and my body wants to sleep, but I’m not sure what my mind wants to do…ย 

Batcat is annoying Miss moo, grr that boy needs his nuts off noisy cat lol.

Urgh feel like shit!

I finished reading my 1st book on my kindle! Ah I love it so much ๐Ÿ˜€

My ears are sore..

Peace out

Tank girl

Busy Saturday! SO tired.

I spent so much on food shopping…. But at least I will have meals to last me till just after Christmas. I can get snacky bits any time, although I am cutting down on snacks and already lost about 3lbs.

I didn’t end up sleeping till nearly 4 am, I was just so hyped up I couldn’t sleep lol! So many exciting things coming up.ย 

Iย reluctantly got out of bed just before 9 am this morning. I got showered and dressed and went to Asda for a nice cooked breakfast! OMG it was just what I needed lol. Although the eggs weren’t as runny as I would of liked. But such is life. Came back and took my foxy pup for a few, brought her home and got my stuff together and made my way out to meet my mum and Jack.ย 

Town was SO busy and it made me feel a bit anxious because everyone is running around all stressed looking for the perfect gift….I so could feel the tense energy. I was just trying to focus on keeping lil Jack close. We had a little look around the shops and mum got Jack a jumper with two reindeer’s on that are wearing sun glasses and Jack thought that was funny.ย 

We eventually got round to the cinema and I bought us popcorn and drinks. Made Jack go for a wee before we went in. He kept saying he didn’t want to go, so I said he wouldn’t be able to see the film if he didn’t wee first lol, it worked ๐Ÿ™‚ The film was awesome, so touching and as usual a bloody kids film nearly had me in tears lol. Been so emotional recently! Get all teary over stupid lil things. But I think that maybe the lack of sleep recently and the stress of this time of year. But it was really sweet when Jack kept snuggling into me! I loved it! I don’t see him much and that was just so so sweet. He told me I look like the snowman in Frozen lol! Yeah thanks Jack! I can’t wait to spend some of Christmas day and boxing day with Jack ๐Ÿ™‚

Got home and OMG I was SO tired and SO achy. I just sat chilling out, so tired but I just couldn’t nap, so I ended up feeling so irritable and just didn’t know what to do with myself. There was nothing on TV, no DVD’s I wanted to watch GAH hate that feeling so much. Had dinner and just sat sort of watching some weird alien thing, in which I couldn’t work out if what they were talking about was hypotheticalย or not lol…. I figured what they were talking about was something that could potentially happen. Then watched some woman who was brought up by monkeys and all the people trying to prove and disprove her story, but it was really interesting as there was more prove to back up her story, which was pretty cool. Now watching something about psychopaths which is also very interesting, I took channel 4’s online psychopath test and obviously I scored very low lol.ย 

Just been catching up on fb games and with friends online. Someone re-added me tonight….last time we spoke she was 13 something I was NOT aware of at the time, until I got a call from an irate mother :/ But luckily the mother was quite rational and decided to ban her child from the internet as she was posing her self to be much older etc. Anyway, this girl is now 17 and with someone who has a 12yr old son…. But hey who I am to judge, but I just worry as she comes across as a child and someone you would want to protect. Just going to be careful with her.ย 

I’m so exhausted, but its pissing down with rain…. GAH. Quick trip out for foxy girl and then snuggles in bed. Its meant to be yucky weather again tomorrow, so I think it will be a DVD day, well apart from taking foxy for a wee and picking up something from the shop for my little cousin.

Peace out a very tired

Tank girl x