A day in the life of a trans guy

Well I haven’t been writing for a long while, although the notes on my phone are crazy long lol. I just haven’t had the motivation or concentration to sit down and write, so I have lots to catch up on. That’s if I can make sense of some of the things I’ve noted down.

Yesterday marked 10 months since having had top surgery, it has gone crazy fast. I can barely keep up with myself. My scars are looking great and I’m just so happy with the results, areas of my chest still feel a bit numb but its slowly regaining sensation. I still have the occasional nipple twinge where I’m assuming the nerve endings are still growing, that is a super weird feeling.

I still feel quite self conscious when I’m out and about, I still feel like I need a hoody so I can hide my chest. I still feel like people are staring at me, that I don’t ‘pass’ well enough etc and I know that’s just my insecurities and gender dysphoria. I also think its down to the ridiculously high standard that is set for trans men to look a certain way and I certainly do not meet the criteria. The expectation is that all trans men are super buff, work out, have muscles and are super handsome. I am non of those things, I’m short with a chubby body and I don’t work out or have muscles. I am currently in the process of loosing a bit of weight to help with my self esteem, body image and my general physical wellbeing, but I will never be a gym bunny.

I will never look like a lot of trans activists out there, who all work hard and look amazing. But there’s not a lot of representation out there for different body types within the trans masc community and I am no where near brave enough to show my chubby body in all its chubby glory on social media, as I am not strong enough to handle any negative criticism, even though I know it may help others feel seen, right now its not something I can do. But hey maybe one day.

I also think the expectation that once you have surgery that the dysphoria will disappear, I think I was under the illusion that it wouldn’t be an issue anymore. I’ve spent so long not feeling comfortable in my skin, that its going to take a whole lot of self love to even being to love this body of mine. I am so grateful for my body, it keeps me alive but I still don’t love my body enough and I don’t even really know what that looks like, as I’ve spent so long neglecting my mind and body that true self love and acceptance is not something I’ve experienced before and not sure how it looks or how it feels. I feel like I’m only just starting to scratch the surface of this self love stuff, I’ve got so much I need to heal first but I’m still trying.

The 12 weekly testosterone shots are going well, I’m 2 years and 10 months on T now which again has gone crazy fast. Only feels like yesterday that I would have done anything to be on testosterone and now here I am nearly 3 years down the line. There where times where I thought I can’t wait, its taking too long, once I knew who I was finally, waiting for everything was absolute agony it was almost like a physical pain, it was unbearable. I am so glad I held on, things get better eventually.

I much prefer the 12 weekly shot to the 3 weekly as my hormones are more settled and I feel less chaotic, then on the 3 weekly shots. My next one is due on a couple of weeks and I’ve got to get my levels checked to see how my body is reacting to the longer lasting testosterone. My sex drive has only just settled down since my last injection lol, it sucks being single and stuck in lockdown by myself. The first few weeks after my shot I’m super hungry and just want to eat everything and I’m horny as hell too, which is so weird. Before testosterone I had very little sex drive, mainly due to being on the medications I’m on, but now its a different story lol! But unlike the crazy appetite which settles down, the high sex drive seems to last a good 9-10 weeks! But self pleasure is a good pain relief, which I can say is true as I’ve barely had to take any of my usual pain meds recently so its not just an old wives tale.

I recently joined a dating website, which feels so embarrassing to even say… that I just want the ground to swallow me up right now lol! Its called OkCupid, which is a LGBT friendly dating site and that was the main reason for joining that specific one. I decided to join as I’ve on dated one person in the last 7 years and that relationship was exactly long, it lasted all of 6 months and it was my first relationship out as a trans guy.

There’s a few downsides to the website, one being that I am shit and describing myself and bigging myself up or even making myself sound in the slightest bit interesting…so I’ve not had any likes yet lol and I’m too scared to message anyone first as I feel awkward as fuck and I’m so shit and inserting myself into other people’s orbit, as I feel like I’m being instantly annoying.. Shit if I could be invisible but still be seen that would be the best lol. So yeah I don’t think my profile is really anything special, it doesn’t really stand out from anyone else’s.

The second downside is that I keep being matched with lesbians… like WTF! Lesbians want to be with lesbians, they do not want to be with trans men, I mean that would make them bi/straight. So that’s pretty annoying, trying to sift through all these hot lesbians and I feel bad for swiping no, although I don’t think it tells you who rejects you which is good.

So yeah I’m trying to get myself out there but its so fucking hard when all I want to do is disappear because I don’t feel worthy enough to be taking up space on this earth. I’m desperate to be seen and heard but I also want to disappear which is such a confusing paradox. But a lot of it is I have no self worth, self love etc and like I said I wouldn’t even know what that feels like, looks like. I’m so used to feeling like this for most of my life, its hard to imagine ever feeling any different. Maybe one day. I’ve got a lot of trauma to work through.

I know I am a bit late but HAPPY PRIDE MONTH! Always live your truth, no matter how hard your light will eventually shine and you can be a beacon of hope for others out there.

Peace out

Zak

*Insert*Title*Here*

I don’t often write in between my weekly transition blogs, but I feel like I needed to write today, I got things I just need to get out and maybe it will help me make sense of everything.

It’s probably gonna come out a bit all over the place and scattered, but that’s how my brain is feeling at the moment. It probably won’t be strictly transition related but a bit of everything that happening in my life at the moment, so transition, physical health, mental health, family etc…

I can’t even remember the last time I just wrote a regular blog entry, must have been a while ago now.

I literally don’t know where to even start… Ok I’ll start with the good stuff going on, so I can get into the flow of things and unpick my brain as I go along.

My name change is all official now, which is really awesome and feels so good. I am now legally Mr Zak Dyllan Mills! Woohoo! I’ve already changed it at the bank and the doctors and I’ve written some letters too, they just need posting. It just feels really right and just the next part of my transition, I feel much more like me now. Which probably sounds weird as its just a name but for me a name is quite an important part of my identity and how the world views me and how I view myself. So yeah feeling pretty awesome about that.

Last Sunday my new little nephew Alex came into the world, weighing in at 9lbs 3! the lil fatty lol but he’s so damn cute. I already had cuddles on Tuesday with him, he was just so content just laying on my lap fast asleep, he’s so chill. Proud uncle to 3 nephews, which is insane! the eldest will be 9 this year, its just flown by so fast. I absolutely adore all of them.

Physical health hasn’t really been too great this year, I’ve had infection after infection. Over the new years I kept getting nose bleeds, I then had a sinus infection, then last month I had a ear infection and at the moment I’ve had a chest infection for about 3 weeks and I’ve had lots of really bad nose bleeds as well. So I’m not sure what’s really going on, but I went to Southampton hospital this week and he took some blood to see what was happening. As he didn’t want to up the cellcept and make me more immuo-suppressed just in case its just been back luck that I’ve been getting ill and not due to my Churg Strauss Syndrome playing up, but he can’t tell until he gets the results. I’m hoping I’ll hear about the results soon and I’mm also kind of hoping its just been a bad run of luck getting ill and nothing more serious then that. But when nose bleeds are involved I know its more likely to be my condition as nose bleeds were one of my first ever symptoms. I’ll just have to see what happens with all this… I am hoping its nothing serious, I’d rather not up any medication if I don’t have too.

My mental health has been a bit of a mixture recently, its been quite difficult to deal with and I know its made me a bit harder to be around as well. Its not really been the bipolar that I’ve been struggling to control, although fighting with the depression and bad thoughts some days seems like the easy part of it all. I’ve been really struggling with the gender dysphoria, it hits so hard and its overwhelming and intense beyond words. The slightest thing can kick it off and I feel like I have zero control over it, which in itself is kinda frustrating and a bit scary.

Its my chest that is causing all the distress, anxiety and stress. I want top surgery so bad. I’ve never liked my chest, its always made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. When the dysphoria hits, I feel so detached, I feel like a ghost, I just want to be as far away from myself and my body as I can get, so I just disassociate but then I find it hard to get back in my body again. It really effects my mood, it makes me feel so depressed and really agitated because I’m not comfortable in my skin, because it doesn’t feel like it belongs to me, its never really belonged to me. I know I have to do some work around acceptance of self etc, as I know surgery will not fix all the emotional stuff but it will ease it. But right now that seems like a big thing to work on by myself.

I’m already starting to stress about summer and the warmer weather, as I get hot easily so it wont be as easy to cover up while remaining comfortable. I’m already aware that its gonna cause me a huge deal of stress and anxiety and it may make me less likely to go out far, I’m already anticipating how I’m going to feel, be etc… So I don’t know how I’m going to handle that and get through it.

Not being able to bind my chest makes it all the worse, I think maybe if I could bind that would take a bit of anxiety and stress out of it, I’ve been still trying on the high impact sports bras as they were the most comfortable out of everything I tried but its still not comfortable enough, especially with my chest problems I experience anyway. Its just so fucking frustrating! and doesn’t seem to be getting any easier to deal with, but the longer I’m on T the worse its getting to deal with and most days I feel pretty agitated and anxious. Its not so bad if I’m just at home and not really going anywhere, but as soon as I’ve got to go out for any period of time, especially on my own then I feel so self conscious, agitated and anxious.

I feel like I’m stuck in a limbo, like life can’t move forward right now and I know I’ve stopped moving forward, I wouldn’t know where to go now anyway. I just feel stuck, waiting for life to start again but I can’t find the button. I know I shouldn’t be waiting for top surgery but that’s what it feels like, I feel like after that then my life can start going again, where too I don’t know. I know my life can be better then it is right now, but I don’t know where I’m going, what I want, what direction, what I should or shouldn’t be doing… I’m in a rut and I hate it. Desperately trying to find things that make me really happy and not much is making me as happy as before. I mean I’m not totally unhappy, but I know things can and should be better, I just lost the drive to find it, I feel lost.

Ok… so maybe I needed to write this a more then I really realised but feels good to get it all out, I can breathe now. Been feeling mostly ok today, as I’ve stayed close to home, I’ve only been out to take the dogs for a run. Have felt so so tired today, I’ve just been chilling and looking after myself. I also finished writing out my ESA forms, I just need to get my paperwork together and then Monday I can post it all off recorded delivery, so they can’t say they didn’t get it. But I’ll sort that out on Monday I think, gonna spend the rest of the weekend just relaxing and looking after myself.

That’s it for now, am getting hungry…bloody steroids lol! Gonna go cook myself some food, although I’d really love a take away but money is low.. so cooking it is lol!

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 3 on T

Today is week 3 of being on T and I’m due my next injection next Tuesday.

I am feeling pretty good right now, I feel a peacefulness inside that I haven’t felt before and it feels good. I feel more confident in myself too, like I feel just more myself then ever before and it feels good.

The only new physical changes I have noticed this week is that my chest feels and looks a bit flatter which is cool as I am unable to bind my chest. My chest looks a bit less noticeable, that makes the gender dysphoria a bit easier to deal with. I’ve got tons of spots coming up and I have a huge volcano of a spot on the back of my neck, its a bit sore and I’m trying hard not to pick them all.

Also been super hungry this week, like I just want to eat all the time. However today I haven’t felt as hungry, it does come and go. I have put on a pound or too, that’s partly my fault for eating all the naughty things I’ve been craving and not sticking to the slimming world plan. I need to get re-motivated and get back on eating properly

Anyway only a short one this week because I don’t feel like I have much to say as not much has been going on this week. Plus I really want to have a shower tonight, as I feel super greasy and achy.

 

Last note, always be your true self, be strong, be brave, you totally got this

Week 3 on T

Peace out

Batman

Christmas chaos

Well it’s 2 weeks until Christmas eve and I am no where near organised for anything lol, like I just feel like I am just wandering around in a haze with no real direction at all… I need to get myself sorted but right now I feel too tired and ill to do anything.

Last year I was super organised, cards were sorted, shopping was done, tree was up. I was ready. I haven’t even got a tree at the moment, I don’t know who I still need to get presents for, I haven’t done any food shopping, like literally I have nothing. I have done NO cards because well I can’t be fucking bothered.

I am still finding my feet after this manic episode and I just have so much going on. I have so many appointments, group meals an stuff before Christmas and just not enough time to do it all. Plus I am currently suffering from a sinus infection so I feel so ill.

Going to try and get myself a bit more organised at the weekend, I need to look at the presents that I already have got and what I need to get. I need to get myself a new tree if I have the money. Going to write myself a shopping list, will get that delivered though as no way am I carrying it all. I also need to make sure the animals have everything they need as well. A lot of work goes into celebrating a few days. But until the new year everything is all over the place so I like to have everything I need to get by.

I’ve had a long difficult week with one thing or another, which hasn’t helped with the disorganisation and time has just slipped away as well, it’s gone incredibly fast. I do need to get my butt into gear and sort it out. I want to make sure I have another good Christmas and that takes a lot of work.

Oh I have the name of a specialist in Southampton hospital and I have left a message with my GP to ask him to refer me to him. So I am hoping this will be straight forward but it might not be but I can always hope that something in my life is straight forward lol.

I have written a letter to my family to cut ties with them, apart from my brother as our relationship is different because we are brothers. I am going to post it to my grandparents house for them to pass around. I can no longer carry around the anger and the emotional baggage they bring into my life. It needs to be done and this year I have built up my friendship circle and they are now my family. Family isn’t always blood. I feel better for having written it, I can’t wait for this part of my life to be over with, so I can let go of the anger and move on. I am fed up with all the fakeness the holidays bring, I can’t fake my way through another Christmas. It’s a big scary step but I know that this ultimately is for the best.

Still not sleeping amazing, still waking up at least once. But I’m not waking up for that long and I am dealing with it. It is slowly getting better and I am definitely on the right track πŸ™‚

I have altered my routine a little bit, I go on the laptop earlier in the evening so I have more time to watch a film or play on my ps3 and I am not spending as much time online as I did and I am finding I mentally feel less drained..not the right words but can’t find the words to explain it. Or I go on my laptop in the day, so I can chill in the evening.

My appetite is better but that’s because I’m still on 50mgs of Quetiapine. Even though I am hungry I struggle to eat, sometimes I try not to gag when I’m eating sometimes. But I carry on because I’m hungry and I need to eat. I just try and ignore it and enjoy eating, it’s hard but I need to gain a better relationship with food. I’m not forcing myself to eat though as I know that will make it worse, I just take my time to eat.

Transition stuff is ok I guess, still get misgenered like all the time which is really getting me down now but not much I can do about it :/ it’s just really frustrating.

Think that’s all that’s happening in my lil crazy life

Peace out

Batman

Mental health courses

Only going to write a quick one tonight, as it’s late and I need to get some sleep.

I slept well last night, I was up at 8:30 am but I did fall back to sleep on the sofa until 11 am, which I needed as I was still a bit tired.

When I finally got my butt up off the sofa, I did my housework, laundry and took the pups out for a walk. Chilled out for a bit and had some lunch. Love it when the place looks organized, makes me feel better.

This afternoon I met with a woman from the Recovery Education Centre and we talked about some courses that are available. I was initially only going to do one course at a time…..But I couldn’t pick between the two I was really interested in and they only over lap for 2 weeks, so I would have 2 courses in those two weeks. That’s manageable I reckon, even if it means dropping going to one of my groups for those two weeks. So really looking forward to starting them in two weeks, one is called Recovery Narrative and that’s about learning how to share your story of recovery, the other course it called Mindful Living πŸ™‚ Can’t wait to start.

After I sorted that out I chilled out at home with the pups for a bit and I decided to take them up to Flirt cafe for the trans* group social tonight as my arm is getting a bit stronger so I am able to control them a bit better now. Even though I left at the same time I usually do there was like no traffic, so we got to flirt half an hour early lol! so weird, I was starving as I had realised that I’d not eaten since 8:30 am… did wonder why I felt a bit funny lol! So I had dinner there, which was really nice and killed some time waiting for others to arrive.

Group social itself was really good, was nice to catch up with everyone πŸ™‚ I won’t be there next week because I will need to rest as I’ll be travelling to London the next day.

I’ve spoken to my counsellor today and he’s read my post about my past trauma’s so we are going to look at that at tomorrow’s session, which will be rough but it needs looking at.

Feeling ok tonight, just tired as I’ve done quite a lot.

Well I’m going to get to bed and do a bit of colouring before sleep πŸ™‚ I haven’t done any all day and I’m getting itchy fingers and withdrawal from it lol.

Β Foxy’s cute new pjs πŸ™‚

Β My gorgeous foxy girl in her new coat πŸ™‚ hehe Thug life! She’s one spoilt pup! She’s got 8 coats that she wears and 2 fleece coats that she wears to get her dry after a bath or when she’s been in the rain.

Peace out

Batman

Doing ok

And back to the real world….URGH! I feel stressed again tonight but I suppose that is partly to do with my counselling session I had but not in a bad way, it’s just that is stirs stuff up and it takes time to process.

After waking up at 7 am and having breakfast I went back to bed until 10 am lol, I just needed that extra lil snooze before facing the rest of the day.

I did intend to clean the flat this morning because it’s a fucking state! But fuck it it can wait. So I’ll be doing that tomorrow.

Did my usual morning stuff getting myself and the animals sorted. Took the pups out for their morning run and sat with the sun shining on my face and legs while I watched the pups play πŸ™‚ it was so nice just to be in that moment with them.

I had my 1:1 gender identity counselling this afternoon 1-2. It was good again we talked about so much. My life feels like one big knot that needs unpicking, sometimes it feels and impossible task but I’m up for the fight..I think.

Met L and the boys after at a place called Sprinkles, I’ve never been before, its an ice cream parlour. It was really nice but I had sensory overload with noise, sight and smell.

Spent some time in town, I had my haircut and now I am a fly boy! πŸ™‚

As soon as I got home I said a quick hello to my babies and I jumped in the shower, I HATE being hairy but love having my haircut.

Had some dinner and finished off my picture in my Animorphia colouring book πŸ™‚ So pleased with it.

Just been chilling this evening. Feeling hungry again…hmm CAKE! lol no need to rush to bed tonight because I’m not tired yet and I have nothing to get up for tomorrow. Might just chill for a bit longer before the sleep thing

Overall feeling ok today, I suppose..

Β My finished picture

Β πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman

Quiet, calm, mindful place….ah this is my bliss

To start with I am sat with just my laptop on, only this tab and another tab for youtube up. Phone and TV is OFF!

Feeling really irritable this evening….I’m not sure why. Usually I multi-task while I’m writing and I’ll be on FB, chatting with peeps through snapchat and whatsapp…have the tv on…GAH NO! I just can’t be doing with that tonight.

Just listening and watching some of Sia’s video’s. I love her music so much. Breathe me is my all time favourite for lyrics. Chandelier is my favourite video, really wish I could express myself through dance like that, so beautiful. #siabreatheme

I felt ok when I woke up this morning, although I did wake up at 8 am because of the stupid noise from the work they are doing near me! All day that stupid noise went on. I tried to get back to sleep for a bit…But ended up just resting instead.

Eventually got off my butt, got showered and dressed. Just managed to get it together before I had to leave to take scrappy to the groomers.

Scrappy had a good time at the groomers, although she said he was scared of the hairdryer lol. But he smells much better and looks a bit less scruffy now, bless him. While I was waiting for him I went to the pet shop that’s near and got him some treats that contain charcoal which are all natural treats and will be good to give him when he’s got a poorly tummy.

We got home about 2:30 pm. Watched TV for a bit, then decided I was going to make the special dog cupcakes I bought for fox, but had to nip to Asda to get vegetable oil as I only had olive oil…probably would have been the same…but didn’t want to risk it. But anyway I made them and they turned out great, they actually smelt nice as well emoticon smile

Relaxed for a bit, I think this is when I was starting to feel irritable. So I got up, put the washing away, sorted out my veg for my dinner, washed up etc, generally just pottered about. Was feeling restless.

Dinner was lovely, although I struggled to eat tonight. But I was hungry…gah I hope my appetite isn’t changing again. But I will persist with eating properly!

Spent some of this evening doing my usual thing. But I’m feeling restless. I feel too ill and tired to anything energetic. I don’t know how to focus this feeling. I may just go to bed. At least there I can be in the dark, the quiet and lay feeling comfortable and in little pain..There is much to be said about taking pain meds and being peaceful. Such bliss.

I am craving more to be in a peaceful, quiet, calm, mindful place. Noise from my mind, the tv, fb, my phone. Is just too much. I need a break. I’ve taken that.

Hoping my mood will have lifted again by the morning. I’m not sure what my mind is playing at today.

Just thinking about laying in bed in the quiet is ah just pure bliss. That is where I am headed after this.

Night all. May you find your quiet place. Your mindful place. Your bliss ❀

Peace out

Batman

Feeling ok…Ok start to the week

I am feeling ok today. Not mega happy, or mega depressed. Just feeling ok.

I cleaned up the whole flat, so feeling much better for it being done. Did two loads of laundry.

Had myself a really nice shower. I didn’t shower on Sun, so I spent a while scrubbing myself clean.

I didn’t feel like taking the dogs for a long walk. So I took them over the road with a ball and we played over there for about half an hour, they really enjoyed themselves. Running about, chasing each other. I love watching them. Makes my heart smile.

Came back and had some lunch. Played games on my tab and have just been chilling out watching tv.

Going out soon, for the trans group social. Going to a place called Harry Ramsdon, its a fish and chip restaurant. I may or may not eat, I haven’t decided. I’m not really hungry.

My best friend is home from hospital now. She’s doing much better, she still has mild psychotic symptoms. But at least she’s home and feeling better. I said that if she wants to come over for dinner, or needs me for anything at all then to just message me. Just want to make sure she eats properly and isn’t going to be spending too much time alone, etc.

I may or may not write later, depends how tired I feel. I made a point of not having a nap this afternoon, despite feeling really tired. I am hoping it won’t take too long to get to sleep tonight. It didn’t take that long last night, thankfully πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman

Slow… go….

Today it took me ages to get going! The flat was a mess and I knew I needed to sort it out, but just couldn’t get it done.

When I did get myself up and ready it was time to go and meet this lady I have been chatting too, I got there 10mins late, but she understood, so that was nice. We got on really well and chatted for a few hours. We sat in the park and looked in a few shops. I had a lovely afternoon.Β 

When I got in I was exhausted, so I slept for a few hours and foxy came and had snuggles with me πŸ™‚ Took me a while to come round and wake up properly and finally cleaned the flat. It took a while, but I did it and I feel better for having done it.Β 

Had a sandwich for dinner… Its better then nothing. I’m just not hungry. I’m am so exhausted! Bed very soon!

Β Pic from Harry Paye day πŸ™‚

Peace out

Tank girl