Living in the darkness

I haven’t written anything on here for just over 2 months now, the main reason is I just got swallowed up whole by my depression and I just haven’t had the energy or desire to do the basic life things let alone sit down to write.

The main cause of my depression has been lockdown unsurprisingly, as it has I’m sure effected every single person in one way or another. It’s been an incredibly hard time and I haven’t experienced this depth of the darkness and isolation in such a long time and its not a place I like to be in. But I’ve had zero control in getting myself out of it and making myself feel better and you know right now that’s ok. My brain is doing everything it can to protect me from further tramua.

I’ve had silly comments from people who’ve said well I survived through it, I live in a beautiful area etc, which is extremely dismissive of how I’ve been feeling and its a reason why no one really knows just how bad and how dark the places I’ve been in recently because I get sick of this toxic positivity bullshit! Yes I’ve survived lockdown so far, but only fucking just and I mean I was on the verge at a few points of ending it all because the loneliness and depression was just so loud and it was so intense that I just didn’t and couldn’t deal with it anymore. But I did keep pushing through and its still not something I can feel proud about because I’m not out of the woods yet. I’m still pretty depressed, I’m just a fucking master at hiding it.

A few weeks ago it was my 3 years on testosterone and 1 year post op top surgery and in July I had arranged to meet up with some friends to celebrate as the previous years I haven’t and its something that’s extremely important to me and I wanted to celebrate, but it was pretty much a fail because most people bailed! which hurt like fuck and still fucking does and I’m still so angry and upset that I’m not overly interested in talking with the people that bailed. I tried to be happy and grateful for the few that did turn up but I just couldn’t, I was already extremely depressed and this just topped it off. Next year I’m not going to fucking bother! I am so fucking done with people!

People are so fucking fake! Always promoting mental health, self care etc but fuck me right! I don’t actually matter! I’m so fucking angry with people, I’ve been let down by everyone over the years and I have not one single person who I can rely on. I hate everyone, I don’t deserve to be treated this way, I bend over backwards to help anyone but no one seems to be able to celebrate something that’s extremely important to me. I am fucking done with everyone! I’m just not interested anymore. They can talk the big talk but I don’t trust that shit anymore, when it comes down to it, no one actually shows up for me.

All is does is make me feel like a really fucking shitty person! I feel like the worse person in the world cuz I’m 35 and still have no friends and I still don’t understand where I’m going wrong like wtf!? am I this fucking dumb?! I know I am far from fucking perfect, I know I’m an annoying dick head but I’m not a bad person. Yet shit like this makes me feel like the worst person in the world.

I see everyone else with their friends, having fun, doing stuff etc and there’s just me here on my own, like when’s it my turn?! When is it my turn to have friends and be happy? I fear my life will always be like this. I can’t seem the change the patterns no matter what I try, I try be like everyone else, I try and be myself, nothing works. So must be me right?

I’ve always felt like such an outsider, I feel like I’m from a different planet cuz I just don’t fit in socially, its too hard. But I don’t understand why I’m so different, I hate feeling like this. I don’t understand why people don’t like me or why people just can’t be bothered to put the effort in with me. I can’t change what I don’t understand.

I’m so fed up of writing about the same shit and crying about the same shit. I don’t think people understand the depths of my isolation really is. I have no emotional connections with anyone, certainly not my family and no friends. I’ve become so shut down emotionally so I can deal with this depression and loneliness, I can barely feel anything other then sadness and anger. I spend 99% of my time alone, there’s only 2 people who regularly message me and to be honest the last few months they’ve really helped get me through. But its still not the same as social interactions, I get so much from social interactions and I just haven’t had any for so long, its beyond difficult.

I’m back at counselling now, I begrudgingly went back. I enjoy going and I enjoy talking about stuff and its at least some social interaction for the week. But I’ve been in counselling for the last 20 years on and off, I’m starting to feel I’m too broken to ever be fixed and this is just my life forever now. My life has been hard and its still hard, with a few moments of happiness but they seem to be few and far between. The darkness is just so strong, its hard to climb out of it. Most days, I just let the darkness take over and I just sit and completely disassociate so I can just get through the day. I’m barely functioning most days, I have my non negotiable things I do each day, like take my meds, do my sinus rinse and take the dogs out, but the energy it takes just to do those small things is immense. I’m barely getting through each day and its exhausting. I want so much to be happy, to be loved, to have friends, to have adventures with my friends, but seems like that’s a lot to ask for. It’s all I’ve ever wanted from life. But damaged people don’t get a happy ending right? I just feel like I’ll be living in this darkness forever, its the only constant in my life over the years. I can’t remember when the darkness and I first met but I think I was quite young.

I do think my diagnosis of Bipolar is wrong, I reckon I have complex PTSD, autism spectrum disorder and ADHD as all 3 of these have symptoms that are the same or similar to bipolar and all 3 have overlapping symptoms with each other. I don’t have the energy to speak to my GP about any of this as I know I’ll get sent to my psychiatrist who doesn’t believe in adult ADHD, which is ridiculous and I just hate talking to him, I find it hard to get everything out as I feel like he’s sat there judging me, I always feel like he thinks that I’m just an attention seeker. So yeah I hate talking to him and I can’t ask for someone else as he’ll block that because he’s a prick! But hopefully through counselling I can figure some stuff out and maybe gather some evidence for a potential re diagnosis.

So yeah that’s me, writing out my heart and soul of darkness!

Peace out

Zak

Birthday blues

Despite have a good birthday, I always feel a bit low around my birthday. Apparently it’s quite a common thing to feel low or even depressed around your birthday for a number of reasons.

One reason is because it forces you to look back over the past year and feeling like you’ve not accomplished enough over the last year, also feeling disappointed by not having expectations met.

Both of those examples I really struggle with, I often feel let down by people, as I have been let down a lot. I also feel like I’ve not done enough, I’m not doing enough, I’m not good enough etc.. So birthdays bring up so much crap and always throws me off and makes me feel so shitty.

I try and manage my expectations of people and my birthday but its really hard. I try my best to make sure I ask friends if they want to do stuff, so I’m not alone. But I still struggle to verbalise what I really want for my birthday, which makes managing expectations difficult.

But I had a great birthday despite feeling a bit low about everything and I am feeling grateful. It just knocks me down a bit, but I always get back up stronger then before.

Does anyone struggle around birthdays? Do you feel low? How do you cope with birthdays?

Peace out

Zak

A day in the life of a trans guy – 6 months post top surgery.

Time is flying by faster then I can keep up with, it’s just crazy. But today marks 6 months since I had top surgery.

I’m slowly starting to connect with my chest and slowly starting to realise that I’ve finally had this life changing, life saving surgery that I’ve been wanting since puberty.

Still struggling a bit with the gender dysphoria and recognising myself but I think its a natural part of being trans.

I don’t think I look at my chest enough, I don’t look at myself and appreciate my new body. I think I was focused on recovering from surgery and it going well without any complications that I wasn’t really present and I was pretty lonely during recovery as well, so I didn’t have anyone around to be excited about surgery with and to share it with.

Looking back at leading up to surgery and after surgery I was kinda disconnected from it and as I’m used to being in hospitals and I’ve had lots of minor surgeries before, I just kinda treated it like any other procedure I’ve had to go through. I was really excited on the day of surgery and just after but it didn’t last very long. I just came at it like something I had to go through and I do feel sad now that I was that disconnected, I feel sad that I didn’t have anyone close to share the excitement with, I feel sad that I had no support during the recovery period, I felt quite let down.

I’ve felt quite lonely during my transition, despite friends being supportive and being happy for me. Apart from 1 appointment last year and the friends who took me to appointments before surgery, who took me there, took me home and took me to follow up appointments, I’ve spent the last 4 years going to appointments alone. It’s something that still makes me feel really sad, more then I think people know. As its not something I really express as it can’t be changed now.

But moving forward, I know I need to try and spend more time looking at my chest and touching my chest, so my brain starts making that connection with my new body. I think when it starts getting warmer and I spend more time walking around the flat topless, that will also help as well.

I’m still really happy with the results and how well my scars look and I’m super grateful to have been able to have this surgery done. I do feel better for having it done, just its such a huge emotional experience and as I am a super sensitive person, I’m sure its something that will take me a while to process.

Here are pictures from today.

Peace out

Zak

Tired, low, lonely boy :/

It’s Friday….yay…. :/

I’ve had a headache all day and its not been gone for very long.

Pain has been ok-ish. Just felt uncomfortable really today.

Haven’t been able to keep warm, this evening I am so cold. Earlier today I felt like I was in a cold sweat which is horrible.

Mood has been pretty low today 😦 zero motivation, no appetite, not even the slightest…forced food down me today.

Spent most of the day on the sofa either asleep or feeling agitated and low.

I managed to get up showered and dressed by about 2:30 pm. Good job really seeing as I actually needed to go further then just across the road to take the pups to the vets…my only motivation to do anything.

Pups are both in good health and both at the same weight as last time. Just had their flea treatment. I have some granules to give scrappy as the worming tablet he had last time didn’t agree with him, so she gave me some food to mix the granules into and hopefully he’ll eat it all and keep it all down *fingers*crossed* But she said to give it to him at the weekend because of having the flea treatment today.

Dropped the pups home and I went back out to the chemist to pick up my medication. I don’t like to leave the pups outside shops, so I always take them home first. Round here lately a lot of dogs have been stolen, even right in front of the owners 😦 so I’d never risk it. But anyway yeah I think they forgot the one medication I am owing from when I put my prescription Monday…but I don’t need that yet, so I’ll sort it out in the week.

Got in….eventually got round to sorting my dinner out even though I had a nice beef joint in the slow cooker. Did some roast potatoes and veg. Sat down to eat and I really didn’t want it 😦 ate a bit, but gave most to the pups so least it didn’t go to waste. I’m sat here and I am hungry. But I don’t want to eat. I don’t feel hungry, but my stomach feels hungry if that makes any sense at all lol :/ meh. I was doing well with eating better. But last few days I’ve just not been interested. Maybe it’s linked to the low mood.

So sat here thinking about my low mood. Freaking out a bit because of my plan to come off medication…I HAVE to cope with this well or it will go tits up. I think though I’ve had a lot to deal with physically, so that really hasn’t helped. And its ok for my mood to change. Think maybe sometimes I am hyper aware of my mood change, because I want them to stay within the normal range and not go too low or too high. But its ok to feel low I know that. I need to relax, just go with it and try and do things that make me happy rather then laying on the sofa all day because that will feed the depression.

I have no plan as of yet tomorrow, but I have a few ideas. I’ve not got anything out for dinner as I don’t want to cook something that I am just going to waste. I do really need to clean up a bit tomorrow, so I’ll do that in the morning. Then I have a few ideas for the day, if its not too cold or horrible out, I may take the dogs on the bus and down to the beach for a nice run and maybe take them up to the cafe to warm up after. The other idea is to go see a film, I still have my free ticket to see a 3D film, I really want to see Big Hero 6….well looks like that is the only 3D film out and the only one I actually want to see lol. So all depends on the weather and how my joints are feeling. But I will really try hard to have some sort of structure to my day.

Everyone says I am so strong to deal with all I do. I know I am. But its times like this I feel so alone. I spend a lot of time just me and the pups, but I don’t mind that. But when I feel this low I notice the absence of my friends in my life more. I understand everyone is busy and has their own life, but no one has initiated contact with me this past week and a bit and that hurts…I will own how I feel and say I feel that sometimes I am always the one to contact my friends make arrangements or whatever…or I feel that sometimes I am there only when I am needed :/ I dunno, feeling a bit let down I suppose, but feeling low is making it worse. Look whatever. I am the only one that can get myself through this dip. So I gotta try and be good to myself.

I better do my injection very soon and get myself to bed :/ I’ll try and make tomorrow a better day

Peace out

Batman