LIFE IN LOCKDOWN..CONT

This feels like a never ending saga… Although things are starting to slowly get back to normal-ish. More places are starting to open and you’re allowed to travel a bit more and the level has been lowered to 3.. which I’m unsure of the exact do’s and don’ts but for me I am meant to be isolating now till the end of this month, although that could change. It’s just a case of waiting to see what happens next, I do think a second wave is inevitable as that’s just how a virus works.

For me I don’t feel quite comfortable going to any shops in town just yet, although I will have to go to primark at some point at I have one pair of shorts and the ones I’ve seen in Asda either don’t feel right or just aren’t my style. I’m also feeling quite anxious about using public transport, luckily at the moment I don’t have to go anywhere, despite bursting to take the dogs out for the day somewhere, I think for me right now the risks still outweighs the wants. Plus I need a mask which I don’t have and don’t feel comfortable wearing due to not being able to breathe properly. I think I’d feel to claustrophobic wearing a mask, especially on the bus. So for now, I’m staying local..which is boring AF but I got to keep safe.

I wish I could say I was coping better with this lockdown life, but sadly I can’t. I’m still really struggling, my depression is pretty bad, anxiety is bad and the disassociation is really crippling.

I decided that today I was going to try my best to actually participate and engage in life, rather then the disassociation take over and its been extremely exhausting trying to stay present and in the moment. But I’ve been able to get things done that have just been impossible to do in the last few weeks.

Most days I am so disconnected, disassociated and switched off that all I can do is sleep, eat snacks as cooking has just been too difficult and walk the dogs. I haven’t even been able to really watch anything either, I’ve just been watching things I don’t have to concentrate on, things I’ve seen a million times as its kind of comforting and eases my anxiety. There’s a few new seasons of shows I love on netflix that I’m bursting to watch, but for some reason I can’t start them. I feel too anxious, I know it makes no sense. I’m not really enjoying doing anything either, I just feel so numb, I can’t remember the last time I actually felt something other then feeling so numb and just nothing. I feel like most days I’m just going through the motions, just to get through another day of monotony.

I struggle to even start a task, it takes forever to do the basics, as I’m so trapped my anxiety and fighting to stay in the moment that I spend a lot of time sitting down trying to motivate myself enough to unfreeze and move. Its such a battle every day just to do the simplest of things and its so exhausting. I’m meant to be taking my blood pressure every day, but I’ve been unable to do that, as I just don’t remember and for some reason it feels like an overwhelming task, even though its so simple.

I’m just trapped inside my head all by myself all the time and my head is such a dark place to be but I’m stuck there. I need outside stimulation and interaction, I need outside help. But it’s just not there right now.

I’m so withdrawn from life, that I just don’t reach out anymore, I just can’t bring myself to it. I’ve kinda resided to the fact that this is life now, just on my own, loneliness forever. I’m not ok with that but I’m too tired to keep trying to insert myself into people’s lives.

Even when I’m out with the dogs and people talk to me, I keep stumbling over my words, I feel super awkward and incredibly anxious. I love being out with the dogs but I hate being seen, I just want to walk and chill on my own, which just isn’t me at all. I usually love talking to random strangers but now it just makes me feel so vulnerable and awkward I really don’t enjoy it and I wish I didn’t feel this way as I am quite a social person usually. But my anxiety is so strong and the constant negative thoughts is making everything impossible.

I’m kind of dreading everything getting back to normal, I can see myself keeping myself very withdrawn and isolated, it feels a bit scary getting back to normal. I don’t know how I’m going to get myself back out there into society, just thinking about it freaks me out. I’m not agoraphobic but the thought have having to go a bit further a field, like say to a hospital app is terrifying. Not just getting public transport but also interacting with others and also being able to organise myself enough to get myself somewhere on time. This lockdown has had a huge negative impact on my mental health and its not something that I’ll be able to easily fix.

I’ve had very little sleep today, under 4 hours I think. I got up early and did the house work and made some breakfast and I was out just before 10 am, I took the dogs for a walk and sat down where we scattered dad’s ashes which was nice and peaceful. Spoke to him and wished him a Happy Fathers Day, something I do every year. After our walk I had some lunch and watched and film, then jumped onto the laptop while my brain was still engaged in real life and I’ve been sat here for about 4 hours now. I feel a bit better for blogging and getting stuff out, I’m bloody exhausted now. I’m going to try and get an earlier night.

A couple of weeks ago I decided for my own mental health and sanity to cut ties with my ex completely, which meant deleting messages, blocking on FB and burning the break up letter they gave, which wasn’t as satisfying as I thought it would be. I couldn’t keep tormenting myself and I felt like I was still holding on, waiting, hoping that maybe I’d be wanted again. I didn’t really want to remain friends in the first place, it’s what they wanted and rather then be strong and stand up for myself I just went along with it. But I can’t heal from the situation whilst stuck in it and still wishing and hoping we’d get back together. I kept thinking I was over it but its still just as painful as when we broke up. I hate feeling so deeply, cuz sure as hell they don’t miss me or were even hurt by the break up, even if they did they didn’t show it. But why would they be hurt, I mean its only me right. Not speaking to them is so painful but being friends was painful, I can’t win.

Man, writing all this shit out makes me feel so broken.. no wonder I’m alone! lol who the fuck wants to take me and all my baggage on?! I don’t even want me.. Maybe this will always be the way, maybe one day I’ll find the light in all this darkness.

Peace out

Zak

Today sucked

Today sucked!

I hate how sometimes a little change can cause such an extreme emotional reaction in me, it’s like I have no control over it and it just ruins the whole day.

Rather then just accept the situation as it is, my brain just over reacts and ruins the whole day and makes me feel like shit.

Then the negative thought cycle appears and it’s really hard to make it go away or to change it. It’s exhausting constantly fighting against yourself.

I’ve tried to get myself out of how I feel but hasn’t worked just yet. Although right now I feel more sad and lonely then anything else.

Earlier I was really fucking angry. That’s mostly gone now and just left with a low mood.

It hasn’t been helped by the fact I’ve been pretty isolated this week. I saw a couple of friends last night for a few hours which was lovely. But they’re the only people I’ve seen since Sunday.

I like my alone time but not 4 days in a row. Two, three days tops is enough alone time for me, then I start to need a bit of real life human interaction.

But like today plans get fucked up. To be fair though I’ve fucked up a lot this week cuz I keep messing up dates, forgetting shit… so been causing lots of issues.

It’s really frustrating and right now I feel like I can’t do anything right so why bother at all, cuz I’m just getting everything wrong and messing everything up.

My mood is all over the place this week, I either feel ok or I feel really low. It’s probably because my testosterone shot is due next week. I hate feeling these extreme emotions.

Most of the time I handle them pretty well I think but just sometimes everything just bubbles over and goes crazy and I get over the top reactions to stuff. I hate it so much, makes me feel like such a dick that some days I just can’t handle stupid little things. Makes me so angry at myself.

Right now all I want to do is hide away forever, have a cuddle, a good cry and a good nights sleep. But that’s not gonna happen, so just sitting outside with the dogs, in hopes I can stop myself from feeling like such a loser! Hasn’t helped yet, but I have tried to feel better. Some days are just easier then others.

Today Negative thoughts 1 – Zak 0

Peace out

Zak

Am I losing it? – Update on my life

It has been another 7 days since I last posted on here, mainly because my mood has been really low and I’ve not had the motivation to do anything and a bit because my situation hasn’t really changed much and I’m so fed up.

So what has been happening in my life in the past 7 days.. Not much lol, mostly because like I said I’ve been depressed and I’ve isolated myself. I tried to go to the group social on Thursday afternoon but it was just way too much and I could only stay for an hour, it was just too overwhelming. I think the fact I had meditated before I went was a factor as while it is good, it can also have a negative effect.

I found this picture and it really spoke to me, I love it and look at it every day.

IMG_1428.JPG

It made me think about my current situation and yes while it is very stressful and I am struggling to pay my bills etc. I can still have a good day, I can still do things that will make me happy and I’ve been trying to do that by making sure the housework and laundry is all done, making sure me and my fur babies have what we need and by making sure I don’t isolate myself too much, which is hard when I don’t have much money but a day out doesn’t need to cost much. So yeah I am trying to make the most out of a bad situation but I am also allowing myself to feel depressed, stressed and overwhelmed, I’m just not letting my emotions rule my day.

I saw my GP last week and he said I have fluid on my knee, so he gave me more anti-inflammatory meds to try. So far they haven’t helped too much but I shall see how it goes and if it still hurts then he will give me a steroid injection into my knee joint :/ ouch! I also asked about changing to Gabapentin for my pain as the tramadol isn’t working so much any more.

A big thing happened this week and that was I left a site that I have used for 6  years, I won’t name it but its for people with physical and mental health issues and for carers of people with physical and mental health issues. It has been a huge part of my life and it has been helpful but I felt I no longer have anything left to give the members of that community as most of them just want to be validation and don’t want to recover and some members are down right toxic and I will no longer tolerate people who make me out to be the bad person and I will not tolerate people manipulating me to feel bad for them and that site has one or two people like that. I feel I am on a different path now and I no longer need that sort of thing in my life, I am trying to get away from toxic people. It does feel weird as it was a big part of my life for so long and I am feeling a bit anxious about it but I know it’s for the best.

Update on benefits stuff – I got a letter to say the courts have my information I sent and now they are waiting for the Department of Work and Pensions to get back to them and then I will be sent a court date. I just want it over so bad, I am SO close to it being over, I just gotta hold on a little longer. People keep telling me I’m doing great but I feel like I am losing control and just totally losing my shit, I’m desperately trying to keep it together but its so freaking hard!

My appetite has gone again, what a fucking surprise lol. So I’ve just been grazing on whatever I fancy and I’m trying not to put so much pressure on myself. The belief is that I have to eat 3 proper meals a day, but is that really fact? Do I really have too? No I don’t because I’m an adult and I cannot force my body to do something it doesn’t want too do and it doesn’t want to eat regular meals. I think because all my life I have been forced to eat 3 meals a day and always been told that is what I need to do etc and its a hard to break that thought pattern.

But yeah I have lots of stuff to work through as usual and its hard man, like so hard! I think I need to possibly seek help for the PTSD due to my physical health diagnosis at a young age, I think its really causing me a lot of issues right now, with my mood and just stuff. I can’t explain it.

Feeling a little relaxed for having wrote this, although I feel really disconnected so I’m not sure if that shows in who I write this but yeah.

My Mr Scrappy Doodles is 2 years old today 🙂 We took the bus to the park, it was so nice out, the sun was out and it was lovely and warm. Scrappy had lots of fun swimming in the sea and playing fetch and Foxy just followed us around peeing on everything lol.

Here are some pics from today

Peace out

Batman

What a week and it’s only Wednesday!

Its only Wednesday and it has already been one hell of a week! I’m absolutely exhausted, in so much pain and so stressed out, literally don’t know how I am continuing to move forward and deal with all of this shit.

So Monday Scrappy went down hill, he was still being sick and he started pooping blood, he then went very lethargic. So I had to scramble around and got two of my friends to help me out but we managed to get him to the vets in the end. I was thinking the worse, as I’ve never seen him so poorly before. But the vet said he’s probably eaten something he shouldn’t have…which knowing scrappy is probably what happened lol. The vet gave him 3 injections, antibiotics, anti-sickness and anti-diarrhea and then some anti-diarrhea paste to give him for the next few days.

Yesterday Scrappy was still really subdue and not eating but today he’s really perked up. He’s eaten and played fetch, he’s still not 100% himself but he didn’t eat for 48 hours and didn’t sleep well for 48 hours so he’s probably exhausted and feeling really weak. I’m sure he’ll be back to his usual old self in a few more days. I’m just glad my baby boy is on the mend, I wouldn’t know what I would do without him or any of my babies.

Monday morning I spent ringing around my doctors and diverse abilities to sort out getting my case together for this tribunal for the disability benefits. I need to chase up one doc to see what’s going on, as I said I am at that hospital next week and can pick it all up.

My psych has been great, I saw him today to catch him up to speed with everything going on, so he’s going to write me an up to date letter for me to use at the tribunal, I just need to show him what I will be writing to them. So I am going to get diverse abilities to send me a copy of the appeal, so I can send to him because my case for the tribunal will still be along the same lines.

This fortnight after I pay out for everything I have £38… Yes I did treat myself to a £6 top and a haircut that cost £9 but I think I deserve a small treat after everything I’ve been through. But I can’t afford to get a taxi to my hospital app next week, so I’ve asked my brother to take me but I can’t afford to pay car parking because its expensive and I can’t expect my brother to either, so he’s just dropping me off. I have no money to socialise, which I know its not what it is for BUT because of my illnesses I get isolated very easily, so with no money to do anything, I will become isolated, bored and depressed.. This is no life at all, its just not fair! I just hate this so much, having to prove over and over that I am sick and “worthy” to be “awarded” these benefits. Its soul destroying to go over all my limitations and all the things that I struggle with or can’t do. I cannot WAIT for it all to be over, I will fight until I get my money, I need this money to live instead of just about surviving like I am right now.

Over the last few years I’ve watched helplessly as my health has gone down hill and I’ve not been able to do a thing about it. At the moment I am still having issues with my re-occurring sinus infections but next Fri I meet my new ENT doc. I am anxious about it but at the same time I can’t wait because it does need to be sorted out. Also this last week or so my right knee has been swollen after well doing anything and its has been really painful…But I can’t see my GP until next week. I had a letter to say he wants to see me, but the receptionists can’t possibly tell me why and they still cannot see me until Tues.. lol. I am over dealing with the gate keepers of the doctors, I just hope he doesn’t urgently need to see me for anything because well Tues will have to do.

So how do I feel right now? I really don’t know to be honest, overwhelmed is probably the right word to use right now. It’s all a bit too much and I have SO much to do and I am organising it all myself. I’m just grateful for the friends that I have around me right now and my brother, they are helping to keep me afloat.

I’m surprised that my dark passenger hasn’t made himself known, I think finally after 20 years I am totally in control of this dark addiction that I held so closely for most of my life. Finally there is a distance between us and he’s no longer walking anywhere near me. Throughout all of this stress I could have easily given my dark passenger permission to just take hold of me again but it hasn’t even crossed my mind, which is a huge step for me. I have cut once in about two and a half years and I am extremely proud of myself for that because before I stopped, cutting (my dark passenger) totally controlled my life, say if my current situation with benefits, health etc was to happen 4 years ago then I would probably be cut to shreds, I would probably be cutting every day because of the stress. Like I said I’ve not thought about and even now talking about it, isn’t a trigger at all, which again is a huge improvement for me. I’ve said before that I enjoyed cutting but now I understand myself a lot more and understand that I have sensory processing issues and that is why I enjoyed it. Now I am aware of that I have different things that I use when I need that sensory feeling or whatever, its difficult to explain.

I’m glad I’ve written about all this because it has shown me that despite all of the shit I am going through, I do have things that I can still be proud of 🙂 and that is a good mood booster, least I am still moving forward and making progress.

That’s all for now,

Peace out

Batman

Not feeling myself at all

Its been a week since I updated last and that’s mainly because I haven’t done much and I haven’t been feeling quite myself either, I’ve been feeling a bit empty and lost, something I haven’t felt for a while.

I’m finding it hard to think of anything to write about as like I’ve said I’ve not done much and my mood has been pretty low. I hate feeling empty and lost but I don’t even know what’s caused this, which is even worse because I don’t know how to fix it.

I hate my body right now because my man boobs are so swollen and sore, reminding me I am  genetically female.. yeah like I need a reminder. I don’t know why they are, I am hoping it stops soon because this is not helping at all. I have been disassociating from my body way too much but it helps me cope with the gender dysphoria but long term it makes me disconnect from my whole self, which is possibly why I’ve been feeling empty and lost. I’m going to do some meditation before bed tonight just to ground myself and see if that helps.

Isolation hasn’t helped with how I’ve been feeling, I’ve seen like 4 people in 2 weeks. First it started out with just needing a bit of time out and then I got ill so I had isolation forced upon me, as I felt too ill to go anywhere and it just got worse from there. I’ve literally been spending my days waking up and then waiting for bed time again with the middle part being incredibly bored.

I have had to good days out this week thanks to my bro, he’s such a good brother. On Tues we went for a drive with the pups and stopped at a few places so they could go run around, which they loved. Scrappy did loads of swimming about and getting muddy lol and Foxy kept sitting in the pushchair with Leo. On Fri he took me to Monkey world for the day and that was awesome fun, I love it there. We had a little drive on the way home which was nice. It’s taken me 2 days to recover though, I slept for 13 hours Fri night and didn’t wake up still gone 1pm Saturday afternoon, haven’t slept that long in ages and today I’ve struggled to stay awake because all I’ve wanted to do is sleep. Think I am over the worst of it now, feeling much less drowsy. On these two days my mood was much better because I was occupied and not alone.

Next week I am pretty booked up and busy, which is good. It means I have to get out and about at a reasonable time and do stuff and be social. Hopefully it will help me to feel myself again. Its such a weird feeling not feeling myself but I can’t really explain it either, its just weird.

I so don’t want to take the pups out tonight, its raining so hard out! It has been for most of the day. Thought it was meant to be spring! haha, typical British weather.

Really don’t have much else to say…my mind has gone blank and well there’s nothing much in there anyway lol. So I shall wrap this up for now and hopefully I’ll have something more interesting to write about soon.

Peace out

Batman

Busy, happy boy :)

Wow the last 2 days have been so busy but they’ve been really good! My mood has picked up as has my motivation and over all I just feel a bit better 🙂

Yesterday I had my meeting for the voluntary job in which I was given a ton of paper work…. and I have got another appointment to do my DBS form, I asked her to fill it on for me other wise it will take me hours lol. But I am glad to have a new voluntary job, I feel important and have some sort of focus and purpose now.

I spent the afternoon with a friend, we had lunch and just hung out and chatted about stuff which was nice and she’s coming to stay with me this weekend, so looking forward to that.

I didn’t get home till about 7pm-ish, I had something to eat and drink and then I took the pups out down to the quay for a walk as it was biker night. Every Tues night bikers meet up on the quay. Foxy barks at the bikes lol its so funny, scrappy wasn’t even phased even though he’d never been to biker night before. We ended up being out for hours and we walked loads but it was really nice and I got some great pictures. Although it was really painful on my joints and I did sit down a few times it was so worth it, both the dogs and I needed it.

We got home at 9:30 pm and watched some TV for a bit, I was in bed by 10:30 pm just relaxing and it didn’t take long before we were all asleep.

For some reason I was up early again… But I did manage to get back to sleep for an hour or so. I just spent half the day messing about with the dogs, watching tv, I think I did have a nap, watching stuff on YouTube..

Eventually I got my butt up and started cleaning up the flat and I decided that the fridge and freezer needed sorting out and ended up defrosting the freezer, which took AGES! but it was fun chipping off the ice and making a mess lol. I did my usual bits, laundry, dishes etc.

I was chatting to some friends too through text and that, which was cool. One friend I’d not heard from a while text me I think yesterday, so that opened up the dialogue 🙂 Even though I haven’t actually seen anyone today, I haven’t been entirely isolated because people have been talking to me. This last week I have been less isolated, which has helped to pick up my mood.

After cleaning up, I had a shower and got dressed. After sorting through my food…well there wasn’t much in there lol and I’m going to start eating better, so I sat and did a shopping list and went to get it all. I put it all away and gave all the animals a treat.

Everything was aching so I sat down for a bit and just watched some tv. For dinner I made myself a ham and veg risotto, something I’ve not made in a long time but it was so yummy and got LOADS left over for another dinner. I’m going to try and eat a little better but I’m not going to stress to much over it….well that’s the plan lol! As a kid growing up at dinner time you sat down to eat a meal and I think now I still try and do that even though my appetite is totally different as an adult then when I was a kid. Now I graze and eat little and often and I don’t like to eat big meals and I need to get that into my head, that it’s ok to have a small meal or just whatever. I no longer need to eat a proper meal like I did as a kid. I’m hoping this will cause me less stress around food and eating.

I had a stack of paper work just making a mess everywhere and it really needed sorting through. I finally got round to it tonight! Woohoo lol, it’s taken me ages to do. But now I’m motivated what better time, so now it’s all done and some bits thrown away, some bits put away and a few bits filled out and ready to post tomorrow.

And then I came online. I wasn’t going to write much because I need to go to bed but I started to type and it all came tumbling out lol. Man I feel so good, this week has been great so far. My mood and motivation is UP and with dealing with the cleaning, paper work etc has also contributed to me feeling good 🙂 I hope this continues.

The only thing I’m not liking at the moment is having dreams about being a genetic guy… but waking up and not being a genetic guy really sucks. I wish they would stop, well the dreams are cool but the waking up to reality isn’t. But whatever…stupid brain lol.

A few pictures

Peace out

Batman

Grumpy c**t *sorry*

It’s my trans group again tonight, which is why I am updating early. I may write again later, will see how I feel.

So yeah yesterday….my mood was incredibly low and I wasn’t particularly articulate, because of the low mood. And yeah my attitude to people who were being nice was horrible, but I don’t need people trying to fix it or be nice or whatever, I just need to be left to it.

I was in bed and asleep be 9:30 pm because I couldn’t cry any more and I just couldn’t deal any more.

Been up since 8:30 am, but haven’t napped. I had a good 11 hours sleep last night, but I think I definitely needed it.

Haven’t done anything today, apart from sit on my ass, get a shower, get dressed and take the rubbish out. I’ll take the pups out soon. Spent a while clearing stuff off my phone, as the memory was totally full.

I have an appointment in the morning to see the hand specialist and get my metal splint fitted. I’m going to ask questions about all my other issues I have with that hand and wrist and maybe they can help. Because I have a trapped nerve and I am prone to tendonitis as well.

I have also spoken to my GPA specialist, well his secretary and we had a lil chat. I told her about everything I’ve been going through recently. And she said she’ll pass the message on and see what he thinks. She shortly rang me back to say that I have an appointment at the end of March, but she said if she can get one that’s a bit sooner.

Oh man typing with a fractured finger is so painful! But I NEED to get everything out.

So the mood thing…birthday thing. GAH! My mood is a little better today, feeling less depressed but still a bit grumpy. I’m going down on my quetiapine today, from 150mgs to 100mgs. So this maybe have a small effect on my mood but its not the cause.

The birthday thing…I am pushing people away on purpose and I am big enough to admit that. It’s not something I am proud of but its my way of protecting myself. In the past my birthday’s haven’t been great. My last adult birthday when my dad threw me a party only a few people bothered coming, this devastated me. Since then I’ve not really been a fan on birthdays and since then its been down to me to sort it out. With everything I go through just for once I really want someone to take control and I don’t know make a fuss. I see other people going out and having a great time for their birthdays, yes past birthdays have been good, but I feel that if I hadn’t sorted something out, no one else would have. I just feel incredibly let down by everyone around me and YES I more then understand that people are busy have their own shit going on, but it doesn’t take 2 seconds to text and check I’m ok, seriously one single text would make all the difference to my mood. I know people care, but because I don’t feel like people haven’t shown it to me, through lack of contact or whatever. I feel alone, totally alone and isolated. I feel like not one single soul in the entire world gives a shit. When I am ok physically and mentally I bend over backwards to help all my friends, make sure they are ok, even if its just a text. There are certain people I think of every day and text on a regular basis just to check in and hoping they are ok. My expectations of my friends maybe are too high…..maybe I just need to try and be happy with what I have..

I am tired, emotionally, physically, spiritually. Every ounce of my being is fed up, I feel broken. I want a break, from fighting my mind and body, I want a break from just dealing with day to day adult life. Just even for a day. I need a break. But I can’t get one.

So whoever of my friends is reading this I do apologise for being a grumpy cunt. But I also hope you’ve taken in what I’ve actually said. It comes straight from the soul as does all my blogs..

Another birthday celebrated without my best friend…my daddy. Man I miss him so freaking much. I miss being able to call him up and bitch and moan about everything. I know he’d make the effort to come see me even though he lived far away. I knew my dad truly loved me. I miss him making me laugh to cheer me up. He’d do anything for me and he knew I was there just the same for him. I hope he is proud of me 😥 I miss him every second of every day. Sometimes I wish I was with him. But I know I have to live life for the both of us. He may have been my dad but he was my soul mate, we were so alike. He just understood and got me. No one else in the family I have that same bond with. I miss him so much.

Writing through tears again. But I gotta sort out pups, my pill box and dinner before I go out tonight. As I said I’m sorry for being a pain, but my soul is in pain.

Peace out

Batman

whatever

This weekend blows.

Yesterday I slept most of the day. Went back down to a&e because my stupid hand and wrist was so painful. Waste of time! Just pulled the muscles. Scrappy chewed the fucking cable AGAIN! In bed by 1 am.

Woke up at 8 am today, ate and fell back to sleep for a bit. Got showered, got dressed, took pups out.

Went out and got a new cable.

Got home. Did nothing. Watched tv. Had dinner.

Feeling shit, isolated etc WHATEVER.

Feeling like no one actually cares. Very close to just cancelling my birthday, I feel like a burden and a REAL inconvenience.

Peace out