Inner monologue

I wrote this early hours of this morning and thought I’d share the sort of stuff that runs through my brain.

Inner monologue

Body needs to rest but my brain needs that’s physical stimulation which is maybe where/when/why I get so agitated and frustrated as I’m not physically working moving enough and my brain needs that stimulation/sensation in order to be able to focus and function better

But obviously having a chronic illness rest time is hugely important and essential to keep my body well.

My brain is also easily overstimulated which can either leave me feeling drained and overwhelmed or hyper and unable to sleep or settle down.

It’s been such a great journey learning more about myself and how my brain is working and connecting those dots.

Pretty much everything I write isn’t based in science, just my own personal experience, discovery and exploration of myself and how I work and function, which is fascinating.

I’m heading towards 35 and I’m finally figuring myself out, in a way I’ve never really looked at before.

When I have counselling before it’s was always based around dealing with the situations I was currently dealing with like self harm and depression. I never really delved into my past and never really spoke about the why, why I am the I am, what’s making me tick.

This round of counselling, I mean yeah I was struggling big time with anxiety and depression. But I feel like I’ve been way more open with my current counsellor, I’ve delved deeper than just surface stuff and I’ve been given the space and opportunity to look at things completely differently and it’s been super fascinating and now when I’ll just get random thoughts much like how this post started from a light bulb moment I suppose and I’ve just been writing and writing and a lot of my scribbles don’t make it into a blog but I’ve got so many notes all over the place I will type them up and turn them into some kind of order as I think it’s such an important part of the process and journey of rediscovering who I am outside of friendships and relationships and outside of my transition.

I don’t think I’ve ever really known who I am and where I fit. But I’m slowly learning and discovering more about myself and it’s exciting.

I’m starting to like me and who I am, what I represent and what I can contribute to this life.

I’ve always felt like a lost soul, just kinda floating around, not really fitting in or not even really needed.

I’m started to feel more grounded in my body, in my mind and in my soul, the essence of who I am and why I’m here. Feels super weird but also pretty cool.

My sessions end this month and I’m feeling pretty confident that I can continue this journey myself. Just gotta keep writing out all these thoughts in my head and continue to listen to myself and the different aspects that make up me and make sure all needs are met where possible so I can continue to be the best version of me.

I did write another note of stuff I was thinking about last night but I will post that separately as its pretty long.

Also reading this back I have little recollection of writing this, I knew I wrote it but I was so in the moment and everything was just flowing, which I think the real me is able to come into power and be at my most raw and vulnerable.

Peace out

Zak

Crazy catch up

So I’ve not really been about since Monday as I’ve had a really busy week.

It’s been so insane! I haven’t had two mins to myself. But I’ve had a great time with some really important people 🙂

I’ve spent most of the week so hyper and manic. I think it’s my subconscious’s way of protecting me as Thursday was the 3rd anniversary of my dads death. I’m just worried that I am going to crash really hard, very soon.

I’ve had my best friend H with me for a few nights and days this week, as she’s been having a rough time. I’ve really enjoyed the time I’ve spent with her, looking after her.

Group was good Thursday, although because I was so hyper, I think I played up a bit and was a bit disruptive.

Scrappy is now 4.3kg! Such a big boy and is booked in for a castration on the 14th. Bit nervous for him, but I’m sure he will be ok.

I did gammon in coke on Thurs, for myself, H and Z. It went down very well and we all had empty plates. It was utterly gorgeous.

I’ve kept on top of laundry and cleaning this week.

Got my chest binder I ordered….it was shit. So binned it. But it was 99p. Bit stressed about it, don’t really know what to do now. Who to turn to about it. Don’t want to be a bother.

My Halloween party was really awesome 🙂 We ate lots, drank lots (well just pepsi for me) and played games. It was such a great laugh. I didn’t get to sleep till one 2 am and I was up with the boys at 8 am. Harvey loved H! He kept asking me if H loved him, he didn’t leave her alone all night! It was so so sweet.

Just been relaxing this afternoon. Well I cleaned up the flat and did a bit of food shopping.

I heard from D recently. I wasn’t expecting it at all. Kinda sent my head in a spin…..loads of different feelings come rushing all over me. Maybe if I play it right I’ll get a second chance..??

It’s 8:30 pm and I am struggling to stay awake lol. I’ve been on it all week. I need to rest and get a decent nights sleep. I’m going to take the dogs out about 9 pm, then have a shower and get myself to bed. No plans for tomorrow as of yet. I do need to go see a friend who has my spare keys to get them back, as he’s not bothered with me at all, so doesn’t deserve to have my keys. So I may do that tomorrow.

This isn’t a very organised piece of writing from me, but it totally mirrors my mind.

Peace out

Batman

Dolly Parton

Well yesterday was epic! I woke up to a phone call from my friend D he asked me if I wanted to go and see Dolly Parton in Liverpool. At 1st I said no because I had no money. But I thought about it and really its a once in a life time opportunity I mean she’s 68 and it maybe her last ever gig. So I rang back up and said yes, so D said they will come and pick me up in an hour. So I jumped in the shower, got dressed.. Took me a while to figure out what I wanted to wear. I took fox out for a wee, nipped to the shops to get a couple of energy drinks, came home got some snacks together and waited for the boys to come and get me.

I went with D, his bf T and T’s mum. T was driving and it took about 6 hours to drive up there! We had a proper giggle on the way up. D and I apparently had an hours nap on the way lol. We got there and went to KFC for dinner, which was cool. We had a few hours to kill and by the arena there was a big wheel, so we all went up that, even though poor D was a bit scared lol. We then lined up to get in and found our seats. The arena was HUGE! it seats 12000! WOW! 

Dolly started performing at just gone 8 pm! and wow she was freaking amazing! She’s so cute and small! and so talented. She played a wide range of instruments! I was pretty gobsmacked ! I can’t even play one lol. I was in total awe of her the whole time! We were all clapping and singing along. She finished at about 10:30pm. We waited a bit before we left as it was so busy. It didn’t take long to get to the car, but it took a while to get out of the car park. 

I was so freaking hyper! and was awake for the whole trip back lol! We stopped a fair few times on the way back for toilet breaks etc. It only took about 4 hours to get back as there wasn’t much traffic about. I got dropped off home at 4:30 am! and I came home to a very excited foxy dog 🙂 we had snuggles, then took her out for a wee wee. 

Let her into the bedroom, put some food and water in the bedroom for her and got myself ready for bed and took my meds. I turned off my phone and put it on charge, played about on my tab and I must of fell asleep about gone 5 am.

Woke up about midday, came into the lounge and snuggled back up on the sofa with fox and spent pretty much the rest of the day sleeping on and off. I eventually got showered and dressed at about 5 pm, took foxy for a wee. Scraped £5 together and went to the shops for a few bits. 

Just been chilling out this evening, thinking about all the things I really need to do! Got so many things running through my mind just need try and organize my thoughts. I may write a list down of what I need to be doing and when. 

Going to get to bed fairly soon. Got to be up early for Sammy to be dropped over.

I can’t wait for the world cup to start! Our 1st game is Saturday! BOOM!

 The wheel we all went on

 The massive arena 

 Miss Dolly herself 🙂

Peace out

Tank girl

 

 

 

London Comic Con 14 AMAZING

Well what can I say about today! Really there are no words to describe how awesome today was! There was a lot of screaming and jumping about from me, oh and squealing hehe.

I was up at 5:45 am this morning, I literally jumped out of bed and into action! I had a shower and got dressed, had some breakfast, took foxy out for a wee and got by bag ready and I had a bit of time to chill out.

Got picked up at about 7:20 am by D and T and we set off to pick up D.S. All of us were pretty hyped up so spent all the trip up to London just chatting and getting even more excited. We did stop on the way for a wee break but we were soon back on the road.

We got to MCM Expo London Comic con at about 11 am and we headed over to find to how to get in, we got a bit lost to begin with, but once we found the right line and got in it, then the doors opened! We however were MILES from the front and we spent about 3 hours just waiting in line to get in. Time well spent though.

Finally got into the main place and just wow! I was SO overwhelmed! There were just thousands and thousands of people, so many of whom just had epic costumes! It was noisy, there was so many places to look! It was just sensory overload. So we tried to go around the whole place bit by bit and I think we managed to see everything. 

I am so glad I had a decent amount of money to spoil myself with 🙂 I got so many awesome things. 

A list of things I bought

1: I got a picture with the Doctor Who Tardis

2: Joker comic

3: Jake cake 

4: Steampunk goggles 

5: The most awesome Batman backpack EVER

6: Adventure time T-shirt

7: Adventure time Sword 

8: Adventure time card holder

9: 2 batman posters signed by a guy who does art work for transformers 

10: Adventure time book

😀 Money well spent. 

We sat down to eat at about 4pm! Man I was ready to drop by then. I so needed to sit down and eat! Had a look at our bits that we had all got and I think by far my batman bag was the best! Had another little look about as time was getting on. Then D and I decided to go sit in the car as we were starting to hurt etc. So D.S and T went their separate ways and finished looking around while D and I headed to the car.

Got to the car and sorted out stuff out, took my shoes off and took some pain relief and got myself comfy. Was great to sit down lol. It wasn’t long till T and then D.S came back. Had a little look at what the boys had got, then we started our journey back home. 

We stopped half way to have dinner. I had KFC but didn’t really eat mine, I was too hyper to eat and not that hungry. So set off again, for the other half of the journey home. I felt a bit sick on the way back, I think it was a mixture of being hot, not really eating much all day, bouncing about with excitement all day and it being heavy food on my stomach. Dropped D.S home 1st and luckily it wasn’t too much further to drop me back. 

Got in about 10 pm and I had one very happy puppy dog! wow was great to see her and be out of the car. I pretty much felt better straight away. 

I took my foxy girl out for a walk, we did a few circles of the green as she had been in all day. 

When we got in she headed to the bedroom and I let her in. I got a few bits and joined her in the bedroom. I took pictures of all the things I had bought. I have decided that I am going to wear my batman bag and steampunk goggles all the time as they are simply awesome. I uploaded pictures to FB and chatted to a few friends. 

I am now still hyper lol. I am hoping to sleep really well tonight and not get up too early… then I am going to clean up and do laundry! and if the weather is nice and I feel ok, then I am going to take my foxy girl for a nice walk. 

 Steampunk goggles 😀

Batman backpack complete with utility belt, wings and hood 😀 The best bag in the world! I am in LOVE! 

Peace out

Tank girl ❤

Spiked mood

Mood has spiked today! right now I am ready for bed! 

Woke up at 9 am this morning and just sat for a bit. 

Had my hair cut. So the ‘hair dresser’ that had cut my mowhawk in, hadn’t done it properly and the back was off. I knew it was because I could feel it didn’t go straight down. So that’s been shaved right off! And just got a bit at the top to spike up. Although I found a white hair and so did Darren! Argh they seem to be growing in numbers.

Booked myself in to have my eyebrows waxed. Came home, had a shower and got dressed. Took my foxy girl for a walk… got quite burnt. 

Chilled out for a bit after my walk, it was nice, but hot. Went an had my eyebrows done, had a little look about the shops. Got a bit of food shopping.

I am so red… :/ lol Got into pjs. Ate crap. Watched TV. Head is BUZZING. Did some drawing. Took goofy pics of myself. 

Head is still buzzing, but my body is SO tired. 

 Washed up Jelly fish

 Me 🙂

 Me and foxy girl

 Lol

Peace out

Tank girl

Sleep, hype, reading

Today has been good, caught up on sleep 🙂 managed to read some and just generally chilled out.

Went to see Captain America – The Winter Solider tonight with G and S was really good!

My new Ecko jeans came in the post today! I love them! They fit perfect and look good 🙂 just what I was after. It’s so hard to find jeans in the style I like.

Feeling ok I guess. Part of my just wants to stay in away from everyone at the moment. I just don’t feel like socializing, but when I’m with people I get all hyped up, like a fucking performing monkey! Wanting constant attention, but I don’t realise I am doing it! URGH I’m so weird.

Anyway got to try and calm down and get some sleep. I really need to clean up tomorrow morning, the flats a bit of a pit.

Peace out

Tank girl

Manic head, agitated body

I didn’t get to sleep last night till like nearly 3 am lol! I fell asleep watching Frozen. 

My alarm went off at 7 am ready for Sammie to be dropped off, BUT someone had forgotten to tell me that she wasn’t being dropped off! But I soon fell back to sleep till around 10:30am.

Had a shower and got dressed, but was having a complete moment about what I was wearing and nothing felt right urgh. 

My friend D came over at midday, we chilled out for a bit. I was feeling a bit edgy, so needed to get out the flat. I bought myself a new batman hoodie. He got a load of Marvel clothes 🙂 he also grabbed some lunch and came back to mine. We settled down on the sofa, ate lunch and watched Frozen. I was still feeling a bit agitated and looking through old pics, I decided I wanted my hair cut, so we paused the film, nipped across the road and I had my mowhawk shaved back in!

After returning back to mine, I restarted the film for D and I got a shower, I put on my old raggy jeans! They are a bit grotty and a bit holey, but I love them so much. That with a Joker top! BOOM this tank girl felt MUCH better! 

Had a meeting tonight, learning how to use the new system and to enter details etc. It was ok, going to take sometime to get used to doing all our work online so its paper free. We were fed too, mac and cheese, but it was white pasta and now feeling bloated and sick. 

I’ve been so hyper since having my hair done. It’s 12:30 am now and I am totally crashing! So I am getting my ass to bed soon…..well that’s the plan, unless I get side tracked. 

 🙂 fluffly hair. (man I keep putting my letters in the wrong order…so annoying)

Peace out

Tank girl

Grey Monday, happy tanky :)

It has been another, cold, grey and rainy day! 😦 Where did the sun go?

Woke up late-ish and sat about for a bit. 

Cleaned up a bit. Then I had a package delivered… It was HUGE! I had NO idea what it was. I excitedly opened it like a kid on Christmas morning! It was very exciting. And OMG! I got some pretty awesome stuff, a batman belt in the style of a car seatbelt, a HUGE mug, cat toys, dog toys and other cool stuff! Man it was awesome! It was from a friend I made on fb years ago. She’s from across the pond and has MI issues like me. This completely made my entire day!

I eventually got round to finding my new stuff homes. The cats loved their new toys, fox however wasn’t so impressed when I made the monkey ride her back 🙂 I got showered and dressed and took my girl for a wee.

Sat and watched tv for a bit. My food shopping was delivered late, but that was my fault, hadn’t listed my address or phone number properly lol. But it got sorted and it was delivered eventually lol. 

Put on the sausage and bean casserole, so it would be done for the week. Put on something else for dinner tonight. I had baby potatoes and fish cakes 🙂

I then sat and played 5 hours of Batman Arkham Asylum 😀 It’s just as good as the 1st time I played. I did stop to have a break and I ate two waffles and two pancakes with syrup 😀 So yum! Just what every gamer needs.

It 1:30am here..I’ve just finished watching Tangled and playing about on fb an amazon… I need to sort my meds out really, got to be up at 7am for Sammie to be dropped off! This should be fun! So hyper! 😀

Peace out

Tank girk

Hyped up :D

Today didn’t go to plan, but I am so glad because it ended out being so funny.

I woke up at 8 am, showered and dressed and went to Asda for a cooked breakfast, it was so yum! Got a few drinks and got myself Frozed on DVD and got Harvey the DVD he wanted. Came back to the flat and took fox for a wee and dropped her back. G and S were running late lol, we picked up D on the way. We got to the place we were meant to be doing a course and we waited for a good hour lol, I think it came down to a miss communication… So we went to a cafe for a bit.

We dropped D back home and S and G came to mine to pick up Sammie, we sat and chatted for a bit, then we decided to take the dogs for a walk and OMG it was SO funny, playing on all the park equipment etc. There weren’t many people out as it was miserable out. But we had a good laugh and Sammie went off the lead for the 1st time! She did well.

After our walk we came back to mine and watched Frozen 🙂 LOVE this film so much.

Then we ended up running about in Tesco like nutters haha I got a few bits, so did they. Got dropped home, totally hyper lol! Just blowing up everyones fb with random shit! 😀 videos from today etc! 

Lost track of time and only had dinner when my stomach rumbled! Ate it all 🙂

Only had 2 and a half 500ml bottles of Pepsi today 🙂 So pleased with myself.

Oh ordered my food shopping online. Being delivered Monday.

It’s now 12:39am and I’m still up! I’m a bit hungry though so need to eat before I take my medication. A bit of cheese and crackers it is 🙂

Peace out

Tank girl

Perfect ending :)

I struggled to get to sleep last night. Took me till nearly 4 am! J fell asleep a bit before me. I was chatting to my lovely new friend 🙂 It was such a great night, I was just so hyped up! 

While J was staying with me I didn’t have one nightmare 🙂 its so nice to be able to sleep at night without being so scared of something that I know in my rational head isn’t real. In the dark I still feel like something is there. I also think that if I don’t have a cover over at least one foot that something will grab my feet and hurt me. I know in my rational mind that its all just in my head… but I can’t help thinking that something is going to happen. But yea its good that I felt safe, while J was there. I’m trying not to think about bed time tonight. Going to try and sleep with just the T.V on and not my little light. Will see how I go.

J and I both woke about 11 am, it was a nice change from getting up so early. We both led in bed for a bit just waking up. I felt like I’d been hit by a bus. I was so achy and my head really hurt. My own fault for getting so hyped and lack of sleep. We then came into the lounge and watched Spongebob 🙂 and we both had breakfast and just chilled. I even had a nap for about an hour and J dozed off too. J then got dressed and got his stuff together, I then jumped in the shower and got dressed. We just sat both waking up still lol. Then it came time to walk J to the coach stop. Brought foxy girl along too so she could go for a wee and lil walk. The weather is awful, so windy, rainy and looking a bit stormy.

I was pretty sad to see J leave, we’d lost 2 years of friendship through idol gossip..etc But the good thing is that we are talking again. It’s so good to have my best friend back in my life, we have both grown and changed in the 2 years, but for the better. It was so amazing that we could just pick up where we left off so effortlessly 🙂

I have spent the rest of the day snuggled up on the sofa with my babies! watching Bad Girls. I needed an nap, but I only managed to just doze off for about an hour, but I was still aware that the T.V was on. It’s been so nice. Perfect way to end an amazing few days with my bestie boi!

Had myself some yummy dinner 😀 and carried on watching Bad Girls. Caught up playing FB games and catching up on here. It’s nearly 9 pm and I’m not feeling too tired, but I’m certainly not going to bed at a stupid hour again. If the weather isn’t too bad tomorrow I think I will take my foxy baby for a walk.

Peace out

Tank girl 🙂