Laid bare

I’ve been mia for a while, I’ve not been posting regularly like I was, for a number of reasons, which I’ll explain as I write this.

I’m feeling pretty vulnerable at the moment, so this is going to be hard and uncomfortable. But it’s something I need to do, I need to get it out and be brave and open myself up.

I’ve been really shut down for the last 8 months, which was around when I spilt up with the person I was dating last year.

I opened myself up and ended up getting hurt, so I did what I always do when I’m hurt, I just shut down, shut everyone out. But I’ve learnt all that does it hurt me more and other people cuz I’m often a absolute dick to people, which I hate but it feels safer then being vulnerable with people.

I’m still good friends with the person I was with last year, which I love but at the moment it’s really hard to not be super needy and just need them and want them to be here and make everything better.. which is ironically where I went wrong in the relationship. I put her on a pedestal and hoped being with her would fix everything and that’s a lot to expect from one person let alone a relationship. That’s not how they work and that’s where I seem to always go wrong. My feelings always just get too intense and I get too much, I expect too much and actually this time I crossed major privacy boundaries and went through her phone, which I regret and still feel so guilty about. I behaved like a jealous child. But it was like an impulse I just couldn’t control. I still give myself a hard time about it, I’ve not forgiven myself yet.

Ultimately the breakup was mutual although she initiated it. It wasn’t meant to work out.

I need to be with someone who’s not embarrassed to be with me, who won’t hide the fact their with me, I deserve that much I know.

From there my mental health has just spiralled down. I think I’ve disconnected with anything mental health related because I didn’t want to have it anymore, I just wanted to be fixed and move on and just have a good life, like everybody else. But I realise I’ll never be like everyone else, maybe I was always meant to stand out and be different which I hate because I’ve tried so hard my whole life to fit in but I never have. Maybe this is it, maybe I’ll always have to work harder then everyone else just to be where I want to be.

Everyone shines, they know who they are, where they’re going in life. I still at 34 have no idea who I am, what I want. I don’t try because I’m so scared to fail but I’m also scared to succeed. I hate being centre of attention. I have no self esteem anymore, I don’t think I ever did. The last few months I’ve just been listening to the negative words running through my head every second of every day, mentally bashing myself. I’m so horrible to myself but I can’t stop.

I doubt this will make much sense because I’m really struggling to organise my brain and thoughts, everything is just all over the place. My brain is just all jumbled up at the moment and it takes so much energy to just get myself organised enough to get out of the flat.

I’ve been trying really hard to fake it till I make it, but I really can’t do it anymore, it’s too hard and it’s not working. I got myself a voluntary job, I started a social group etc I thought it would help and for the most part when I’m out doing stuff it helps, but as soon as I’m on my own again it’s like a switch gets flicked off and my brain is just done.

I’ve really been struggling with depression, anxiety, insomnia, disassociation, gender dysphoria and it’s all just overwhelming and too much for me to deal with alone anymore. So I made an appointment with my GP, I’m going to ask him to refer me back to the community mental health team, I need meds upped and probably need some therapy or something. But this time I need to be super honest and not hold everything in like I can just handle it all, because well no one can do that, not forever anyway.

I think recently I’ve felt worse, for a few reasons, I’m just emotionally exhausted from trying to hold everything together on my own, I’ve stopped doing things that I know help, I’ve been spending too much time on social media, wishing my life was different, knowing full well social media creates a fake reality, it still effects me. I’ve just had zero motivation to do anything, I have to push myself from the moment I get up, some days I can do stuff other days I fail and the furthest I get is from my bed to the sofa and back, with 2 15 mins walks for my dogs.

I don’t feel anything either, just numb all the time.

Everyday I wake up and pretend everything is ok and just fake my way through what I have to do. But inside all I want to do is just be at home where I feel safe. I’m a pretty good actor, some days in front of certain friends I can’t hide it and the darkness seeps out but to most people they see me smiling and happy and it couldn’t be more opposite.

It’s getting harder to just pretend, it’s getting harder to keep it together, it’s getting harder to keep everything inside.

I feel so small, so worthless and that’s another reason I’ve not sought help sooner is because I am trans and have physical health issues, I feel like I don’t deserve help because I already have so many issues. I’m just a drain on society so why waste more money on me.

I know it’s completely self loathing and probably comes across like I’m playing the victim or something (something I’ve recently been told I was doing and tbh hands up I probably was because I was angry and I couldn’t be the rational adult I know I can be) but it’s genuinely how I feel like a lot, all this negative mass of self loathing words swirling around my head daily, I try and say nice things to myself but I just don’t connect with them so I just can’t believe them.

I need help, I need support, whether that be meds’ and therapy or whatever but I’ve finally come to terms with the fact I just can’t do this on my own anymore. My GP is ringing me tomorrow and hopefully I can say everything I need too and maybe get referred back to the community mental health team.

I don’t want to feel like this forever, I want to feel better and I want to feel better about myself and stop destroying myself. I want to try and fail and try again until I succeed at something.

I want help with dealing with disassociation, I’ve just been doing things myself on a trial and error basis to help my dissociative moments. I don’t know if it’s the right thing or not and what I try and do to help myself doesn’t always work. I want to feel more connected with myself, at the moment myself, my brain and body just seems to be fragments floating around bumping into each other but never connecting. It’s really weird, I want to feel like a whole person.

I’m just so emotionally exhausted, I just want some relief. I feel like I’m wading through mud with no end in sight, I’ve ran out of ideas and steam, I can’t help myself anymore on my own. I wake up just as exhausted as when I went to sleep.

So yeah this is me laid bare, heart on the table.

Peace out

Zak

Living with a chronic illness

I’ve not written much about my health lately, mainly because I’ve been super busy with like a trillion appointments!

It feels great having such a great team of doctors around me but that comes with a lot of appointments. The team of doctors and nurses looking after my care are incredible and I am so grateful for them. I love the NHS!

My Rheumatologist over sees everything, but he is just one Doc apart of my team, I also have a Ears nose and throat doc, physiotherapist, and podiatrist. I also have to go to the hospital for a blood test every 8 weeks. I have two other appointments for my medical transition, I see a nurse every 3 weeks for my testosterone shot and also the gender clinic.

Since January I’ve had a total of 9 doctors and hospital appointments and I have another 7 coming up in the next 6 weeks!

Appointments mean a lot of early mornings and a lot of bus rides and days of recovery from these appointments.

My treatment is going well but like the appointments its takes up time as well. I take medication in the morning and in the evening, which have two pill boxes that I have to fill up every Monday, I do a sinus rinse twice a day, morning and evening but sometimes in the afternoon if my sinuses are playing up and physio exercises.

The treatment itself seems simple but if you add in the human element of chronic pain, chronic fatigue, getting ill, depression, dysphoria, disassociation, insomnia, memory issues and no motivation, then its not so simple.

Some days its so hard to get myself up an organised and get everything done before even leaving the house, that I often can’t get out until 2-3pm. Some days its such a struggle, some days are a bit easier but everyday is hard work.

Mental health has a huge impact on physical health and visa versa, which complicates matters. Even after all these years of dealing with these things it only feels like recently things are more under control and I am being properly cared for, but its still not easy and I’m still learning about myself and learning different ways to deal with whatever is thrown at me.

I don’t think living with a chronic illness will ever be easy and I don’t think its something I’ll every truly accept and its something I’ll never stop learning to deal with. But all I can say is that I am trying my hardest to maintain good physical and mental health, which in itself is a full time job.

Overall things are on the right path, at the moment its about maintaining good physical health with medications, physio, insoles in my shoes, sinus rinses and hospital appointments.

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – 1 year on testosterone

I cannot believe that today I am 1 whole year on testosterone, its absolutely crazy!

I don’t really know what to write right now, but I felt like I needed to do a quick update.

So what’s changed? well I’m much hairier then I was lol, voice has changed a little bit, I sound more like my brother lol and my shoulders have look a bit different to me.  My chest has kinda deflated a bit, which is good and well there are some more intimate changes but I don’t feel comfortable at the moment talking/writing about that.

I’m really tired at the moment as I’ve been up since 6:30am and I’ve not slept well at all, so this blog post isn’t as good as I want it to be, as I’m not quite feeling connected with myself as I’m so tired.

I’m gonna try and write again soon.

1 year on T

^ Can’t believe I am 1 year on testosterone!

1yr on T comparrison

^ Comparison picture, pre T and 1 year on T

^ 1 year on T video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 29 on T

This week I have some big news! But before I talk about that I’ll talk about other stuff that’s transition related.

This morning I had a blood test to check my testosterone levels, this is the trough which means that my testosterone levels will be at their lowest. I then had my testosterone injection done, which went well. Next Tuesday I have another blood test which will be the peak of my testosterone levels and from that they can work out if my levels are too low or high enough. I’m still not convinced that my levels will be high enough but I’ll find out next week.

Again no massive physical changes going on, other then my hair on my face, chest and stomach is getting darker which is really cool. I’ve still not had the confidence to start shaving yet but I’m in no rush. Voice is definitely starting to change, it sounds more noticeable to me now, so that’s pretty cool and others are starting to notice it too.

The gender dysphoria hasn’t been too bad over the last few days, that’s mainly because my mood has lifted a bit, which makes everything a lot easier to deal with. I feel like I’ve got a bit more positive energy going on. I felt a real energy shift on Saturday and I’ve been feeling really calm and peaceful, it feels so nice.

I’m ill yet again at the moment, I have a chest infection so I have more antibiotics and a higher dose of steroids. Hopefully it will kick it soon, I’ve had a high temperature, I ache so much and my chest has been really sore. I’m anticipating a bit of insomnia though being on 35mgs of steroids, hopefully it wont be too bad.

So the big news! which I have left till last on purpose. 9 years ago before I even realised I was trans, I changed my name to Dyllan. I wanted to change my name as I’d always hated my birth name, it never felt right, it never felt like it was me at all. I always felt disconnected from my birth name. I purposely picked Dyllan as its the unisex was of spelling it and I was so sure I wanted a unisex name, but I couldn’t tell you why I wanted a unisex name, I just did. Now it all makes sense as to the why I did what I did.

Recently I have been thinking a lot about my name and how I want to change it to a masculine name, rather then have a unisex name. Since starting testosterone and having physical changes to my body, I’ve been wanting to move away from everything associated with pre-transition. So I have decided to change my name to Zak, its a name that I’ve always loved and it was the name I really thought about a lot when I changed my name to Dyllan. My middle nephew Leo’s middle name is Zack, so it’s cool we’ll have that little connection.

I told my bro and sister in law the other day and they’re both happy about it. My bro said oh well least I can spell that! lol!!! and I’ve told all my friends and had a good response from everyone which is really awesome. I ordered my deed poll yesterday morning, I’m super excited and it shouldn’t take too long to sort out.

The only people I’ve not told yet is my mum and grandparents… But mother is never happy with anything I do in my life, so I know she won’t be happy. I’m not sure how my grandparents will react. But I’m already anticipating a negative response but in all honesty their opinion really means nothing to me. We have no emotional connection, yes we are family but they’re like strangers to me.

Anyway I’m super happy with my new name, it feels so good and feels really right. It feels like the natural progression of my transition, the next step. I feel really content and peaceful and I’ve not felt like that in a few weeks, so its a nice relief.

That’s all for now 🙂

Week 29 on T

^ This weeks picture

Week 29 on T comparison pic

^ Can’t believe how different I look! so awesome

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 21 on T

I’m writing this a day late this week, as yesterday I was having a bit of a hissy fit. So I ended up just sleeping and binge watching stuff on Netflix all day. I totally needed it and felt much better for it, the two previous nights I’d not slept well at all and I think it all finally caught up with me.

The reason I was having a bit of a moment was because at the weekend I had fraud on my card…again! For the 3rd time in about 3 years, its such an inconvenience being without a card. Also for some reason I had it in my head that I was getting paid this week… But I didn’t because I wasn’t due to get paid until next week URGH! I don’t know what happened, or how it happened but I totally mismanaged my money and was left with £8 for a week. I was totally kicking myself and I was so fucking angry with myself, I could not believe I fucked up so baldy. Some of my lovely friends though offered me money which was so sweet of them, but after much agonising I rang my grandparents and asked them for some money, which felt horrible! I hate asking for help and money especially from family. But thankfully they gave me £80, unfortunately £60 of that went straight into the bank for bills… and I’ve already spent the rest on food. But luckily I’m still owed a bit of money from a friend and my mum, so I won’t be totally skint.

So to say I was stressed was an understatement, I just couldn’t get over how I fucked up so bad. I ended up just sleeping on and off all day long, but I totally needed and I feel loads better today.

Anyway back to the transition stuff, I have noticed that the hair on my thighs have finally started growing and looking darker which is cool, the rest of my legs look like a forest and my armpits too, I’m so chuffed.

Yesterday I had my peak blood test for my testosterone levels and I should get my results tomorrow, which will tell me how often I will need to do my injections.

For a few days after my injection last week my appetite increased but that’s settled down now thankfully and from Fri-Mon my mood and energy was way up which felt good! Feeling a bit more settled and chill today and a bit more grounded.

Week 21 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

That’s all for this week,

Peace out

Dyllan

Transition update – Week 7 on T

Well its a week before my 3rd testosterone injection, I can’t believe its come around so quickly, I’ve barely caught up with myself yet. The next injection I will be doing solo, so pretty nervous but excited for next week.

Anyway back to this week, so I’ve just about got over the chest infection I had, although last night I didn’t have much sleep. I was up most of the night in so much pain, to the point I had to get up and take some pain killers. I’ve not had to do that for a long long time, despite that though I’m feeling pretty good within myself.

Because of the painsomnia last night it took a while to get going this morning, but I knew I couldn’t just stay in all day again. I needed to get out and wanted to get out and do something to make myself feel good. So I took the dogs to the beach for an hour and I took some great videos pictures. It felt good to just be out there in the cold sea air, on my own, barely anyone around. It felt nice to just be away from everything and just be in the moment with the dogs, doing what I love at a place that I love.

After the beach I had my flu shot done, because I’m as well as I’m ever going to get, my arm is still achy now. Did a bit of food shopping and paid some rent, got some electric. That also felt good to get stuff done that needed to be done, self care isn’t always buying yourself something, self care is also paying rent, getting food shopping etc.

After all that jazz, I felt pretty good and felt confident so I went on a mass cull on all my social media’s, which took a while to do but, wow did it feel so good. I’ve decided that in order to move on I need to cut things/people/groups out of my life especially if I am no longer benefiting from. That may sound a tad selfish but I need to look after myself and my needs in order for me to be of better service to others. Its good to get rid of dead weight every now and again and it feels really good. I’ll be doing the same thing with my possessions, as I have a habit of holding onto things that are no longer useful. I think as humans we desperately cling to anything and anyone in order to feel safe, but often that means you are stuck at that point and don’t move forward. So I feel this is a necessary step for me to take in order to move my life forward into the next phase.

I would say my mood is pretty good, I feel happy in myself, I feel peaceful, settled and just good. I know I am walking and living my truth and it feels awesome.

I’ve noticed that the hairs on the trunk of my body are getting darker, so from my chest down to the pubes, that’s the only new changes. Been finding more dark hairs on my chin, my upper and lower lip, under my nose. So that’s all really cool and most days I feel like I’ve got a bit of a sore throat, which means my voice is trying to break still. But its all good, still closely examining my face several times a day lol, popping spots, checking for new hairs on my face. Happy with the medical transition so far and just excited for the future.

That’s it really this week, feeling good, continuing to move myself and my life forward.

Here’s this weeks picture

Week 7 on T

Peace out

Batman

Update – A bit of everything

I’ve been on and off the laptop all day doing one thing or another and I’m still on here just messing around, googling random things, as ya do and looking up stuff.

It’s been a pretty good start to the week, I had all intentions of getting up at a reasonable time but it didn’t end up that way. I woke up about 7 am and my hips and legs were so painful, painful enough to wake me up. I managed to lay in bed until I was rudely woken up by the workmen, although our intercom and the lock on the front door to the communal door is now fixed.

I got up and had some breakfast with the intention of getting the housework done afterwards but my hips and legs were hurting so much it just zaps my energy so much. So I feel asleep on the sofa all snuggled up with the dogs. After that it still took me a while to get myself off the sofa, I did eventually get the housework done and all the other bits I do on a Monday, like doing my med box up for the week.

As I said I’ve spent most of the day on and off the laptop doing one thing or another but I’ve needed this time to just rest and take care of myself and my body definitely needed a rest.

I’m so excited for tomorrow, I’m getting my second testosterone injection in the afternoon. I can’t wait to see the changes from this injection over the next 4 weeks. This is literally the best decision I have ever made, whilst everything else may not be where I want it to be, this is the only thing in my life that is just perfect, its exactly where I want to be, exactly who I want to be.

My mood has been pretty settled, I’ve just been feeling good and that’s a feeling I’m starting to get used too. I’ve not noticed any drastic changes in my mood which is good, as myself and the endocrinologist were concerned that it could cause me to have a manic episode. In the past when I’ve had a steroid injection for my physical health issues, I’ve had trouble with insomnia and a manic episode after the injection and as the testosterone is steroid based that’s why I was concerned. But luckily so far I’ve had not had a issue, I have had a few nights where its taken me ages to get to sleep but I wouldn’t class that as insomnia. I am hopeful it stays this way, insomnia and manic episodes aren’t fun and I don’t really want to up the Quetiapine as I don’t want to ruin my weight loss.

Talking of weight loss, I’ve got 8 1/2 pounds to go until target.  I hope I can reach this before Christmas, I’m going to give it my best. I really want to succeed at this, I know I can do it. When I started it was super easy, as the months have gone its gotten a bit harder and I’ve gone off track a tad over the last few weeks. But I am determined to get to target.

Anyway I shall update with a transition post tomorrow after my T injection! woohoo!

Peace out

Batman

Can’t sleep, chronic pain sucks!

Its nearly 5 am and I’ve been awake since 3:30 am, I am in so much pain with my left hip and ankle. I’ve taken pain killers and its made no difference and there’s not much else I can do to make it go away. My hip has been so painful this week, I have no idea why but its been constant.

I can’t get comfortable to enough to sleep any longer so I thought I would do something productive and write.

Chronic pain sucks so much and its so hard to deal with. I’ve been trying to just breathe through the pain, I’ve tired mindfulness but nothing is working. My hip feels so uncomfortable no matter what position I am in, no matter what I’m doing.

I’ve had painful hips ever since I can remember, it was one of my first symptoms of GPA (granulomatotisis with polyangiitis) and it doesn’t get easier to deal with, especially when it disrupts my sleep.

Even sat writing this is painful and I can’t get comfortable. I wish people understood just exactly what living with chronic pain is really like and how much is disrupts your life and how much it effects everything. I find I am far more grumpy and less intolerant when I am in pain.

This is for all those that are up all night with chronic pain, huge hugs to all of you and I hope you find some relief. Keep strong, I know how much this sucks right now

Peace out

Batman

Catching up again – Staying afloat

Once again its been about a month since I’ve written anything, it feels much longer though. I am going to try and write more regularly this month and hopefully I’ll get back into the swing of it again. I really enjoy writing and I’ve missed it but I haven’t had much to blog about really as nothing much has changed, I’m kinda just stuck right now, nothing has really changed, nothing has moved forward, I’m just still waiting and its all out of my hands, there’s nothing I can do. Its frustrating but it is what it is I suppose.

I’ll get the B word out of the way… Benefits, PIP. I am still waiting for a court date and it should be around September when I get an appointment through. So that’s that… this has been going on since, September 2015! I am absolutely disgusted by this entire process and to know I am not the only one going through this makes it worse, because I know I am strong enough to deal with whatever life throws at me, but there are those that aren’t as strong and have killed themselves as a result of being deemed fit to work. My heart hurts for those people… I’ll end it there or I will just keep writing.

So gender clinic and gender stuff – I wrote Charing Cross a letter with my new NHS number and I asked if I was going to be seen soon. I’ve not heard anything back yet..that doesn’t overly surprise me. My referral was done last July and the then waiting list was 13months so I will hopefully get an appointment next month! Fingers, toes and tits crossed everyone!

I have totally given up on binding, I simply can’t do it. I’ve tried 2 different brands of binders and a high intensity sports bra, they all worked great but I can’t deal with how they feel, the tightness, the material, the fact they make me hot and they hurt. It’s all just too much and I can’t deal with it, it makes me feel weird just writing about it. It fucking sucks! It makes me feel like shit, just a daily reminder that I’m not even close to being who I feel on the inside. While I am out and on the phone, I get misgendered and it feels like being stabbed in the heart, it makes me not want to go out and do things, it makes so fucking self conscious. I already have anxiety about talking on the phone but this makes it even fucking worse. I feel safe at home and I’ve noticed this year I haven’t done half of the things I did by this time last year. Most of this is down to my physical health being awful but even on the days I feel well, I just don’t want to go out and face the world because the world doesn’t see me the way I feel inside and its hard. So I have been hiding away more then I usually do and if I do go out, its with people I feel safe with and to places I feel safe to go. I get more excited at the prospect of staying in and doing my own thing then going out and doing stuff… But it is a fine balance of staying at home feeling safe and completely isolating myself, which is difficult. I think staying in and feeling safe is the most important thing for my mental health at the moment, I need to keep myself safe.

Physical health stuff – I saw my Thoracic medicine doc last month and he’s happy with my breathing test results, as they have remained unchanged for a long time, so he’s discharged me. But I can be referred back if I need to be. I am happy with this, its one less appointment to go too. He looked at my CT scan of my sinuses and my left side is so inflamed and the inflammation is just less then a inch from behind my eye, which explains why I get a lot of headaches and why that side of my head always hurts so much. I see my ENT doc this month, so I will be able to discuss more with him about my awful sinus pain etc and hopefully we’ll be able to come up with something that will be able to help it. I don’t even know what the options would be to make this better, right now I’d say yes to whatever he suggests.

The Gabapentin is going well, I have put on 10lbs which really bothered me at first but I don’t care anymore. I have gone past the stage of feeling the need to eat all the time, so my appetite has returned to being somewhat normal again. I am sure the weight will fall back off again. Coming off the Tramadol is going well, I am now down to 5 tablets a day down from 8 a day. It’s been really hard, as it caused insomnia the start with and it made me clench my jaw so hard it gave me migraines. That’s all starting to get better now, the insomnia is a lot better. I’m not waking up several times a night and I am actually sleeping right through, I am loving being able to sleep all night again. The jaw thing is ok now most days but if I don’t take my Tramadol right on time, then I really start clenching my jaw and it hurts so bad but its out of my control, I try and stop doing it when I notice it happening but it doesn’t work. Overall I am pretty happy with how this med change has gone so far and I am hoping that the Gabapentin continues to work well on its own.

The practice manager at my doctors surgery is still on the case to get hold of my notes, from the mythical place they go to when you change your gender lol. I hope this is sorted soon.

My knee has been alright since the steroid injection and I think the Gabapentin has helped as well. My over all pain levels have been far more manageable on the Gabapentin, well as long as I’m not doing a lot.. As soon as I do “normal” daily life stuff and social stuff, I ache a lot and the fatigue kicks in.

So that’s me really, still feel like an anxious, emotional wreck. I don’t know how I keep going but I do, somehow. I just keep trying to find the little bits of positivity in every day and every situation I come across.

I’ll wrap this up now,

I’ll try post again soon.

Peace out

Batman

Forever waiting – Massive catch up

Again it’s been just over a month since I last wrote anything about my exciting life lol, I’ve been struggling to write at the moment because my life is in a bit of a limbo and the benefits saga seems to be over shadowing everything else and the other stuff seems to be a lot of inconvenient bullshit, that occurs on a regular basis it seems at the moment. But like I said the benefits saga is the main concern and looks like it will be that way for another 3 months.

Whilst I am on the subject of benefits I may as well do a proper update of this ridiculous situation. So in my last post I said that the courts had gotten the appeal with all the information I sent and they were waiting to hear from the Department of Work and Pensions. It’s now 5 weeks later and I rang the courts up last week to see what was going on and they said it can take up to 12-17 weeks for a court date and I am on week 5, so I’ve possibly got to wait another 12 weeks or 3 months which makes it sound longer, just for a court date. September should be when I get a date but fuck knows when the date will be for, probably for 3 months after that, by September it will be 7 months since my money stopped but it all started back last September, when I got the form to fill out, December I had my face to face assessment, January they said no, February I did the mandatory reconsideration, last month I appealed that… and here I am yet again waiting. If I get a court date by September then it will be a year since this whole thing started and to be honest I’m surprised I’ve got through without self harming because it has been incredibly stressful, soul destroying and just utterly horrific. Having to do the appeals and write down all the things I cannot do or that I struggle to do, it has totally destroyed any confidence or self esteem I had about myself and has knocked me to the floor and I’ve been struggling to pick myself back up again. When I read the statistics about the people who have killed themselves because they’ve been deemed fit to work and are no longer entitled to disability benefits, I totally fucking understand why! I totally get it! I have felt so close to the edge and I’ve wanted to end it all several fucking times because I felt like I could just not do this any more. It does make you question the fact of well am I fit to work? Am I really this ill? Is it all just in my head? Even though the rational part of you knows you are ill and you are entitled to the benefits. It’s horrible questioning you’re entire life, whilst having to prove it to others who simply have no fucking clue. Right now this isn’t living it’s existing and everyone is entitled to a decent quality of life. I’m lucky that I have a few good friends who’ve helped me out with money, emotional support, love and just everything a great friendship is made of and I’m lucky to live in such a beautiful place, where I can sit by the water with my dogs just a stones throw from my house.

That nicely brings me onto the rest of my life and what I’ve been up too. I don’t feel like I’ve done a lot really and that’s mainly because everything I do something I have to then spend time recovering from it, which is frustrating to say the least because someone of my age shouldn’t have to rest and recover from activities that most people do without thinking. I’ve spent a lot of time with L and the boys either being here at mine or being at their place and as always its a good laugh but so exhausting, I honestly don’t know how she does it with all her problems too, big respect to her. L dyed my Mohawk blue 😀 and yeah it looks so awesome! I’ve also been regularly going to my groups and counselling, which at times has been hard because I have been so unmotivated and just so low but I’ve pushed myself through it all. Like I previously said I live a stones throw away from the sea and its such a beautiful place, when the weather is nice I could just stay out there forever. I’ve just been trying to maintain some sort of normality, which includes the odd treat for myself and the animals, its been the very rare occasion but I think we all to often forget the power of treating/pampering yourself has, whether it be ice cream, a facial, a holiday or a Lego set. Treating yourself isn’t something you should be ashamed of or guilty about, because lets face it no matter what walk of life you are from, life gets fucking hard and whoever you are, you should have enough self respect to say YES I deserve this. Yes I am on benefits but does it mean I am less worthy to treat myself then someone who works hard for their money? No! that’s what the media wants you to think with all there shit fucking shows about a small minority of people on benefits and they do not at all represent people like me, who have a well documented and real health condition that effects my daily life because they don’t want you to know about genuine people like myself, they have their own agenda and they just demonise everyone on benefits, which if you haven’t already guessed really grinds my fucking gears. Anyway that was off on a bit of a rant lol so back to what I was talking about, so yes I have continued to treat myself, obviously not as much as I did before as I’ve just not had the money but it has been an important part of keeping me going and keeping me sane. I’ve also taken a lot of time over the past month to just be by myself and not talking to anyone and that’s also been a vital part of getting through all this. Overall the last month has been good but the really low darkness is always there in the background, I’m just working really hard not to let it overpower me on a daily basis and I don’t think people appreciate just how hard it is, to battle with your own mind every second of every day, its exhausting. I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve been really low and struggling and I still feel low and I am still struggling and in all honestly without my lovely friends, my groups and counselling I probably wouldn’t be here right now. Besides I do not want to die as the person that isn’t my true self, I need to go through my journey to be the real me.

Moving on to my physical health, which as usual has been a bundle of fun…NOT! Where to start… I suppose I’ll start with my transition stuff as that is fairly straight forward because I am still waiting for my first appointment. But I am going to send them a letter with my new NHS number and ask if they know roughly when I should be hearing about my first appointment. To be honest right now I’m happy to be waiting for this for a few reasons, even though I’m desperate to get on my journey, I have other things in my life that need to be sorted before hand, ie money and meds, so its not really high on my list even though I want it so bad. Sometimes wants and needs differ and needs are more important. Last time I wrote about my knee and trying anti-inflammatory’s, I tried two and neither helped so two weeks ago today I had a steroid injection right into the joint and it has helped to a degree but it still keeps swelling up and hurting, it’s not as bad but still its not great. Also two weeks ago I started Gabapentin which is a anti-epileptic which is also used as pain relief. It seems to be working well along side my Tramadol but I am slowly lowering the Tramadol as my body is addicted to it and I want to see how well the Gabapentin works by itself. The other reason I want to come off the Tramadol is because I will need strong opiate based drugs after the surgeries I have throughout my transition. So I need to detox off it and hopefully when I need it in the future it will be more effective then it is right now. Oh my appetite is great since starting the Gabapentin, it has the same weight gaining effect as Quetiapine and I’ve put on 5lbs in two weeks. It does seem to be slowing down now and I’m not nearly as hungry as last week, I just couldn’t stop eating lol! I am being mindful of what and how much I am eating but it is hard. But to be honest I’m just glad I’m eating and its not a stressful thing. I’ve spoken to my GP about what’s happening with my referral to Southampton hospital and it’s basically down to my gender change…DO’H! So because I’ve changed my gender and title I effectively have become a whole new person, which is true but what happens is that all your medical history is deleted from the doctors system and your are put back on as a new patient, so what they are currently trying to do is get hold of the hard copy of my medical records in order to send to Southampton as they need to know everything before they see me. I certainly don’t remember everything that’s happened to me medically in the last 31 years because well its been loads lol. But yeah I’ve been assured that the practice manager is on it, I feel better now I know what’s happening but it is another thing that I am in limbo with. I swear I spend most of my time waiting for shit to get sorted out lol! Other then that not much has changed, still struggling with fatigue and not sleeping well but it is what it is, I wake up a few times a night sometimes and I just get up have a drink or a wee and sometimes I go straight back to sleep but sometimes I have to get up for a hour or so. I’m not stressing about this because my insomnia or painsomnia issues have been going on for so long now and I’ve tried everything to help me sleep through the night but its clearly not meant to be. I’m on long term Doxycycline at the moment so I’ve not caught any colds, although I have a bit of a chesty cough at the moment but that’s probably down to my sinus gunk dripping down to my chest, which ironically the Doxycycline is meant to help with…I feel its not working lol, my ENT app isn’t until next month so not much I can do or my GP can do right now.

Wow that’s a lot of stuff about me aha! I shall end on a update of my 4 four babies, who are all just in perfect health and are all amazing and are all helping me get through the darkest times and I am totally in love with them ❤

Ooh also here’s a few pics of us all

IMG_1750

^^ yeah boi I am 😀 haha

IMG_2260

IMG_2691IMG_2523

^^ Me and Harvey on his 9th Birthday last week ❤

IMG_2470

^^ Me and my boo boo ❤

IMG_2545

^^ Harley doing a bit of yoga lol

IMG_2529

^^Marley moo

IMG_2643

^^ Mr Scrappy doodle

IMG_2703

^^ My beautiful Foxy girl

IMG_2685

^^ I love this place

Right that’s all from this boi, its taken me hours to write this, its very therapeutic though and I do feel calm and grounded.

Peace out Batman