Keeping busy during lock down

The last few days I’ve been pretty lazy and disconnected from life and not wanting to participate in life, which obviously hasn’t made me feel great.

My nose has been really stuffy the last few days and I think that’s because I’ve spent a lot of time laying down and sitting down. Which also isn’t good for my joints, I’ve been more achy then usual. Being on lockdown and having physical health and mental health issues is going to take a toll on both.

Today I got up at 9:30 am, did the housework, had breakfast, filled in my personal wellness journal, I had a delivery of food for the fur babies and cat litter which should hopefully keep them going for a while. I took the dogs for a wee, dropped them home and went to Asda as I needed to pay my rent and electric. I paid more then I usually do, so I don’t have to keep going out. I went to the pharmacy to pick up my medications and the line was pretty long but fair play to the staff working their asses off to make sure everyone gets what they need.

I weighed myself this morning and holy shit I got fat! I’ve been eating too much and being so freaking lazy! I’m 10st 12′ which is probably why my blood pressure is super high at the moment. I’ve decided I am going to loose this weight and usually once I’ve put my mind to something I will do it. I’ve started by intermittent fasting, which will hopefully help me to stop binge eating and eating when I’m bored. I’m also going to try exercise inside by doing a bit of Yoga, walking inside, using my weights.

I’m going to sit and write out a rough timetable of things to do everyday, so I don’t go insane lol! And so I make sure the fur babies and I are getting the stimulation we need, so our brains don’t turn to mush! I will share my rough timetable, which hopefully will give you guys some ideas of how to stay sane too.

I got myself Disney+ and NowTV Kids, along with Netflix and Amazon Prime I’m not short of things to watch. But I also need to get a balance of watching TV and having some quiet time to read, nap and listen too podcasts. I find I write better with the TV on which is weird.

I think before this day is out I may shave my hair lol! As going to the barbers isn’t essential and my hair is already starting to look a bit wild. I need to trim my facial hair and sort my eyebrows out lol! I will not look like a caveman at the end of this lock down! hahaha.

One thing that I am have done today is to keep my windows open, so I have some fresh air coming through, so I don’t feel so claustrophobic. It’s also good for your lungs and mental health to have a flow of fresh air, when stuck inside.

I’m definitely feeling much better today and I think actually getting up and doing stuff has helped.

I may write more a bit later,

Peace out

Zak

Birthday Boy!

As I said in my blog the other day, I’ve been struggling to sit down and concentrate and a lot of that is because I’ve had a case of ‘I can’t be bothered’ been feeling a bit low, stressed and tense. I’ve withdrawn myself from life a bit, withdrawn from people and from doing anything at all. It’s been a huge struggle to get up and do the most basic of things.

I’ve been a bit depressed and a bit lazy but I am going to try my best to get out and do stuff.

Anyway, last week 2nd March, was my 35th Birthday! Which is insane! 5 years until I’m 40! WTF LOL!

I had a really great week, on my actual birthday I had two friends over and we had pizza and cake! Which was awesome. Thursday my friend and I went to Brighton for the day which was so much fun, we went to the aquarium and wow I loved it there! I love Brighton so much. On the Saturday my two friends came down for the weekend, we ate loads, drank, watched movies and chilled.

It was a really great birthday week, I am so grateful for all the people I shared my birthday with. I was a bit worried about this birthday as its the first without the 2 big friendships I’ve had over the years, so I was worried that I wouldn’t have anyone to do anything with.

I thought I’d share some pictures of my birthday week

Safe to say I took a billion pictures at the aquarium lol!

I was in such a different place when I turned 30, I’d just come out as trans, I was surrounded by different people, good and bad friendships. I’m now 2 1/2 years on testosterone, nearly 7 months post op top surgery, I have a very different friend circle. Things are not perfect, I’m still figuring stuff out but I am slowly becoming the person I want to be and I will continue to change and grow.

That’s all for now, as I am struggling to feel connected to what I’m writing so it doesn’t feel quite right. So I’m going to stop.

Peace out

Zak

A quick catch up

Just looking at when I last wrote and it was nearly 3 weeks ago, which feels like forever. I’ve struggled to sit down and concentrate mainly because I’ve been so exhausted but I’ve also been really struggling with disassociation, sometimes when I sit down I just feel frozen in place and I just cannot move, its so weird. It’s like part of my brain has just switched off but a tiny voice is still aware and awake, screaming at me but its too quiet to wake the rest of my brain up. It’s really frustrating as I have no control, so I try not to sit down to much so I’m not loosing chunks of time. But its not realistic, as much as its frustrating and makes me feel a big agitated I’m just letting it happen because it makes it worse if I fight against it. My brain is clearly just trying to protect me from something, I’m sure I’ll figure it out what.

That’s kinda where I’m at right now, still a bit depressed I think, which I have a real time accepting. Which makes the depression worse, I bully myself so much and I think as it was my birthday last week that exacerbated how I was already feeling as birthdays bring up so much stuff, which I’ll go more into in another post. Just writing this first to get the brain working and fired up lol!

It’s been really hard work to get myself organised and get stuff done as my brain is so foggy and so forgetful. Thoughts and stuff aren’t quite clear and sometimes don’t really make sense and aren’t in any order, which is making organising myself and my life pretty tricky. That plus my fatigue has been crappy as well, most days I’m not getting up and out till way past 12 pm but I’m trying not to be so hard on myself about it and just go with it. Although I do feel there’s a fine line between being lazy and resting and I’m not sure where that line even is at the moment.

I’m sure things will be less hazy soon, I kinda feel like I’m traipsing through thick, sticky mud and every task, every thought, just everything feels so heavy and so difficult. But I keep pushing through this mud, keep trying to find the beauty in every day, keep trying to smile and laugh every day. Its super hard, but I’ve been through this before, I know it passes, I know I will feel better eventually.

I’m still doing the weird breath holding thing, some days are worse then others. It’s starting to get frustrating as I can’t fix it. I think maybe its because I have things inside that have been left unsaid and I need to get them out. I need to write out some stuff out, not to post but to either pass on to the people I need to get stuff out too or just to get stuff out as a way of releasing it. I know its probably anxiety as well but deep routed as I don’t feel anxious. It probably doesn’t make sense but doesn’t make much sense to me lol.

I think I lost myself a little bit, I am changing and growing faster then can keep up with. But its been cool exploring new stuff, what sparks joy and passion and what doesn’t and who sparks joy and who doesn’t too. I do know I want to explore more, have more adventures, my confidence has grown so much and I am way more capable then I gave my self credit for. But I think that has a lot to do with leaving behind friendships where it was probably a bit codependent and just ended up being no good for anyone, not just me. I feel more free now, I don’t feel like life is on hold.

That’s all for this post but I have WAY more stuff to ramble on about lol! But I shall break it all down into different blogs.

Peace out

Zak

Clocks change confusion…and a catch up

Ahh the clocks have gone back an hour and thrown me completely. When I woke up this morning my phone had 8 am and my alarm clock has 9 am… I didn’t know which one was right lol. It’s nearly 10 pm and it feels so late, even though it’s not.

Just a quick update really, as I want to go to bed soon. I start a new course tomorrow called mindful living πŸ™‚ so really looking forward to that.

Wednesday – Didn’t do much really, I went out and had a scaffold piercing done, got myself a new comic and went to see my friend in the sweet shop, chatted with her for a bit which was nice. Just relaxed all evening.

Thursday – I saw my specialist in the morning, I had to get a chest x-ray done while I was there. She wants me to stay on the steroids every other day at the moment, which I’m not 100% happy about.. but she’s only seen me twice now. But she is sorting out a bone density scan to check me for the early start of osteoarthritis and also I need to see my GP to check my calcium and vit D to see if I need to take tablets for it.

I made group only 20mins late, so that wasn’t bad. I didn’t miss anything really so that was good. Group was really good πŸ™‚ had a guy talking about Vita Nova group and I am really interested in doing the art and creative writing group. So I am going to look into that πŸ™‚

Friday – I did the housework, made some cakes, took the pups across the road for a wee and a run a few times. Did the paper work for my P.I.P form, watched tv, slept quite a bit and did some colouring.

Saturday – I did fuck all all day and I totally needed it. I slept all morning until 1 pm lol but I so needed it. I didn’t get dressed all day apart from like 20 mins when I took the pups for a wee and to get milk. H came over for the afternoon and we watched American Horror Story – Asylum as she’d not seen it before. After H left I spent the rest of the evening watching the rest of AHS and I did some more colouring. I felt so much better for not doing anything, I needed a few days to just rest.

Today started with the confusion with time lol but it’s ended well.

I did the housework this morning, got myself showered and dressed.

I spent the afternoon with L the boys and the pups πŸ™‚ which was cool, had fun messing about with the boys. Can’t believe how big they’ve both got! It’s crazy!

So that’s it for now, I’m feeling a bit happier then I have done πŸ™‚ I’m feeling really tired though, especially in the morning I find it really hard to get going because all I want to do is sleep in the morning until about midday.

I’m a bit chesty today, coughing up crap. So whatever I had before I had my teeth out has finally gone to my chest. I’ll see how it goes before I see my GP too soon.

I am really looking forward to starting this course tomorrow called mindful living, it’s 1 pm – 4 pm which means I have to leave here at 11:45 am. I am going to see how tomorrow morning goes and if I am feeling too tired then I am just going to sleep. I really need to pace myself and look after myself, these courses will come around again in the spring term.

My thoughts are saying that I am being lazy and that I just need to go and do this course. But my rational brain is saying see how you feel in the morning and decide then, no pressure, remember to pace yourself. I am going to listen to the rational side of my brain although the other side makes me feel guilty about not going. But this course is free and will have many others attending, so I won’t be letting anyone down…urgh I hate my brain sometimes. I do need to listen to my body too better then I already do.

ARGH! it’s all so complicated! I just want to be able to do what I want to do without thinking about it in depth!

Β New piercing

Β How me and my boy chill πŸ™‚

Β Chilling with my baby girl

Β Marley Moo loves chilling too πŸ™‚

Β My beautiful babies love playing in the leaves πŸ™‚

Β Yummy

Β A picture I coloured in from my new book the lost ocean

Β Harley suckling on my top lol

Β Aw me and Boo Boo πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman ❀

Happy boy :) catching up

Monday again! Last week was really busy and I was hoping to just chill all day today but I am currently on uncle duties watching lil Leo while my bro takes his gf to be sedated to have a tooth out. Leo is happily sat on the floor playing, so thought I’d get on my bro’s laptop and write as that’s what I was just about to do before he text me. But I love spending time with my lil chub (Leo) he’s so happy and easy to look after.

Thursday – I had a nice chilled out morning and headed out to group in the afternoon.

Group was good we went over the coming out model which is so interesting, can’t wait to go through the rest.

After group I met L and the boys at Flirt, I sorted through her post for her as she gets anxious opening her post so I said that once a week I would help her out. We had a quick look in a couple of shops and then we walked down to the sea front and we took turns in taking Harvey on a small roller coaster called crazy mouse. He was so scared to start with but once he did it one time he kept asking to go again and again lol.

After I got home I had some dinner and then took the pups out for a walk, I had to get up and go out before I fell asleep lol. But it was a really nice walk and they enjoyed it. I went to bed not long after we got in because I was just so tired.

Friday – Had a nice lazy morning, I slept for most of it. I really needed it after a long hot busy week.

I had something to eat, got dressed and headed out to the tattoo shop to get some more work on my back piece done. Ah it was so cool and needed, I love being tattooed. Can’t wait for my chest surgery so I can show it off when its all finished by walking around topless πŸ™‚ I stayed there for a bit chatting about my transition and how they perform the operations and how hormones will change me etc and they all said that I seem much happier now, it’s cool they notice what I feel.

I got home, cleaned up the flat and sorted the beds out for boo and Harvey. I had my dinner again which I am proud of myself about, it’s only a little bit of dinner but it is definitely a step up from just eating yoghurts all day.

L came with the boys and Arnie, she dropped off her bits and we sat across the road watching the pups playing and the boys had a run about. Got back and gave boo a quick bath before putting him down to sleep. I took Harvey down to the shop because I needed to get a bit of shopping and I bought him a magazine and some sweets. He went to bed not long after we got in as it was nearly 9 pm.

Finally L and I could just chill out, she wanted the side of her head shaved and I said I’d done it before….but didn’t tell her not from scratch lol! But it was good fun and I actually did a pretty good job if I do say so myself! It looks freaking awesome! L had a shower and then I tried to section off her hair as its pink, purple and blue and it all needed doing again. Felt like a barber lol, kept having to wash my hands because they were all sweaty.

We had a huge thunder storm! It started off further away and then it came and it was right over us, the thunder was so loud and the lightening was amazing! loads of fork lightening. It poured down with rain as well, it went on for about an hour or so. It was totally epic! just so huge. Non of the pups or Miss Marley were even bothered by it all lol, scrappy and arnie kept coming out on the balcony with us. I remembered that the bedroom window was open, so I kept checking to see if the boys were asleep and they were both sound asleep, didn’t make a peep lol. I love watching storms so much, so beautiful and scary at the same time.

I think we went to bed at nearer to 1 am, but it was a fun night πŸ™‚

Saturday – Boys got us up early lol, only about 8 am so not too bad. Just chilled out for half the morning. My friend W and her lil girl popped over to drop off my new kitty Harley, ah I fell in love straight away, she so teeny tiny and so vocal and just an utter lil stunner. Everyone had cuddles with her and I put her on the cat post up out of the way from the pups.

L got her and the boys ready as she wanted to look in a few shops in town, so she went out and did her bits first. I stayed to tidy up the flat a bit, got showered and dressed and then met her in town with the pups after she’d finished shopping.

We walked over to Baiter green and we sat there for a few hours, while the pups and the boys played about. We also went down to the sea for a paddle, scrappy went for a swim and Arnie and Foxy just watched lol. But it was a really lush afternoon πŸ™‚ so relaxing.

Got in and watched Assault on Arkham, a batman film with the suicide squad. L took Harvey to get fish and chips for their dinner, I gave Albert a bath and let him run about nakey to get a bit of air to his bits. They had their chips and I had my dinner of potato salad, coleslaw, croutons, bacon bits, ham and cheese. It’s so yummy and light enough for my stomach to take. Boy’s had a play and then it was bed time for boo, who was tired and pretty much just went straight to sleep. We all watched another Batman film called under the red hood and after that it was bed time for Harvey πŸ™‚

L and I chilled out, watched more Batman films. We put pink dye on foxy girl and blue on Scrappy’s chest. They look so freaking cool! L did my hair half blue and half purple lol just for a bit of fun. Had such a good laugh that evening πŸ™‚ hehe. And again we didn’t get to bed till gone midnight and both of us were absolutely covered in dye lol! I slept in just vest and boxers with no blanket on all night because it was so muggy and sticky.

Sunday – Boy’s were on the go early again, me and L were so shattered lol. Just had a chilled out morning, L got their bits together and I was tidying up too. L took Harvey swimming while I looked after boo as he was feeling under the weather a bit. I carried on tidying up, hoovered up, put Harvey’s bed away, had a shower and got dressed. I went down to Asda with boo and got him some cars and I got myself some bits of shopping that I needed. We just chilled out he was playing with the pups and I was watching tv.

L and Harvey got back, she fed her and the boys, I had my lunch. Boo was tired so he went down for a nap and L went in for a nap after he was asleep for a bit. I was watching Batman animated films with Harvey, I did try to nap but he kept talking to me and the animals were all going crazy lol. I keep taking Harley to the litter tray and to her food and water, just to show her where it all is. The pups are a bit scared of her and she’s scared of them too and Marley won’t go near her lol but they will all get used to her soon. L came back in the lounge, so I nipped across the road with all the pups for 20 mins just so they could have a little run and pee and poop. It was still quite hot out there which is one reason I didn’t stay out there for too long.

I helped L get the boys stuff together, I but the travel cot down, put washing on and generally just tidied up after them all lol. They left just after half 4 pm to get their bus home, it’s so so quiet after they’ve all gone and I do miss them. I wish they lived much closer so I could just pop over whenever. But L really wants to move down this way so fingers crossed it will be a reality at some point πŸ™‚

I had my dinner and then crashed out for 2 hours lol, I was just so tired. Usually on a Saturday morning I sleep until lunch before of how tired the metoject makes me but I didn’t this Saturday so by the time it was quiet, the animals had settled and I had sat down I could no longer keep my eyes open lol and just zonked out, I totally needed it though.

Chilled out in the evening, watching tv and I did go on the laptop and updated my charts on PLM (patientslikeme) and chatting to friends on fb, replied to some threads on PLM. But as it got later I just didn’t have the concentration to do any more and I just went to bed.

And now we are and Monday! Phew..taken me ages to write, had to stop to change Leo’s stinky butt, feed him lunch and put him down for a nap. He’s awake again now πŸ™‚ just sat playing with his toys on the floor.

I was just relaxing this morning, playing with the pups and the kitty πŸ™‚ Then my bro text asking if I can come over to have lil man, so I got myself showered and dressed and sorted out the animals and walked over.

Had a phone call a moment ago from adult social services and they are coming over tomorrow afternoon to assess me and the flat and my needs πŸ™‚ so hopefully I will get the equipment I need to make it easier for me to have a shower and a perching stool for the kitchen.

Anyway I shall post some pictures when I am back on my laptop

Peace out

Batman

Mega Lazy Sunday

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLexgOxsZu0

Bruno Mars – The lazy song, this has totally been my song ALL day πŸ™‚

I have done nothing all day long and man I totally needed to just veg out and stay in and rest.

I feel totally rested and happy, that’s all I really have to say. I just watched Orange is the new black and now I am starting from season 1 again. Played a few hours of Lego Batman 3 too, totally loving that game!

Got the doctors first thing tomorrow morning for bloods, I have 2 more blood forms and if they can’t do it there then I’ll have to go to hospital to have it done. I’ll probably take the pups out in the afternoon and I have the trans* group social in the evening. So that should be a good day.

Took some pictures of myself the other day and I was feeling fly and felt so good and I looked like a guy πŸ™‚Β woop! totally noticing that small changes in myself, I feel so much more confident and I even keep getting mixed up when I’m talking to people about my transition, like I keep saying M – F ….LOL! It’s good I suppose because well I am a boy through and through.

I have now lost a total of 2 stone! (28lbs) back to my original weight. Hoping to lose a little more. Feeling fly! totally loving it!

Just feeling so freaking goodΒ πŸ˜€

Peace out

Batman

Family BBQ

Last night I didn’t get to sleep till gone 2 am πŸ™‚ and I slept pretty well.

Slept until gone 9 am, got up had breakfast and fell back to sleep on the sofa until like 12/1 pm lol…I totally needed it though.

Just chilled out listening to music and stuff, eventually got showered and dressed and that was only because I was going out, otherwise I would probably have stayed in my boxers and vest top for a few more hours lol. Totally obsessed with Lazy by Bruno Mars πŸ˜€

Spent the afternoon at my aunts house for my lil cousins 6th birthday party, we had a BBQ with the fam and that was really nice πŸ™‚ hard having people refer to me as she and using my birth name… just means I need to start telling the rest of the fam as clearly the mothership isn’t going to fucking bother or whatever. But anyway it was really nice πŸ™‚

I got in about 8:30 pm to my happy pups, so I had a piss and took the pups for a walk, as they’d been in all day. We went on our usual walk and didn’t get back until 10 and the pups have pretty much been asleep since.

Just been chilling watching tv and taken ages to write this short post lol.

My lil miss foxy girl has gunky eyes at the mo, so going to try a wet teabag on them as a home remedy before I have to take her to the vets, so I am hoping this will work.

I got NO plans for tomorrow πŸ˜€ gonna chill in my boxers ALL DAY! Nah I’ll prob take the pups out at some point, but I totally need to just relax πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman

Honeymoon period is over, I need to get on it

Ok so I haven’t really been present on here for a while for a number of reasons and the main reason is that I haven’t really been present in real life. I’ve just been going on, not really doing much of anything at all and I’ve spent a lot of time in my head.

I think the honeymoon period after coming out is over and the magnitude of the situation facing me has hit me.

I will have to prove myself to the people that have my transition in their hands, without their approval and if they do not think I am ready or whatever then my transition will not go ahead. I have to play the system a little bit in order to get what I want, like have to say the right things etc. It’s going to be a long hard road and I am under no illusion that it’s going to be easy. While I understand why it takes so long and why they do the things they do but it’s very long and I know that for some people its too long and they don’t make it sadly. I won’t become a statistic in that respect, I will get to the end of my transition and be the person I am inside, I’m up for this fight. I just know it’s gonna be hard.

I’ve spent most of my life proving myself for one thing or another to mainly doctors and psychiatrists. And I have to now prove myself to another lot of people, asking questions like explain why you think you are male….etc :/ how do I explain my gender without just using the gender stereotypes. Gah! I’ll cross that when I come to it and try not to freak out about it now.

I’ve been eating a bit better this week, so I haven’t been feeling so weak and dizzy all the time.

I’ve only really been attending my groups and group socials. I’ve been being lazy as fuck! basically, I can make loads of excuses for myself as to why I’ve been doing nothing, just sleeping, watching tv,doing nothing. The weekends are difficult because I feel so crap after my injections but that’s been made worse by not eating properly. So now I am, I hope the side effects won’t be so bad this weekend.

I need to really sort out getting back into some sort of routine, I need to just get out more, just do stuff! I need to get on top of bills, appointments, I need to see more friends, I need to stop hiding away because it really isn’t helping things. It’s compacting how I feel and making me feel how I did all those years ago pre DBT which is a feeling I don’t want any more. I totally know I am not doing enough to ensure my mental health is stable. I need to get my head out my ass and stop being a dick lol! basically is what I’m saying.

Also having a few issues with some people and I know that in order to maintain friendships and stuff I feel like I am the one carrying these friendships. I feel like the friendships I have aren’t 50/50 and I am the one to put in all the effort in, organising to meet, up texting to see how they are etc. So there are a few friendships where this is happening and I am going to be strong and stop with this behaviour and stop carrying these friendships because if they are as strong as I think they are they will last and the people concerned will hopefully pull their weight. It hurts as I’ve been trying to do this for a few days now and it is hard because I do feel like I am the bad person, but I know I’m not. I need to let it ride and see what happens. That’s my own issues with feeling alone, no friends etc..that goes back to being a kid when I was unpopular and had few friends. But I am not alone, I do have some healthy friendships that I am going to concentrate on for now. And being alone isn’t bad either, me time is good, just not every day. I’ve also been making great friends at my groups and I need to utilise that fact and begin to build friendships with my new friends πŸ™‚ and widen my friendship circle.

So all in all I need to just get back on in it, get out of my head and carry on πŸ™‚

I’m hopefully going to see my friend a bit later *fingers*crossed* I need to get out the flat.

Feeling a bit better for writing and working all this through.

Peace out

Batman

A lil bit of everything

So I’ve not blogged for a while, mainly because I’ve been busy with my buddy J who was down Fri-Mon and sort of because I’m doing well and haven’t really had much to talk about…or not needed to write about. But I thought I would do a bit of a catch up now, enjoy.

I sit here once again and it’s mid week, it’s crazy how fast time is going.

Feeling much less sick, dizzy and faint today. That is because I have made an effort for actually eat! The last few weeks I’ve lost so much weight without really doing anything and my appetite has just vanished. It’s good because I’m now not far off a healthier weight, I feel better, look better. When I my appetite lessoned I wasn’t eating much because I wasn’t hungry but that didn’t make me feel too good. So now I have been eating little and often and I’ve been trying to eat more healthy things as well, I’ve ditched drinking Pepsi when I’m at home and I’m only going to try and drink lemon squash, I need to consume more water. I’ve been eating fruit and veg and proper dinners. They’ve only been small portions but it’s better then nothing. I think my body just had a hard time adjusting from wanting to eat loads and being fed all the time to not being hungry and not being fed as often. Going to try and keep this up as I know a good diet will definitely be my friend when I stop my bipolar meds altogether. I’ve lost 16lbs so far want to loose another 14lbs that will take me down to pre quetiapine weight.

The first part of my day was spent laying on the sofa with the pups, sleeping, watching tv and just being lazy. I did get my lil butt into gear and cleaned the whole flat, which felt like it would take FOREVER because it was so messy! But it took about the same time as usual so not too bad. Ooh and I have planted my sunflower and some peppers, I want to start growing stuff out of my lil balcony πŸ™‚

I made the pups loads of ice treats with some stock and their treats, that was a bit of a balancing act getting it all in the freezer without spilling it all everywhere lol oh and making space too, it was like tetris! They love playing with ice and licking their ice treats πŸ™‚ lucky pups.

After messing about I got myself ready and rush out to get the bus, just made my appointment with like 1min to spare…phew! I was cutting it fine lol. But I had a great appointment πŸ™‚ I am going to be lazy and just copy and paste what I put on fb, saves writing it all out again.

Facebook status

Ah man binding hurts and I can’t wear it for too long… Hoping it gets easier.

Good doctors app, he’s agreed to let me continue to take doxycycline for the next 50 days, the plan after that is to have a break for a month and if I get a sinus infection after then he’s going to refer me back to my ent specialist for further investigation.

He’s going to chase up the pain clinic for me and it shouldn’t be too much longer till I get a letter to book an appointment with a new bone doc at Poole hospital.

He’s happy with my weight loss and he’s glad I’m doing really well coming off the quetiapine.

He’s been on the Charing cross website and found it extremely helpful. He’s half way through the referral as he said it’s huge! But I should hear from them in the next 8-12 weeks and after my initial appointment with them he’s happy to talk about me getting a full hysterectomy. And he’s just so happy that I’m doing well

So yeah! Here is to the future, I cannot wait for the next steps in all of it.

And binding does hurt, I can’t bind for too long. It makes me back and chest hurt… It can be very dangerous, so I’ve got to be really sensible about it.

Spent some time out with the pups this evening, just sat in the sun on the grass, watching them run about playing πŸ™‚ wish I could stay in those moments forever. So at peace, happy, content, bliss ❀

Been thinking about my dad lately, he’s been on my mind. Maybe because he’s close with me right now, I don’t know. But I miss him so so much! My heart hurts when I think about him not being here, I hate not being able to ring and talk to him or see him. The pain never goes, it just gets easier to deal with. I would do anything to be with him again. But he will forever and always be in my heart and soul ❀ I love you daddy and I miss you so much that words just can’t describe it.

I’ve just been putting some new music on my phone, as I was getting bored with what was on there.

Group tomorrow, so looking forward to it πŸ™‚

Over all this boy is good πŸ™‚ super nervous and excited about tomorrow being my last day on quetiapine…Hopefully I can do this without meds.

Peace out

Batman

Breezy beach walk :)

Well I managed to get to bed at just gone 1 am. I did my injection in my thigh, which hurt like a mother fucker! lol. Went into the bedroom, put the heating on and turned on the tv and xbox. Pulled the covers over the bed so if the dogs are a bit wet when we get in, they don’t get the inside of the bed wet. Sorted out my hot water bottle and picked a dvd to watch in bed and I chose Monsters Inc πŸ™‚ Went and put my water bottle at the end of the bed, mainly use it to warm up my little feet. Got the pups ready and took them out for a quick walk and wee.

Got all snuggled in bed watching the film and playing on my tab, although I didn’t stay up for long, I was really drowsy. But I slept really well πŸ™‚

Had about 8 and a half hours sleep again, so woke up about 10 am. Still felt pretty low and unmotivated…Didn’t want to do anything. So I fell back to sleep again on the sofa till midday.

When I woke up I had s choice to make. Either I got my butt off the sofa, cleaned up and bit and went out and did something, or to stay in all day and feel even worse. So after some back and forth chatter with myself, I decided to stop be so fucking lazy and unmotivated and to get my backside into gear and not to waste yet another day. Yeah I gave myself a good talking to lol.

Didn’t quite know where to start, what I was going to do….I just stood for a bit, until I came up with a plan that was in order, made sense and was something I wanted to do.

First I sorted out the kitchen, it was in a bit of a mess. So I cleaned that up, sorted out the bin that was pretty much over flowing.. :/ Then I cleaned out the litter box, decided I was going to do the bare minimum so I left the poop on the balcony for another time. Put all the dog toys in the box and hooverd up. Just straightened everything up. Boom flat sorted!

I got myself showered and dressed, wore my cuff jeans today, so I could wear my boots and I find the cuff jeans keep me a little warmer. I got my backpack ready, packed a spare jumper for me, foxy’s blanket just in case she got really cold, a drink for me, treats for the pups and scrappy’s ball and ball thrower thing. Oh and made sure I had spare pain killers too. I took pain killers before we left, to tide me over for when we are out. I wrapped myself up in a nice thick jumper and a hoodie over the top, I had my boots on, my fingerless gloves…I hate full length gloves they make me feel weird, stupid I know, but I don’t like the feel on them and I had my beanie hat on to keep my ears warm.

Got the pups ready to go out and made sure I had poo bags…..well nappy bags but same thing lol, they are way cheaper the poo bags.

We were off, we left about 2 pm. Walking through the high street took a while because it was busy and people stopped to say hello πŸ™‚ Hopped onto the bus and we were on our way to Bournemouth beach.

Walked through Bournemouth gardens and scrappy was just bursting to get off and run, he was pretty much dragging me along. He may be small but he’s strong. My lil foxy was just trotting along with me, she’s such a lil princess. Scrappy hasn’t been on a proper sandy beach before and as soon as we got there I let him off and zoom! He was gone, running all over, saying hello to everyone. He just went crazy. Foxy just continued to trot along slowly, but she did go say hello to lots of people. I was played fetch with scrappy, what else would that boy be doing lol. He was running in and out of the waves that were crashing onto the beach. He didn’t go right out for a proper swim, he would have been swept away. But he doesn’t mind getting wet and he was soon covered in sand as well. We walked up and down the beach, didn’t go too far though as I knew how ever far we walk, I have to walk back that far, so we stayed within the second groyne out from either side of the pier. That was a comfortable distance for me to walk to and from. It was such a lovely day and I got some really amazing photos πŸ™‚ I think we were out for about an hour and a half. Which was more then enough time. Foxy was getting cold and my hips were starting to feel stiff. Scrappy however could have stayed forever, that boy just doesn’t stop!

We walked back through the gardens to the bus and luckily one just pulled up so we didn’t have to wait. It was nice to sit down in the warm. Half way through the bus trip scrappy was sick…glad he was sat on the floor and it was just water. Thankfully I had tissues, so I moped it up and put it in a poo bag. He was sick again and again it was just water…He’d drank too much sea water, that’s all it was. So cleaned it up and the bus was just coming up to the hospital, so I decided to get off, just in case he was going to be sick again and I am SO glad we got off when we did. Started heading home and yep I guessed right, because he threw up a lot…it was watery and sandy..gross! walked a bit more and he was sick again. My poorly boy so horrible to watch, but he was happy enough walking along. He probably felt better for being sick.

Got home and yeah there was a reason I left the heating on…ah it was so nice and warm πŸ™‚ scrappy had a drink and threw up again, it was just sand, so gross! But that was the last of it, that will teach him to drink sea water. But partly my fault for not bringing him clean water to drink, he gets really thirsty racing about, so that is a lesson for us both for next time we go there.

Sat and relaxed for a bit, had a Pepsi. Foxy curled up on the sofa on her blanket, I think she was happy to be home and warm. Scrappy however just went and brought me his ball we use just indoors….Yeah I just looked at him and said not a chance my boy! I need to rest for a bit.

I remembered I didn’t have anything out for dinner. I wasn’t really hungry, but I needed to eat. Even though I had breakfast and lunch today, I felt like I hadn’t eaten anything at all…its weird. But like I keep saying I think my body is still getting used to not eating so much. Its not used to being full and bloated all the time. Anyway I went down to asda, I got myself some microwave chips and smoked haddock, some sweets and treats for the dogs. Didn’t ended up eating the fish, just the chips. The fish will keep till tomorrow though. Nice easy, healthy-ish dinner.

Haven’t done much this evening, just had the crime channel on, played fb games, uploaded my pics to laptop and fb. Nearly 11 pm and I think I am going to head to bed after I have done this. I’m pretty tired after all that fresh air.

Not a solid plan for tomorrow as of yet. On fb this woman posted a picture of some dog stuff and I really like two all in one coats. So I am going over near where she lives at some point tomorrow for foxy to try them on. I’m hoping they fit as they are a bargain for Β£2 each. I won’t be far from the beach, so I may take them down there again if the weather is still good. And by that I mean not raining. Just haven’t sorted out a time with the lady yet, she just said to tell her when I am ready to leave. So that’s good.

Mood is feeling much better then yesterday, not feeling as dark and low. Still a little low, but that’s ok. I’m really glad I chose to get up and out, I really needed it, it helped and the pups loved it so that made me happy.

Pain has been manageable today, kept up on taking my pain killers. I’ve just been really fatigued, sleeping more then usual. That maybe the low mood, I’m not sure what came first.

Some pictures from today

Peace out

Batman