Where do I belong – communities

Where do I belong? Is something I’ve been thinking about for a while and whilst I belong to a few different communities, I don’t really engage with them as much as I would like too, if I did maybe I wouldn’t feel so lonely. But its complicated, I’ve actively stayed away from these communities because I didn’t want to be defined by these certain things. I’m realising that these things will always be apart of me and its ok to engage with these communities and they could be a source of friendships and support. I’ve kinda cut off my nose to spite my face, but I’ve been surrounded by such toxic people who’ve said over and over that you can’t let these things define you because you are more then that.

Now years down the line, those people who said those things are no longer around, but I still have that fear and anxiety around engaging in certain communities because I don’t want them to be all that defines me and my life. Right now I due to lockdown, I don’t really have anything outside of myself right now because I’m high risk, so I’m not really allowed to do much and I’m struggling to do anything at home on my own, as its so boring.

So what are these communities I belong too, well first one is people with chronic illness. I was first diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder when I was about 15 and I spent a few years fighting against, as I wasn’t given any support. I’ve always tried to fight against it and act like it doesn’t exist, but that never ends well. I think I have a better acceptance of it now but it still kicks my ass, especially when I’m not feeling well. I know from experience there’s a huge online community, full of amazing people but I just don’t engage with it, mainly as I’ve said before I don’t want my illness to define me. I don’t want my life to be boiled down to just a person with a illness.

I also have mental health issues, mainly depression and anxiety but also struggle with disassociation and now this community I’ve ran from because I didn’t want my mental health made worse by others, I didn’t want to become a professional patient, which is such a toxic term and insinuates that someone is attention seeking and not really mentally unwell. I’ve also felt that because I’m not in and out of hospital and I don’t outwardly express how I feel that I’m not unwell enough to be in the community. I mean its a whole mess of not nice feelings surrounding the mental health community, so right now I’m not sure its one I can really engage with because I think it would make me feel worse.

And the last community is the LGBT community, I am the T in LGBT and it is really a huge community with amazing people, but when I came out as trans I didn’t want to solely engage with the T community, I’m not really sure where that came from, maybe because its how I feel about most communities. I don’t want to feel pigeon holed, I didn’t want my transition to be the only exciting thing about me. But again I think I’ve missed out on making friends and doing things.

I see ‘proud to be trans’ a lot and I think for me that’s now lost all sort of meaning, I’m not really proud to be alive let alone be trans. I just feel too old for all these communities, I feel like I’m not sick enough, not unstable enough, not trans enough, just not enough to be apart of these communities. I just feel like I don’t really belong anywhere, I don’t really know myself but that maybe because I’ve walked away these communities, but these parts of me make up who I am.

I’ve disengaged with life in general at the moment, everyday feels the same. I feel like I’m living in a simulation or something, nothing feels quite real and it seems to be never ending and its so god damn lonely!

I know I need to make an effort and engage more but it feels so hard, I just feel like I’m being annoying all the time and that holds me back from doing anything. I’m so stuck inside myself, I want to reach out but it feels impossible, feels like I’m physically being held in place, frozen. Totally engulfed by the darkness, overwhelmed by the anxiety. I feel like I’m drowning, trying my best to float but I’m getting tired.

I know there’s a wonderful world of different communities that I belong to and can engage with but I’ve been so disconnected from humans, I don’t even know how to interact anymore. I wouldn’t know where to start and feels a bit scary putting myself back out there and trying once again to make friends.

I don’t want to just find people who are only temporary, who forget me if I don’t always message first. That’s apart of why I’m anxious about making new friends. Because I don’t want to make an effort just to be forgotten again, cuz that shit is emotionally exhausting and makes me feel so worthless.

I want so much to have a better life for myself, I don’t want to feel this way forever. But I don’t know how to move on, I don’t know if things will ever get better, right now I can’t see that it will.

Peace out

Zak

A day in the life of a trans guy

Well I haven’t been writing for a long while, although the notes on my phone are crazy long lol. I just haven’t had the motivation or concentration to sit down and write, so I have lots to catch up on. That’s if I can make sense of some of the things I’ve noted down.

Yesterday marked 10 months since having had top surgery, it has gone crazy fast. I can barely keep up with myself. My scars are looking great and I’m just so happy with the results, areas of my chest still feel a bit numb but its slowly regaining sensation. I still have the occasional nipple twinge where I’m assuming the nerve endings are still growing, that is a super weird feeling.

I still feel quite self conscious when I’m out and about, I still feel like I need a hoody so I can hide my chest. I still feel like people are staring at me, that I don’t ‘pass’ well enough etc and I know that’s just my insecurities and gender dysphoria. I also think its down to the ridiculously high standard that is set for trans men to look a certain way and I certainly do not meet the criteria. The expectation is that all trans men are super buff, work out, have muscles and are super handsome. I am non of those things, I’m short with a chubby body and I don’t work out or have muscles. I am currently in the process of loosing a bit of weight to help with my self esteem, body image and my general physical wellbeing, but I will never be a gym bunny.

I will never look like a lot of trans activists out there, who all work hard and look amazing. But there’s not a lot of representation out there for different body types within the trans masc community and I am no where near brave enough to show my chubby body in all its chubby glory on social media, as I am not strong enough to handle any negative criticism, even though I know it may help others feel seen, right now its not something I can do. But hey maybe one day.

I also think the expectation that once you have surgery that the dysphoria will disappear, I think I was under the illusion that it wouldn’t be an issue anymore. I’ve spent so long not feeling comfortable in my skin, that its going to take a whole lot of self love to even being to love this body of mine. I am so grateful for my body, it keeps me alive but I still don’t love my body enough and I don’t even really know what that looks like, as I’ve spent so long neglecting my mind and body that true self love and acceptance is not something I’ve experienced before and not sure how it looks or how it feels. I feel like I’m only just starting to scratch the surface of this self love stuff, I’ve got so much I need to heal first but I’m still trying.

The 12 weekly testosterone shots are going well, I’m 2 years and 10 months on T now which again has gone crazy fast. Only feels like yesterday that I would have done anything to be on testosterone and now here I am nearly 3 years down the line. There where times where I thought I can’t wait, its taking too long, once I knew who I was finally, waiting for everything was absolute agony it was almost like a physical pain, it was unbearable. I am so glad I held on, things get better eventually.

I much prefer the 12 weekly shot to the 3 weekly as my hormones are more settled and I feel less chaotic, then on the 3 weekly shots. My next one is due on a couple of weeks and I’ve got to get my levels checked to see how my body is reacting to the longer lasting testosterone. My sex drive has only just settled down since my last injection lol, it sucks being single and stuck in lockdown by myself. The first few weeks after my shot I’m super hungry and just want to eat everything and I’m horny as hell too, which is so weird. Before testosterone I had very little sex drive, mainly due to being on the medications I’m on, but now its a different story lol! But unlike the crazy appetite which settles down, the high sex drive seems to last a good 9-10 weeks! But self pleasure is a good pain relief, which I can say is true as I’ve barely had to take any of my usual pain meds recently so its not just an old wives tale.

I recently joined a dating website, which feels so embarrassing to even say… that I just want the ground to swallow me up right now lol! Its called OkCupid, which is a LGBT friendly dating site and that was the main reason for joining that specific one. I decided to join as I’ve on dated one person in the last 7 years and that relationship was exactly long, it lasted all of 6 months and it was my first relationship out as a trans guy.

There’s a few downsides to the website, one being that I am shit and describing myself and bigging myself up or even making myself sound in the slightest bit interesting…so I’ve not had any likes yet lol and I’m too scared to message anyone first as I feel awkward as fuck and I’m so shit and inserting myself into other people’s orbit, as I feel like I’m being instantly annoying.. Shit if I could be invisible but still be seen that would be the best lol. So yeah I don’t think my profile is really anything special, it doesn’t really stand out from anyone else’s.

The second downside is that I keep being matched with lesbians… like WTF! Lesbians want to be with lesbians, they do not want to be with trans men, I mean that would make them bi/straight. So that’s pretty annoying, trying to sift through all these hot lesbians and I feel bad for swiping no, although I don’t think it tells you who rejects you which is good.

So yeah I’m trying to get myself out there but its so fucking hard when all I want to do is disappear because I don’t feel worthy enough to be taking up space on this earth. I’m desperate to be seen and heard but I also want to disappear which is such a confusing paradox. But a lot of it is I have no self worth, self love etc and like I said I wouldn’t even know what that feels like, looks like. I’m so used to feeling like this for most of my life, its hard to imagine ever feeling any different. Maybe one day. I’ve got a lot of trauma to work through.

I know I am a bit late but HAPPY PRIDE MONTH! Always live your truth, no matter how hard your light will eventually shine and you can be a beacon of hope for others out there.

Peace out

Zak

My Journey from the L to T in LGBT

I saw today on my memories thing that 11 years ago today, I told my mum I was a lesbian. Which now seems hilarious as I feel like such a late bloomer in everything. As a at the time I would have been 23 very nearly 24! and now I’m still figuring out who I am, although I feel like that journey never really ends.

My memory is so rubbish and I just don’t remember these things that should be memorable moments and things I should be able to remember easily but my brain just doesn’t work that way. So Facebook is super helpful, in helping me remember important moments and obviously the not so great ones lol!

So after I saw this particular memory, it got me thinking about my journey over the last 12 years and how far I’ve come. I think its so easy to forget what my life was back then and what it is now and the huge journey and work that’s happened in between and I think the journey I’ve been through hasn’t always been visible or noticeable to those around me.

I hide a lot of things I’m going through, I always have ever since I was small. I was a toxic trait that was learned behaviour from my family. Mainly my from my mum, but again that stuff is passed down through parents. So not necessarily her fault, it’s what she knew and grew up with and she’s still like it a bit now.

I am getting better at expressing myself to those around me, but I still keep a lot to myself. I’m trying my best to live my life authentically and that means being apologetically myself! Even if people think I’m weird, I no longer really care, I know I don’t really fit in and I’m cool with that. I was never meant to fit in anywhere, I was meant to stand out and standing out is hard, because I’ve always tried to fit in, blend in and tried to disappear. But I’m still learning how I am, learning how to stand in my truth, to stand in my power and to shine. It’s a bit scary but I’m kinda starting to like myself for the first time in my life.

From at a fairly young age, I think knew I liked girls but I just always thought of maybe I was looking for a mother figure, as my relationship with my mum was always never close and I always kinda felt not apart of the family I was born in. Always felt like I was the odd one out, so maybe when I was young I was hoping I’d be cute enough and someone would come and take me into their family.

Even as a young teen I was so naive that I only thought men could be gay, I mean sounds so stupid saying that now, but I didn’t grow up with access to the internet and it wasn’t something that was talked about in my family. I just thought being called a lesbian was an insult, didn’t really realise it was an option! LOL! how wrong I was.

I grew up thinking I had to get a boyfriend/husband and that was how it was meant to be, that’s all I grew up seeing. I had like a 2/3 boyfriends, I’ve only had 2 sexual experiences with males and I really didn’t understand why my girl friends were so hyped about sex with guys, cuz I fucking hated it! I thought there was something wrong with me.

As I got older and met different people and experienced life more, I realised there was this whole community of people and my mind was blown! I felt like maybe this is where I fitted in.

It still took a little while for me to actually say I am GAY! I like woman. That was 12 years ago, that I finally was like, nope I’m not going to keep trying to fit in with what I was taught is expected of me. That felt great, it felt like I was being me and not hiding anymore.

It was 8/2/2009 that I finally told my mum, that I had a girlfriend and I don’t think she was shocked and she accepted it. I vividly remember telling my dad and he was like yeah I knew! lol, I remember saying why didn’t you tell me! Would have made things a bit easier! But its the journey I had to go through I suppose.

It took until around Sept 2014 to start questioning my gender and I don’t remember what triggered that particular process. At that point I had 2/3 people that I was friends with, knew of who’d starting transitioning from female to male, which me being the naive person I am again never knew that was a possibility or something that was obtainable to like anyone.

This is why representation in the media whether it be tv, film, music, books etc is SO important! Not only does it help educate people, it helps people feel less like a freak and an outcast.

During this time I wrote a lot, I talked a lot within the LGBT mental health group I attended, I talked with close friends at the time. I went to a Trans group and it didn’t really take long for things to slot in place and for me to realise that I am not and never was a female and that’s why I’ve always hated my body with a passion, why I’ve never felt comfortable within myself and just explained so many other things.

At the time only close friends knew about this part of my life, as I wanted time to figure myself out. I didn’t want to rush such an important life changing decision.

But the day after my 30th birthday in 2015, I messaged everyone on my FB list to explain that I am transgender and I will now be going my male pronouns. I had such an out pouring of love and support, I was honestly taken aback. I was really shocked and I’ve always had that support from people around me, yes sure it took people some time getting used to pronouns and stuff and I had every weird questioned asked under the sun but ultimately everyone just wanted me to be happy.

I don’t remember when I told my mum but I do remember she didn’t really have a lot to say about it and even now, 5 years down the road its not something she openly talks about to me, doesn’t ask me questions. So I still really don’t know how she feels about it all, which is sad because I want to know how she feels, I mean I know she loves me in her own way because she’s my mum but I don’t know if she’s proud of me. It’s not like I haven’t tried but she’s really hard to communicate with because if she doesn’t want to talk about something she just doesn’t respond, so end of conversation. I can’t have a conversation with someone who just won’t reply, just shuts that shit down straight away.

I think that hurts more because my dad is no longer here and I can’t ask him about what he thinks, does he still love me, is proud of me etc. I think we all need that approval from our families, from our parents no matter how old we get. Even though I don’t really know what she thinks about my transition, its never stopped me. Because I am an adult (I think, in age only! lol) But deep inside I do just wish she would express her feelings to me about my transition, mainly so I can have that connection with her. But also so I know she approves too.

But as I mentioned feelings, thoughts and emotions were something that just wasn’t talked about in our house and to be honest nothing really was. Looking back now it’s probably a big part of why I felt so disconnected from my family as love and emotions weren’t expressed. It’s almost like it was a business arrangement that these 4 humans were living together, aliens from another planet who didn’t know what regular human emotions were. Maybe it’s why I’ve always struggled to connect with myself.

Now I just try and meet my mum where she is, I don’t mention my transition as its pointless. She’ll never be what I want her to be and that’s hard to accept as I maybe nearly 35 but I still need my mum and I still want her to be the mother I need her to be. But that’s not who she is and I’ll never get that out of her and she hasn’t unlearnt her learnt behaviours picked up from her parents, she doesn’t yet have that awareness and maybe she never will and that’s cool. We all have our journeys and everyone’s path is different and everyone does things at different times and in different ways and that’s completely fine. So instead of trying to hold them up to the standard you want them to be at, you have to meet them where they are.

Our relationship is less stressful now because I don’t have these expectations of her, I just accept her how she is and its been so much better. I even enjoy hanging out with her now. I maybe see her once every couple of months and that’s cool with me. She’s the only parent I have left, I wanted her in my life, so I had to change how I viewed our relationship in order to have a better one.

Coming out as trans and starting my physical transition has been one of the best things I have ever done, my only regret is that I didn’t realise sooner but its all part of the journey and it happened when it was meant too.

I have learned so much about myself in the last 5 years, that its hard to express. Even though I still feel shy and have low self esteem, I feel confident in that fact I finally know who I am as a person, I feel less disconnected and I feel confident in the fact I am finally standing in my truth.

I’m still learning about who I am and where I fit in this life, I don’t think that ever really stops, as life is always changing and if it isn’t then it means your stuck.

Recently I have been questioning my sexuality a bit, again I think this is a natural part of the process. I think its because testosterone makes you feel like a horny teenage boy! But also, I used to look at guys and wished I was them and now I’m nearer the journey of having lower surgery in the next maybe 2 years, I’m starting to think a lot more about sex and having a penis and what that would look like, feel like etc cuz I’ve been 35 years without one, only ever touched 2 in my life and so its something that’s been on my mind.

Like recently when I watch porn (shocking I know!) I’ve found myself more focused on the guy and what he’s doing with his dick, which got me thinking and questioning, does this mean I want to have sex with men, do I like men? what does this all mean! and I’ve come to the conclusion that no I do not like men in that way, I don’t want to have sex with men, I’m just fascinated and excited for when I get to have sex with woman when I get my penis, which btw is 35 years late! lol and I suppose when I’m watching these videos, that I want to be that guy that’s having sex.

I still look at other guys and think wow they look so manly and fit that’s what I want to look like. But my ass over here is 5ft 3″ a bit chubby from christmas, I hate the gym and working out cuz it’s boring and exhausting. I try and remind myself that no one else looks like me, no one else can be me, I am who I am meant to be no matter what that looks like, as I don’t want to look like everyone else I was born to stand out, born to be me.

I was a bit nervous about writing about watching porn, as you know still can be a bit of a taboo and not something I really discuss with anyone. But fuck it, I’m talking about my journey and my truth and this is me, laid bare.

I don’t know where I’m headed next in life, but I’m going to keep writing, keep being me and hopefully, I’ll be me with a penis before I’m 40!

All I can do it keep standing in my truth, keep talking about my journey and hopefully helping others to stand in their truth and hopefully educating those naive people who don’t know much about the LGBT community.

Peace out

Zak

A day in the life of a trans guy – Being raised female

I am starting to realise that I have to come to terms with the fact that I will always have what people deem to be feminine traits.

Boys and girls from birth are raised differently and their parents have different dreams for each of them. For baby girls it’s usually that she’ll get married and have children, for baby boys it’s usually he’ll have a great career.

From very small even still now girls are being told they will never be as good as a boy, that they’re simply not built for it and they should know their place.

Luckily things seem to be changing very slowly and woman are now using their voices to say hey, this shit isn’t right! Which it isn’t, woman are equal to men, but men see that as an attack to their fragile masculinity.

Now I got off topic and onto a bit of a feminist rant. But as a trans guy I am proud to say I’m a feminist as I’ve lived in the world as a female and it’s fucking hard. But also now living as male, being perceived as male, I can say the white male privilege makes me feel a bit uncomfortable and I suppose a bit like an imposter. But I feel lucky to have lived both sides of the coin.

So back to my feminine traits, so yes I was raised as female, although I kinda remember fighting against what was expected of me as a girl. I hated dresses and pink, I didn’t really have many female friends, mainly boys. I was pretty much a tom boy. But I still had those feminine qualities, I loved playing with dolls, I was a very caring kid and still am. I love talking and expressing myself. And these are the traits I struggle with because I know they aren’t seen as masculine traits to have and maybe people will think I’m gay, or just figure out I’m a trans guy.

So I think when I’m out I’m super aware of how I present myself to the world and trying to dial down my more feminine traits, my softer caring side. Which I’ve been doing unconsciously lately. But in doing that I’m holding back an essential part of myself, my personality, the essence of who I am.

I’m here to live my life as my authentic self in spite of how others may perceive me. I’m trying to stop worrying about what others think about me. What really matters is that I have a good heart and I’m kind to others and that I just do my best in this life that I have and my success may look different to others but that’s totally cool because it’s my life and no one else’s.

Peace out

Zak

Dissociation from emotions

I am so so tired but everything is a lot less intense then it was yesterday, which I am very grateful for.

Um where to start.. Slept well last night, woke up about 5 am though but managed to get back to sleep pretty soon.

Took my time in getting ready this morning, remembered to put my dinner on in the slow cooker. Didn’t have the head space or energy to rush about, even managed to do a little colouring in and I think that made all the difference, that helped to relax me and lighten my mood.

M picked me up at half 12 pm and off we went to the Weymouth LGBT mental health group. It was a really good session and I so love helping out there 🙂 M is going to help get me more involved so I can take a session or do a little exercise within the session which would be so great.

The group ran an hour over, but that was cool because it was needed and I think a lot of people got a lot out of it.

Despite the traffic, the crap weather and it being the school holidays, it didn’t take too long to get home thankfully.

I was greeted by my two happy puppies and my two happy cats 🙂 Sat for a bit catching up on text’s and stuff.

Had myself some dinner, stuck on CSI, did my Lego and just been catching up on here.

Legs have been sore again today, the muscles on the bottom of my feet hurt when I walk. But it’s not been as bad as other days.

How do I feel right now? Now that is a question that I am not sure I can answer because I’m not sure how I feel. Things feel less intense then it did yesterday which is a good thing. Still feel really irritable though, I feel like everything is on top of me at the moment and I just want to scream FUCK OFF! I don’t mean it though, I think I just need sometime out. Also think I am putting a lot of pressure on myself too, I’ve spent such a long time feeling so down and depressed that now I’ve been fairly stable and feeling good that I am terrified of even feeling a tiny bit down because I am scared that my mood will dip to the point of how it’s been before, which wasn’t a good place. It was dark, it was scary and it was fucking hard to get myself out of and I don’t want to have to do that all over again because it’s so hard. So now I don’t let myself feel the downs, not even a little. I suppose it’s a sort of prevention..coping strategy but I think if I don’t let myself feel the downs as I go along then it will build up to the point where it will all hit me at once and I will be right back down at the place I am trying to stay away from….so yeah I think this is what I’m doing on a subconscious level, what I need to do now is stop it..but now sure how :/

I suppose I can start by doing a bit of mindfulness, just being mindful of how I am feeling. Name the emotion and sit with it…

I will at some point at the weekend update with some pictures, I have loads 🙂

Peace out

Batman

Detached from emotions

Urgh I am so tired but I need to catch up, the longer I leave it the more I’ll need to catch up.

Mon – Wow it seems to long ago now, I went back to bed in the morning because I was so tired. We had a pretty chilled day, just did some drawing and gluing stuff, took pups across the road and played over there too. They left at just gone 6 pm, I was going to go too for the trans group but urgh, I was just so so tired and achy I couldn’t move so I opted to stay in and get an early night.

Tues – Today was flipping manic and I’d not slept well yet again. I was up and out by 9 am, I paid my bills, posted something and did a few other bits and bobs in town. I then had to take Scrappy to the groomers to get his hair cut and boy did he need it, he looks like a different dog now lol, he looks like he did when he was a small pup.

After I headed out to go to my 1:1, I met L and dropped off the pups to her. My 1:1 was really good and we looked at my recent anger and frustrations as lately I’ve been much more angry and frustrated, so will be good to find the root cause of it all.

I went over to L’s to pick up the pups, only stayed for an hour and then headed down to the vets to get scrappy his booster jab and he was SO brave, he didn’t make a sound! So proud of my boy.

Finally got home and man I was just exhausted. I don’t remember having dinner…or even what I did lol. But I did take 50 mgs of quetiapine instead of my usual 25mgs just because I so needed a decent nights sleep.

Wed – I did fuck all! I slept really well and I pretty much slept all day, mainly because I needed to sleep off the extra quetiapine and I needed to catch up on my sleep. I did manage to clean up, have a shower and take the pups for a short walk. I made myself some dinner but I didn’t eat much of it, just wasn’t hungry.

I spent the evening sat colouring in a couple of mandala’s. I put my white noise on for 30 mins just to help me get off to sleep.

Thurs – And back to now. I slept ok-ish last night I did wake up early this morning but I just couldn’t get back to sleep so I just got up, had some breakfast and just had some chill time putting together a new 3in1 Lego set.

Got showered and dressed but just took my time. Took the pups out too. Just as I was getting myself ready to head out to group, the post man came with my walking stick 🙂 which was cool. I was so so sore and stiff this morning so I decided to take it with me, I felt really self conscious about it, felt like I was faking it or whatever, felt a bit paranoid using it. But it did take a lot of pressure off while standing and walking. I’m sure I’ll get used to it, I’ll only use it when I really really need it.

I’m not really sure how I feel about having to have these disability aids, it all feels a bit messy inside and I can’t really explain it. It needs to be untangled I think so I can process it and makes sense of it all in my head. At the moment I think I’ve just totally detached myself emotionally to the situation and just keep thinking rationally about it and not letting myself have an emotional response to it all and I know if I don’t it will all hit me at once, which won’t be good either. But I’m not really sure where to start with this one…was thinking maybe mindfulness…I don’t know.

Anyway group was actually good this week, the atmosphere felt a lot lighter and brighter and it ended up being a really good session. I signed myself up to do some courses at the Recovery Education Centre in September, so I’m really looking forward to that. Not sure what courses I’ll be doing yet but I’ll have a meeting with someone who will help me pick some courses that will be best suited to me.

Met L after group as I needed to give her some bits that she left Mon and that I’d forgotten to take to her on Tues lol. Chilled out at flirt for a bit which was nice.

Got home to my happy pups 🙂 and I was hungry so did myself some dinner. Nipped to Asda as I needed some bits.

Just chilled out for a bit and then took pups across the road for a bit, so they could let off some steam.

I was very tempted to go to bed when I got in because I’m so tired, but I know I will only be up at 4 am if I went to bed at half 9 pm. So I’ve just been catching up on online stuff trying to keep my eyes open lol.

Meeting L and the boys tomorrow, taking them to the Oceanarium, I sooo can’t wait because they have a new penguin house there! EEEEEEK! 🙂 so excited to see the new penguins. Should be a good day.

I’ll post some pictures when I eventually get my bloody laptop to recognise that the phone is plugged into it so I can transfer my pictures.

That’s all for now,

Peace out

Batman

*insert*cool*title*here*

I have been one busy boy today! and I’ve been on the go since 7:30 am.

When I woke up I cleaned up the flat, had a shower and got dressed, had breakfast and went up to my hospital appointment about my little finger. She said she’s happy with it and it is healing well, it’s just taking longer because I did really over stretch the tendons and they are going to take a bit longer to recover, but she’s given me another splint to wear at night just to help straighten it out more. I’m pleased it’s nothing serious and it is just because I damaged it quite bad. I dropped off my sputum sample after my appointment, so hopefully the antibiotics did the job and the staph infection is all gone.

I got home, hung out the washing to dry, took the pups out for half an hour and when I got back I still had just over and hour till I had to leave for group, so I did try and have a nap but ended up just laying on the sofa with my eye’s closed. I just couldn’t sleep even though I was so so so tired. Having so much trouble with sleeping and staying asleep at the moment, it’s so frustrating.

I just made it to group in time and luckily everyone was running a bit late so I didn’t miss anything. Group was good, we finished looking at the model of coming out. I really enjoyed looking at it and it was really interesting, the model we looked out was a little bit out dated, so we are going to look at another model another time but it was interesting to learn the stages some people go through when they come out as gay, lesbian or bi. This model didn’t look at gender.

After group I met up with L and the boy’s and we went down to the seafront and played in the water fountains 🙂 We all had fish and chips for dinner as well. It was really nice to spend some time with them just chilling.

Got home to my very happy furkids 🙂 and put a load of laundry on, then I took the pups across the road for half an hour, to burn off some energy.

Just been relaxing this evening 🙂 got the Weymouth group tomorrow, so I’m looking forward to that.

Anyway I’m off to bed after this and I am hoping to actually sleep tonight and not wake up 3-4 times.

Peace out

Batman

Meds, sicky, sleepy me…

So not been about for a few days as my methotrexate has been messing with my stomach again.

Monday – This was a busy day! I cleaned the flat and ended up staying the night at L’s as she had to take Albie up the hospital cuz he was poorly. L had bought me a batman top and a pink snapback cap 🙂 

Tuesday –  I was back home by about 11 am, unpacked my bag etc and chilled out. I took a 90min nap in the afternoon. Had a shower got dressed, took fox for a wee and had dinner. I started getting stomach pains and horrible burps again… So was un-sure what to do about work. But I did end up going. Work was good. But by the end of it I was feeling REALLY poorly 😦 Got home, nipped to the shop to get myself a few bits. Got home and ended up being sick… I laid down in bed for a bit and ended up nodding off for a bit, I wanted to make sure my tummy was settled before I took my meds and went to sleep. I didn’t end up getting to sleep till gone 3 am.

Today! I felt a bit better today, tummy is still a bit sore and I am still feeling a bit fragile. So I’ve done nothing but sleep and chill. It was much needed. I did however manage to get hold of my specialist’s secretary and she is going to speak to him on Tue about changing from tablets to injection, so hopefully by next Friday’s dose it will be injection and not tablets and it will be better for my stomach.

I am meant to be going camping with the youth group of Fri…. but I am a bit nervous about going with my stomach how it is… So not sure what to do about it…. Maybe I’ll just wait and see how I feel tomorrow. We aren’t going far, but still I don’t want to be feeling and being ill in the middle of a field…. GAH I am so freaking over dealing with this chronic illness… 😦 

Mentally just tired, drained, fed up etc… Physically the same! 

I’m thinking maybe to be safe that I shouldn’t go camping… *sigh* I don’t know. I mean my stomach is still really fragile now and I have to take another dose of methotrexate on Fri…Urgh.

Just so not feeling anything right now…just over it all 😦

Peace out

Tank girl