Shining light

It’s been a few weeks since I last wrote anything and I’m feeling less angry and frustrated then I was in my last blog.

I took the decision to up my trazadone again to help me sleep better and hopefully help me feel less depressed and so far I’m sleeping a better most nights and I’m starting to feel a little better too. I don’t feel so hopeless and so lost in the darkness, I still don’t feel great but I can see the shimmer of light at the end of the darkness, I’ve just got to keep reaching out for it.

I’ve been trying to make little changes to my daily life, that will help continue to make me feel a bit better and to prepare myself for the winter months. Each year I struggle with my mood during the winter and every year it really hits me, so I’ve been trying to prepare myself so its not going to be so much of a shock when it rolls around.

I have written up a rough plan of things to do day to day, some of these things are non negotiable, like take my meds in the morning and evening, getting to bed at a reasonable time things like that. But also to get outside for at least 30 mins each day, especially when the clocks change. As some days I like to just chill and I don’t get dressed until 4pm, which during the summer months is fine as I have loads of time still to enjoy the sunshine. But in the winter it gets dark by 4pm, so I’m going to make sure that no mater how I’m feeling I make sure I spend time outside, soak in that vitamin D from the sun. I love being outside in nature so it shouldn’t be too much of a drag. Even something as small as that I know will make a huge difference to how I feel from day to day.

I love my lists and I’ve been spending nearly every day just writing and writing. One list is of self care stuff, things like washing my face masks regularly as that’s a new thing I need to do better, or using my SAD light every day, listening to what my body wants and needs. Just simple things.

This winter is going to be a tough one as we’re heading into another lockdown and firs time around I found it so hard and winter on top of that is going to bring added stress. But I feel much more prepared this time, that’s why I’ve been writing lists down, mainly as a reminder of things I can be doing to make myself feel better and help me get through this next part a bit easier and I know what to expect now so its not going to be so much of a shock to the system.

I think I mainly operate from my inner child, he’s in charge most of the time. Which is fine but at the moment he’s feeling scared, anxious and unsafe and that’s the main reason I’ve been trying to prepare myself for the winter months to ease the anxieties of my inner child and to make him feel safe. Which he is a bit more settled then he was but he’s still highly anxious and just wants everything in place to feel as safe as possible. Which I am currently working on and I’m not far off having everything ready but I’m not quite finished.

Trying to calm my inner child down has been difficult, but I’ve been trying to listen and trying to identify his needs and what he wants, but it’s tricky as he has complex needs from traumatic events in our life. Slowly I will heal us both, through counselling and lots of patience and self care. I’ve been trying to heal myself for the last 20 years but I’ve never even really scratched the surface until now, I think I’m finally ready to heal. I can’t keep bleeding, I can’t keep letting this little boy hurt, he deserves to feel better now. I want my life to be better now, I want things to be different, I want to break the patterns that I’ve been repeating for the last 35 years. I’m ready to be happy.

One of my self care/regular activities is to try and blog on a bit more of a regular basis. I love writing/blogging and my anxiety/procrastination stops me just getting on with it. I think sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed I can’t physically do anything so I don’t and then I feel annoyed because I haven’t done anything. So I am going to try and make more of a conscious effort to push through the anxiety and sit down and write. I always feel so much better for it, I just need to get over myself and do it! With any luck I’ll be here writing again soon and not with weeks or even months in between posts.

Now I’m sleeping much better at night, I’m getting between 7-9 hours a night, which is much better then the 4-6 hours I was getting, my appetite is a bit better as well. I’m not binge eating sugar because I’m tired. Hopefully I’ll loose a bit of weight now, as I’m not eating half as much as I was, I’m actually eating a proper breakfast every morning as well and I’m trying to eat dinner too, whether that be something I cook or a takeaway at least I’m eating meals rather then just shovelling chocolate into my face all day long.

Getting a good nights sleep for me is so important, it improves my mood, my appetite, I can manage my chronic fatigue better. It’s so easy to slip into bad habits when depressed but at the moment I’m really aware of what makes things worse for me and having all these lists of things will definitely help. Getting into a routine of going to bed at a reasonable time and having a slightly more structured day is slow going, it won’t ever be perfect but I’ve got a good start on it.

Well that’s all for now

Peace out

Zak

Benefits SUCK…continued..

WOW my previous post was rather positive at the end lol, I always seem to be able to be positive, I have NO idea where/why or how I continue. Like seriously how how do I do this?! I really don’t get it, I suppose it’s because I don’t have a choice. Well I do but then I would die a female and I don’t want that. So I am sort of stuck..stuck with this body that is wrong for so many fucking reasons, stuck with this bullshit government for the next 4 years. Being in this limbo is horrible, it’s the worst place ever. Definitely feel like I am stuck in some kind of purgatory right now. It’s like I am screaming as loud as I can but no one can hear me, it’s horrible.

I have had even more fucking shit news and have been screwed over YET again my that cock at number 10 Mr Cameron! My money has been cut AGAIN! So yeah I’m screwed… and I have to appeal this as well. Although I am not going to attempt to ring anyone or whatever until Monday because I just cannot deal with it right now and I want to enjoy the rest of the week and weekend. Plus I need the anger to subside otherwise nothing will productive will come out of my brain or my mouth lol.

I just cannot believe that as someone with all the health issues that I have, that I have to appeal to get money to live on because I am unable to work. It is beyond disgusting and I didn’t think I would have any issues with this at all and I did keep thinking maybe I was just being cocky…and yes it proves that I was! But seriously it’s disgusting and people who are even sicker then me are being denied benefits! It’s outrageous! It’s sick that in this world right now, unless you are elite you simply don’t matter. We are just their little pawns in all of this.

I could write pages and pages about how I HATE this world right now, there are parts of the world I love, I love the progress the LGBT community has made even in the last year and many other communities. But I hate what this world has become, maybe because I now am seeing the worlds through an adults eyes and because I believe I am awakened and I see what is going on, I see through what is put out by the media, I see through all the propaganda. I have learnt not to trust everything I read or even see in the news. I have learnt to question everything because of how the world is right now. I want to see this world as a child again, it was less scary, less depressing, less hopeless.

So how am I feeling…I am stressed, really fucking stressed. But right this second I am trying really hard to be mindful and to stay in the moment because right this second I cannot do anything about my situation about my benefits and I’m not going to until Monday because I want to enjoy the rest of the week and weekend and reboot for the fight that I have on my hands.

I’m still fighting a sinus infection too, that I’ve had since well forever it feels like. Yesterday all I could do was sleep, I was just so exhausted and so achy and I felt so weak, feeble and helpless, that sleep was pretty much the only option. I ached that much I had to go back to bed and not on the sofa like I usually do for a nap, as I needed something to support my joints a bit more. I see my GP tomorrow and I am going to ask him to refer me back to ears nose and throat. Something is obviously going on, that is beyond the help of antibiotics alone. I’ve had 3 weeks worth so far and they’ve not touched it.. I think I needed my sinuses cleared out again, it’s been a few years since that was last done.

Actually I have a hospital appointment on Monday for thoracic medicine, this hospital currently has an our break of the norovirus. This is raging through the wards and they have actually shut wards down because of it. I always get paranoid going to hospitals when they have an outbreak of anything, even though I won’t be going to the wards I will still be in the building. Anyway I will also be able to talk to this doc about my sinus issues and see if he can help or suggest anything.

I have one bit of awesome news today though and that’s M from Mindout asked me if I wanted to be a volunteer at the Bournemouth group as well as the Weymouth group 🙂 I obviously accepted because I love being part of that group and I love being able to share my experience and the things I have learned that have helped me. Although this means I have to be really nice to everyone even if I feel like I want to punch them in the face….I don’t feel like that really.. 😉 lol! No it’s cool and will be good fun and I think my first session I will be taking will be about mindfulness. M does have a knack for making me cry…I don’t know what it is, out of all the counsellors, therapists and even friends and partners, I do not cry in front of ANYONE. But I have now cried twice, proper bawling my eyes out, with snot and everything! Just rudeness lol, but I never feel embarrassed or stupid. It’s weird… maybe its cuz I know she won’t hug me, or try and make it better and she just lets me be. I don’t know how to explain it or why it’s happened twice now. But crying for me is an massive issue, like it’s just not something I do and if I do, then I cry alone and don’t tell anyone about it. Stiff upper lip and all that British-ness..lol and manliness lol.

My head is hurting now as are my joints, so I need to wrap this up and get myself into bed so I can rest enough to deal with another day. Actually tomorrow isn’t that awful, the pups have the groomers in the morning and then I have to doctors in late afternoon.

My beautiful Foxy girl is 4 years old today 🙂 She got a new laser pen, which all 4 of them love and on Saturday she is having a party with her doggy friends…I know some would think its a bit sad but I do not care!

 Foxy with her new bandanda 🙂

Peace out

Batman