trauma

This lockdown has been kinda good for one thing its allowed old wounds and pains to surface and its made me face the reality of the route cause of this pain that’s been there forever.

I’ve had counselling and different therapies since I was 15 years old on and off over the years and I’ve always skirted around this issue, cuz its painful and embarrassing to admit and as I’ve gotten older its got harder.

I find it super hard to be vulnerable and honest with myself let alone anyone else. But today I was able to verbalise it, which was very uncomfortable.

My parents divorced when I was 15 and my memories from around that time are patchy. It was a pretty traumatic experience and the years running up to that weren’t that great either and again memories are patchy.

For some that may not be seen as a traumatic event but for me it was and my mental health wasn’t great before it happened as I started self harming when I was around 9/10 years old. I can’t explain why I started self harming as again memories are fractured, not in order or missing completely.

I was an extremely anxious and extremely shy as a little kid, I struggled to make friends, I always felt left out and I still feel the same now at the age of 35 years old.

I think as you get older you tend to romanticise what your childhood was like, with me I don’t remember much at all. But I remember what it made me feel, what I felt then is what I feel now. No matter how hard I try to heal, to move forward. I am always dragged back to how I felt at the age of 15 years old.

I still feel like a little kid standing in a room full of adults trying to be seen and heard, I feel like I don’t exist, I feel alone, intense loneliness, I feel so sad, I’m in so much pain, I feel lost, I feel scared, I feel numb, I feel unloved and unlovable, I feel unwanted.

I can’t keep bleeding over the same thing, hurting over the same thing. It’s just too hard, too painful.

I feel so left out, everyone has their circle of friends and I’m standing way on the sidelines, waiting to be seen and heard, waiting for the scraps, waiting to have my existence remembered. I can’t do it anymore.

I’ve not hit any expected adult mile stones, I’ve never been in a long term relationships, I’ve never lived with anyone, I’ve never been engaged, married, I don’t have kids, never had a long term employment (mainly due to my physical health) 1 long term friendship which I no longer have. I don’t have kids, don’t own my place and never have. Never travelled anywhere, never done anything.

I feel like I’ve missed out on so much because of this trauma that hides inside me and seems to have such a strong hold over me. I end up bleeding on everyone around me and no one wants to deal with that. But I don’t mean too, I try so hard but doesn’t seem to be working. But I’m just a traumatise kid inside.

I’m so exhausted, so tired of trying, tired of feeling this pain, tired of fighting to be seen and heard, tired of existing. I’m tired of looking after myself, tired of acting like I’m a grown up when really I maybe 35 but emotionally, socially etc I’m still just a 15 year old kid inside. It exhausting trying to pretend I’m ok when I’m not.

This is hard

Peace out

Zak

LOCKDOWN SUCKS

I’ve not written anything for a while because there is SO much in my head, so much to write it feels too overwhelming to even begin to think through and process.

Things keep popping up that I thought I was done dealing with, one thing/person in particular and it sucks! Sometimes I really hate being so sensitive as things seem to take forever to stop hurting over and over about the same thing, people, situations etc. I wish so much was different, I wish I was different but there’s little I can do to change any of that now.

I was searching through paperwork on Monday and found a few receipts and a letter that stirred up a lot of emotions. I don’t know what to do with this letter, keeping it isn’t good but I’m not ready to let go. I’m not ready to let go of this person, I still feel as raw as when we broke up, that was 19 months ago. I know healing isn’t linear but I feel like some of my wounds never fully heal, despite the work I put in, despite not wanting to be hurting anymore.

Lockdown has stirred up so much stuff within me and its hard being lockdown on my own. Lockdown has stripped me of any kind of intimacy, there’s loads of different ways to be intimate, social, emotional, intellectual, physical etc. And this part of lockdown is starting to become increasingly difficult to deal with. I didn’t realise how much I miss intimacy, how much I need it. I definitely miss it so much in a more romantic way, fuck I miss that so much, but I miss that person so much too.

This disconnection from humans is brutal and unnatural, we’re not built to be alone, we’re not built for this much with no physical contact. It’s not good for anyone’s mental health and it feels like I’m being pulled and dragged back into a place I worked so hard to get out of, 1 step forward 1000 back. I feel disconnect but at the same time I feel overwhelmed and feel everything.

I am getting used to the new routine, letting go and trying to focus on the day to day rather then looking into the future. That part is easy to deal with now, it was really hard at the start because I struggle with changes, especially big changes and changes in routine. But kinda feels nice to be relaxing more and being outside more with the dogs, I like that most places I walk feels calmer, I don’t miss the busyness of town and the noise of the people doing food shopping.

Some days are better then others but everyday the swirling mess of feelings is stuck inside my brain.

I’ve always felt quite lonely for as long as I can remember, never felt like I quite belonged and these feelings kinda come and go. But lockdown has stirred all that up again and it kinda feels like I’m gonna be alone forever.

Going over the same old thoughts, same old circles round and round. Feel like I’ll always be stuck here. I’m always being told that working on yourself comes from within, only you can change yourself etc. But I try so hard and it doesn’t seem to be good enough, it never changes, not really. Maybe I just can’t do it alone, but also meant to be alone. Feel like I’m gonna be stuck with this internal pain forever.

Peace out

Zak

Relaxing and reflecting

Today I’ve just spent relaxing and reflecting. I woke up at about 9:30 am and had some ready brek for breakfast 🙂 and just chilled out watching t.v till midday. I was all snuggled up on the sofa with my fur babies, it was so nice and just what my body and mind needed! 

I had some lunch and had a nice shower, but I showered using mindfulness, so everything was nice and slow, noticing the smell of my shower gel, how the bubbles felt against my skin etc. Just helped refocus my head and just relax me. I got dressed then took my foxy girl out for a wee. I let her off the lead again, but this time was a bit more tricky as there were a fair few people about and she kept going up to them and she found it hard to listen to me… She then nearly gave me a heart attack as she headed towards the road and she FINALLY stopped when I shouted ‘WAIT’ and showed her the treat and she soon came running back. Keeping calm was SO hard, but I had too otherwise she would of just kept running. I new to this doggy training stuff as she’s the 1st dog I’ve ever owned, but I have been looking up lil tricks and tips to help me train her while we are out, but I think I am doing pretty well considering! I’ve not lost her yet lol! So total bonus! 

Just relaxed some more this afternoon, took some pain killers and 5mgs of diazepam just to relax myself some more, got my big comfy pillow and laid down snuggled up with all my fur babies and watching crappy chat show and the house wives of Vancouver, which I nearly cried at as one of the ladies has a sick daughter and she nearly lost her, which was so sad. I don’t know why I empathize so easily with people I don’t even know and situations I’ve never even been it…. I suppose its good, but it also means I hurt a lot.

Made myself some dinner, roast potatoes, smoked haddock and peas 🙂 It was really yummy and the animals ate what I couldn’t. 

Like I said earlier I’ve been reflecting today and even though I’ve been knocked down, hurt and rejected, I will not be beaten! There are good people in this world and I have 6 people in my life that are always there for me and I know I can always count on no matter what! Yes I’ve come across a lot of dick heads recently, but what doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger! Yes they have made me feel bad, but by me feeling bad has no effect on them what so ever…so the only person hurting is me and I can stop that hurt, but not caring about these people that have been so horrible to me. If they had any kind of a conscience at all then they would express that they felt bad about how they’ve been treating me, but so far non of them have! So FUCK EM! I am wounded but not slain. I shall lay me down and rest a while. And then I will rise and fight again 🙂 This tank girl will fight to see another day! Having said all that YES my dark passenger is walking in my shadow, I can feel it close to my skin. I’m trying to ignore him, but if it happens it happens, just a few more scars too add to the rest wont make any difference. My dark passenger is a part of me and I think it always will be. I have more control over it then I ever did before. Cutting is a choice and YES sometimes I choose to cut for a number of reasons, the main reason being is that I love cutting….the same as people like smoking, cutting is my vice! Right now I can’t see my future without my dark passenger… that seems like a pretty scary prospect! BUT he is in my total control. 

So yea after taking a day to myself I feel better. For now. I was just overwhelmed with everything going on in my life right now. But I need to hold on to the fact I do have good people in my life and I am so blessed as a result. Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter 🙂 

Peace out

Tank girl 🙂 x