Shining light

It’s been a few weeks since I last wrote anything and I’m feeling less angry and frustrated then I was in my last blog.

I took the decision to up my trazadone again to help me sleep better and hopefully help me feel less depressed and so far I’m sleeping a better most nights and I’m starting to feel a little better too. I don’t feel so hopeless and so lost in the darkness, I still don’t feel great but I can see the shimmer of light at the end of the darkness, I’ve just got to keep reaching out for it.

I’ve been trying to make little changes to my daily life, that will help continue to make me feel a bit better and to prepare myself for the winter months. Each year I struggle with my mood during the winter and every year it really hits me, so I’ve been trying to prepare myself so its not going to be so much of a shock when it rolls around.

I have written up a rough plan of things to do day to day, some of these things are non negotiable, like take my meds in the morning and evening, getting to bed at a reasonable time things like that. But also to get outside for at least 30 mins each day, especially when the clocks change. As some days I like to just chill and I don’t get dressed until 4pm, which during the summer months is fine as I have loads of time still to enjoy the sunshine. But in the winter it gets dark by 4pm, so I’m going to make sure that no mater how I’m feeling I make sure I spend time outside, soak in that vitamin D from the sun. I love being outside in nature so it shouldn’t be too much of a drag. Even something as small as that I know will make a huge difference to how I feel from day to day.

I love my lists and I’ve been spending nearly every day just writing and writing. One list is of self care stuff, things like washing my face masks regularly as that’s a new thing I need to do better, or using my SAD light every day, listening to what my body wants and needs. Just simple things.

This winter is going to be a tough one as we’re heading into another lockdown and firs time around I found it so hard and winter on top of that is going to bring added stress. But I feel much more prepared this time, that’s why I’ve been writing lists down, mainly as a reminder of things I can be doing to make myself feel better and help me get through this next part a bit easier and I know what to expect now so its not going to be so much of a shock to the system.

I think I mainly operate from my inner child, he’s in charge most of the time. Which is fine but at the moment he’s feeling scared, anxious and unsafe and that’s the main reason I’ve been trying to prepare myself for the winter months to ease the anxieties of my inner child and to make him feel safe. Which he is a bit more settled then he was but he’s still highly anxious and just wants everything in place to feel as safe as possible. Which I am currently working on and I’m not far off having everything ready but I’m not quite finished.

Trying to calm my inner child down has been difficult, but I’ve been trying to listen and trying to identify his needs and what he wants, but it’s tricky as he has complex needs from traumatic events in our life. Slowly I will heal us both, through counselling and lots of patience and self care. I’ve been trying to heal myself for the last 20 years but I’ve never even really scratched the surface until now, I think I’m finally ready to heal. I can’t keep bleeding, I can’t keep letting this little boy hurt, he deserves to feel better now. I want my life to be better now, I want things to be different, I want to break the patterns that I’ve been repeating for the last 35 years. I’m ready to be happy.

One of my self care/regular activities is to try and blog on a bit more of a regular basis. I love writing/blogging and my anxiety/procrastination stops me just getting on with it. I think sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed I can’t physically do anything so I don’t and then I feel annoyed because I haven’t done anything. So I am going to try and make more of a conscious effort to push through the anxiety and sit down and write. I always feel so much better for it, I just need to get over myself and do it! With any luck I’ll be here writing again soon and not with weeks or even months in between posts.

Now I’m sleeping much better at night, I’m getting between 7-9 hours a night, which is much better then the 4-6 hours I was getting, my appetite is a bit better as well. I’m not binge eating sugar because I’m tired. Hopefully I’ll loose a bit of weight now, as I’m not eating half as much as I was, I’m actually eating a proper breakfast every morning as well and I’m trying to eat dinner too, whether that be something I cook or a takeaway at least I’m eating meals rather then just shovelling chocolate into my face all day long.

Getting a good nights sleep for me is so important, it improves my mood, my appetite, I can manage my chronic fatigue better. It’s so easy to slip into bad habits when depressed but at the moment I’m really aware of what makes things worse for me and having all these lists of things will definitely help. Getting into a routine of going to bed at a reasonable time and having a slightly more structured day is slow going, it won’t ever be perfect but I’ve got a good start on it.

Well that’s all for now

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 33 on T

Another week on testosterone, its been such a long crazy week but its been s good one.

I’ve struggled to get through money wise, but I’ve been selling stuff. That’s slowed down now and I don’t have much left but I have food so hopefully be ok. This is a whole other issue… I’ll maybe write about it in a separate blog.

Despite having little money I had my haircut today as its been driving me insane. But I feel so much better after my haircut, feeling fresh! When I got home after my haircut, I sorted out my wild eyebrows, I swear testosterone has made them much thicker then before, so am always having to pluck and tame them. As I was looking in the mirror, I was looking at the fluff on my chin and moustache and the hair on my chin was looking really messy. I decided that I was going to have my first shave and so I just went and did it without thinking about it too much. It all went fine, I didn’t even cut myself which is always a bonus. Feels like a big milestone, it feels really good, I feel really good. It makes it all the more real I suppose.

I feel a bit sad that my dad wasn’t there to guide me through or to talk too about all this manly stuff. But I know he’s always with me. I know he’s proud of me and how far I’ve come.

I started this blog this afternoon…its now gone 10 pm and I’m only just getting around to finish it. This day has just flown by and I don’t feel like I’ve had the time to do anything. Or I’ve just got too many things to do and not enough time. Feels a bit overwhelming at the moment, haven’t really had much chance to have some quiet time and just sit.

Also I’m so tired, feeling a bit unemotional and a bit disconnected. I haven’t slept very well the last few nights as I’ve had a lot on my mind and my legs have been really achy at night.

I just need a good nights sleep and my inner child is screaming out to be looked after, he’s tired and cranky. I’ve been neglecting him and myself a little bit.

I realise its not so much ‘trans’ stuff in this blog but being trans and going through this transition is only a small part of my life. There is so much more to my life and me then this transition.

That’s enough from me, I need to start winding down for the night.

 

Week 33 on T.JPG

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

I am still a work in process – update on life.

WOW so it has been a long old few weeks since I last posted and a lot has happened.

First of all I would like to say that I cannot believe I have kept my shit together, despite all the trials and tribulations I have been through recently. If this was to happen to me say 4-5 years ago then I would have lost my shit ages ago and I would have self harmed A LOT! But I have kept as calm as I could and I’ve not self harmed at all, which proves to me that I’ve grown and that I do not fit the BPD diagnosis any longer.

Um so where to start….

So Scrappy had another trip to the vets last week as he was still poorly but not as bad as his first trip to the vets, so he was given something to balance all the good bacteria in his stomach and it worked really well and he was back to his usual self in no time at all. The vet suggested he be muzzled when he’s out to prevent him from eating shit he’s not meant too. My friend took us to get him a muzzle and it will be ok for now but he can get it off but hopefully he’ll get used to it. All my other fur babies are absolutely fine 🙂

Medical stuff – I saw my new ENT doc and he was ok, he has ordered me a CT scan of my sinuses to see where we go from there and antibiotics until we know what the next step is. He also did me a letter for my PIP.

I also saw my GP and he is doing my referral to Dr Edwards in Southampton hospital! woohoo! FINALLY! He also gave me some naproxen for me knees as they keep swelling up and are really painful.

Disability benefits stuff – So I have been working really hard on writing my appeal as the Personal Independent Payment people have refused my mandatory reconsideration, I feel I was penalised because it was in late, which was not in my control as I had a charity helping me and it was their responsibility, I have since had an apology from the charity but I am still planning on making a official complaint about it. But anyway the appeal has been written and amended by someone who knows what the requirements are etc and its absolutely spot on. It’s all slowly coming together and I will be able to post it on Monday.

Sorting this out has had a huge impact on my physical and mental health and my ability to do anything. I’ve missed a lot of my groups and counselling, I’ve been quite isolated and lonely. I’ve struggled just to do day to day tasks because I have been so tired, in so much pain and feeling far too overwhelmed, even taking a shower feels too much. It has certainly taken a massive toll on me and this whole process has been a huge trigger for the deep routed anger that is inside me.

This whole process has brought up a lot of stuff and has bought up a load of thoughts about all the times I’ve been let down by nearly everyone in my life, at every crucial moment in my life. My core memories aren’t all happy, great memories, they are mostly negative with a bit of trauma thrown in. I am feeling a lot of anger and I don’t know how to get rid of it in a normal healthy way, I know I am on the right path because I know I need to do something about this anger in a healthy way and my behaviour hasn’t been destructive at all, which is a vast improvement since I completed DBT. I just need to work out how to process it, where to start, what do I do?! I will meditate on it, look up ways to process deep routed anger and see where we go from here. I think though I need to stop fighting and rest, my fight, flight or freeze is stuck in fight mode just to get me through all this but, I need to stop for a bit, stop fighting and just be, that will be easier said then done, as I have spent a lot of time in fight mode recently just to get through each day!

How do I feel right now? I feel emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted. I need to rest and I will, I need to tend to all my needs and listen to my inner child and what he needs, this reminds me I want to learn more about this and re-parenting my inner child etc.

Just writing this has helped a bit but now I need to eat something and sleep 🙂

But just before I go, here are a few pictures of me and my babies ❤

^^ Marley Moo

^^ Harley playing with her new toys that my lovely friend made 🙂

^^ My beautiful Foxy girl

^^ My photography

^^ Scrappy doodles love swimming in the sea 🙂

^^ Me, I actually quite like this picture of me.

Peace out

Batman

I just don’t know right now

Again not much to say today, feeling ok. Didn’t do much today though as I’m feeling pretty pants, joints are so sore and my sinuses hurt.

Got myself some antibiotics, just chilled at home. There was no group today as M is sick.

Got bad tooth pain :/ from a different one…GAH I think it needs to be looked at.. I hate the dentist.

Feeling a bit lonely too because I’ve not seen anyone this week.

Eating habit has been odd, only eating 3 different foods at the moment. I just don’t want to eat anything, I’m not really hungry. Maybe I am depressed at the moment, don’t want to eat, sleeping lots, only going out when I have too…. but it also could be put down to feeling/being ill. I don’t know I can’t tell the difference any more. I just haven’t got the strength right now. I’m just tired.

Also been sucking my thumb loads recently…yeah I know I’m 30 but I’ve been doing it since I was well in my mom’s stomach. Every time I’m tired in it goes, no matter where I am :/ I don’t what that’s about either, maybe a security thing. I need to stop and be more mindful about it. Wish I could just stop doing it!

I’m just not sure where my head is at the moment, I’m not sure if I feel good, bad or whatever…I just don’t know :/

I spent 30 mins this evening out with the pups and I just went into child mode, looking at everything like a child would, looking closely at the pretty flowers, breaking up sticks, taking pictures, playing with the pups, tried to climb a tree, walked along the wall, jumped off the bench, smelt the flowers, if there weren’t flats around I’d lay on the grass even though it was raining. It felt great, felt so close too nature and my dad, felt like a little boy and I felt so free 🙂 If I feel better tomorrow I might take the pups up to the heath.

Going to get the bed soon, I’m feeling tired, I didn’t nap today. I think I feel good, I feel happy. But I just don’t think I am used to it which is why I’m not letting myself feel it. So maybe that’s why I feel like this, I need to do some work on just accepting that life is good and its ok to feel like this. I don’t know….ah I just don’t know right now.

Some pictures of the flowers

Peace out

Batman