Transition update – Week 23 on T

Woohoo! Today was injection day, that always makes me feel really good. Not that I wasn’t feeling good before but its just something I always really look forward too.

I update twice last week as my GP rang to say my T levels were low and I could inject every 3 weeks, rather then every 4 weeks.

He also wants me to get my injections done at the doctors surgery rather then me doing it and to be honest I’m happy with that. My surgery is literally across the road so its not far to get too and I’ve been struggling to open the testosterone bottles because I have hyper mobility, I just don’t have the power in my hands to crack them open safely. So I don’t mind someone else jabbing my in the butt.

Hopefully now I will see some significant changes, as its all been super slow and very minimal. Although some of my friends don’t agree with that, I don’t see the changes they do and I don’t feel it either. So I’ve been feeling really frustrated with the whole thing, hopefully this will sort it out but I’m still sceptical that its still going to be too low.

I’ve gotta have some more bloods in 9 weeks before my 3rd injection and then another blood test 7 days later. Then we’ll be able to see if my testosterone levels have improved or not.

Other then feeling frustrated with low T levels, everything else have been going alright. My PIP forms are currently being assessed, I so hope I don’t need to go for a face to face assessment, they’re so horrible and so degrading.

My mood has been a lot better then it was in December, I feel much calmer and more settled. Anxiety is still an issue but its not as intense as it was, its far more manageable now.

Week 23 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Well that’s it for now

Peace out

Dyllan

Transition update – Week 21 on T

I’m writing this a day late this week, as yesterday I was having a bit of a hissy fit. So I ended up just sleeping and binge watching stuff on Netflix all day. I totally needed it and felt much better for it, the two previous nights I’d not slept well at all and I think it all finally caught up with me.

The reason I was having a bit of a moment was because at the weekend I had fraud on my card…again! For the 3rd time in about 3 years, its such an inconvenience being without a card. Also for some reason I had it in my head that I was getting paid this week… But I didn’t because I wasn’t due to get paid until next week URGH! I don’t know what happened, or how it happened but I totally mismanaged my money and was left with Β£8 for a week. I was totally kicking myself and I was so fucking angry with myself, I could not believe I fucked up so baldy. Some of my lovely friends though offered me money which was so sweet of them, but after much agonising I rang my grandparents and asked them for some money, which felt horrible! I hate asking for help and money especially from family. But thankfully they gave me Β£80, unfortunately Β£60 of that went straight into the bank for bills… and I’ve already spent the rest on food. But luckily I’m still owed a bit of money from a friend and my mum, so I won’t be totally skint.

So to say I was stressed was an understatement, I just couldn’t get over how I fucked up so bad. I ended up just sleeping on and off all day long, but I totally needed and I feel loads better today.

Anyway back to the transition stuff, I have noticed that the hair on my thighs have finally started growing and looking darker which is cool, the rest of my legs look like a forest and my armpits too, I’m so chuffed.

Yesterday I had my peak blood test for my testosterone levels and I should get my results tomorrow, which will tell me how often I will need to do my injections.

For a few days after my injection last week my appetite increased but that’s settled down now thankfully and from Fri-Mon my mood and energy was way up which felt good! Feeling a bit more settled and chill today and a bit more grounded.

Week 21 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

That’s all for this week,

Peace out

Dyllan

Transition update – Pre T pics

I am going to try and document my transition… If I remember too. By documenting my own transition I hope it helps and inspires others.

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^ Last Pre T selfie

IMG_2650 (Edited)

^ Pre T shot of my body, hate body shots so wont be doing them often to start with

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^ My testosterone and sharps box, woohoo

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^ My T shot all ready

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^ Nurse putting that massive needle in my butt

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^ First T shot πŸ˜€

I was going to upload a video as well, but I can’t I have to upgrade my plan but I don’t have the money to do that right now, which is a tad frustrating. I may upload it to YouTube and then post the link and get around it that way for now. Although I shall do that another time as I need to get some sleep at some point this evening.

Peace out

Batman

Writing helps me make sense of my brain

I was going to post some pictures of the last few weeks but my laptop is being so slow! and it’s really irritating so I shall try again tomorrow.

Feeling much better today, I think writing yesterday really helped me to work through everything that was going through my head. It got it all out an I have things that I can work on to help.

I actually slept well last night πŸ™‚ probably for the first time in a while.

Woke up with really achy legs, my leg muscles are always so so sore the day after I do my injection 😦 but they didn’t feel better until I had a little nap.

Got myself showered and dressed and on days like this I am so grateful of my shower stool because there was no way I could of had a shower without sitting this morning, my legs hurt too much.

Didn’t feel confident enough to take my stick out with me today even though I should have. I managed without it ok though.

I met L and the boys in town, L treated me to a tattoo πŸ™‚ I love it so much and I so needed a bit of pain therapy! Was good fun

After we slowly made our way back to L’s picked up the pup and went to the park for a few hours, which was good.

Headed back to mine, all my furkids were happy to see me πŸ™‚

Did the house work, so I don’t have to do it tomorrow. Went and got stuff to make dinner with next week and picked up my prescription.

Just been relaxing this evening watching CSI Vegas and playing with my furkids πŸ™‚

Having a nice roast dinner tomorrow at L’s so looking forward to that, can’t beat a good roast.

Think I am going to do a little bit of colouring in my book before getting myself to bed.

11873967_10155854556405456_1074638198_nΒ our tattoo’s πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman

Another small step

Woohoo! πŸ™‚ Had some fab news today, so I’m feeling pretty good.

I had a bit of a slow start this morning and woke up at 10 am and considering I spent most of yesterday asleep I was surprised I woke up at that time, but I suppose I needed it.

I eventually got my butt out and went and got my haircut and now I’m looking like a real smart boy πŸ™‚

Got in, cleaned up a bit, had a shower. Chilled out a bit and had some lunch, caught up with online stuff.

I had a phone call from my GP and well the short story is that he’s booked me in to see him next week as he needs to do a full health check on me and I need a bunch of blood tests done before he can send my form off to the gender clinic πŸ™‚ so EEEEEK! so exciting! It’s another little step closer to where I want to be.

Because I’d spent all yesterday sleeping I felt bad for the pups so I took them out for a nice walk so they could let off some energy. Scrappy went for a swim and just generally being all crazy lol! Racing about like a crazy thing and foxy was flirting with other dogs lol. It was just really nice to be out enjoying the dogs and just being out.

Got home and chilled out for a bit and I felt like going to sleep lol, I think it was all the fresh sea air, the pups were tired too and flopped onto the sofa with me for a little bit. Had some dinner and got me and the pups ready to go out to go over to my brother’s place for the evening.

Had a good evening with my bro, his GF K and lil Leo. We played some good old 80’s games lol! connect 4, guess who and a pac man board game…which was pretty boring haha but it was funny. It was just a good evening πŸ™‚

I did my metoject injection in the top of my thigh this evening and now I’ve lost weight it’s so much easier to pinch my skin to inject into. Still freaking hurts though lol!

Oooh so my friend has taken her cat and kittens to the vets and the one that I am having is definitely a girl πŸ™‚ YAY! I’m so excited to get her! woohoo!

No solid plans tomorrow as of yet, I may see my bro and hang out or something. Whatever happens I’m going to try and make the most of it πŸ™‚

New haircut, I’m a handsome boy πŸ˜‰ lol

Peace out

Batman

Just feeling the happiness

I didn’t get to bed till 12:30 am because Mr Scrappy got so muddy just going out for a wee that I had to shower and dry him when we got in, he was filthy. He was not impressed with the hair dryer but I didn’t want a wet dog in my bed.

I slept well though, I didn’t feel up to much today. Until I checked my bank account and saw that I had been paid early. That made me feel a bit less stressed about how I was going to get through till Tues.

The pain has been bad today with my joints and muscles. The pain killers have’t really touched the muscle pain. I think maybe I have sciatica, as my lower back and legs keep feeling a bit numb and tingly, its been worse recently. I need to see my gp to ask about the pain clinic as I’ve not heard anything yet so maybe I shall see him soon, if this pain doesn’t ease up.

I had a little wander in town, treated myself to Paddington on DVD, I also got some presents for my friends children, as I am going over there tomorrow for their sons naming ceremony πŸ™‚ So I enjoyed shopping and spoiling them all.

Spent the afternoon just chilling out, watching DVD’s and having puppy snuggles. Oh and eating jelly beans too. I gave myself a buzz cut too, a number 1 all over. Ah nice and fresh, had to have another shower.

Took the pups across the road a few times today for a run, they had fun even though the weather is miserable. I’m sure this time last year miss foxy was running about without a jumper on but its still too cold at the moment. Although I’m glad because today she rolled in fox poop and scrappy ate some…my pups are gross lol! So I had to wash her jumper along with the towels I chucked into wash. Scrappy and I played indoor fetch most of the afternoon and tug, his two favourite games. I love playing with my puppies, it makes me so happy πŸ™‚ and I know it makes them happy too.

For some reason this evening I have been holding my breath and breathing very shallowly. Not sure why, just been trying to be mindful and breathe normally. I don’t know it’s so odd, I’m also tensing everything as well, that just makes the pain worse. Just trying to relax and breathe normally.

I coloured in one of my mandala’s this afternoon. It was really nice to just sit in the quiet and colour and just be in the moment. I’ve also been playing with my kinetic sand and clever putty today. It keeps my hand busy and my mind busy and it’s so relaxing as well. Totally obsessed with them both, I can’t stop playing with them, I play until my hands ache.

My appetite is still pretty non existent, just been eating the same 3 things. I just have no desire to eat anything else. Making an effort to drink less Pepsi and more water, my Pepsi in take has increased lately, so I need to cut back. Plus it’s probably not helping my teeth :/ I need to go to the dentist and have it looked at.

I had a nice evening. I watched Paddington and loved it, so funny πŸ™‚

I’ve been sat practising to smile and relax my face and its actually made me feel really good. I’m trying to just feel the happiness and the content feeling that is inside of me. It’s ok to feel happy and be happy, somehow it seems to be easier to be depressed.

Anyway’s I need to get to bed soon. I gotta do my injection, take my other meds and take the pups out and hopefully scrappy won’t get too dirty tonight lol!

Peace out

Batman

Happy re-birth day to me! :)

I am going to start by saying its a happy re-birth day to me (sounds like something from Alice in Wonderland lol) But I got my deed poll through today so I am now Mr πŸ™‚ this is a big step towards my journey.

Didn’t update yesterday because I felt unwell an just couldn’t be bothered.

Went to bed Thursday night, did my usual routine. I took the pups out for a wee, gave the cat some treats and took my meds.

I didn’t sleep a wink all fucking night!

Still managed to make it out with my friend and the pups. We took the pups down to the beach and had a nice walk. We then walked up the Flirt a cafe and had lunch and just chilled out. It was really nice and the pups enjoyed it. It tired out Scrappy, he fell asleep on my lap the whole bus trip home bless him.

We got home about 4:30 pm. I had some Pepsi and some cereal, then got into bed for 2 hours, just to rest. I don’t think I slept…maybe I was in and out of it.

Just spent the evening sat on the sofa feeling rather crap. But I was chatting to friends so that was nice and helping me to feel a bit better.

Eventually managed to take the pups out for a very quick wee. I went to take my meds…only to discover that Thursday nights meds were still in the med box….So that’s why I didn’t sleep! lol because I didn’t take my meds! I could have SWORN I did though…hmmm. Anyway’s took my meds, did my injection and got into bed with the pups. I watched tv for a little bit. Then fell asleep.

I slept right through last night until 8 am and my hip was killing where I’d woken up in the same position I’d fell asleep in lol, obviously didn’t move an inch all night, so that’s been sore all day today.

I felt better when I woke up, less sick and tired. Had some breakfast and watched some cartoons πŸ™‚ as you do. Snuggled up on the sofa with my babies and fell asleep till gone 1 pm. I definitely needed it πŸ™‚ and the weather is grotty today so didn’t fancy going anywhere.

Tided away bits and bobs and sorted out my paper work. Had a shower and got dressed…that took a while as I didn’t know what to wear lol. Ended up wearing my batman joggy bottoms, something nice and comfortable just to sit about in πŸ™‚

Took the pups across the road to play about for a bit. It was cold and miserable out BOO! I dropped then back and went to the shop and got myself a few nice bits of food πŸ™‚

Chilled out the rest of the day, had a little nap too. Had some dinner and yeah just been chilling out, playing on fb, chatting to friends and that.

Feeling pretty good today, nice and relaxed. I have my nephew tomorrow morning for a bit so that’s cool.

We lose an hour tonight as our clocks go forward. I’m just looking forward to it being lighter later, I love taking the pups out in the evening πŸ™‚

Physically doing ok, just tired still and really achy but that’s nothing new.

I am now a bit worried about completely coming off my meds… as they do help me sleep. As the quetiapine has a sedative effect. Yesterday I went down to 50 mgs so will see how my sleep is on that. But I do want to be off it completely as I shouldn’t really be relying on meds to help me sleep every night! That’s not good… I have my psych Mon so I’ll talk to him about my worries about that.

Β My babies chilling out in Flirt cafe πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman

Low and unmotivated

Eeeeep! So I saw 3 am again this morning. Oh well, I just lack motivation for trying to stick to any kind of routine. I was actually in bed a bit before 3 am but I was playing on my tab for a bit.

For some reason this morning I woke up at 6:30 am…That was until I saw the time and got straight back into bed and went straight back to sleep. Hate when that happens, its so weird almost like your body is woah we gotta get up lets go! Um not sit your ass back down its sleepy time still lol.

Got up at a more reasonable time of about I don’t know maybe half 10 am. I was so cold this morning well I have been all day, haven’t been able to keep warm. I snuggled on the sofa with the pups, chocolate lucky charms and crappy tv πŸ™‚ I did eventually fall back to sleep and I didn’t get up till 1:30 pm ah such a lazy boy. But I was tired and my leg muscles are aching from my injection.

I got my butt into the shower, got dressed and put the pups in the hallway and I went into town. Only for like 10 mins I just wanted to see if there were any ps2 games I wanted but it was busy in there and there wasn’t much that I could see. Went to one other shop and came home….gah just couldn’t be bothered! Like no motivation. Got back in and in the post came the new t-shirt I’d ordered for my foxy girl and I am so pleased that it fits just perfectly.

The pups needed to go out for a run, so I got them ready and went across the road. I love watching them race about its so funny, we were out for about 20mins. I would have stayed longer but I got so cold, I had to come back :/ I can’t wait for the weather to be a bit warmer.

I spent some time on the laptop and tab just playing games. Made myself proper dinner tonight, cheesy mash, peas and fish fingers πŸ™‚ yum. I got steak tomorrow, can’t wait I need a proper meal.

I’ve watched a few films too today Lego Movie, Empire Records and Suckerpunch all amazing films that I’ve not seen for ages.

Posting earlier tonight in the hope I will get to bed earlier so tomorrow I can actually do something other then sleep.

Kinda feel like I am just existing right now, I have little motivation, moods been low-ish, life has thrown some crappy things at me and I am just so exhausted and I’ve felt so ill and in pain. Day to day things are hard, I just want them to ease so I feel like a human again, feel like I am living. But hey I suppose it is what it is right now.

Ah my muscles are aching so much right now. I can’t get comfortable.

Struggling with it all right now 😦

Peace out

Batman

I went out YAY!

After sorting my bed stuff out, taking the pups out and dosing myself up to the eyeballs with medications, pain killers and my injection. I was in bed by midnight, put on a dvd and played on my tab for a bit.

I slept really well last night and I woke up just before 9 am. Had some breakfast and a drink, watched some tv.

Mothership text me saying she wanted to go into town later and if I was up for going into town with her. She had to take the car in for a service and some other bits. I said yes because well it would be nice to see her and actually get out of the flat.

I had time to relax and watch some tv, so was nice to relax and take it easy. Oh I did a load of laundry.

My rash is gone now and so has the wheeze. I’m just left still feeling a bit run down and tired. My skin on my face and ears is so so dry, its all flaky. It looks a bit like eczema now.

Eventually got myself showered and dressed and I took the pups out for a wee and run.

Came back and had some microwave chips for lunch. Hung up my washing to dry and then mothership text me to say she was on her way, pretty good timing. I got myself ready and met her outside mine, we were lazy and parked in town lol, rather then walking from mine.

We had a good walk about town, chatting and stuff. It was actually a pretty nice afternoon. While we were out I asked her if I could have Β£10 as I want to go to my group on Mon and I already owe last sessions fee of Β£2.50. But didn’t tell her it was the trans group and she didn’t ask any questions and she gave me the money I asked for which was awesome! Really pleased as I missed this week’s Thursday LGBTQ mental health group because I was too ill. So I can’t wait to go to both of my groups this week. As we were walking and talking about things, we were talking about my brother and his children and I said that I want all my baby making stuff taken out because I’m not going to have children because I’m too ill and she seemed pretty chill about that as I know in the past she’s sort of pressured me, I know she wants grandchildren from me. But I think as I’ve got older and my condition has become less stable I think she has come to realize that having children for me just isn’t a sensible idea. And that takes a lot of pressure off me and its sort of a step closer for me to tell her about being transgender.

After town, we came back to mine for a few hours and just sat about. My brother, his gf and Jack and Leo came over for a little bit. It was nice to see them all and have cuddles with little Leo, he’s getting so big and Jack loves playing with the dogs emoticon smile

Even though I enjoyed seeing everyone and having gone out etc. It was nice when they had all gone and the flat was nice and quiet again. But I really do appreciate that they came to see me, took me out, treated me etc.

Mum had got me some baby oil to help with my dry skin. I’ve applied some of that all over where I’ve been itching the most, I’ll use it for a couple of days and hopefully it will help. Oh and I booked myself into see my GP on Tues, just like the hospital suggested.

When I was talking to my mothership about the rash and I showed her the pictures of how bad it was, she said I have had it before and that it was because of the GPA (was wegeners granulomatosis) I don’t remember, but then I’ve had so many different symptoms in the last 29 nearly 30 years…I don’t remember them all. I’ve believed from the start it was GPA as it slowly got worse over 5 days and was knocked on the head by a big dose of steroidsΒ straight into my vein. If it was an allergic reaction to something then all the symptoms would have happened within a few hours from the rash to the wheeze…or quicker. I think it was a viral thing. The wheeze has gone, so has the rash, but my ears are still hurting on and off. I got my ear spray still left and I’ll keep using that until I see my GP and see what he thinks.

Gah, this blog has been all over the place this evening, but that’s a reflection of how my brain is right now.

This evening I’ve just been chilling out. Felt so tired after today, its the first day in about 5 days that I’ve gone anywhere for a period of time. My brain wanted to clean the flat as it’s a tip, but had to listen to my body and just sit and relax. So I have, even though the state of the flat as been driving me insane. Scrappy hasn’t helped with the state of the place….he’s been having a lot of fun pulling the fluff out of his toys lol! It looks like a dog toy massacre in here! At least he’s not eating MY stuff!

Tomorrow I am going over to see my step dad emoticon smile he’s been poorly too, he’s been in hospital again. I’m going over with the pups and some dvd’s so we can just hang out. Am really looking forward to that. I’ve not seen him since xmas. But yeah I love my step dad and we are pretty similar, both really easy going, both got pretty severe illness’s, we like the same sort of thing. Plus he’s my dad’s brother and it makes me feel like I’m close to my dad when I’m with him.

I am feeling good mentally and physically emoticon smile My physical health always has a knock on effect on my mental health, but its rare that both things are going well. It’s days like these that I hold on too, because I know my health is bad, but I get good days.

Off to bed after this emoticon smile very much looking forward to a good sleep.

Peace out

Batman