Rediscovering myself

Since December, I’ve been in hibernation mode and I’ve really struggled to get out and about. I’ve wanted to stay close to home and just relax, but I feel its time to start slowly crawling out of this cocoon I’ve built and participate in life again.

It was necessary for me to take a step back from life so I could continue to heal from surgery and reevaluate my life. As I had some big life changes, friendship changes and growing in self confidence.

I’ve also been rediscovering who I am as a person, been trying to find my style, who I want to be as a man, what I am willing to put up with, who I want in my life, my expectations of every. So the hibernation time has been a really important part of that, as its allowed me the time and space to just sit and be and to look back on how things went before and what I want my future to look like now.

I’ve learnt that I had put myself into the role of care taker, for practically everyone in my life and I was always waiting on who needed me next, I was always making myself available for other people even if it meant not putting myself first.

I know I am a natural healer, which is really cool and I love helping people but I also need to know my value as an individual. I have stopped helping people at the detriment to myself, I’ve been putting up clear boundaries with people as well, which isn’t always easy but it makes me feel good.

I’m going to stop putting my life on hold and start doing the things I want to do. I’ve spent so much time making myself available for other people, just in case I’m needed, that my life kinda took a back seat.

I’ve made myself available for the people who wouldn’t do the same for me. I’ve realised that some friendships I was in were making my self esteem so low, due to the way I was talked to and treated. I am more capable then I realise and I am totally ready to see what I am capable of doing.

I want this year to be fun, I want to have adventures, I want to make memories, I don’t want to be reliant on anyone, I don’t want to be looking after everyone.

I know I can be a healer whilst remaining autonomous and not feeling like I HAVE to be there for that particular person.

This week I am hoping to go on an adventure, but I’m not going to say where and when until it happens. As I’ve learnt that if I announce what I’m going to do, it feels like so much pressure and I find it hard to then commit too. But I will keep you all posted.

Peace out

Zak

2018 – What a year!!!

Yet another year is nearly over and 2019 is just on the horizon.

Its been another year full of ups and downs and for the most part its been an absolutely incredible time.

March was probably the most eventful months of this year, I got snowed in on my birthday due to storm beast from the east, two weeks after my birthday my 3rd nephew came into the world, I changed my name to Zak and the end of March was when I started a relationship with someone I’d been getting to know for a few months.

That was the start of an incredible 7 months and despite how things have ended I wouldn’t change a single thing.

The summer weather definitely made up for the freezing cold, snowy March. Summer was crazy hot! For months! And England qualified for the semifinals for the first time in forever!

I applied for and got my first passport in this millennium! My last passport ran out 14 years ago! I now have valid ID… which I’ve not needed yet 😂

I took my partner and my dogs on my first holiday in 10 years. We went to Dawlish in Devon, it’s such a beautiful part of the country. It was so nice to get away and that’s probably where I knew I was in love with this lovely human being.

Then came the Eminem concert at Twickenham stadium with my best friend. It was such an incredible experience, once in a lifetime opportunity! Just amazing.

End of July I had my first consultation for top surgery! Which is great!! I’ve picked a surgeon, I just need to chase up about a second appointment.

Towards the end of the summer, my partner and I went to Rize Festival in Chelmsford, which was an amazing experience as I’d never been to a festival before. It was insane! But so much fun, we saw some amazing artists like Rita Ora, Manic street preachers, Rag n bone man, James bay, Bastille many others. But my favourite by far was seeing Plan B! He was on fire! I definitely want to go to another festival again!!

In September I did something that made me hugely anxious but I braved it and I’m glad I did. I went to London, to a spiritual channeling to meet my beautiful, wonderful friend Pamela in real life. We’ve known each other for 10 years + but we’d never actually met. But when we met all my anxiety left, it felt like we’d known each other forever, I so didn’t want to let her go. I’m so pleased I went, it was amazing and just what I needed.

Towards the end of September, things sort of unravelled but that’s life. Things ended with my partner, mainly because I know exactly what I want and they were unsure. No point either of us wasting each other’s time, but we’re still friends, we still talk, even though sometimes I find it hard, I’m grateful we still talk.

We had an incredible 6 months together, made amazing memories together and despite what happened those things will never change. We will always have those memories together.

Sometime in the summer I quit my volunteer work, I was no longer getting anything from it and felt like I wasn’t being treated fairly and felt like my mental health was used against me and I was just surrounded by toxic people which is never good for anyone.

But I now volunteer at pause cat cafe as a cat care person, which basically means I make sure all 12 cats are happy and healthy, fed on time, clean up behind them and obviously have lots of snuggles and play time. It’s good fun 🙂

As in previous posts I’ll be starting the new year without certain people who I’ve removed from my life, which is good but scary, as I feel like I don’t really have anyone.

Anyway here’s to another year, I don’t know what’s in store but we’ll see.

^ what a difference a year makes

Peace out

Zak

Pictures of my Christmas

Some pictures of my Christmas ❤

 3 best friends

 Happy Leo with his present

 Happy boy with treats 🙂

 Eeep lots of presents 🙂

 Excited puppies Christmas morning 🙂

 Foxy got new clothes 🙂

 Eeep 🙂

 Harvey and his best friend H 🙂

 Boys chilling with H

 L and the pups 🙂

 Albert enjoying his pringles

 Piggy back with boo

 Me and my boy

 Boo helping me do dinner

 Just chilling lol

 me and my boys ❤

 Handsome boy in his new coat 🙂

 New t-shirt 🙂

Just a snippet of my life over Christmas ❤

Peace out

Batman

Christmas and New years madness.

Just sat staring at the laptop not quite sure what to write as it’s been a long but awesome week.

My feet have barely touched the floor because I’ve been so busy but it’s been a good busy and I’ve had great fun with my awesome friends.

So I’ll share with you all what happened for me this Christmas and prove that even with lots of things going on with my health, mental health and gender stuff that life is what you make it and I put things in place to make sure Christmas was a good one.

Christmas eve morning, I spent cleaning up the flat. I was so tired though lol, I kept sitting down and nearly falling back to sleep. The sinus infection is definitely taking it out of me.

Me and the pups got picked up and went to a friends house, we had such a good laugh, good food an good company. We played card games too which was so fun 🙂 We did secret Santa which was fun too. It over all was an amazing Christmas eve and I am so blessed to have such amazing ladies in my life ❤ They were both very naughty and got me a present each which I wasn’t allowed to open until Christmas day.

When I got home my bro text me to say mother had dropped presents over his for me and I was so buzzing, feeling so good. So I decided to walk over to his to pick the presents up.

N was at my door when I got back from my brothers so that was cool 🙂 I opened up my presents from mother and for the first time since I changed my name to Dyllan which is nearly 7 years ago now, this was even before gender stuff, mother put Dyllan in my Christmas card and on my presents… wtf! So telling her I don’t want to speak to her and she’s finally being respectful! and she got me something I actually like. I did text to thank her and we had a nice conversation, but yeah I am still going to be cautious with her I think…I don’t really know what to do with the whole situation, its all so messed up. So yeah..urgh whatever!

Christmas day morning, for some reason the dogs woke up at 7 am, I asked N what the fuck the time was and just rolled over and went back to sleep until nearly 9 am which is a much more reasonable hour then fucking 7 am lol!

We got up and had breakfast, watched tv and just chilled out for a bit. Then we did PRESENTS! eeeek! I was super excited. I bought N some presents 🙂 and I open the presents from J and E and WOW omg! I was pretty much jumping off the walls with excitement, J had got me a Lego display case for my Lego mini figures 😀 and E got me Lego Jurassic world! OMG! like wow, I have the best friends ever and they know me so well 😀 I was so so chuffed, I couldn’t get over it. I’m sat smiling ear to ear now thinking about it.

I then opened up all the presents I got for the cats and the dogs 🙂 and needless to say they didn’t waste any time in playing with their new presents, they got so much. I love spoiling my beautiful fur babies ❤

After cleaning up all the wrapping paper, which Harley was having fun jumping in, I sorted out dinner. I did a beef casserole in the slow cooker 🙂 Then had myself a shower and put on my new T-shirt and socks from N. I love the feeling of new clothes.

The weather was so awful all day long, so we couldn’t take the pups for a walk like I normally do, so I was a bit gutted about that. It was just too cold, windy and wet and it would have be so so muddy out. We did still take the pups across the road for a wee and a little run, we managed to catch a dry patch in between the rain.

N and I spent the rest of the day relaxing, watching tv, nearly falling asleep lol and playing Uno. Christmas day well spent if you ask me.

N went home earlier then planned which was fine, I know when I don’t feel well all I want to do is sleep and relax at my own home. She’s got so much going on with her health, so it’s all totally understandable, I just wish I could do something to help.

I spent all evening getting stuck into my new game 😀 I love it so much, such a great game. I can’t stop playing it.

I can’t remember what time I went to bed but I know it was way past midnight lol!

So boxing day I woke up about 9 am and got on with the housework and prepared our nice turkey dinner. I did a large turkey breast in the slow cooker, I put veg at the bottom and some stock, on high for 4 hours.

H came over at lunch time, it was nice to hang out for a bit before L and the boys came over and all the madness began.

L and the boys came over about 1pm I think. I made everyone wait for just over an hour before we did presents. Harvey sat playing games on his phone with H and me and boo were playing with his dinosaurs that he got for Christmas and of course he wanted to play fight with his myllan lol.

We did presents. Albert and Harvey were both so good waiting nicely for their next presents. Harvey loved the game I got him, I knew he would. L spoilt me and the pups and the cats 🙂 eep ❤ she got me loads! L and H loved their presents I got them, so pleased. I love giving people presents ❤

Albert got into his new Thomas onsie and I got aged 4-5 years and it only JUST fits his big butt lol! He’s 2 years old! he’s so huge. He will probably only fit in that this winter and then it will be far too small.

The boys and I were play fighting, piggy backing and just generally messing about lol.

I sorted out dinner, Albert was watching me peel the veg which was cute, he was chatting away to me. It took me a bit longer then anticipated to get it all ready and cooked but man it was so nice if I do say so myself 🙂 and everyone ate as much as they could, well apart from boo cuz he just couldn’t stay awake lol.

Considering it was my first ever turkey roast I had cooked, it went well. It was so flipping exhausting but it was definitely made easier by having my stool to sit on, I think it would have killed me if I didn’t have my stool.

After a short sleep, I woke boo up so that he would eat before he went to bed. He ate a bit of his dinner which was good but as its Christmas I let him have some pringles and sweets 🙂 which made him a happy boy. No point force feeding him something that he doesn’t want, cuz it will cause issues with food later on in life. So yeah he pretty much ate a whole tub of pringles lol and some sweets.

Put boo to bed about 8 pm, although he was not happy about it lol. But after some cuddles with me he eventually settled down to sleep.

H left at some point…I can’t remember what time lol. But it was great to have spent a awesome boxing day with her. We’ve been best friends for like 10 years maybe longer, couldn’t imagine my life without her now. She’s been so amazing to me over the years ❤ and I am looking forward to another 10 years plus being best buds.

Harvey went to bed with no problem, I always give him a count down to the time he’s got to go to bed. Makes it easier but to be fair he’s always good for me.

Ah peace…well sort of lol. Just me and L, 2 cats and 3 crazy ass dogs. We watched some films and chatted, ate sweets and just chilled out. It was a great way to end a lovely day 🙂

L went to bed just gone 1 am after we watched the film Kinky boots but I didn’t get to sleep until 2 am, as I can’t sleep straight away, I need to relax and unwind before I sleep.

Boo boo got L and I up at 6 am…WOW 4 hours sleep! I just put his new Thomas dvd on for him and tired to get him to cuddle up on the sofa with us but he wasn’t having it. But L and I was nodding on and off on the sofa together lol. I think Harvey got up at 8 am and by that point that’s it I was up lol.

We spent all morning watching films 🙂 L helped me clean up, so that was nice as the place was a flipping tip lol.

I was about to get in the shower and Albert asked where I was going and I said I’m getting a shower and he said “me shower too?” So I said yeah if you want too. So boo boo sat on my stool in the shower and I washed him, then washed myself. He kept playing with my belly button lol, which he’s always done since he was small.

L had a shower and Harvey got dressed, lil smell bag doesn’t really like having a shower he’s a bit scared of it.

I took down the Christmas tree and decorations! AH! much better lol. I don’t mind having my tree up 2 weeks before Christmas but as soon as it’s all over I just want them down.

Helped L get her and the boys sorted to go home. I walked them to the bus stop, as boo hasn’t got a push chair at the moment so he’s hard work to cross the road, mind Harvey is as well because he has no road sense at all.

When I got back I took the pups out for a wee and run. Then spent all afternoon playing Lego Jurassic world.

I had an early night, because I hurt all over and I was just so exhausted.

28th – I slept really well and didn’t wake up till about 10 am, which is late for me. I must have needed it though.

My bro, sister in law and nephew popped over for a bit. Leo was in his brand new car he got for Christmas 🙂 so cute. Was nice to see them all.

I took the pups for a walk in the afternoon because they hadn’t been out for a proper walk in a few days. It was cold and windy but was nice to get out in the fresh air.

Bumped into some friends on the way home and K needed to charge his phone, so I said he could pop back to mine for a bit. So we hung out for most of the afternoon, went to town to try find some new trainers but couldn’t, but I did spend my game voucher H got me and got the Back to the Future level pack for my Lego dimensions game.

Spent the evening playing Lego Jurassic world and I completed the main story line already. It’s just so awesome and I can’t stop playing it!

29th – I slept until 9 am 🙂 yay my sleep is getting better.

My friend text me to say she was on her way…yeah I wasn’t even a little bit ready lol! So I jumped up and got my butt into gear and did the housework. I managed to do most of it before she came which was good, I only had to clean the balcony and get a shower. It was good though because it made me get up and get going because other wise I probably could have fallen back to sleep lol.

After I got showered and dressed, we went into town. I paid my rent and we looked in a shop and I got myself a new Batman t-shirt with my Christmas money. I treated us both to Burger King for lunch, which we ate at mine.

H-A drove me and the pups over to Hamworthy park were we had a nice walk and Scrappy the crazy pup went for a swim in the sea lol! We both got some great pictures 🙂

We popped into see H-A’s auntie and her dogs which was awesome 🙂 had a good giggle.

I was absolutely shattered when I got in! So I snuggled up on the sofa with the pups just relaxing, watching tv.

Had some beef casserole for dinner, as there was 3 portions left over after Christmas day. So nice easy dinner, only had to heat it up.

E came over in the evening for a few hours, Foxy was beside herself as usual. She loves E so so much. I showed E my game she got me and the Lego dimensions games and I made her a nice Spanish hot chocolate 🙂 It was nice to hang out with her, she’s so lovely.

Did my usual nightly routine, of taking my meds and taking the pups for a wee.

And now we are on today 🙂 30th Dec, I cannot believe that tomorrow is the last day of 2015! It’s gone so fast its totally insane.

So today I have rested and looked after my needs. I slept until gone 11 am, had a shower and got dressed. Took the pups out for a wee and went to the shop to get something for dinner and a few other odd bits I needed like cereal and stuff.

Luckily I went out when I did because when I got back it started raining so hard and it hasn’t really stopped since! So after I had lunch I spent all from half 2 and finally stopped for dinner at 5 pm. I could have played for longer but I was hungry, I had a nice chicken breast, roast veg and roast potatoes with cheese sauce! YUM! Haven’t cooked that for a while, definitely doing that again soon.

I have spent all evening writing this blog lol! I kept having to look at my FB to see what happened and when! The week between Christmas and New years always completely throws me and I have no idea who I am, what day it is, where I am, what I am doing! Just totally lost lol. Can’t wait for it all to get back to normal, so I know where I am.

Tomorrow I am spending New years with H and Harvey and the pups will have their best buddy Arnie to play with. Going to have pizza hut for dinner as a treat for us all 🙂 will probably end up playing games and maybe watching films. Said to Harvey he can stay up as late as he can, so we shall see if he can make it until midnight 🙂 so it should be a good night. I’d much prefer to stay in with friends then go out.

2015 has been such a crazy ass year! It’s had lots of up and lots of down and 5 broken bones! I leave 2015 as a guy and a strong guy, I start a new year being more me then I’ve ever been before and I am looking forward to starting my new journey towards becoming the man I know I can be.

I don’t really have any goals for 2016 other then to continue on the path to becoming my true self and to continue to learn about myself and ways to self care and improve myself and be the best me I can be. That’s all I can ask of myself, especially as my health is so unpredictable and I don’t really know where next year will take me health wise. So we shall see.

I started 2015 weighing 11 stone 11 pounds and I am leaving 2015 weighing 8 stone 11 pounds! and that is all down to coming down off the Quetiapine from 400 mgs to 50 mgs. I have managed my bipolar with all the skills I learnt at DBT and guided meditation has been a life saver. I start the day with meditation and end the day with meditation and I feel so much calmer for it. I feel brilliant for being on such a low dose, I don’t feel as drugged up and I feel so great for losing so much weight.

Well that’s all for me, I may do a short post tomorrow. But if not I shall see you all in 2016 🙂 I hope you have a great New years, stay safe and have fun.

Peace out

Batman

Sulphur burp Sunday

So going to write a quick catch up, I am going to get myself to bed fairly early tonight and not 2 am again.

I’ve felt a bit better today, although my stomach has still felt sore. Especially after eating, even just small amounts. Which is really annoying because I’m hungry but not and still nervous about eating too. Because I don’t want to be sick :/

I did manage to take to dogs for a proper walk today, which was great. They really needed a decent walk, as we’ve not been out much all week. It was good fun though and both the pups were soaked when we got back lol. I went out all dressed in my waterproofs and welly boots, it wasn’t raining but it had been raining all week long. It still looked like it could rain as well, so I wanted to be prepared. I’m glad I did because I could jump about in the puddles with scrappy.

It made me feel so exhausted after and I had to have a lil sleep when I got in, I so needed it though.

I now have sulphur burps…. which are so gross! I am hoping that it doesn’t mean I’m going to be up half the night vomiting. I think I have anti-sickness meds somewhere, so I am going to have a look at that in a minute. I really need to settle my stomach properly so I can feel better.

I am feeling a little better within myself for just taking the dogs out for a walk. I’m still feeling quite low and lonely but hopefully my stomach will settle so my mood can start picking up again.

Going to take the pups out for a wee, take my meds and watch a film in bed. I definitely need an early night and I am so so hoping that I am not up sick all night 😦

Peace out

Batman

Video blogging boy :D

Ah so it’s been a crazy evening! I’ve pretty much been on the laptop since getting home this evening. It’s been really productive though 🙂 I’ve not just been wasting my time on here and I’m feeling really good today too, considering I started today not really knowing how I felt.

I slept ok last night but I was up at 7 am for no reason, so I did my usual had something to eat and fell back to sleep on the sofa till 10 am when my alarm went off, which was a far more reasonable time then bloody 7 am! Plus I’m still recovering from the London trip, I am so tired and achy today. The bottom of my feet are sore, the muscles hurt and the skin on my hand is really peeling today.

I did my normal morning getting ready to go out stuff and took the pups for a quick walk and wee. Settled them in the hallway with treats and toys and headed out to get the bus to group.

Group was really good today 🙂 since certain people have left its been such a breath of fresh air, the group dynamics definitely needed shaking up and it’s worked, it’s so refreshing. The mood is much lighter which is what you need when you are having a rough time. Had a good giggle today and we talked about opposite to emotion action, which I did a little bit of explaining about 🙂 and yeah it was just a really fun group.

On my way to get the bus, I did have a lil look at a few shops. I didn’t buy anything I was just browsing. Mainly getting ideas for xmas..eep! lol.

When I got into Poole I popped into the sweet shop and got myself some sweets and said hello to S and W, was nice to catch up with them.

I finally got home to my very happy puppies and kitty’s 🙂 and I had a light bulb moment and made a YouTube video of how to make a inexpensive dog treat toy 🙂 which so far has been a hit with my friends. I spent some time sorting out my YouTube and arranging my videos into playlists.

I made a start of my very first video blog! I was pretty nervous about it but I just went for it! and as it stands at 11:27 pm I have 9 views! Which I am really chuffed with as its only been uploaded for 2 hours. This blog was just an introduction to well me and a brief overview of all my illness’s and I briefly touched upon being trans as well. I will do more in depth videos on being trans, living with bipolar and living with a chronic illness, I need to put a bit more thought into what I am going to do, what I am going to say etc. I may do a video at some point tomorrow… I’ve got lots of ideas and I really want my channel to take off 🙂 and I hope I am able to help people.

I ordered my food shopping this evening, thought I better sort it out lol!

Anyway here are some pictures 🙂

I saw this Tuesday morning before I left for London, it was put in my view for a reason 🙂

Me on the bus to group, looking and feeling fly. I love taking pictures of myself now I’ve lost weight.

Monday when I took the pups to L’s 🙂 they were just all relaxing together like best buddies ❤

My gorgeous sleeping babies ❤

My scrappy boy loves swimming in the sea 🙂

Foxy girl checking out the beach ❤ this is where we scattered my dear dad ❤

My gorgeous Harley and Marley. Lil Harley was pleased I bought a new box home for her to play with 🙂 ❤

My beautiful Scrappy and Foxy girl ❤ my four babies are my absolute world ❤

Well that’s it for tonight,

Peace out

Batman

Recovering from depression, anxiety and disassociation

So I’ve haven’t written in a few days because I’ve just not been in the mood to write, well I’ve not really been in the mood to do anything at all.

I’ve been in a real funk, I’ve been feeling mega anxious, totally disassociated from everything, depressed, overwhelmed and just feeling totally fucking shit. I’ve struggled to even talk let alone get up and do stuff. But I’ve spent today just relaxing and I did clean the flat so I am feeling a bit better.

I suppose I’ll write a quick catch up.

Fri – I slept well Thurs night, but it took every ounce of energy I had to get up, eat and get showered and dressed. But I did it eventually, I was just in survival mode, totally shut down.

My best friend came over and she treated me to the cinema, we went and saw The Maze Runner – Scorch Trials in 3D. It was so good 🙂 really enjoyed it and for that time the film was on I felt better.

When we got back from the film, we chilled out for a bit and then decided what to do for dinner.

We took the pups down Baiter for a walk, H borrowed a pair of my trainers so her nice white trainers didn’t get wrecked lol. It’s really boggy down there atm, so don’t blame her. It was so nice to go for a walk together and the cinema as we’ve not done that for so so long and I did really enjoy it 🙂 Scrappy had great fun running through the massive puddles and Foxy had fun chasing the birds lol.

H got KFC on the way home and she got me something from there too. We got back, ate and put on a film, but we ended up chatting about stuff which was nice. I’ve really missed hanging out with her just chatting and stuff.

I couldn’t even tell my friend who I’ve been best friends for, for about 15 years now that I self harmed. I just couldn’t, I couldn’t verbalize it at all. I felt really frustrated that I couldn’t tell her either…. But I suppose if I say it out loud it makes it real.

Saturday – I woke up about 9:30am, had something to eat and drink and fell back to sleep until 11 am. We didn’t get to bed till late, so I needed that sleep.

H and I just chilled out for a bit, I eventually got showered and dressed.

H left and I still wasn’t feeling good and I just couldn’t get my head together, so I went to bed for a sleep for nearly 2 hours. I totally needed it though.

I’d said to my brother I’d go over, so I took the pups out, took them home and sorted them out and headed to my brothers.

Had fun playing with the boys and chasing my bro with the nerf guns 🙂

Got home, took the pups for a wee and just sat for a bit. Eventually got to bed.

That brings us back to now… Sunday, rest day.

I’ve spent most of the day either sat down, laying down, sleeping and watching tv. However I did manage to sort myself out and do some housework and laundry. That made me my head feel a bit more sorted then it has been.

So I had decided that I just couldn’t go to London on Tues, not on my own… I was meant to be meeting a friend before the workshop. But things have changed now due to crap circumstances but that’s life. So now I’m not meeting my friend cuz bless him he’s not able to now. I was totally freaking out about it and I had a lot of anxiety about it because it’s not somewhere I’ve been before and London is so busy. But I’ve decided to be a big boy and just do it! Even if that means going by myself. I know I will kick myself if I don’t. I’m 30 years old, I can’t have people holding my hand throughout life. So I’m going to do it, I feel nervous but excited about it again.

I’m feeling tired, drained, just totally exhausted. I do feel happy that I’ve decided to go to London for my workshop at the gender clinic. I think I need a bit more rest to recover from everything. I know I can get back up again. I’ll be ok, I always am because I have to be. I have no idea what it is that keeps me going but whatever it is I hope I never lose it 🙂

That’s all for now,

Peace out

Batman

Gender clinic letter! woohoo!

Only 10 pm and I am totally ready for bed already lol, I am just SO rock and roll on a Saturday night :p after I’ve written this I may do some colouring, depending on how I feel, because right now I am tired and really achy…..but that’s nothing new lol.

So I’ll catch up a bit,

Fri – Well I didn’t get to sleep until nearly 3 am but I woke up at 9:30 am, just had a wee, had breakfast and watched a bit of TV before going back to bed from 11 am -1 pm lol, I totally needed it though.

I cleaned the flat, I managed to do it by myself. Although I totally overdid it and my arm killed so so much. But I felt better for the flat being clean.

Got a letter from the gender clinic Charing Cross 😀 EEEEEK! They got my referral and they have offered me a place to do a workshop there which is cool and not far off either. The waiting list is 13 months, I am so freaking excited! WOOHOO!

H came over for a bit before her app, I didn’t get showered and dressed until she left and after I took the pups across the road for a run and met H there after her app. Dropped the pups home and went to the shop, I treated myself to a Batman birthday cake! 🙂 I’ve been feeling so crappy and in pain that I fucking well deserve CAKE!

We both chilled out, had takeaway for dinner again 🙂 but we both totally deserve it after all we’ve been through this year. We watched a film too which was cool.

H left after the film and I walked a bit of the way with her to take the pups for a wee.

Chilled out for a bit and tried to write but I couldn’t concentrate so I just took my meds, did my injection and went to sleep and I had a good sleep just under 12 hours lol!

So back to this rocking Saturday, I woke up at 11 am! I almost never sleep that long any more without waking up a billion times in between. Think this is my first really decent nights sleep since starting the lowered dose of quetiapine. I did feel better for it energy wise but pain wise it didn’t make any difference.

Chilled out watching friends for a bit, then got my butt into gear and had a shower, got dressed and took the pups to meet L and the boys.

We all went to Baiter park and played about in the tree’s lol 🙂 we weren’t there long but it was really fun.

Came back to mine for a bit, I took Harvey out for an hour and I took him to the comic shop but it was shut, so I treated him to some toys instead and I got boo some cars, I got L some Vindaloo and yoghurt chocolate. Love treating them all 🙂

I treated us all to a pizza hut for dinner 😀 it was so yum and we all enjoyed it. Had some cake after too. YUM so glad my appetite is good at the moment.

After L and the boys left I just watched tv for a bit and filled out some forms for the gender clinic and written stuff on my calender for September 🙂 So I know what bills are coming out when and what I’m meant to be doing when so I don’t forget.

Just been relaxing this evening, well trying too. I can’t seem to get comfortable at all, my legs and back are really sore, along with the rest of my body. I can’t wait to jump into bed and sleep, also can’t wait to spend tomorrow just by myself. I so need a day to myself just to chill and do nothing.

Physically I feel like shit everything really hurts and I don’t seem to be getting any relief at all from my tramadol, which is really fucking shitty! If this carries on into next week then I will book in to see my GP cuz I can’t cope with this much longer.

Mentally I’m ok just drained by everything, but my letter from the gender clinic did lift my mood quite a bit. Still struggling with everything but I think that’s normal with everything I am dealing with right now.

Some pictures from the last few days

 Meeee, look at those bruised legs lol

 me and my Mr Scrappy doodles

 Bruised elbow near the fracture

 Swollen painful hand

 Mr Doodles 🙂

 My gorgeous Foxy girl

 Happy Foxy girl

 Cats playing with their new toy 🙂

 Found a Harvey in the tree lol

 Boys playing

 Foxy girl didn’t want to play lol bless her. It was cold and raining.

Peace out

Batman

Some pictures of the past 2 weeks

IMAG7371 IMAG7376 IMAG7379  Cool Lego

IMAG7380

IMAG7386 IMAG7388 Me and my gorgeous babies

IMAG7399Chilling in bed with my furkids

IMAG7400 My new shower stool, so helpful, love it.

IMAG7402 Snuggles with Harley

IMAG7417 IMAG7420 More cool Lego 🙂

IMAG7430 Foxy and Scrappy having snuggles

IMAG7435 Happy foxy girl in bed 🙂

IMAG7442New Adventure time t-shirt, totally rocking it!

IMAG7450 L and the boys at the beach in Hamworthy

IMAG7452 IMAG7454 My pups love the beach

IMAG7456 My sand castles (before scrappy knocked them all down lol)

IMAG7460 Albert chowing down on his dinner

IMAG7463 Arnie keeping warm after a bath in foxy’s hoodie, he’s so cute

IMAG7469 My very tired baby girl

IMAG7473 Ablert in my shoes lol

IMAG7482 Messy boys had fun painting

IMAG7491 IMAG7495 Boys enjoying their roast that I cooked us all

IMAG7537 Rocking my new hoodie 🙂 feeling pretty fly

IMAG7543 Someone got tired so hitched a ride in my backpack lol

IMAG7552 IMAG7554 IMAG7555  Some mandala’s I’ve doneIMAG7556 My babies being too cute

IMAG7560 Cool Lego Robot! Also made into a car and space shuttle

IMAG7575 Me with my new walking stick

IMAG7580

IMAG7607 Penguins 🙂

IMAG7613 Loved this dude!

IMAG7616 Harvey looking at the turtles

IMAG7621 So beautiful

IMAG7624 The best picture I could get of them both lol 🙂

IMAG7634 Boo telling me all about the sharks above us 🙂

IMAG7681 Happy Leo enjoying his time with his uncle Dyll

IMAG7692 My new adult colouring book

IMAG7703 Cool new crystals

IMAG7704 IMAG7705 IMAG7707 Doing some colouring in, in bed surrounded by my babies 🙂

IMAG7709 A little bit of a doodle

IMAG7710 IMAG7711  Some more mandala’s I’ve done

IMAG7716 Someone looks like she’s up to mischief lol

IMAG7717 The start of my first full A4 piece

IMAG7731 Harvey at the park on our boys day

IMAG7739 Another little picture I did, as I got stuck on my bigger picture

IMAG7741 Lego space shuttle

IMAG7752 Bedtime for my gorgeous babies

IMAG7762 Mine and L’s tattoos lol 😀 love it so so much

IMAG7772 Harley loves her little house

IMAG7782 Foxy girl says Hi 🙂

IMAG7785 Finished picture 🙂 love this one.

IMAG7792  Finished 🙂 my first full A4 picture, took 5 days to complete, loved this one too.

IMAG7793 Good morning scrappy doodles

IMAG7794 Morning snuggles with Harley

IMAG7797 But DADDDD its not too early to start playing fetch! PLEASE throw my turtle, look how cute I am!

IMAG7798 Harley looking rather evil lol

IMAG7801 Copying daddy stretching out on the sofa

IMAG7805 Pups heading to the park together 🙂

IMAG7809 Haha boo boo trying so hard to break his stick! had sound effects and everything lol

IMAG7814 Boo boo giving Foxy girl gentle kisses

IMAG7817 Harvey playing with the pups

IMAG7823 Foxy girl watching tv 🙂

IMAG7827 Sunday Selfie of this handsome boy lol

IMAG7828 She’s sooo tired she fell asleep with her butt in the air lol

IMAG7832 Arnie and Foxy having snuggles

IMAG7833 Feeding time at the zoo lol

IMAG7837 IMAG7838 Snuggles with my babies

IMAG7842 Marley always sits in front of me and just stares lol

IMAG7846 My gorgeous Harley Quinn looking at herself in my phones camera lol

Well that’s just a peek of my life in pictures over the last few weeks 🙂 it’s been busy but fun. All my passion and love are in these pictures ❤

Peace out

Batman

Writing helps me make sense of my brain

I was going to post some pictures of the last few weeks but my laptop is being so slow! and it’s really irritating so I shall try again tomorrow.

Feeling much better today, I think writing yesterday really helped me to work through everything that was going through my head. It got it all out an I have things that I can work on to help.

I actually slept well last night 🙂 probably for the first time in a while.

Woke up with really achy legs, my leg muscles are always so so sore the day after I do my injection 😦 but they didn’t feel better until I had a little nap.

Got myself showered and dressed and on days like this I am so grateful of my shower stool because there was no way I could of had a shower without sitting this morning, my legs hurt too much.

Didn’t feel confident enough to take my stick out with me today even though I should have. I managed without it ok though.

I met L and the boys in town, L treated me to a tattoo 🙂 I love it so much and I so needed a bit of pain therapy! Was good fun

After we slowly made our way back to L’s picked up the pup and went to the park for a few hours, which was good.

Headed back to mine, all my furkids were happy to see me 🙂

Did the house work, so I don’t have to do it tomorrow. Went and got stuff to make dinner with next week and picked up my prescription.

Just been relaxing this evening watching CSI Vegas and playing with my furkids 🙂

Having a nice roast dinner tomorrow at L’s so looking forward to that, can’t beat a good roast.

Think I am going to do a little bit of colouring in my book before getting myself to bed.

11873967_10155854556405456_1074638198_n our tattoo’s 🙂

Peace out

Batman