A day in the life of a trans guy – 6 months post top surgery.

Time is flying by faster then I can keep up with, it’s just crazy. But today marks 6 months since I had top surgery.

I’m slowly starting to connect with my chest and slowly starting to realise that I’ve finally had this life changing, life saving surgery that I’ve been wanting since puberty.

Still struggling a bit with the gender dysphoria and recognising myself but I think its a natural part of being trans.

I don’t think I look at my chest enough, I don’t look at myself and appreciate my new body. I think I was focused on recovering from surgery and it going well without any complications that I wasn’t really present and I was pretty lonely during recovery as well, so I didn’t have anyone around to be excited about surgery with and to share it with.

Looking back at leading up to surgery and after surgery I was kinda disconnected from it and as I’m used to being in hospitals and I’ve had lots of minor surgeries before, I just kinda treated it like any other procedure I’ve had to go through. I was really excited on the day of surgery and just after but it didn’t last very long. I just came at it like something I had to go through and I do feel sad now that I was that disconnected, I feel sad that I didn’t have anyone close to share the excitement with, I feel sad that I had no support during the recovery period, I felt quite let down.

I’ve felt quite lonely during my transition, despite friends being supportive and being happy for me. Apart from 1 appointment last year and the friends who took me to appointments before surgery, who took me there, took me home and took me to follow up appointments, I’ve spent the last 4 years going to appointments alone. It’s something that still makes me feel really sad, more then I think people know. As its not something I really express as it can’t be changed now.

But moving forward, I know I need to try and spend more time looking at my chest and touching my chest, so my brain starts making that connection with my new body. I think when it starts getting warmer and I spend more time walking around the flat topless, that will also help as well.

I’m still really happy with the results and how well my scars look and I’m super grateful to have been able to have this surgery done. I do feel better for having it done, just its such a huge emotional experience and as I am a super sensitive person, I’m sure its something that will take me a while to process.

Here are pictures from today.

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 18 on T

Week 18 on testosterone landed on Boxing Day, I just about had time to do a short video but that was it.

I had a great Christmas day at my brothers and yesterday I had a good day with my friends.

I can’t believe its two weeks since my last shot and two weeks until my next. I think my voice is finally starting to change and is a bit more noticeable now, which is cool. My nephew was sat next to me the other day and he got right in my face and said omg Dyllan you’ve got a beard. It was so funny!

I haven’t really checked in with how I’ve been feeling so I’ve got no idea, I’ve just been trying to ignore how I feel and have a good time. I’m sure once everything gets back to normal, I’ll be able to check in with how I feel.

I’ve spent all my Christmas money and some more lol but was worth it. Got the two hoodies and top that I’ve been after for ages. I got the Lego Ninjago movie game today but I bought trainers…not in the sale lol and not with Christmas money…oops but I needed some new ones. So I feel good for treating myself, oh I also got the Blurt Foundation self care book and its really good. It will good to use in the Dorset Mind groups.

I got a letter from the gender clinic the other day to say they’re changing my appointment in April to July! which I am super pissed off about. This appointment is for my first consultation for top surgery, I wouldn’t mind if it got changed for like a month but 3 months takes the piss. My last appointment got changed twice! so I’m gonna be pissed if they do that with this appointment. My chest causes me the most pain and anxiety! I want this sorted. But I’ll ring in the new year and see why they changed it and if there’s anything they can do. I’ll see if I can plead my case.

 

Week 18 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Batman

Update – I’ve not written in forever

I haven’t written my blog for about 4 months now, mainly because my old laptop SUCKS! So I since have gotten myself a nice new laptop, it’s a gaming laptop and its a good spec for what I want it for and a decent price too. I have it on tick so paying it off monthly.

Jeez so much has happened in the last few weeks let alone four months. I’m not going to cover it all right now, but I’ll write the basics of what’s been going on and then I’m going to start writing more regularly again.

I don’t even know where to start right now, ummm ok I’ll start with the gender identity stuff. 6 weeks ago I went to the Gender Identity Clinic in London to see the psychiatrist, he was super nice and we talked for about an hour. He gave me the 2nd yes I needed to start testosterone. I was flying high that day I can tell you, I was so happy that finally things are on the move and I’m getting to where I want to be. However I am still waiting on the letter for the GIC about starting T, which is pretty frustrating it’s like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey. But I’ve been ringing up every 2 weeks and tomorrow I’m going to ring up again and chase up the paper work so I don’t get forgotten. I know they have a 8 week backlog of paperwork, which is why I need to keep chasing until  I get my paperwork sorted. I’m starting to get impatient now, I just wanna get started on my new journey. I feel as though I am in some sort of limbo just waiting, not really anywhere.. just here not really anywhere. I do also have some levels of anxiety about starting T, I’m anxious that it will make my bipolar harder to control then it already it at the moment. I’m anxious about my chest, as I don’t/can’t bind my chest.. so yeah that’s my biggest anxiety really. Anyway that’s the basics of that aspect of my life, just waiting.

Physical health stuff is doing alright with my new med regime that I started earlier on in the year. The only thing I stopped is the steroid nose drops, as they gave me a migraine every day. I’m not having any side effects from the mycophenolate which makes a nice change and physically I’ve been feeling alright on it. I’ve not had any sinus infections yet, which again is such a relief as pretty much all of 2016 was one big snot fest of a sinus infection, that was my punishment for stopping methotrexate against the doctors wishes.

Mental health stuff…where do I start with this, its been a hell of a 3 months regarding my bipolar. As soon as it became sunny my mood went up but I didn’t think anything of it really until a week or so ago my mood crashed. Looking back on it I was having a hypo-manic episode, it’s not as bad as a manic episode its like a level down from a manic episode. I think I was more annoyed at myself for not seeing it sooner but it is what it is I suppose, I think it took me by surprise a bit.  But on the plus side I got loads of stuff done, made some awesome memories and that so it wasn’t all bad. The come down have been pretty fucking shit though, some days I’ve been so depressed I just wanna die, although I haven’t felt suicidal I just didn’t want to exist any more. Other days I’ve felt really agitated, angry and just really on edge but with loads of energy so I think that’s been a mixed mood state. One day the agitation was so bad that I cut myself… but I don’t really remember much of that day or what happened it was a bit of a blur. I’ve been dissociating a lot as well, so I don’t remember a lot of things that have happened, some days I can’t even remember if I’ve eaten or not. I have big gaps of time missing and trying to recall anything is really difficult and that’s super frustrating. I find the dissociation the most difficult to deal with above everything else. I feel so absent like my body is just floating along and I’m above it with strings like a puppeteer moving the shell of my body along through the days and nights that just merge into one. Even writing this is difficult as my mind keeps wandering off into space somewhere.

This past few days I’ve just taken some time to myself to look after myself and my needs, I’ve slept lots, upped my meds, ate sort of well and I’ve just binged watched tv and played with my fur babies. I think I’m starting to feel a lil more human but I don’t want to get too excited about feeling alright.

I forgot to mention that I started Slimming world 14 weeks ago and I’ve lost 1 stone 3 lbs. Super proud of myself, I never thought I’d be able to lose weight in a healthy way but I have and I especially never thought I’d be able to sustain the weight loss on all the medication I’m on. Highly recommend Slimming world to anyone who wants to lose weight in a healthy way.

So yeah that’s me really in short, there’s probably tons I’ve missed out but I think I’ve gotten the most important things down. Now I have a nice new laptop that takes seconds to start-up, I’m going to write far more regularly than I have been.

Peace out

Batman

Health update – New Med Regime – So far So Good

I haven’t posted for a while in detail about my  health issues and transition, so as I am sitting at the laptop downloading pictures and stuff I thought I would write about what’s been going on in a bit more detail.

In January I finally had my first appointment with my new Rheumatologist in Southampton hospital and it went really well and he was super nice. I saw him again on 2nd March, which was also my birthday lol. He started me on a new med called Mycophenolate 500mgs twice a day. It’s going ok so far, it’s caused a bit of insomnia but I am hoping that will sort itself out. I got back in 4 months time, which is good. I also got to have monthly bloods again now I am back on an immunosuppressant drug, which I’m used too having been on Methotrexate.

This week I saw my new ENT doc at Southampton and he gave me Neil med Sinus rinse, Flixonase nose drops and a 8 week course of Doxycycline to try and get on top of this sinus infection, before we talk about any surgical intervention. Which I understand, he’s got protocols to follow. I really hope this all works out and we don’t have to go down the surgical route. I got a follow up in June.

Mental health stuff is going ok-ish, just still struggling with dissociation, depersonalisation and derealisation. But I am finding that taking pics and posting on social media is helping me stay in the moment. Also I am finding things to do to keep me busy to help keep me in the moment, like playing on the PS4, Lego, playing with the dogs, arts and crafts etc I am really trying my best so I don’t have to go back to the CMHT.

On Thursday I saw the Endocrinologist at the gender identity clinic in London and he said my health issues and medication will not interfere with my medical transition, especially starting Testosterone. Which is absolutely amazing news, so so happy about that. The only thing he did say is that I’m overweight..yup already knew that lol! but he did also say that my last blood results said that my cholesterol was a bit high, so before starting T I’ve got to get my weight down otherwise I will be more at risk of a heart attack. Which is fine, I know I need to lose weight, I’m not happy with my weight as is it right now. My next appointment isn’t until June but I’ve been put on the cancellation list, fingers crossed it will be sooner. My next appointment will be hopefully where I get the yes to start T, so its all super exciting.

So yeah everything is pretty much going ok, I’m happy with my new med regime and I really hope it improves my health.

Peace out

Batman

 

Food diary – Week 5

This week has been a bit difficult food wise, eating has been giving me anxiety. I think its related to my weight and gender dysphoria, as that’s been pretty bad this week.

For those who don’t know, I am a trans guy. That means I was born female but I don’t identify with the female body parts and this causes a great deal of distress. I am currently waiting for an appointment to talk about starting testosterone, so that’s super exciting. My weight gain hasn’t helped with how I feel about my body but I am changing my diet little by little but its difficult with all the other things I have to contend with.

Anyway, I tried two different things this week. One was Kippers…I didn’t like them, is the short answer to trying that one lol. But I did also try pineapple, I just bought fresh pineapple that was already sliced up. I live on my own and didn’t want to waste a whole pineapple. I really enjoyed the pineapple, it was so sweet and sharp but tasted good.

As usual I googled to see if the dogs could eat pineapple and turns out they can, so they both had a try but only Scrappy ate it, Foxy was not impressed lol. It said I can freeze the pineapple for tasty summer treats for the puppers, so that’s good to know.

As usual no plans of what I’m gonna have next week, can’t think about that right now.

Peace out

Batman

G.I.C workshop @ Charing Cross hospital

I am so so so tired, I probably should get to bed right now. But I need to get stuff out my head before I can sleep and rest properly.

Monday night it took me nearly an hour to get to sleep because I was so anxious about Tues morning and it was so weird not having the pups in bed with me. But I eventually got to sleep…not for long though as I was up at 5:45 am Tuesday morning.

I got up, had breakfast, showered, dressed and sorted my backpack out. Man it was so weird, the flat was so quiet without the pups lol. Mind I didn’t miss scrappy following me about with his toys waiting for me to play fetch every 2 seconds! I had some time to watch a bit of tv and check my backpack like a hundred times to make sure I’ve got absolutely everything I needed. Anxious much! eeeep!

Whilst walking to the coach stop, my heart started racing, I was hot/cold and sweaty, I was shaking internally. I was a mess lol and at one point I felt like walking back home. But I carried on and I got on the coach, put my seatbelt on and off the coach went.

As the time went on my anxiety lessened because well, I was on the motorway on the way to Hammersmith London, there was no turning back lol. So I just had to get on with it! I had a nice lady sat next to me and we chatted a bit, she also gave me some directions as well which was great and totally spot on 🙂

The fucking weather was crap, it was raining heavily on and off all day. When I got off the coach I managed to walk and find my way to the gender identity clinic. I was an hour early but I was there, safe and sound. Oh on the way though some absolute fucking cock drove straight through a puddle and soaked me! I was not fucking impressed, so I flipped him off and shouted cunt at him lol!

Oh I was the first person waiting…haha. There was another guy that turned up not long after me, so we sat and chatted while we were waiting and he took my number. Loads of people soon started piling in! Which as a bit overwhelming but cool to see so many trans peeps in the same place 🙂 Some were out like me, some weren’t and some were non binary etc, so yeah it was cool.

The workshop itself was good, talked about what to expect, went through the process and what sort of things are available to us, what is covered by the NHS and what things aren’t (all is covered apart from a boob job) Talked us through the surgeries, female to male and male to female, saw some graphic surgery pictures lol! That was a bit gross, especially the male to female surgery! EEEEP! But overall it was really good and I enjoyed it. Oh and I was chatting to a lady in there and I gave her to details of the trans group I go to as she doesn’t live too far from me which is cool.

I headed back to the coach stop, picking up a sandwich on the way through because I was so freaking hungry. But I could have actually stopped to eat something properly because the coach was an hour late! My phone had died and the plug on the coach where I was sat was broken… and the battery life on my tab is awful. I couldn’t really relax because I was just so anxious to get to L’s to get my babies!

The coach was 40 mins late getting to Bournemouth but the traffic and road works was fucking awful on the way back. I hopped into a taxi and went to L’s 🙂 OMG it was soooo good to see my happy babies! Scrappy was crying bless him and foxy was happy barking at me lol!

I stayed at L’s for a little bit, just to catch up 🙂 didn’t stay too long because I just needed to get into my bed so bad.

Got the bus home with the pups, chatting to a few friends.

Got in, grabbed some food, meds, chargers for phone and tab, chucked phone and tab in my bedroom, got a nice cold can of Pepsi and collapsed onto my bed with a big sigh of relief. Ah meds, food and a nice cold can of Pepsi was so lush!

I caught up with a few peeps online who were asking me about my day but I couldn’t stay up much longer. So I was sound asleep by about half 11 pm I think.

Wow it was a really long day but I am so so chuffed that I went and I did it all by myself 🙂 and I made some friends too!

Today I woke up at 9 am, went for a pee, had something to eat and drink and went back to bed until 12 pm, I soooo needed it but I’m still not really fully functional lol. I’ve been in my own world most of the day.

I did do the housework this afternoon, did a load of laundry…that leaked grey and black onto lighter coloured clothes…oops lol! But whatever..

Went into town, got electric, paid my rent and treated myself to some new stuff. I got new trainers, boxers and two t-shirts. I think I bloody well deserved it 😀 that’s my story and I am sticking to it! haha.

Got back and relaxed for a bit, took some pain meds as my legs were aching. Then took the pups out for a nice walk 🙂

This evening I’ve just been relaxing, wasn’t really hungry so just had a sandwich for dinner. Been catching up with my groups online which has been cool 🙂

I suppose I am feeling ok tonight, just tired. I don’t really feel really happy or really depressed. I just feel ok…maybe I feel a little down but I think that’s because well it has been a hell of a week. I think the London trip was a massive distraction from what’s actually going on in my head if that makes sense. I was so anxious and wrapped up with worrying about the workshop that everything else I was worrying about has been pushed away. But I can feel it all slowly creeping back into my head, which sucks but there are things I need to deal with, like the shitty benefits wankers! URGH! So yeah I am fully expecting my mood to drop again.

Physically I’m ok, just really achy and tired. My skin on my right hand is really peeling all over my fingers. I’m not complaining because I like picking it but it does get a lil sore. I think I’m having a lil flare up because every day I feel a bit run down, which is a really crappy feeling.

Right I need to get to bed,

Peace out

Batman

Gender clinic letter! woohoo!

Only 10 pm and I am totally ready for bed already lol, I am just SO rock and roll on a Saturday night :p after I’ve written this I may do some colouring, depending on how I feel, because right now I am tired and really achy…..but that’s nothing new lol.

So I’ll catch up a bit,

Fri – Well I didn’t get to sleep until nearly 3 am but I woke up at 9:30 am, just had a wee, had breakfast and watched a bit of TV before going back to bed from 11 am -1 pm lol, I totally needed it though.

I cleaned the flat, I managed to do it by myself. Although I totally overdid it and my arm killed so so much. But I felt better for the flat being clean.

Got a letter from the gender clinic Charing Cross 😀 EEEEEK! They got my referral and they have offered me a place to do a workshop there which is cool and not far off either. The waiting list is 13 months, I am so freaking excited! WOOHOO!

H came over for a bit before her app, I didn’t get showered and dressed until she left and after I took the pups across the road for a run and met H there after her app. Dropped the pups home and went to the shop, I treated myself to a Batman birthday cake! 🙂 I’ve been feeling so crappy and in pain that I fucking well deserve CAKE!

We both chilled out, had takeaway for dinner again 🙂 but we both totally deserve it after all we’ve been through this year. We watched a film too which was cool.

H left after the film and I walked a bit of the way with her to take the pups for a wee.

Chilled out for a bit and tried to write but I couldn’t concentrate so I just took my meds, did my injection and went to sleep and I had a good sleep just under 12 hours lol!

So back to this rocking Saturday, I woke up at 11 am! I almost never sleep that long any more without waking up a billion times in between. Think this is my first really decent nights sleep since starting the lowered dose of quetiapine. I did feel better for it energy wise but pain wise it didn’t make any difference.

Chilled out watching friends for a bit, then got my butt into gear and had a shower, got dressed and took the pups to meet L and the boys.

We all went to Baiter park and played about in the tree’s lol 🙂 we weren’t there long but it was really fun.

Came back to mine for a bit, I took Harvey out for an hour and I took him to the comic shop but it was shut, so I treated him to some toys instead and I got boo some cars, I got L some Vindaloo and yoghurt chocolate. Love treating them all 🙂

I treated us all to a pizza hut for dinner 😀 it was so yum and we all enjoyed it. Had some cake after too. YUM so glad my appetite is good at the moment.

After L and the boys left I just watched tv for a bit and filled out some forms for the gender clinic and written stuff on my calender for September 🙂 So I know what bills are coming out when and what I’m meant to be doing when so I don’t forget.

Just been relaxing this evening, well trying too. I can’t seem to get comfortable at all, my legs and back are really sore, along with the rest of my body. I can’t wait to jump into bed and sleep, also can’t wait to spend tomorrow just by myself. I so need a day to myself just to chill and do nothing.

Physically I feel like shit everything really hurts and I don’t seem to be getting any relief at all from my tramadol, which is really fucking shitty! If this carries on into next week then I will book in to see my GP cuz I can’t cope with this much longer.

Mentally I’m ok just drained by everything, but my letter from the gender clinic did lift my mood quite a bit. Still struggling with everything but I think that’s normal with everything I am dealing with right now.

Some pictures from the last few days

 Meeee, look at those bruised legs lol

 me and my Mr Scrappy doodles

 Bruised elbow near the fracture

 Swollen painful hand

 Mr Doodles 🙂

 My gorgeous Foxy girl

 Happy Foxy girl

 Cats playing with their new toy 🙂

 Found a Harvey in the tree lol

 Boys playing

 Foxy girl didn’t want to play lol bless her. It was cold and raining.

Peace out

Batman