A day in the life of a trans guy

Does anyone else just smash the keys until they can think of how to start a blog post?! No.. just me then lol! My brain feel slugish today but still full of things swirling around and around a million miles an hour.

I am due my testosterone shot on the 17th March and holy shit do I know it! A week or two before my shot I turn into such a gremlin! My mood takes a complete nose dive, my anxiety gets sky high and I feel so irritable, like I could hulk out at any moment at the slightest inconvenience. I get so easily angry, when normally I can keep myself together without completely loosing my mind!

I am getting my bloods taken before my shot as I’ve been on Nebido for a year now and for some reason not had the right bloods taken that then endocrinologist needs to see if my levels are right or not. If they’re not then I’ll need my shot more regular then every 12 weeks. I’m hoping they are ok but I’m not sure I should be feeling so shitty and intense before I’m due my shot, so maybe they aren’t quite right. But we’ll see next week to see if the levels are right or not.

My skin also is so bad right now, but tbh its been so bad since my last shot so I’m not sure its related to being due my testosterone. But yeah that’s frustrating me mainly because the spots are pretty sore and seem to just be multiplying. I haven’t had the greatest of diets at the moment, so I know that hasn’t been helping either but really on the list of things it isn’t really high up of priority.

When my mood is this low all I want to do is eat junk and hibernate and that’s pretty much what I’m doing. But it is difficult to distinguish between what is my ‘regular depression’ and what is a mood change because my testosterone levels are low because my shot is due. And if I am being super honest I can’t really remember the last time I felt properly happy and that really sucks to even say but its true. I mean I’ve had small intervals of feeling happy but they’ve been small moments that haven’t really dragged me far out from the darkness.

A lot of this is due to lockdown and being forced to just be in, enforced isolation for such a long period. I’m just totally over it now. It just feels so dark and heavy and seems never ending, like I’m in a tunnel that I can’t run fast enough to find the light again. It’s all just such a big mess of big emotions and I’m just so exhausted with dealing with it all, although some days I just completely shut off, shut down just to recharge a little and have a much needed break from reality.

I am anxious about lockdown lifting as I feel we’ll be back at square one again. Plus my anxiety is just so bad, I’ve never had anxiety about leaving the house and I know that is one thing that is going to be super difficult so get over. Although part of me can’t fucking wait to get out and about again, so I’m not sure how its going to be, just have to wait and see. So much is still so unknown at this point, I don’t know just feels like an eternal nightmare.

So yeah that’s me right now, feeling pretty fragile I suppose. I’m just over it all.

Peace out

Zak

Grumpy boy

The last couple of weeks have been a bit of a struggle, I’ve been feeling so agitated, grumpy, achy and exhausted. A lot of it has to do with having stopped taking trazadone, which is slowly working its way out of my system.

I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed by everything as well. I’ve taken a bit of a step back from life, by not answering messages straight away, as it feels too much and I just need that time and space and also taken a step back from people, some days the thought of having other people near me, especially a lot of people almost feels like a physical pain, which is really hard to explain Even just going to the shops to get food is difficult and I put it off until I really have to go. I also feel like I need a protective bubble around myself as I’m always nervous about people being near me, touching me etc, especially random people I don’t know.

Being just on my own is so much easier, as I don’t have to explain myself, or feel like I have to perform, or be happy or whatever. I can just be grumpy and irritable, without upsetting anyone by accident.

Its just much less pressure and feels freeing. 1:1 with someone isn’t as daunting, I think my social anxiety has really been kicking in due to coming off my meds. But I’m sure with a little time and patience I’ll be alright again. Just need to give myself some space to breathe.

I get so frustrated with myself for feeling grumpy and irritable and I know its usually because I’m trying to stop myself from feeling low, as if I let myself feel low, its a hard work to make myself feel better again. So I fight against just allowing myself to feel how I feel, which just makes the whole process longer, then if I just let myself feel sad in the first place!

I’ve also come to realise that I’m an introvert, I also used the think I was a bit of an extrovert. But I don’t think I am at all. I’m still really quite shy, which has something that has never really changed since I was small. I need my own space to be and recover from social interactions, I prefer my own company, being around lots of people is exhausting.

I think because I am quite good at coming across who is someone who is fairly confident but I’ve spent my life being my own advocate to get what I need from services, mainly hospitals/doctors etc.

But yeah I’m a pretty shy, anxiety filled human lol.

Hopefully in the next few weeks when the trazadone has come out of my system fully, I’ll start to feel a bit better again.

I got a SAD lamp, which I’ve been using most days. Haven’t noticed a difference just yet, but I’ll keep with it and maybe use it in the morning rather then the evening.

Peace out

Zak

Chill day

I am feeling nice and relaxed and for once not in absolute agony!

I’ve had a really nice day to myself, which I so needed. Can’t remember when the last time I had the whole day to myself was.

Took some time to catch up on sleep, which was so needed and I actually feel like I’ve slept as well.

Chilled out playing with the pups, watching tv. Went to the shop and got a few bits. Took the pups for a wee.

I bought myself some deep heat to help loosen up the muscles in my arm, because the muscles are really tight and I really need to get my arm moving more. I used it on my hips, lower back and legs because my muscles are really tight due to my metoject injection. OMG I am in LOVE with the deep heat, like totally and utterly! My arm feels a bit better and my legs feel sooooo much better too! Much less tight and painful for the first time in months and I really love the feeling of the cream too, I can see myself becoming obsessed with it lol.

Just been relaxing all afternoon watching Friends, putting Lego together and just chilling. Made myself spaghetti bolognese for dinner, which was a bit tricky to cook with my bad arm but I managed ok.

After dinner I had a shower and covered myself in deep heat, which felt so so good and I took the pups out for a walk, as they needed to get out for a bit, as did I.

Just been relaxing this evening, I am feeling so much better then I have been. Much less irritable and agitated and more calm.

No plans for from tomorrow, so may just relax again.

That’s it for now really,

Peace out

Batman

Writing helps me make sense of my brain

I was going to post some pictures of the last few weeks but my laptop is being so slow! and it’s really irritating so I shall try again tomorrow.

Feeling much better today, I think writing yesterday really helped me to work through everything that was going through my head. It got it all out an I have things that I can work on to help.

I actually slept well last night 🙂 probably for the first time in a while.

Woke up with really achy legs, my leg muscles are always so so sore the day after I do my injection 😦 but they didn’t feel better until I had a little nap.

Got myself showered and dressed and on days like this I am so grateful of my shower stool because there was no way I could of had a shower without sitting this morning, my legs hurt too much.

Didn’t feel confident enough to take my stick out with me today even though I should have. I managed without it ok though.

I met L and the boys in town, L treated me to a tattoo 🙂 I love it so much and I so needed a bit of pain therapy! Was good fun

After we slowly made our way back to L’s picked up the pup and went to the park for a few hours, which was good.

Headed back to mine, all my furkids were happy to see me 🙂

Did the house work, so I don’t have to do it tomorrow. Went and got stuff to make dinner with next week and picked up my prescription.

Just been relaxing this evening watching CSI Vegas and playing with my furkids 🙂

Having a nice roast dinner tomorrow at L’s so looking forward to that, can’t beat a good roast.

Think I am going to do a little bit of colouring in my book before getting myself to bed.

11873967_10155854556405456_1074638198_n our tattoo’s 🙂

Peace out

Batman

Gender dysphoria

I’ve been quite irritable and angry recently without real cause to be feeling that way. That is a warning sign for me but I’ve been thinking that this could be put down to gender dysphoria.

Like I am DONE with it being warm and having to wear vest tops and shorts. I cannot wait to be back in jeans so I don’t have to shave my legs and back to wearing hoodies so my man boobs are less obvious. I get like this about this time of year every year, I am now thinking that this isn’t because I like the winter because I like the cold, I much prefer the sun. Its because I can cover up and feel more confident in myself and look more like a guy.

So the recent anger and irritability can be put down to gender dysphoria and not being happy with my body, so wanting to cover it up…

Does this make sense to anyone?

Peace out

Batman

Dissociation from emotions

I am so so tired but everything is a lot less intense then it was yesterday, which I am very grateful for.

Um where to start.. Slept well last night, woke up about 5 am though but managed to get back to sleep pretty soon.

Took my time in getting ready this morning, remembered to put my dinner on in the slow cooker. Didn’t have the head space or energy to rush about, even managed to do a little colouring in and I think that made all the difference, that helped to relax me and lighten my mood.

M picked me up at half 12 pm and off we went to the Weymouth LGBT mental health group. It was a really good session and I so love helping out there 🙂 M is going to help get me more involved so I can take a session or do a little exercise within the session which would be so great.

The group ran an hour over, but that was cool because it was needed and I think a lot of people got a lot out of it.

Despite the traffic, the crap weather and it being the school holidays, it didn’t take too long to get home thankfully.

I was greeted by my two happy puppies and my two happy cats 🙂 Sat for a bit catching up on text’s and stuff.

Had myself some dinner, stuck on CSI, did my Lego and just been catching up on here.

Legs have been sore again today, the muscles on the bottom of my feet hurt when I walk. But it’s not been as bad as other days.

How do I feel right now? Now that is a question that I am not sure I can answer because I’m not sure how I feel. Things feel less intense then it did yesterday which is a good thing. Still feel really irritable though, I feel like everything is on top of me at the moment and I just want to scream FUCK OFF! I don’t mean it though, I think I just need sometime out. Also think I am putting a lot of pressure on myself too, I’ve spent such a long time feeling so down and depressed that now I’ve been fairly stable and feeling good that I am terrified of even feeling a tiny bit down because I am scared that my mood will dip to the point of how it’s been before, which wasn’t a good place. It was dark, it was scary and it was fucking hard to get myself out of and I don’t want to have to do that all over again because it’s so hard. So now I don’t let myself feel the downs, not even a little. I suppose it’s a sort of prevention..coping strategy but I think if I don’t let myself feel the downs as I go along then it will build up to the point where it will all hit me at once and I will be right back down at the place I am trying to stay away from….so yeah I think this is what I’m doing on a subconscious level, what I need to do now is stop it..but now sure how :/

I suppose I can start by doing a bit of mindfulness, just being mindful of how I am feeling. Name the emotion and sit with it…

I will at some point at the weekend update with some pictures, I have loads 🙂

Peace out

Batman

Stuck

It’s been nearly a whole week since I have sat down to write properly, I usually like sitting down to write but this past week I’ve either been too tired or I’ve just not felt like it. I’m only writing tonight because I’m not feeling too good at the moment, mood has crashed and my dark passenger is walking near. I’m struggling.

Hmm quick catch up I suppose…

Saturday – I had Leo for most of the day, L and the boy’s came down in the afternoon and we all went to a little park near me and spent the afternoon there. My bro picked up Leo and stayed at the park for a bit. L fed the boys at mine before heading home. Just chilled in the evening.

Sunday – Slept until midday, I definitely needed it. Had a shower and got myself ready, spent the afternoon at my brothers, had dinner, played Lego with Jack. Had a good time. Chilled out in the evening.

Monday – I chilled out, cleaned the flat, spent 3 hours colouring in my new adult colouring book, went to the trans* group social in the evening, which was good.

Tuesday – Had a boys day with Harvey, spoilt him a bit but had good fun hanging out with him. Chilled in the evening.

Wednesday –  Didn’t get much sleep because I was so sore and achy. Woke up feeling like utter crap. So just stayed in and slept. I did manage to clean up a bit.

Back to today Thursday – Actually slept ok-ish last night, was up at 7 am did the usual morning things, was out by just gone 9 am. M picked me up to take me to a meeting for Mindout. Meeting went ok. Met L and the boy’s for a bit before group.

Group was good, had some commissioner people come in wanting to know what we thought about the mental health services, as they know it’s flawed to say the least. It was SOOOO good to be able to get it all off my chest and there will be a opportunity to help reform the mental health services, which I really want to do because it is so flawed and people have died as a result.

Met L and the boys for a bit after group. I headed home, got dinner on the way as I’d forgotten to put my dinner in the slow cooker before I left this morning.

Just been relaxing this evening, tried to do some colouring, couldn’t really get into it though, so gave up and started on this instead. Going to get to bed after this, I feel that crap that the best thing I can do is just go to bed.

I found out today that a fellow blogger died over a year ago now. She’s been on my mind in that time but for some reason today she was more so and I read the comments on her last blog and yeah a few people wrote R.I.P and stuff. She had bipolar but was very tormented by the loss of her baby and she never ever came back from that trauma. In some way I’m pleased she’s now no longer in the awful awful pain she was in every day, but just so so sad that nothing helped. No amount of medication, therapy, counselling etc, nothing helped her move on. I just hope that now she’s at peace with her baby boy ❤

My health has been it’s usual crap this week, been really achy, really sore leg muscles, felt a bit sick a few times, really tired. Usual shit, I can’t wait for my appointment with my new bone doc next week. I want off this fucking methotrextate, I want my condition to be looked at again and look into either another diagnosis or whatever. I just want some fucking answers as to why this yr has been so shit and I’ve gone down hill. I think this is part of where my anger is coming from.

Mentally not been doing great, just been faking it really because I’ve worked so hard to get to two yrs self harm free and to be as stable as I have been and I really don’t want it all to fuck up now. Because I will fucking hate myself for it and I will be so disappointed in myself and if I do cut, if I do fall to pieces it will be like starting all over again from the start and I just haven’t got the strength to do that. But neither can I carry on like this. I don’t know what to do. I’m irritable and angry, they are BIG warning signs that something is going to kick off. Like FUCK do I want to up the fucking quetiapine! I HATE THAT SHIT! I’m stuck. I don’t know how to get this all out without it being totally destructive. Constructive ways feel like it’s not getting it all out properly and it feels trapped. I feel trapped. But good old me has got this because I fucking have too!

I’m fucking done, I need to go to sleep

Peace out

Quiet, calm, mindful place….ah this is my bliss

To start with I am sat with just my laptop on, only this tab and another tab for youtube up. Phone and TV is OFF!

Feeling really irritable this evening….I’m not sure why. Usually I multi-task while I’m writing and I’ll be on FB, chatting with peeps through snapchat and whatsapp…have the tv on…GAH NO! I just can’t be doing with that tonight.

Just listening and watching some of Sia’s video’s. I love her music so much. Breathe me is my all time favourite for lyrics. Chandelier is my favourite video, really wish I could express myself through dance like that, so beautiful. #siabreatheme

I felt ok when I woke up this morning, although I did wake up at 8 am because of the stupid noise from the work they are doing near me! All day that stupid noise went on. I tried to get back to sleep for a bit…But ended up just resting instead.

Eventually got off my butt, got showered and dressed. Just managed to get it together before I had to leave to take scrappy to the groomers.

Scrappy had a good time at the groomers, although she said he was scared of the hairdryer lol. But he smells much better and looks a bit less scruffy now, bless him. While I was waiting for him I went to the pet shop that’s near and got him some treats that contain charcoal which are all natural treats and will be good to give him when he’s got a poorly tummy.

We got home about 2:30 pm. Watched TV for a bit, then decided I was going to make the special dog cupcakes I bought for fox, but had to nip to Asda to get vegetable oil as I only had olive oil…probably would have been the same…but didn’t want to risk it. But anyway I made them and they turned out great, they actually smelt nice as well emoticon smile

Relaxed for a bit, I think this is when I was starting to feel irritable. So I got up, put the washing away, sorted out my veg for my dinner, washed up etc, generally just pottered about. Was feeling restless.

Dinner was lovely, although I struggled to eat tonight. But I was hungry…gah I hope my appetite isn’t changing again. But I will persist with eating properly!

Spent some of this evening doing my usual thing. But I’m feeling restless. I feel too ill and tired to anything energetic. I don’t know how to focus this feeling. I may just go to bed. At least there I can be in the dark, the quiet and lay feeling comfortable and in little pain..There is much to be said about taking pain meds and being peaceful. Such bliss.

I am craving more to be in a peaceful, quiet, calm, mindful place. Noise from my mind, the tv, fb, my phone. Is just too much. I need a break. I’ve taken that.

Hoping my mood will have lifted again by the morning. I’m not sure what my mind is playing at today.

Just thinking about laying in bed in the quiet is ah just pure bliss. That is where I am headed after this.

Night all. May you find your quiet place. Your mindful place. Your bliss ❤

Peace out

Batman

Irritable and low

My head wasn’t really in socialising last night. I don’t know why I said yes… But whatever. I stayed and didn’t get into bed till like 2 am.

I had my alarm set for about 11 am, but I woke up early… *sigh* I woke up with a headache and I’ve not been able to shift it all day.

Just sat around for a bit, had some breakfast. Eventually got showered and dressed. Just sat watching T.V till D came over.

D came about 12 pm and had his lunch. G inboxed me to ask if we still wanted to take the dogs for a walk. He took his sweet time getting here! He only lives a 10min walk from mine lol. We eventually set off to walk the dogs on my usual trip. It was ok… I didn’t really enjoy it though. It was a bit stressful, when its just me and fox, I just enjoy the quietness, even if D comes along with me he is able to just be in the moment. G just kept chatting… which was fine, but sometimes he’s hard work. 

After the walk, we came back to mine and relaxed….They relaxed, my head was banging and I just wanted time alone. But they weren’t there long as D had work. I was trying not to worry about not being at work with them tonight, but I just had to sit and try and let it go. I need this time off. When they had left I took myself off to bed, foxy joined me as well, kicked off my jeans and got into bed. I set my alarm for an hour and a half. I didn’t want to sleep too late.

It was a nice nap, I woke just before my alarm. But just stayed laid in bed chilling out. Eventually got up and did myself a nice steak dinner again.

I have just been chilling out this evening. I got loads of things in my head that I need to do… but I’ve not been able to really get a thought in order to do it. 

My head is hurting so much! 😦 I need to get my head together! 

Mood has dipped and I feel like shit and really irritable! Knew that high wouldn’t last long. 

Peace out

Tank girl

Busy Saturday! SO tired.

I spent so much on food shopping…. But at least I will have meals to last me till just after Christmas. I can get snacky bits any time, although I am cutting down on snacks and already lost about 3lbs.

I didn’t end up sleeping till nearly 4 am, I was just so hyped up I couldn’t sleep lol! So many exciting things coming up. 

I reluctantly got out of bed just before 9 am this morning. I got showered and dressed and went to Asda for a nice cooked breakfast! OMG it was just what I needed lol. Although the eggs weren’t as runny as I would of liked. But such is life. Came back and took my foxy pup for a few, brought her home and got my stuff together and made my way out to meet my mum and Jack. 

Town was SO busy and it made me feel a bit anxious because everyone is running around all stressed looking for the perfect gift….I so could feel the tense energy. I was just trying to focus on keeping lil Jack close. We had a little look around the shops and mum got Jack a jumper with two reindeer’s on that are wearing sun glasses and Jack thought that was funny. 

We eventually got round to the cinema and I bought us popcorn and drinks. Made Jack go for a wee before we went in. He kept saying he didn’t want to go, so I said he wouldn’t be able to see the film if he didn’t wee first lol, it worked 🙂 The film was awesome, so touching and as usual a bloody kids film nearly had me in tears lol. Been so emotional recently! Get all teary over stupid lil things. But I think that maybe the lack of sleep recently and the stress of this time of year. But it was really sweet when Jack kept snuggling into me! I loved it! I don’t see him much and that was just so so sweet. He told me I look like the snowman in Frozen lol! Yeah thanks Jack! I can’t wait to spend some of Christmas day and boxing day with Jack 🙂

Got home and OMG I was SO tired and SO achy. I just sat chilling out, so tired but I just couldn’t nap, so I ended up feeling so irritable and just didn’t know what to do with myself. There was nothing on TV, no DVD’s I wanted to watch GAH hate that feeling so much. Had dinner and just sat sort of watching some weird alien thing, in which I couldn’t work out if what they were talking about was hypothetical or not lol…. I figured what they were talking about was something that could potentially happen. Then watched some woman who was brought up by monkeys and all the people trying to prove and disprove her story, but it was really interesting as there was more prove to back up her story, which was pretty cool. Now watching something about psychopaths which is also very interesting, I took channel 4’s online psychopath test and obviously I scored very low lol. 

Just been catching up on fb games and with friends online. Someone re-added me tonight….last time we spoke she was 13 something I was NOT aware of at the time, until I got a call from an irate mother :/ But luckily the mother was quite rational and decided to ban her child from the internet as she was posing her self to be much older etc. Anyway, this girl is now 17 and with someone who has a 12yr old son…. But hey who I am to judge, but I just worry as she comes across as a child and someone you would want to protect. Just going to be careful with her. 

I’m so exhausted, but its pissing down with rain…. GAH. Quick trip out for foxy girl and then snuggles in bed. Its meant to be yucky weather again tomorrow, so I think it will be a DVD day, well apart from taking foxy for a wee and picking up something from the shop for my little cousin.

Peace out a very tired

Tank girl x