Living with a chronic illness

I’ve not written much about my health lately, mainly because I’ve been super busy with like a trillion appointments!

It feels great having such a great team of doctors around me but that comes with a lot of appointments. The team of doctors and nurses looking after my care are incredible and I am so grateful for them. I love the NHS!

My Rheumatologist over sees everything, but he is just one Doc apart of my team, I also have a Ears nose and throat doc, physiotherapist, and podiatrist. I also have to go to the hospital for a blood test every 8 weeks. I have two other appointments for my medical transition, I see a nurse every 3 weeks for my testosterone shot and also the gender clinic.

Since January I’ve had a total of 9 doctors and hospital appointments and I have another 7 coming up in the next 6 weeks!

Appointments mean a lot of early mornings and a lot of bus rides and days of recovery from these appointments.

My treatment is going well but like the appointments its takes up time as well. I take medication in the morning and in the evening, which have two pill boxes that I have to fill up every Monday, I do a sinus rinse twice a day, morning and evening but sometimes in the afternoon if my sinuses are playing up and physio exercises.

The treatment itself seems simple but if you add in the human element of chronic pain, chronic fatigue, getting ill, depression, dysphoria, disassociation, insomnia, memory issues and no motivation, then its not so simple.

Some days its so hard to get myself up an organised and get everything done before even leaving the house, that I often can’t get out until 2-3pm. Some days its such a struggle, some days are a bit easier but everyday is hard work.

Mental health has a huge impact on physical health and visa versa, which complicates matters. Even after all these years of dealing with these things it only feels like recently things are more under control and I am being properly cared for, but its still not easy and I’m still learning about myself and learning different ways to deal with whatever is thrown at me.

I don’t think living with a chronic illness will ever be easy and I don’t think its something I’ll every truly accept and its something I’ll never stop learning to deal with. But all I can say is that I am trying my hardest to maintain good physical and mental health, which in itself is a full time job.

Overall things are on the right path, at the moment its about maintaining good physical health with medications, physio, insoles in my shoes, sinus rinses and hospital appointments.

Peace out

Zak

Living with a chronic illness – Hospital appointments

I’ve not written about my physical health for a while, but in the last week I’ve had 3 hospital appointments which was crazy! They’re like buses all come at the same time!

The first hospital appointment was Wednesday 16th Jan was my first physiotherapy appointment and it went really well. He gave me some exercises to do, which I’ve been doing most days. I know I need to do them everyday, but I’m feeling overwhelmed at the moment, so most days is better then non. He basically said that physio and insoles in my shoes will be something I need for the rest of my life because I am on the higher end of the scale for hyper-mobility, of which he said I score 9/9 which wasn’t really news to be. But I came away feeling happier, it seems like I will have continual care regarding physio, which isn’t something I’ve had before and its something I feel I will need for a while in order for me to make sure I’m doing my exercises and that its continuing to help with the chronic pain. He said where my muscles and ligaments are fairly weak from the hyper-mobility, these regular exercises will help strengthen them in hopes that is will help the main areas of my chronic pain, which is lower back, hips, knees and ankles. Overall a good appointment, my next one is in March so I have sometime to do my best with these exercises.

This Wednesday 23rd I has 2 hospital appointments in the same day, which made for an incredibly long, exhausting day.

My first appointment was at Christchurch hospital at 11 am and that was for Rheumatology, as soon as I got there I saw the nurse and she came over and said hello to me, I asked her if she needed a pee sample as I was bursting to go! and she said yeah sure that would be helpful and got me a sample point so I could go. I waited for about 10 mins for my appointment, as I was a bit early. Man its so bloody hot in hospitals! I was all wrapped up in a million jumpers as it was cold outside and had to take them all off when I sat down, for fear of boiling to death! When she had finished up with her previous patient she called me in. She’s quite a young nurse, I think she’s around my age (I’m 33) or a bit younger, she’s so easy to talk to and we talked about everything from my physical health to my transition. Which is great to have a nurse ask questions and actually be interested in me as a whole person. She’s going to ask me physio to write me a letter for the gender clinic re top surgery, as its something I forgot to ask him when I saw him. I said that the physio had said my posture needs correcting and I explained to her, my posture is bad because I often roll my shoulders in and hunch my back to hide my chest as I don’t bind very often and I explained that having top surgery would correct my posture because I wouldn’t have to be always hiding my chest. I asked if he could write a letter in support of top surgery as it may help push things along, she was very understanding and said it makes total sense. The plan is to have a dexa scan (bone density scan) to check my bones, as my last dexa was in 2016, so I’m due a scan. She also agreed its time to see how well I do coming off steroids, as I’ve been on them half my life and its time to see if I can remain well off them. The plan is to go from 5mgs to 4mgs for 4 weeks, longer if I don’t feel great. She said to go which how I’m feeling and then after that go down to 3mgs for 4 weeks and by then I’ll be seen by her again to catch up with how everything is going. I start on the lowered dose tomorrow, I’m a bit nervous, as I know its not going to make me feel so great to start with but I’ll stick with it. Overall another great appointment.

I got the bus into town and I had some time to kill and I was hungry, I decided to treat myself and I went to a ice cream parlour, where I had a Oreo waffle, covered in chocolate sauce, crumbled Oreos and toffee ice cream. I couldn’t eat it all but it was sooo nice and very much needed, seeing as I’d been up since 6:45am!

I got the next bus to Poole hospital and this was an ENT – ears, nose and throat appointment. My appointment was at 2:30pm and I got there 10 mins early and again MAN it was so freaking hot in there! They ran 50 mins late, I was so exhausted and getting a bit agitated because I was hot and wanted to go home. But it was worth the wait and thank god for our NHS we are so lucky to have it. This was a new ENT doc to me, she was super nice and easy to talk too and had clearly read my notes which was great. There were a couple of students in there, observing appointments, I love having students in my appointments because these young people will be looking after me when I’m older and if they are interested in specialising in rare medical conditions then I am definitely all for it! I’ve had meetings with rooms full of doctors, I’m always participating in studies where the hospital shares my tests results ets, I’ve spoken to many student doctors and nurses over the years and I think its really important for them to be observing and learning different aspect of patients that in the future will be their patients. I digress, but its an important point. We had a brief chat about my medical history and asked how I’m currently doing, as to which I said I’m doing well although I’ve had quite a blocked nose recently but I think that’s to do with the cold weather and going from hot to cold environments. She saw me at her voice clinic, so she could have a look up my nose and down to my vocal chords. It was pretty cool to see it on the screen, as she recorded it so I could have a look. She was surprised that I don’t have a hole in my septum, as that is often a symptom of my condition, which as a reminder is called Granulomatosis with Polyangiitis/Churg Strauss syndrome, so that’s good news! She was also surprised that I have no irreparable damage up my nose, vocal chords or wind pipe, despite the fact I’ve had my wind pipe chemically widened a few times in my late teens early 20’s. She said everything looks great and it shows that my condition has been well controlled over the years. She agreed to see me again in 6 months to touch base but if I need anything in between then I can call and see her sooner if I need too. Again despite the long wait, it was worth it.

I”m really happy with how things are going for me health wise at the moment, I have a great team of doctors looking after me and I feel listened too which for me is so important and I also feel involved in my care, which is something I’ve not had before, mainly because I was 14/15 at the time I of my diagnosis.

The long day didn’t hit me until Friday afternoon. Friday morning my mum came round at 9:30 am, she helped me sort out the curtains in the bedroom as I had just thrown them up years ago, they’re too long and I’d not pulled the string through so they were really baggy at the top. She showed me how to do all that which was cool as they look better now. We went to a cafe, for a drink and a scone which was nice. She dropped me back and I went for my testosterone shot at 12pm. After I walked home, I got the dogs ready to go out (didn’t leave straight away) and as it was nice sunny and fairly warm, we got the bus to Hamworthy park. It was such a nice walk, at one point I was sat on the bench watching scrappy running in and out of the sea and foxy just wandering about with the warm sun hitting my face, just perfect. We got back about 3:40, scrappy had to have a shower as he was covered in sand. I fully reclined both sides of my sofa, covered it with blankets, did up the hot water bottles and ordered some lunch/dinner. After I’d eaten a wave of tiredness came over me, I snuggled up on the sofa with the dogs and the cats and I think I fell asleep for about 2 hours. It was so needed, I’d felt exhausted all day but it didn’t really hit me till I stopped and that exhaustion lasted till Saturday.

Its funny I don’t always feel the effects of a long day like that, till a couple of days later. But I’m feeling better today, although that may change this week when I start lowering the steroids!

That’s it for now,

Peace out

Zak

Still trying – Self care

At the weekend I was feeling really agitated, indecisive and I just didn’t know what to do with myself.

I think I was stressing about not doing enough…by that I’m not sure what. But I think I felt like I HAD to be doing something productive. But really all that pressure I was putting on myself was just stressing me out and making me feel worse then I already did.

So after much stressing and panicking that I wasn’t doing ‘enough’ (whatever enough means) I decided to go to the shop to get some food, to make sure I was eating, I got some fruit but mainly packet stuff that’s quick and easy to eat without much hassle. I then decided to find something to watch on Netflix and that relaxing with my animals for the rest of the day and making sure I ate was more then enough.

That simple change in my perspective changed everything and has actually made this week so much easier. The agitation and stress disappeared and I felt much more relaxed and to my surprise I was able to make decisions without feeling so stressed and felt a bit more motivated.

On the Sunday I took Scrappy to the beach, the weather was really nice so we spent most of the afternoon there, we walked, sat and had snacks, talked with other dog walkers. It was such a nice day and very much needed.

This week has been fairly busy, I’ve done two shifts at the cat cafe, I’ve meet up with two friends and I’ve had a physio appointment.

Today I have done the housework and laundry, I’ve taken the dogs out and then I have rested and listened to podcasts. I’m so exhausted from everything I’ve done this week, I decided it was best to just rest my body and my mind.

I’ve also spent some time sorting through my appointments for the next few months of which I seem to have more then I usually do lol! But I at least know where I’ve got to be and when.

I’ve not had the idiot box on today, only to play music on YouTube while I was doing the housework. It’s been quite nice just to listen to different podcasts, instead of starting at the TV.

That small change in how I feel about relaxing and doing nothing, has really helped me this week. I know I deserve to relax and I should be relaxing, I shouldn’t be pushing my body and I am worthy of self care.

Feeling worthy is so important and something I really struggle with. I often feeling like I am not worthy of anything! I’m working on it and it comes and goes but I’m still trying.

Self care is super important and because I’ve been depressed, I haven’t been looking after myself as well as I deserve. I’m starting again, which is fine, no matter how many times, I stop, start, fall down, I will always get back up and keep trying.

Peace out

Zak

Forever waiting – Massive catch up

Again it’s been just over a month since I last wrote anything about my exciting life lol, I’ve been struggling to write at the moment because my life is in a bit of a limbo and the benefits saga seems to be over shadowing everything else and the other stuff seems to be a lot of inconvenient bullshit, that occurs on a regular basis it seems at the moment. But like I said the benefits saga is the main concern and looks like it will be that way for another 3 months.

Whilst I am on the subject of benefits I may as well do a proper update of this ridiculous situation. So in my last post I said that the courts had gotten the appeal with all the information I sent and they were waiting to hear from the Department of Work and Pensions. It’s now 5 weeks later and I rang the courts up last week to see what was going on and they said it can take up to 12-17 weeks for a court date and I am on week 5, so I’ve possibly got to wait another 12 weeks or 3 months which makes it sound longer, just for a court date. September should be when I get a date but fuck knows when the date will be for, probably for 3 months after that, by September it will be 7 months since my money stopped but it all started back last September, when I got the form to fill out, December I had my face to face assessment, January they said no, February I did the mandatory reconsideration, last month I appealed that… and here I am yet again waiting. If I get a court date by September then it will be a year since this whole thing started and to be honest I’m surprised I’ve got through without self harming because it has been incredibly stressful, soul destroying and just utterly horrific. Having to do the appeals and write down all the things I cannot do or that I struggle to do, it has totally destroyed any confidence or self esteem I had about myself and has knocked me to the floor and I’ve been struggling to pick myself back up again. When I read the statistics about the people who have killed themselves because they’ve been deemed fit to work and are no longer entitled to disability benefits, I totally fucking understand why! I totally get it! I have felt so close to the edge and I’ve wanted to end it all several fucking times because I felt like I could just not do this any more. It does make you question the fact of well am I fit to work? Am I really this ill? Is it all just in my head? Even though the rational part of you knows you are ill and you are entitled to the benefits. It’s horrible questioning you’re entire life, whilst having to prove it to others who simply have no fucking clue. Right now this isn’t living it’s existing and everyone is entitled to a decent quality of life. I’m lucky that I have a few good friends who’ve helped me out with money, emotional support, love and just everything a great friendship is made of and I’m lucky to live in such a beautiful place, where I can sit by the water with my dogs just a stones throw from my house.

That nicely brings me onto the rest of my life and what I’ve been up too. I don’t feel like I’ve done a lot really and that’s mainly because everything I do something I have to then spend time recovering from it, which is frustrating to say the least because someone of my age shouldn’t have to rest and recover from activities that most people do without thinking. I’ve spent a lot of time with L and the boys either being here at mine or being at their place and as always its a good laugh but so exhausting, I honestly don’t know how she does it with all her problems too, big respect to her. L dyed my Mohawk blue 😀 and yeah it looks so awesome! I’ve also been regularly going to my groups and counselling, which at times has been hard because I have been so unmotivated and just so low but I’ve pushed myself through it all. Like I previously said I live a stones throw away from the sea and its such a beautiful place, when the weather is nice I could just stay out there forever. I’ve just been trying to maintain some sort of normality, which includes the odd treat for myself and the animals, its been the very rare occasion but I think we all to often forget the power of treating/pampering yourself has, whether it be ice cream, a facial, a holiday or a Lego set. Treating yourself isn’t something you should be ashamed of or guilty about, because lets face it no matter what walk of life you are from, life gets fucking hard and whoever you are, you should have enough self respect to say YES I deserve this. Yes I am on benefits but does it mean I am less worthy to treat myself then someone who works hard for their money? No! that’s what the media wants you to think with all there shit fucking shows about a small minority of people on benefits and they do not at all represent people like me, who have a well documented and real health condition that effects my daily life because they don’t want you to know about genuine people like myself, they have their own agenda and they just demonise everyone on benefits, which if you haven’t already guessed really grinds my fucking gears. Anyway that was off on a bit of a rant lol so back to what I was talking about, so yes I have continued to treat myself, obviously not as much as I did before as I’ve just not had the money but it has been an important part of keeping me going and keeping me sane. I’ve also taken a lot of time over the past month to just be by myself and not talking to anyone and that’s also been a vital part of getting through all this. Overall the last month has been good but the really low darkness is always there in the background, I’m just working really hard not to let it overpower me on a daily basis and I don’t think people appreciate just how hard it is, to battle with your own mind every second of every day, its exhausting. I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve been really low and struggling and I still feel low and I am still struggling and in all honestly without my lovely friends, my groups and counselling I probably wouldn’t be here right now. Besides I do not want to die as the person that isn’t my true self, I need to go through my journey to be the real me.

Moving on to my physical health, which as usual has been a bundle of fun…NOT! Where to start… I suppose I’ll start with my transition stuff as that is fairly straight forward because I am still waiting for my first appointment. But I am going to send them a letter with my new NHS number and ask if they know roughly when I should be hearing about my first appointment. To be honest right now I’m happy to be waiting for this for a few reasons, even though I’m desperate to get on my journey, I have other things in my life that need to be sorted before hand, ie money and meds, so its not really high on my list even though I want it so bad. Sometimes wants and needs differ and needs are more important. Last time I wrote about my knee and trying anti-inflammatory’s, I tried two and neither helped so two weeks ago today I had a steroid injection right into the joint and it has helped to a degree but it still keeps swelling up and hurting, it’s not as bad but still its not great. Also two weeks ago I started Gabapentin which is a anti-epileptic which is also used as pain relief. It seems to be working well along side my Tramadol but I am slowly lowering the Tramadol as my body is addicted to it and I want to see how well the Gabapentin works by itself. The other reason I want to come off the Tramadol is because I will need strong opiate based drugs after the surgeries I have throughout my transition. So I need to detox off it and hopefully when I need it in the future it will be more effective then it is right now. Oh my appetite is great since starting the Gabapentin, it has the same weight gaining effect as Quetiapine and I’ve put on 5lbs in two weeks. It does seem to be slowing down now and I’m not nearly as hungry as last week, I just couldn’t stop eating lol! I am being mindful of what and how much I am eating but it is hard. But to be honest I’m just glad I’m eating and its not a stressful thing. I’ve spoken to my GP about what’s happening with my referral to Southampton hospital and it’s basically down to my gender change…DO’H! So because I’ve changed my gender and title I effectively have become a whole new person, which is true but what happens is that all your medical history is deleted from the doctors system and your are put back on as a new patient, so what they are currently trying to do is get hold of the hard copy of my medical records in order to send to Southampton as they need to know everything before they see me. I certainly don’t remember everything that’s happened to me medically in the last 31 years because well its been loads lol. But yeah I’ve been assured that the practice manager is on it, I feel better now I know what’s happening but it is another thing that I am in limbo with. I swear I spend most of my time waiting for shit to get sorted out lol! Other then that not much has changed, still struggling with fatigue and not sleeping well but it is what it is, I wake up a few times a night sometimes and I just get up have a drink or a wee and sometimes I go straight back to sleep but sometimes I have to get up for a hour or so. I’m not stressing about this because my insomnia or painsomnia issues have been going on for so long now and I’ve tried everything to help me sleep through the night but its clearly not meant to be. I’m on long term Doxycycline at the moment so I’ve not caught any colds, although I have a bit of a chesty cough at the moment but that’s probably down to my sinus gunk dripping down to my chest, which ironically the Doxycycline is meant to help with…I feel its not working lol, my ENT app isn’t until next month so not much I can do or my GP can do right now.

Wow that’s a lot of stuff about me aha! I shall end on a update of my 4 four babies, who are all just in perfect health and are all amazing and are all helping me get through the darkest times and I am totally in love with them ❤

Ooh also here’s a few pics of us all

^^ yeah boi I am 😀 haha

^^ Me and Harvey on his 9th Birthday last week ❤

^^ Me and my boo boo ❤

^^ Harley doing a bit of yoga lol

^^Marley moo

^^ Mr Scrappy doodle

^^ My beautiful Foxy girl

^^ I love this place

Right that’s all from this boi, its taken me hours to write this, its very therapeutic though and I do feel calm and grounded.

Peace out Batman

 

 

Awesome weekend with my best friend

The last 5 days have been so good 🙂 I ache all over and I’m utterly exhausted but I am so happy.

Wed –  L, boo and I met up and we had lunch down where I scattered my dad and the pups had fun running about, playing and scrappy went for a swim and at one point Arnie did follow scrappy but wasn’t sure about it lol, was so funny. I ended up having boo over night as he fell asleep back at mine and L had to go get Harvey. Thought it would give her a bit of a break.

Thurs – Boo had me up at 7 am, I fed him and got myself ready 🙂 took pups out for a run and a wee and boo had a run about too. He loves playing with the dogs it’s so cute.

I had a hospital appointment for my fingers and I had to drop of a sputum sample as I was asked to do it last year lol for my chest doc but I’ve finally done it and I see him Mon. The hand therapist was pleased with my fingers although the little finger is still really bent so she gave me this fabric splint type thing to help straighten it out and if there’s any issues I can just ring up and go see her.

Headed to Bournemouth to meet L after her appointment and boo fell asleep on the bus, I sat in the gardens waiting for L. I was eating my jam doughnuts.

I had to head back home because I had stuff to do. I finished off filling out my form for the national statistics and the guy came to pick it up and said I’ll get a voucher to spend for doing it, so that’s pretty cool 🙂 I cleaned up the flat, had some dinner and went over to meet my counsellor from a few years ago just to catch up which was really nice 🙂

Friday was really nice I put the paddling pool up for Leo and spent most the day with him and my bro 🙂 and I didn’t get showered and dressed till gone 3 pm lol. I really needed that lazy day after a busy week and before a busy weekend.

I did gammon in coke for dinner in the slow cooker which was so nice, only did it for 4 hours on high because I forgot to put it on in the morning lol.

L and Harvey come over after the school run, we had dinner and then we went on the usual walk I take the pups. It was good fun Harvey walked across all the big rocks and Arnie jumped head on into a rock while following scrappy lol! Scrappy had a dip in the sea and had a lil swim 🙂 and foxy was just walking along with us. It was so nice and we were out for a few hours. And we all pretty much went straight to bed when we got in.

Saturday – We were all up at half 7 am so we had time to eat and get ready to go on our boat trip without rushing about. I sorted out my lunch and packed everyone’s bags with their snacks and drinks 🙂 made sure the pups had everything they needed too.

We headed out and made sure the pups peed and pooped before we got on the boat so we didn’t have any accidents lol.

Got to the boat just as they were letting peeps on 🙂 eeek. We sat at the top outside at the front and we set off. It was a bit grey and over cast but it was muggy and once we got out of the harbour the wind got up and it was a bit cold, Harvey and L really felt it and ended up sitting inside lol. I stayed outside as I didn’t really feel the cold, once we went up the river the wind dropped and the sun came out a bit. The pups were so good, scrappy kept barking at the buoys and watching the birds. Foxy was a bit chilly so I wrapped her up in my coat bless her.

We got off the boat and had an hour to have a little look around. It was market day so that was cool, I got some crab lines and Harvey got a sword. We sat down to have our lunch and let the pups run about…but scrappy thought it would be good fun to roll in and eat some poop lol! He’s so gross! Harvey saw people getting back on the boat and was freaking out in case it went without us lol!

On the way back we sat inside which was nice and warm and Harvey was running about. I convinced him that we saw a great white shark while he was upstairs and I got a picture from Google to show him as evidence and he believed me bless him 🙂 hehe love tricking him, it’s so easy! He kept going on about it the rest of the weekend. We had a look on the quay as it was Harry Paye day, so loads of people dressed up as pirates, stools and music all along 🙂 and they shot some old cannons and guns too. So lucky to live here absolutely love it.

Watched Jurassic park 2, just chilling out. All the dogs and me and L were shattered. Had a cheeky burger king for dinner 😉 and just had a relaxing evening chatting and watching tv.

And we are caught up to today! It’s Fathers day today so for most of this morning I avoided looking at FB as everyone was posting about it… I’m feeling ok and that but I just miss my dad, its the 3rd fathers day without him.

We all just had a chilled out morning, L and I needed the sleep. Went out in the afternoon down to the quay to catch crabs, L managed to catch 1 lol I caught loads and Harvey caught a few too. We got 19 altogether it was good fun I love crab fishing and we were sat near where I scattered my dad and I have fond memories of sat down there crab fishing with him and my brother, so it seemed fitting.

Got back about just before 3 pm I think and L and Harvey got their bits together to head home and get Boo. It was such a good weekend, it’s a shame they don’t live closer. I’d love to be able to just pop over with the dogs of an evening and just walk back without having to worry about taking a 45 mins bus trip there and back.

I was so shattered so I got into my pjs, snuggled up in bed with the pups and had a two hour nap 🙂 I SOOOO needed it and I’m still utterly exhausted now.

Just been watching tv this evening, had myself some dinner and catching up on here.

Mon, Tues and Weds is full of appointments…Tomorrow I have my chest doc at 3 pm, Tues morning I have the dentist REALLY early in the morning but I really need to see him and Wednesday I have my appointment at the hospital to book getting knocked out to have some teeth out…joys. Thurs I have group, Fri I am meeting up with my bro and step dad, Saturday I’m going to my lil cousins bbq birthday party 🙂 so next week is looking really busy already.

Feeling so good and totally loving life ❤ I never thought that it could be this good.

I’m glad I can chill for most of tomorrow before my appointment, I think I need it. Everything hurts and aches but it was totally worth it 🙂

Some pictures from the last few days

Peace out

Batman

Groggy and frustrated

I am feeling so groggy right now amongst other feelings too… *sigh* Just frustrated.

Yesterday was pretty busy. It was good for the most part but also a little disappointing. But it is what it is, there wasn’t anything I could do about it.

I slept ok-ish Thurs night, but woke up really early again. I did have a little rest, it wasn’t really a proper sleep. I then spent most of the morning cleaning the entire flat, only up to Dyllan standard though lol. It wasn’t spotless but at least it was clean and tidy, I just don’t dust.

Had a refreshing shower, got myself dressed and took the pups across the road for a run. We were out for 20 mins, it was so nice out. My friend text me to say she was on her way over, so I took the pups home and got them settled in the hallway, as H and I were going to the new pub for lunch that’s right across the road from me. I met H outside mine.

We had a really nice lunch, the food was lovely. Definitely going there again. I had beer battered cod and nice chunky chips with a pint of Pepsi 🙂 lush. After lunch we had a look around a few shops in town and after we chilled out at mine watching tv. I needed a rest.

I had to head out to meet J from the bus, so H and I got ourselves ready to go, I took the pups with me and we both headed out. We said our goodbyes.

J’s bus was like 20 mins late…which sucked. But while I was waiting bloody scrappy got excited and pulled out my lip ring. But he pulled the whole thing out…I managed to find the ring, but not the ball. Damn dog. When J got here I explained what happened and got him to wait outside the shopping centre with with dogs while I ran in to get a new ball, but all they had was a different colour to the other one, so had to replace both. Went to pay and to my horror I had forgotten my wallet! I wasn’t expecting to go into a shop so I didn’t take it. Just took my keys and phone. Luckily though they know me in there and I said I’ll bring in the money the next day and they were totally cool with that, but I was still embarrassed. What a dick!

J and I let the dogs off for a run across the road from mine, before we went home. Enjoyed the last bit of sunshine 🙂 Dropped the pups home and went to the shop so J could get dinner, I had already eaten a big meal at lunch so I wouldn’t eat dinner.

We came back to mine and just chilled. Caught up on everything too, that was so cool. Was nice to see him again and hang out. I had invited loads of friends over to celebrate my birthday. But pretty much everyone pulled out. Most with a valid reason. Some didn’t even bother to contact me. So ended up just being me and J. That caused real mixed feelings, it was really cool to hang out with J again, we just talked and watched crime stuff, talked about trans stuff too. But kinda sucked too that no one else came, as I was so looking forward to it…but it is what it is I suppose hurt but at least I wasn’t totally alone.

Think I was in bed by 1:30 and maybe asleep by after 2 am.

I slept so well and for just over 8 and a half hours. Felt like way more then that. Felt so crap when I got up 😦 so groggy, really fucking tired and fucking hurt so fucking much, hate this pain. Last few weeks I’ve felt fucking awful the day after my injection. So over all this but there’s nothing I can do 😥 which makes it fucking worse.

Just relaxed with J watching Jeremy Kyle, he loves it lol. I got him into it. Eventually got myself showered and dressed and J and I took the pups across the road for a run.

J was hungry and I didn’t have anything in. We went into town and he got lunch, I just got a drink as I wasn’t hungry. Went into the shop to pay the money I owed them. By the time we did this it was time for J to get his bus. Sucks he can’t stay all weekend, but he’s gotta work. Was a bit sad to see him go.

I got home and ended up just sitting for a while, not even doing anything. Just in my own little world totally checked out. Managed to snap out of it and put a film on, I just chilled playing on my tab and eating sweets. After I watched The Bride of Chucky I put on The seed of Chucky. Ended up falling asleep for the entire film lol! I think I watched like the first 10 mins. Totally needed it though, felt so awful.

Only woke up because I got hot, I probably could have slept for longer. It was still nice and sunny out and the pups were all hyper lol so we went across the road for a run and to enjoy the last of the sunshine. Met some other peeps and pups over there, that made scrappy happy playing chase 🙂 fox just barked at them all lol. I dropped the pups back and quickly went to the shop to get dinner.

Again I sat on the sofa and just totally checked out for a bit. Mind its a much nicer place in my own little dream world.

Eventually had dinner and watched The Curse of Chucky, ah I so hope they do a 7th film, I love Chucky.

Just been doing my usual evening thing and watching Adventure time. Can’t be dealing with anything else.

Still feeling really fucking groggy and horrible 😦 feeling a bit let down, a bit low and frustrated. I hope I don’t feel like this tomorrow. Ok maybe I feel a bit lower then just low.

My life revolves around being ill, hospital appointments, side effects of medications and making sure I have enough medication. I am going to run out of Tramadol AGAIN by Mon afternoon, so I am totally fucking freaking out and I NEED it because I hate feeling the withdrawal the pain 😦 So going to have to sort it out Mon morning. Meh this stuff is so stressful, I feel so alone in all this.

Peace out

Batman

Been a bit stressful, but trying to get back on track…

I was in a foul mood on Friday as some stupid bitch on fb hacked me off. Long story cut short, I had posted a funny youtube video on my profile, it was a song about woman and their “camel toes” myself and my friends found it hilarious. But someone on my friends list had reported it and FB removed it, which really fucking hacked me off as I’ve reported people and pages for putting up pictures of dead babies etc and they didn’t get removed yet a comical harmless youtube video did, so I was a bit pissed off and vented on my profile, then someone on my friends list pretty much verbally attacked me saying all kinds of dumb shit. She wound me up and wondered why I reacted….stupid cow. So she un-friended me so I inboxed her I was like wtf…. etc. Then she got REALLY nasty saying I fail at everything and she said I’m a disgrace to lesbians and all sorts! then she blocked me. So yea she put me in a horrible self loathing mood 😦 

Saturday was good, I woke up, cleaned the flat, had a shower and got dressed then took my foxy girl for a wee. Dropped foxy back home, then went into town and paid my bills and got myself a few treats including the new Joker t-shirt I found 🙂 also picked up a dino onsie for Harvey and Albert, they have matching ones its sooo cute! I got them as they go really fast! I’ve got a dino onsie too lol. After being in town I went home and sorted out my stuff and took foxy for another wee.

Got ready to go out and headed over to see L and the boys. The bus got to Bournemouth square and people got on, but the bus driver tried to start the bus, but it just wouldn’t go lol, so we all had to get off and I got on another bus to L’s. I met her and the boys outside KFC as I was bloody starving lol. 1st thing L did was hand me Albert as she was carrying him, he’s so heavy he was hurting her back. He is so heavy, but she lives on the 1st floor so its tricking bringing the buggy up and down the stairs each time, but he’s so heavy to carry for any amount of time. So yea I got food and we went back to hers. I asked Harvey if he had been good and if mummy had been good as I had something for them, he was so excited lol. He LOVED his dino onsie and since he got in it yesterday he’s not taken it off lol. We chilled out just chatting and having snuggles with chubba bubba and watched tv. Harvey has his dinner, then it was soon bed time for the lil dino. We watched the xfactor and had a giggle at the ones that can’t sing lol! Then we watched a film, but the dvd player didn’t like it and it kept stopping. After the film, L nipped out to get some food as she was hungry. Albert was being a pickle and she couldn’t get him to settle, so I picked him up and walked about with him and he settled on me pretty quickly and I was able to put him in his cot without him waking! 😀 yay go me lol! He’s only 4 weeks, but he pretty much fills his Moses basket so he’s already in his cot. I waited in the hallway so I could tell L to be quiet when she came in. We watched another film, while fatty slept. He stirred as the film ended, so she got him up changed his lil bum and fed him. I got a taxi home as we’d been watching scary movies and I felt a bit sketchy lol and didn’t fancy catching a bus back at 1:30 am! I’ve done it before, but felt a bit scared lol. I got home and felt quite tired, so took foxy for a wee and went to bed. Watched a bit of Doctor Who 1st and played some games on my tablet and finally fell asleep.

Woke up at about 11:30 am and felt all achy and just weird, didn’t feel so good at all. So I had something to eat and napped on the sofa for an hour. Finally got up, had a shower and got dressed and took foxy girl for a wee. While we were out, she started to head towards town and I asked her if she wanted to go see S, she got all excited and carried on dragging in that direction lol. So we went over and said hello 🙂 

When we came back I just sort of sat thinking…. my head was really sore, so I took a sumatriptan. Then I was thinking about how much weight I’ve put on and I’m really not happy about it, so I decided to go to the shop and get some proper food to make some proper meals with. I also got some porridge for breakfast, as that helps keep me filled up. I’m also going to drink water before I just snack, as they say if you drink some water when you are hungry and if after 10mins you are still hungry then eat but if not then you were just thirsty. I hope eating better helps lose a bit of weight, I’m also going to try and make more of a commitment to take foxy for a walk a few times a week if I feel well enough too. 

This afternoon I watched 2 films that were on t.v, The Hunchback of Notre Dame and The spiderwick chronicles. Two films which I really like…. was a nice Sunday afternoon, snuggled up on the sofa with my fur babies. I then made some dinner, I had mash potato, peas and smoked haddock. It was really yummy, but where I’ve only been picking at my food I couldn’t eat it all, so gave my left overs to the animals, who were very grateful lol.

Just been chilling out this evening, feeling loads better after taking my pain killers. Tomorrow I am going to clean up the flat and if I feel ok, I’m going to take foxy for a proper walk. Feeling a bit more positive, but moods are so changeable at the moment, so just taking it as it comes. 

I cannot believe how freaking fast this month has gone, it felt ages away till my hospital appointments…. But I looked at my calender this evening and realised that my 1st hospital app is this Tuesday and the next is this Thursday…OMG! lol. But it’s good, hopefully I will get some answers.

Here’s some pics of this week 🙂

 Lil dino boys 🙂

 4 weeks old and pushing up and holding his own head lol!

 Lazy Sunday snuggles 🙂

Peace out

Tank girl x