trauma – Parts work

I posted last week I think about childhood trauma, but I missed a big chunk out. I didn’t come to mind at the time, but as I’ve mentioned before my memory has huge chunks missing and things that aren’t in order and that’s got much worse over the years and I think that’s mainly cuz I’ve been getting closer to the source of the trauma, maybe its ready to start healing. Finally.

So when I was about 7 years old I started getting ill (I’m not sure if that age is accurate, but I know I was in first school) I think it started with asthma like symptoms and in fact I ended up having a asthma attack as all my x-rays would come back clear and I have the same issue now, I can have a chest infection and doc’s can never really hear anything until I cough. So In was treated for asthma, I then started having nosebleeds that would last for what felt like hours at a time and because I was young and the shape of my nose wasn’t right they would never cauterise my nose to stop the bleed. It then progressed to joint pain and fatigue but as was young most doctors didn’t really know what was wrong with me.

By the time it came to the year 2000, which was the year after my parents divorce (I think) I was diagnosed with an auto immune disorder, for which I was given heavy medications and their side effects were just as brutal as my illness itself. I was given no support for my mental health, I was given no extra support at school even though I had to take a lot of time off. I was given this huge life changing condition and I just had to manage it myself and that wasn’t easy.

At school I was always different, always the outsider and dealing with a auto immune disorder, did me no favours. I was already struggling with my mental health and this only impacted on it. I thought my life was over, what I wanted to do with my life was taken away from me, well I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life, but now everything seemed pointless. I’d already given up on my life at that point and to be honest I feel the same way, just a ghost going through the motions until I die. (PSA No I am not suicidal, just tired of existing, wanting this pain to end, not to be dead)

Childhood/teenage years are pivotal for the person you grown into as an adult and some who suffer trauma in those years can because stuck there, or parts of your inner system can become stuck in a certain mode as a way to protect that child.

I have been reading about ‘parts work’ or internal family systems model and holy shit did my protective child go crazy when I read about the protective child, why they are formed and how they can be changed to be more in balance. I felt physically weird reading that part, I definitely disassociated, felt itchy and uncomfortable and had to stop reading, so I could get up and move around. I ended up having to do something else as my protective child wasn’t ready to be reading that stuff, especially as its only been in the last week that I’ve verbalised to another human that yo this trauma is the source of this pain that isn’t shifting no matter what I do, I need to heal this pain first.

But I know that this protective child is protecting not just me but other deeply hidden pains and I know that this is going to take a while to work through and its not going to be easy or comfortable but I want to heal properly now, I think I’m finally ready to be vulnerable enough to dig through this pain and trauma that’s trapped within. I want to feel more balanced, I want to feel happy, I want to let this stuff go. I want to be able to fully accept myself and I want to self to take its place, I want to stop coming from a place of hurt and self preservation because that’s not helping me.

I want to stop hurting, because its getting to hard to keep carrying on my own. The load is too heavy now, I only end up bleeding on everyone, that’s why I can’t break into any friend circles, I don’t want to be alone anymore.

But for now at least I know that 95% of the time protective child fronts to protect me from the world because that’s what he’s had to do for so long. I wish I could hold that little kid and tell him its going to ok, those nights I would cry in bed at night, all alone. I’d never let myself be emotional or cry in front of anyone, I’d hold it in until I was alone. I do the same now, I could do with a hug now, someone to tell me I’m going to be ok.

I may not be where I want to be, or where I think I should be, but I’m finally starting to understand myself a little better. It’s never too late right?!

Peace out


Catching up

I’ve not really had a chance to catch up since Friday. I’ve been pretty busy.

Friday I went to see Russell Howard with S and omg he was great, so funny. I had a really good night with her 🙂 We got back about 11:30 pm and after just chilling out for a bit, I took foxy for a wee, dropped her home and I went to the shop to get a few bits.

Saturday was LONG! I got up and ready early as I was on a course from 10-4 pm doing forum theater. It was really good fun and I learned a lot, but it was really emotionally draining and it really took its toll on me emotionally. It made me feel a bit down and agitated, it made me think about a lot of things. About how my life is now etc… a big one is I miss physical contact :/ I was sat next to my project manager S.G and I put my head on her shoulder because I was starting to get tired and she asked if I was ok and called me a snuggle monster..which was cute, but I could of totally just stayed there and maybe even fallen asleep, it wasn’t a sexual thing at all. But in that very short moment I felt loved… I know that’s weird. But yeah… anyway. Forum theater was fun. 

I got dropped home and man I felt exhausted! So I just rested. But couldn’t switch off enough to nap. I just chilled out, had a bit of dinner. G who I work with rang me at 9pm and asked if I wanted to go over with foxy 🙂 which was really nice and I needed it. So yeah foxy and I went over and spent a few hours there chatting and watching a film. Got home about 1:30 am.

I spent most of today sleeping 🙂 but I think I needed it! I didn’t get up and dressed till nearly 3 pm… I rang G to see if he wanted to go out with the dogs seeing at the weather was nice. We met up just gone 3 pm and we were out for about an hour and a half which was cool! It was fresh out lol! I think we both needed a bit of fresh air. 

Just been relaxing this evening. Had a bit of dinner etc. Watched some Chucky films…obsessed much lol.

Feeling a bit ill, not sure if that’s because I am over tired and. I ache all over and feel so tired. Bed soon for me and foxy 🙂

Peace out

Tank girl