Over did it – catch up

I’ve not posted for a week and that’s because I’ve been so busy, I haven’t really stopped until today. Its been great and I’ve been having a good time but I’ve totally over done it and I feel so awful today, so exhausted.

I’ll do a quick catch up of what I’ve been up too this week.

Wednesday – I don’t really remember much from this day as its so long as. But I remember I had to stay in for someone to come and lower my shower pole, so I can now reach it when sat on my shower stool. I rang up the RSPCA to get a voucher to get Harley Spayed and microchipped. I think I just relaxed and pottered about the flat, doing the housework and laundry.

Thursday – This day was SO long! I saw my bone doc in the morning and WOW that was a real shit appointment and I really despise her!

This was my FB status about it..

I really dislike my bone doc. She doesn’t listen and she doesn’t care! I asked for my whole condition/symptoms to be reviewed and she kept asking me what I meant… If I want my hyper mobility looked into I have to ask my gp to refer me to some genetic place in Southampton… She wasn’t really clear about this.

She’s still banging on about coming off steroids… So in a few weeks after my blood results today I get to start azathioprine and it that goes well then she wants to start lowering steroids again…

My bloods are all negative and have been for ages but it doesn’t explain my constant sinus infection, the chronic pain and fatigue…
And she just put the burst blood vessel in my finger down to steroids and again she didn’t even take a close look, she just glanced at it.
I really dislike her.

But I didn’t write that she wanted to examine me, which is fine and I am totally used to that. So I took off my jumper and jeans but she asked me to take my off so she could listen to my chest…I refused too as she can listen to my chest without me being completely undressed. She did listen to my chest with my top still on but that’s not the point, she was totally out of order. She’s knows I’m trans and she obviously has no understanding and no desire to understand. Needless to say my gender dysphoria was horrific afterwards.

After that I headed straight to group, which was cool as usual 🙂

http://www.dorsetmind.org.uk/

I went and had fuzzy hair cut an styled, so I look much better now 🙂 I always feel so good after a haircut.

Met L and Boo Boo in town for a bit and then took Boo Boo home with me. Got home, sorted out Boo’s stuff, played with him for a bit, cooked us dinner, took pups for a wee, played a bit more and then put Boo to bed. I just spent the evening relaxing and watching tv.

Friday – Albert had me up early, so we went into the lounge and I put frozen on for him and I napped on the sofa for a bit, I wasn’t ready to be up at 7 am! But after that I was totally ready and we both had breakfast, Frozen was put on for a 2nd time and then we both had a shower an got dressed.

Took the pups for a quick wee and run around, which Boo Boo had fun playing with the pups. Dropped the pups home and Boo’s pushchair and walked over to the park, where we played for about an hour. I had to then bribe him into walking to a shop I needed to go to, I said I’d buy him chocolate if he left the park.

We just chilled out in the afternoon, doing lots of colouring and watching Disney films, he really got into Tangled which is one of my favourite films. I love Disney so I didn’t mind spending all afternoon watching them with Boo.

Boo and I had dinner and it was actually nice to have dinner with someone, rather then cooking for just myself. I did have to encourage him to eat it though, as he’s two and a half now and definitely asserting his right to say no, I don’t like it! Plus his taste buds are changing too, he’s gone from eating anything to very little, although he will eat chocolate all day every day lol.

We chilled out after dinner, playing with his dinosaurs and cars. He then asked me to read his book so he could go to bed, it was so sweet. Again in the evening I just spent clearing up and then relaxing.

Saturday – Boo had me up at 7:30 am..wanting to watch Frozen again! While he was doing that I had a little sleep on the sofa, as I do not do early mornings.

Again he wanted a shower with me and when we got dressed we both had Batman t-shirts on 🙂 Took the pups for a wee and a run across the road, so Boo had fun playing with them. He’s so good with the dogs, its so cute.

Boo and I had some lunch, I got his stuff together and cleaned up a bit. Then got the bus and dropped him off with his dad’s family, as L was still really ill and needed a little more time to recover.

I went over to see L and Harvey and as soon as I walked in Harvey was showing me his minecraft and what he’s been building, which is pretty cool actually. I took Arnie around the block for a quick walk and wee.

Headed home and while I was sat on the bus I had a migraine start…and I didn’t have any sumatriptan left!! While I was walking home, through town I nipped into the chemist and bought some sumatriptan, got in and stripped off, got into my pjs, took my Tramadol and got into bed. I hate migraines so much, all I can do is sleep when I get one.

I slept for an hour, I then had dinner, got a shower, got dressed into my new fancy shirt and jeans, took the pups for a quick wee and then E picked me up for J’s birthday party.

It was such a good night, I talked to loads of new people. I even got into a club without being asked for I.D which is great as I don’t have I.D lol!

Sunday – I got up quite early considering I got to sleep quite late. Did my usual morning stuff, got me and the pups ready and got the bus over to L’s.

We spent all day there which was cool, I went out and got some food shopping, I took the pups around the block for a wee. Then chilled out for a bit as I was so achy, probably because I was really tired. Then Harvey and I took the pups down to the park for an hour, he rode his bike as he wanted to show me how well he can do it now. So that was cool just spending some time with me and him, gave L a chance to have a lil snooze. When dinner was ready I sorted it all out. Afterwards I fixed the nob on her slow cooker as she’d managed to melt it…yeah don’t ask lol!

I think I left about half 8 pm, got home and jumped in the shower, got into bed and was sound asleep by 10:40pm.

Monday – I woke up quite early, ate a packet of jaffa cakes and got back into bed until lunch time…I totally needed it. Did the housework and laundry, took the pups for a wee. Sorted out my meds for the week, sorted out my list of what’s going on for the week. Then in the evening I went to the Breakfree trans group social. Which as always was a good laugh, even if it was just the 3 of us lol.

Today – I woke up this morning and I didn’t feel good, I hurt all over, I felt weak and tired, my nose was all blocked. So I just had some breakfast and went back to bed until lunchtime.

Dragged myself into the shower, then got dressed and took the pups for a wee but it started raining, so we came back and I got into my joggy bottoms, as I was still so achy and feeling delicate. Spent the afternoon catching up with X-files and Gotham, while I went through the box of Lego Harvey gave me. Most of it was just random bits and fake Lego, so chucked that out and I was left with a handful of real Lego bits. I then decided to sort through my Lego into bags of their colours.

I did go out for a bit to get electric and to pay my rent, I needed to stretch my legs a bit. Also went to Asda chemist to re-order more meds.

Just been relaxing this evening, had dinner, ordered my food shopping and caught up with emails and stuff.

How do I feel right now? I’m exhausted, I’m achy and I do feel frustrated with all my health crap because it gets my down so much. I feel ok-ish just a bit low but nothing I can’t handle.

Tomorrow I am meeting my Nan and Grandad for the first time since I wrote “that” letter. I’m a bit nervous about it especially as I’m physically not feeling great and not on top form. I’m sure it will be ok…

The mothership text me the other day and asked if she was seeing my for my birthday (which is next week) and I just said I don’t know and she said ok. To be honest no I don’t want to see her but she’s not getting the hint. Whatever though.. she’s a stress I don’t need in my life right now. She’s a negative influence in my life, that sounds awful as she gave birth to me, but regarding me emotionally she hasn’t put an ounce of anything into me. Yes I was always, fed, clothed and had a roof over my head but my emotional needs were never met. Anyway its just a complicated situation and I don’t want her in my life.

Little Harley is booked in this Friday to get spayed and chipped 😦 got to starve her from 8 pm Thursday night. Going to miss her, she’s not been away from me since I’ve had her.

Overall I have been doing ok considering everything I deal with on a daily basis, it is a struggle and it is hard. But I keep pushing through cuz daddy didn’t raise no quitter!

As usual I do have loads of pictures but I shall do that in a separate post.

Peace out

Batman

Chronic pain and fatigue

Days like today just reinforces my limitations of daily life. Yesterday was great fun but today I could barely drag my body around. All my anger towards this illness surfaces on days like today and I’ve got to try and “deal/process” it which is incredibly hard, especially as I’ve had zero emotional support surrounding my physical health issues.

Before I carry on I’ll have a quick update about the last few days.

Sunday – Didn’t really do anything just slept a lot, I was hurting from head to toe. I did go to my brothers for a few hours for dinner, which was nice. When I got home I spent a little time on the laptop but then spent the rest of the evening playing Lego Jurassic world.

Monday – I struggled to get going in the morning, I managed to drag myself around to do the housework and have a shower. Just in time for my friend to drop her boy over, for some boy time. We took the pups out for a quick wee, went and got some biscuits and then spent the rest of the time watching cartoons 🙂 which is a morning well spent in my mind.

In the afternoon I met L and the boys, went for a short walk. It was too cold to go far. They spent the rest of the day at mine, we played with the pups, watched Frozen and did some colouring. It was so much fun, I love playing with the pups an Albert. Harvey is much harder to engage with, as all he wants to do is either play on my ps3 or play fight, which he’s starting to get far to big for now. He’s nearly 9 and getting taller and stronger, he has no interest in colouring in, or anything where you have to sit and use your imagination. I really want to find something I can get him to engage with, as otherwise I feel like he’s a bit left out. He just ends up playing by himself in his own world, but it’s such repetitive play, just the same thing over and over every single time he comes round and even when he’s at home. Its just finding something that’s not play fighting or gaming related to get him to do something else. Its really difficult because when I ask him what he wants to do, he doesn’t really know. He does have potential to do whatever he wants its just unlocking it and finding him a hobby or a different form of play. Autism is complicated, but I will not be beaten and I will get inside his lil brain to unlock him. It fascinates me so much and I really want to help get him involved when we are all playing, I want to get him included but its hard when he won’t join in.

Anyway they left about nearly an hour before I was leaving to go to my trans group social. Which was good as usual 🙂

So back to today, I woke up at 8 am had a pee and went back to sleep until half 10. I still felt really tired and so achy, as I’d ran out of Tramadol and needed to pick my prescription up from the chemist.

I barely managed to get a shower and get dressed. I dragged myself across the road to let the pups run around, I just sat on the bench watching them. I just couldn’t walk around, my whole body felt heavy and slow.

Dropped the pups home and dragged my ass down to the shop to pick up my Tramadol and got a few other bits I needed. While I was in there, I suddenly felt this weird feeling in one of my fingers, if felt like it was about to explode…it was just a burst blood vessel. So I now have a very swollen and bruised finger..urgh.

I just spent all afternoon relaxing, I did try and sleep but I just couldn’t! Which was fucking annoying, I was tired enough for a sleep but I was just in too much pain. I couldn’t get comfortable, I couldn’t relax enough 😦 stupid painsomina.

Just been binge watching things I’ve recorded on sky, whilst playing fetch with Scrappy and the laser pen with both of them, also been playing with the cats. I just sit on the floor and they all surround me 🙂 I love it. They make days like today a bit easier to deal with…well along with some cookies!

I don’t have much planned for tomorrow either, I have to wait in for someone to come and lower my shower pole for me. Its too high for me to reach when I’m sat on the stool and I can’t raise my arms above my head for too long.

I still feel extremely exhausted so another day of rest is probably a good plan. I don’t get too bored staying in these days, mainly because of the dogs but I’ve really got into gaming and all my Lego I have now. I have more hobbies and things I like to to, whereas in the past I hated being bored because I never knew what to do, I didn’t have much to do. I’m able to focus myself more now into a specific task. I hate being bored, it really effects my mood and makes it really low.

 Both my babies have bandanna’s now 😀 they look so cute!

Anyway that’s all for now, I need to rest my eyes from this screen.

Peace out

Batman

Tired and achy but feeling happy

Right now I’m too tired to write but I am too tired to move and do anything else… I’m just glad I got through another stressful week with minimal damage.

I’m still not feeling any better then I felt on Thursday, still exhausted, achy, snotty and chesty. I can’t wait to see the nurse tomorrow and get some antibiotics for a bit of relief.

Today my arm and hand that I fractured last year has been so achy today, my thumb is the worst it proper hurts. May need to wear the splint for a bit as a bit of support. But I’ll talk to the nurse about it tomorrow.

Friday I spent relaxing and looking after my needs, which I totally needed. I took the pups out for a walk, it was windy and raining but it was actually quite nice. Not one single person was down where we walked, felt like the only person in the world. Loved feeling the wind and rain on my face, made me feel alive. The pups needed a good run around as they’d not been out since last weekend. After I just spent some time watching TV and then played on the PS3 until dinner. I had gammon for dinner with dumplings and veg, it was so nice and even though my appetite is better I’ve not put on any weight, so I’m well happy with that, I’m still 8st 13lbs.

Saturday L and boo came over and spent the day and mine. It was a good day, me and boo played with trains and cars. We did try and go for a walk but it was so so windy down there and boo was tired so we didn’t go far. Boo fell asleep before we got home, so L and I watched Legend and I made more cheese biscuits mmmmmmm 🙂

After they left I had a little sleep because I was tired and in pain. I made myself dinner and played on the PS3 for about 4 hours, which I love so much.

Today I struggled to get going, I was so tired and felt rough. Still wanted to go out and do something though, hate sitting about even when I do feel ill.

My friend F picked up me and the pups and we went to the beach for a walk. Again it was really windy but at least it was dry and the pups had great fun running around going all crazy.

F and Benny came back to mine for a bit, which was nice. I changed into my joggy bottoms and sat and the floor and Benny kept rubbing himself all over me lol, he’s so sweet and didn’t leave my side bless him.

After they left I chilled out for a bit and eventually I just couldn’t stay awake any longer and fell asleep for about a hour. Cooked myself another nice dinner again tonight, so chuffed that I got my eating back on track quite quickly.

How do I feel right now? Like previous posts, I feel tired, achy and not too well. But my mood has improved and I feel happier then I have done this week. That’s down to seeing my friends, taking the pups out, eating properly, resting and sleeping, oh and playing my games on the PS3 🙂

It’s been a hell of a few weeks and it’s totally mashed my head up, loads of things have been churned up by this benefits process and my continuing counselling etc. But as usual with the help of my friends I’ve managed to pick myself and carry on. Sometimes I wonder how/why I carry on but I do, life is precious and some people don’t have the choice of living their life. But I do and I choose to carry on and live it as best as I can.

 This is how I feel

 Scrappy at Baiter on Friday

 A wind swept Foxy

 Pups chasing each other

 Boo didn’t like the wind

 Playing with trains 🙂

 Muscle boys!

 Selfie 🙂

 Aw selfie ❤

 Pups down the beach

 Another wind swept Foxy running on the beach

 Scrappy loving the beach

 I love the beach in the winter.

Peace out

Batman

Living my life to accommodate an illness I hate

I don’t know even where to start 1 because I am SO tired and 2 because I have scrappy doodles staring at me, which is kinda off putting. He wants to play but I’ve already played fetch since I got home earlier, he’s so damn cute it’s distracting lol!

Anyway since my last post I don’t feel much better but well enough to go out and see people. I hate being stuck in, I get so bored and when I get bored it really effects my mood and makes me feel low.

Friday I was getting extremely bored by around 3 pm, but I felt too tired and weak to go out and do anything. Sometimes when I feel tired I just don’t know what to do with myself and I find it hard to settle down to do anything at all. But I eventually decided on making cheese biscuits, it’s time consuming but has a tasty result. I enjoy it as well, I’ve always loved baking and cooking since I was small.

After I had made my cheese biscuits I then felt much more settled in myself, I was still really tired but less restless I suppose you can say. I then was able to sit down and play Lego Dimensions and I played for hours. I love this game so so much! Cannot get enough of it. I get totally sucked into the game and lose track of everything, it’s such a great distraction and I played all evening. Such a rock and roll Friday night lol!

Saturday was good, L and the boys came over, although it wasn’t such a happy start as Harvey has been extremely naughty! So I had to have words again and boo licked and cheese biscuit and put it back and when I said that was dirty he kicked off at me, so they both went in a naughty spot! Lil sods. But eventually after they had calmed down and done their time outs we went to a kiddies play area.

It was great as this time Albert is older and big enough to do everything by himself, without having to follow him around and help him. So we just relaxed and chatted for most of the time, but to start with I did go in with boo and show him around, he soon went off and played on his own though…well until he came back for a drink and a person walked past in a Lemur costume and he said its a scary bear, he was so nervous and wouldn’t go back in until it had gone. It was so flipping cute though.

Man was it loud in there! Especially as it was a Saturday and there were about 4-5 parties going on as well. It was a bit of sensory overload for me and was a relief when I got out. I find it hard to concentrate and process things properly when I am in a situation where its loud, bright, colourful etc. I was ok but as I wasn’t feeling 100% it almost exaggerates it.

After we all came back to mine, so the boys could have their dinner before heading home. When they left I fell asleep on the sofa for about an hour but I so so needed it.

I tired to eat my child portion microwave meal but I couldn’t eat it all, I’ll come back to the subject of appetite soon. I still felt exhausted, achy and a bit under the weather. So I took the pups for a wee and then got us all snuggled up in bed and I watched the film Legend, which I cannot get enough of. It’s so good and they got paranoid schizophrenic spot on! A must watch.

Woke up feeling a bit better this morning, had a bit of breakfast and just chilled out. Got showered and dressed and took the pups out for a wee. When I got in I had some time to kill before going out to my friends, so I went for a nap for a hour. I definitely needed it, I just can’t get enough sleep right now.

I got myself on the train to my friends house, even though I’ve done this trip before, I felt so anxious. I just don’t like trains, they make me feel trapped and I am always worried about getting lost. This is going down in my Mindout Positive me journal as something that made me proud today 🙂

Had a good afternoon for Ravenoaks birthday, chilled out and chatted with everyone. Had some party food and even got cake!

Got dropped back to the train station and had to wait a bit for the train but that was ok, I’d rather be early then just on time.

The pups went insane when I walked through the door, scrappy cried and both were jumping all over me. Spent some time fussing over them and playing with them for a bit.

I did want to have a nap when I got in but I had other bits to do before chilling out.

So yeah that’s what I’ve been up too since my last post, it’s been good fun. I have struggled to get through it though, not because of my mood as that’s been alright. It’s been because of being sick on Wednesday and I’ve since struggled with my appetite…again.

Its so frustrating, just as I was back on track and eating properly, I get a set back. Some of it is because I am worried about being sick again and some of it is because my stomach is still a bit tender and I feel sick because I’m not eating properly and because I’m not eating properly I am just even more exhausted then I usually am, its such a vicious circle.

I find it so hard just to stop over thinking it and EAT! I have such a awful relationship with food anyway, which goes back to childhood and being forced to eat dinner even though I didn’t like it or wasn’t hungry. I’m not a foody person with a big appetite.

I know this will pass in time, its just such an annoying set back after all the hard work I put into eating better and properly. Its just like I have to work hard to do anything in my life, even simple things like eating. I can’t just eat, or I can’t just do anything without planning, or pacing myself, or whatever.

I just wish things were a bit simpler for me and I wish I didn’t have to live my life accommodating an illness that I just despise having. Having Granulomatosis with Polyangiitis not only causes me all the physical symptoms that I have but it also causes me so much emotional distress. It makes me angry, frustrated, down, depressed..etc but I get no emotional support for it. I got diagnosed at the age of 15 years old with this massive life changing condition and I got no help and I still don’t really and that in itself makes me really angry. Justifiably so as well because as I said I have to basically have to live my life around an illness that I do not want and hasn’t improved since my diagnosis.

Anyway I have eaten more today then I have since Wednesday, which is good and hopefully this will kick start my appetite back up again, as I certainly need a bit more energy.

I’m not looking forward to tomorrow afternoon, as someone is coming over from Diverse abilities to help me start my appeal for PIP, I just know its going to be so stressful and I just want it over with already. I know I can sort this and I will sort this because I am entitled to this money, I’m not a faker. I’m just emotionally, physically and mentally utterly exhausted and this is yet another battle to fight. It’s a pretty unnecessary fight as well because of our government, they are making it impossible for anyone to claim disability benefits, as they simply don’t want anyone on benefits…We won’t go down this road too far or I will just wind myself up even more.

Before this woman comes over, I have to do the housework as right now its a complete pit lol! and hasn’t been cleaned since Thursday. I feel extremely stressed already about tomorrow, definitely lots of mindfulness and relaxation is needed to get through and after I will have to do something nice to de-stress, like take the dogs out or play on the ps3 or have a sleep lol!

Going to wrap this up now as I’m tired and want to get to bed.

So how do I feel right now? I’m emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted. I’m feeling stressed about tomorrow but I know I will get it sorted and win my case. But I do feel ok and that’s ok.

Peace out

Batman

I love my friends <3

I am back, I’m feeling a bit more lively and a bit less mopey. It’s been a very long few weeks but hopefully this is the start of me feeling better.

My stomach has been loads better this week and I’ve been catching up on eating lol 🙂 but that’s good though, I needed to build myself back up again.

My friends have been really amazing this week and I am so so grateful for every single one.

On Thursday I spent the whole day with L and the pups. Harvey was at school and Albert was at nursery 🙂 so it was nice just to chill and have some adult time. We watched some films and just chilled really but, even just simple things like that makes all the difference.

L picked up Albert from nursery and I went to pick up Harvey from school 🙂 which was cool.

L cooked us all dinner too, which I needed, as I’d not eaten properly for a while.

I left just after the boys went to bed, when I got home, I got my meds, a drink, a snack, my hot water bottle and let the cats in the bedroom too and snuggled in bed with all my fur babies and I was fast asleep by 10:30 pm.

Friday I woke up at 5:30 am…but I had slept well for 7 hours. I just chilled out for a bit, hoping I would go back to sleep for a bit, but I didn’t. So I cleaned up a bit, got myself showered and dressed and by 8 am I was out with the pups, we went for a walk down Baiter. It was really nice, I saw a rainbow and got some great pictures.

On my way home I went to my friends shop and picked up her dog Lolly for a play date for the day. I did try and have a nap after my walk, I couldn’t sleep though but I did just rest for an hour.

I felt a bit restless all day long, I couldn’t settle on any one thing. But I felt ok other wise. Just spent the day pottering around the flat and playing with all the dogs and cats 🙂

I dropped lolly home in the evening and S and her family invited me up for dinner which was nice 🙂 I had nice snuggles with baby JJ and Lolly was wanting me to play too. It was nice just to chill out with friends and be looked after a lil bit ❤

I got home to my happy puppies and kitties, took the pups out for a wee and then snuggled up in bed like I did Thursday night. It was really nice not to have to inject myself and put that crap into my body! Felt nervous about it but good too.

Saturday was the first time in 15 years that I didn’t wake up with a methotrexate hangover! I didn’t feel tired and groggy, I just felt like I normally do in the morning.

I just sat watching cartoons for most of the morning, then decided to get my butt up and do the housework. Despite the rain I got my waterproofs and welly boots on and took the pups out for a walk, it was great fun 🙂

I got home and did myself some actual dinner, only scrambled eggs on toast but at least I cooked something.

Two of my lady friends took me out, we went to Flirt for the evening but it was really nice to get out with some lovely friends.

After getting home, I took the pups for a wee, took my meds and fell asleep pretty much straight away.

So we are all caught up to today, which is Sunday.

I’ve felt pretty tired all day and all I’ve done is eat, sleep and watch cartoons. I just couldn’t get going but I think where I’ve not slept well all week, it’s all caught up with me. I don’t mind spending the day the way I have done because some days I just need to sleep, rest and eat.

I am feeling so so grateful to all my friends who’ve been there for me this week 🙂 either physically or just through messages. I am feeling so much better for having my needs met from everyone, it was definitely needed. I cannot express enough have important and how much everyone has helped me, even the smallest of things has been brilliant, argh I can’t even explain what I mean lol. I am so so so grateful and I love all my friends ❤

So yeah I am back on track to feeling a bit better. I have emailed someone who knows all about my condition, who works for a charity, who will hopefully be able to help me be seen in a different hospital by an actual proper specialist. I am so excited about this, I just hope things work out!

Um so yeah, just staring at the laptop now, my brain has switched off. Not much planned tomorrow, I do need to get some bloods done, so I may go do that. We shall see how tomorrow pans out. I just can’t wait until Tues when I get paid so I can go and do something and get on with xmas shopping.

Peace out

Batman

Some pictures of the past 2 weeks

IMAG7371 IMAG7376 IMAG7379  Cool Lego

IMAG7380

IMAG7386 IMAG7388 Me and my gorgeous babies

IMAG7399Chilling in bed with my furkids

IMAG7400 My new shower stool, so helpful, love it.

IMAG7402 Snuggles with Harley

IMAG7417 IMAG7420 More cool Lego 🙂

IMAG7430 Foxy and Scrappy having snuggles

IMAG7435 Happy foxy girl in bed 🙂

IMAG7442New Adventure time t-shirt, totally rocking it!

IMAG7450 L and the boys at the beach in Hamworthy

IMAG7452 IMAG7454 My pups love the beach

IMAG7456 My sand castles (before scrappy knocked them all down lol)

IMAG7460 Albert chowing down on his dinner

IMAG7463 Arnie keeping warm after a bath in foxy’s hoodie, he’s so cute

IMAG7469 My very tired baby girl

IMAG7473 Ablert in my shoes lol

IMAG7482 Messy boys had fun painting

IMAG7491 IMAG7495 Boys enjoying their roast that I cooked us all

IMAG7537 Rocking my new hoodie 🙂 feeling pretty fly

IMAG7543 Someone got tired so hitched a ride in my backpack lol

IMAG7552 IMAG7554 IMAG7555  Some mandala’s I’ve doneIMAG7556 My babies being too cute

IMAG7560 Cool Lego Robot! Also made into a car and space shuttle

IMAG7575 Me with my new walking stick

IMAG7580

IMAG7607 Penguins 🙂

IMAG7613 Loved this dude!

IMAG7616 Harvey looking at the turtles

IMAG7621 So beautiful

IMAG7624 The best picture I could get of them both lol 🙂

IMAG7634 Boo telling me all about the sharks above us 🙂

IMAG7681 Happy Leo enjoying his time with his uncle Dyll

IMAG7692 My new adult colouring book

IMAG7703 Cool new crystals

IMAG7704 IMAG7705 IMAG7707 Doing some colouring in, in bed surrounded by my babies 🙂

IMAG7709 A little bit of a doodle

IMAG7710 IMAG7711  Some more mandala’s I’ve done

IMAG7716 Someone looks like she’s up to mischief lol

IMAG7717 The start of my first full A4 piece

IMAG7731 Harvey at the park on our boys day

IMAG7739 Another little picture I did, as I got stuck on my bigger picture

IMAG7741 Lego space shuttle

IMAG7752 Bedtime for my gorgeous babies

IMAG7762 Mine and L’s tattoos lol 😀 love it so so much

IMAG7772 Harley loves her little house

IMAG7782 Foxy girl says Hi 🙂

IMAG7785 Finished picture 🙂 love this one.

IMAG7792  Finished 🙂 my first full A4 picture, took 5 days to complete, loved this one too.

IMAG7793 Good morning scrappy doodles

IMAG7794 Morning snuggles with Harley

IMAG7797 But DADDDD its not too early to start playing fetch! PLEASE throw my turtle, look how cute I am!

IMAG7798 Harley looking rather evil lol

IMAG7801 Copying daddy stretching out on the sofa

IMAG7805 Pups heading to the park together 🙂

IMAG7809 Haha boo boo trying so hard to break his stick! had sound effects and everything lol

IMAG7814 Boo boo giving Foxy girl gentle kisses

IMAG7817 Harvey playing with the pups

IMAG7823 Foxy girl watching tv 🙂

IMAG7827 Sunday Selfie of this handsome boy lol

IMAG7828 She’s sooo tired she fell asleep with her butt in the air lol

IMAG7832 Arnie and Foxy having snuggles

IMAG7833 Feeding time at the zoo lol

IMAG7837 IMAG7838 Snuggles with my babies

IMAG7842 Marley always sits in front of me and just stares lol

IMAG7846 My gorgeous Harley Quinn looking at herself in my phones camera lol

Well that’s just a peek of my life in pictures over the last few weeks 🙂 it’s been busy but fun. All my passion and love are in these pictures ❤

Peace out

Batman

Pretty Perfect Sunday

I’m so tired I could fall asleep right now, I keep zoning out lol. But I shall write before bed time to get everything out.

For the 5 and a bit hours I did sleep last night, I slept solidly. I would have been asleep sooner but there was a guy who was hanging about outside the flats from 11 pm until about 2 pm, shouting up for someone who lives in the building and kept buzzing up too. So annoying, but the trouble is I couldn’t call 999 because it isn’t an emergency and the non emergency 101 takes AGES to get through too. I’ll be making a complaint to the housing tomorrow, I do every time this happens. Why this woman is still living in this building is beyond me, she’s always bringing her alcoholic, drug addict mates around or they are always looking for her. Pisses me off!

I was up by 7:30 am, had breakfast and chilled out. I sat and finished off my first picture in my adult colouring book and entered it into a competition on a group on fb, I didn’t win but it was still fun. The pictures theme was the sea and it was a full A4 page, I’ve only coloured in mandala’s before, so this was quite a big task 🙂 it took me 5 days to complete it. I did a smaller picture in between because I got stuck on the bigger one. I can’t wait to do another one 🙂 I’m really enjoying it.

Got myself and the pups ready and we left by 10 am, but got chatting for a bit to a couple with a really sweet Yorkie 🙂

Eventually we got to L’s lol! Scrappy couldn’t get into L’s flat quick enough, we got off the bus and he pretty much dragged me there lol. Arnie was happy to see his buddies 🙂

L put the bubble machine on and the pups when crazy, especially foxy girl. She loves bubbles so much 🙂

Took the pups to the park for a bit, while dinner was cooking. It was really nice, talked to lots of people, played with other dogs, played a bit of football 🙂

The park trip didn’t end well though, scrappy got into a bit of a scrap with another bigger dog. This dog went for scrappy because he was playing fetch and thought scrappy was going to take his ball but scrappy was playing with the football and he didn’t go near this dog, the dog ran into where scrappy was playing. Anyway now he’s got a lil patch of fur on his ear missing, his mouth on the right is a little swollen and both of his front paws have damaged pads and they are so sore for him to walk on, so I had to carry him back to L’s. The guy that owned the dog, didn’t help stop the scrap, didn’t apologise or even stop to see if scrappy was ok. He wasn’t a dangerous dog, he was a border collie and a young one at that. I know what dogs are like with balls, scrappy gets the same way but he could have at least stopped.

Pups were pooped when we got back and all crashed out. I watched The Boxtrolls with the boys while L sorted out the dinner.

Dinner was finally ready and it was so so nice 🙂 very much needed. I love a good roast dinner and it’s even better when someone else has cooked it for me :p probably the only dinner I ever really look forward too.

Chilled out on the sofa after dinner, watched the film Coraline 🙂 I took boo to the shop to get some chocolate fingers for pudding, ah yum.

I got myself and the pups ready to leave after the film, I didn’t want to get home too late. L and the boys came out with me to take Arnie for a wee wee, I ended up carrying Scrappy to the bus stop because he was limping on his paws, they must have been so sore walking on the pavement.

The cats greeted us when we got home, the pups flopped onto the sofa and pretty much haven’t moved since and neither have I lol.

We’ve been chilling tonight, watching CSI Vegas, we had a little snuggle too. I feel all snuggly and tired tonight but it’s a good sort of tired.

I’ll sleep well tonight, well providing no drunk idiots are outside. I’m not doing anything until about 4 pm tomorrow, so my plan is to chill in my pjs for most of the day, start a new picture and just relax and catch up on sleep too.

I’m going to do a separate post of pictures that I’ve taken the past few weeks, there’s a fair few lol.

Peace out

Batman

plan is to chill in my pjs for most of the day, start a new picture and just relax and catch up on sleep too.

I’m going to do a separate post of pictures that I’ve taken the past few weeks, there’s a fair few lol.

Peace out

Batman

Writing helps me make sense of my brain

I was going to post some pictures of the last few weeks but my laptop is being so slow! and it’s really irritating so I shall try again tomorrow.

Feeling much better today, I think writing yesterday really helped me to work through everything that was going through my head. It got it all out an I have things that I can work on to help.

I actually slept well last night 🙂 probably for the first time in a while.

Woke up with really achy legs, my leg muscles are always so so sore the day after I do my injection 😦 but they didn’t feel better until I had a little nap.

Got myself showered and dressed and on days like this I am so grateful of my shower stool because there was no way I could of had a shower without sitting this morning, my legs hurt too much.

Didn’t feel confident enough to take my stick out with me today even though I should have. I managed without it ok though.

I met L and the boys in town, L treated me to a tattoo 🙂 I love it so much and I so needed a bit of pain therapy! Was good fun

After we slowly made our way back to L’s picked up the pup and went to the park for a few hours, which was good.

Headed back to mine, all my furkids were happy to see me 🙂

Did the house work, so I don’t have to do it tomorrow. Went and got stuff to make dinner with next week and picked up my prescription.

Just been relaxing this evening watching CSI Vegas and playing with my furkids 🙂

Having a nice roast dinner tomorrow at L’s so looking forward to that, can’t beat a good roast.

Think I am going to do a little bit of colouring in my book before getting myself to bed.

11873967_10155854556405456_1074638198_n our tattoo’s 🙂

Peace out

Batman

Stuck

It’s been nearly a whole week since I have sat down to write properly, I usually like sitting down to write but this past week I’ve either been too tired or I’ve just not felt like it. I’m only writing tonight because I’m not feeling too good at the moment, mood has crashed and my dark passenger is walking near. I’m struggling.

Hmm quick catch up I suppose…

Saturday – I had Leo for most of the day, L and the boy’s came down in the afternoon and we all went to a little park near me and spent the afternoon there. My bro picked up Leo and stayed at the park for a bit. L fed the boys at mine before heading home. Just chilled in the evening.

Sunday – Slept until midday, I definitely needed it. Had a shower and got myself ready, spent the afternoon at my brothers, had dinner, played Lego with Jack. Had a good time. Chilled out in the evening.

Monday – I chilled out, cleaned the flat, spent 3 hours colouring in my new adult colouring book, went to the trans* group social in the evening, which was good.

Tuesday – Had a boys day with Harvey, spoilt him a bit but had good fun hanging out with him. Chilled in the evening.

Wednesday –  Didn’t get much sleep because I was so sore and achy. Woke up feeling like utter crap. So just stayed in and slept. I did manage to clean up a bit.

Back to today Thursday – Actually slept ok-ish last night, was up at 7 am did the usual morning things, was out by just gone 9 am. M picked me up to take me to a meeting for Mindout. Meeting went ok. Met L and the boy’s for a bit before group.

Group was good, had some commissioner people come in wanting to know what we thought about the mental health services, as they know it’s flawed to say the least. It was SOOOO good to be able to get it all off my chest and there will be a opportunity to help reform the mental health services, which I really want to do because it is so flawed and people have died as a result.

Met L and the boys for a bit after group. I headed home, got dinner on the way as I’d forgotten to put my dinner in the slow cooker before I left this morning.

Just been relaxing this evening, tried to do some colouring, couldn’t really get into it though, so gave up and started on this instead. Going to get to bed after this, I feel that crap that the best thing I can do is just go to bed.

I found out today that a fellow blogger died over a year ago now. She’s been on my mind in that time but for some reason today she was more so and I read the comments on her last blog and yeah a few people wrote R.I.P and stuff. She had bipolar but was very tormented by the loss of her baby and she never ever came back from that trauma. In some way I’m pleased she’s now no longer in the awful awful pain she was in every day, but just so so sad that nothing helped. No amount of medication, therapy, counselling etc, nothing helped her move on. I just hope that now she’s at peace with her baby boy ❤

My health has been it’s usual crap this week, been really achy, really sore leg muscles, felt a bit sick a few times, really tired. Usual shit, I can’t wait for my appointment with my new bone doc next week. I want off this fucking methotrextate, I want my condition to be looked at again and look into either another diagnosis or whatever. I just want some fucking answers as to why this yr has been so shit and I’ve gone down hill. I think this is part of where my anger is coming from.

Mentally not been doing great, just been faking it really because I’ve worked so hard to get to two yrs self harm free and to be as stable as I have been and I really don’t want it all to fuck up now. Because I will fucking hate myself for it and I will be so disappointed in myself and if I do cut, if I do fall to pieces it will be like starting all over again from the start and I just haven’t got the strength to do that. But neither can I carry on like this. I don’t know what to do. I’m irritable and angry, they are BIG warning signs that something is going to kick off. Like FUCK do I want to up the fucking quetiapine! I HATE THAT SHIT! I’m stuck. I don’t know how to get this all out without it being totally destructive. Constructive ways feel like it’s not getting it all out properly and it feels trapped. I feel trapped. But good old me has got this because I fucking have too!

I’m fucking done, I need to go to sleep

Peace out

Walking stick user

Well starting this a bit earlier tonight in hopes I get to bed a bit earlier and maybe I shall sleep right through.

I slept ok-ish last night, until I got to about 5 am and that is when I usually wake up but still really tired and I try and go back to sleep. But today like most days I give up and get up about 8 am. I’ve given up on fighting it now, I’m doing everything I can to get to sleep and stay asleep and I’m really not keen on taking medication to help me sleep as I hate the drowsy feeling. I’m hoping it will get better in time..

My bro text me this morning to see if I could watch Leo while he went and had his hair cut, so I got myself showered and dressed, then met them in town. We hung out for a bit and looked in a few shops and stuff, went back to his to drop his shopping back. My bro offered to drop me and the pups to L’s so he dropped me to mine to I could run up and get my stuff and the pups, we swung by and picked up my other nephew Jack Jack from his mummy’s, he was excited to see the pups. Then was dropped off at L’s 🙂 which was much better then getting a bus.

Before L and I headed out with the boys we took the pups out for a quick run and wee. I was giving Harvey clues about where we were going today, took him a while but he guessed it eventually lol.

We spent a few hours at the Oceanarium 🙂 I love it there so so much and they have a new enclosure there of penguins, they were so cool! They made so much noise lol. They’ve changed it around a bit and they have new fish and stuff there which was really cool. We watched the little turtles being fed and the sting rays being fed, that was really cool. Ah I just could spend all day in there 🙂 We all had good fun, boo loved it so much he cried when I said we had to leave bless him.

Spent some time in town, had lunch and looked in a few shops before heading back to L’s. The pups were urber excited to see us, scrappy could barely contain himself lol, I didn’t stay long though as I was tired and the bus trip takes ages.

The bus trip did take ages! and it was soooo hot on there. I was so glad to get home and have a proper sit down.

Skyped my bro and Jack Jack for a bit 🙂 which was funny. I was showing him all my instructions books of all the things I can make with my Lego, he was pretty impressed.

Just been relaxing this evening, had some dinner and watched tv.

I used my stick for most of the day when I was out, I didn’t feel too self conscious about it but I think that was because I was with my friend and we were out having fun. But it’s the first time I’ve used it all day and it’s really showed me how much I have been struggling along without it. It took a lot of pressure off my lower back and hips and had a bit less pain too, which makes my day much easier and more enjoyable. Still sucks I have to use it and the fact my health isn’t good right now etc… still processing all that. But I am glad I got it.

I am on uncle duties tomorrow 🙂 I’ve got Leo while my bro spends some time with Jack Jack, which will be nice for them. So looking forward to having my lil man.

I saw some cool colouring books today, adult ones that are based around mindfulness and stuff, so I’m going to get myself some in the week. I’m building up my box of stuff to do over the winter when it’s cold and I’m ill or too sore to go out too far. So I’ve got all my Lego, I’m going to get these cool colouring books, I’ve got some books on my kindle that I still need to read, got tons of loom bands and a book on how to make loom band animals and stuff so that’s cool. Not sure what else I could get to do, I want to try and get things that I will be able to do it mindfully 🙂 So that is my lil plan to keep myself safe through to winter months.

Anyway that’s all for now,

Peace out

Batman